Archive of Our Own ^beta

Uea was exactly King’s type.

King didn’t even know that before they met. Before, he would have been able to nail down some generals – confident, pretty, mannered. But upon meeting Uea, he realized that he did have a type, a fairly specific one, and this type was whatever Uea had going on. Delicate, almost feminine, haughty, and terribly fierce.

He often wondered after that fateful night at the bar, how different it could have gone. What would have happened if he had ditched the guy he had come with and taken Uea home instead. He thought about it many times in the years that followed, when they met again and it appeared clear that Uea wasn’t taken with King at all. King wasn’t sure it was regrets, because had he had Uea back then, what would have come of it? One night or a few, but neither of them was in a place to make good of a relationship back then.

Not that they were in a better place now, despite working in the same office and seeing each other every day. It was a bit unfair, if you asked King, because he was nothing but charming and agreeable, and yet Uea refused to let him in even a little.

They could probably be called friends just out of the amount of time they spent together and the people in their lives they had in common – mostly Jade, who acted as a bridge more often than not, and was the reason why Uea had to speak to King outside of work on occasions.

So King had a hard time befriending Uea, but it would be dishonest to lay it solely on Uea’s reluctance. King was never very good at being friends with people he wanted to sleep with. Now he did manage to make good friends with plenty of one-night stands, but the thing was they had never crossed that line with Uea, and it wasn’t for lack of attraction, in his opinion. At first he had thought maybe it was a work thing, that Uea wanted to keep the two strictly separated, the business and the pleasure. But he wasn’t so sure anymore. From what King could gather, there were two main reasons – Uea didn’t do casual sex, and Uea had horrible taste in men.

Not that King would brand himself as a paragon of boyfriend material, far from it. But even with one-night stands and short-lived flings, there were do’s and dont’s, and there were shit people. He considered himself not too bad on that front. He was always considerate of his partners’ needs and pleasure, he was always careful about consent and protection. He believed that it would transpose if he was in a committed relationship. He liked taking care of others and feeling like he was needed, which had not always transferred well with men uninterested in being pampered.

Which was another thing that made Uea so attractive – he obviously loved being pampered, but he also hated asking for it, and it was a never-ending quest to make him accept help and attention. King was a little addicted to the whole process – how Uea would scowl and refuse, before giving in and doing all he could to hide a shy, pleased smile. Be it carrying his bag, buying him a coffee, or just retrieving his papers from the copy room, it was always the same. King lived for that little smile.

He was aware that he was a little too taken with his coworker. It was frustrating, as he never had a problem getting over a crush before. Either he won them over and they gave it a go, or he was rejected and he got over it. Maybe that was what was missing with Uea. He had never been rejected openly. But this time, unlike all the others, King didn’t feel like trying his luck. This time, he didn't want to risk the rejection. He much preferred staying in this weird in-between they had now, where he did his best to get Uea’s attention, and Uea, against his better judgment, always gave it away in the end.

With time, the plain physical attraction had sunk dangerously into deeper water. King liked Uea’s manners and attitude, he liked his snappy voice, his fussy ways. And he had come to understand that there was something more going on too. Uea wasn’t just prickly – he was skittish, jumpy at times, and not in a mundane way.

King had enough queer friends to recognize something there. It went hand in hand with the strings of awful boyfriends that King heard Uea quietly complain about to Jade when they were taking a break from their always-heavy workload. They were always either uncaring, dominant to the point of fear, unfaithful, or complete tools. Often a combination. Short or long-term, Uea’s relationships almost always ended badly, with him being cheated on or dumped without warning. Jade, bless his heart, was always supportive and sympathetic, but also gently assessing how Uea might protect his own heart in the future. The thing was, Uea was not naïve or gullible. He seemed well aware that he wasn’t being treated well and that those guys weren’t good for him. But he always went back for more.

“You know how we’re told that the first time you have sex is supposed to hurt,” his friend Sky told him one day, as King was lamenting at yet another heartbreak he could do nothing about, at how much he wanted to offer comfort and protection and himself, dammit, because he could do so much better and Uea deserved so much more if he would just give him a chance and-

“Yeah.”

“Well for some of us it’s about love too. Like, if it always hurt, maybe that’s just how it has to be.”

