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Outgoing Transmission: Anakin Skywalker
“Sorry, Snips, you really are getting the short end of the stick with your training here.” He runs a hand through his hair, “y’know I mostly got to be right at Obi-wan’s side for years when I was your age, but they keep pulling you away from me so.” He blows out a frustrated breath. He’s holding in his complaints. “Anyway, I am still responsible for your training so I decided to start making these for you.” He holds his arms out, “Welcome to training to be a Jedi on the go. War Edition.” He smiles, always so proud of his stupid jokes.
“You’re doing well, Ahsoka. Almost as good as I was, but you need to be better.” He smiles again, “and now, maybe you’ll have a better chance.”
Outgoing Transmission: Ahsoka Tano
“It’s harder when you aren’t here, but I’m getting used to it. These holos you make me feel like you’re here and so it makes it easier. Sometimes when I mess up I’m surprised when you don’t say something about it until I remember it's not really you. And by that, of course, I mean I never mess up” Ahsoka laughs, “Anyway, I’ll see Obi-wan soon, he’s at the next base we’re heading to. Don’t worry he could never replace you,” there is a sly smile on her face, “but he is a nice break from the chaos. I uh… I think I’m not supposed to say this but I miss you.” She looks away from the recorder. “Anyway, see you when I see you, Master.”
Outgoing Transmission: Anakin Skywalker
“It’s weird without you. Feels like we’ve been apart for a while. Obi wan and I practically lived together when I was your age. There wasn’t a war going on when I was a padawan… we get to bond in different ways but sometimes I think about how nice it would be to be at the temple together more often. For me to be able to train you in other circumstances.” He laughs, “I think you might want to kill me if we spent that much time together. Maybe I would want to kill you. Either way, I wish we had the chance to see.” He looks off for a second, thinking, “we’d be getting in trouble together for how we act during meditation”, he smiles. “When the war is over, we’ll be able to give it a try.”
Outgoing Transmission: Ahsoka Tano
“I miss you guys. You and Obi-wan. It feels like things haven’t stopped lately. I know there’s a war going on but I wish so badly we could have a break… just go somewhere together and not have to think about anything. Not Count Dooku, or Grievous or the war…” she sighs, “that sounds dumb. It sounds dumb to me, saying it. People are suffering, they need us. I don't know, I know it won't happen, but I’m thinking about it anyway.”
She’s smiling and it feels like she’s in the room, “Heard you got in trouble again,” she’s holding in a laugh, “you know when people tell me how alike we are, I can never tell if it’s a compliment or an insult. And this is why.” The laugh she’s holding back comes bubbling out. “It’s okay, I take it as a compliment every time. Even if they don’t want me to.”
“If you don’t mind, get us back on the same ship, or planet, or whatever. That way we can go back to getting in trouble together.” She smiles and winks.
“See you soon, Skyguy.”
Outgoing Transmission: Anakin Skywalker
“Hey, I don’t really uh…” He’s fidgeting. “I just wanted to say, I don't know.” Anakin clears his throat. “I just wish we didn’t get separated so soon, y’know, after…” He trails off. They’re all having trouble talking about it. “I just think after everything that has happened we shouldn’t keep getting split up y’know? It feels like every time we aren’t together it-“ He cuts himself off. “I know you can take care of yourself, you’ve proven that, so much.” Anakin takes a deep breath, “I just want to be there next time, before something awful happens. To you or Obi-wan, I just want to be able to protect you both. Zygerria was…” His fist clenches and he looks away again, takes a second. He looks back, “I’ll never let anyone do what they did to either of you, ever again.”
There is an intensity in his eyes that scares and warms in equal measure.
Outgoing Transmission: Ahsoka Tano
“Hi.” She smiles, but it is small, doesn’t quite reach her eyes. “I don't want to be separated either. Zygerria left me feeling… I don’t know how to describe it. Like an itch I can’t get rid of.” She sits down, sighs. “Obi-wan has been off. He says he’s fine but I don’t think he is. Rex said it was bad down there, with the other captives.” She wipes a hand down her face. “Please tell me we’ll be back together soon? I miss… having you nearby. I miss…seeing you. I miss-“ She cuts herself off, looks away.
“Just tell me, we’ll be together again soon.”
Outgoing Transmission: Anakin Skywalker
“Hey,” there’s a sort of cocky smile on his face, “I was just thinking about you.” He looks off to the side, like he’s making sure no one is nearby. “Got sort of used to, um, being able to get to each other whenever we wanted to. Weird now that when I want to… see you, touch you, you aren’t here.” Anakin looks into the recorder, bites his lip. “I know this is new for us, but it’s like, now that I’ve had it I don’t know how to live without it.” He laughs and shakes his head, “I just… am very excited to see you again. The marks you left are fading and I’d… like some more.” He licks his lips, “I like having something to look at, something to touch to remind me.” Anakin swallows, looks away for a second time to check no one around to hear. “Anyway, this mission is wrapping up, and then I’m comin’ to you.” He smiles, wide and bright. “See you soon, ‘soka.”
