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My room is pitch black.
My chest hurts. My eyes are beginning to water. I’m having trouble controlling my breathing.
I can feel my heart trying to beat out of my chest.
It’s happening again… I’m so sick of this…
Maybe I’ll just be screwed up forever. I mean, really, how have I not figured myself out by now?
Joining Kessoku Band was one thing, but dating Nijika…
Why… Why am I even letting myself consider that it may have been a mistake!? Am I that awful of a human being??
I can’t act like her words aren’t my anchor to reality. Without her love, would I even be here? Or would I have faded away?
If…
If she never found me in that park… would I even be…
Stop. You’ve done this before. A million times, in fact.
As if on cue, my heart begins to hasten to an unimaginable speed. It hurts so much. Why… I know the more I think about it, the more it hurts, so why do I keep doing it?
But… I don’t want to cry. I’m sick of crying. As long as I keep it in, I have control over my feelings. This pain in my chest is far more bearable than another night of sobbing into my pillow.
I love Nijika. I love Kessoku Band. That will never, ever change. But that love comes with a new burden of expectation.
They all know how broken I am, I’m sure they despise having to deal with me. That’s why I have to compensate in other ways. I need to be more like guitarhero when I play with them… and I need to keep writing better lyrics too. Nijika tells me I write too much, but for how little I bring to the band, I don’t think it’s enough.
…Will it ever be enough?
My chest hurts again. Why do I keep doing this to myself? If I don’t get this under control, one day they’ll notice… What if it happens during a show, o-or when I’m with Nijika?
Th-They’d…
“Haah, haah, haah!”
I can’t even hide my pained breathing anymore. The more I think about this, the more I think I might explode.
Honestly… Why did I ever let them rely on me?
…
Nijika… if I was never your hero, I could never let you down.
Why would you give me such addictive words? Did you already know I’d chase after them like they were my lifeline?
…No, of course you didn’t. You’re not like that. You always say what you mean, even if it’s harsh like “you suck”… Those words are so special to me because I know that you meant them. And it’s why I’m terrified of failing to live up to your expectations. Even if you try to hide it, I’ll know.
Your entranced eyes may have been a first for me, but I’ve gotten more than familiar with stares laced with disappointment. The slight drop in tone, the failure to keep eye contact, the forced smile… Even just imagining your face like that makes me want to let out these tears building in my eyes.
Agh… That’s making my chest hurt even more…
But… Even with all of that said… I can’t keep doing this… I feel like I’m going insane…
Any slight indication of my failure to reach that expectation crashes my entire day, even if I enjoyed it up to that point. Sometimes, it’s over the most trivial things. Most times it is, actually. But these thoughts just spiral into something so much worse.
I’ve finally found somewhere I feel like I belong, a place I want to call home, but my mind is trying to force me out.
But I’ve played both sides of this game. Before Nijika found me, I was just guitarhero. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was empty. Happy on the outset maybe, but completely hollow if you tore me apart.
Kessoku Band… Nijika… gave me something that made me feel alive again. Something that I knew was meaningful. Something I wanted to put my all into.
But… that feeling came with all of this anxiety. All of the happiness is followed by these overwhelming nights. I don’t… know how much more I can take…
But, what then? Back to my empty life as guitarhero? No, that could never be enough for me now…
And… losing Nijika? Even if I shouldn’t be with her in the first place, actively trying to lose her would truly make me scum.
Nijika… I wish you were here right now.
I want to run into Nijika’s embrace. I want to wrap myself in her warmth. I want her to tell me everything will be okay, even if she doesn’t really mean it.
I want her to save me.
She’s the only one… who makes me feel comfortable in my own mind.
…I want to hear her voice.
Crawling out of my futon, I reach to grab my phone from my side. It’s almost 4 AM. My battery’s almost full, only being delayed to align with my usual wake-up time.
I immediately open up my messages with Nijika.
“Ah-” A noise escapes my lips. The last messages sent filled my screen:
‘Hey, Hitori
You seemed a little nervous at practice today
I can tell you were really stressed coming up with all of these new ideas, but they all sound amazing!
Seriously some of your best work yet!
I’m really proud of you :)
So
Let yourself take a break, okay?
You’ve done more than enough.
My girlfriend deserves some time to relax.
Maybe with me? (hehe, no pressure though)
Love you!’
I forgot to reply to her… I got these when I was getting on the subway, and the connection is terrible.
“…Nijika…” Her name escapes my lips in a whisper. Even just saying her name makes me feel something special.
If I could just hear her voice right now…
…
…
…Why??
My thumb’s hovering over the call button, but I can’t bring myself to press it. Just one click and she’ll talk to me. I know she’ll answer if she sees it’s me calling, so why?? Why can’t I just hit a button!?
“I-I…”
…It’s fine. I’ll just text her. Probably easier to type out these heavy emotions over saying them aloud, right?
…
It’s true. In no time at all, I’ve typed out my worries. Her texts were kinda long, so I don’t feel as bad about the length of mine.
I just need to hit send. I’m sure she’ll respond as soon as she sees it. She told me she set a special ringtone for me, so I have no doubt she’ll see it despite the time.
I just need to hit send.
Just… hit send.
Hit… send…
“Haah-” My chest tightens once more as my breathing quickens.
Come on… I’m just a button away… If I hit send…
“I-I…”
I can finally open up about everything…
“N-Nijika…”
I don’t have to lie and say ‘I’m fine.’ if I just tell her…
“I-I…!”
I just need to hit send!!
…
…
“…I… can’t…”
I tap a button. I tap a few more in rapid succession. I tap one more.
‘love you too.’
I chuck my phone away out of reach, and turn onto my other side, facing away from it. I clutch the covers tightly, like I’ll go flying if I let go.
“I’m not… strong enough…” I mutter to myself.
If Nijika realized just how broken I am, she might leave me. I can’t… let that happen.
If Nijika gives up on Hitori Goto, then… she’ll have run out of chances. I will simply become guitarhero and live on Oh!Tube.
An empty life is still better than a painful one.
That’s why it’s fine. Even though my chest hurts… and I’m all but hyperventilating… and my mouth has a distinct salt flavor leaking into it…
It’s worth it to keep Nijika. And all of Kessoku Band.
They’ll worry about me. I’ll trick myself into believing that’s enough.
Nijika will message me privately, maybe even pull me aside at practice. Either way, I’ll give her my usual answer.
I’ve said it so often that it has to become true eventually, right?
…Yeah, it’ll work out. After all-
“I’m fine.”