King hated that. And he couldn’t do anything about it. Even if the signs were there, in the panic that would show up unexpectedly in Uea’s eyes at the most random times, in the anger he expressed out of nowhere for seemingly harmless comments and gestures. In the way he shrugged and scoffed and looked away every time Jade told him that he deserved better.

It was driving King insane for real.

He decided he would have to do something about it. It was absurd to wallow in such a way and do nothing. Uea was stubborn beyond measure, but so was King.

.

It took him a while to realize that it was worse than he had thought, that he was in over his head. He was well aware that entering a friend with benefits arrangement with Uea was a terrible idea, but he was also at a loss for what else he could do to get closer to the other man. He figured it couldn't be so bad. Maybe it would even cure him of this ill-fated crush at last, and they could work on the "friend" part of the deal while getting the benefits.

He had underestimated Uea’s demons. His exes weren’t just losers, they were assholes, capable of true harm. Uea wasn’t just scared of some things, he had triggers that sent him into panics so bad he needed hours to come back from them. Uea wasn’t just closed off – his walls were impenetrable. No matter how hard King tried, how gentle or assertive he was, how careful or blunt, he couldn’t get Uea to trust him. What he had thought was pettiness or simply a game was deeply entrenched wariness King had no idea how to dig up and uproot.

And Uea wasn’t just careless with himself, he was self-destructive. Enough that he would even try to use King to harm himself. Enough that King felt like he couldn’t trust him with his own safety. Every time he thought they had made some progress, that he had gotten a little closer, Uea reeved back out. Refusing any help, any care, any heartfelt feelings.

Together in King’s apartment, when they explored each other’s body relentlessly, when they couldn’t get enough, when Uea finally let King take care of him the way he craved, it felt like they would be able to go somewhere. Uea even started to relax a little at work. King wondered if he wanted this to work too after all, if he could tell that the rejections were slowly wearing King down despite his best efforts.

But still, his heart was unreachable. There was no way to talk about feelings, no way for Uea to hear King out or to express his own wants and needs. King was partly at fault, for he could have insisted more. But he was scared Uea would withdraw entirely if pushed too much, and the truth was King couldn't bear the thought. The truth was, he was addicted, he couldn't get enough. He had never been so affected by another person, he had never felt such a need to touch at all times, to be in another's space, to just have them in his line of sight. He was helpless to pull the brakes and save them from crashing down.

.

King's mother, always good at having the worst timing possible, chose this moment to spring on him her marriage expectations. He has been lucky in that regard, until now, his parents less overbearing than most people his age on the matter. Maybe that was why she was so insistent, to make up for lost time.

King could tell it bothered Uea. But he wanted him to say it. To make a claim, to open up just this once. King couldn’t always be the one to. He was starting to wonder if he was just imagining things, if he was way more into this than Uea was, if he was just another one in the long string of men who pushed past boundaries Uea was unable to maintain, who was simply unable, unwilling, to take his “no” for an answer. King was haunted by the possibility of not being able to read Uea that well, of forcing the other man into something he had not that much interest in after all.

If only Uea could tell him. If only he would simply say something. Uea knew to be harsh, knew to push back hard, but it was always too late, always after King could have done something to fix it. He played the unaffected when King had to cancel their holiday, but he made him pay for it when they were back at work and… That just wasn’t fair. King was preoccupied enough with the whole thing already. So he didn’t try to soften things up this time, didn’t chase after Uea. He tired of feeling foolish.

“Will you tell me how it went now?” Jade asked again around some drinks that evening, unhappy to have been rebuffed in the office earlier. Of course he could tell there was more to it. They had known each other for most of their lives after all.

“The date was fine. I mean, she’s not bad. It’s just… not what I want. And not what she wants either. But you know how my mother is, and hers isn’t much better.”

“So what? Just tell them that.”

Jade made it sound so easy. But King’s mother would need a good reason, and “we don’t feel it” wasn’t one.

Truth be told, King could have been convinced to at least give it a try. If not for Uea.

And that wasn’t something he could tell his mother either. One, because he wasn’t ready to handle the drama just yet, but more importantly because he wasn’t sure he would have anything to show for it if he did. Nursing an unrequited love wasn’t an acceptable reason for refusing a marriage, in addition to being pretty pathetic.

