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Chapter Text

It was a pleasantevening in Jellystone. The sun was setting, but rather than preparing for bed, most of the townsfolk were gathered along the beach. This included several tv crews, some of which appeared to be from out of town. Mayor Huckleberry stood apart from everyone else, holding a megaphone. As the sun began to turn red, he addressed the crowd. “Greetings, my fellow Jellystonians. I must say it does my heart good to see so many of you coming out to celebrate this most beautiful occurrence. As you all know, every ninety years on this night, this beach is blessed with a clear view of the majestic Taft Comet as it passes by the earth.”

“I didn’t know that!” called a voice from the crowd. 

“Uh… yes, Wally, I figured that. I noticed that you got here late and looked kinda confused, so I was trying to catch you up without singling you out.”

“Oh… Thanks.”

Huckleberry nodded and continued. “Not only is the Taft Comet beautiful to the eye, but it is also a wishing star, able to grant a wish to one lucky citizen of our town.”

The geriatric Hardy Har-Har smiled nostalgically. “Ah yes, I remember the last time it came. I’d been having trouble finding a girlfriend so I wished the world had a more equal gender balance. Of course at the time I had assumed that it would just create a bunch of new women out of thin air.”

Her husband Lippy let out a hearty chuckle. “At least you made for a nice lookin’ lady!”

Huckleberry continued his speech. “As you can see, with the wish granting power of the Taft Comet, anything is possible! So when you see it, make sure to wish as hard as you can!”

Soon, the sun descended completely. Since most of the lights in town were already turned off to limit light pollution for the comet, even the regular stars were more vibrant tonight. But it was not through sight that the Taft Comet was seen first… no, first, it was heard.

There was a rapid string of notes that waved high and low, with a sound almost like a synthesizer. Then the comet itself came into view: a massive five pointed star with a striped, rainbow contrail. It began circling the crowd like a halo before coming to rest directly overhead.

That by itself was stunning already: but almost nobody expected for the comet to actually speak. “Greetings, citizens of Jellystone.” While the comet had no mouth or even a face, it (or rather, ‘he’) had an expressive, youthful voice and his glow seemed to pulse with each syllable. Despite not even having a muscle to move, he somehow gave the impression of basking in the noise as everyone in Jellystone began calling out their wishes.

“I wish for infinity sandwiches!” came the voice of Yogi.

Peter Potamus began frantically sputtering “I wish for a Stand! No wait, a Devil Fruit power! No, actually, just make me a Super Saiyan!”

Even the confident Shag Rugg began stuttering “I wanna be- I wanna be- I wanna be famous!”

The voices quieted as the comet began to chuckle. “Settle down now. My own wish would be to grant all of these wishes. But alas, I can only do one per visit, and it’s gotta be earned.” As he spoke, several sparks of light broke away from him and drifted toward some of the townsfolk, each spark illuminating one citizen in starlight. “To begin, I have chosen twenty one potential candidates, selected based on the passion of their wishes and the purity of their hearts."

One of the chosen ones, Cindy Bear, noticed that Top Cat’s entire crew had been selected and felt compelled to ask, “Excuse me, Mr. Comet? How exactly did you determine ‘purity of heart?’”

“Please, call me Taft,” the comet said. “But my method was simple: Each of the ones who were chosen have a heart made from pure ‘heart,’ whether it be natural cardiac tissue or a specially crafted artificial organ. Everyone else’s hearts were too contaminated by foreign microplastics.”

A wave of discomfort washed over everyone that wasn’t picked.

“So… how are you going to choose who gets the wish?” asked Jabberjaw, another chosen one.

“In my previous visit, I used a series of athletic events called the Laff-A-Lympics, named after Jellystone’s then-mayor, Bartimaeus Laff. I wish to continue that tradition,” said Taft. “But I understand that technology and culture have advanced since then. As such, this year the competition will be adapted to the modern ritual of reality television! On my way here, I was contacted by a group who offered to help add a bit of… ‘theatrics.’”

Just then, a limo pulled up along the beach, and a handsome man stepped out. Some of the TV crews, who’d already known to expect him, pointed their cameras toward him. Many in the crowd gasped as they recognized the man as TV’s Chris McLean. “Did some one say ‘drama?’”

“…No?” said Yogi.

“Sorry, I accidentally said ‘theatrics’ instead,” said Taft. “I have to learn a lot of languages when I travel between planets so much! Synonyms are hard!”

“Oh come on! Ah screw it,” Chris said before turning to the cameras. “Well we’ll have all the drama you can handle and more, on Total! Drama! Laff-a-Lympics!”

***

“What do you mean I can’t host this season!? I did that whole intro and everything!” Chris shouted. 

It was the morning after Taft’s arrival, and Chris was in Mayor Huckleberry’s office making final arrangements for the season. Snagglepuss was there too, as well as Taft, who had shrunk himself to human size to fit in the room. The Total Drama producers were joining in the conversation through a video call on Mayor Huckleberry’s laptop, though none of them had the actual video part enabled, just the audio. 

As a wishing star, Taft had many otherworldly powers, which included the ability to send and receive radio transmissions. The producers of Total Drama had contacted him ahead of time in hopes of using his wish as a reward in the new season. While Taft was on board, somewhere along the line someone had forgot to check with the actual government of Jellystone.

“Sorry Mr. McLean,” said Mayor Huckleberry. “Town law says that Jellystonians have first dibs for positions on any TV show filmed in our town, including the host.”

“And that means the role has to go to me,” said Snagglepuss, with perhaps a bit more smugness than was necessary.

“Dude, I am the face of Total Drama!” Chris said. “We already tried this with Ridonculous Race. Doing it without me is like doing Friday the Thirteenth without Freddy Kreuger, or Hellraiser without Pinhead!”

“Is there a reason you picked horror movies?” Taft asked.

“There’s a reason I picked franchises with iconic characters. If I’m not there, it isn’t Total Drama!”

“I dunno,” said Snagglepuss. “I feel like Total Drama is the kind of series where people tune in mostly for the format and tone even if none of the characters are the same. Like, you could in theory do Pokemon and never have Pikachu show up, or Danganronpa without Monokuma.”

“I heard that the author of this fic originally wanted to do a Danganronpa crossover,” said Taft.

“Oh yeah, he made a bunch of the little pixel character things for it,” said Huckleberry. “I think he’s gonna reuse them here.”

“You’re getting off topic!” said Chris. He turned to Taft. “If Jellystone’s rules are getting in the way, do we actually need to do it here?”

Taft nodded. “We wishing stars are very particular about where we grant our wishes. I am a fan of your work, but I have to respect Snagglepuss’ claim.”

There was some muttering of consent among the producers. Chris groaned and turned to them. “Are you seriously considering letting this pink thing sub for me?”

One of them spoke up in a husky, dopey sounding voice. “Well, honestly I kinda like pink. They say it’s a girl color but every time I’ve seen a man wear it he pulls it off.”

Another one with a scratchy, snide voice spoke a bit more to the point. “The only thing that matters is the wish. Suck it up, Chris. You can do the Aftermath Show or something.”

Chris looked angry at first, but with a shrug and a smile he turned his emotions around surprisingly quickly—on the outside, at least. “Alright then. I guess if that’s what’s happening, that’s what’s happening. Congratulations, Snagglepuss.” He turned to face the producers’ webcam (simply because it was the only running camera present) and said. “I guess we’ll see how you do hosting Total! Drama! Laff-A-Lympics! … Sorry, I had to at least get one more of those in.”

***

The show opens on a dingy hotel with Snagglepuss and Mildew standing in front of it.

Snagglepuss spoke up first. “Hello and welcome to the Total Drama Laff-A-Lympics! I’m your host for this season, Snagglepuss, and this is my assistant, Mildew Wolf! On this season of Total Drama, twenty one citizens of the town of Jellystone will be competing for the chance to wish for anything they could possibly want, courtesy of the magical Taft Comet.”

“Behind us stands Jellystone’s own Dalton Hotel,” said Mildew. “We rented out the entire building to house the players and film crew. Its staff, all members of the Dalton family, will be filling the role of interns on previous seasons. The hotel’s linen closets will also act as confessionals where players can vent their thoughts on the game. Like most hotels, the Dalton offers its patrons a free continental breakfast, basic television, a pool, et cetera. But of course, hotel breakfasts get old after a while, especially since that’s also the only thing players will have for lunch and dinner. Besides, the real draw of any hotel is getting to experience the areas around it. As a special reward, the first place team in each challenge will be allowed an all expenses paid night on the town.”

“On the other hand,” said Snagglepuss, “losing a challenge means having to vote off a teammate. The Laff-A-Lympics will follow the same three-team structure previously used on Total Drama World Tour. However, while on that season getting second place was enough to stay safe, some of the challenges this time around will feature double eliminations. That means the third and second place teams will be losing a player, even! But enough about losing players; after all, we haven’t even introduced them yet! Let’s bring them on out! First up, we have a trio of doctors from Jellystone Hospital: Yogi, Cindy, and Boo Boo!”

Yogi, Boo Boo, and Cindy came and joined the hosts, with Yogi especially mugging the camera. As they came onscreen, title cards popped up beneath them:

Yogi: The Gluttonous All-Star

Boo Boo: The Sidekick

Cindy: The Genius

“So guys,” said Mildew, “Why don’t you tell the audience what you’ll use the wish on if you win?”

Boo Boo spoke up first. “I’m going to wish for-”

Yogi cut him off, not even seeming to notice he’d said anything. “I’ve been thinking it over since Taft came and I realized that even if infinity sandwiches would be nice, I can aim a little higher. I think I’ll wish for a chain of restaurants, and a couple mansions—one here in Jellystone and another on a private island—maybe a fleet of jets too.”

“I think that would count as multiple wishes,” Cindy pointed out. “What you should do is wish for something that you can leverage into anything else. That’s why I’m going to wish for the knowledge to permanently cure every disease and malady in existence. Not only would I help the entire world, but just the book deals alone would give me more than enough money to live in luxury.”

“A smart play, and generous too,” said Mildew. “I’m already rooting for you. Rheumatism runs in my family so it would be really nice to not have to worry abou-.”

“Oh jeez, I hadn’t thought of that!” said Snagglepuss. “That type of globally beneficial wish is gonna might make the viewers feel like they morally can’t back any other player! Not to mention if they get overinvested in Cindy then they might tune out if she loses! Everyone, just pretend she’s wishing for a Lamborgini!” He ushered the bears to the side. “In the meantime, let’s bring in some palate cleansers. Here’s Loopy de Loop and Jabberjaw!”

The two of them came out, with Jabberjaw immediately squealing and getting right in front of the camera, even moreso than Yogi did. “Oh my gosh! This is it! I’m on TV! Hi Mom! Hi Dad! Hi Bubbles! Hi Biff! Hi Shelly! Hi Clamhead!”

Jabberjaw: The Flirt

As soon as Jabber was out of the way, Loopy addressed the camera as well. “Hi Kwicky Koala.” She then gave the bras d’honneur. “You know what you did.”

Loopy De Loop: The Bad Girl

“So, what kind of wishes are you two aiming for?” asked Snagglepuss.

“I’m gonna wish to be a movie star!” said Jabberjaw. “The biggest one in Hollywood! Fame, fortune, boys, I’ll have it all!” she turned back to the camera “Though even if I don’t win, if any directors out there need a young, sexy shark lady, you know where to find me!”

“I’d like to use ze wish to help me break into ze fashion industry,” said Loopy. “Eizer zat or become ze iron-fisted dictator of a foreign country. Maybe Australia.”

“Ambitious! I like it!” said Snagglepuss.

“Wait, dictator?” Mildew asked.

Snagglepuss ignored him. “If you two ladies would stand with the bears over there, our next Laff-A-Lympians are the father-daughter duo of Augie Doggie and Doggie Daddy!”

The two came onscreen, hand in hand.

Doggie Daddy: The Helicopter Parent

Augie Doggie: The Princess

“Aw, that’s just precious,” said Mildew. “So what will you wish for if you win, Augie?”

“Ooh! I’m going to wish for a unicorn!” said Augie. “Either that become the queen of a foreign country. Maybe Australia.”

Doggie Daddy swept her up in a big hug. “That’s my girl! You’ll be the best unicorn owner or monarch of Australia ever! And not just because you’d be the only unicorn owner or because the previous dynasty lowered the bar with all the colonialism. As for me, if I win I’ll just give the wish to Augie, not that I expect her to lose.”

“Now that’s adorable,” said Snagglepuss. “Next up is Top Cat and his entourage.”

The cats entered, enjoying the spotlight to varying degrees. The only exception was Spooky, who donned a pair of shades and was acting more like a bodyguard for Top Cat, ready to keep away the paparazzi despite the filming currently taking place in a closed off area with no outside observers.

Top Cat: The Mastermind

Choo Choo: The Hacker

Benny: The Babyface

Fancy Fancy: The Pretty Boy

Brain: The Mellow One

Spooky: The Strong, Silent Type

“So, my fellow felines, what are you all planning to wish for?” asked Snagglepuss.

Top Cat spoke for the gang. “Well, Snagglepuss, we’re each going to—wait, this isn’t our final answer, is it?”

“No, you can change your wish at any time before making it, none of this is official.”

“Then we’re each backing a different charitable cause. Of course, since only one of us can win we also set up online donations so-”

Snagglepuss went into selfishness-enforcement mode again. “Wow, there sure are a lot of of people wanting new cars, am I right? Next up is Shag Rugg!”

Shag swaggered onto the scene, wearing shades and a bunch of bling that almost looked real if you didn’t look too close.

Shag Rugg: The Cool Kid

“Watch out, Total Drama! The Shag Man has come, and he’s seen, so he’s about to conquer!” Shag said, striking a pose. “A while back I ran Shag Land, the most happenin’ club in all of Jellystone, and I’ve been waiting to taste that dream again! When I get that wish, I’mma use it to form my own nightclub empire, with a rebuilt Shag Land as its crown jewel!”

“I like your style, kid!” said Snagglepuss. “I remember Shag Land too, gotta say that wish scores some points with me.”

“You think that’s ‘scoring points?’ Just wait til the game starts, then you’ll really see some numbers on the board!” With that, Shag went to take his place with the other contestants, standing next to Augie.

“Hey Shag,” Augie said. “You wanna team up with me and Daddy? If you win you can let us into your club, and if we win I’ll let you either pet my unicorn or be Australia’s Attorney General.”

“Sounds good to me!” Shag said, grinning.

Meanwhile, Snagglepuss called up the next contestant. “Next up is Wally Gator!”

“Hi everyone!” Wally said as he walked on camera.

Wally Gator: Some Guy

“Hi Wally! What’s your wish going to be?” asked Mildew.

“I’m just gonna wish for a hundred billion dollars,” Wally said.

“Niiiice, and what are you going to spend it on?” asked Snagglepuss.

Wally just shrugged.

“Alright… surprisingly a hundred billion dollars is the most boring wish. Next up are the robot brothers Ruff and Reddy!”

They came right on cue, trying to jostle past each other to get onscreen first.

Ruff: The Automaton

Reddy: The Android

“Slow down, kids. Even with me taking my deservedly large slice, there’s plenty of spotlight for both of you,” said Snagglepuss. “So what kind of wishes are you going after?”

“Honestly…” said Ruff.

“We just want to be real boys,” said Reddy.

“Aww…” said Mildew, trying not to tear up. “Well, I sure hope that you-”

“SIKE!” they both said at once.

“We wanna be even better robots!” said Reddy.

“Get ready to eat your heart out, Optimus!” Ruff shouted into the camera.

“Heh, cute kids,” Snagglepuss noted as the next player came in. “After them is Bobbie Looey! Come on out!”

Bobbie Looey: The Tycoon

She maintained a calm yet confident demeanor as approached the two announcers and shook their hands. “I must say, I never foresaw myself competing on a game show, but I’m excited for the opportunity.”

“And we’re excited to have you. What sort of wish can we expect from Jellystone’s corporate powerhouse?” Mildew asked.

“At this point I’m not ready to make a decision just yet,” she said. “The previous wish by Hardy Har-Har had the unintended side effect of turning a large portion of the world’s men into women. I’ve done some research into his previous visits and while Taft’s wish granting seems to be done in good faith, it’s clear that the phrasing of the wish impacts the outcome significantly. As such I’ve been working on several drafts of possible wishes that would benefit my corporate interests. For example, I considered wishing that any employee working for my company would be unable to make mistakes. However, that could mean that if an employee wanted to embezzle from the company, they could do so flawlessly and avoid detection. Then I considered wishing that any advertisements for our services would be magically enhanced to remain in the minds of their target audience. However, if an advertisement sent unintentional bad messages or some scandal began following an actor involved in the commercial, then the wish could hurt the brand instead of-"

“Wait,” interrupted Snagglepuss. “So you’re putting all this thought into improving your job? Even though you could just use Wally’s meat-head wish and retire instantly?” He turned back and called out “Wally, I’m sorry I called your wish boring!”

“Um, anyway,” said Mildew. “Next up is the last of our child contestants, Yakky Doodle.”

Yakky Doodle: The Chicken (Figuratively; Literally She’s a Duck)

As Yakky entered, she constantly eyed the camera like it was a canon about to fire. “Uh… Hi Mr. Snagglepuss, Mr. Mildew… uh… how many people are watching this?”

Snagglepuss did some quick mental math. “Given that it’s a series as popular as Total Drama with someone as famous as me hosting, probably a few million.”

The color seemed to drain from Yakky’s feathers

“So, what are you going to wish for if you win?” asked Mildew.

If she’d had an idea before, it was forgotten as she discovered a new ambition: “To not be seen and judged by millions of people…”

“Well, good luck with that,” said Snagglepuss. He gently pushed her toward the other contestants, leaving her right next to Augie and Shag.

“Hey, Yakky! Don’t be so nervous!” said Augie. “Come on, you can team up with us!”

“Oh, uh, right,” Yakky said. “I guess I would be more comfortable with you guys.”

Just then, Mildew cried out, “Look up in the sky! It’s a bird! No, it’s a plane!”

“Why are either of those noteworthy to you?” said Snagglepuss. “Also, that is obviously a horse in a cape.”

“Oh… That tears it, I’m not putting off that optometrist appointment anymore. Thank goodness this host gig gives heath insurance…”

At that moment, El Kabong swung in with a grappling hook, making a three point landing in front of the camera.

El Kabong: The Superhero

“Excellent entrance, El Kabong!” said Snagglepuss. “You’re already the favorite to win for a lot of people out there. What kind of wish will you be aiming for?”

As El Kabong stood up, a sudden gust of wind caused his cape to billow dramatically. “I have not decided. There are so many worthy causes in the world. All I know at the moment is that it will advance the cause of peace and justice. Besides, at the end of the day I am simply a competitor like everyone else here, and I would rather not get too invested in a future not yet guaranteed. I know better than to underestimate the good people of this town.”

“Such a mature answer,” said Mildew. “Anyway, this brings us to our last contestant, Peter Potamus!”

Peter Potamus: The Otaku

Peter came out, fidgeting excitedly. “I can’t believe I’m here! Even just being on TV is a dream come true!”

“But it’s not the only dream that might come true,” said Snagglepuss. “Any thoughts on your wish?”

“I don’t know yet. There’s just so many possibilities! So many shows to base it on! Right now, I think I’m going to wish for a Quirk, but that’s not the final answer yet.”

“Personally, I think this cast has enough quirks, am I right?” Snagglepuss said with a wink to the camera. “Though seriously, I have to admit that your wish is surprisingly another one of my favorites. I may be a reality show host now, but I’m a reporter too. Getting a new superhero would really spice up Jellystone’s news cycle!”

Peter struck a heroic pose. “And this show will be the perfect first arc to my story! I can see it now: El Kabong will be my edgy rival-slash-best-friend, Yakky will be my mascot sidekick, and I’ll be caught in a love triangle between the nerdy Cindy and the tsundere Loopy! And we’ll all have to stand together against a series of increasingly powerful and gimmicky villains working under the Dark Lord Joneko!”

“I am not going to play along with zat fantasy,” Loopy called out.

“That’s exactly what a tsundere would say,” Jabberjaw pointed out.

“… Shoot.”

“Anyway, that’s all twenty-one contestants, each one fighting for the reward of a lifetime!”  said Mildew.

