Work Text:
Web of Lies
“What does the word ‘callipygian’ mean?” Ajax asked, head tilted to the side in confusion.
“How the hell should I know?” Bianca shot back, raising an eyebrow. Then she narrowed it. “Wait, why are you even asking about some weirdass word?”
“TikTok challenge,” the gorgon admitted shamelessly.
“Don’t you have your phone?” Kent pointed out, giving the object a pointed glance. “I mean, like right there. In your hand. Why don’t you just look it up?”
“Well, part of the challenge is to use the word right, in a sentence, without looking it up until you post the video,” Ajax explained. “But, like, I have no idea what it means and I don’t want to look stupid.”
“If you don’t, well, it’d be proof that appearances can be deceiving,” Bianca pointed out archly. Ajax laughed at that.
“Dude, Kent, did you hear her burn you just now?” he elbowed the siren with a grin.
“Ajax, you’re my best buddy, you know that?” Kent told him, patting his arm gently. “Nothing will ever change that, right?”
“Er, yeah?” Ajax cocked his head, confused by the sudden change of topic.
“She was talking about you,” Kent explained. Ajax blinked, jaw going slack.
“Dude,” he turned hurt, soulful eyes towards Bianca. “That was pretty mean.”
“Yeah, Bianca, for shame,” Xavier chimed in, chewing on an English muffin. It was breakfast in the quad, and he wasn’t going to let any of the typical shenanigans of this misfit group interfere from his toast and jam. Didn’t mean he wasn’t going to contribute though, especially if it made Bianca look bad. “How could you do that to Ajax? Want me to get some puppies so you can kick them later or something?”
“Maybe you should tune the ‘bee’-tch switch down a bit,” Eugene chimed in helpfully, grinning at his pun.
Bianca rolled her eyes, and would never admit that she actually sort of agreed with them. Burning Ajax was sort of low hanging fruit, and he really did look a bit like a puppy when he realized it.
“So. Callipygian,” she said instead, because apologies were what other people did, even if she did feel bad. “Anyone got any clues?”
“To call a pigeon?” Xavier shrugged, not trying too terribly hard but willing to participate anyway. “I mean, it sort of sounds like that.”
“So, like, how would you use that in a sentence?” Kent pursed his lips in thought. “Like, ‘That person on the bench is always callipygian so they can feed them’, or something?”
“Oh, that might be it,” Ajax hummed, eyes widening in enlightenment.
“Maybe it has something to do with measuring something” Bianca offered. While normally there was no way she would participate in this stupidity outside of bribery, she was still feeling a little bad for the zing on Ajax earlier and this was the closest she would let herself get to an actual apology. “It sort of sounds like the word ‘caliper’ which is a type of measurement, isn’t it?”
“So maybe ‘After callipygianing the wire it was three millimeters?” Kent summed up doubtfully. Bianca shrugged. She tried. She didn’t particularly care if she was right or not.
“S’up bitches!” Yoko chimed in, pulling out a chair at the table, a blood pack hanging from her mouth. Grinning, she offered the chair to Divina, who beamed at the table as she sat.
“A most wretched morning to you all,” she chirped happily as she settled her chair.
“Divina, we talked about this,” Bianca growled out, palming her forehead. “No Wednesdayese without an Addams present.”
“Ah,” Divina pouted as Yoko sat next to her. “But it makes me feel so diverse!”
“There, there, my spiny little sea urchin,” Yoko told her, playfully leering. “I love it when you talk dirty in Wednesdayese! You can lay it on me later.”
Bianca made a strange, gagging noise at the comment. While she was happy for the two, really she was, ever since Enid had ruthlessly hooked them up as a distraction the two of them had been so ridiculously lovey-dovey that it made her want to vomit rainbows.
But the thought of flirting in Wednesdayese made her want to vomit for entirely different reasons.
“Oh, Yoko, you’re smart and stuff,” Ajax cut in, snapping as he remembered what they had been talking about. “Do you know what the word ‘callipygian’ means?”
It was thanks to unfortunate long experience, that Bianca was able to predict what was about to happen, and in turn managed to get her lunch tray up in time as Yoko gagged mid sip, spraying blood yet again, with what Bianca was beginning to suspect was purposeful precision, directly at her.
“Callipygian?” Divina frowned, cocking her head to the side in thought. Beside her, Yoko pounded on her chest as she continued to choke. “Is that a real word? What does it mean?”
“Apparently?” Xavier shrugged. “None of us have heard of it, but we’re trying to guess without looking it up for a TikTok challenge.”
“Oh, divine ancestors, for granting me life long enough to see all your wonders, I praise you eternally,” Yoko managed to mutter, still thumping her chest, though even the coughs couldn’t keep the grin from her face.