At the beginning of them working together, when King was still rather obvious about his flirting with Uea, Jade had taken him aside one day and asked him to be careful.

“About what?” King had asked, playful at first before realizing how serious Jade was.

“Just- with Uea. If you want to- be nice to him, okay? He deserves something nice.”

At the time, King didn’t feel like he could be that nice. So he had let it go. He regretted being such a child. Being nice to Uea was the easiest thing in the world – granted that the man would let him.

“Maybe I should just- I don’t know. Go for it.”

That earned him a smack to the back of his head. King stared at Jade, scandalized.

“That’s an awful way of talking about marrying someone for life. You don’t need a reason against it. It’s enough that you have no good reason for!”

He was right, of course. Besides, Belle wouldn’t stand for it anyway, she had been clear. And she was braver than he was. Had to be he supposed, to be a single daughter standing up to her parents.

“And what about that person you liked? How is it going?”

Jade would freak out if he knew who this mysterious person was. At first they had kept it to themselves out of convenience mostly, because it would cause too much gossip, and King had no wish for the entire office to butt into their business. It was hard enough to negotiate between the two of them as it was. But he had wished at times that Jade knew at least so that they could talk about it, so that King had someone to open up to and ask for advice. The truth was, he was in over his head. This thing with Uea… It was so much, it took such a huge place in his life, in his mind and heart, and yet it barely existed at all, and he didn't know what to do with it.

It felt impossible to tell Jade though, even if Uea had allowed it. King couldn’t imagine getting the whole story out, wouldn’t know where to start, how to explain. And maybe he was also a little insecure about how he would look like in all this. Jade had asked him to be good to Uea, and King had tried his best, but he wasn’t sure he had done a good job at all.

.

He was sure he had done a terrible job the next time they had to deal with their new boss.

They had successfully kept watch over Uea until now, fending off Krit’s attempts at cornering him alone. It was nice to know they could count on their colleagues, but still, this whole situation set King on edge, and Uea was even worse.

It gave them something to focus on though, other than the unspoken rift between them that King was desperately trying to keep from widening. He thought he was doing okay. Closing both ridges inch by inch.

But one night when King went back to fetch Uea at his desk, ready to call it a day after another long string of busy hours, the man was gone. King didn’t expect him to leave without him, but patience wasn’t Uea’s strongest suit. So King went down to the parking lot, sure he would find him already annoyed to be kept waiting by King’s car.

Expect he wasn’t there.

King was instantly filled with panic. Uea’s car was still in its spot, and so was Krit’s. King went back up into the lobby, desperate to find the other man, berating himself for leaving and Uea for not staying put. His phone call wouldn’t connect, Uea wouldn’t pick up, and King was angry now because what was he supposed to do, how was he supposed to look after Uea if he just disappeared on him, if he didn’t answer, if he couldn’t be found.

His anger carried him into the confrontation that followed, when he finally spotted Uea running down the stairs, clothes in disarray and eyes shining.

“Why did you go in there?”

It would occur to him of course, albeit much too late, that Krit was their direct superior and that Uea wasn’t in a position to simply tell him to fuck off for no reason, the way he did with King and most people with ease. But for now it was easier to get mad.

At least until Uea’s expression broke clean in two, anguish mixed with fury now.

“You can’t speak to me like this, King.”

He wasn’t getting his point across, he wasn’t saying the right thing at all. He just wanted Uea to know, to understand-

Uea yanked his arm away, unreachable now. King couldn’t bear the accusation in his eyes. What had he done wrong again? Why couldn’t Uea just get it?

“If that’s how you care for me, then I’d rather you stop.”

Nothing ever seemed to work. King didn’t know what to do anymore, what to say, how to do and say it. They couldn’t understand each other. Uea couldn’t believe him. Maybe he was right. Maybe King wasn’t able to do it properly, to do it at all.

“Yeah. Okay. It’s my fault for worrying about you. Sorry”

He was so tired. This wasn’t working out. Maybe it was for the best, to stop caring. It didn’t do them any good anyway, did it? It felt like the right thing to do. Walk away. Put an end to this thing that only caused them trouble.

