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Izzy didn’t even realize he’d been having a nightmare until he awoke in Lucius’ arms. A confused moan escaped his lips as Lucius tightened his hug.
“Iz, it’s okay. You were dreaming again.” Lucius pressed a kiss to Izzy’s forehead.
“Yeah, no shit.” Izzy snarled. There was no venom behind his words, at least not any directed at Lucius.
He knew the boy was trying to be comforting. It wasn’t easy for the lad to adjust to the new and arguably improved Izzy, the one who actually told people what was bothering him and asked for help. He’d hidden the extent of his trauma (he hated the word, but Jim insisted) so effectively from even himself that once he let go, there was no putting the genie back in the bottle. Night after night, he woke up screaming. Night after night, Lucius was there to talk it through with him.
It turned out, a lot of his life with Blackbeard had been far more… unusual than he’d thought. Sure, the maiming and the abuse he’d suffered at the end of their relationship was pretty fucked up. But Izzy had treasured his memories of the years before, when it was just him and Ed against the world and no one had heard of Stede Bonnet. The way he saw it, everything had been just dandy until he had arrived. They’d had their arguments, it was true. But they were pirates , for fuck’s sake. It wasn’t like they were going to sort out their differences over tea and crumpets.
It only took a few weeks on the new Revenge sans the lovebirds for the crew to point out just how skewed that perspective was. Izzy had tried to open himself up more and share tales of his life at sea during their mandatory evening story hour. The younger members of the crew were surprisingly interested in hearing an old timer’s point of view on the pirate life. At first he stuck to the glory of past raids, close escapes from the British, and how he’d carried on with various cabin boys and fellow buccaneers.
The others loved it, Lucius especially. He roared with laughter at every joke. Izzy savored making his lad smile. He had originally been drawn to the boy because of his cutting wit. Over time, though, Izzy had realized that what he really loved about Lucius was his free spirited ways. He didn’t suffer fools gladly - if he was laughing with Izzy or telling him he was handsome, the boy meant it.
That wasn’t always so with Ed. Ed could say a million pretty words, but it was his actions that spoke louder. Izzy had become an expert at reading even minute changes in his body, signals of an impending strike. It became secondhand nature over the years, a point of pride. He knew the real Ed better than anyone else. The rest of the crew blundered constantly, saying and doing the wrong things and setting off Blackbeard’s temper. He, Israel Hands, first mate, rarely did. He’d thought that displayed his devotion, loyalty, and love. For a long time, he’d thought it showed Ed’s love for him too, even if his captain could never quite form the words. That was okay. It’s not like Izzy was waltzing around writing love poems.
It was during one story hour that the gulf between then and now was fully exposed. Jim had just finished regaling the group with their story of a stimulating sword battle to thunderous applause.
“You next, Izzy,” Lucius had pleaded, a teasing spark in his eyes. “Surely there must be one or two more novice pirates in all of the Caribbean that you managed to defile.”
Izzy had fixed the boy with his glare, but it was all for show. He playfully nudged Lucius with his knee. “Unlike you, I had a type other than ‘willing and able.’ I don’t have that many conquests.”
Jim spoke up. “What about a raid, then? Maybe when you first started?” They chuckled. “That way there might be more suspense and the story won’t end with ‘and then Blackbeard killed everyone, as usual.’”
The group laughed. Izzy thought back to one of the first times he and Ed had successfully fought together. It was one of his happier memories.
“Okay, fine. Maybe this will have enough intrigue for you.” He shrugged. “You already know that I lived, though.”
Black Pete snorted. “Lived, eventually . You’re like a cat or something.”
Izzy raised his eyebrow. “You want the fucking story or not?”
Everyone settled in. Lucius snuggled under his arm, a contented smile on his face. Izzy let the warmth of his love overwhelm him before he began.
