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When the rains arrive, mid-May, the heat doesn’t subside, it pauses - a hard hit on the break pedal, a few moments of reprieve and a full acceleration back into the hot humid thick of the summer. Seungmin likes to think about love like that - the brief solace of cool rains amidst the cruel, harsh 40 degree days that stretches on to sweaty nights. There’s something heady about even the worst parts of it - a summer high. Like Jeongin, who lives in the apartment above him, stomping around what Seungmin assumes must be his living room so loudly at unimaginably late hours that most nights it gives Seungmin palpitations but on some rare occasions, when Seungmin is having a quiet internal breakdown about another deadline, the stomps and its reverbations along the roof helps Seungmin keep his calm. Jeongin is also pretty and kind, or so his warm smiles make Seungmin feel he is. See, the problem is Seungmin doesn’t know much about Jeongin, other than the fact that he is a college undergrad who often has friends around but never cause a nuisance for the neighbors - so either he doesn’t party at all or he must party very quietly. Seungmin thinks about that sometimes- about all the people who come around - women, men, long haired long nailed high heeled ones, leather jacket wearing high boots wearing dark eyed ones. Seungmin doesn’t have friends, or to be more accurate, Seungmin doesn’t have friends anymore. Hyunjin visits sometimes, when he’s feeling benevolent enough but it’s more out of obligation than friendship - Hyunjin feels obligated to let Seungmin know that he doesn’t have to rot alone in the loneliness Hyunjin thinks he has created himself. So Seungmin thinks about Jeongin’s friends, filling up the elevator, chatting loudly with each other, all dolled up, clearly inebriated, probably after attending some party, as Seungmin stands in the corner of the metal box dead tired after another late night shift, pretending to scroll through his phone when the only person who contacts him semi regularly is his pharmacist - the thought makes his skin itch. He doesn’t enjoy liking Jeongin, he hates deciding he will finally make a move and failing to do so, he hates telling himself he deserves someone as nice and seemingly well adjusted as Jeongin. Most days, just like summer, liking Jeongin is more suffocating than not. Then again, Jeongin is hot and Seungmin is weak. He stares at bulge of the younger’s big, manly arms when he comes back from gym slick with the smell of salty dampness so strong it almost covers up the smell of the very cheap deodorant - it should be disgusting but all Seungmin can think about is holding those arms. He’s sure Jeongin has caught him staring during their numerous, often awkward silent elevator rides but Jeongin always smiles at him, kind, forgiving.
So it is then, in the height of Summer, a year and half into awkward elevator rides that Seungmin asks Jeongin out. He smiles kindly like he always does, and just as kindly, proceeds to break Seungmin’s heart. Seungmin smiles back, manages to joke about something so inconsequential he cannot remember if he tried. He takes it well, at least for two days. Then on Friday, he fails to show up for work. He takes a train ticket to Busan on Saturday and spends the weekend there. He doesn’t shed a tear, he doesn’t feel the urge to scream or be angry, neither does he feel better when he returns home on Sunday night to a lonely elevator ride. He had made a reservation for the next Sunday, some mid tier restaurant with five star ratings - expensive enough for a date, affordable enough for Seungmin’s paycheck. He feels dissatisfied when he plops down on the couch at the center of his living room - he decides he needs to redecorate, he contemplates getting a roommate and decides against it as he slurps down soggy ramyeon, loud stomps from upstairs that he refuses to acknowledge.
Like always, he meets Jeongin in the morning, still all pretty and sweaty but now the salt in the air feels smothering. Jeongin smiles and greets hello and all Seungmin hears is “I’m flattered but I’m sorry, I can’t” but he manages to greet him back. He feels nauseous. The morning elevator rides were supposed to be the better part of liking Jeongin.
At work, Minho grills him on his absence without a notice - Seungmin bribes himself out of another overtime by promising his supervisor to a treat and, Minho, out of surprise at the sudden and unexpected offer, accepts. Later, Seungmin realises that Minho probably thinks it will be a post-shift dinner, more like a private hweshik than a weekend outing and wonders if that would be inappropriate - but Seungmin has paid half in advance for the reservation and he would rather not waste money. He feels cheap. But he spent the weekend wallowing in an expensive beach-side hotel in Busan, ordering three servings worth of seafood and alcohol of room service. He needs to be cheap. Minho dislikes him already anyway, what’s another grudge he reasons.