Outgoing Transmission: Ahsoka Tano
Ahsoka is shaking her head, “Your ego is ridiculous.” She huffs out a laugh. “I miss you too, dork. You know I’d always rather be together.” Ahsoka crosses her arms and tilts her head, “Always so dramatic with your romance.” She softens up a little, “I do miss falling asleep with you. I guess I got pretty used to it, too.” Ahsoka feels her face heat up, and she knows it isn’t obvious but it makes her shy just the same.
“You are so embarrassing…” she laughs, “but I’m happy to leave you with a few more bruises next time.” She smiles and it is shy, looking away from the recorder, as if avoiding eye contact.
“Quit being sappy and go do your job, General Skywalker. See you soon.”
Outgoing Transmission: Anakin Skywalker
“The temple feels weird without your presence here.” Anakin shakes his head, “everything feels weird without you around…I don’t know if you’ll even get this. If you’ll watch it. I know you said you needed to figure things out without me but… I don't know, you’ve been by my side for years. I don't really know how to stop talking to you, how to stop looking for you next to me.”
He rubs a hand through his hair, looks at the ground. “My bed feels wrong now, without you in it.” Anakin looks back up, “I just, I miss your laugh. Your smile. I miss waking up to you and sneaking you out of my quarters.” He laughs. “Breaking rules all alone now…well, except when I drag Obi-wan into it.”
“Anyway, I hope you’re alright out there, um. You can still… I mean if you need anything… I’m here…you know that.”
Anakin looks like he might say something else, but he doesn’t. There is just a tired smile and then the holo cuts out.
Outgoing Transmission: Anakin Skywalker
Anakin looks tired, worn down. He seems tense.
“Uh, me again.” He’s sitting down, elbows on his knees. “Things are…weird here. I don’t know, it's been tense. With the council, I mean. I guess it hasn’t really been the same since you left. Obi-wan keeps telling me that you chose to leave and that I can't keep punishing the council but I… I can’t help it. I think about how they abandoned you and I-“ he cuts himself off. His fists clench. “It just isn’t the only thing they’ve been wrong about. They lie so much…” Anakin sighs, “There’s always a reason but I am having trouble seeing things through.”
“If you get this, I’d love to see you, even just as a hologram.” Anakin sighs. “I miss you, Snips.”
Ahsoka is staring at her comms. She wants to call Anakin so badly. She can’t. This is what she meant when she said she needed to figure things out without him. She can’t just keep calling him whenever she needs something.
Even if that something is a hug.
Ahsoka puts the comm down, she gets up and walks away.
“Alright Admiral, what’s so important you brought us back…here…” Anakin trails off.
Ahsoka.
She is standing there in front of him, she is a hologram but she’s there. She is next to Bo Katan. She starts talking war and business and Anakin’s brain cannot catch up. His lungs feel smaller, looking at her, and she is still talking. Talking about crime syndicates and Mandalore, Maul. Anakin can barely hear anything they are saying.
She’s okay.
Something about seeing her as a hologram is tricking his brain into thinking that this is just for him and not that they are in the war room with several other people. She is short with him and he remembers there is more going on around them. The war, coming to a point. A renegade Sith Lord, she says.
Anakin tries to shake it off. She is coming to them. He will see her in person next.
He does see her in person. She looks good. Anakin keeps his hands to himself as long as he can and then they crash into each other. It feels so good to touch her again, he feels better than he has in months. He goes to tell her that Padme is pregnant but decides against it. They can tell her together, after this fight.
Anakin hands Ahsoka her old lightsabers. She looks at him with a softness in her eyes and he feels a little like he does not deserve it.
They look at each other one last time, smiling, off to their separate fights.
Anakin hates to let her go but it won’t be so long this time. She’ll come back here when this is all over.
No New Transmissions
“As your Master, it’s my responsibility to prepare you, so practice these forms often, or, at least more than I do. I won’t always be there to look out for you. If we get separated or something happens, you need to be able to make it on your own. Don’t be afraid. Just remember what I taught you and trust your instincts. I know you can do this Ahsoka.”
She bows to the recording. Huyang is off to the side, watching her.
“He made twenty or more of these recordings, this was the last one.”
