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Doyoung awoke to the incessant knocking on the door, confused because he was expecting absolutely no one at almost three in the morning, he got up from his warm bed and slipping on his plush slippers and a loose sweatshirt he found within reach, hurried to answer the still persistent knock on his door.
On his way he moved to the kitchen and reached for the bread roller on the table, he could at least use it as a weapon since he didn't know who it was.
He grabbed the wooden device and took a deep breath before removing the locks and opening the door.
He almost let out a laugh except he didn't want to make any more fuss. But seeing Johnny stumble over his own feet due to previously leaning his weight on the door, and almost fall face first to the floor, cheered him up.
Especially when the unmistakable scent of alcohol reached his senses, the brunette was drunk, by the facades, the time and his unfocused little eyes, he had probably had more to drink than he normally resisted.
He went over to him and helped him support his own weight, he dropped the bread roller somewhere to hold it up and keep the man from hitting the floor.
"God, John, you're too heavy, and too drunk." He said, not expecting a response since the boy was barely breathing.
"You're right, I'm probably very drunk." Johnny slurred the words, alcoholic. Doyoung shivered at his darker-than-usual tone.
The American stepped away from his support and leaned awkwardly back against the now open door against the wall, taking a deep breath and stared at Doyoung as hard as his cloudy eyes could.
"Doyoung... Doie, this is a mistake." He continued stammering, for a second sounding sober enough that, if Doyoung didn't know better, he could tell he was just faking drunkenness.
"Waking me up at inhuman hours? Yes, it's a mistake." Doyoung crossed his arms, in view of the fact that he wouldn't need to come to the brunette's aid any time soon, and because he was cold, the air in the corridor was icy. "Did you drink with Sehun and Chanyeol?" A silly nod answered him, "God, they should stop hanging out together after the office, seriously." He scolded.
"Dongyoung." The man named was surprised that Johnny told him his full name, it didn't usually happen. "When morning comes, I might act like I can't remember" The words came out stumbling and very stuck together from the tall man's mouth. "And I'll become uncomfortable and silly around you."
Doyoung furrowed his eyebrows, he didn't understand what Johnny was saying, normally, when he saw him drunk, it was just a giant bear, heavy and cloying, falling asleep wherever he could fall and singing songs in Spanish. This kind of drunk Johnny was different.
"What are you talking about?" He asked.
"Doyoung, tonight there is something I absolutely have to tell you." The seriousness in his eyes and in his shaky words scared him. Johnny was only serious when he was working or when there was bad news.
"Okay, John, you're scaring me, come here." Doyoung stretched his arms out to get closer to him and taking his hands led him inside the apartment.
He closed the door with his foot, making a mental note to return to lock it later. Doyoung led the tall man to the couches, dropping him on one of them and sitting down next to him.
"First, I apologize for my current state" The brunette man let himself lean back on the comfortable sofa, closing his eyes and speaking slowly. "But please don't think I'm only saying this because I'm drunk."
"Johnny? Did something bad happen?" He ventured to ask, the way that Johnny was talking was getting on his nerves. That he didn't look him in the eyes, as he always did, was more desperate.
Johnny only shook his head, slowly, moving and looking towards the turned off TV in front of them.
"It's just that... Whenever I'm in front of you, I try and try to tell you" He put a hand to his head, as if in pain. "But I end up deflecting the subject or saying the opposite." Hee rested his elbows on his knees to support his face and looked at the boy next to him.
"Johnny, I'm not understanding anything." Doyoung swung his legs up onto the couch to hug them, turning on his side. Unconsciously pouting.
Kim wanted to believe he was just saying random things because of the state he was in, but the decisive look in his eyes was as sober as he was.
"I even regret it and turn away because I don't have the courage." Johnny continued, in a quiet whisper, his voice suddenly steady, free of the haze of alcohol. Doyoung wondered again if he really was drunk.
"And you're going to say it now? "He questioned with a growing smile, more relaxed because apparently the matter was not as serious as he had thought.
"Yes. Right now." Johnny replied, blinking several times to clear his head, reaching out with the hand that wasn't holding his head and reached for Doyoung's hand.
A soft, warm, complicit midnight touch. Doyoung let it be, Johnny's ever-warming hand was one of his favorite things in the world.
"Doyoung…" He called him back. "How long have we known each other?"
He pondered for a few seconds. Remembering. The first time he saw Johnny was in college, in his sophomore year, he was president of his class and used to help his faculty committee. So, when the new exchange kid from the States arrived, he was given the task of guiding him and bringing him up to speed.
