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Dear Khun Yai,
I still can't believe everything that's happening to me. The fact that i went to past right after i thought i was dead because of that car incident, and i fell into that cold and deep water. I wasn't scared, at first. I used to think—ah, dying was better. I'm already hurt as it is—even the one that I've loved for a long time cheated on me, while i was busy preparing a house of our long-awaited dream. That i better be left alone, and I've stopped believing in love since then. But that water was deep, and cold. Too cold, in fact. It felt worse that i knew there won't be anyone to help me in this deserted out-of-nowhere lake. I was completely alone in that quiet, dark, and cold place without any hope. I was.. scared.
Until you came, like an unseen miracle, a glimmering hope that I've never expected, and brought me up to the surface into a completely foreign place and unknown time. I thought i was cursed and damned for my whole life even in my afterlife too by arriving in this place, in the past. But that one glare—the moment our dark yet bright eyes locked into each other for the first time in that lake—even for milliseconds, that was the moment when i thought; this is it. Like there's an indescribable feeling of, there's something that clicks, that told me that i came into the right place. And that feeling right now was something that felt foreign at first but now it became a desire, one that I've wanted to have, eternally.
I love the way you look at me with those beautiful and endearing eyes, that stares deep into my lonely soul and to every single part of my body that you always seemed to desire. It feels like eternity—while looking at those gentle onyx eyes of yours—like the world was left solely for us two, like we were invisible and nothing can stop us from desiring each other.
I love the way you talk to me with polite yet friendly manner—i thought you were just a timid-overly-formal person but you were the most gentle-spoken person that I've ever seen and i loved every single words that come out from those plump lips of yours. You really have a sweet mouth, i have to admit it. Too sweet indeed, that always make me fall over and over again into you.
I love the way your warmth engulfs my body every time you embrace me with those wide shoulders of yours, when your sweet plumeria scent keeps lingering in my body even after you left. I feel safe, and wish that the time would stop inside you tight embrace so i would never let you go.
I love the way you touch and cup my faces every time you feel happy, sad, or worried about me. I've always liked those tender touch from your big and soft hands, they're like a cure for every problems inside my heart. And when they touched my skin, it felt like a jolt to my heart but in a gentle way. The way your touch caressed my body gently like a flower, and those feelings that keep lingering in body every time I'm missing your existence beside me.
I love those precious moments that we've spent together. Even though they were short-lived, they became an unforgettable memories that will be engraved deep in my heart—When we kissed under the rain, when we danced under the dim light, when i drew a portrait of you on the bed, when we took the bath in the tub together, when you carried me on your back, when i rub the olive oil to your body, when you slept next too me while feeling your breath behind my neck, when you took care of me when i was sick, everything.
I love every single thing of you, that I'm even unable to put them into words. I was already aware that I can't stay here forever, but I just can't help but fell in love with you. With your irresistible gaze and sweet mouth, how can i not fall in love? I'm sorry if i ever hurt your feeling, or maybe felt betrayed because of my selfish decision, but Khun Yai, one thing that i can guarantee is the fact that, i truly loved you. Those moments were not fake, not even a single one of it. I've been loving you in every second that we've spent together. Even though I'll be leaving in any moment, i will never, ever, forget you. I don't know whether my existence will be forgotten by you and the others after i leave, because honestly, that idea scares me more than the fact that i will disappear. But even if there's a smallest hope, god i beg you please, to make my existence felt memorable even when they won't remember my face or name.
I just want you live the way you want, happily. I want you to study properly abroad, you hear me? You're a smart and diligent person, i believe that you can make it. When you're sad, and you're missing me, you can look at those plumeria flowers. Did you know that plumeria flower not only represents beauty, grace, and charm, but also a new beginning? I want you to remember that this is not the end, but instead, it's a new beginning for you. The beginning of your life, your happiness, and your true desire. And here, I'll also try my best in my life too so please, don't give up, okay?
I believe that maybe someday, somewhere, i can meet you again, even in the future. Maybe we can meet again, fall in love with each other again, in every life time. And I'll always remember you every time, because your name will be always engraved herein, right here, where our heart lies, eternally.
I've loved you, love you, and will always do.
From the love of your life, Jom.