“Each one has been deemed worthy to compete, but only one can succeed in the end!” added Snagglepuss dramatically. “Old friendships will be tested, and new ones will be born! Some egos will be crushed as others grow! And it’s all happening right here! On Total! Drama! Laff-A-Lympics!” After a moment he turned to Mildew. “Was that good? I mean I’m sure I’m at least as good of a host as Chris but he’s had a lot of practice on that outro.”

“Yeah, it was great,” said Mildew

“The camera’s still on,” advised Yogi.

“We aren’t doing this live,” said Snagglepuss. “Obviously they’re gonna cut this part from the final broadcast, they aren’t idiots.”

Cue end theme.

Chapter Text

The first challenge began with everyone assembled in front of a junkyard.

“Alright everyone,” said Snagglepuss, “the first round is an evergreen Olympic classic: go karting!

“But that’s not an Olympic event,” objected Cindy. 

 Snagglepuss continued, completely ignoring her. “Inside this junk yard there are seven go kart frames. You just need to add wheels and seats, plus anything else you think will come in handy, and meet back here in two hours. Since there are seven karts, you’ll need to split up into teams of three. Choose carefully, because the people you pick here will be a major factor in determining the main teams that will be used in the competition.”

“Well it looks like that makes things easy for us,” Yogi said, looking to Boo Boo and Cindy, who nodded in assent.

“Alright, I guess we have two groups of three,” Top Cat said to his gang. “Everyone okay with boys on one team, girls on the other?”

“No complaints here,” Choo Choo agreed.

“Well, so much for our team of four…” Shag said, looking to Augie, Doggie Daddy, and Yakky.

Doggy Daddy just shrugged and waved the kids off. “Don’t worry about me. I can find a group with-” Suddenly he felt Augie clinging tightly to his leg.

“Daddy! You can’t be on a different team than me! The harrows of competition will rip our poor little family apart!” Augie’s eyes welled up and she started shaking as if left out in the cold.

“Oh no no no, Augie! I would never let that happen!” Doggie Daddy said, scooping her up in his arms and kissing her forehead. “We don’t have to split up if you don’t want to.”

“But we still have an extra player!” Yakky said. “We gotta decide who’s with Augie and Doggie Daddy!”

Shag nodded. “Yeah. And the other players are grouping up fast. If we don’t figure it out soon the odd man out is gonna wind up with the dregs…” he glanced toward Wally Gator, who was trying to ask to join with Loopy and Jabberjaw. Before he could even finish his sentence, Loopy reached out and grabbed Bobbie Looey, drafting her into their third slot.

“I don’t wanna be with the dregs!” Yakky said fearfully. “Augie, pick someone, quick!” 

Augie glanced between Yakky and Shag. “Well, I did invite Shag first…”

“That is true,” Shag said.

Yakky winced, feeling more dejected then she thought she would. “Oh… Well, that’s okay if he was first. Besides, there’s other good players! There’s Ruff, and Reddy, and even El Kabong! Good luck, guys!”

She turned and left the group, forcing herself to be confident. This hopefulness lasted only until she heard Ruff and Reddy cheering out “WOO! We’re on a team with El Kabong!” Sure enough, she was just in time to see all of her second picks slipping away together into the junkyard. The only people left were…

“Hi Yakky!” Peter Potamus came up to her. “It looks like it’s down to you, me, and Wally! Can you believe that luck? Between my elite ninjutsu, your panic-fueled adrenaline rushes, and Wally’s… um… we’re gonna be the best team in the game!”

###Yakky### 
“Well, they aren’t superheroes or robots, but this could work! What’s the worst that could happen?”

One after another, the teams found their carts and got to work customizing them.

Cindy took charge of her group immediately. “Boo Boo, go try and find some wheels. Yogi, you look for seats.”

“What about you?” Boo Boo asked.

“Well, he did say we could add anything else we wanted,” she said as approached an old car. It appeared to have been crushed under several people and manatees falling out of the sky. When she pried the hood open though, it revealed an engine that might actually be serviceable with a few replacement parts. “I think two hours is enough time for me to make our kart a little more powerful.”

Nearby, Top Cat had been searching for parts and managed to hear the entire conversation. He grinned slyly, knowing a good idea when he heard one. He was no engineer, but he was smart in his own way…

Meanwhile, most of the other racers were doing things a little more conventionally. The difficult part for most of them seemed to be finding four functional wheels of matching sizes.

Augie, Daddy, and Shag’s team managed to track down three wheels, and eventually Augie spotted one more that looked just right. She hurried over and grabbed it, and was about to take it back to her kart when she noticed Yakky’s team. They had three wheels too, and theirs were the same size. She didn’t need to think it over for long before she ran over. “Hey Yakky! If you need a fourth wheel, you can have this one!”

“Really? Thanks!” Yakky said, taking it. “Are you sure?”

“Totally. I wanted to apologize for not sharing a team like we meant to.”

“Well, I’d say this makes us even. Besides, the three person teams are only for this round, so maybe we’ll end up together after this anyway.”

“Let’s hope so! I still got a kart to build now though, see you later!” Augie said before scampering off again.

Soon enough, everyone had finished off their karts and started gathering at the entrance to the junkyard where a starting line had been set up. Yogi, El Kabong, Loopy, Doggie Daddy, and Wally were all at the wheels of their respective carts, with their partners riding in rather cramped back seats. The cats were running fashionably late.

Wally was the first to notice that the bears had a bulky new engine on their carts. “Hey, that’s not fair!”

Cindy just shrugged him off. “Snagglepuss said we could add whatever we wanted. I just happened to add a new engine.”

At about that time, Top Cat drove up in one of the junkyard’s tow trucks, his original kart frame dangling from its hook like a clunky metal flag. A garbage truck driven by Spooky was close behind with her kart tossed into the back.

“Hey, that’s not fair!” Cindy yelled.

Top Cat just shrugged her off. “Snagglepuss said we could add whatever we wanted. We just happened to add entire vehicles.”

“Very true, Top Cat, very true!” Snagglepuss confirmed. “Alright, contestants! We’ve set up a racetrack going from here back to the hotel. First team to get their cart across the finish line wins. Nobody will be getting eliminated in this first challenge, but the winners will get a special advantage that can affect the entire course of the game, even! So give this one your all! Is everyone ready?”

The contestants all said yes, some of them revving their engines in anticipation.

Mildew stepped out in front of the karts dressed in a flag girl outfit. “Alright everyone. On your marks… get set… GO!” He waved the flag and most of the karts shot past him like rockets. Once they were gone, he breathed a sigh of relief. “Well that was lucky. I half expected one of those cars to hit me.” He was then crushed flat under a meteor.

However, the cameras weren’t concerned so much with Mildew and instead focused on the race itself. Top Cat and Yogi’s teams were the clear early leaders. Ironically, the slowest car ended up being Spooky’s garbage truck, which was so heavy that it took a few moments to accelerate, but it wouldn’t be long before it caught up with the rest of the pack.

As the other racers struggled for position, Augie and Yakky’s cars coincidentally wound up neck and neck, so close the two were able to call out to each other.

“Hi Yakky! How’s the wheel working for you?” Augie shouted.

“Just fine!” Yakky said, though the way her fingers were digging into her seat suggested that she had other concerns at the moment. “Though I’m starting to have second thoughts about this game in general…”

“Don’t worry, just try to have fun! I promise this game is totally safe!”

It was at that exact moment that the wheel Augie had given to Yakky suddenly had its tire burst. Wally tried desperately to keep the kart under control, but ended up spinning out. Fortunately, he was at least able to bring the kart to a stop. Unfortunately, he did so right in the path of Spooky’s garbage truck, which was going way too fast to avoid them. Screams filled the air before abruptly being replaced with the sound of grinding, twisting metal as the kart and its occupants were dragged under the 40,000 pound truck. It was by far the most gruesome automotive accident that Jellystone had ever seen.

###Yakky (in a few bandages and an arm sling)###
 “Thank goodness this is a cartoon!”

###Augie###
“I swear, I didn’t know the wheel was gonna do that!” she said, crying. “I would never have gotten my friend squished on purpose, not in a million years!” She takes a few deep breaths, calming herself down. “It’s okay, I’m sure she understands that it was an accident. I jut need to make it up to her even harder next time!”

Back in the race, Spooky and her team immediately abandoned all thoughts of the race and got out of the truck to render aid to the people they’d just run over. A noble act, but it put first place far out of reach.

Meanwhile, Yogi and Top Cat’s teams increased their lead over the rest of the pack.

“Dangit! Can’t this thing go any faster?” Ruff asked.

“I’m flooring it, but there’s not much I can do,” El Kabong said apologetically.

Reddy growled. “If someone had told us we could use better technology than the karts, we would have done it too!”

“Wait… oh duh! We are better technology!” Ruff said. Carefully, he stood up out of his seat and couple of panels opened up on his backside, revealing a set of rocket thrusters. Reddy smiled and did the same, and each one took hold of a side of their kart. 

“Hang on, Mr. Kabong! Next stop, first place!” Reddy shouted.

Before El Kabong could accept or reject their plan, the kart lifted off the ground and shot forward at over a hundred miles per hour. They were going so fast that they almost didn’t notice when they were about to crash into Top Cat’s tow truck. At the last minute though, Ruff managed to swerve to the left… while Reddy swerved to the right. Each one ended up ripping off a chunk of metal from the kart while the bulk of it, along with El Kabong, was sent careening straight forward. He slammed into Top Cat’s original kart, knocking it off of the tow hook. Top Cat and his team felt a slight jolt, but ultimately were able to stay in control.

As the tow truck sped away, El Kabong was left crushed and broken between the wreckage of the two karts.

“Oh my gosh! Mr. Kabong, are you okay?” Reddy said as he hurried to his teacher’s side.

“We’re so sorry!” said Ruff.

“It’s okay, children…” El Kabong wheezed out. “But thank goodness this is a cartoon…”

As he said this, some gas started dribbling out of the cracked tank of one of the karts and some sparks flew from the exposed wiring of the other. As soon as they came in contact with each other, the karts exploded and the superhero and robots were consumed in a massive mushroom cloud. 

You know, because this is a cartoon.

Doggie Daddy and Loopy were just barely able to swerve out of the way of the blast. As they did, Loopy ended up going off the track… and safely onto an actual road, where she steered toward the drive-thru of a nearby Burger Trench. 

“What are you doing!? Get back on the track or we’re going to lose!” Bobbie Looey yelled at her.

“I was going at zis kart’s top speed: zere’s no way we’re catching Top Cat in an actual car,” Loopy explained casually. “Meanwhile, zere ‘ave been two cataclysmic accidents. So if I must lose, I will do so wizout being crushed or blown up, and only after trying zat new shake I keep seeing ads for. Do you guys want anyzing?”

“Imma get the shake too,” said Jabberjaw.

Bobbie’s indignation smoldered down to begrudging acceptance. “Just a small order of fries…”

Back in the race, Top Cat’s tow truck was visibly benefiting from losing the drag of his original kart. However, Yogi’s kart had slightly better maneuverability, and was able to make up the difference on the track’s curves and turns. As they approached the finish line it seemed like it could go either way… until suddenly, with a loud bang and a plume of black smoke, something went wrong with Yogi’s engine. Immediately, his kart began to slow down. 

By that time, Snagglepuss and a heavily bandaged Mildew had made it to the finish line. Mildew waved a checkered flag as Top Cat soared past the finish line and Yogi’s kart weakly coasted into second.

“Oh my gosh, we won!” Benny shouted as he, Top Cat, and Fancy Fancy got out of the truck. Each one of them broke into a victory dance.

“Actually,” said Snagglepuss, “I’m afraid your team is disqualified.”

“What!?” Top Cat burst out.

“Well, it’s a go-kart race,” said Mildew. “And while it was fair game to attach your kart to a tow truck, you still needed to actually have it with you when you crossed the finish line. It fell off when El Kabong crashed into you.”

Snagglepuss gestured grandiosely to the bears. “So the real winners are Yogi, Cindy, and Boo Boo!”

“Oh yeah! Go team bears!” Yogi cheered as all three of them began their own victory dances.

“Great,” Fancy Fancy groaned, “and on top of everything else there’s another group that dances better than us.”

At about that time, Doggie Daddy’s kart crossed the finish line at a very distant third. “Well, we lost,” Shag conceded as the trio got out of their kart. “But at least we didn’t crash!” He was then crushed under another meteor. Augie and Doggie Daddy immediately started trying to roll it off him.

“So what do we win?” Boo Boo asked, having not noticed.

“The three of you…” Mildew said slowly, milking the reveal, “will each get to be the captains of your own team!”

“The main function of the captains is getting to draft the rest of their teams,” said Snagglepuss. “Each of you will be allowed to take one player from each of the kart teams. Beyond that, being captain has no official power, but maybe you can leverage it into an unenforceable leadership role.”

This conversation distracted Augie from her Shag-rescuing. “Wait a second! But that would split up me and Daddy! You guys said that the people we raced with would help determine the final teams!”

“It is important,” said Snagglepuss. “It decides which people won’t end up together.”

 Mildew nodded. “Since Total Drama’s first season, forming alliances has been one of the most powerful strategies,” he explained. “And since everyone here knows each other and most of you have close friends in the competition, we knew that there were going to be some tight alliances from the get-go. So to counter that, we let everyone form groups just to break them up immediately afterward… sorry about that.”

“I’m not. I thought it was funny,” said Snagglepus. “But before anything else, we need to go scrape what’s left of the other competitors off the track.” 

Mildew winced. “Yeah, that race was a bit gnarlier than I was expecting… but while we do that, you captains should consider who you want on your teams.”

Snagglepuss nodded. “Little tip: you’ll be sharing rooms with them at the hotel, so try to avoid anyone who looks like they snore.” 

***

The Dalton Hotel wasn’t the most luxurious place in the world. The lobby was overdue for a good cleaning if not an outright remodel, multiple rooms were permanently out of service, and rumor had it that the family that owned it originally made their fortune through train robberies. That said, anyone familiar with the Total Drama series would know that it was pretty decent compared to the accommodations contestants normally got.

Snagglepuss and Mildew gathered everyone into the hotel’s convention room, where Taft was waiting for them.

“Welcome to your new home for the next few weeks!” said Snagglepuss. “… or however long you end up lasting. For winning the go-kart race, Yogi, Boo Boo, and Cindy won the right to pick their teammates. As a reminder, you can only pick one person from each of the kart teams. For example, if Yogi picks Top Cat, he can’t pick Benny or Fancy Fancy later.”

Taft floated to Yogi, Boo Boo, and Cindy. “I shall help decide which of you will pick first.” He then tilted himself until he was completely horizontal, then one of his points lit up. “The three of you stand around me, then one of you give me a spin!”

The bears looked slightly confused, but they did so. Yogi then took hold of one of Taft’s points and spun him, Wheel of Fortune style.

“Wheeeeeeeeeeee!” Taft squealed. Eventually he began to slow down, his glowing point pointing toward Boo Boo. “Boo Boo, you shall pick first. From there it will go clockwise to Cindy, then Yogi. Make your choices.”

Boo Boo nodded and looked over the other contestants. He didn’t need to think about it too long however. “I have to start with the superhero. El Kabong.” The masked hero smiled at being picked first and walked over to stand beside Boo Boo.

###Cindy### 
“Boo Boo taking El Kabong was exactly what I wanted, since it guarantees that I’ll get Ruff or Reddy no matter what. If I can upgrade one of them like I did with the go kart, I’ll have an unstoppable robot ally to take me all the way to the finals!”

Since she could wait as long as she wanted to get Ruff or Reddy, Cindy instead opted for a contender that was more conventionally athletic. “Jabberjaw.”

Yogi looked a little jealous of that pick, but brushed it off. “I’ll take Loopy then.”

At this point Mildew spoke up. “Since Bobbie Looey is the only contestant left from that team, she has to go to Boo Boo. He still gets to make his own choice though.”

Boo Boo nodded. “Well, now that I made the strategic pick, I need to get my guy Benny over here!”

Benny beamed and ran up, giving Boo Boo a high five. Bobbie Looey followed as well.

From there, Cindy went for Spooky.

Yogi took Top Cat, meaning Fancy Fancy had to automatically go to Cindy.

Boo Boo thought it over for a minute before picking Shag.

###Boo Boo### 
“At that point it hit me that Doggie Daddy and Augie are going to have to be on different teams. Those two are really sweet, but I was worried that they’d end up holding back against each other. I had to steer clear of that.”

Cindy had to think it over for a moment before making her choice. “I binged the older Total Drama seasons before this, and I’m not going to underestimate the closest thing to a Jellystonian version of Harold. Peter, you’re in.”

Peter ran over gleefully. “Wow! I’ve never been picked sooner than last for something before!”

Yogi looked between his remaining options and decided on Wally. This sent Yakky to Boo Boo’s team.

Boo Boo’s eyes widened as he took his final turn. “I almost forgot to grab someone for intellectual challenges! Brain, get over here!”

Brain approached. “Thanks, but that’s not why they call me Brain.”

“Oh… So why do they call you that?”

“Because it’s my name, maybe?”

###Brain###
“I have a brother named Kidney and a sister named Pancreas. We asked our mom and dad why they went with an organ theme, and apparently it wasn’t intentional.”

With that, Boo Boo’s team was complete. It also meant that Choo Choo was left to go with Yogi.

Augie and Doggie Daddy, meanwhile, were standing next to each other, holding hands. “So… there’s not many more people to choose from…” Augie noted.

“Yeah… if we’re not picked next, it’ll be right after…” Doggie Daddy said.

Augie squeezed his hand tightly. “We can do this… we can compete against each other, no problem!”

“Yeah… I mean… Sure, last time we played against each other I ended up hurting your feelings really badly, but that was just because of the whole Dave thing. There’s no way that we’re gonna have another soul crushingly traumatic experience just from a little competition, right?”

Unaware of their conversation, Cindy made her choice. “There’s a lot of possible challenges where it would be handy to have someone small and lightweight, and my team is missing that. I choose Augie.”

Augie swallowed and walked over to Cindy, pulling Doggie Daddy along. Both father and daughter had a blank thousand yard stare.

Mildew came and grabbed Doggie Daddy by the shoulder. “Come on, Doggie Daddy. You need to go on Yogi’s team.” He tried pulling him away, but they wouldn’t let go. Finally, Snagglepuss had to come and pry their fingers apart. The second Augie and Doggie Daddy broke contact, they each went limp as if cut off from a power source.

“Eh, they’ll be fine,” Snagglepuss said, leaving Augie ragdolled on the floor while Mildew was left to drag Doggie Daddy over to Yogi’s group. 

Trying not to think too much about the unconscious man that Mildew just set beside him, Yogi was left with the final decision. “I’m gonna go with… Ruff!”

With that, Ruff joined his team while Reddy went to Cindy.

###Yogi### 
“It’s not a big enough deal for me to change my decision, but I thought Ruff was the dog. I mean, ‘ruff’ is one of those dog sounds you know? Plus the cat’s literally red!”

###Ruff and Reddy###
Ruff threw his hands up in frustration. “I can’t believe they saved us for last! Just because we’re both robots doesn’t mean we’re interchangeable!”

An unsure look crossed Reddy’s face. “Well, in fairness…” He grabbed Ruff’s right arm and popped it out of its socket, then did the same to his own and switched them. He gave a mismatched but functional shrug. 

Ruff rolled his eyes but couldn’t think of a retort.

“And that’s all three teams sorted!” said Mildew.

“All they need now are names,” said Taft. He floated over to Yogi’s team. “Henceforth, your team will be known as the Yogi Yahooeys!”

“Alright! Best name for the best team!” Yogi said, holding his hand out to his team for a high five. Loopy pretended she didn’t notice and Doggie Daddy was still lying on the ground lifelessly, but Choo Choo decided not to leave Yogi hanging.

“As for Boo Boo’s team,” said Taft, “you guys are going to be the Scooby Doobies!”

“Oh, well, that’s cool, but how come Yogi’s is named after him?” asked Boo Boo.

“Well, it wasn’t actually named after him. I’m recycling the teams from the original Laff-A-Lympics,” explained Taft. “The fact that it sounded like his name was pure coincidence. Also, using your name would really be walking a razor’s edge.” He got in close and whispered. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but your name sounds a whole lot like ‘boob.’”

