Chapter Text
Remus Lupin
It was on September 19, 1979 that Remus Lupin was startled awake with a jolt in his chest.
He didn't know what had caused it or quite what it was, but all he knew was that something was wrong, very wrong. He sat up in bed and tried to catch his breath, accidentally knocking the normally soothing warm hand of the man next to him off his chest. He stirred in his sleep, but didn't actually wake.
" Sirius " Remus hissed to his partner. The man merely grunted and rolled over. "Sirius, love, I need you to wake up. Something's wrong."
He shoved Sirius in the side in an attempt to rouse him before noticing the tremor that had begun in his hands. He felt himself break into a cold sweat and shook the man once more. He relaxed slightly when Sirius finally sat up, fully awake, before remembering the mysterious pain and fear currently gripping him.
"Merlin Moony, it's what? 2:30 in the morning? Can't you let a man sleep, or did you just miss me that much while I was away?" he groaned and attempted a groggy smirk.
"Sirius, something is wrong and I don't know what it is. I can't- my chest feels like it's being repeatedly hit by a bludger, my hands are shaking, and I think I've got a fever coming on." Remus said. He was talking fast and beginning to panic. What was wrong? Was it the wolf? Was it getting worse? He was sure he already knew of or had experienced all of the side effects of his condition, but perhaps he'd missed something.
"Okay, calm down." Sirius reached for his shaking hand and held it tightly. "I'm sure it's fine, but come on, let's see if I've got a calming draught to help."
He pulled him out of the bed, each wizard grabbing their wands before walking downstairs to the kitchen together. Sirius lit the room with a flick and left Remus in a chair while he walked toward their potion cabinet to examine their stock.
The house was quiet. Everything was quiet. It had been for years as all of wizarding London sat in fear of becoming Voldemort's next victim. The constant pressure only added to Remus's already mounting anxiety and Sirius's determination that he had to be on the front lines only made it worse.
Remus wanted Voldemort gone. He wanted all the Death Eaters in Azkaban no doubt. But sometimes he wished it could be someone else's job to accomplish. His childhood had been rotten to say the least, and his Hogwarts days, while wonderful, had been full of fear and hurt. He knew with his condition he could never have a truly normal life. He would never live in complete and total peace. But he had found his Wizard dammit. And if they had to endure the trauma of who he was every month, then why couldn't they at least live the rest of their lives in safety? Why did it have to be them and their group of friends who Dumbledore had thrust into the center of the fight against He Who Must Not Be Named? And why did Sirius always insist on taking the most dangerous missions and leaving him behind? He just needed to keep him safe. Keep him alive. And sometimes he worried tha–
He was shaken from his spiral by the sound of glass on the countertops.
"Ok, so here I've got a dreamless sleep and a calming draught. The draught should help with the shakiness and make you relax if the pain's maybe related to anxiety?" He gave Remus a look of both a question and pity before he reached for his hand to hold him closer. "I know you worry, love, but I promise I'm fine. It was just a quick scouting trip up the coast for a couple of days. Nothing major. James was with me the whole time and you know he's got my back. I'll let you know before I get to do anything really exciting or fun, I promise." he said, hugging the werewolf tightly to his chest.
"Sirius that's the issue," Remus began before he felt the pain in his chest begin mounting. "You can't just promise that. You can't control the future. What if something happened? What if you and James found something? What if you found Regulus? I-I can-, I can't lose you to-" He broke off. By the end gasping for air as the raven haired wizard held him tightly to his chest.
"You won't lose me. You actually can't get rid of me."
"Be serious, please" he murmured, wrapping his arms around his back.
"I am Sirius" He tried to joke softly. His chest bounced Remus's head as he chuckled lightly. When Remus tried to look at his face, another attempt at convincing him on the tip of his tongue, Sirius pulled his head back towards him and said, "I know, I know, I promise I'll be careful."
After a few moments of silence as they held each other Sirius rubbing his back, he began again, "Now, can we please maybe try and take these potions. I'm quite sure that nothing is wrong. We still have another three weeks before the next full moon so there is nothing to worry about."
"I know bu-"
"Nope, it's now" he checked the clock "Two fifty in the morning, and unlike you, love, I haven't gotten a full night's sleep in a number of days. Please just try and see if the potions work for tonight, and if something is still wrong in the morning, we'll floo to St. Mungos first thing."
"Like we could even go to Mungos if we wanted to" Remus muttered sarcastically. But he agreed and downed the potions quickly. The two wizards headed hand-in-hand back to bed where they slept the remainder of the night soundly.
The potions did work at calming Remus for the time being. However, when he awoke the following morning, he was unable to get out of bed. His chest throbbed and it seemed he'd fallen abruptly ill. Sirius called for one of the Order's healers who pronounced him perfectly healthy apart from his aches and pains, and Remus was left to stew as such for the remainder of that day.