Hyunjin comes by for another visit on Tuesday, with one armful of tacky snacks and his other arm full of Felix, another “friend” Seungmin hasn’t seen in ages, and announces that they are finally moving in together. Seungmin hadn’t known they were together but he decides to keep that to himself. They’re here to invite him to a homewarming party on Thursday evening which he politely refuses - he’s busy, he lies. Truth is he doesn’t want to meet more people he hasn’t talked to in ages, make small talk, be surrounded by happier people. They don’t seem surprised at his rejection. The invitation was only a gesture- for the first time in forever, that realisation hurts Seungmin. He can hear loud stomping from upstairs as Felix says it’s okay that he can’t make it. Later, when they’re halfway through dinner, on the dining table Seungmin only ever really puts to use when Hyunjin comes over, they talk about having to buy new furniture and home decor, Seungmin comments that he does too. Hyunjin offers him to join them on Saturday as a courtesy and to everyone’s surprise, even his own, Seungmin accepts. After they leave, Seungmin does the dishes alone and when the stomping starts again, he slides down to the floor and cries. He hadn’t cried in a really long time.
He starts timing his morning runs to exclusively avoid Jeongin. He texts Minho the time and address on Friday as he watches a crime documentary he absolutely doesn’t pay attention to, he scrolls through all the posts and stories about Hyunjin and Felix’s party - something he would do obsessively when he felt left out as a college student, these days he’s barely on social media - missing engagement announcements and marriages, baby showers, and who vacationed where completely - but tonight, he scrolls and scrolls - for the first time in a long time he regrets not accepting the invitation. Tonight, there’s no noise from upstairs.
Saturday is, for a lack of better word, happening. Seungmin hadn’t realised how fun shopping for a home was. He’s tired at the end of it, but his bones settle heavy with happiness. He likes the process of it - but he equally enjoyed doing something mundane with people, with friends, after a long time. He spends Sunday morning rearranging his bedroom and living room.
Minho is underdressed for the restaurant and Seungmin feels he’s overdressed but this was what he had planned on wearing if he came out with Jeongin and he has aversion to changing plans. Still, Minho doesn’t make his discomfort noticeable when they’re sitting across each other in a setting that is clearly for couples - perhaps, Minho with his higher salary is more used to fine dining, Seungmin thinks. Minho makes it clear that is not the case when they part ways in the parking lot, his cheeks and ears tainted pink from the expensive aged wine Minho drank on Seungmin’s measly pocket, in jeans and a loose hoodie that messes with Seungmin’s brain so much because he’s used to seeing the man in unironed office slacks that he almost misses it when the older man tells him in a chipped tone, “Don’t pull this shit again.” Seungmin doesn’t ask what shit.
The next time Hyunjin invites Seungmin over for dinner, he accepts. Minho avoids talking to him unless absolutely necessary and Seungmin feels a little guilty but he does enjoy office better this way. He posts a note on the society notice board complaining about loud stomping at night, and a few days later, it stops. Seungmin meets Jeongin and his friends on the elevator again, and this time he makes small talk - one of the girls tell him about a note targeting Jeongin being posted on the building society’s noticeboard and Jeongin laughs it off - he looks so blindingly pretty, Seungmin pukes when he reaches his apartment. He installs a dating app the same day.
Autumn comes, and Seungmin breathes again. He goes on a couple of dates with a couple of dudes. His visits to Hyunjin and Felix’s shared apartment has become so common that he’s now not only really good friends with Felix’s best friend Chris who visits just as often as him but on a first name basis with their lovely neighbor Changbin, who Chris constantly tries to hit on. Seungmin is fairly certain Changbin enjoys the attention. He’s also fairly certain that he needs to deal with unresolved attachment issues and he now might have some sort of unhealthy dependence on the old bonds he’s mended and the new bonds he’s been forming. At work, after months of cold correspondence, Minho calls him in to tell him, “I could get you fired for the indecent attitude you displayed by trying to accost me.” It’s been months, it doesn’t matter to Seungmin, not anymore. He hates his work anyway. He hands in his two week notice of resignation the very next day. Minho visibly fumes. It feels good to make someone feel so much.