“When Ed and I first started out, we were just crew on another ship. Pretty quickly we moved through the ranks – we were both good fighters and neither of us had any fear yet. Even better, we fought as a team. Totally in sync. I knew exactly what his next move was, always, and he knew mine. One night, our ship approached a much smaller cutter that was moving stolen loot from a British trading vessel. Our captain figured we could take them and gave chase. When we caught up, he sent his first mate to check it out with Ed and I as backup.”
Izzy sighed, remembering the night with pride. “It was the first time the captain had ever sent us on a mission alone. The other crew tried putting up a fight, but they were no match for us. The first mate didn’t even lift a finger, Ed and I managed to subdue all ten of their men on our own. I even found their captain cowering in the storage area with loads of gold coins. He tried to fight me, but back then I was a killer at hand to hand combat. I got all the loot, easy. Our men toasted us. I was a kid, maybe 21 or so? Felt like I was finally a man.”
“Blackbeard must have loved that,” Lucius rolled his eyes. “Barely any effort, lots of celebration.”
Izzy frowned, uneasy all of a sudden. Most of the time he ended the story before getting to Ed’s reaction. “Not really, actually. He hated the attention. Plus, I made a few mistakes, nothing major, but Ed was always a perfectionist. He could never stand getting unearned praise in those days.” He laughed uncomfortably at the memory of Ed standing in the corner, sulking with his cask of rum as Izzy had celebrated, unaware of Ed’s simmering resentment.
“Why would you making a mistake have anything to do with him?” Roach piped up. “Besides, you won, right?”
“We were a team,” Izzy said, trying to steer the conversation back into comfortable territory. “If I did badly it reflected on him too. He was just trying to help me be better.”
“It sounds like you were doing just fine to me if your crew was toasting you,” Jim pointed out. The others nodded. “Besides, you did more than he did anyway. You found the captain and got the goods.”
“I bet that’s what really bothered him,” Lucius confidently added. “You getting half the glory. He wanted it all for himself, selfish bastard.”
Izzy had stayed silent through the rest of story time after that. He’d wanted to protest, to insist that Ed had just been upset by his blunders. He’d run through his memories again, confident that he’d come up with the errors that he’d made that would prove Ed’s reaction to be warranted. But unlike the many other times he’d replayed that raid in his mind, he couldn’t. He only remembered feeling invincible, unstoppable. That is, until after the party ended and he’d gone back to their shared cabin.
As the others packed up from story time and headed to their quarters, Izzy was startled from his memories by Lucius taking his hand.
“What’s wrong, old man?” he said, gently teasing. “You’re a million miles away.”
Izzy nuzzled into Lucius’ shoulder. “Nothing, lad. Just caught in my memories, is all. I hadn't told that story in a while.”
“I wish I could have seen it.” Lucius traced one of his fingers down Izzy’s arm. “I can’t even imagine how fucking hot you must have been back then, all young and restless. I mean, you’re smoking now .”
Izzy chuckled, willing his anxiety to quiet down. “Oh, I was one ugly dog. Grew into my looks.”
His lad planted a kiss on his cheek. “Nope, I refuse to believe that. You were definitely a smokeshow.” He giggled. “I want to hear the end of that story. Which lucky cabin boy got to spend the night with you after such a daring conquest? No way you didn’t have half that crew throwing themselves at you.”
“It wasn’t like that.” Izzy sat up, suddenly feeling constrained. “Ed wouldn’t have let anyone near me.”
The silence from Lucius was deafening. Izzy tried to fill it with the rest of the story. “After all the carrying on I went back to our cabin. I figured maybe we’d fool around. I was proper drunk, which gave me way too much confidence.”
He remembered the exuberance with which he’d burst through their door, the tail end of his drink still in hand. He’d been so out of it he hadn’t seen Ed’s punch coming. It had connected with his jawline, sending him sprawling across the floor.
“That was pathetic,” Ed had spat (or was it Blackbeard, by then?). “You let them go on and on, telling you how great you were, when you kept fucking it all up! If I hadn't been there, you’d be dead.” He shook his head. “Tomorrow we’re getting up early and doing more drills. Next time, I won’t be there to save you.”