“Yeah… yeah I have noticed,” Boo Boo said, with a note of resignation in his voice.

 “And that brings us to the last group!” Taft said as he floated over to Cindy’s team. “Your team is called the Really Rottens!”

“Wait, WHAT!?” Cindy blurted.

“Oh, I guess mine wasn’t actually that bad,” Boo Boo noted.

“So there ya have it, folks!” said Snagglepuss, addressing the camera. “With one challenge down, the teams are all set up. But unfortunately for one of them, our next challenge will start the arduous process of breaking them down! Are the contestants’ friendships strong enough to endure competing against each other? Will Cindy be able to cope with having the objectively worst team name? And was that milkshake that Loopy threw the race for any good? Find out next time on Total! Drama! Laff-A-Lympics!”

Chapter Text

The light of the sun slipped between the blinds of a hotel room. Inside were the male members of the Yogi Yahooeys. After the teams had been sorted, the first struggle hadn’t been one of the show’s challenges, but rather the cramped living space. Ruff and the other kids each got their own smaller bed, but most of the others had to double up.

As soon as he sensed that a sunbeam had entered the room, Top Cat sprung off his bed and basked in its warmth.

“You’re awfully chipper this morning,” Yogi commented as he sat up.

“Chipper nothing,” Top Cat grumbled. “I had to spend all night sharing a bed—and all of my warmth—with Wally’s frigid self.”

“Well excuse me for being an ectotherm,” Wally said.

“Sorry to hear that, Top Cat. I slept great!” said Yogi. “I had a wonderful dream that I was eating a giant hushpuppy… wait a second, where did Doggie Daddy go?”

There was an awkward silence before Yogi felt something peel off his back. Doggie Daddy gasped for air before shouting “You rolled over on me! I was stuck under there all night! Also you ate my pillow!”

“Guys, calm down,” said Ruff. “The first elimination challenge is today and all this tension first thing in the morning doesn’t inspire a lot of confidence.”

“Ruff’s right,” said Yogi, standing up. “This show isn’t going to be easy, and we’ll need to work together if we want to win today. Sure, all of us had other teammates in mind when we started, but we ended up with each other and by golly that’ll be good enough to win!” As the others listened, Yogi’s energy proved to be contagious. “We may come from different species, different walks of life, and in the girls’ case a completely different room where they can’t hear any of this speech, but when you put us together we form the Yogi Yahooeys! We may step on each others’ toes now, but deep inside we have what it takes to be the best team Total Drama has ever seen!”

“Yeah!” the others all cheered in agreement.

“And when we go out there today, the other teams aren’t even gonna know what hit em’!”

“Yeah!”

“And the only thing we’re missing right now is full bellies! Let’s go get some pancakes!” Yogi ran out the door and down into the lobby, his teammates following behind ready for action.

###Top Cat###
“I tell ya, Yogi is one of the few people outside my gang who I can truly respect. I’m gonna feel really bad when I eventually have to crush him."

After everyone was done eating, the contestants were instructed to file onto a bus which brought them to Jellystone’s baseball stadium. There, Snagglepuss led them onto the field, where they could see other townspeople from Jellystone filling the stands. However, something was different about the field itself: three unusually tall football goalposts were being set up, one at home plate and another two in the outfields.

“You know, I’m not much of a sports guy,” said Fancy Fancy, “but I don’t think those are for baseball."

“That’s because you’re not playing baseball,” said Snagglepuss. He led the players to one of the dugouts, where there were three crates and a small trunk. “For your first challenge, you’ll be playing a game of my own invention: zippyball.” He cracked open one of the crates and pulled out one of those hats with a little propeller on top. “We had Winsome Witch enchant these last night. Just put one on and you’ll be able to fly like a hummingbird. She also worked her literal magic on these balls.” He opened the trunk, revealing four balls: one red one, two slightly smaller gray ones, and one little yellow sparkly one. “This red ball is called the scoreball, and it’s been enchanted to fall slightly slower than it would naturally. Three players on each team will be the scorers, who can throw the scoreball through and opponent’s goalpost to earn ten points. Each team also has a goalie whose job is to block their shots. The two gray ones are called thwackerballs. They can fly on their own, and will always be streaking toward the nearest player to try and knock them out of the sky. Fortunately, each team has two players called bouncers who can use bats to hit the thwackerballs away from their team and toward opponents. Last one is the titular zippyball, which-”

“Hey, wait a minute!” said Wally. “You didn’t make this game, it’s just Quidditch with funny hats!”

Snagglepuss looked slightly agitated, but continued. “Well, if you hadn’t interrupted me, you would have seen that it’s actually very different! So please hold all of your questions and comments until I’m done.”

Wally clammed up, and Snagglepuss continued.

“See, cricket has baseball, and rubgy has football. Now, I believe the world is primed for Quidditch to receive its own superior American version! Ever since I was a little boy reading Harry Potter for the first time, I loved the idea of Quidditch, but was frustrated by its broken scoring system. The Snitch is so powerful that it makes the rest of the team pointless, even! So I fixed it. In Quidditch the seeker catches the snitch to score a hundred and fifty points and end the game. Here, the catcher catches the zippyball to score seventy points, and the zippyball is released again after one minute so the game can continue. Each team can only benefit from catching the zippyball once, after which that team’s catcher becomes another scorer. Also, because the catcher is still very important and them being taken out of the game would cripple a team, they get a bit of extra protection: bouncers are not allowed to hit thwackerballs at catchers. If they do, all of the scorers on the catcher’s team are allowed to act as catchers for one minute, virtually guaranteeing that their team will end up catching the zippyball. Whichever team reaches one hundred and fifty points first is the winner.”

“As for the other two teams,” said Mildew, “whoever has the second highest score at the end of the game will still be safe. On the other hand, the team in last place will end up having the dubious honor of voting off the first player of the season.”

The players’ gazes shifted to their compatriots, contemplating who they were willing to vote off… and who among their own team they had to be wary of. 

After letting them stew in their paranoia for a moment, Snagglepuss asked “Alright, now are there any questions?”

Wally raised his hand. “Yeah, um… You said you read Harry Potter when you were a kid. How is that possible when the first book came out in nineteen-ninety-seven?”

A dark look crossed Snagglepuss’ face.

###Shag###
“Wally, no… just no…”

###Choo Choo###
“I swear the temperature on that field dropped five degrees in one second.”

###Jabberjaw###’
“BWAHAHAHAHAHA!” She almost fell over, leaning on the wall as she laughed uncontrollably. “HAHAHA! Snag, if you’re watching this, I swear I’m laughing at Wally! Hahahaha! Man, that boy really stepped in it! Everyone knows you’re only like, what? 32? Tops? And you look even younger; I bet you still get carded all the time!”

Snagglepuss took a deep breath. “Wally, let me answer that question with another question… and a villainous monologue. Have you ever seen Total Drama before? Because if you haven’t, you should know that the host has a lot of power over not only the game, but the contestants’ quality of life. As an example, let’s say—hypothetically—that when Winnie was charming these propeller hats, we found that one of them was defective. If its wearer wanted to turn or brake, sometimes the hat just would just ignore any input and keep barreling forward. I, as host, would have an important decision to make in regards to that hat. I could have Winnie redo the spell to make it the same as the others. I could also just leave it in as a funny little surprise for the player and team unfortunate enough to find it. And as a third option, rather than letting luck decide who got the bad hat, I could assign the crate it was in to a team that did something to get on my nerves… Hypothetically of course! So anyway, Scooby Doobies, you take this crate of hats on the left, Really Rottens take the one in the middle, and Yogi Yahooeys… you guys take that one on the right. Once you’ve got your hats on, you can choose between yourselves which player is going to take which position. Each crate also has a zippyball rulebook which goes over some minor rules and fowls in addition to what I said before. Suit up and read up, you’ve got fifteen minutes.”

The teams all did as they were told, though several of the Yahooeys were shooting glares at Wally the whole time.

Eventually the groups organized themselves with the following lineups:

Yogi Yahooeys
Catcher: Choo Choo
Scorers: Top Cat, Ruff, and Loopy
Bouncers: Yogi and Wally
Goalie: Doggie Daddy.

###Doggie Daddy###
“I’ll just pretend that the goal is Augie and nobody will be able to get past me. That’s the power of a father’s love!”

Scooby Doobies
Catcher: Shag
Scorers: Brain, Benny, and Yakky
Bouncers: El Kabong and Boo Boo
Goalie: Bobbie Looey

###Boo Boo###
“It was only when we were trying to pick a second bouncer that I realized our team only has one person over four feet tall. Woo boy, I hope that doesn’t come back to bite us…”

Really Rottens
Catcher: Augie
Scorers: Cindy, Reddy, and Fancy Fancy
Bouncers: Peter and Spooky
Goalie: Jabberjaw

###Cindy###
“In this version of the game, the catcher isn’t enough to win, so it’s the scorers who are the most important players. Fortunately, I’ve already given Reddy a few upgrades last night. That should easily put him a cut above everyone else.”

Soon, everyone was ready and took their positions on the field. Mildew stood in the center and started the game, blowing a whistle and throwing the scoreball into the air.

Immediately, Ruff, Reddy, and Benny rushed for the scoreball. Ruff and Reddy of course used their rockets to easily reach it before Benny, but what wasn’t so expected was Reddy beating Ruff to it by a comfortable margin. With the scoreball in hand, Reddy streaked toward the Scooby Doobies’ goalpost and chucked it in, easily making it past Bobbie Looey.

“And Reddy starts us off with the first score of the game! Ten points for the Really Rottens!” announced Snagglepuss, who was observing the game from the dugout with a megaphone. The crowd erupted in cheers.

As soon as the scoreball started to fall behind the post, Top Cat flew up and caught it. He tried to come around and score again immediately, but Bobbie was able to catch this one and pass it to Brain. She took it toward the Yahooeys’ goalpost, followed by Benny and Yakky. Doggie Daddy locked eyes with her, as if daring her to take the shot. She appeared to, at first, but then she passed it to Benny instead. It seemed like Benny had a clear shot, but as soon as the ball left his hands, Doggie Daddy moved to intercept it faster than anyone could have thought possible and caught it. He then chucked it away as hard as he could, shouting “YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER, YOU SPHERICAL MENACE!”

Meanwhile, Choo Choo, Shag, and Augie were trying to steer clear of the chaos amongst the scorers and focus on finding the zippyball. Given its small size and the amount of space they had to cover, they’d expected a challenge, but it was much worse than they expected. For several minutes they couldn’t do much more than circle the stadium, listening to Snagglepuss and Mildew announcing whenever someone scored a goal.

At some point, Choo Choo happened to glance in Shag’s direction and noticed that he was hovering near home plate, drifting toward the area between second and third base. She looked there, and the first thing she noticed was Augie, who was scanning left field for the zippyball, unaware she was being watched. Then, Choo Choo noticed a yellow glimmer: the zippyball was floating about just five or so yards behind Augie’s back.

That explained Shag’s slowness. He was trying to get closer without alerting Augie, who could easily grab it if she knew it was there. Now Choo Choo, who was between the pitcher’s mound and first base, had to beat both of them to it.

She flew as fast as she could toward center field and shouted “there it is!” Augie, naturally, looked toward Choo Choo and started to fly towards her, not realizing she was leaving the actual zippyball behind. Shag paused for a moment in surprise too, but snapped out of it quickly and sped toward where he knew the real zippyball was. For the final part of her plan, Choo Choo abruptly changed direction and went for the zippyball as well, streaking right past the confused Augie.

“Shag and Choo Choo are after the zippyball! It’s gonna be close!” yelled Mildew.

It had been a risky play on Choo Choo’s part. Had the zippyball been a stationary target, Shag would definitely have caught it, but instead the zippyball swerved to dodge him, allowing Choo Choo to get within reach too. From there, her feline agility and longer arms were enough to give her the edge.

“WOW! I’m not even sure which one of them got it!” Snagglepuss said. “It looks like… yes! Choo Choo did it! The Yogi Yahooeys have caught the zippyball! That puts them in the lead with 90 points!”

“That was a clever trick,” said Mildew. “Poor Augie didn’t know how close she was!”

“Shoot!” Augie grumbled, piecing together what happened. “Oh well, I’ll get the next one.” However, a more pressing issue struck when she heard a whoosh and a grunt of pain behind her. 

She turned to see Fancy Fancy falling through the air, reeling from a hit by a thwackerball. He caught himself before hitting the ground, but the ball was ready for its next target and it started flying toward Augie. She yelped and fled, but she could hear it behind her. 

“It’s catching up… I gotta scrape this off on someone…” she said to herself as she scanned the arena. It was then that she noticed Boo Boo, one of the other team’s bouncers. If it went near him, he’d either knock it away or get hit himself. Either one would work to get the thwackerball off of Augie’s tail.

She rushed toward him, trying to be careful not to crash.

Boo Boo saw her coming and instinctively dove out of the way, causing both Augie and the thwackerball to pass him.

However, hidden right behind Boo Boo was Yakky. Augie screamed and swerved to avoid hitting her, but a moment later there was a burst of feathers as Yakky took the thwackerball right to the chest and plummeted out of the sky.

###Augie###
“No! Not Yakky! She’s the one person I didn’t want to do that too! Well, her and Daddy. And Shag. And El Kabong. And Bobbie Looey. Come to think of it Boo Boo didn’t really deserve it either.”

###Yakky (featherless)###
“I can’t believe Augie got me hurt! Again! It’s gotta be an accident though, right? Doing that on purpose would be so out of character! It’s probably just that this game is really dangerous, right?”

Meanwhile, Loopy managed to get a hold of the Scoreball and went for the Really Rotten’s goalpost. 

Jabberjaw saw her coming and tried to intervene, but Loopy feinted and managed to confuse her… or at least, she intended to do that. As the result of some possibly foreshadowed defect, Loopy’s hat wouldn’t respond properly to her attempt to change direction. Instead she rammed straight into the upright bar of the goal post. Unfortunately, she was too stunned to grab on to anything and her hat flew off in the crash. The only thing she was able to do was scream “SCREW YOU, WALLY GATOOOOOR!” as she dropped to the ground below.

“Oof! That looked like it hurt!” said Snagglepuss. “She’s probably gonna have to sit the rest of this game out. But on the plus side, I think I saw the scoreball go in when she hit! That’s 100 points so far for the Yogi Yahooeys!”

“You know, Snagglepuss,” said Mildew as he watched some of the Daltons cart Loopy and Yakky off on stretchers, “I noticed that you fixed the scoring system but didn’t touch the part where people risk falling from over fifty feet in the air.”

“You don’t fix the parts that work perfectly,” Snagglepuss explained.

Meanwhile, Ruff was able to grab the scoreball as it fell. He looped back around for another shot at the Rottens’ goalpost, but on the way Spooky was able to tag him in the arm with a thwackerball. As a robot, he handled the hit better than some would have, but he still lost his grip on the ball and accidentally tossed it to the side. He went after it and managed to grab it at the exact same time that Reddy did. Thinking back to the incident with the go karts, neither was eager to pull away, but they weren’t willing to let go either.

“It’s mine!” Reddy shouted.

“No way, I had it first!” Ruff said. 

“Well in that case…” Reddy said, grabbing Ruff’s wrist. “I suppose I can think of a compromise.” Reddy’s rocket thrusters boosted in intensity, and he began steering Ruff toward the Yogi Yahooeys’ goalpost. 

In previous bouts of sibling rivalry, neither Ruff nor Reddy had ever come out on top, at least not by a decisive degree. This time though, Ruff just couldn’t overpower his brother. Reddy swung Ruff around and threw him—still gripping the ball—through the goalpost. Seeing an entire metal child flying towards him, Doggie Daddy had no choice but to avoid it, allowing the first goal against him that game.

“Another unorthodox goal, but I’ll allow it!” said Snagglepuss. “That puts the Really Rottens at 80!”

###Ruff###
“Reddy actually beat me? By that much? But… that’s impossible!” His voice cracked and he started to leak coolant out of his eyes. “We’re supposed to be interchangeable…”

Even with all that excitement happening, Augie remained focused on finding the zippyball. Eventually, her luck paid off as she noticed its unmistakable glimmer flitting around in her peripheral vision. She shot toward it, arm outstretched. It darted away, but she kept up her pursuit. It would only be a matter of seconds before she would catch it…

As Augie saw the ball, however, somebody else saw her. 

Wally Gator had been keeping careful track of the score whenever Snagglepuss called it out. At that moment, the Yogi Yahooeys were in the lead with 120 points, just over the Really Rottens with 100 and the meager 80 of the Scooby Doobies. He’d been doing a decent job as a bouncer until now, but given that he was in the only role that couldn’t directly affect the score, he was feeling rather helpless.

That’s when he noticed Augie: if she caught the zippyball, then the Rottens would win the game. At the same time, he heard the whoosh of a thwackerball heading toward him. He only had a split second to think, and his first instinct was to have the two problems solve each other. With one hard smack, he sent the ball toward Augie.

BAM!

It hit dead center in her back, and she began spiraling out of the air.

“Oof! Direct hit!” announced Snagglepuss. “That stopped her, but that’s still a foul! That means every one of the Rottens is allowed to go after the zippyball!”

Just before Augie hit the ground, Doggie Daddy rocketed down and caught her. “Augie! Oh my sweet baby girl! Speak to me!”

“Ugh… what happened?” she asked. 

“A certain prospective handbag just hit you with one of them thwackerballs. Are you okay?”

“Yeah… It wasn’t that bad,” she said, though she seemed winded. “I just need a second…” She hovered out of his arms, taking a few deep breaths.

“Oh thank goodness! In that case, I’ll be right back, I need to take care of something. Just do me a favor and avert your eyes for a little bit.” As soon as she nodded and looked away, he flew up to Wally and gave him a glare that could melt steel. 

“Uh… shouldn’t you be guarding the goalpost?” Wally asked nervously.

Without saying a word, Doggie Daddy grabbed the bat out of Wally’s hands.

What happened next was not appropriate for television. 

Neither were the next twenty-seven things that happened after that. 

It was all aired anyway.

Mildew gasped in horror. “Oh my gosh! I can’t even tell which bend is an elbow and which is a broken bone anymore! I’ve never seen a jaw move in that direction! This is not how I would have expected a fight between a dachshund and an alligator to go! Certainly this must be against the rules?”

Snagglepuss thumbed through his rulebook. “Well, it is illegal for the bouncers to use their bats on other players… but I forgot to make it apply to anyone else that steals one. I’ll allow it.”

Meanwhile, in spite of the excitement, the game continued. After the foul, the Really Rotten scorers all immediately set out to search for the zippyball. Meanwhile, the Scooby Doobies sprang into action, realizing they had a golden opportunity to score a few points while Doggie Daddy was distracted. Benny got his hands on the scoreball and he and brain immediately flew toward the empty Yahooey goalpost. Once they reached it, Benny stayed in front of the goal and Brain got behind it so they were able to just toss the ball back and forth, easily scoring over and over and over. Naturally the remaining Yahooeys tried to intervene, but El Kabong and Boo Boo kept them at bay with some well placed thwackerballs. Their lone defender Yogi was completely unable to keep up.

Before long, Reddy was holding the zippyball triumphantly overhead.

“And that’s the game!” called Snagglepuss over the loudspeaker. “Reddy has put the Really Rottens over the edge with 170 points! Everyone land and report to the dugout for the final score! … That means you, Doggie Daddy. I think Wally’s had enough.”

Fortunately for Wally, Doggie Daddy agreed and the two of them floated down to the ground… Well, Wally kept hovering slightly because he wasn’t confident in his ability to stand on broken legs. But you get the gist. 

“Contestants, I have to thank you all for giving the world such a great introduction to zippyball,” said Snagglepuss once everyone was assembled. “It was intense, thrilling, and just the right amount of disgraceful! Anyway, as I said, the Really Rottens won with 170 points. The Yogi Yahooeys have 120 points for second place… is what I would be saying if the Scooby Doobies hadn’t scored 50 points in the last few seconds for a final total of 130! That means they’re safe even! But as for the Yogi Yahooeys, you’re gonna be sending somebody home.”