It felt like the right thing to do for about four minutes, the time it took for King to walk back to his car and drive out of the parking lot. And then he realized he was a complete fool.

Because Uea was still there. Uea was alone in their office building. He would have to get back home on his own, take his car, drive himself to his apartment. Alone.

The idea was unbearable. No matter how angry they could be at each other, no matter how confused and frustrated King was, he couldn’t just- just leave him there. What if Krit was still there? What if Uea got scared, got hurt?

But by the time he had circled the block and driven back into the underground level, Uea’s car was gone. He didn’t answer his phone, he didn’t answer King’s text either. King had half a mind to drive to his place, just to be sure, but there was no way it would be well received. Uea had always been adamant that King wasn’t to show up there unannounced – King had had the feelings, a few times, that Uea even regretted King knowing where he lived at all. It was hard enough for him to ever feel safe.

And King had done his best, but he couldn’t say for sure that Uea felt safe with him either. He wouldn’t risk Uea getting (more) upset at him showing up. Couldn’t take him being afraid of King. He looked so often scared, and it was heartbreaking every time.

(Hadn’t he looked scared just now too? Yet King had been too angry, too jealous to care. Jealous of anyone getting Uea’s attention and time. As if King had any claim on either. On him. As if that would help in any way.)

He resolved to set things straight the next day at work. When they were both steadier, when King could think clearly and not be a complete tool. There had to be a way for him to reach through to the other man, for Uea to understand him. He would keep trying. He had time.

He had time, so it was okay to take a few days. It was awkward and painful, but he just needed a little more, to gather himself up, to be sure. He would talk to Uea soon. He would apologize.

Or he wouldn’t, because before the week was out, Uea disappeared.

For a terrifying moment, King wondered if this was it. If he was simply never going to see Uea again. If the man would just vanish from his life, out of sight and out of reach, if King would never get another chance to talk to him, see his face, touch him and smell him and bask in his presence. If this was how it ended, on such an awful, miserable note, when he still had so much to say, when his heart was so full.

It was a relief that Jade was such a terrible liar.

It was… something, to learn that Uea didn’t leave because King was a jerk and Uea was fed up with him, but because he couldn’t take Krit’s harassment anymore. King would have preferred Uea to be mad at him – then he would have known what to do, how to apologize and grovel and beg for forgiveness, how to work to mend things. But this? How were they supposed to fight this?

King was somewhat at fault still, because he had failed to protect Uea in the end. Not only by being unable to stop Krit from trying anything but more crucially, he had failed when Uea needed someone on his side. Needed support and comfort. King watched the security tape and he was torn between rage at Krit and at himself. At Krit for being such a horrible, sleazy piece of garbage, and at himself because he should have known better. Should have reacted better. Damn, the look on Uea’s face… King had been so proud of himself, so damn content with being able to show Uea that he was different, that he could treat him right. That he wasn’t like the string of awful men Uea kept dating almost compulsively.

Did it mean something that Uea had agreed to have a relationship with him? Did he recognize in King the same thing he did in those guys? Whatever that was. King knew there were many, many ways one could hurt themselves. “To ruin my life a little more”, Uea had said as an explanation, and King had been determined to prove him wrong, to show him they could be good together, without ever questioning what Uea actually meant by that in the first place.

He didn’t remember why it had seemed so difficult to talk to Jade before. It sure was easy now to spill it all out, with no hope nor will to keep the desperation and longing out of his voice. He was scared Jade wouldn’t believe him, as Uea hadn’t, that he would think it an act or a whim or just a mistake.

It was still a trial to admit that no, they weren’t together. They were just having sex, and it felt like another failure on King’s part, that he didn’t manage to move them past that like he so desperately wanted to.

But Jade was always supportive and gentle, and King knew he could at least trust him to have both his and Uea’s interests at heart. So it mattered somehow that Jade did believe him, that he gave him his blessings and Uea’s aunt's address. That he entrusted Uea’s care to him.

“Be nice to him, okay?” he said again, just as he had all those years back, and King got it now. He nodded seriously, ready to take off, trusting his coworkers would cover for him, not caring much if they didn’t. It was Jade who held him back.

