Work Text:
The usually soft green bedroom was more of a soft gold as the morning sun peeked through the blinds, its warmth coating Maya’s cheek. Her left hand subconsciously slid to the other side of the bed where her husband slept and found it empty. The sheet was barely warm. She forced her heavy lids open and rubbed her eyes before they could snap shut. Where could he have gone? They always spent the morning in bed together on her days off. She felt wetness against the bottom of her bare butt as she rolled onto her back. Frowning, she sat up and threw the covers off, shivering briefly as her naked body was exposed to the cooler air of the room. Her eyes widened as she found the source of the wetness.
Blood.
A lot of it.
“What in the world?” She said quietly.
It wasn’t her period because she had just had one. It had been lighter and shorter than normal, but it was a period. Upon closer inspection, there was quite a bit of clumps in the blood. A sudden, sharp pain caught her by surprise and she hunched over a little, wrapping her left arm around her lower abdomen. She slowly breathed her way through the pain.
“Oliver!” She called loudly.
He had to be in the house somewhere. He never left the house when she was asleep without leaving a note. She felt a small gush of blood between her legs accompanied by another round of pain. Her own thoughts were able to distract her this time. Increased fatigue, light periods, mood swings, sensitive breasts, weird cravings. They had been going on for the past couple of months. Denial creeped in as the pieces of the puzzle snapped together in her head.
She was pregnant. And now she was miscarrying.
“OLIVER!”
“I’m here, I’m here.”
His presence in their bedroom doorway was short lived as he crossed the distance between there and her side of the bed in only a few strides. Concern filled his features as he took in the scene before him. Even he knew that was too clotted to be from a typical menstrual cycle. He hurried into their bathroom and grabbed a handful of towels. He started to help her wipe up the mess when she stopped him.
“Get me some clothes. We have to go to the hospital.”
“Why?” He asked as he disappeared into their closet and grabbed the first articles of her clothing he could find.
“I think I’m miscarrying.”
He froze. Just like Maya, denial swept through him. There was no way she was pregnant. She just recently had her period. He had noticed some mood swings and bodily changes with her over the past couple of months but he thought it was related to her work.
His body finally cooperated with his brain and started moving again. He grabbed wallets, phones, and keys while Maya dressed herself. He helped her to her feet.
“Do you think you can walk?”
“I’ll try.”
She had apprehended suspects after being stabbed and shot in the line of duty. Certainly she could walk while experiencing a miscarriage. She got to the stop of the stairs before another contraction hit. All ten of her knuckles went white as one hand gripped the corner of the wall and the other gripped Oliver’s arm. If her powerful grip was causing him any pain, he wasn’t showing it. He comforted her through the pain the best he could, murmuring against the top of her head. When she started moving down the stairs, he kept an arm around her waist in case pain took her by surprise and knocked her off balance.
He helped her into the passenger side of his car and slipped into the driver’s seat. They buckled themselves in while they waited for the garage door that seemed to take an eternity to open fully. Why do things move so much slower when you’re in a hurry? The second his wheels touched the road, his hand found hers without looking away from the street. His thumb brushed over the ring on her finger. A day off work meant she got to wear her wedding ring like a typical wife. She was always wearing her ring on a chain around her neck while she was at work. Her job as a Sergeant Detective meant she was around criminals on a daily basis. She didn’t want to give them leverage against her by openly wearing her ring.
Hearing her voice pulled his focus away from her ring, which he was absently stroking. He spared a glance her way to find her talking on the phone. She must have snagged it from his sweatpant pocket while they were walking down the stairs. She was too good at being sneaky sometimes.
“I don’t know how long the bleeding has been going on. I woke up to it,” she replied to the person.
He knew immediately that she was speaking to a nurse. Though they would take her back right away upon arrival once they knew it was a miscarriage, she was speeding up the process a little more by warning them of her arrival ahead of time. Her conversation was interrupted by another contraction followed by a small gush of blood. Maya repositioned herself so she was sitting crisscrossed in her seat, her feet positioned beneath her butt to prevent any blood from reaching the seat.
“We’re almost there so I’m gonna let you go,” Maya said to the nurse.
“Okay. I’ll be waiting outside for you with a wheelchair. Look for a blonde girl in purple scrubs.”
“Got it. Thank you ma’am.”
She ended the call and put her phone in her pocket.
X
Maya hated hospitals. She felt you did more waiting in them than actually receiving treatment unless you were a life or death case. Conversation usually helped pass the time but no conversation was happening today. Neither her or Oliver knew what to say, so they said nothing. They were still trying to wrap their head around the fact that she was pregnant - at least Maya was confident she was now that she reflected on the symptoms of the last couple of months. The nurse who came into the room to share her bloodwork results confirmed this. The hCG levels in her blood showed she was 10 weeks pregnant. Now they were waiting to get an ultrasound to see whether the baby was alive or not because, according to the nurse, women could bleed early in their pregnancy but it wasn’t usually a problem. “It happens when the embryo plants itself in the wall of your uterus,” the nurse had said. But Maya knew something wasn’t right. There had been too much blood - and lumps - on the sheet for the baby to still be alive.