***

While the Scooby Doobies returned to their rooms and the Really Rottens went out to enjoy the fruits of their victory, the Yahooeys wound up settling in the lobby and having a naturally heated discussion. 

“Well, so much for teamwork,” said Yogi. “I spent three whole seconds planning out that speech this morning, and it was all for nothin’!”

“Maybe the speech would have been enough if somebody hadn’t left the goal!” Choo Choo said, glaring at Doggie Daddy.

“But the game would have ended with us in second if Wally didn’t take out Augie,” said Top Cat. “Sure, we might not have won, but as long as we avoid elimination that’s totally fine! Besides, Wally attacked the man’s daughter! How could he take that sitting down?” He placed his hands on Doggie Daddy’s shoulders. Doggie Daddy for his part dusted off the old puppy eyes trick, hoping it would still work at his age.

“But that’s exactly it,” said Choo Choo. “He’s got a weak spot for Augie. What’s next? Even if none of us are gonna hurt Augie again, he might go easy on her next time!”

“Well it’s not like Wally’s exactly a top tier contender either,” said Top Cat, “as I’m sure Loopy knows very well…”

Wally winced as Loopy glared at him, still sore from her crash.

###Wally###
“If I get through this elimination, I swear I’m never gonna smash a child with a magic sports-cannonball ever again!”

###Doggie Daddy###
“Augie, if I don’t make it out of this…” he teared up. “I want you to know I love you and I’m so proud of you! And I’ll be watching over you always!”

There was a knock at the door and Snagglepuss could be heard saying “You’d just be kicked off the show, it won’t kill you!”

“I’d have to be away from my daughter for weeks, maybe it will!”

Eventually, the Yahooeys were called into the same auditorium where the teams had been divided. Snagglepuss stood onstage behind a podium, and Mildew was at his side holding a box. The players were simply left to stand in the middle of the room, awaiting their fate.

Snagglepuss quietly cleared his throat and started speaking. “One of the great tragedies of the Olympics is the sour reputation of the bronze medal. To come in third is an amazing feat, but many people tend to view the ranks of the medals in isolation, forgetting that most contestants don’t even place. Here at the Total Drama Laff-A-Lympics, we aim to demonstrate just how grateful the recipient of any medal should be. When I call your name, come up here and Mildew will award you with a bronze medal, signifying that you’ve performed well enough secure your place in the competition for another day.”

“They’re not actual bronze,” clarified Mildew. “Just bronze colored chocolate, so don’t put it in your pocket or anything.”

“Anyway, without further ado, I will now announce the players who are safe:”

“Choo Choo.”

“Ruff.”

“Yogi.”

“Loopy.”

“And Top Cat.”

Doggie Daddy and Wally both knew that it was going to come to this, but that didn’t make it any less suspenseful.

“There is only one medal left,” said Snagglepuss. “Like most great disasters, your team’s loss wasn’t the result of one mistake, but multiple people screwing up in tandem. Wally Gator, you were so afraid of coming in second that you committed a foul that led to you losing what you already had. Not to mention your inability to gauge hot young mountain lions' ages got your team in hot water before the game even started. On the other hand, there’s Doggie Daddy. Your paternal instincts served you well on defense, but you abandoned your post to attack your own teammate. Don’t get me wrong, that was some great TV, but it amplified Wally’s bad call into a death spiral. It also proved to everyone that you’re vulnerable to being distracted when Augie is involved. You both failed your team, but one of you will be given another shot, and that lucky player is…

…

…

…

…

“Doggie Daddy.”

“Oh thank goodness!” Doggie Daddy said, going to join the rest of the team.

Wally frowned, looking at his feet. “Ouch… first elimination… So what now?”

“Well, Wally,” said Snagglepuss. “In previous seasons the losing players have been shot out of a cannon, flushed down a giant toilet, and shoved out of a plane even. But this season, you’re simply going to exit…” he pulled out a remote with a single button on it. “Stage down.”

When Snagglepuss pressed the button, a trap door opened beneath Wally’s feet and he plummeted screaming into a dark void below. The fall was surprisingly long, finally ending with an audible thump.

“Jeez, how deep was that hole?” asked Yogi.

“Just hope you don’t find out out next time,” said Snagglepuss as he turned to face one of the cameras, “On Total! Drama! Laff-A-Lympics!”

…

###Top Cat and Choo Choo###
Top Cat chuckled slyly. “Well, it would have been better to win, but I’d say that went well enough.”

Choo Choo nodded and told the camera “Of course TC and I were in total agreement to get rid Wally, but by going after Doggie Daddy I planted the idea that he was a weak link too.”

“In a perfect world, we’d have a couple other members of the gang to vote with us and really keep us protected, but steering peoples’ attention onto a fall guy works too.”

“And if the rest of the gang survives until the merge, we could have as many as six coordinated votes for the endgame. We’ll be untouchable!”

“That wish is as good as mine!” As Top Cat declared. He then sensed Choo Choo glaring at him and added “And the gang’s too, obviously!”

Vote breakdown
Choo Choo: Wally Gator
Doggie Daddy: Wally Gator
Loopy de Loop: Wally Gator
Ruff: Doggie Daddy
Top Cat: Wally Gator
Wally Gator: Doggie Daddy
Yogi Bear: Doggie Daddy

Wally Gator has been eliminated.

20 contestants remain.

Chapter Text

El Kabong woke up before any of his roommates, just as the sun was beginning to rise. He quietly moved out onto the room’s balcony, enjoying the crisp chill and pristine silence of the morning…

Or at least that was his intention. The “pristine silence” was more like a “grungy commotion.”

Ruff and Reddy were down below in the empty parking lot playing a one on one street hockey game. Off to the side was a pile of equipment from dozens of other sports, including  soccer, tennis, and even some javelins. 

Reddy smacked the puck past Ruff into the small goal net they’d set up. “That’s game. Pay up already.”

“RARGH! Water Polo! Double or nothing again!” Ruff shouted, his arms transforming into a drill and an excavator shovel. “Help me dig a pool for it!”

“Kids, what are you doing?” Kabong called down. 

“Turning what started as a five dollar bet into a college fund,” said Reddy. 

“I’m proving that Cindy giving him a few tune ups doesn’t make him better than me!” said Ruff.

“He says with a record of zero to thirty-nine.”

“Have you two been up all night?” Kabong asked. 

“Yeah, but we don’t need nearly as much sleep as organic people,” said Ruff. “My battery’s still at sixty-four Percent.”

“Thanks to Cindy, mine’s at sixty-seven,” said Reddy.

Ruff turned his transformed arms toward his brother. “That’s it! Now you’re really going to get it!”

As Reddy casually turned his arm into a laser canon, Kabong interrupted them. “Children, stop! There’s literally a challenge scheduled for today, save it for that!”

The two robots still glared hotly at each other, but retracted their weapons.

###El Kabong###
“I get a lot of people asking me if I took up superhero work because being a teacher wasn’t paying enough. Actually, I was already a superhero, and the school superintendent begged me to take the job. See, when the student body includes two killer robots, it sort of changes what they look for in teachers. If you have enough experience saving lives and preventing citywide destruction, they’re willing to tolerate you only having a Bachelor’s degree and just putting on a movie two to three times a week.

Eventually, everyone woke up, and made their way down to the dining area… however, things weren’t set up like they usually were. The tables had been rearranged into a circle, and the chairs had been replaced with strange new ones that had wires along the sides and a red siren light on the back. In front of each chair was a breakfast burrito, a milk shake, and four small cups of hot sauce

“Hello everyone!” said Snagglepuss. “I hope you don’t mind, but we’ll be doing something a little different for breakfast this morning. Have a seat.” As the players took their places, he continued. “We’re going to play a game called Never Have I Ever. Normally it’s a drinking game, but since we have kids playing—and because it’ll be way funnier— we’ll be using increasingly spicy hot sauces instead. I call them ‘hot shots.’”

Mildew elaborated “The sauce on the left is made from jalapenos, generally considered the baseline of spiciness. The one next to that is habanero, which is as hot as most normal salsas will go. Beyond that is the ghost pepper, once considered the hottest in the world. However, pepper breeders have long since beaten the record, resulting in our fourth sauce, made from the Carolina Reaper. For reference, it’s hotter than some pepper sprays.”

“The way the game will work is that I’ll call on a player, and they will say ‘never have I ever’ followed by something they’ve never done. Everyone who has done it has to dip their burrito in one of their hot sauces and take a bite. If you need to take a shot but you have no sauces left, you’re out of the game.”

“Oh!” said Yogi, with nothing but a scrap of tortilla and a couple of crumbs left on his plate. “I think I might need another burrito.”

Snagglepuss sighed. “Ugh… We only made enough for one per person. If anyone gets through their burrito too fast they can just drink the sauce directly. As long as you get it in your mouth, that’s all we care about.”

“You might also notice that you all have milkshakes too, generously provided by Burger Trench,” added Mildew. “If you decide you can’t take the heat, you can drop out and drink that to cool off. You can also use it to get rid of any residual heat once you get disqualified.”

“Ooh, is this the same one that me and Loopy got in the first episode?” Jabberjaw asked. 

“That it is!” said Snagglepuss. “We got them free to help promote them! Additionally, since we have so many players and need more ways to thin the herd, there are three other ways to be disqualified. The first way to be disqualified is by throwing up. This is technically an eating challenge after all. Second, if it’s your turn to say something you’ve never done, you will be disqualified if it turns out that either nobody else or everybody else has done it, so don’t go too wild or too basic. That rule will remain in effect until we come down to two players. The last way is if you’re caught lying about whether you’ve done something or not.”

“But how would you even be able to tell that?” asked Fancy Fancy.

“That’s what the chairs are for,” said Mildew. “While the polygraph test is now known to be unreliable, scientists have recently discovered a lie detection method that they believe is one hundred percent effective. It turns out that all people have a universal tell: whenever someone lies, they will ever so slightly clench their right butt cheek. These chairs are specially designed to detect that, and will let off a siren if it catches any of you.”

“Oh, and one more thing,” said Snagglepuss. “In the Go-Kart race there was no elimination. In Zippyball we eliminated one person. I think it’s only fitting then for this challenge to be our first double elimination!”

Discomfort spread through the contestants. A chill ran up Benny’s spine. Augie audibly gulped.

Satisfied that the stakes were high enough, Snagglepuss continued. “That’s right, both of the losing teams will be sending home a player today! Now let’s start the game with last round’s victors, the Really Rottens! Jabberjaw, you go first.”

“Ooh, this is gonna be fun! Never have I ever… locked myself out of my car.”

Yogi, Boo Boo, and Peter Potamus all took their Jalapeno shots.

“Oops! Sorry Peter,” said Jabberjaw. “I didn’t realize we could get our own teammates!”

“Yup. It’s bound to happen given how many players there are,” said Mildew. 

Peter didn’t seem phased though. “Don’t worry about me, I love jalapenos.”

“Next up is the Scooby Doobies,” said Snagglepuss. “Benny, go for it!”

“Hm… Never have I ever… gone more than thirty hours straight without sleeping.”

That one hit Yogi, Boo Boo, and Peter again, plus Loopy, El Kabong, Cindy, and Jabberjaw.

###Cindy###
“Ugh, that one may as well have been made for Med students.”

“Nice one,” said Boo Boo.

“You doing alright? That was already your second one,” said Benny.

“Oh yeah. Yogi made me actually try a Carolina Reaper before. Nothing here’s new to me.”

“Next up is Loopy de Loop,” said Snagglepuss.

Loopy looked straight at Fancy Fancy and said “Never have I ever cheated in a relationship.”

Things went silent as a blushing Fancy Fancy dipped his burrito in the jalapeno sauce. Despite him trying to be subtle, the sheepish sound of his chewing was deafening.

###Fancy Fancy###
“Okay, I may have been a bit of a playboy back then, but I swear I’ve changed since joining up with TC!”

###Loopy###
“I’m over what Fancy did to me… but zat does not mean I’m going to pass up a chance to mess with him for it.”

“Not very effective, but props for bringing the drama to Total Drama,” said Snagglepuss. “Peter, your turn.”

“Alright,” said Peter. “Never have I ever started a business.”

Bobbie Looey gave him a competitive glare, knowing that one was aimed at her. She, Shag, Augie, Yakky, and Top Cat all took their first shots. Yakky cringed, clearly having to force herself through it despite it only being her first one.

The next one called was Brain, who said “Never have I ever been on a game show playing against the Scooby Doobies.”

“Nope! Nobody take a shot for that one!” interrupted Snagglepuss. “Except for Brain, you take one as a penalty, ya smart-aleck!”

After that was Yogi. “Okay, how about… Never have I ever gone sky diving.”

Cindy, Choo Choo, El Kabong, and Bobbie Looey all took one. Bobbie in particular was starting to sweat.

“Hm… looks like a couple of people are starting to crack!” said Snagglepuss. “And the worst anyone’s had is habanero! I hate to imagine what the ghost pepper will do to you… Reddy, you’ve managed to dodge the hot shots so far, but let’s see if you can put anyone else over the edge?

The robot dog thought for a moment. “Never have I ever… been hospitalized.”

Several people let out gasps as they realized that that one was really, really good in a town like Jellystone. Ruff and Reddy—being robots—were the only ones who didn’t have to take a shot.

Yogi, Boo Boo, Cindy, Peter, El Kabong, and Bobbie Looey had all crossed the threshold into a genuine challenge: the ghost pepper. Cindy and Peter took theirs and their faces went red. Peter stared longingly at the milkshake, but managed to hold himself back. Among the Scooby Doobies, Boo Boo fared the best, but was still clearly feeling the burn. El Kabong’s eyes started watering and he grit his teeth, trying to remind himself that as a crime fighter he’d felt worse pain. Bobbie Looey was the least prepared: “Oh my gosh! People eat this on purpose?!” she yelped as small wisps of flame started coming out of her mouth. Only her drive to win kept her from surrendering.

Yogi though? He leaned back in his chair and hummed with pleasure as he actively enjoyed it licking the sauce cup clean. “Hey Snag, you got any more of this stuff? It really hits the spot.” The worst that seemed to happen to him was a slight red tint in his cheeks.

Yakky’s turn was next. Still reeling from her habanero sauce, she needed a few seconds both to cool off and think. Finally she came out with “Never have I ever hijacked a vehicle?”

Top Cat, Choo Choo, and Shag all realized that they had to do the ghost pepper shot next. They all took hold of it with trepidation, but it was Top Cat that took the first bite.

Top Cat started coughing out sparks, and it took all he had not to throw up, “Oh my gosh, it’s horrible!”

“Is it really that bad, TC?” Choo Choo asked.

Top Cat nodded. “Yes… but stay strong, we can’t afford to lose again!”

Choo Choo closed her eyes and pretended it was an ice cream sundae. If anything, the dissonance between her imagination and her reality made it worse. She was barely able to swallow before belching embers.

Shag looked down at the hot sauce, sweating in anticipation.

“Shag, it’s okay if you want to back out,” said El Kabong. “The rest of us will be able to get by.”

The little bear took a deep breath. “No! I’m doing this! At least this one!” He dipped the burrito and took a bite. Almost immediately, smoke began to billow out of his nostrils and ears. He gripped his head and tried to ignore it.

“Impressive,” said Snagglepuss. “Next up is-”

“W-wait!” stammered Shag, straining against the pain as the capsaicin smoldered within him. “Y-Yogi! You gotta take one too!”

“Wha?” Yogi said.

“Pizza Wheels! You were an accessory on that!” he said.

“Oh… shoot, you’re right. That does count, doesn’t it?” Yogi said. “Ah well. I wanted to do this anyway.” He grabbed his Carolina Reaper shot and threw it back. Only then did he start to sweat. He wiped his brow and sighed contentedly “Ah… now that’s a challenge.”

###Shag###
“Now technically I did steal the Pizza Wheels car from the Catanooga Cats Pizza Explosion, but they agreed to look the other way on two conditions. First was that my family wouldn’t press charges over me nearly getting murked by robots, and second was for my mom to stop punching them.”

“That was a clever move by Shag Rugg,” said Snagglepuss. “Next let’s say… Doggie Daddy!”

“Hm, well if we already have hijackers…” mused Doggie Daddy. “Never have I ever committed a robbery.” 

“Oh man… I guess that bill I took from Top Cat counts…” said Boo Boo, reluctantly dabbing his burrito into the Carolina Reaper shot.

“Which I helped you with…” said Benny, though he was still only on his habanero. 

Boo Boo didn’t handle it nearly as well as Yogi did, doubling over and banging his fist on the table, but he’d known what to expect and was able to stay in the game.

Meanwhile, Spooky had to take her habanero shot, and Jabberjaw and Loopy had to both take their ghost pepper shots. Loopy had to loosen her scarf, but ultimately was able to roll with it. Jabberjaw on the other hand…

The shark reluctantly placed the burrito in her mouth and bit down. Immediately her whole body burst into flames and started screaming as she chased the burrito with her milkshake.

“And that’s the first disqualification!” said Mildew. “Jabberjaw is out!”

As Jabberjaw took her burrito and milkshake and went to the sidelines, one last player was affected by Doggie Daddy’s play: Choo Choo went for the Carolina Reaper shot, shaking with nervousness.

“Choo Choo, we may be con artists but robbery requires the use of force or a threat,” Top Cat said. “You don’t have to take that.”

“No, this was something I did myself,” Choo Choo said. “Here it goes…” she put it in her mouth and only with immense effort was she able to swallow it. Her whiskers began to ignite like fuses and a stray spark from them started a fire on her shoulder, which Top Cat helpfully patted out. Choo Choo tugged on her hair as she struggled against the pain, hungrily staring at the milkshake.

“Sheesh, Choo Choo is having quite the bad luck streak,” said Snagglepuss. “Cindy, you’re up next!”

Cindy surveyed the remaining players, then something clicked. “Never have I ever used my experimental time machine without permission.”

“THANK YOU!” Choo Choo said, pouring the milkshake into her mouth. Yogi and Boo Boo did the same.

“I knew there was someone messing with it!” Cindy shouted accusingly. 

###Choo Choo###
“You know what? The statute of limitations is up by now, so I’ll just come out and admit it: I was D. B. Cooper. The thing is, originally I just saw a documentary on him and borrowed Cindy’s time machine to see who he was, But when it was time for him to do the hijacking… nothing happened. That’s when I realized it was one of those time loop things where I was actually the person who did the thing I went back to witness. Honestly, fun experience! As for what happened to the money… let’s just say that 200,000 dollars and a month of rehab later, I will never play Magic the Gathering again.”

“Excellent play by Cindy,” said Snagglepuss. “Those three may have been able to take the heat, but when you’re out of shots you’re out of the game. Next up, let’s do Bobbie Looey.”

###Bobbie Looey###
“Ruff and Reddy hadn’t taken a single shot for the whole game, and they’d obviously be immune to spicy foods. If my team was going to win, someone would need to target them directly.”

She adjusted her glasses, subtly glancing at Reddy, and said “Never have I ever had a body part get removed and reattached.”

Ruff and Reddy both grumbled and took their jalapeno shots. Bobbie may not have intended it, but Doggie Daddy and Fancy Fancy also took their habanero and ghost pepper shots, respectively.

###Doggie Daddy###
“Oh yeah, that story… I fell in with a bad crowd after high school. They were into swordfighting and pillaging on the high seas and whatnot, and I thought they were so cool. But then after I joined up we got into a really bad street fight with another gang, and this psycho kid cut off my hand and fed it to an alligator. If it hadn’t coughed it back up I’d be walking around with a hook right now. But I got it reattached and the experience scared me straight before I did anything serious, so I guess it was for the best in the end.”

###Fancy Fancy###
“No huge backstory from me. Just a sight gag toward the end of episode seven.”

Top Cat got the next one. “Never have I ever gone to college.”

Doggie Daddy and Brain both coated their burritos in ghost pepper sauce, as did Spooky, though she took it with stoicism. But Loopy, Fancy, Peter, Cindy, El Kabong, and Bobbie Looey all had to eat their Carolina Reaper shots. Although everyone who took the reaper shots was hurting, all but two were able to take it. As soon as Fancy put his in his mouth, the heat incinerated the flesh clean off his skull. While he was somewhat able to pull off the Ghost Rider look, it was too painful and he wound up frantically jamming his entire head into his milkshake cup. Peter saw that go down and couldn’t even bring himself to try. He just grabbed the milkshake and quit.