Johnny knew nothing but a few phrases in Korean despite being a native Korean, so becoming dependent on Doyoung was inevitable. Either way, the boy didn't mind.
Johnny was so kind to him and always thanked him for everything with sweets and butter rolls. They became friends because of that, even though they no longer needed the guides or translations, they stayed together. They had more friends, yes, but they had always been each other's number one from the beginning.
And even after five years, they were still inseparable. They had different jobs, but they always found time to spend together, even talked about moving in together.
Johnny's friends and officemates used to tease them, telling them they looked like a married couple, that they should wear wedding rings, that they could do with a house with a garden and lots of kids. Doyoung laughed along with Johnny, but he couldn't help thinking to himself that that's exactly what he wished for. A life with Johnny, to be able to kiss him, to say pretty words to him.
And he sighed, because it only remained a silly wish, because he was sure that Johnny didn't see it the same way.
"At least a little more than five years, why?" He answered. He settled his free arm on the back of the couch and supported his head with the help of his hand. Looking carelessly at his left hand joined with Johnny's, watching also as he brought them close to his face, leaving him a soft and chaste kiss on the back of it. Tickling him, and perhaps a blush.
"Five years, eight months and maybe twelve days." Johnny counted. Doyoung let out a chuckle at how accurate that was. "And during all that time, and from the very beginning, I've been loving you."
The aforementioned, when he understood what was said, held his breath in his throat, opening his eyes wide, sleep suddenly out and far away from his body. Doyoung watched Johnny still in front of him, silent, a shiver running down his spine and feeling all his limbs begin to tremble. A panicked chuckle came involuntarily from his throat. Drawing the attention of the American who looked back at him. And once again, he again doubted the boy's alcoholic state, because his eyes were so clear and sincere that he was speechless.
Releasing the brunette's hand was an involuntary act as in quick movements he rose from the couch and with panic still locked in his throat headed for the kitchen of his apartment. He needed to focus his attention on something else to avoid going crazy. He turned on the kitchen light and as if programmed on autopilot, began moving things around on the light wood countertop.
He heard Johnny's slow footsteps behind him as he entered the kitchen in the same way, and trying not to drown in his presence, he turned on the toaster as well as the coffee maker.
"Doyoung... I know my stupid confection looks like a joke." Still turning his back on him, Doyoung closed his eyes when he didn't hear a single alcoholic note in Johnny's voice. Nerves growing inside him.
"That's what it sounds like John." He whispered back, for though his lovesick heart was feasting inside him, there was that little part in his head that reminded him that the man was drunk, that he might not even remember that talk at dawn.
He would not let his poor heart entertain illusions, no more than those he had harbored for years.
Doyoung was startled when the toaster announced the bread was ready, he looked at the tiled wall in front of him without really looking at it, noting how long they had been silent. He swallowed a sigh and, not wanting to disturb the silence, pulled out the toast.
He was about to turn so he could fetch plates from the shelf on the other side but Johnny, so used to that house, that kitchen and the black hair's routines, stepped forward, taking the plates on his own, on the way a couple of cups, and in the quiet, expectant silence they had created, he approached to Doyoung, placing things on the counter, helping him prepare the hot drinks, coffee for himself and a sachet of tea for Doyoung.
"I probably won't be able to do anything like this again." Clinging to his courage and that alibi of alcohol, he continued speaking. "This isn't something I'm just saying just because."
"Johnny, stop it, you're drunk." He tried to restrain him, he didn't need pretty words when they were influenced by drink.
"No. Doyoung, I've kept this quiet for years." Johnny finished stirring the sugar in the cup and carefully setting the spoon aside, turned to face the black-haired man. Watching Doyoung's hands tremble as he spread the fudge on the buns, he couldn't help but smile. Just as he couldn't help but reach out a hand to rest it on Doyoung's waist, which twitched as if the touch had given him static, even dropping the dull knife, causing a clatter of metal.
Johnny cared little, reaching out his other hand to finish wrapping it around his waist and pull him closer to his body. The glowing look Doyoung gave him, he would keep in his heart for all eternity. He had to increase his grip on the boy's waist in a gesture of restraint as he watched him catch his pretty, delicate lower lip between his teeth, a representation of that nervous tic he knew all too well Doyoung had. The urge to throw all that paraphernalia overboard and kiss him all at once being more overwhelming.