That wasn’t entirely true. It was the last training holo he made for her. The rest weren’t so formal. They weren’t secret exactly, it was just private. They were close, always. The way Obi-wan and Anakin were close, and with just as many lectures about attachment aimed at them.
Sometimes she thinks back on it. Anakin got hurt and Aayla told Ahsoka she needed to manage her feelings when it came to her Master. She was still trying to figure out how to do that when she got trapped with Barriss on Geonosis. Anakin was so angry, he tore through the rubble to get to her. She could feel his panic in the Force, radiating off of him. Ahsoka tried to remember what Aayla had told her early on but with Anakin acting the way he was, how could she stay detached? He cared about her, so deeply, and she cared for him back.
She still cares for him. It hurts but it hurts less now than it did before.
That’s not all that you are, because it is not all that I am.
He’s right. They are both more than that.
Anakin cannot get another holo from her, in the traditional sense, but he can hear her and he is watching. He has made that clear. She did not get to say all the things she wanted to before, too distracted with everything else. Sabine, Thrawn, witches.
Ahsoka thinks, maybe she can say those things now.
She walks away from the Noti camp until she finds a spot to sit. This planet is a beautiful place, especially without the Imperial ship looming in the sky. Ahsoka hasn’t worked out precisely where they are yet, but she does like it here. There is something about this place that makes her feel closer to the Force. Like the flow is thicker here.
Ahsoka finds a spot to sit and for a while she just looks out at the nature around her. She breathes it in, watches the insects in the grass. She feels the ground underneath her. She lets herself settle into this place, feel it.
Eventually, Ahsoka closes her eyes.
“Hey you,” she smiles. “It’s been a while.” She tilts her head, “You might already know, since apparently you’ve been watching…” she raises an eye mark, “but I kept all those holos you made me. Every single one. I…uh. I’ve watched them over the years. More than once. It helps sometimes, grounds me a little.” Ahsoka blows a breath out, “I missed you, so much. I still do.” Ahsoka stops to take a deep breath..
“Everything hurt, when I realized you were still alive. It made how I feel about you turn to ash in my mouth.” Her eyes start to sting, “I loved you so much. I dreamed about touching you, about the time we spent together, lost in each other.” She stops, sniffs. Tears start to run down her cheek. “How was I supposed to look anyone in the eye? You were out there, hurting people, and I was dreaming about kissing you.”
Ahsoka stops to take another breath. She reaches up to wipe her face. She does not open her eyes.
“I have loved you this entire time, and I love you now. I needed you and you came to me.” She takes a shuddering breath in. “You are always finding your way to me, and I-“ She stops to breathe again. It is so heavy, the things she has been carrying all these years, and to put these things down… it leaves her off balance.
Ahsoka is squeezing her eyes shut, digging her fingers into her legs trying to get her breathing under control when she feels a hand on her shoulder. She opens her eyes and turns, expecting it to be Sabine, having come to find her.
It isn’t Sabine.
“Anakin?”
There is the ghost of a smile on his face. He comes around in front of her, kneels down on the ground.
“I’m so sorry, Ahsoka. I am.”
She is already nodding, “I know, I know.”
His hands are on either side of her face, holding her gently in place.
He gets in close, thumbs rubbing her cheeks. An inch away from her lips, he speaks again, “I kept all of yours too, until the very end.”
Ahsoka sucks in a breath and then his lips are on hers. She doesn't know how he is able to touch her like this, but his lips are on hers and it feels just like it did all those years ago. The way he tastes, the air that blows out of his nose, it all feels so real.
“I hope they got destroyed or Luke learned way too much about us right after I died.” He whispers into her lips.
Ahsoka laughs into Anakin’s mouth. Still smiling when she pushes forward, kisses him a little harder, just to feel his skin give under her lips. She gets his bottom lip in between hers, scrapes her teeth along the inside. He makes a noise she hasn’t heard in a long time.
He kisses her once more before pulling back.
“I can’t do this for long.” He says it right into her mouth and he sounds like he is angry about it. Like he is thinking about trying to alter the fabric of the Force just so he can stay here with her, so he can touch her.
“C’mere, then.” Ahsoka shoves their mouths together, licking into his mouth and dragging a desperate noise out of his throat. They kiss and kiss and kiss, until apparently Anakin hits the limit of what he can do. He pulls back and looks at her.
“I’m still here. I’ll never leave you again. I am always listening.” The fire and intensity in his eyes makes her feel seventeen again. She barely nods at him before he is standing, backing up, fading away. Gone as quickly as he appeared, leaving her breathless.
Ahsoka drops back to lay on the ground. She breathes in slowly and blows it back out into the air. He isn’t here, physically, but she can still feel Anakin in the air around her.
It is the lightest she has felt since before the war.