“If we want him to come back, it has to be safe for him to do so.”

Right. Krit had to pay. There was no way he was ever getting twenty feet close to Uea again.

. 

King left hoping they had done enough, hoping that there was one person decent enough in the people above them, that would set things right. And if not?

Well, they could always find a job elsewhere.

Uea had the gale to apologize first when King joined him on the pier by the sea. King couldn't deny it sounded sweet, if only because he had not been sure, up until that point, if Uea cared at all. But then again, he had to, right? For being so affected by King's words.

“I’m the one who should apologize. I’m so sorry, for what I said, for… I was jealous. It was so stupid. It was wrong of me. I’m sorry.”

They were still on the edge, he could tell. The worst thing was, a part of him wanted Uea to stay angry. Wanted him to assert his stance, to acknowledge that yes, King had been wrong and shitty and that no, Uea wouldn't forgive him. Didn't have to. And that was true, he didn't have to.

And the other part of him couldn’t help but hope and pray that he would. Even if it wasn’t right, even if Uea had been too forgiving already, had given too many chances already. Not to King in particular, but to men in general. King didn’t want Uea to do this, to put himself out there again, to trust again despite being betrayed, again. Had it been another man, King would have wanted him to send him to hell.

But he was selfish and a hypocrite too, and so he was ready to beg and plead and offer anything. Just for a chance to try again. To make amend. A chance for them to do it right this time.

“I like you,” he said, and it was crazy because to him it was so obvious, such a fact of life. It had been from the very start, when he had agreed to be exclusive in a freaking sexual arrangement, when he had gone with Uea’s every rule, every whim, following after him like a lovesick fool.

It was obvious and still, still Uea managed to look surprised. Pleased too, but still surprised, still doubtful. It was insane, insane. As if King could feel anything else. Then again, maybe what was most surprising was that King would say it at all. He could admit he had been pretty dumb about all this. Being subtle and coy had proved the wrong strategy when it came to Uea’s wary nature.

Against all odds, despite it all, Uea was still willing to try. Still willing to move on and give himself away. Maybe that wasn't such a good thing, but it was okay because King would know to cherish that. He would make sure Uea didn't regret this choice.

He couldn’t say he was too surprised by the “no touching” rule. He was even a little happy about it, because Uea was playful again at last, was smiling and teasing and setting his ground. Even if said in a joking tone, King knew it was more than serious. That it meant something to Uea, something deep and special, if they could see each other without touching, without their bodies getting involved, without desire and lust playing their part. Not that King could stop himself from lusting after Uea. He was so attracted to him, to the point of distraction, and that wasn't going to change.

But that wasn’t all there was to it. King was addicted to Uea’s presence, to the way he moved, the expressions on his face, his shy smiles and harsh scowls. Things that didn't need to be touched to be enjoyed, and enjoy them he did for the next few days in Lampang. They let themselves discover another form of closeness, fragile and blooming like a first teenage love.

King was determined to prove themselves to Uea. To show him that they could work out. That King could take care of him. And how he wanted to, how he enjoyed it, how rewarding it was when Uea let him, when despite his protest and pouting he still smiled to himself, tentatively pleased.

King almost didn’t want to leave. But he also wanted them to try this at the trials of their everyday life, without the idyllic scenery and lazy days. He didn’t want this to be a temporary reprieve. He wanted it to last, and last.

.

And thus they started “seeing each other”, as Uea put it. And it was great, for the most part. King thought he would be rubbish at this dating thing, but he wasn’t dating any random person. He was seeing Uea, and he liked everything about it. Be it hanging out on the couch, cooking and eating together, going out to the mall, to the park, to any spot they could think of. Even doing chores was nicer when he could chat with his adorable not-boyfriend and stare helplessly after him as he moved around King’s apartment with an ease that spoke of practice, habit.

But he couldn’t deny that the physical distance was taking its toll.

It made him wonder worriedly if there was something to Uea’s concern after all. Maybe King couldn’t indeed be satisfied with just that. It wasn’t even about the sex, or well, not only. He had never realized before how tactile he could be, needed to be, how often it was second nature to him to reach out, to grab a hand, seek a hug. Jade and even Gun were starting to complain about his clinginess, but King couldn’t help himself. It wasn’t as if Uea rejected it all the time either, but their contacts were sparse and they couldn’t even kiss. King loved kissing.