“Oh, Yoko, do you know what the word means?” Divina asked, cocking her head to the side as she asked her girlfriend.
Yoko considered for a moment, before immediately shaking her head.
“Why no, babe,” the vampire declared. “What has everyone’s guesses been so far?”
Xavier gave Yoko a flat look. Based on her earlier reaction, he was about seventy eight percent sure the vampire was lying. Based on her strangely sincere prayer just a moments ago, it was probably something which she found immensely amusing. And based on her encouraging them all to guess, it was probably something she was planning to milk for all she was worth.
A quick glance at Bianca confirmed to Xavier that she also had come to this conclusion. The glance expanding to Divina, Kent, and Ajax confirmed that they hadn’t. The glance to Eugene showed that he was too immersed with the honey ratios of his thermos of tea to have caught the scene in its entirety.
“Well,” Ajax began immediately, missing every deduction that Xavier had just made by a large mark, “at first Xavier thought it might mean something like ‘calling a pigeon’, but Bianca thought it might have to do with measuring or something…”
“What amazing and educated guesses,” Yoko nodded with a sage face marred by a manic grin. “What do you think, babe?”
Divina closed her arms, lowered her chin, and crossed her arm in deep thought. Finally, she brightened.
“Maybe it’s one of those slang words where you combine the first couple of syllables of other words!” she gasped. “Like… um… California Pie Give Away Night!”
“And just what the hell would a ‘California Pie Give Away Night’ even be!?” Bianca demanded, exasperated as she peered from behind her tray and judged the cost was clear.
“A night where everyone in California gives away pie!” Divina explained happily. “It sounds like such a wonderful holiday! In fact, maybe I should talk to the faculty about having Nevermore host its own Callipygian day!”
“Gods, you are just too beautiful for this world, babe,” Yoko sighed dreamily.
“Well,” Xavier prompted, “was she right?”
“How would I know?” Yoko blinked innocently. “I’ve never heard of this strange and unknowable word before.”
“Okay, that’s it,” Xavier declared. He reached for his phone. “I’m looking this up.”
“No, dude, stop!” Ajax demanded, hurriedly reaching out and with surprising dexterity managed to pluck the phone out of Xavier’s hand. “The challenge, man, the challenge!”
“Alright, Yoko, why don’t you tell us what you think the word means,” Kent tried with a sigh. “I mean, seeing as you obviously have no idea, then I’m sure you can make a guess of yourself.”
“Hmmm,” Yoko made a great show of stroking her chin and nodding seriously. “It obviously means to look stately and dignified! Meant to be used to show respect to an authority figure. For instance, I think everyone here should go up to a teacher at some point today and compliment them on how callipygian their outfits look today!”
Xavier glanced at Bianca, and he could see her coming to the exact same conclusion as he did: whatever else happens today, to not do exactly what Yoko had just recommended.
“Is that what you think?” Divina asked innocently, and Yoko reached out to take her hand, meeting her gaze directly and sincerely.
“I definitely think that skirt is quite callipygian on you,” the vampire declared immediately.
“Okay,” Kent sighed. “So, it definitely means something complimentary, but it also is definitely something which shouldn’t be said to an authority figure. These clues doing anything for anyone?”
“Well,” Eugene began, humming happily to himself as he slathered some honey on his peanut butter sandwich, “based on the morphology, I think the word might be based in Greek?”
“If it’s some word made out of Greek words or something, shouldn’t you be able to guess something, Ajax?” Xavier pointed out.
“Dude,” Ajax gave him a flat look. “Uncool. What, just because I’m a gorgon I have to know Greek or something? You realize how racist that is, right?”
“Yeah, Xav,” Bianca smirked at him. Ah, how the tables had turned. “Stereotype much?”
“Oh, look,” Xavier began pointing to something in front of Bianca. “A distraction!”
Yes, actually, Xavier very much did realize that had been a pretty damn racist thing to say, and yes, he felt like an absolute asshole for doing it. But he wasn’t going to let Bianca know that.
He instead resolved to apologize to Ajax once they were on their way to class, and invite him to skip and smoke some weed instead.
“A distraction?” Divina asked, following his finger, and glancing around. “Oh, what kind?”
“Something only the gullible can see?” Bianca scoffed at him.
“No, a jump scare,” he retorted.
“Humph!” Enid who had been approaching from the other direction that Xavier had been pointing at slammed her breakfast tray down right next to Bianca, and the siren jumped in response.
“Holy freaking hell,” Bianca snapped, heart rate accelerating at the sudden loud noise from behind her.