The first pang of grief sparked in her chest at the thought. A baby. She had always wanted to be a mother. More specifically, the mother she never had. She wanted to experience the flutters, kicks, and movements of a growing child within her that mothers gushed about when they reminisced of pregnancy. She wanted the pregnant woman glow that people spoke so fondly of. More importantly, she wanted all of that with Oliver. She had seen how he was with kids in his career as a prosthetist. She had seen how well he cared for them and for her. He was more than ready to be a father and she wanted to give him that. To learn that that wish had been in her grasp and she never knew -
“Maya Carson?”
“Huh?”
Maya’s unreadable face suddenly became readable for a blink of an eye when her brows furrowed in confusion.
“Maya Carson?” The woman repeated.
“That’s me.”
“My name is Joy. I’m the ultrasound technician who will be doing your scan today.”
Maya was too lost in the fog of her mind and emotions to put together the unfortunate coincidence of the moment. Here she was, in the midst of a traumatic moment, and her technician’s name was Joy. Oliver picked up on it but didn’t have it in him to say anything. He followed the technician to the ultrasound room, pushing Maya along in the wheelchair provided for her. He bent his head down beside her ear.
“Do not be afraid, for God is with us. What Satan means for evil, God will turn it for good,” he whispered.
Maya looked up at him, the corners of her lips curling upwards a little. She responded to his references of Isaiah 41:10 and Genesis 50:20 by laying her hand on his arm and squeezing firmly. He was doing the best thing they could do right now: looking to God. Their Christian faith and trust in God had gotten them through many tough, traumatic events in their lives. They knew He would get them through this too.
Oliver sat beside the examination table after helping Maya onto it. She pulled her pants down a little and lifted her shirt as the technician instructed her to.
“The gel is gonna be cold,” Joy quietly warned.
Maya’s stomach still flinched despite the warning. Her and Oliver’s eyes were glued to the monitor along with Joy’s, watching as the scene on the monitor changed with the movements of the probe along her abdomen. Dread suddenly spread through Maya’s chest as the probe stopped moving and Joy pressed down a little harder on it. She turned her head towards Oliver, the obnoxious crinkle of the paper beneath her sounding like a gunshot in the small room.
“I can’t,” she whispered.
“It’s okay,” he murmured.
He brought his free hand up to her head, his thumb slowly stroking her forehead while his other fingers rested in her hair. He briefly looked down to see that she had closed her eyes. He then looked at Joy, her face unreadable as she studied the monitor, a quiet ‘click’ bouncing off the walls of the room whenever she took a picture.
The silence was torture.
The words that followed were worse.
“I’m so sorry,” Joy said quietly.
Oliver saw his wife’s face twist with anguish for a moment before the facade settled back into place. She loudly cleared her throat in an attempt to suppress the cry that threatened to come.
X
The rest of the hospital visit was a blur for Maya. Oliver concluded that only God had kept him in a clear enough state of mind to handle listening to and shortly conversing with the doctor before they were allowed to go home. The doctor explained that most miscarriages that happened before 12 weeks were what was called a “complete miscarriage”, where all of the pregnancy tissue would pass naturally. The ultrasound supported that. Maya was to schedule an appointment with an OBGYN within the next couple of weeks to make sure all of the tissue had passed. The doctor said she was free to resume her normal activities but Oliver would make sure she got another day off of work before that happened. Emotionally, she needed it.
Though Maya didn’t seem to be in as much physical pain as she had been that morning, Oliver kept her close as they walked inside the house and up the stairs to their bedroom. Maya’s first sign of hesitation showed when they reached the doorway of their bedroom. Her eyes fell to the blood stain and the dirty towels on the bed.
“I’ll take care of the sheets. You go take a shower, okay?”
She nodded. He placed a soft kiss to her temple before he stepped away from her.
He started by moving the pillows, towels, comforter, and loose sheet off of the bed. He finally heard the bathroom door close as he removed the fitted sheet. Thanks to the plastic vinyl mattress cover, their mattress was protected from the blood that had seeped through the sheets. He cleaned and sanitized the area with some supplies from the laundry room downstairs. Then came the big job: getting the blood out of the sheets. He didn’t know if the towels could be salvaged so easily, but he would try.