He’d crawled into his bunk, choking back a sob, as Ed had stormed out. True to his word, the next morning Ed had dragged him out of bed as the sun rose over the horizon. They’d done swordplay drills for hours until Izzy’s arms shook with exhaustion and he’d vomited twice. Finally, Ed smiled.
“You did so much better, Iz,” he’d said, clapping him on the back. Izzy winced in pain, but Ed didn’t seem to notice. “See? Now when they sing your praises you’ll actually be worthy of it.”
In the present, Lucius’ jaw was practically on the ground as Izzy finished his epilogue. “You know that was a completely fucked up thing to do, right?”
Izzy shrugged helplessly. “I guess. But he was just trying to help me, Lucius. He loved – he didn’t want me to hurt myself. If I had been too overconfident I might have gotten in over my head. I’ve seen a lot of promising young pirates go out that way.”
“Love, if anything, I don’t think you’ve ever had enough confidence. You’re a bloody good pirate. All Ed did with his little tantrum was make you doubt that.” Lucius stood, offering Izzy his hand. “Want to come to bed? Or do you want to do a little stargazing first?”
He took Lucius’ hand and pushed himself up. “Bed, if that’s okay with you.” He didn’t add that he felt unsettled. He was sure that all he needed was some time playing the little spoon before nodding off.
Judging by his nightmare, that had been a miscalculation. In the present, Lucius lit a candle, bathing their room in a soft glow. Izzy stayed lying down while Lucius sat on the edge of the mattress.
“Wanna talk about it?” he whispered.
Izzy nodded, not meeting his lad’s gaze. He knew the look would be patient and loving, the kind of thing that would make him cry. He didn’t feel like crying tonight.
“Not much to talk about, really,” he said, voice raspy. “Not so different from all the others.” The dream itself was fading rapidly from his memory. It was just the terrified feeling that remained.
“Can I show you something?” Lucius said, opening his sketchbook and flipping through the pages. “I drew this other day when you were asleep.” He paused. “I promise that’s not as weird as I just made it sound.”
Izzy couldn’t help but smile. “Sure, you little creeper.”
Lucius knelt in front of Izzy on the floor, holding up the book. The sketch was a lot to take in. Izzy couldn’t deny it was accurate. The scars, his tattoos, even his wrinkles – Lucius had made sure they were all there. His expression, though. That wasn’t right. The tension Izzy had grown accustomed to seeing in his features when he looked in the mirror was gone, replaced by softness.
“You know I love your hard edges,” Lucius cautiously said after a period of quiet. “But that’s not all you are. And it’s not what I see when I look at you.”
He took Izzy’s dangling hand. “Somewhere along the way you got it in your head that all you were good for is what you could do for other people. Ed, Blackbeard’s crew, even us reprobates.” He chuckled. “If I have to reassure you every day that you’re bloody legendary, I will. You should be proud of yourself, damn it. You’ve earned respect from all of us.”
“Respect? I’d like to think I earned more than that from you,” Izzy teased, trying to hide his blush.
“Okay, fine, love from me, how’s that?” Lucius blew out the candle and crawled back into bed, abandoning the sketchbook to wrap Izzy in his embrace. “Don’t think I don’t see what you’re doing, enticing me to get in bed with you so you can get out of praise.”
Izzy flipped over so he was facing Lucius, wrapping his arms around the lad’s waist. “I would never .”
“Mhmm,” Lucius hummed. He buried his face in Izzy’s neck. “You’re lucky you’re the most handsome fucker I’ve ever met.”
As Lucius’ breathing evened out against his chest, Izzy felt his worries leave him. He was here, with his lad, on his ship. Who gave a shit what Ed would have thought? They weren’t stupid kids anymore. He was happy on land with Stede, unless he’d already killed the man, and Izzy had his crew. He had Lucius. He let himself drift off, the nightmares kept at bay for once. Maybe his past would never fully leave him, but it didn’t need to have power over him now.