“Fin and scales!” Divina echoed dramatically. Unlike Bianca, she sounded like she was shouting the old tag line more for fun than actual surprise.
“Good morning, Enid!” Eugene chirped happily, glancing shyly at the werewolf.
Xavier had realized pretty quickly that Eugene at one point or another had apparently had a crush on the colorful girl. But he judged at this point even the slightly socially awkward beekeeper had realized that he lacked the gender, temperament, personality, and name that Enid apparently looked for in a potential partner.
Those being in order: female, gloomy, homicidal, and Wednesday.
“Good morning, Eugene,” Enid told him politely. Before reemphasizing her earlier declaration. “Humph!”
Xavier suppressed a sigh, and with firm resolution ignored Enid entirely. Instead, he turned to Eugene and acted as though the werewolf had never occurred.
“So what do you think the word means then,” he asked the beekeeper.
“Yes,” Bianca had immediately copied him, focusing instead on the previous topic. “Do you have any guesses?”
It should have unsettled him that the siren and he were so in step today, however, he knew well the reason: the only times Enid showed up and ‘humphed’ dramatically was when something had happened in her relationship with Wednesday. Or her non-starter relationship with Wednesday, seeing as the two of them still had never seemed to manage to make it official.
“Er, I don’t know,” Eugene admitted sheepishly. “The only morphology I studied was entomology…”
“Oh, that sounds really interesting,” Xavier droned dryly. “Please, continue to explain it.”
It wasn’t, actually: interesting. At least to Xavier. He could appreciate that the other boy had his passions, but they just weren’t ones he himself could enjoy as well.
However, anything was better than listening to Enid whine about Wednesday.
Unfortunately, not everyone got the memo.
“Oh, Enid, good to see you,” Ajax broke in happily. “Hey, do you know what the word ‘callipygian’ means?”
Xavier sighed, and braced himself for the conversation’s inevitable derailment to the topic of Enid’s love life.
Which was why he was surprised when instead Enid blinked, stared at Ajax for a second, and then simply proclaimed, “Hot ass.”
Xavier noted the rest of the table blinking as well at the sudden and completely out of character compliment to the gorgon. Except for Yoko, whom Xavier noted was covering her mouth to smother a giggle fit.
“Er, thanks, Enid,” Ajax finally smiled bashfully. “I mean, I know we’re not dating anymore, but sometimes a guy just likes to hear it!”
“No,” it was Enid’s turn to roll her eyes. “The word ‘callipygian’. Its ancient Greek and it means ‘hot ass’.”
“I can’t tell if you’re fucking with us right now,” Bianca admitted, impressed despite herself. She liked to consider herself as being fairly skilled in sarcasm, and if Enid was actually taking the piss out of them, she was doing it with such a straight face that the siren couldn’t tell. “Well played, wolf. Well played.”
“It comes from the Greek words ‘kallos’, which means beautiful, and ‘puge’, which means butt,” Enid sighed. She started drumming her fingers on the table in impatience. There were so many moor important things that they could be talking about right now! Like about her ‘humph’!
“Okay,” Kent began, head cocked to the side. “I mean, that is a lot to unpack. I mean, it’s an ancient slang word, okay, and I guess that makes sense? I mean, we have modern slang words that mean the same thing. Like phat, or thot, or stuff like that. When you think about it, it’s kind of humbling: throughout the millennia, all people of all races and language are united in their ability to make demeaning terms for hotness, objectifying people and their traits without care. Does anyone else suddenly feel a spreading sense of connection and unity with the world in general?”
“No, that’s just you,” Bianca told him bluntly. “Take two Tylenol, lie down, and let it pass.” The siren turned back to Enid staring at her with a look of pure disbelief. “Why?!”
Bianca wasn’t sure what she was asking. Maybe: why did a word like that ever exist? Maybe: why did something so stupid sound so dignified. Maybe: why am I still paying attention to this and haven’t gone out to the lake to try and drown myself? Being a siren would make it take a while, but at this point she was willing to try.
“It has something to do with how the Greek love goddess was a total slut and liked to send noods of herself showing off her booty,” Enid explained helpfully. “They were so popular that she got a reputation as an exhibitionist: Venus Callipyge.”
“That doesn’t make any sense!” Bianca growled in frustration. “How the hell do send noods in a thousand B.C.!?”
“Marble statues,” Enid immediately declared.
“Wow,” Xavier whistled slowly. “They say that once you post it, you can never unpost it and it’s out there for good. I guess that’s double true for sculptures?”
