Work Text:
Dear Toby,
I saw you today.
I was walking down Main Street, running a few errands for my mom's election, and then there you were. I saw you only a few moments before you saw me. But those moments stretched out so long it felt like the world had stopped moving and I was caught in time. Long enough for me to see so many things.
It wasn't just what I noticed about you though. When time stood still, I was sucked in to a daydream, the way I always am when I see you. To some made up story, an alternate reality in my head, where your character still loves me. And just for that moment, I wanted to live forever inside my head— before ten years go by and you forget me. In this reality, we never turned our backs on each other, and our story didn't end; I fell in love with your smile, your blue eyes still adore me, and we always say we're sorry. In this dream, I'm walking down the aisle, and you're standing at the end, waiting for me. I'm wearing a white dress, and I'm finally not afraid anymore. As I'm looking in your eyes, your lips speak the promises I long to hear and my heart is yours to take. I feel you all around as you promise you'll never leave me; and because it's you, I know you won't take back your word, and I know you mean every word you said. This is what it would feel like for all to be right in the world.
But then you weren't alone anymore and the daydream ripped before my eyes— and as time started to move again, the harsh truth hit me and it felt like a physical blow. I may have seen you a few days ago, but this...this was the first time I saw you with her.
I didn't expect it to feel the way it did when I saw you together. I mean, it's been three years. It shocked me just how badly it hurt. I knew I'd see you with her at some point. Rosewood is not big enough for me to avoid it. And of course, she's the daughter of my mom's competitor, which would have made impossible, inevitable. But I was not prepared for the way my heart would ache at the sight of you in her arms. Yet... I know why.
You looked happier.
There you were, hand in hand, and she said something that made you laugh. I hadn't realized just how long it had been since I had seen you truly laugh like that. As I watched you, I saw that both your smiles were twice as wide as ours had ever been, and I knew exactly why. My life has always been tangled in chaos, but her life was simple. Normal. It must be so much easier with her. And we both know, it was never easy with me. We had to fight for every moment together. So how could I have ever expected you to be truly happy with me? Turmoil was my reality, and you were my calm in the storm. But I didn't have to be yours. I was the storm. You deserved so much more, so much better, than that anyway. I may not have had a say in the state of my life, but you had a choice, and for some reason I'll never understand... you chose me. You continued to choose me, even when I gave you every reason not to.
And then you saw me, and a shock of pain flowed through me, so strongly I felt it down to my toes. Because there it was— your insouciance. You looked so carefree, as if we'd never happened at all; or at least had never meant anything to you. Because I knew there was no conceivable way I could be so cavalier in your presence. Not when you had been my reason for breathing when I'd never wanted to again.
And yet, with the way things ended with us, maybe it was my own fault. Because I know the story. I don't have to read between the lines. I was there. I lived it. I know that no one has ever hurt as badly as I hurt you. But, no one could ever love you as deeply as I do, either. Despite all that, I always knew you'd fall for someone new, and I promise you, I won't begrudge you for it. You, of all people, deserve the most deep, beautiful love out there. The girls tell me one day I'll find that too... and true to my nature, I just smile to hide the truth: that I know I was happier with you than I could ever be with anyone else. It doesn't matter how much time passes, or who I meet, nothing could ever measure up to what we had, and what I felt, when I was with you.
While I know, I don't deserve you, and she probably actually does, no one could ever need you the way I do; because Toby, I am still in love with you. I really do hope you're happy... I just hope that maybe...you were happier with me too. And that's all so selfish. That's why I've never told you before.
And I know. I know, regardless of that, I've had three years of opportunities to say this, but I never could because, you are better off without me. Aren't you?
I suppose maybe it doesn't matter anymore. What does matter, is the way I need to bury this. I can't keep dredging up the past and pulling you there with me, even if you aren't aware of it. Did you know that I called you again? I got your voicemail. It's better that way. I was lonely, and more than anything, I missed having a friend in you. You were my best friend and it hurt to lose trhat almost more than it hurt to lose the rest of you. I don't know why I keep on behaving like things haven't changed as much as I know they have. Why I keep on thinking that we're friends; because we don't really talk anymore, and I'm sorry for that. I know that it's good for us both... because you loved me more than I ever deserved from you; because all I do is hurt you, all I do is cause you pain.
And if I could tell you any of this, that should be the end of it, but I've never known when to stop talking. I guess it's easier to fool myself into believing I still have a piece of you than to accept that I lost you. I had all and then most of you, some, and now none of you. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, because I'm still haunted by the ghost of you; the ghost of us. This is a bed of my own making, and I'll sleep in it alone because I refuse to suck you back into the void of my life that has, countless times, almost destroyed yours.
Spencer folded up the paper and sat back in her chair, fingers absently tapping the page against her desk. She let out a slow breath before rising from her chair and pulling out a box from her suitcase. She brought this box with her every time she went on a trip, knowing she'd likely add to it. Opening it carefully, she straightened out the many, many folded pages inside; identical to the one in her hand. Spencer gave the letter one last look before slipping it into the box with all the other letters she'd written. The letters she knew she'd never send, and he'd never see.