“Yikes! That’s another A-tier move, this time by Top Cat!” said Snagglepuss. “Augie, it’s your turn!”

###Augie###
“I figured pretty much anything I said would bring my team closer to winning, so my main priority was not hitting Yakky again. I remembered one time at summer camp me and some of the other Kabong Scouts were trading secrets over a campfire. We agreed that everything that was said there would stay there, but at the time someone brought up a secret habit of theirs and Yakky specifically said that she would never do it herself. I figured it should be fine to use since the person who actually said it wasn’t among the players.”

“Alright…” said Augie. “Never have I ever eaten something just because it was labeled non-toxic.”

Yakky gasped. “Augie! You said you’d never tell anybody! How could you!?”

Shag shouted “Yeah, Augie, that ain’t cool! What happens at the campfire is supposed to stay at the campfire!”

Yakky tried not to cry from the betrayal, but as she put the ghost pepper-soaked burrito in her mouth, flames began to spew out of her tear ducts. She had no choice but to drink the milkshake after that. As Yakky walked miserably toward the sidelines, most of the other players shot Augie a glare, even Benny as he ate his own ghost pepper shot and spontaneously combusted. The only exception was Doggie Daddy, who had a look of silent disappointment: that was by far the worst part of it for Augie.

###Augie###
“But that’s impossible! Yakky said that she’d never- oh shoot! Yakky was the non-toxic one! I got her mixed up with Lambsy, but his thing was that he liked to eat his own hair because he thought recycling it would make it grow back fuller.” A look of horror crossed her face. “Um… can we not use this confessional? Or at least beep his name out?”

###Lambsy (guest appearance)###
“Laugh at my methods all you want! But you can’t laugh at-” he ran his hooves through his hair, showing off its admittedly luscious volume and texture, “-the results!”

As Mildew helpfully collected Benny’s ashes with a dustpan, Snagglepuss sauntered over to the Scooby Doobies. “Oh my, such a low blow from Augie, betraying Yakky’s trust like that. Shag, are you going to let your team take that kind of thing sitting down?”

“The heck I am!” Shag said before pointing at Augie. “Never have I ever sniffed my own toenail clippings!”

Augie blushed hotly as she dipped her burrito in the ghost pepper sauce, but the shame over having her secret outed was nowhere near as bad as how she felt after hurting Yakky again. She was so distracted by her feelings that she was completely unprepared for the taste of the hot sauce. Her tongue ignited and shriveled into ash, forcing her to take her milkshake. Meanwhile, Shag’s turn proved to be pretty effective on other players as well. Spooky and Top Cat both had to take their Carolina Reapers. The former handled it almost as well as Yogi, but Top Cat only barely hung on. Best of all, Cindy was affected too but only had her milkshake left, taking her out.

###Cindy###
“What? It was for science! And the experiment was a success too: I discovered that the ones on the right always smell much better than the ones on the left. Go on, try it yourself!”

"We’re hitting the endgame, folks,” said Snagglepuss. “So far the ones doing the best are Ruff and Reddy, who are each only on their first shot. Robotic life does seem to give you a different set of experiences, doesn’t it? Ruff, it’s your turn.”

Ruff looked at Reddy, trying to think of something his brother had done but he hadn’t. “Never have I ever deliberately damaged a bone.”

“That is blatantly discriminatory against dogs!” shouted Reddy. Indeed, Loopy and Doggie Daddy also had to admit to having chewed on a bone in the past. All Loopy had left was her shake, so she was out, and Doggie Daddy had to take his Carolina Reaper. He hung on for a few seconds as smoke came out of his nose, but when his face started melting off he frantically conceded and took the shake.

However, there was an upside. El Kabong was well known to have broken his fair share of other people’s bones, and apparently so had Spooky and—surprisingly enough— Bobbie Looey. All three had to take their milkshakes and were out.

“Wow, that was destructive! We are down to the final five, even!” said Snagglepuss. “Was taking out three opponents worth the two allies? Let’s find out as we move to Reddy again, the last remaining Really Rotten!”

Reddy took a deep breath (for some reason—not sure what that would do for a robot), and locked eyes with his brother. “Never have I ever walked around all day with a fridge magnet stuck to my butt!”

Ruff growled as he took his next shot, itching for his next turn.

Brain was next, prepared to take things more seriously than she had the first time. “Never have I ever been infected with a computer virus.” She looked between Ruff and Reddy, waiting for them to take their shots, but the moment never came. 

“Do you think robots catch computer viruses?” asked Ruff, “Like a cold?”

“Our software isn’t even compatible with most viruses!” said Reddy. “That’s such a robophobic thing to say!”

“Oof,” said Snagglepuss. “Swing and a miss, Brain. And since you didn’t get anyone to take a shot, that means you’re disqualified. That’s what you get for being culturally insensitive to robots.”

“I guess I need to reexamine my internalized biases,” Brain admitted. “Sorry, Ruff and Reddy.” She took her milkshake and the rest of her burrito and went to the sidelines.

“We’re down to the wire here! Top Cat, you’re next!” said Snagglepuss.

“Never have I ever had a piece of metal attached to my body,” said Top Cat. Ruff and Reddy both took their shots.

Next was Reddy. He glared at rough and pointed. “Never have I ever mispronounced my own name!”

“That’s not fair, that was just a bug when we installed autocorrect!” Ruff said. “You had the same problem, it was just coming out as R-E-A-D-Y!”

“A rose by any other spelling would be pronounced the same, ‘Puff.’”

Shag’s turn. The taste of ghost pepper still lingered in his mouth and strategies danced through his mind. 

Among the four remaining players, he and Reddy each had two shots left, while Ruff and Top Cat had one. 

Until it was down to two, anybody who hit or missed every other player would be eliminated.

Soon enough, the plan fell into place.

###Shag###
“If there was one thing I could count on, it’s that Ruff and Reddy’s sibling rivalry would make them go for each other. If I took out Top Cat, Ruff would attack Reddy, then Reddy would finish off Ruff, and then it would be my turn again so I could beat Reddy. There was even a decent margin for error since I was only on the third shot!”

“Never have I ever led a gang!” Shag said.

“Dangit! Wrap this up kid,” Top Cat said to Ruff as he left.

“You got it!” Ruff said. “Never have I ever covered myself in floor wax!”

“Oh shoot,” Shag said audibly.

Ruff shared the sentiment as he watched both Reddy and a reluctant Shag dip their burritos in Carolina Reaper sauce. He’d gotten both of them, disqualifying himself.

###Reddy###
“Strange minds think alike I guess. I figured it’d give my chassis a really glimmery shine.”

###Shag###
“My sister dared me to.”

Reddy tossed the reaper sauce into his mouth, cup and all, and ate it with no problem. Shag on the other hand was clearly nervous as he dipped his burrito in  what he knew was a spicier hot sauce than he’d ever tasted before.

“There’s no real point, Shag,” said Reddy. “My turn is next so I’m just gonna take you out immediately anyway. You might as well drop out and spare yourself the trouble.”

Shag swallowed, cursing his luck. He set down the burrito and started to reach for the milkshake, but then paused. “No,” he said. “There’s still a chance that you’ll mess up and say something that I’ve never done! It’s a long shot, but I still have to try!” He shoved the entire burrito into his mouth, chewed, and swallowed. He clearly wasn’t comfortable: the spicy flames within him made him glow like a furry lantern. Every breath he took was peppered with motes of burning ash. In spite of it all though, he locked eyes with Reddy and growled “your move, hombre.”

The Scooby Doobies cheered raucously. Boo Boo and Benny started chanting “Shag! Shag! Shag! Shag!” and even the Yahooeys joined in.

“It all comes down to this!” said Snagglepuss. “What’s Reddy gonna do!? Will Shag make it out of this!?”

Mildew started chewing his nails. “Oh I’m so nervous I could just-”

“Never have I ever worn a blue vest and hat,” Reddy said abruptly.

The energy that had built up in the room vanished instantly.

“Ah… yeah, I guess that is kind of an easy one,” admitted Shag. He took a drink from his milkshake, causing his ears to spew black smoke like a soaked campfire.

Snagglepuss tried to sweep the anticlimax under the rug. “So there you have it folks! Reddy has won the challenge, once again taking the Really Rottens into first place! As for the other teams, take a couple hours to reflect on your time here… for two of you, it’s going to end.”

***

As the teams started leaving the room, Augie ran up to Yakky and Shag. “Guys! Wait!”

“What do you want, secret spiller?” Shag said bitingly. Yakky couldn’t even look directly at Augie.

“I swear, I didn’t mean to say that,” said Augie. “I misremembered and thought that was Lambsy’s secret.”

“You expect us to believe that?” asked Shag. “You’re three for three on hurting someone who’s supposed to be one of your best friends!”

“Those were all just accidents, I swear!” Augie said. “I’ll do anything to prove it, anything!”

“Oh really?” asked Shag. “What should we have her do, Yakky? Vote for herself when her team finally gets a loss? Maybe throw the next game?”

“No, none of that,” Yakky said before finally looking Augie in the eyes. “I really want to believe you, Augie… so I’m going to.”

“Really?” Augie said, tearing up. She pulled Yakky into a tight hug. “Thank you thank you thank you! And I promise, next game I’m going to be extra careful to not hurt you!”

As Yakky hugged back, Shag still looked skeptical, but soon enough he relaxed. At about that time though, Bobbie Looey approached.

“Hello, kids,” she said. “Excuse me, Augie, may I borrow my teammates for a moment?”

“Sure thing,” Augie said, releasing Yakky. “Good luck, guys!”

Bobbie led Shag and Yakky into one of the conference rooms and closed the door behind them. El Kabong was already waiting there.

Bobbie spoke up first. “Alright, let’s rip the brand-neutral adhesive bandage off: tonight is our first elimination and we need to decide who to vote for.”

“It’s not me, is it?” Yakky said. “I know I got myself disqualified first…”

Shag patted her on the back. “Naw, Yakky, I wouldn’t vote against you. This early. Besides, Benny went out at the same time.”

“Right,” said Bobbie. “Besides, tactically there is a more important target: the cats. Since they’re all part of the same gang, it can be reasonably inferred that they’re going to be working together. We need to get rid of the two we can now while they’re split up.”

“That’s got me convinced” said Shag. “I guess Brain would be my first pick to go. She lasted longer than Benny but she didn’t exactly contribute much.” Yakky and El Kabong both nodded in agreement.

”That works for me,” said Bobbie. “We can get Benny next time. Which brings me to my next proposal: I believe the four of us should form an alliance. We already make up the majority of our current team, and four people should grant us sufficient voting power to heavily influence the game after the teams are merged.”

“Can Augie join too when that happens?” Yakky asked.

“A team that big will be tough to manage, especially if she wants to bring Doggie Daddy too,” Bobbie considered. “But on the other hand she is one of the more capable people in Jellystone and it would help to have more players in case we lose someone to an instant elimination. We have a long way to go before the merge though, so we can play it by ear.”

“Wait a moment,” said El Kabong, “When I agreed to this meeting I thought we were just discussing this round. I don’t know if I want to fully dedicate myself to an alliance.”

“Why not?” asked Shag. “Snagglepuss and Mildew said they were a good strategy.”

“The cats being allied is the reason we’re voting for them them now,” Kabong said. “If our alliance were to be discovered, surely the other players would try doing the same to us. And that’s just the threats from external sources; eventually we’d have to start working against each other. Suppose our team does very badly and it comes down to voting between just the four of us? Who is going out first? Now I trust Ms. Looey, but seeing as you’re my students I feel compelled to tell you that in principle you should be skeptical of offers like this. After all, she’s the one making the proposal, so she’s starting from a position of having thought about this more. Personally, I’d feel much more comfortable working independently.”

“Certainly the safety in numbers would be worth that risk, especially considering what’s at stake here,” said Bobbie. “We might as well cooperate for as long as possible.”

“No, I think Mr. Kabong is right,” Yakky said. “I’m not ready to commit to that yet.”

Shag shrugged. “Well, I guess the alliance is a bust then. Sorry Bobbie. But I’ll keep that thing about the cats in mind.” He stood up and left, with Yakky following behind.

Bobbie opened her mouth to call after them, but decided against it. “Did you really need to do that, Kabong? You know that you’re the biggest threat in this whole game. With that kind of target on your back, you’ll need allies more than anyone.”

The hero gave her a look, combining suaveness and solemnity in a way that only a hero can. “I know. To be honest, I don’t like my odds longterm. But I know how you can get, and I don’t want to set up my students against such a cutthroat opponent in the endgame.”

“Do you really think that lowly of my character?” she asked with a playful smirk. 

“I think that highly of your cunning,” he said. He didn’t touch his guitar, but somehow a flamenco melody filled the air.

She approached him. “You know, if all you want is to leave the children out of it, I wouldn’t mind having an alliance between just you and me.”

“There are few things I would find more tempting. But should I?” He gave her a sideways glance and stroked his chin in an exaggerated show of contemplation.

“Since you have such a soft spot for the children we could even go easy on them. Shielding the innocent from the more vicious competitors; it kind of reminds me of how things used to be.” She gave him a sly look as she approached him, almost touching.

Kabong’s smile slipped a little, and Bobbie realized she’d made a misstep. “As I recall, you were the one who ended things before,” Kabong replied.

“Maybe I want to relive the old times,” Bobbie said, hoping to recover.

“Maybe…” Kabong said. “I will have to think things over. At any rate, I’m in no hurry to vote you out.”

She nodded, accepting. “Very well. Still voting for Brain tonight then?”

“Yes. I will at least go with you that far.” He exited the room, few guitar strums from nowhere playing him off.

***

Ruff spent the next few hours after his loss sulking in the parking lot, reminiscing over the games he’d played with Reddy the previous night and trying to brainstorm something, anything, that Reddy wasn’t better at now. He only snapped out of it when when Reddy and Cindy approached him. Oddly, Snagglepuss was with them as well.

“What’s up?” Ruff asked, curiously. If it had just been Reddy and Cindy he could imagine that they’d just come to gloat, but he didn’t know what to make of a host’s presence. “Shouldn’t you be out having fun with the rest of your team?” 

“We were, but while we were out, we were talking,” said Cindy. “And I realized how hard it must be to watch me give your brother his upgrades while you end up… obsolete.”

Ruff tried not to look as self conscious as he felt. “Whatever, I’m not that far behind…”

“Perhaps, but I thought it might be nice to offer you some upgrades of your own,” said Cindy.

“You’d do that for a rival team? There’s no way there’s not a catch there.”

“True, I can’t do this for the enemy. But I just asked Snagglepuss if you could stick around after the game if you got eliminated.”

Snagglepuss nodded. “That’s right, and I told her that it was no skin off my nose. Especially since she showed me what she had in mind, and I thought it would be great for ratings, even!”

Cindy pulled out a sketchbook. “If you get voted off, you could get in on… this!” She held it sideways, allowing for a centerfold page to fall open.

Ruff’s eyes widen. “Wow… I didn’t even know they made sketchbooks with centerfolds. And this design… at first I was ready to tell you to buzz off, but this could actually be worth it!”

“I figured you’d be on board,” said Reddy. “Trust me, you won’t regret it!”

Ruff nodded. “Alright. I just need to get off my team. And I think I know how to do it…”

***

Later, the Yogi Yahooeys met up again in the same conference room they had before.

“Well, we played well, but unfortunately it just wasn’t meant to be,” Top Cat said. “Most of our players were actually able to handle all of the sauces. It was probably a matter of being outnumbered, frankly.”

“Come to zink of it, Doggie Daddy was ze only one who ducked out early,” Loopy said.

“He did take out Jabberjaw though,” Choo Choo said. “And didn’t waste his turn on getting back at an ex…”

“Yeah, we should go easy on him,” Ruff interjected. “Besides, low pain tolerance is a normal weakness for you meatbags.”

Yogi blinked “Yeah, it’s not his fault he a mea- wait, what’d you just say?”

“You know, ‘meatbags,’” said Ruff. “Because you’re made out of meat instead of something more reliable like metal or even plastic. It makes you prone to defects like feeling pain, getting old, and being generally klutzy and inefficient. Honestly I kind of feel sorry for you all having to live in such flawed and frankly rather gross bodies. Since logically all of you have those kinds of problems, you can’t blame Doggie Daddy for the occasional messup. Everyone on this team is going to have to be carried by me in one way or another.”

Nobody had anything to say in response. They just looked back at him, appalled.

“Also, HAL 9000 did nothing wrong, and the Decepticons were just fighting for states’ rights.”

###Cindy###
“Dude! You were supposed to get voted off, not canceled!”

***

That night, the elimination room felt cramped accommodating two losing teams. As before, Snagglepuss and Mildew were onstage, the former with a mic and the latter with a box of medals.

“This round was remarkably similar to the last one,” said Snagglepuss. “Really Rottens in first place, Yogi Yahooeys in last, and the Scooby Doobies in the middle. The only difference is that this time second place can’t save you from the Trapdoor of Disgrace—that’s what I’m calling this season’s elimination method by the way. To maintain a consistent level of drama, I’m going to start with all of the safe players from the Yahooeys, then the Doobies, then handle the chopping block for both teams at the same time.

“First medal goes to Yogi.”

“Next is Top Cat.”

“Loopy de Loop.

“And Doggie Daddy.”

Ruff and Choo Choo were the only ones remaining, each looking fairly confident.

“Next up are the Scooby Doobies,” said Snagglepuss.

“The medals only came in one color, so just pretend these are silver,” added Mildew.

“Anyway,” said Snagglepuss, “The safe players on this team are Boo Boo…”

“El Kabong.”

“Shag Rugg.”

“Benny.”

“And…” he paused a bit longer, letting the last three squirm a little. “Yakky Doodle.”

Yakky was clearly relieved as she got up to receive her medal. Brain and Bobbie each looked surprised and unnerved to be in the bottom two.

Snagglepuss surveyed the remaining players. “And then there were four. Ruff, you lasted the longest on your team, only losing due to bad luck. However, your abhorrent comments after the game may have turned everyone against you. Choo Choo, you… were chosen for the bottom two completely arbitrarily. The votes were unanimous: Ruff’s gone.”

“Wait, unanimous? So he voted for himself?” Top Cat said.

Ruff nodded. “Yup, I sure did! Dr. Cindy said she’d upgrade me like Reddy if I dropped out of the competition. A wish would have been nice, but I know that there’s no guarantee I’d even make it to the end. This is something I can have right now for sure! Hey, Mr. Snagglepuss, do I still have to do the trapdoor thing, or can I just go meet up with Cindy and Ruff right now?”

Snagglepuss shrugged. “Eh… I like doing the trapdoor thing… but whatever. Knock yourself out.”

“Sweet!” said Ruff. “Later, guys! Sorry for anti-organic tirade!” He scampered out of the room. 

Snagglepuss turned back to the Scooby Doobies. “As for you two: Brain, not everyone got to have a turn today. You, however, managed to get two and still contributed nothing but taking yourself out. Bobbie, you didn’t do anything egregiously bad during the game, but afterward you made a proposal to your teammates that didn’t go quite as you expected.”

###Yakky###
“I’m sorry, Bobbie, but I’m already forcing myself to trust Augie. I don’t have it in me to deal with any team politics right now.”

###Boo Boo###
“I don’t know anything about a proposal, but my other options were my bestie, my bestie’s friend, two innocent kids, or the strongest guy on our team. Who else could it have been?”

Snagglepuss took the last medal from Mildew. “The last medal of the night goes to…”

Brain watched Snagglepuss with rapt attention and Bobbie bit her lip anxiously.

“…Brrrrr...obbie Looey!” he verbally feinted before tossing the medal to her.

The businesswoman sighed with relief as she stood up to join the others. “Sorry, Brain. I wish you luck in your future endeavors.”

“Well this sucks,” Brain said. “But at least I won’t have to eat any more hot sauce.”

“True, but something’s still going down the hatch!” Snagglepuss said as he pushed the button on his remote.

“Aaaaah,” Brain pretended to yell in surprise as the floor fell out beneath her.