“Wait,” Divina suddenly sat up straighter, and began to blush. Shyly, she looked at Yoko out of the corner of her eyes. “When you said I look callipygian in my skirt…”
“Absolutely callipygian,” the vampire leered playfully at her girlfriend. Divina’s blush grew, but she looked strangely happy despite it.
“No,” Bianca firmly denied reality. “No. You’re making this up. Or I tripped and brained myself on the lunch table and this whole conversation is just the pathetic last firing of the synapses in my brain as they run out of oxygen.”
Xavier had to give her points: it was a very determined sounding denial. However, where others flinched, he gazed forward bravely.
Also, Yoko was way to amused for it to be anything else.
“Alright,” the psychic finally sighed, scrubbing his hand through his hair. “At least Ajax can make his video now. But there’s still one lingering question: how the hell do YOU know what the word means, Enid?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” the werewolf narrowed her eyes at the emphasis in his question.
“Enid, if you wanted to compliment someone’s ass, you’d send them a peach emoji with a thumbs up,” he told her dryly.
Enid opened her mouth to object as she raised one hand. Then she paused, and looked away, the hand lowering slowly.
“She has totally already done that,” Yoko declared immediately, grinning as she interpreted her friend’s reaction.
“Maybe…” Enid’s tone admitted nothing, and also fooled no one. Then she straightened up as something occurred to her. “I mean, ‘Humph!’ Wednesday always likes to use big words, so I’ve been looking a bunch of them up in advance! Oh, and speaking of Wednesday…!”
“Oh for the love of god, just ask her out already,” Bianca slumped, already sick of the conversation and not looking to encourage her nausea any further.
“Seriously,” Xavier sighed, already bored and turning back to his breakfast.
“I already have!” Enid snapped, stabbing at her food, less with the intent to eat and more with the intent to harm. “Repeatedly!”
“Wait, really?” Kent leaned back, partly in surprise, partly to ensure he wasn’t in stabbing range. “What happened? If it was death threats, than you really can blame anyone but yourself…”
“She never even noticed!” Enid growled, her stabbing increasing in speed. “Stupid, short, gorgeous, irresistible, idiot geniuses!”
Xavier blinked.
“I’m honestly a little shocked at this point,” he finally admitted. “I mean, I’ve just gotten so used to you two being the useless lesbian couple, that the thought of someone even attempting to break the status quo is actually leaving me confused.”
“I’d normally say that’s just the result of your own subpar IQ,” Bianca chimed in, raising an eyebrow, “but in this case I’m actually agreeing.”
“Oh, that’s two signs of the apocalypse, right there,” Kent pointed out. “Enid actually making a move on Wednesday, and Bianca agreeing with Xavier on anything. Anyone checked the weather today? If it starts raining fire, it might be time to find a bunker.”
Enid glared at him, and he immediately held up his arms in surrender, eying the knife in her hands carefully.
“Okay, also, it’s seriously unfair that you’re only threatening me,” he pointed out carefully. “Xavier and Bianca made fun of you first.”
“And if I end you before anyone else does, that will make you the last,” Enid growled.
“Wait, she never even noticed?” Eugene chimed in, frowning in genuine concern. “That’s… that’s not really like her. What happened?”
“Well, first I tried to confess to her using a bag of roadkill meant to look like a human body with a note that said ‘unlike these, my feelings for you will never die,” Enid began, and was immediately cut off as Bianca banged her head against the table in pure frustration.
“Ahh,” Divina cooed. “That’s so romantic!”
Kent, for some reason, began coughing hard as he choked on his chocolate milk.
Xavier opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off as Bianca continued to bang her head. Realizing she wasn’t going to stop anytime soon, he decided to just speak over her.
“Alright,” he began slowly and clearly. “That is… I mean… Just: What?”
“Wednesday loves mysteries, right?” Enid explained herself grumpily. “So I thought if I made it look like someone was hiding a body, she would definitely investigate and find it. And she likes taxidermy as well, so having a bunch of dead animals for her to work with is thoughtful, right? And the note totally tags in to the whole darkly romantic type confession that I thought she would like. It should have been a perfect plan!”
“Oh, it absolutely was,” Divina assured her, secure enough in her practical mastery of Wednesdayese to be confident in her opinion.
Bianca began to bang her head harder. She hoped a concussion would erase all memory of both this conversation, and all the people participating in it.
Xavier let out a slow breath, and considered the situation for a second.
“That answers many of my questions,” he admitted, hating himself for acknowledging that. “But still so many remain. Like, how the hell did you get that much roadkill? How did you shape it like a body? Who did you chose to frame the whole thing on?”
“Oh, I just blackmailed Kent in to getting the roadkill and being the patsy,” the werewolf admitted shamelessly. Bianca suddenly stopped banging her head, and began to glare at Enid for some reason.