And well, there was the sex too. He had never been ashamed of his proclivity. He enjoyed getting laid, he liked how it made him feel and he saw no problem with that. He was always safe and minful, and it was always satisfying for every party involved.

King had a good friend from college who had had a difficult journey of coming to terms with his asexuality, and King had discussed openly with him, if a little guiltily, that as far as he was concerned, he would have a very hard time committing to a relationship where sex was not on a table. He was open with other arrangements – his friend had dated a few people who would seek sex outside of their relationship, and it seemed as good an option as any. As long as everybody was content.

It was a bit of a contradiction because he had always been able to separate neatly between sex and feelings. But it was in the sense that sex didn't need strong feelings to be fulfilling for him. The other way around though… He knew his love translated into physicality. He knew he had only grown more attracted to Uea as they got to know each other and his feelings expanded.

It made him ask hard questions to himself. What if Uea wanted their relationship to remain platonic? King had to truly wonder if he could be okay with that. He wanted to be. He wanted to be able to tell confidently that it didn’t matter, or didn’t matter as much, but the truth was, he wasn’t sure he wouldn’t be lying.

The thing was, he had had both. He had a sexual relationship with Uea that didn’t, or wasn’t supposed to, involve any feelings between them. And now they shared all the aspects of a committed romantic relationship without the sex, and truth be told, a few months back he would probably have said that if he had to choose, he would take the first one. He wouldn’t have considered putting his sex life on hold, he didn’t want to.

But now that he did have Uea’s heart, or even just a foot in the door, now that they experienced this new form of intimacy, he would probably have a different answer.

Still, he would rather not have to choose.

He dreaded broaching the subject with Uea. Especially after his not-lover opened up about his medication and the things he suffered in his youth. King had been in over his head from the start, he realized. It was so painful to see him like this, still ridden with guilt and shame, as if he had done anything wrong at all. King didn’t see eye to eye with his parents, but they had never made him feel like this – worthless, unlovable.

And as Uea had coped with his sexual traumas with unsafe relationships – his therapist’s words – he was now distancing himself from sex altogether. Maybe for a while. Maybe forever.

King felt terrible about hoping against that.

The best policy would have been to talk about it of course, but King never pretended to be especially brave or mature. And he didn’t want to put that kind of pressure on Uea. It hardly seemed fair.

It was getting harder to pretend everything was fine though. Uea was never mean or cruel in his rejection, but it still tugged at King’s heart every time he was denied a hug, a kiss, even just a pat on the shoulder. He was being good about it, he didn't let it get to him, and he didn't show any disappointment or longing. It was there though. It went against his very nature to fight his need for affection and proximity, and he couldn't help but wonder what more he could do, or how he could do it better, for Uea to relent at last.

But he knew this wasn't a race. It wasn't even a proper test either. Uea didn't breach the gap partly because he wanted them to take it slow, but also, King knew, because it was simply hard for him to do so. To put himself in this situation again. To trust another with his body again, his fragile skin, and breakable heart.

It was all so unfair.

King was slipping up more often too. He couldn’t help but lean in, one night at his flat, when Uea sat down next to him at the coffee table after bringing in two steaming bowls of egg rice. He didn’t even intend for a kiss. He just wanted to be closer.

Uea jerked back, and King did too, warmth deserting him as he reined himself in, tried to get a grip again.

“Sorry, I- Sorry.”

“No, that’s-“

Uea seemed at a loss too. King didn't want him to get mad, or worse, scared. He didn't know how to stop himself from wanting it, from being so drawn to his body, his warmth and smell, to guard himself against this constant, desperate need for closeness and contact.

“I should-“

He made a vague gesture to the kitchen, started to get up because he needed to put some distance between them. Right now he couldn’t rely on his willpower alone.

But Uea stopped him, a firm hand on his forearm, and how pathetic it was that this simple grip froze him in place, all mind taken by that single point of contact when their skin wasn’t even touching. He regretted not wearing short sleeves.

“Please. Don’t go.”