"I really like you, Doyoung. Very much." He continued speaking instead. "I can't remember exactly when it started, but I can tell you, for sure, that every day that goes by this feeling doesn't go away." He kept his voice low, loving the intimate and comfortable atmosphere that settled around them. "It actually increases. It's a ripple that started your smile so many years ago and I don't know when or where it will end. I don't want to know."
"Johnny…" Doyoung whispered, his eyes so bright and deep that the tall man could see his own universe in them. Doyoung's left hand came up to rest on Johnny's chest, seeking support, seeking his touch to know that this was not just another dream.
"I've wanted to tell you a hundred times. I've wanted to kiss you twice as many times." Johnny moved a little closer, the need to feel the boy throbbing under his skin. "But like the coward that I am, I never had the courage to do it, today these drinks and a chaotic speech from the boys were the push I needed." He confessed as he brought his right hand up to Doyoung's face, caressing his cheek devotedly, enjoying his warmth and that dazzled gaze.
"How do I know you're serious?" Doyoung asked in a whisper, hesitantly closing the distance between their bodies, his heart racing as only Johnny could provoke.
Johnny took a couple of seconds to try to answer that question, moving his hand as he stroked Doyoung's face, barely outlining his lips with his thumb, gaining the balck-haired man's full attention in that gesture, feeling the soft tremble of them.
Deciding that actions carried more weight than words, he leaned down just a few inches, the distance he always believed would be necessary to kiss Doyoung being accurate.
He replaced the touch of his finger with his own mouth, closing his eyes as he felt Doyoung's lovely warmth, that softness that his reddish lips boasted so much, and he wanted more. The hand that still gripped the black-haired man's waist became more possessive, circling him as he moved the other to the nape of his neck, where he held it to kiss him as it should be. Hearing a sigh that sounded more like a gasp come from Doyoung as he moved his lips to break through, tasting his flavor, letting him taste yours just the same, let him learn of that white lie he'd arrived within the wee hours of the morning.
He knew the moment where Doyoung understood the matter when he moved his hands around his neck, one of them snaking through his hair and clinging in place. Johnny had always imagined what it would be like to kiss Doyoung, it was one of his favorite and most frustrating pastimes, but never in all the stretch of imagination Johnny's head could grant him could it be as wonderful, warm and exquisite as experiencing it in person.
Doyoung's lips were an elixir on Earth, so soft, rich and warm, with those little, even melodic sounds coming out between them in demonstration of how much he was loving it when Johnny used his tongue, invading his mouth and tangling it with his.
He wished someone had told him long ago of all that he was missing. Kissing Doyoung was his new reason for living.
Doyoung was the first to pull away, with closed eyes and flushed cheeks he parted his mouth from Johnny's, bringing their foreheads together instead, catching his breath and remembering the right way to think. For if before the mere presence of Johnny stunned him, getting his kisses would melt his brain.
He couldn't help but lick the moisture that had remained on his lips under Johnny's watchful gaze, who kissed him softer, a snapping touch, full of adoration.
"Your outrageous entrance was your best performance." Doyoung commented when his head was able to function again, being the only thing he wanted to clear up to begin with, since he hadn't tasted a drop of alcohol in the american man's mouth. He opened his eyes and felt overwhelmed by the infinity of love he found in Johnny's.
"It was part of the plan, as well as Chanyeol throwing a drink on me." He winked at him as he wrapped both arms around his waist. "You know, the whole part or nothing."
"Was your confession part of it too?" His voice came out small and hesitant, if Johnny was acting all that out he could never forgive him, at least not in his heart.
"That's the only real thing." Johnny said in a whisper against his lips, brushing them as he spoke. "So as this night moves on and turns to dawn, I think I could hold you in my arms and tell you that I love you."
Doyoung couldn't hold back the smile that painted his face, he closed his eyes to keep any excited tears from parading out, instead he hid further in Johnny's arms and found his place on his shoulder, rubbing his nose against his neck like a kitten, enjoying his scent and perfume away from the alcoholic smell of his clothes.
"Why are you just smiling?" Johnny asked after a few seconds. Doyoung didn't answer, he loosened his grip around Johnny and when Johnny got the message that they could let go, he simply went about finishing the toast and arranging it on the small ceramic plates.
"Do you still think this is a joke?" Asked the brown-haired man from behind his back, speaking into his ear, causing him to shiver and stifle a gasp.
Doyoung continued at his task, breaking the pieces in half and when he was done, he picked up both plates, giving the chestnut a glance at him and then at the still steaming cups. Turning in place and leaving the kitchen at a leisurely pace, returning to where they had started that strange confession. He placed the dishes on the small rattan table and watched Johnny mimic his movements.