Over the days following he slowly regained his strength and was well again. There was never any explanation for what had caused his ailment. But the pang in his chest, the one he'd come to identify as similar to longing, never fully went away. It was a constant presence in his life. Months past and every once in a while it would flare up, accompanied by what he thought was some phantom emotion such as anger or fear, but he could never figure out its origin.
Eventually enough time had passed that he'd learned to live with it and had all but forgotten it wasn't a normal feeling. But there was so much going on in the world. The war was only becoming increasingly dangerous and terrifying, there was no point wasting time wondering about personal qualms when they were desperate to save human lives.
Their friends did what they could. In between the fear and pain there were moments of joy. Moments of bliss surrounded by those they cared most deeply about. But then Lily became pregnant and everything felt so much worse.
Of course it had to be their friends, their family who would be given this burden. The Potters went into hiding. And the moments of joy with those they loved in between became even more scarce. If Remus was honest, he spent most nights going to sleep waiting and half expecting that to be the night someone would arrive in their home and tell them something terrible had gone wrong and someone new was gone.
Until one night someone did come knocking.
Sirius Black
It was dead quiet.
Sirius was awake. He was always awake. Moony thought he wanted him to stay home because he didn't believe he could handle the front lines. The real reason was that Sirius couldn't handle them.
He worried constantly. And the one thing that kept his wand steady was knowing that his wizard was okay, even if Sirius wasn't. That when all the fear and death of the day was over, he had his lover to come home to. That wasn't to say the werewolf couldn't contribute to the fight, Merlin knows they'd be lost without Remus's brain and strategy. But Sirius was terrified of putting him out where the curses were flying, so he made excuses at every turn for why he couldn't be. Because he couldn't lose him.
When he thought about losing Moony he was gripped by a paralyzing fear. That same fear seemed to be what led him to moments like this. How in the moments of peace, the moments of quiet he just watched. He felt they were precious, the times when Sirius got to watch his wizard, just breathe. Every second, that's what he thought, just breathe. Willing the man next to him to stay there. They'd been through so much, both of them. They'd already lost so much, but Sirius refused to let the werewolf go another second of his life not fully aware of the love he felt for him. So he lay there. Watching Remus exist, fully in awe of him.
That is, until he heard a knock.
"What the fuck?" He blurted out. Realizing too late his voice had carried as a shout and woken the other man.
"What is it?"
"There's someone at the fucking door." He said, jumping out of bed and quickly throwing on a pair of pants and tossing another at Remus.
"Who could it be? Everyone we know has access to the wa-"
"I know. Fucking hell." Sirius knew he was getting on edge when his cursing became out of control, but seriously. Who the fuck was at their door?
He grabbed his wand and made towards the stairs with Remus following close behind. Both men were at the ready with wands raised. There couldn't be anyone good waiting, as anyone trusted had access to the home's wards.
When they reached the bottom of the stairs Sirius made to grab the door handle but Remus caught his shoulder. Meeting his eyes, the werewolf nodded his head and said "I love you."
Sirius felt his heart jerk at that, nerves collecting in his chest before he nodded back and said "I love you too", before opening the door with his wand raised.
What they found on the other side of the door could not have been more unexpected. There on their front stoop, stood one Lucius Malfoy, looking...rather unwell.
"I-I need your help" the man said before audibly swallowing as though it had taken great effort to say those words. Looking at who was speaking, Sirius thought, it probably had.
"What the bloody fuck do you want?" he responded.
"Black, please. I know you have no reason to believe me. But, but I want out. No, I need out. And I need your help doing it."
"I'm sorry?" The werewolf jumped in. When the partners looked at one another they both seemed utterly befuddled. Lucius Malfoy, utter prat and arsehole at that he was, never asked for anything and was never in less than pristine condition. Yet here he stood on their porch looking to be an absolute wreck and begging them for help?. Sirius's first inclination was to curse the man and throw him off his stoop, but when he looked at Remus, he found curiosity in his eyes.
"Please, may I come in?"
Just as Sirius was formulating the best way to tell the man where exactly he was welcome (some circle of hell or something, he hadn't yet decided), he heard his partner utter a quick "Yes, of course" and push the door out of his hands to open it further and allow the man inside. He looked at the werewolf aghast, this was a Death Eater he was inviting into their home. Welcoming was more like it. Sirius was appalled.
Remus Lupin
Remus made a point of ignoring Sirius's looks of fury and bewilderment. Yes, Remus realized who this man was. But he also realized who this man was and doubted that the proud and egotistical Lucius Malfoy (one of Voldemort's proudest supporters) would ever ask for help, especially to get out as he had said, unless he was truly desperate.
He never put his wand away, but led the men into the sitting room and gestured for Lucius to sit across from them. With two wands aimed at the wizard, Remus said, "Now start talking, and you better bloody well have something good to say or I won't hesitate to let Sirius try out all the curses I'm quite sure he's imagining flinging at you right now."