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To my dearest and most beloved person, Pho Jom.
This marks the first letter that I write. Maybe, you'll get to read this letter someday—probably decades or hundred years later—and when you do, it means I'm not in this world anymore.
I wonder, how have you been? What are you doing right now? How are you holding right there? Have you been eating properly? Did you sleep soundly last night?
Do you, by any chance, miss me?
Do you still remember the day we met for the first time in the lake? When we looked at each other, I feel like there’s something inside me, something that I’ve never felt in twenty years of my life. Our first impression may not be the most pleasant one, but slowly I was starting to realize how beautiful you are, Jom.
I was captivated by those adorable, dazzling, black eyes full of hope yet somehow, contains feeling of deep despair within. When those glimmering tears and sorrowful sobs poured out from your sad eyes and quivering mouth, I felt a heart-wrenching thump inside me—a grief that always feels unknown to me. I wonder, what have you gone through to feel that extent of sorrow? For the first time, I wanted to ease the pain inside someone’s heart. And I never regretted my decision to stay beside you at the riverside that night, even when I was just accompanying you in silence. When you thanked me because of my companion and smiled at me, I felt like spring flowers start to bloom inside my soul. I was really happy, Jom.
I want to seek forgiveness due to my unsightly behavior towards you—those periods when I avoided you. Honestly, I was confused. I never liked someone before, therefore I didn’t know how to act properly. I thought, by avoiding you, I’ll be able to keep my composure, but it was all in vain in the end. I surrendered. As the time passed by, I started to want more—desire something more than just a companionship. Yearning for more than just your heart.
I want you, Pho Jom.
I want to taste those plump-cherry lips of yours in my mouth, to feel every inch of your body curve within my embrace, to breathe the sweet flowery scent behind your slender neck every night, to fill your fluffy cheeks within the grasp of my hand, to pat your polished-soft black hair every morning, to see your radiant smile as wide as the blue sea. I was completely enchanted every single part of your whole existence, that even thousand lines of poem couldn’t entirely describe my feelings towards you. You were my ray of sunshine, the moonlight of my gloomy nights, the pouring rain on my withering soul, and the butterfly that dances in my garden of blooming flowers. Unfortunately, I’m not a good artist like you—I can’t draw well. I really wished I could. Then I’d be able to engrave all your beautiful features on those white papers that I can keep for the rest of my life.
Pho Jom, I can’t stand being apart from you even for a second. Those seven days felt like an eternity. There hasn’t been a single night without me crying on the bed while clutching deeply onto the only picture that captured your last existence in this world, this dimension, this period. It hurts Jom, it truly hurts. Everything hurts. My heart aches every time I think about you, when your shadow fades slowly in my eyes. When I felt your weight gradually disappears within my tight embrace. At that time, for the first time, I hated the cruel fate that is fallen upon us. I hated while I prayed profusely, wishing the god would grant my sole wish—begging them not to take you away from my body, from this place, from this world. But then, I still couldn’t hold onto you, as your body being consumed by a cruel thing called time. I was in a great despair—knowing the fact that you’ll be gone for good. I have never felt a feeling as strong as this towards someone, it’s the first time for me and yet it became the most painful thing that I could ever experience.
And It has been a week since you left this place.
Since the day your scent slowly fades and somehow still lingers in the air that I breathe until this moment. Seven days waking up alone with a cold, unwrinkled bedsheet beside me. I’ve always thought one week is a short period of time. Day by day, spending time outside as the sun rises and sets each day. And when the night comes, i could just close my eyes and yet another day will come in a blink. All those times I’ve spent without you. But that’s when I realized—
Oh Jom, I was entirely wrong.
Do you know how does it feel to wake up still hoping that you’d be there every day? I still can hear your voice throughout the walls of this empty house, just to realize that I’m completely alone in this place. The voice of the typewriter machine still haunts me every morning as I was too used to hear that voice with your presence sitting behind the table. It’s getting harder to distinguish between dream and reality as your shadow keeps appearing inside the range my eyesight. At this rate, I don’t even care whether it is a ghost, demon, or anything you name it, if it’s a sign of your presence, then I’m delighted to see you in any form. Even if I could only meet you inside my dreams, I’m okay with it.
But again, I realized that I must face the cruel reality. I must face all of this by myself eventually, and I can’t stay in this misery forever. By the fact that you went back to your time, not because of death, at least puts me at ease. Because at least, it means you’re still alive, even though not in this place. I will try to cope, and adapt. I’m also preparing for my studies abroad so don’t worry, I will study properly. Sadly there’ll be no plumeria flowers overseas, but at least, I’ll keep a dried one as a reminiscence of your existence in my life.
Pho Jom, you were the most beautiful fate that I’ve ever encountered. I was enchanted to meet you. And probably, in another life, this time I’ll be the one who find you.
So darling, my love Jom, don’t be afraid—You’re not alone anymore. All along I believed that I would find you; the time has brought your heart to me, I’ll love you for a thousand years, and a thousand more. I will be brave; I will not let anything take away what’s in front of me—not anymore.
I will be happy for you, and for my own self, so please, take care of yourself right there, okay? Don’t forget to eat healthy foods, sleep sufficiently, wear comfortable clothes, rest properly and don’t extent yourself too much, also don’t forget to smile like you always do. Please remember that no matter what happens, you deserve every good things in this world, and you deserve to be loved. Thank you for becoming the best part of my life, my soul, my fate, and my time. I love you, my beloved Jom, wholeheartedly from the bottom of my purest heart.
From your beloved person—your past, present, and future,
Yai.