"Why don't you say anything?" Doyoung smiled warmly at him but did not sit down next to him, he turned on his feets again, this time walking down the hallway that led to the bedrooms, heading for his room in the silence of the hallway. He quickly searched inside his closet and retraced his steps.
When he was back in the living room and with Johnny's confused look on his face, he threw him the sweatshirt and pajama pants he had brought from his room, clothes that belonged to Johnny and that he used to leave behind when he stayed at the place. The american still reflecting how lost he was, he undid the buttons of his white work shirt, changing into those more comfortable, cleaner clothes as he watched Doyoung return to his side.
Of course Doyoung wouldn't miss the show, he hungrily absorbed the image of Johnny taking off his formal, dirty clothes in front of him, so used to each other's presence, and yet Doyoung couldn't help but appreciate the time that Johnny was investing in the gym, next to that naturally toasty skin. Sighing, he sat back down next to the man fussing with his system, pretending that this didn't affect him and instead, curling up against the couch, picking up the TV remote and turning it on, scanning for channels under Johnny's watchful eye, at least to get some background noise, and when he finally found a movie outside of the repetitive commercials, he put down the remote to pick up his own plate, pretending not to feel the brown-haired man's gaze.
"Talk to me, baby." Johnny asked, his voice pouty and anxious. He even grabbed the black-haired man's arm to get his attention. Doyoung let out an amused chuckle, absolutely loving Johnny's syrupy attitude.
However, he didn't comply with the request, still smiling he reached for his cup of tea, leaning back in the armchair, then watching the man he love, Johnny, getting his attention, fluttered in place and leaned back against the back of the sofa, being all beady-eyed and lovey-dovey.
"It was just a joke, Doyoung" He whispered. "About being drunk." He clarified hurriedly, moving his hand to touch the black-haired man's arm again. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, but it's just that whenever I was in front of you I would always psyche myself up to tell you, but I always ended up saying the opposite, or some other stupid thing."
"Now that I think about it, yes, I feel that there were many occasions where we could have said it." Doyoung answered softly, feeling his skin bristle where Johnny's fingers were caressing his arm.
"And I know my confession is a little stupid now."
"It is." He agreed, smiling and taking a sip of his tea.
"But Doyoung, this isn't something I tell just anyone. I'm not that kind of man."
"I know." He said again, repeating his action.
"But I really have to confess to you that I have always, from the beginning, loved you, and very much." At that last confession, Johnny was already back quite close to Doyoung, whispering in his ear, leaning his head on his shoulder. "I'm sorry I keep saying the same words as before, but tonight I want to tell you all that I've been holding back." he said.
Doyoung was silent, enjoying Johnny's warm breath against his neck with full intent. He raised his right hand to Johnny's face, where he caressed as he had done with himself moments before in the kitchen. His left hand clutched at the hot mug so he wouldn't drop it.
"And now that I've said it, I can never shut up the fact that I love you, baby." Johnny reached out a hand to move the teacup out of the way, carelessly placing it back on the table, focusing again on holding Doyoung's pretty face in his hands. "I really do."
"I love being able to tell you that now, too, I know." He mused back, delighted with that affectionate nickname, his attention focused on Johnny's soft lips, his own hands cupping his face to draw him closer. "Because I love you too."
He didn't allow Johnny to respond any further, the need to kiss him becoming more insistent. Doyoung did not understand how he had lived so long without having kissed the man, how he had gone through life with his heart half-beating, his mind half-existing, his lips without that precious contact. Johnny kissed him so softly, so deeply and so brimming with that love he professed that it caused his emotions to boil and his eyes to mist over with tears. Johnny's soft, fluffy lips tangled with his as if they had done this for hundreds of lifetimes. Her soul recognizes Johnny's.
Johnny followed leaving soft, delicate kisses all over his face after pulling away in search of oxygen, Doyoung opened his eyes, suddenly noticing that in the midst of those kisses he ended up being laid across the length of the couch, Johnny on top of him without becoming invasive or rough. He cupped his face again with both hands to kiss his lips once more.
"We should go to bed." Doyoung murmured against Johnny's lips. He let out a soft chuckle in consequence at how suggestive that had sounded. He then received a small smack against his arm to silence him, eliciting another, louder laugh. "To sleep. Johnny Suh."
Doyoung, however, would not be denied whatever that early morning would have in store for them.