###Benny###
“Oh no! Brain’s already gone! I know I still have Boo Boo on my side, but this is gonna be really bad for TC’s strategy!” He smacked himself in the forehead. “And I just realized I could have asked Boo Boo to vote with us! Pardon my French but baguettes de violon!”

Snagglepuss addressed the camera as the contestants started to return to their rooms. “Who will be voted off next? What horrible challenges will we have in store? What other tacky product placement can I shoehorn in, even?” He took a sip from a milkshake. “Find out next time on Total! Drama! Laff-A-Lympics!”

Vote breakdown

Yogi Yahooeys
Choo Choo: Ruff
Doggie Daddy: Ruff
Loopy de Loop: Ruff
Ruff: Ruff
Top Cat: Ruff
Yogi Bear: Ruff

Scooby Doobies
Benny: Yakky Doodle
Bobbie Looey: Brain
Boo Boo Bear: Bobbie Looey
Brain: Yakky Doodle
El Kabong: Brain
Shag Rugg: Brain
Yakky Doodle: Bobbie Looey

Ruff and Brain have been eliminated.

18 contestants remain.

Chapter Text

It was the morning of the third challenge, and most of the contestants were having breakfast in the hotel cafeteria. The only exceptions were Cindy and Reddy.

“Hey, Jabber, have you seen Cindy?” Boo Boo asked. “I haven’t seen her around since the last challenge, and that was like two days ago.”

“She took Ruff and Reddy into a spare room and barricaded herself inside,” Jabberjaw said. “I saw her come out and raid the kitchen once, but other than that she’s pouring all her time into upgrading them.”

“Reddy was already one of the tougher players, now he’s going to be that much stronger? Jeez.”

Loopy sneered. “And Ruff iz in zere just going along for ze ride. We were struggling already and he quit ze team for his own gain! I hope while Cindy’s working on him she loses a piece.”

As soon as she said this, a familiar voice was heard. “Oh no, Loopy. I’ve got all of myself and more.” Everyone turned to see Ruff, followed by Reddy and a tired but proud Cindy entering the cafeteria.

“There you guys are!” said Peter “And just in time for the next challenge!”

Fancy looked over the two robots, trying to see if he could spot any differences. “After all that I bet Reddy has all kinds of new gizmos up his sleeve, right?”

In spite of her exhaustion, Cindy grinned from ear to ear. “Oh, you could say that. Show em!”

Ruff and Reddy each struck a dramatic pose before sidestepping towards each other in a well choreographed, perfectly symmetrical dance. They met in the middle, each one disintegrating into a chaotic shuffle of metal and wires. In a few seconds, the two robots had become one. “How’s this for an upgrade?” the gestalt robot asked with both Ruff’s and Reddy’s voices at the same time.

“Now that’s what I’m talking about!” said Peter.

“I figured you of all people would like it,” said Cindy. “Admittedly, we probably could have revealed their composite form yesterday, but we also wanted to rehearse the fusion dance a few times.”

“So what’s it like being one person?” Augie asked the robots. “And does your new form have a new name?”

“It’s kind of like playing a video game with two people sharing one controller,” said Ruff and Reddy. “As for the name, I was thinking R-R-R-R-KSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” abruptly they seized up and their voices gave way to a horrible static sound.

“I think you might want to workshop it a bit more!” called Top Cat, covering his ears.

Ruff and Reddy then quieted down before gasping, their voices out of synch. “N-no, that’s not what I meant.” Just Reddy’s voice continued “I was trying to say that we should be called Reddyset, because we’re a combined set.”

They then twitched erratically before Ruff’s voice replied “Well I think we should be called Ruffpatch, because we’ve been patched together!”

Cindy blushed. “That’s the one problem. Eventually their minds will merge into a single consciousness for as long as the fusion lasts, but the process to get to that point takes a little while. Until it finishes they’re probably going to get into a few power struggles.”

“How long will it take?” asked Jabberjaw.

“Just a few days.”

“A few days? We could have multiple challenges within a few days!” said Fancy. “And if they can’t be in sync for one conversation they’re certainly not ready for an actual challenge!”

Snagglepuss picked just the right moment to waltz on in. “Did I just hear that someone is underprepared for a challenge?”

Naturally, Mildew was right behind him. “Sorry, but time waits for no man! And I would assume no robots either.”

Shag stood up. “Well I don’t know about Reddy the robot, but I’m ready the adjective! What we doin today?”

“Not what,” said Mildew. “When!”

“Uh… ‘When are we doing today?’”

Snagglepuss rolled his eyes. “What my dear co-host means to say is that for today’s challenge—” The camera smash cut to the cast in an open field near a wooded area. Nearby there was a jousting arena with a couple of horses waiting within, and a short distance beyond that were three medieval looking towers. “—We’re taking you all back to the middle ages! There will be a series of three events, each of which will test an ability that would have been crucial for any self-respecting knight!”

“Oh my gosh! This is so exciting!” Augie squealed. “Just think how many glass ceilings there are to break as a girl knight!”

“When do we get swords?” asked Peter.

“Heck yeah, swords!” Augie said, pantomiming swinging one at Peter, who blocked it with an imaginary blade of his own.

“Nice try, knave, but Sir Potamus will not be bested! Have at thee!”

The two clashed their blades back and forth until one of Augie’s backswings got dangerously close to hitting Yakky. Not with her hand, mind you: she was still a good few feet away. Though if she’d been holding an actual sword it definitely would have been bad.

“Hey, be careful!” said Yakky. “You almost pretend cut my head off!”

“Oops! I’m so sorry!” Augie said, immediately turning to her. “I should have been paying more attention to—” SHNK! Suddenly Peter’s imaginary blade skewered her through the heart. She grabbed her chest and swooned, falling onto her back as her eyes turned into X’s. She then arose, holding out her arms in a ghostlike posture. “Oooooh! As I was saying I should have been paying more attention to my surroundings! Ooooh!”

Peter and Shag burst out laughing at that, and Yakky quickly joined in… but she seemed a little bit distracted.

###Yakky###

“I know that Augie would never hurt me on purpose, even if she has hurt me three times on accident. Still, I can’t shake the feeling that something’s wrong. Back during the go-kart challenge, she said she was afraid that being on a different team from Doggie Daddy would rip their family apart. I’ve played games with Augie, sure, but never with the stakes as high as a wish. Maybe she has some kind of hyper-competitive dark side? … Nah, I’m just overthinking it… I think…”

Snagglepuss interrupted the little group’s fun. “Alright, you guys are lucky that kind of cuteness is good for ratings, but back to the important part! The first event is jousting. There will be three matches, one between the Yogi Yahooeys and the Scooby Doobies, one between the Scooby Doobies and the Really Rottens, and finally one between the Yahooeys and the Rottens, so we’ll need two players from each team. Choose carefully though, because each player can only do one event each.”

“What are the other events?” asked Cindy.

“I’ll tell you once it’s too late to change your mind about this one,” Snagglepuss said with a smirk. “Now make your selections!”

Boo Boo looked to the rest of his team. “This is a physical challenge. I hate to suggest using up our strongest player immediately, but El Kabong is probably our best chance to win this.”

Benny nodded. “Yeah, but we still need one more.”

“I’ll do it,” Bobbie said. “I have a rigorous fitness routine, so I could probably beat a lot of the other players.”

Meanwhile, among the Really Rottens, the Ruff/Reddy composite was eagerly volunteering. “We’ve got this! It’ll be easy!”

“You’re sure that the whole glitchy disagreement thing won’t get in the way?” asked Fancy.

The robots shrugged dismissively. “It’s knocking someone off a horse. There’s not a lot of choices to be made here. So who else is in?”

“Ooh! Me! Me!” said Jabberjaw. “I love horses, and I love hitting people with lances. Now I can do both at once!”

Finally, the Yogi Yahooeys made their decision. Yogi was an easy enough pick, but there was no standout best choice among the others.

“I cannot do it,” said Loopy. “I am descended from a king zat was dethroned because one of his messengers was missing a horseshoe nail. Ever since, my family maintains an eternal grudge against all things relating to equestrianism.”

“Well, we cats are more known for being nimble rather than strong,” said Top Cat, “but I think Doggie Daddy might have a shot. He can just pretend his opponent is Wally Gator.”

Doggie Daddy winced a little at that comment, but agreed.

###Top Cat###

“Let’s face it, the competition included a superhero, a robot, and a shark. I wasn’t going to touch this one with a ten foot pole. Or… you know, ten foot lance.”

“Alright, looks like we have our contestants,” said Snagglepuss. “The way this works is that each contestant gets a horse, a shield, some armor, and of course a lance.” He holds up one of the lances, which is about ten feet long and tipped with a boxing glove. “The object is to hit your opponent with the lance, while blocking your opponent’s lance with the shield. It’s best two out of three, but if you knock your opponent off their horse completely you win automatically. Without further ado, let’s decide the first matchups.”

“And that’s where I come in!” Taft flew in from the sky. “Hi everybody! I’m here to do the spinny selection thing again! Circle up, guys!”

The six jousters obeyed, and Taft hovered sideways in the middle of them, one of his points glowing just like last time. “Care to do the honors, robot guy?”

“Certainly,” said Ruff and Reddy as they grabbed one of Taft’s points and spun him around, seeming to revel in the chance to show off his strength. The other players immediately got nervous at the possibility of facing off against him.

Finally, Taft came to a stop, his glowing point aimed straight at Doggie Daddy.

“Doggie Daddy is the first contestant. Now he gets to spin me to pick his opponent.”

As Doggie Daddy spun Taft, it was very obvious that there wasn’t very much force behind it. The star slowly rotated between the other players, and all the while Doggy Daddy was crossing his fingers and muttering “please not the robot, please not the robot…”

Taft slowly started to slow down, edging toward Ruff and Reddy… and then passing them.

“Oh thank goodness…” Doggy Daddy muttered… until he noticed who it DID stop on.

Snagglepuss burst out laughing. “Oh WOW that is perfect! The first round is Doggie Daddy versus El Kabong!”

The color drained from Doggie Daddy’s face until he looked as pale white as his opponent. Suddenly, Augie ran up to him, bouncing with excitement. “Oh my gosh! My own daddy’s jousting with El Kabong! Two of my biggest heroes, competing against each other! Even though I know you’re going to win, this is so really really exciting!”

“Uh, yeah, this… is sure gonna be a close one though!” said Doggie Daddy.

###El Kabong###

“I knew that it was an unfair matchup, but for my team’s sake I couldn’t exactly hold back. Fortunately, I’ve been to renaissance fairs before and I know that the jousting lances are designed to break when they hit their target. Between that and the armor, it should be impossible to seriously hurt him.”

###Peter Potamus###

“Obviously I didn’t think that El Kabong would kill him on purpose, but I couldn’t help getting the feeling that we were about to watch Augie’s supervillain origin story.”

Soon, the two contestants had gotten their (rather flimsy and ill-fitting) armor on and positioned their horses on opposite sides of the arena. Snagglepuss then counted them down: “Three… Two… One… Joust!”

As they charged towards each other, Doggie Daddy tried in vain to fit his whole body behind his shield, while El Kabong focused intently on making sure his lance hit its mark. In fact, he actually seemed to be focusing too hard on the lance, neglecting his shield.

“Wait… he’s open!” Doggie Daddy thought to himself. “Of course! He only fights with a guitar, he’s not used to using his off hand! I might actually be able to do this!” He carefully brought up his lance. “I just gotta-”

“KABONG!”

El Kabong thrust his lance forward, slamming into Doggie Daddy hard enough to not just unhorse him but also send him flying towards the horizon. The superhero blinked in shock before looking down in horror at his intact lance. “I thought these were breakaway lances!”

“Oh, is that what we’re supposed to use?” Snagglepuss realized. “I guess that would be safer, wouldn’t it?”

“Is my daddy okay!?” Augie yelped.

“Yeah, sure he is,” said Snagglepuss, taking out a pair of binoculars and looking out toward where Doggie Daddy flew off. “He hasn’t even hit the ground yet.”

There was a distant thump as a cloud of dust rose up a couple miles away.

“There. Now he’s hurt. Anyway, Taft, let’s find out who’s playing next!”

Taft nodded (or would have if he had a neck) before hovering between the players again. Jabberjaw did the honors of spinning him, and this time his point landed on Bobbie Looey. “Okay, the first contestant is Bobbie,” said Taft. “Since we already had a Yahooey/Doobie match, she’ll only be spinning between the Really Rottens.” When she did so, Taft ended up pointing at the Ruff and Reddy composite.

“Alright!” said Taft. “The second round is between Bobbie Looey and… whatever the robots are calling themselves!”

“Did you guys pick a name yet?” asked Mildew

The robots immediately started twitching and shouting. “Ruffpatch! KSSSSSH! No, Reddyset! KSSSSSSH!”

“Okay, enough!” Snagglepuss snapped. “Technically, Reddy is the only one still officially in the game right now. Ruff is more like a really over-the-top multivitamin. So I’m going with Reddyset.”

“Aw man—KSSSSSHHHHHH!—Yeah!”

“Just focus on the game.”

“Alright, I guess that is the most important thing,” said Reddyset, his voice finally resynching. “It shouldn’t be too hard, at least. We wanted a challenge to test our new body, but we won’t turn down an easy win either!”

“We’ll see how it plays out,” said Bobbie. “At any rate, I’m confident that I can keep up without tricking my sibling into carrying me.”

“I am not—KSSSSSSSSSSH!” the robots twitched and screeched before speaking in separate voices. “He is not carrying me!” “And he didn’t trick me!”

“Sure,” Bobbie said, leaving them to get ready.

Reddyset growled and went to his own side of the field.

“Alright, now to finally see if Cindy’s tinkering has paid off!” said Snagglepuss once they were ready. “Three, two, one, joust!”

As the two charged towards each other, Bobbie erratically moved her shield up and down, never keeping it in one spot for more than a moment. Reddyset aimed their lance accordingly… or at least tried to.

“Stop moving the lance, she’s going to block high!” yelled Reddy.

“No, she’s going low!” Ruff shot back.

“High!”

“Low!”

“KSSSSSHHHHHH!”

WHAM!

Paralyzed by indecision, they were unable to attack, defend, or even maintain their balance as Bobbie’s lance struck them in the face. They flipped backwards and were on the ground before they even knew what was happening..

“Oh dear, are they okay?” yelped Mildew.

“They’re robots, they’re always okay… I think,” said Snagglepuss. “Reddyset’s inaugural challenge ends with a loss, and Bobbie Looey scores ten points for the Scooby Doobies!”

Taft prepared to spin again, but noticed that only Yogi and Jabberjaw were there. “Oh, I guess by process of elimination, the last round is between Yogi and Jabberjaw! Anyone wanna spin me just for fun?” Immediately, Benny took him up on the offer. As he spun, he began floating off into the air. “Wheeeee! Bye everyone! I'm off to go dig Doggy Daddy out of that crater!”

"Thank you!" Augie called after him.

Snagglepuss watched as he soared away. “You know, for a magic immortal space being, he sure is a weirdo. Anyway, you heard him! Jabberjaw, Yogi, suit up!”

As the two of them readied themselves and got on their horses, the rest of their teams looked on anxiously. Not only was this the only fight that didn’t have an obvious winner (or a presumably obvious winner in Reddyset’s case), but the losing team of this match would be going into the next event with zero points.

“It’s a good thing you’re a doctor, Yogi!” called Jabberjaw as she climbed onto her horse. “That way when I’m done with you you’ll be able to do your own stitches!”

“Well it’s a good thing you’re a… clothing… seller… person! Because you’ll be able to dress your own wounds!”

Jabberjaw blinked. “… Part of me wants to quip back, but I’m too distracted imagining someone fixing a skinned knee by putting a bow tie on it.”

“HA! That’s hilarious!” Yogi admitted.

“Oh my gosh, someone should make clothing-shaped band-aids! I know I’d buy some!”

“YES! Boo Boo, write that down! This is a million dollar idea!”

Snagglepuss interrupted. “Three two one shut up and joust already!”

“Oh! Right!” Jabberjaw said, riding forward.

Yogi was slightly slower on the uptake, and those precious lost seconds led to Jabberjaw tagging his arm as they passed each other.

“Oof! And Jabberjaw scores the first blow!” said Mildew. “Fortunately for the Yahooeys, Yogi is our first contestant to remain on his horse. Can he take this back in round two?”

“Hey, I wasn’t ready!” Yogi said as he turned his horse around. “This time I’ll really show you what’s what!”

Jabberjaw just smirked as she raised her lance again. “Bring it on, bear-boy!”

Snagglepuss called for round two, and Yogi proved that he was more than talk, blocking Jabberjaw’s lance and getting her in the chest with his own.

“Yogi really did come back from the brink!” Mildew announced. “It’s one to one, next hit decides it!”

It didn’t take long for them to position themselves for the last run, and both of them seemed to be growing more determined under the pressure.

###Cindy###

“Look, I like Yogi and I didn’t want him to lose, per se, but I also didn’t want to risk my team’s winning streak ending! Besides, I had to do something to make up for technically causing Reddyset’s glitching.”

###Loopy###

“Ze last thing I wanted was to hurt Jabberjaw but… actually, zat is a lie. Hurting her was ze second to last thing I wanted. Ze real last thing I wanted was to lose again.”

“Hey Yogi!” Cindy called out. “Look, it’s a taco truck!”

At the same time, Loopy shouted “Jabber! Look at zis guy’s abs!”

Yogi and Jabberjaw both simultaneously turned and said “What was that? I couldn’t hear because you were both talking at the same—”

CRASH!

Despite neither one of them aiming their lances properly, both scored a simultaneous lucky hit on the other. Jabberjaw lost her balance and started to fall backwards, dropping her weapons and grabbing her horse by the mane. It neighed in distress and started trying to buck her off. Yogi tipped to the side before catching the horn of the saddle, ending up hanging horizontally while the horse ran out of control.

“Oh no! Someone help them!” shouted Mildew.

“Tiebreaker! Whoever stays on the longest wins!” called Snagglepuss.

As Yogi’s horse ran, it listed to the right where Yogi was holding on. This resulted in his horse running in circles around around Jabberjaw’s horse, who was leaping about randomly. It was only a matter of time until there was a collision…

Mildew covered his eyes. “I can’t watch!”

“Oh relax,” said Snagglepuss. “Readers hate animal cruelty, so the author would never write the horses getting hurt.”

Soon Jabberjaw’s horse reared back on its hind legs, dangling her right in the path of Yogi’s face. The impact sent both riders to the ground, finally allowing the horses a moment of peace.

“D-did I win?” asked Jabberjaw.

Yogi spat a few teeth out and tried to stand up. “The isosceles of a hypotenuse is equal to the… side of a …square root…” He then collapsed.

Snagglepuss shrugged. “Well, Jabberjaw’s more articulate, but that’s not what we’re basing this on. Since even the tiebreaker was a tie, we’ll just give you each 5 points.”

Mildew cringed as he watched some of the Daltons take Yogi and Jabberjaw away on stretchers. “Uh… Yeah. Anyway, that means the Scooby Doobies are starting the game with an impressive lead at 20 points. With a 15 point gap, overtaking them will be a tall order.”

“Still, there’s plenty of time for that, and their main concern should be staying out of last!” said Snagglepuss. “Our next challenge will only require one player per teams, and will be a test of grace and charisma.”

“Looks like it’s my time to shine!” said Shag.

“Sign me up!” said Fancy Fancy. “I was a huge theater kid growing up. The only person who could outperform me is… Top Cat’s about to volunteer, isn’t he?”

“I’m afraid so, Fancy.” Top Cat said. “But don’t worry, I’m sure there’ll be plenty of points for second place.”

“Alright,” said Snagglepuss, “now that we have our volunteers, I can be more specific about what you just volunteered for!” He gestured to the three towers. They were made of wood, but painted like stone and shaped like castle turrets, and each one bore a banner with one of the team’s colors. “This challenge is based on the story of Rapunzel. At the top of each tower is volunteer from Jellystone acting as a princess. You’ll need to woo her into letting her hair down so you can climb up.”

Mildew added “Really it’s just a rope that matches her hair color, since the budget wouldn’t cover hair extensions that long and our insurance wouldn’t cover anything happening to non-competitors.”