The first Monday after he quits, he applies for a postgraduate program. He has enough money saved to live comfortably for a couple of years if he moves back in with his parents - even though his father won’t be too happy about it because they never really got along. Hyunjin and Felix are as supportive as anyone could be. In gratitude, Seungmin gifts them a cruise voucher from his company that he never used. He ends up needing a code to avail the offer but he refuses to give it up because he may be an ex-employee but that voucher was under his name for the work he contributed - he deserves all the perks for giving up his morals and nights by working for an evil rich conglomerate for two whole years. He texts Minho for the code, who very unprofessionally but deservedly tells him to “fuck off” only to send him the code anyway. If that makes Seungmin giggle to himself, it’s between him and God.
He moves back in a few days before Chuseok. On the last night he spends on his flat, he can hear water dripping from the broken kitchen faucet and nothing but quiet from upstairs. His heart clenches a little. He sends Minho a game invite on the day he moves in, because he can’t sleep and he hasn’t deleted the older’s number so he can see when he’s online. After bombarding Seungmin with a barrage of angry stickers of cute characters, Minho accepts. They start playing online games together, almost every night. Seungmin wonders if it means anything but he’s too afraid to attach meaning to things in fears of no reciprocation. Chuseok, at home, is nice. His sister’s family visits for lunch before hurrying to travel to her husband’s parents house. His niece tells him he’s her favourite uncle and even though technically he has no competition, he feels his chest surge with pride. Late that night, his father makes him pour soju for him and tells Seungmin, “For the last two years, I kept wondering what sin I had committed in my previous life to have a son who wouldn’t even visit for Chuseok.” Seungmin refuses to cry for the man who never tried to understand him but he sheds a few tears anyway. Out of grief, out of anger, out of some sort of madness as he remembers Minho in the green hoodie, cheeks and ears red, he sends a picture of himself and his niece from earlier in the day to the older before he sleeps. He wakes up to picture of Minho in hanbok, cuddling his cats. “Happy Chuseok”, he had captioned it. Seungmin melts.
By the time winter comes by, he’s enrolled in a university and by sheer luck, he happens to share it with Jeongin, who he learns had completed his undergrad in September and is now taking extra classes in order to apply for a postgraduate program the next year. Seungmin’s mind doesn’t linger on his smell or his arms when they talk. He makes friends in his program. Most notably a certain Han Jisung who constantly makes Seungmin laugh and who reliably laughs at his jokes, no matter how flat they sometimes fall. He takes Jisung for dinners at Hyunjin’s and Felix’s and they become fast friends. They all spend Christmas together. Chris, too, grows incredibly fond of Jisung and Changbin, now his boyfriend, jokes about how he’s too young to adopt a grown child. Seungmin finds it hard to believe how much he loves all of them, his heart can’t possibly be big enough to fit. He has never felt this surrounded by love -he has good friends and he goes back to a loving home each day. Maybe it’s the SSRIs finally working but it almost feels sinful to be on the receiving end of such affection- to be so full of not joy, not yet, but something like the beginnings of contentment. As the snow settles on the tip of his nose, he thinks to himself that finally, so long after July, the worst of summer has passed.
“Will you finally ask me out or not?,” Minho texts two days before New Year. And Seungmin smiles as he reads it, rolling on his bed, so happy it hurts.
When the rains arrive, mid-May, the heat doesn’t subside, it pauses - a hard hit on the break pedal, a few moments of reprieve and a full acceleration back into the hot humid thick of the summer. Sure, love can be like that- but Seungmin had gotten the metaphor wrong. There are lulls sometimes but most days all Seungmin feels is hot, scalding love that sometimes he’s afraid of burning too hot.
“Yes,” Seungmin texts back, “I will.”
“Then, do it idiot.” Seungmin burns.