As expected, the stain on the fitted sheet didn’t give much of a fight once he figured out the right speed in which to rub it together. Soap suds covered his hands, forearms, and dotted the walls of the deep well utility sink in their laundry room. As he rinsed the soap from the area for the third time, he started talking out loud,
“I need help God,” he said. “I don’t know what to say to Maya. But you do. You know what will bring her the most comfort. You say in James 1:5 that “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” I thank you Lord you’ll give us both wisdom on how to comfort one another.”
He then went quiet. He put the sheets into the washer first. He delayed the start on it so it wouldn’t take all the water from Maya’s shower. As he started rubbing the first towel in the same manner he rubbed the sheet, different scriptures and song lyrics came to mind.
When he finished cleaning the towels 30 minutes later, he had a good idea or two of what to say to his wife. He rubbed his sore and tired arms as he went back upstairs to check on Maya. He finally heard the shower turn on once he reached their bedroom. The opaque shower door gave ample protection from potential unexpected or unwelcome visitors. It would be a useful feature when little ones started running around here.
A pang of grief hit him at the innocent thought.
“Too soon,” he whispered under his breath.
He tapped the knuckle of his index finger on the door twice to announce his presence before he opened it just enough to peek inside. He immediately noticed the redness around her eyes when she looked at him.
“Maya…” he said quietly.
Still fully clothed, he stepped in the shower with her. She burrowed deep into his embrace, his clothes the only thing preventing them from being full skin-to-skin contact. His rested his cheek on the top of her head. It didn’t take long for that tough facade she had miraculously kept up all day to finally crack, her breathing going from shaky to heaving as a sob shook her, the loudness of it startling both of them. Oliver leaned against the nearest wall and slowly slid down it. She curled up in his lap and buried her face in his neck. Her sobs shared a startling similarity to the ones she emitted after the death of her first partner (and mentor), Sully Curran. They came from deep within and they held such heartbreak that his own tears were brought out of hiding. They rolled down his face without shame as he began to rock Maya side to side. His father did it for him and his brothers whenever they cried. He discovered after Sully’s death that Maya took comfort in it too.
He felt Maya’s hand move from his back to the nape of his neck, stroking the skin and hair there. Her sobs had softened to the same shaky breaths he was emitting. Though his shaky breaths were covered by a deep breath he took to summon the last little bit of courage to do something he usually didn’t enjoy doing unless there was music: sing. Maya felt his chest rumble against hers as he began,
“You are not alone
God’s right here - he paused briefly to slip a hand between them and touch her chest - and now he’s singing you this song.
Mm mm mm mm
He will carry you
Mm mm mm mm.”
The soothing rumble of his chest - and his soft voice - continued as he went between singing the original lyrics and ones that he could make up on the spot. His intimate performance was eventually interrupted when Maya stretched her neck to kiss him. She repositioned herself so she was sitting upright in his lap. Her hand at his nape moved up into his hair. His hands pressed into her back, pressing her body firmer against his.
Maya broke the kiss first, pressing her forehead against his.
“That was beautiful,” she whispered.
He opened his mouth to protest about his singing talent - or lack thereof in his opinion - but she stopped him.
“You don’t have to sound like a professional singer for the song to have meaning.”
Her long lashes finally opened and the piercing blue eyes he had fallen in love with met his chocolate brown gaze.
“You’re not alone either.”
“I know.”
During the three years they dated, they had worked hard at having a strong friendship as well as healthy communication. There were so secrets between them as a result. They knew they could come to one another and talk and be vulnerable about anything without fear of judgment. Maya felt it was important that she emphasize that. This was a tragic and traumatic loss for the both of them after all. Neither of them should have to grieve alone. She recognized that in the topic of miscarriages, the man’s pain was never talked about. She didn’t want that to be the case here. Oliver’s pain deserved as much recognition as hers.
Finally noticing the water had gotten much cooler since he first entered the shower, Oliver stretched out his leg and, with a little effort, grabbed ahold of the handle with his toes and shut the water off. The idea of a shower would have to wait until the water heater refilled. No matter how desperate they ever became for a shower, neither of them would ever settle for a cold shower.
Maya was the first to move. She helped Oliver to his feet and then helped him out of his clothes. He draped them over the shower door once they wrung them out. They were dried off and in warmer clothes in minutes.
They shared a smile when stomachs growled in unison on the way downstairs. Neither of them had eaten since the day before. Oliver suggested something high in iron for Maya’s benefit. As ingredients were searched for and dinner preparations began, smiles and laughter filled the kitchen, washing away any leftover traces of sadness and grief. They had had their moment of weeping (and other moments of grief would certainly come) but they were making the decision not to focus on it anymore today. The valley of grief was a dangerous place to stay. Maya had been stuck there before and she refused to go there again. She chose to think herself happy just like Paul did in Acts 26:2 because as she thought back to the ultrasound technician’s name, she knew that better days were ahead.