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It’s hard to say when this started, the constant blushing, daydreaming, ache in my chest when I see him with someone else. My heart beating faster when I saw the glistening in his eyes whenever he smiled, and the jealousy I felt when he was laughing with someone else other than me. I was always known as his best friend, but deep down I wanted something other than that, something... closer.
Not family,
Not Best friend.
But something like...
lover.
But I know, and it hurts me to admit that I won’t be something other than his best friend.
Days I see his eyes look down into someone else, eyes filled with emotions I was most familiar but unfamiliar with. God knows how many times I would spend home crying because I was too scared to tell him the feelings I felt. Love, Hate, Frustration, Happiness, Loneliness, Confusion.
But Love was the strongest of them all.
God, I hate this so much. How I wished I hadn’t fallen in love with someone who I couldn’t be with. I hated how I couldn’t control my feelings, ones I shouldn’t have. I wanted to tear my chest out in frustration when he kissed me drunk, then said someone else’s name.
I hated how I lingered for the kiss, hoping it could last longer.
The longing for his touch, his smile, his voice. Everything part of him, the perfection, the imperfection. Although it seems to me, despite his complaints every day about his imperfections, he was beautiful, stunning to say the least. The dimples that show whenever he smiles, god I want to poke it so much. And when I did, he would laugh while holding my wrist, his eyes curving as he did so.
That was my favorite moment of all time, reliving the pain I felt for months.
But what pained me more was knowing none of those belonged to me.
And anyone but me.
I'm too scared to tell him, scared to break our friendship.
If anything could be worse than what it is now, it would be breaking the close-to-invisible barrier between us.
One simple sorry could break everything I have tried to build between us break.
I'm just a coward, but I would rather stay one if it meant him.
And it's the best I could do at this moment.