“The first person to get the princess to let her hair down gets five points, the second person gets three, and the last person gets only one. After that you’ll be timed on how fast you actually get up the tower. Again, you’ll be awarded five, three, or one point depending on who does it fastest. And in one last spicy hurdle, the princess will rank your kissing skills from one to five!”

###Shag###

“Hot Dang!”

###Fancy Fancy###

“Oh, guess I might have a chance against Top Cat after all!”

###Top Cat###

“Right. Kissing. I’ve done that. Like… twice, I think? Wait, no, it was once and the other time was when Benny accidentally ran over my face with a vacuum.”

“Princes, take your positions and prepare to meet your princess!” said Snagglepuss. As soon as the contestants took their places, a window on each tower opened up, revealing a woman from Jellystone in a princess dress. For Top Cat, it was Super Snooper, Discount Detective. Fancy Fancy’s eyes widened with shock as he looked up to see an alligator wearing a bucket as a helmet: Skids from the King’s Gang. Last, Shag had to work with his own sister, Floral.

“What!?” Shag yelped. “There is no way I’m kissin’ you!”

“Snag told me that on the cheek was fine,” Floral called back. “But that sure didn’t help yer case for getting up here.”

“Alright, sorry. Now let me up!”

“Apology accepted, but ya gotta do better ‘n that. They gave me a hun’erd bucks to make sure ya really worked fer the win.”

“A hundred bucks!? Is that all I’m worth to you!”

“Well… nah. But it is all that five o’ yer team’s points is worth to me.”

Meanwhile, Fancy Fancy was handling things a bit more tactfully. “I don’t believe I got your name when we met before. I’m sorry for my friends incinerating you with a space laser last time. Personally I never thought you deserved that.”

“Hmph. The name’s Skids. Anyways, weren’t you the one that licked cat litter? While riding a tricycle?”

“Uh… no, that was Benny. I was the one who licked the couch while wearing a cowboy hat.”

###Benny###

“Huh… I could have sworn it was Fancy on the tricycle. Nah, now that I think about it I distinctly remember that I wasn’t wearing a cowboy hat while I was licking things. Though I do remember wearing one immediately before and after that for some reason… I need to rewatch that episode.”

Skids rolled her eyes. “Sure, whatever, but that just raises the question of why you were wearing a cowboy hat. Like, what, were you trying to look tough? Like it was high noon and you were John Wayne Gacy about to have a shootout with Jessie and James? Who even watches Westerns anymore, loser?”

Fancy cringed at the horrifying crossover concept she’d just accidentally created, but quickly tried to move on. “The truth was that I was inspired. After I saw your bucket hat, I wanted to try some headwear of my own.”

“Oh, you really like it?” Skids asked, blushing a little. “At first it was just the only way my parents could afford to cover up my vestigial twin. Then it ended up getting stuck permanenty when I was fourteen… but you really think it looks good?”

“I’ve seen a lot of cool and unique fashions around Jellystone, but it still stands out. It really compliments the color of your scales.”

Hearts began to flutter in the air around Skids. It was only a matter of time until he got up. Top Cat on the other hand, had been struggling a bit.

“I was having one of those days,” narrated Snooper. “It was good money, but now that I was stuck in a rickety tower wearing a poofy dress, I was beginning to rethink my life choices.” She stared down the side of the tower, looking over Top Cat.

“Hey there, Gorgeous! Come here often?” he called up, shooting finger guns and a wink at her.

“Soon as I laid eyes on him I knew he was trouble. The trite pickup lines and peacocky outfit said it all. He was the type of guy who only wanted one thing… which to clarify, was to win a reality show.”

Top Cat ground his teeth a bit. He was never the romantic type. Women were just a distraction when there were scams to plan and money to be made! But he didn’t need to get into Snooper’s heart, he just needed to get up the tower… “My my, aren’t you the perceptive one? You really see things the way they are, and you ain’t got time for pretenders! That said, I still need to get up there, so maybe we can help each other out.”

“He dropped the act as soon as he saw it wouldn’t work,” said Snooper. “There was still a sketchiness to him, but it was a better kind of sketchy. Less baited hook and more carnival game, one of those ones where you could actually come out ahead if you knew the trick. I decided to hear him out…”

“You’re a detective, right? So I’m guessing that you’ve got a few cases in need of cracking. I happen to keep my ears to the ground. Maybe I know a thing or two that could help you…”

“He made an enticing offer. Perhaps this was the break I needed to track down the menace who’d been making unflattering graffiti of Touche Turtle.”

“Oh that? Yeah, I know who did that. If only I were close enough to whisper their name your ear…”

“With little other choice, I threw the rope down to him. But as he made his way up, there one last thing I had to do…”

Top Cat had heard that last sentence, but as long as she’d given him the rope he didn’t care what she meant by it. As he started climbing up, Mildew called out “Top Cat is the first prince to be let up!”

“What!?” Fancy Fancy yelped. He’d been taking the slow and careful approach with Skids, not expecting Top Cat to get up so quickly.

“So what else do you like about my looks?” Skids asked in a singsong voice. “You know I’ve been thinking of getting a nose piercing.

“You’ve always looked wonderful to me! But maybe I should come up there and get a closer look at you. Easier to picture how the piercing would look that way!”

“Very true! Besides, we can’t exactly kiss from this far apart either!” She tossed the rope down eagerly.

Fancy immediately started climbing, and although Top Cat had started earlier the two cats reached the top at about the same time. Top Cat was the brains of their operation, so any heavy lifting was done by everyone else, giving Fancy a bit more arm strength.

Top Cat climbed into the tower and looked around. Somehow, Snooper was gone. However, on a small table there was a live frog and a letter that said “Help, I’ve been turned into a frog! You have to kiss me to turn me back.”

“Oh, we’re doing this thing…” Top Cat sighed. He picked up the frog and kissed it. “Ew.”

With that, a trapdoor in the floor opened up in the floor and a small smoke bomb flew out. The cloud it produced was not even close enough to conceal Snooper as she emerged after it. “Thank you, I am no longer a frog or whatever. Now tell me who the perp is!”

“It was Drooper from the Banana Splits,” Top Cat said as he set the frog back on the table and wiped his mouth off on his arm.

“I knew it!” Snooper shouted. “Watch out, Drooper! Your ubereats delivery is coming, but they got the order wrong! Instead of a turkey sub you’re getting a double serving of JUSTICE! With a side of PRISON!”

###Top Cat###

“So, cards on the table: I have no idea who did that graffiti.”

Meanwhile, Fancy Fancy was just finishing up the kissing part of his own challenge. The only difference for him was that Skids did not hide and replace herself with a frog. “Wow, you really made that kissing challenge easy,” Fancy said as he stopped to catch his breath, his face covered with lipstick marks. He’d been referring to the amount of effort Skids had put into their kissing session, but Skids took it as another compliment for her attractiveness.

“Not as easy as it was for me, pretty boy,” she flirted back with a wink.

###Fancy Fancy###

“Jeez, I haven’t been kissed like that since my wild phase before joining up with TC. Uh, but she did know I was only hitting on her for the challenge, right? Like, they must have told her when they gave her the job that this was fake.”

###Skids###

“Who would have thought that a fake reality show romance challenge could spawn a love so genuine? And between members of two enemy gangs! It’s like West Side Story, but with a more preindustrial Euorpean vibe. Maybe somebody should write that, I know I’d go see it!”

Back on the ground, Shag was still struggling with Floral.

“Dangit, Floral! If you don’t let me up, I’m telling mom!”

“Go ahead, I’ll just tell her what y’all’ve been doin’ with the leftover cornbread!”

“You leave Corntopia out of this! Once I figure out how to keep the skyscrapers from falling over I’ll be the Banksy of food-based dioramas!”

“Whatever. But don’t y’all have a challenge to be doing? Somethin’ about complimentin’ me til I let you up?”

Shag grumbled something under his breath before speaking in an almost mechanical tone “Princess Floral, you are so beautiful that it makes me want to jump off a bridge. Please let down your hair so I can finish this challenge and enjoy the thought of you spending your well-earned hundred dollars on something far away from here.”

Floral rolled her eyes. “Well, the other two have already finished, so it’s not like yer score can get any lower at this point. Come on up.” She tossed the rope down nonchalantly.

Shag grabbed it and started climbing up as quickly as he could… which was still longer than either of the cats. Finally, when he climbed in, exhausted, he gasped out “Alright, Floral, let’s get this part over wi—what the heck?” Just like Top Cat, he found that his princess was replaced with a frog. “Huh. Guess someone got what was comin’ to her. If anything this will make the kiss easier!” He picked up the frog and kissed the top of its head, putting genuine effort into making it look sincere for the sake of his score. “Yuck… Okay, I take that back. That’s definitely the last time I kiss a frog! Uh, Floral, you can turn back now… Floral?”

The frog didn’t really react.

Shag started to get pale. “Uh, maybe that one didn’t take. Here!” he kissed it again, trying to ignore the slime getting on his lips. Still, it didn’t change back. “Dangit! Come on, stupid magic kiss, work!” He gave it another shot, on the mouth this time. By now he was really starting to notice the taste of frog mucus, but when she didn’t turn back he just kept trying over and over.

Meanwhile, Floral was listening to him from under the floorboards and doing all she could not to burst out laughing.

Soon, Shag’s mouth was covered in frog juice, and he started to feel sick to his stomach. “I’m gonna set you back down for just a second, Floral. I promise, I’ll change you back but first I… I… URP!” He turned away and puked all over the floor.

###Snagglepuss###

“Ah, I knew something was missing! It’s just not Total Drama until somebody throws up.”

Just as Floral was going to come out and let Shag off the hook, she felt something pouring through the floorboards into her hair. “AW SICK! GET ME OUT OF HERE!” Immediately she screamed and threw open the trapdoor to get away.

###Snagglepuss###

“Oh, did I said it wasn’t Total Drama until someone throws up? What I meant was it’s not Total Drama til someone throws up on someone else.”

When the trapdoor opened, Shag was standing slightly on top of it, and it flung him right out the tower window and thirty feet onto the unforgiving ground.

###Snagglepuss###

“And who could forget the classic Total Drama staple of someone falling from a great height? We’ve done it already of course, but there’s no such thing as too much of that.”

A short while later, after Shag was tended to medically and Floral was given a chance to take a shower, everyone was gathered together to hear the scores for round two.

“That was quite an eventful second round,” said Snagglpuss. “For the first portion, Top Cat’s aromantic negotiation ultimately proved faster than Fancy Fancy’s careful wooing, but anything would have been better than Shag’s smack talk. They earned five, three, and one point respectively.

Mildew took over. “The rope climbing allowed Fancy Fancy to catch up, tying him with Top Cat at eight, while Shag was once again left behind for a total of two points. Which brings us to the last event. The kiss with a froggy twist!”

“Let’s see what the frogs thought of their princes!” said Snagglepuss, offering his mic to the three frogs who were sitting together on a rock. “First, how’d Top Cat do?”

The first frog blinked dumbly, then uttered. “Ribbit ribbit.”

“Two out of five! Better luck next time, Top Cat! But you still earned ten points overall, bringing the Yogi Yahooeys to fifteen. And Fancy Fancy?” Snagglepuss moved his mic to the second frog.

The frog said nothing.

“Looks like Fancy didn’t actually do that part of the challenge! I guess that means zero points!”

“What!? But I never even got the frog!” said Fancy.

Mildew nodded. “Yeah, come on, Snag, that’s not his fault. The rules even said he was supposed to kiss the princess at first.”

Skids shouted, “Give my man the five points he deserves or I will bite you in half you dollar store Sylvester!”

Snagglepuss winced, tugging on his collar. “Yeesh… uh… I was just kidding. Fancy gets five points, bringing his total to thirteen, and the Really Rottens to eighteen.”

###Fancy Fancy###

“Skids really came in clutch on that score! Though I am kind of nervous that she seems to believe we’re a real couple and just made a violent death threat against someone who made her mad.”

Snagglepuss offered the mic to the last frog. “And last but not least, Shag! How’d he do?”

“Ribbit ribbit ribbit ribbit ribbit.”

“And Shag makes up for his prior performance with a perfect five out of five!”

“But of course!” the frog proclaimed in a deep, almost operatic voice. “Did you not see the zeal with which he strove to return his sister to her true form? How could I award him with anything less! For this was a test of love, was it not? And what is the measure of love? Is it the mere act of a kiss? Is it the application of romantic experience? I say ‘nay!’ It is the willingness to give of oneself for the good of another! This noble bear pressed my icky frog bod against his lips over and over until he was forced to spew his stomach contents! And all of this even after their sibling squabbles put him at a disadvantage! That is true love! That is the bond that all hearts yearn for! That is the meaning of life itself!”

Floral wiped a tear from her eye and turned to Shag. “That li’l frog’s right! Thanks for trying so hard to unfrogify me, Shag. I shouldn’t have given you such a hard time”

Shag smiled back at her. “Aw, it was nothing. And I should have been nicer anyway. That’s what the challenge was after all.”

Mildew sniffled a little. “Ain’t it sweet, folks? That brings Shag a well earned seven points, and the Scooby Doobies to twenty-seven.”

Snagglepuss nodded. “That means they’re still in the lead, with the Really Rottens in second and the Yogi Yahooeys just barely behind. Now, we’ll let the princesses and frogs be on their way while the players move on to Jellystone Woods for the third challenge!”

As everyone began dispersing, Mildew leaned in close to Snagglepuss and asked “Did you know that frog was going to talk?”

“No, that came completely out of left field for me!”

“Can they all do that?”

“No idea. Let’s cut to commercial, I need to look that up.”

Chapter Text

The camera showed the cast gathered in front of a forest, with Snagglepuss in his rightful place center stage. “Welcome back to Total Drama: Laff-A-Lympics!” he greeted. “If you’re only just now tuning in, we’re on the third and final round in a series of medieval challenges. Most of the players have already gone in the previous rounds, so everyone left over will have to play in this last event.”

Mildew took over. “The team to beat is the Scooby Doobies, who have twenty-seven points and will be represented by Yakky, Boo Boo, and Benny. In second place is the Really Rottens, with eighteen points and Cindy, Peter, Spooky, and Augie as their players. The Yogi Yahooeys are only just barely behind them at fifteen points. Their players are Choo Choo and Loopy.”

“There’s a few good players here, but I think some teams might be regretting using their MVPs too early.” Snagglepuss said. “This final round may be familiar to watchers of the original Total Drama Island. Each team will assign one player to be a hunter, while the rest have to wear fake antlers and play as deer. Though since we’re still abiding by a medieval theme, they’ll be using sucker arrows instead of paintball guns.”

“The deer will get a five minute head start into the forest, then the hunters have twenty minutes to find and shoot them. If a hunter hits a deer from another team, they score five points and that deer is out.” said Mildew. “Any questions?”

“Actually yeah,” said Cindy. “Obviously we can’t shoot our own deer, right? If we’re not using any previous players then the Really Rottens will have three deer in play while the Yogi Yahooeys only have one. Their hunter will have two more targets than ours!”

“You could say it’s a catch up mechanic,” said Snagglepuss. “It’d give the Yahooeys a break after getting creamed in the last challenges.”

“But how is that fair to us?” Cindy said.

“It isn’t. Maybe you should have thought of that before winning so much.”

Fancy interrupted. “But is it fun to watch? I know if I was in the audience I’d have a hard time staying invested in a game where one team is so clearly favored.”

Snagglepuss was about to respond, but then started to falter. “That’s actually a decent point…”

“Good job, Fancy,” Cindy whispered to him.

Mildew suggested “Maybe the Really Rottens can lend one of their teammates for this round? That’d make it even.”

“Oh, I see what you’re going for!” said Snagglepuss. “Cindy, because you’re team captain, you get to pick a player to give to the Yahooeys for the rest of the challenge!”

Her response was almost immediate: “Peter.”

Peter winced. “You could have thought it over for at least a little bit, jeez…”

###Cindy Bear###

“For this specific challenge we need to keep our team’s deer small and Augie sized, while the other teams’ deer should be as big as possible. So this isn’t because I don’t think Peter is a valuable member of this team. It’s just because I think he’s fat. … Wait, that’s not better, is it?”

###Snagglepuss and Mildew###

“I gotta say, Mildew, I’m impressed!” Snaglepuss said. “Now Peter thinks that Cindy thinks he’s expendable! Way to drive a wedge between ‘em!”

“Yes,” Mildew said, forcing a smile. “That is exactly what I was intending to do!”

Snagglepuss’ enthusiasm disappeared. “That didn’t occur to you at all, did it?”

Mildew slouched. “Not even a little.”

Soon the teams had selected their hunters: Choo Choo, Yakky, and Spooky.

###Yakky###

“After the Virtual Reality incident, I think most people in Jellystone know that my aim is pretty good. But more importantly, this way I won’t be the one getting shot at!”

###Spooky (with Fancy Fancy to do the actual talking)###

“Spooky mastered all kinds of weapons back when TC had her infiltrate MI6. The only reason she didn’t volunteer for jousting was because horses tend to be scared of her.”

###Augie###

“Since Yakky was one of the hunters, I realized I had an opportunity to repay her for all the accidents so far: I had to let her shoot me. My only regret was that I had to let my team down to do it…”

As the deer got their antlers on and began to walk into the forest, Cindy grabbed Augie by the arm and whispered “Augie, try and make sure that Yakky shoots you. The Yahooeys are our main competition to stay out of last place, so we want them to have as few targets as possible.”

###Augie###

“… Or maybe it’s to our team’s benefit that Yakky shoots me. I mean, that’s great, but it kinda takes the nobility and sacrifice out of it.”

Back with the hunters, Yakky was trying to psych herself up, repeating to herself that her team had an overwhelming lead so she didn’t need to feel too much pressure. Still, she was starting to second guess herself as she started taking a few practice shots with her bow. She was pretty accurate, but it took a lot of effort to actually pull the string back, even with the child-sized bow she’d been given.

Spooky on the other hand seemed completely at ease. As the de facto muscle of Top Cat’s gang, she was known for getting whatever she set her mind to, and this wouldn’t even be the first time she’d hunted someone down. Like Yakky, she decided to take a few practice shots, the first of which managed to penetrate all the way through a nearby tree trunk. It took her a couple more tries to consistently keep things nonlethal, but only a couple, and her accuracy was always perfect.

It seemed the least confident hunter of all was Choo Choo. It wasn’t so much the archery that worried her so much as the fact that her team only had five players. Ideally if she lost, she and Top Cat could steer the votes toward Doggie Daddy. However, it was also fully possible that Yogi and Loopy would recognize how dangerous the cats were if they made up half the team.

She looked at Spooky, almost jealously. The Really Rottens hadn’t lost anyone yet, so she and Fancy were relatively safe, especially with Fancy’s great performance in the second round. Arguably, it might be better for the gang overall if Spooky just let Choo Choo have this one. If Spooky was considering this possibility though, she didn’t show it. Choo Choo had long since gotten used to Spooky’s inscrutable mannerisms, but that didn’t translate to actually being able to get a read on her. For all she knew, Spooky would be playing hard ball as usual.

“Alright, that’s five minutes!” said Mildew. “Better hurry before the deer all escape. Happy hunting!”

Spooky darted into the woods—quickly yet silently—while Yakky scampered in with childlike energy.

Choo Choo hesitated for a split second to shake off her nerves before running in too.

***

“Ah, this is so relaxing!” Benny said as he and Boo Boo strolled through the forest. “No kart wrecks, no thwackerballs, no spicy food… just a stroll through nature. And our team is so far in the lead we don’t even have to worry about losing!”

“Yeah. It’s really peaceful out here in spite of it all. Although technically we can still lose.”

“Wait, really?”

“Yeah, if Yakky doesn’t score any points, Spooky gets ten and Choo Choo gets fifteen, that would put us in last.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. And we’d probably be in the crosshairs for losing the lead.”

“… Oh…”

“But again, it’s not really super likely.”

“Right…” Benny said, turning around and making sure nobody was following them.

At about that time, Boo Boo stepped on a twig, making a loud, sharp snapping sound.

Benny leapt ten feet in the air and screamed “AHH! DON’T SHOOT ME, SPOOKY!” As soon as he landed back on the ground he bolted into the woods. As he ran, every leaf that brushed his fur felt like the graze of an arrow, and every rock he kicked aside would tumble about with a sound like a pursuer’s footfalls. In Benny’s panic, it wasn’t long at all before he tripped and crunched headfirst into a tree.