He sat back carefully, hyper-aware of the small but palpable distance between them. It didn't matter how close they were – if they couldn't touch, couldn't breach the gap, they might as well have been in different countries.

Except no, that wasn’t true. King wanted to be able to look at Uea, to have him in his line of sight.

"I'm sorry," Uea said, and King thought back to that night on the pier, to the both of them taking turns in the blame game. He liked that they didn't try to assign fault. But he wished they didn't have anything to apologize for at all.

“I’m sorry for being like this. I know it’s hard for you. I don’t mean to- I wish I wasn’t like that.”

“I don’t.”

Uea frowned, puzzled, and King huffed at himself. He wasn’t good at this, at all.

"I mean… I wish that you- if things had been different. I wish you had never suffered a day in your life. That no one had ever hurt you, ever. But I- I'm not mad or anything. Not at you. I'm not resentful or angry or- whatever.”

“But you’re unhappy.”

“That’s-“

He couldn’t exactly deny it without lying.

“That’s not on you.”

“I might not be to blame, but it still has to do with me.”

King busied himself with his bowl so he didn’t have to answer anything to that. It would be a shame to let the food grow cold. King liked Uea’s cooking. Uea let it happen for a moment, if only because he was hungry too. The days were long and the hour late, and another day was creeping in already. King was very tired all of a sudden.

"I don't mind that you want me," Uea blurted out as soon as his bowl was empty, determined to see them through this it seemed when usually King could count on him to drag his feet and abort most serious conversations. King drank some water mostly to appear somewhat in control of himself, even if he really wasn’t.

“I like it. I like the way you look at me. I don’t want you to feel bad about it.”

“You know what I want. You’ve known from the start. I’m just like you said I was.”

“When I said I disliked players, I didn’t mean that I disapproved. It wasn’t for me, that’s all.”

“I’m not asking for anything.”

“Maybe you should.”

How could he? How could he when he felt like such an asshole, when he was consumed by their touch while Uea was struggling with everything else.

“I don’t deserve more than you do,” Uea added with a hint of exasperation now. He didn’t like dwelling on self-pity, not for himself, and not for others either.

“I didn’t tell you that it wouldn’t happen. Just that you had to ask.”

“But you keep saying no.”

King bit his lips, half wishing to swallow the words back, hoping he didn’t sound too accusing. He wasn’t. There was no blame to lay. Not in this room anyway.

“I’m still… I’m not there yet.”

“Don’t you- ah, are you scared of me?”

It haunted King at times, the idea that Uea could see him as a threat, could doubt that he be trusted. It sucked because it was beyond his control. He wasn’t sure there was anything he could do to truly prove himself.

King was startled by Uea crowding into his space, taking a firm hold of King's face so that their eyes could meet. He looked fierce now.

“No. I’m not. I trust you.”

Then why? King wanted to ask. He didn't, but maybe something showed on his face because Uea’s confidence slipped again. He started to withdraw his hands – King grabbed his wrist on a whim, urging him to stay put. Uea smiles faintly, thumbs caressing King’s jaw.

“I’m not there yet. I need to be sure about me, not you. I’m- trying not to harm myself. Anymore.”

King had a vivid memory of Uea being all over him one day, eager and forthcoming like never before, and how he had enjoyed it for just a moment before realizing that something was wrong. Uea wasn’t in his right mind, and it was the first time King had understood how easy it was to hurt the other man, because he would all too readily put himself in harm’s way. He had kept this anger to himself, that Uea would use him in such a way. Had he not put a stop to it himself, had he not…

Uea squeezed his face, bringing him back to the moment. His face was tinged with sadness despite his smile, and really, what they needed to get the best at was probably letting things go.

“Sex and touch are not the same though,” King said once he could trust his voice not to waver too much. Uea tilted his head to the side, puzzled, and the cat imagery slammed into King again unprompted, making him redden.

“What?”

“When I say I want to hold your hand. Or hug you or kiss you or just have a cuddle, it’s not- it has nothing to do with sex. I just want to do that.”

“You do?”

In other circumstances, King might have thought Uea was having him on, maybe mocking him. But he looked carefully considering, and maybe he was right, maybe King had never communicated clearly, genuinely, without hiding behind some teasing and innuendo, that he did, in fact, want that.

