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The clock that started at 25:00 counted down second by second. Shiki was unsure of what this clock was, but he felt it every second of his life.
Shiki remembers all the breaths he had stolen from the world, the moments when he felt he was wasting space by existing. Breathing was so easy, but the times he tried to cut it off, trying to choke himself dead, and waking up to bruises along his neck the next day were concerning.
“You need help.” A voice in his head whispered.
“I need help.” Shiki whispered back.
Shiki remembers Nayuta. Those occasions they saw each other in passing after witnessing his death felt surreal. Shiki never failed to break down crying in his room. Nayuta knows Shiki. He has no excuse to pretend he didn’t. There was no easy way to make it seem like he forgot, he couldn’t just say “I don’t know anything” and look away.
The hands held for comfort was all Shiki had in those times, words could never escape his lips detailing the traumatic loss of his closest friend. Ryu guided Shiki through those moments, providing solace and comfort when Shiki wanted to die.
Shiki remembers going by the record shop next to the train tracks, staring at the platform, and imagining seeing Nayuta walking across it to meet him. The sound of the radio buzzing, interrupted by the colorful emotions Shiki had felt when seeing Nayuta’s smile after a long day. They both were broke and could afford few luxuries, but browsing the shop was a shared comfort for them both. When they saved up they would buy records together and take turns bringing them home.
For the following two years, Shiki would always cling desperately to the last record Nayuta gave him before his death. It served as a reminder to what could have been. Shiki vividly could still see Nayuta jumping off the rooftop. Shiki froze, holding that record in his hands and barely letting a scream escape his lips as Nayuta took his final breaths. Every day following that, Shiki wanted so dearly to be brought there to heaven with Nayuta too.
“You are a beautiful angel now, waiting for me to die alone and in pain just to punish me at the pearly white gates.” Shiki told himself once.
The world Shiki was born into thrived for the living, the colors of the landscape, though far and untouched by mankind, existed for all who had beating hearts. The world Shiki was born into existed for those who would have futures, cities were built up for generations to come after.
After coming to this realization, Shiki realized he could never touch Nayuta again. He wasn’t breathing anymore, the nature that Shiki loved almost as much as Nayuta didn’t exist for the one who had passed away. Then Shiki pondered what the sake of Nayuta’s and his life was. If not for something then why did Nayuta die for nothing? Shiki knew he was someone without a future as well, and so was his precious friend.
“Maybe that’s why I loved you.” Shiki mumbled to himself that time. The negativity consumed him, and he sank into pity and despair. It was a monster, terrifying and dangerous. Shiki couldn’t tame the beast that was his emotions, so it ate his heart whole until he felt nothing but longing for what was.
Years passed, and finally, Shiki learned of a miracle. Nayuta was alive, his suicide attempt failed. He easily accepted Shiki into his life, promising to make up for his past mistakes. Shiki could never blame the Nayuta who loved him for anything, instead trying to pin the issues on himself.
Presently, Shiki and Nayuta cuddled close for comfort. Their hands warm and intertwined, Shiki wanted more. He brought himself closer to Nayuta, resting his head on his chest. Nayuta smiled and clasped his hand tighter around Shiki’s. His breaths were slow, his chest rose up and down with a mix of comfort and serenity.
Shiki had trouble expressing the love he had for Nayuta, even showing it physically was just as difficult. Nayuta had no trouble with it, smiling at Shiki every time they met. Yet Shiki had not verbalized it, the feeling of uncertainty made him sure that if he didn’t tell Nayuta that he loved him now he would eventually go away forever. So, under his breath, he whispered a declaration of love.
“Please never leave my side, Nayuta-kun.”
Nayuta softly smiled, taking his hand from Shiki and caressing his cheek. Their eyes met for a moment before Shiki flushed and looked away.
“I never would, Shiki.” He said, gently planting a kiss on his forehead.
It hurt, it hurt Shiki so much and Nayuta just couldn’t see it. The warmth in his heart was overwhelming, the anxiety in his stomach made it almost difficult to clearly breathe. Shiki couldn’t stand the pain, which in actuality was excitement, but it was addicting to love Nayuta so deeply.
Shiki doesn’t know what to say to Nayuta but offers a giddy smile. He brought himself closer, taking in the scent of Nayuta’s cheap cologne. He recalled the past, then brushed it aside with only thoughts of the future, now with Nayuta forever at his side Shiki felt he could do anything.
“Nayuta-kun, this world we live in is built for us.” Shiki knew it was nonsense, but he continued with the thought. “I once thought that I wouldn’t make it far, but I think now that maybe I will finally achieve something.”
Nayuta’s laugh was so loving and sweet, and surely the world that was for just them both was beautiful.
“I’m sorry, I sound silly.” Shiki apologized.
“I’m not laughing at you, Shiki. I just never thought of it that way before, but you’re right.” Nayuta’s hand delicately pressed against Shiki’s back, hugging him tight.
It was now 0:00. Shiki could finally say goodbye to any of his doubts.