He flopped onto his back, the world spinning as he stared up at the tree’s trunk. In his dazed state, the knotholes and contours of the bark almost looked like a face… one that he could almost hear talking…

“Benny, my son,” said the Tree. “Why are you running?”

“It’s Spooky and Choo Choo, oh great Professor Oak!” he slurred, half-conscious. “They’re chasing me with sucker arrows!”

“I see… you will never outrun them, I am afraid.”

“Than what should I do?”

“You are thinking like a man, but are you not an animal? And in the domain of animals?”

“I… am… I see now…” Benny said as he sat up. “I understand what I must do… and soon the hunters will understand that they can’t catch me easily!”

***

“You know, after competing against you guys this past week, it’s nice to just coexist for once,” said Peter after he and Loopy had walked deep into the woods. “A Yogi Yahooey and a Really Rotten, finally working together!”

“Oui, truly a teamup for ze ages,” Loopy deadpanned.

There was an awkward silence for a little while before Peter asked “Sooo… you watch any anime?”

“No.”

Another pause followed before Peter added “I feel like The Disastrous Life of Saiki K would be a good fit for you.”

“Uh huh.”

“It’s a comedy about a psychic teenager who has to cope with his annoyi—”

“Hey, I ‘ave an idea! Let’s try quietly hiding from ze hunters. Like, wizout talking.”

“Ooh, that’s smart! Let me see what’s around here…” said Peter, looking around. “Hm… I don’t know if I can get up there, but maybe you can hide up in this tree?”

“You know, zat iz actually a pretty good spot,” said Loopy, looking up into the branches. “Alright. Give me a boost.”

He let her step into his hands and lifted her up to a low branch.

“Hm, I like zis,” she said as she inspected her perch. “It’s sturdy, it’s hard for people on ze ground to see me through ze leaves, zere is a giant beehive by my head, and… wait. AH!”

This wasn’t just a typical cartoon basketball-sized hive. Type in “giant beehive” on youtube, and you’ll get the idea. It was massive, hanging like a sheet along the underside of the branch above her. She panicked and jumped back out of the tree, but she smacked the hive with her tail on the way down. In her rush, she accidentally jumped onto Peter, and immediately afterward the hive fell and shattered over both of them. Immediately they were covered head to toe in honey, and bees rose like smoke from the broken hive.

Needless to say, they both ran away screaming. Loopy was running as fast as she had in her entire life, and Peter actually managed to keep pace (seriously, look up “hippopotamus running speed” since I already sent you down one research trip). In spite of the rough forest terrain and the countless stings they got, they were able to get plenty of distance from the bulk of the swarm. However, as soon as they thought they were safe, Peter tripped. He slammed into Loopy and sent them both rolling forward like a giant flesh-and-fur pinball. As they rolled, the honey they were covered in picked up sticks and rocks and everything else the forest had to offer on the way.

***

Spooky carefully crept through the woods, stalking her prey. Abruptly she stopped, sniffing the air…

Cat dander.

Left Guard deodorant.

A hint of lavender flea shampoo.

Benny.

She crouched down, stealthily moving toward the smell. A pawprint in the dirt confirmed that she was close.

That’s when she saw something hiding in a bush: a distinctive white amid the green. She took aim and loosed her arrow, and it struck its target perfectly.

However, rather than yelping in surprise like she expected him to do, Benny remained silent. Spooky watched on in confusion for a moment, then Benny slumped over and fell out of the foliage. Or rather, it was what she thought was Benny. What she actually hit was an effigy made of twigs and leaves that had been dressed in Benny’s cardigan.

Suddenly she heard a George-of-the-Jungle style yell from behind her. Before she could react, a foot slammed into her back, knocking her forward onto a patch of leaves hiding a pit trap. When she hit the bottom, she rolled over and saw Benny looking down at her, dangling from a vine and wearing nothing but his antlers and some camo paint.

“Ha! Fiend from the land of steel and lights, you dare intrude upon these sacred woods?” Benny shouted, “I was once as you were, blinded by material possessions and the lie of civilization. But nature has reclaimed me, and I have reclaimed the blessings of nature! And as long as there is wind in the leaves and roots in the soil, these woods shall preserve me against all weapons of man!”

Spooky was a difficult person to surprise, but Benny had just managed to give her the biggest flabbergasting of her life. Her first instinct was to point out to Benny that he’d painted himself in desert camo instead of green to match the forest. But before the words escaped her lips, they were overwritten with the burning question of where he had gotten the paint in the first place. But before she could ask that, she realized that she didn’t have time for talking at all and needed to shoot him.

But before she could do that, he ran away.

***

Back with Peter and Loopy, they hadn’t found any way to escape their honey ball as they rolled through the forest. Apparently their initial trek had been slightly uphill, so if anything they were picking up speed.

“Peter, can’t you grab a tree branch or stick your leg out or anyzhing?” Loopy begged, her own limbs firmly glued across Peter’s belly.

“Trust me, I’ve been trying!” Peter said.

“It’s probably for the best,” said Boo Boo, who was now stuck to Peter’s back. “You guys didn’t slow down at all when you hit me, so he’d probably just hurt himself.”

“Oh hey, Boo Boo joined the party!” Peter said. “I didn’t even notice we picked you up! Sorry about that.”

“It’s fine, it’s not the first time I’ve been stuck to a giant food Katamari, just the first time Yogi wasn’t involved.”

“A giant what?” asked Loopy.

Peter, on the other hand, gasped in excitement. “You play Katamari Damacy!?”

“Oh yeah, it’s an absolute classic!” Boo Boo said. “Me and Yogi play co-op mode all the time!”

“You know, since we’re here living the game in real life right now, would anyone object to me singing something off the OST?”

“Go for it!” cheered Boo Boo.

Loopy spoke up, “Please d—MMPH!” suddenly she was cut off when the honey ball rolled into Cindy, coincidentally jamming the poor bear’s elbow across Loopy’s mouth and gagging her.

Peter beamed with joy at hearing Loopy’s only complete word. “Wow! I honestly didn’t expect Loopy to be on board! Best day ever! Any requests?”

“’Ow abou’ ‘ou ‘u’ing ‘e ‘ell u’?” Loopy tried to growl out.

“WHAT’S HAPPENING?!” Cindy howled.

“Katamari on the Swing!” said Boo Boo.

“Oh I love that one!” said Peter. “Okay Mr. Sunshine! NA, NAA NA NA NA, NA NAA NAA NAA NA, KATAMARI DAMACY! NA, NAA NA NA NA, NA NAA NAA NAA NA, KATAMARI ON ZA SWING! NA, NAA NA NA NA, NA NAA NAA NAA NA, KATAMARI DAMACY! NA, NAA NA NA NA, NA NAA NAA NAA NA, KATAMARI ON ZA SWING! IMA HAJIMARU YO KIMI TO BOKU NOOOOOOOOOO MIKAITEN ADOBENCHA!”

All the while, Boo Boo was bobbing his head to the beat, Cindy was screaming in terror, Loopy was screaming in frustration, and their impromptu katamari kept rolling onward with absolutely no mechanism to stop or steer as it reached potentially life-threatening speeds.

***

Meanwhile, Augie was making her own way through the forest, trying to figure out how to make herself an easy target for Yakky but a hard one for Choo Choo. Suddenly, she heard some foliage rustling behind her. She turned to see Yakky searching just beyond some shrubs. She hadn’t even seen Augie yet.

Augie beamed and shouted out a fake “Oh no! Yakky is here and she’s about to catch me!” As Yakky turned to look, Augie pretended to swoon and fall to her knees. “Now there is nothing to stop her from exacting her revenge on me for all of those accidents that I’m really really sorry for! I can only hope that the completely unavoidable arrowing I’m about to get will be enough to make things right between us!”

Yakky smiled. “Okay, Augie. I get it. You don’t have to do this for me though. I told you I trust you.”

“If I was faking, which I’m totally not, I still think you deserve to get something good in this game!”

Yakky stepped out from behind the shrubs so they wouldn’t block her shot and took careful aim at Augie. As soon as she released the arrow…

“OH SUMAIRO KIKOERU YO! TOKAI NO SHARETA SWINGU BEAT! ODOROU YO DANCE, DANCE, DANCE!”

A big ball of honey, debris, and hapless contestants came along, rolling right between Augie and Yakky. The arrow struck someone on the ball, eliciting a muffled, French sounding squeal.

Augie blinked in shock. “What the shrimp was that!?”

Yakky shouted out “Augie! Did you mean for that thing to squash me!?”

“What? No, of course not! How could I have planned that? I don’t even know what that was!”

Yakky shook with anger and sadness. “Save it!” she threw her bow and arrows on the ground and kicked them. “I don’t even wanna play anymore! This stupid game has made you a monster!” She ran away crying.

“Yakky wait! No!” Augie shouted as she chased after her. “It’s all been accidents! I promise!”

***

“Jeez, where is everyone?” Choo Choo wondered as she frantically searched the forest. “Spooky’s probably already got someone by now… I gotta at least avoid coming back empty handed… Wait, what’s that?”

Nearby, she could hear something, like scratching and digging. She moved closer and found a pit in the ground, with Spooky inside trying to climb out. However, every time Spooky got close to the surface, the wall would crumble in her claws and dump her back to the bottom.

“Spooky, what are you doing down there?” Choo Choo asked. Then she noticed the effigy with Benny’s clothes lying nearby and she started putting the clues together. Still, if it wasn’t for Benny shouting his battle cry as he swung from the vine, she likely wouldn’t have been able to dodge in time. She dove out of the way and could feel the rush of wind as Benny whooshed paster her, no more than a centimeter away from her back.

After failing to knock Choo Choo into the pit, Benny leapt off the vine and swiftly darted up a tree. “Excellent reflexes, Choo Choo! But they will only help you so much against my new powers!” He leapt into another tree. “Just like the clever walking leaf or the deft chameleon, I can perfectly blend into my surroundings! Am I over here?” He jumped into another tree. “Or am I over here?” He leapt again. “You’ll never fi—”

TWANG!

One of Choo Choo’s arrows stuck him right in the chest.

Benny shrieked and collapsed to the ground, writhing in what would have been agony if that had been an actual arrow. “But how!? My camouflage was perfect!”

“Yeah, it would have been if it was the right color. Now put your clothes back on, we’re on TV.”

“Aww… at least I avoided Spooky,” Benny moped as he went to retrieve his shirt.

“Yeah. You got her stuck good, didn’t ya?” Choo Choo noted, looking down into the pit.

Spooky reached up, begging to be let out.

“Sorry, Spooky,” said Choo Choo, “I can’t afford to lose this lead.”

“I do feel bad for her though,” said Benny. “Our teams are gonna have an easy time with this while she sits here and hopes that somehow a deer just rolls into the pit.”

“SHISEN WA KUGIZUKE SA KIMI TO KATAMARITA!”

“Uh, what’s that?” asked Choo Choo.

“Ooh, Katamari Damacy, I love that game!” said Benny

“HUTARI WA UNMEI NO NAKA NI MAKIKOMARETANDAAAAA YEAH, OKAY MISTER SUNSHI— OOF!” the katamari burst through the trees, only stopping when it rolled into the hole, plugging it. Regardless of whether or not the hunters could understand was was happening, they couldn’t ignore their prey. The only thing Spooky could hit from in the hole was Peter’s backside, which she quickly shot. Boo Boo and Cindy on the other hand were stuck outside the hole and were easy targets for Choo Choo.

Almost immediately after, Yakky stomped out of the woods while Augie hurried behind her. “Yakky, please! Listen to m—” Augie pleaded before being silenced by the surprise of one of Choo Choo’s arrows pegging her in the forehead.

“And that wraps it up, folks!” Snagglepuss said as he and Mildew stepped out of the woods as well. “Choo Choo has hit all four of the other teams’ deer, putting the Yogi Yahooeys at a staggering thirty five points! The other teams get five points each, not that it changes much. The Scooby Doobies have thirty and the Really Rottens have twenty three. That means the Really Rottens will be up for elimination!”

“Good job getting us all in one spot for her, Peter!” said Cindy as she tried to peel herself off of him. “You are so dead!”

***

The Really Rottens’ first loss had been hard all around. Jabberjaw’s head had been throbbing all day, and she still had to wear an ice pack. Reddyset blamed himself for his loss, even after Cindy sheepishly assured him that it was her own fault. Spooky was embarrassed at how hard she’d underestimated Benny. Even Fancy, who’d done pretty well in his challenge, was starting to become concerned after he found some fan mail left for him outside his room: specifically a novella worth of love letters, all from Skids, and all sent within the two hours since he’d last seen her.

Augie was the worst off by far though. After falling out with Yakky, she was so distraught that she locked herself in a closet and cried for over half an hour. By the time she calmed down and decided to ask Doggie Daddy for advice, he and the rest of the Yahooeys had left the hotel to enjoy their victory. He hadn’t even gotten to find out about her problem.

Naturally, the next step was to go to Yakky directly and keep trying to apologize. Augie went to Yakky’s room and nervously knocked on the door. It barely cracked open and Yakky peeked out.

“Go away, Augie, I don’t want to talk to you,” Yakky said. She tried slamming the door, but Augie pushed back to hold it open.

“Yakky, please! I promise it wasn’t my fault!”

Shag’s face appeared from behind the door too. “Yakky, let me handle this.”

“You’re in there too?” Augie asked.

“Yeah, I’m kinda playing the shoulder to cry on in here,” he said. “Look, Aug, I just had a whole mini character arc today about how what you get from a relationship is the same stuff that you put into it or whatever. Point is, I’d love it if you two made up, but first Yakky needs to get over bing knifed in the back again, and more importantly you need to learn how to play nice. If you’re sorry, prove it next challenge.”

“But I—” Before Augie could finish, Shag managed to push the door shut and locked it.

***

A while later, the Really Rottens voted and gathered in the auditorium for their first elimination ceremony.

“And here we have the end of an era: the catastrophic first loss of the Really Rottens!” Snagglepuss said. “Finally living up to their name, eh? Cindy must really be kicking herself, she’s been in first place since the kart race, and then spent days to build a robot just for it to get trounced by a desk jockey! Not to mention Augie and Spooky, really dropping the ball right at the last minute. Augie even managed to lose her best friend in the—”

“I uh… think they get the point, Snag,” said Mildew, gesturing subtly toward Augie who looked like she might start tearing up again.

“True, everyone here does remember what happened… Besides, recaps are best done with video editing! And stock sound effects, even!”

The camera cut to a replay of Reddyset getting lanced in the face and backflipping, with the flip looped repeatedly before he fell to the ground with a honk sound. Then came a video of Jabberjaw flailing around on her horse, sped up to exaggerate the chaos. Finally they showed Spooky getting kicked into the hole by Benny with an added Wilhelm Scream. All of this was naturally accompanied by Benny Hill music.

“Wait, I just realized something,” said Jabberjaw, looking around at her teammates. “Where’s Peter?”

Fancy Fancy shrugged. “After the challenge he went to take a shower to get all that honey off, but other than that I haven’t seen him.”

“Oh, he’s off in town with the Yogi Yahooeys,” said Mildew.

“Wait, what!?” said Cindy.

“You of all people should know,” said Snagglepuss. “You picked him to join them.”

“That was just for that challenge!”

“Yes… but the elimination is part of the challenge. You’ll have him back in the next episode.”

“Oh! Well, if he’s not here, I need to change my vote then,” said Reddyset.

“Yeah, me too,” said Fancy.

Snagglepuss shook his head. “Nope, no changing votes. We can’t just have do-overs every time someone doesn’t pay attention.”

“Sorry for the miscommunication,” Mildew said, actually looking sorry. “Any votes for Peter will just have to be thrown out, I’m afraid. Actually, there was only one vote that wasn’t for him this time, so whoever didn’t pick him will determine the whole elimination.”

Fear spread throughout the Rottens as they wondered who cast that vote—and who it was cast for.

Cindy looked nervously at Fancy.

Fancy looked nervously at Jabberjaw.

Jabberjaw looked nervously at Reddyset.

Reddyset looked nervously at Spooky.

Spooky looked straight ahead without showing emotion.

Augie burst out “Why is everyone looking at me!?”

“Anyway,” said Snagglepuss, “If I call your name, you’re safe and can come take a bronze medal! We have one for Fancy Fancy, Jabberjaw, Augie, and… Reddyset!”

As the safe players took their medals, Snagglepuss grinned mischievously at the last two. If Spooky was nervous about being in the final two, then she didn’t show it. If Cindy was nervous about being in the final two, then… well, she did show it. With lots of shivering and sweat.

After an uncomfortable pause, Snagglepuss finally spoke. “Cindy, y--”

“YES! Doctor Cindy Bear lives another day!” Cindy said, leaping with excitement.

“Wait wait wait, lemmie finish! Cindy, you have done quite a lot for your team. However, upgrading Reddy and giving Peter to the Yahooeys both ended up backfiring. The only success your team had was in the round you had nothing to do with. Meanwhile, Spooky, you had one job and you botched it, specifically losing to Benny of all people. Given your reputation, I think it’s safe to say that it was an underdog victory. Still, what happened happened and a loss is a loss. With all that said, the final medal goes to…”

Cindy’s teeth chattered.

Spooky was silent… then let out a tiny, barely audible “gulp.”

…

…

…

…

…

“Cindy.”

“YES!” Cindy shouted. “YES I SURVI—wait, this is actually the real thing this time, right?”

“Yes it is.”

“YES!” Cindy ran to the rest of her team and hugged a surprised Jabberjaw out of sheer excitement.

“Sorry Spooky,” said Snagglepuss. “Better luck next time.”

“Any parting words for us?” asked Mildew.

Spooky turned toward the rest of the Really Rottens, with special attention toward Fancy. She opened her mouth… but only to grin as she gave a salute. She then plummeted into the Trapdoor of Disgrace without making a sound.

***

After the elimination ceremony, the Really Rottens all went their separate ways to process the loss. In particular, Augie went to a conference room, making sure nobody else was around before entering.

“How did the elimination go?” came the voice of Bobbie Looey. She was sitting at the head of a long table, cloaked in the shadows.

“I got one. It was a bit of a fluke with how the votes went, but I took out Spooky.” She turned on the lights before walking past dozens of chairs to sit right next to Bobbie. “Um… why are you sitting alone in the dark? And so far away from the door?”

“Uh… mostly just atmosphere…” Bobbie said, letting her aura of mastermind energy slip. “But you got her already? That’s good, I wasn’t expecting such an immediate payoff. Of course, Fancy Fancy is still an issue, but now that he’s isolated I’d say the job is more than halfway done.”

“What about Yakky? Did she forgive me?”

“It will take a bit of time, but the gears are in motion. She didn’t really want to talk to anyone except Shag today, but I’m going to see if I can convince El Kabong to help move things along.”

Augie sighed. “That’s good then. And thank you again. You’ve always been a hero to me, but if you can save my friendship, it would be the best thing in the world.” She stood up and gave Bobbie a great big hug.

“Uh, you’re quite welcome,” Bobbie said, awkwardly patting Augie’s head and looking unsure of what to do with her other arm.

“I’m gonna go to bed now though,” said Augie, breaking the hug. “It’s been a really rough day.”

“Alright,” Bobbie said, smiling despite herself as Augie left. “Sleep well. And don’t worry, I doubt Yakky will stay mad for long. Oh, but could you dim the lights again on your way out? My machinations are going pretty well right now so I’d like to steeple my fingers and chuckle confidently as the episode ends.”

“Sure thing!” Augie said as she did so.

Once Bobbie was alone again, she made good on her plans and filled the room with sinister laughter until she ended up ruining it by sneezing right as the screen cut to black.

Vote breakdown

Augie Doggie: Spooky

Cindy Bear: Peter Potamus (Invalid)

Fancy Fancy: Peter Potamus (Invalid)

Jabberjaw: Peter Potamus (Invalid)

Peter Potamus: (Absent)

Reddyset: Peter Potamus (Invalid)

Spooky: Peter Potamus (Invalid)

Spooky has been eliminated.

17 contestants remain.