“Yeah. It’s just natural to me. I’m a pretty tactile guy.”

It was a bit of an understatement, but Uea stayed dead serious as he pondered over King’s words. And then he pulled at his face as he moved forward, and he pressed a light but lingering kiss to King’s lips.

It was hard to hold on to any productive thoughts, so King elected to not bother. He leaned into the kiss, heart racing like a teenager’s at such a simple contact, but he had been starved, truly, and Uea smelled nice and his lips were soft and his hands gently cradling King’s face and so what else what he supposed to feel but elation?

Uea didn’t go far when he broke the kiss, just enough that he could peer at King’s face, looking for something surely, a sign, a reaction. King couldn’t be bothered to hide what was most likely a stupid, lovesick expression. He just really, really liked kissing Uea.

“Just this?” Uea asked, unsure, a little miffed. Almost skeptical, as if there was no way.

Not for the first time King had to battle down a rising rage at all the people who could have twisted Uea’s view on relationship so badly, every man who somehow couldn’t see any value in him save from the pleasure they could take from his body. And Uea had admitted – to his therapist first and to King later – that it might have been a form of self-harm as well, the men he was seeing, the type of relationship he kept getting into. But that didn't justify a thing. As if it could be on him, and not on the sheer number of assholes polluting this world. How could there be so many shitty men walking the earth and crossing Uea’s path? It was baffling.

King did have a high sex drive and he did enjoy getting laid a lot. But it had little to do with this – the warmth they shared, the breath ghosting on each other’s lips, the tenderness and affection. He had never shied away from appearing needy.

“Uea. A day spent making out with you fully clothed on my couch would be a day well worth etching into the calendar.”

They still had a lot to learn at each other, probably, if Uea’s widening eyes and dawning realization were anything to go by. It didn’t matter if Uea didn’t believe him right away, if it bore repeating. Most good lessons did.

King didn’t move, but he hoped Uea would lean in again, would kiss him again. And Uea understood it, and he did, and they just kissed lazily for a while before moving on to their evening routine, before curling into each other in King’s huge bed. Uea let King wrap around him, let him run his fingers across his bare skin without tensing up, without expecting anything else at all. They fell asleep easy.

It was smoother after that. Not that Uea suddenly gave free rein to King's absurd touchiness, because he was still firmly against office PDA, and still cagey about the boundaries around his body and skin. But he didn't welcome King's plea for affection with wariness anymore, and he even seemed to develop a fondness for it. For indulging King. He always looked a little surprised at King's eagerness and joy, so King made sure to play it up a little, to make it very clear that he enjoyed the attention a lot. It wasn't much of an effort. He really, really did.

Uea’s libido was still a bit dodgy, but as his treatment was stabilized and his therapy sessions started to be a little less gruesome, King was delighted to find that particular light back in his not-boyfriend’s eyes when they landed on him sometimes. It felt incredible. He had underestimated how good it was to induce this desire, this heat. Especially in Uea whom King was crazy about. And crazy was the right word. Sometimes King was mad at his own irrationality. Who had any business wanting and needing another person so badly?

And then Uea rejected that foolish newcomer on Valentine's Day, talked about his boyfriend, and when they stumbled into King’s condo that night, bodies on fire and physically unable to keep their hands off each other, King figured it wasn’t so bad anyway. It was okay, since Uea was just as gone, since he whined and begged and kept repeating “I missed you, I missed you” as he clung to him fiercely.

He was trembling, oversensitive to every little brush of skin, and King wasn’t much better. He was only now taking in the true fragility of Uea’s body, the sheer magnitude of him just baring his skin, welcoming another's touch, after what he had been through. King worried that he hadn't done enough before. He would have been even more attentive, more conscientious if he had known. Would that be what Uea wanted though? He certainly hated being treated as brittle or damaged. They would need time to adjust to it all.

It was okay, since they had days, weeks, years to come to get better at it, to make each other feel good and loved and safe in this world. King worshipped every inch of Uea’s body, overcome with gratitude and joy, that they ended up here at last, after everything. He kept pressing praises and promises into Uea’s skin, eager for the next second and the next decade alike.

He couldn’t wait.