“Oh, great, just throw me under the bus, Enid,” Kent whined. Enid rolled her eyes.
“I didn’t tell them what I blackmailed you with, you big baby,” she reminded him.
Xavier opened his mouth unable to believe that Enid would go so far as to blackmail one of her friends in order to try and impress Wednesday, and then remembered that this was the same werewolf that outed her best friend’s crush in order to do exactly that, and closed his mouth.
“And Wednesday didn’t understand the confession?” Eugene prompted, pursing his lips. “How did she react instead?”
“She thanked me for the thoughtful gift, selected the best roadkill, taxidermized it, and gave it to me,” Enid growled. “Now I have a stuffed coyote glaring at me in our room all the time! I hate coyotes, and I hate taxidermy! I think the thing moves at night, and I swear it’s judging me so hard sometimes!”
“Wait,” Bianca began slowly, tone venomous. “Wait. So, that time you blackmailed me into sending the fire department on a prank call using my siren song… That wasn’t…?”
“Well, if they showed up too soon, then they would have got there before the whole field caught fire,” Enid rolled her eyes, uncertain why something so obvious needed to be explained.
“Alright,” Xavier sighed, feeling deeply, deeply tired. “So, another friend blackmailed. Good to know. But maybe a little context: why did the field need to go?”
“I spelled out ‘My feelings for you are like this fire’ with gasoline in a local field, then took Wednesday up so she could see them burning, and then as the fire spread to the rest of the crop,” Enid explained.
Divina squealed, imagining the romantic scene as Enid painted it. Yoko reached over and patted her hand.
“Just tell me which field you want gone, babe,” the vampire told the siren, and Divina beamed happily at Yoko’s willingness to do her own grand romantic gestures for her.
“And Wednesday…?” Eugene prompted, cocking his head to the side in curiosity.
“Thanked me for the thoughtful gesture, and then burned down the farmer’s house for me,” Enid groaned in frustration. “She even had smores ready!”
“Definitely a keeper,” Xavier deadpanned. He looked around the rest of the group. “So… anyone else here been blackmailed?”
“Nope,” Yoko chirped in. “I volunteered. It’s a bestie’s duty to help the other bestie win their girl!”
“Which involved…?” he prompted.
“Oh, I stole a bunch of blood bags for her from the kitchen!” Yoko admitted shamelessly.
“I made a small fountain of them with a dear heart as a centerpiece,” Enid explained without prompting. “And a note that said ‘let me offer you my heart as well’.”
“To which Wednesday…?” Eugene again prompted.
“Made her own fountain,” Enid groaned. “With a note that said ‘I already have some spares, and I like yours where it is.’ I’m like ninety percent sure that the heart in hers was an actual human heart…”
“I’m never talking about this conversation again,” Xavier decided. “Not without being in the witness protection program first. The number of felonies being admitted to is truly disturbing.” He eyed Ajax, who was looking entirely too calm. “Ajax, you seem to be taking this rather well. Were you also…?”
“Nah,” the gorgon shrugged. “I wasn’t blackmailed. She, like, just threatened me and everything. Which was kinda uncool, since I would have been happy to help anyway.”
“I gave him back all his weed after he helped,” Enid volunteered easily. “But, er, let’s not talk about that one. Not until the statutes of limitation expire and everything.”
“Thank you for the plausible deniability,” Xavier thanked her dryly. He took a bit of his English muffin again, chewing slowly as he cocked his head to the side, studying Enid carefully. “So, is there any reason that I wasn’t involved in your ever-growing list of felonies, extortion, and web of lies and manipulation?”
“Well,” Enid began, “You’re going to help me with the next one. Otherwise, well, we’re going to have to talk about what happened on May fourth…”
“I’ll stop you right there,” Xavier raised his hand in surrender. May fourth never happened, and he would die on that hill. “I already have a surefire plan.”
Enid’s eyes narrowed. Her claws began to extend, and a low growl started to rumble in her chest. Xavier immediately understood he had been misunderstood.
“A surefire plan for YOU to confess, not me,” he hastily clarified, and Enid’s claws began to retract. “Remember, I know my ship has sailed, and I’m happier on the shore line for this one.”
“You better be,” Enid grumbled. “Now, what’s this ‘so called’ surefire plan of yours?”
“Considering your track record, I have doubts,” Bianca interjected. “However, if you CAN, then maybe this idiot werewolf will stop acting so unhinged. I honestly never thought I would ever hope you would know what you’re doing. It’s a confusing feeling, and I want it to stop.”
“This is gonna be great,” Yoko muttered to Divina, grinning. If Xavier had to guess, the vampire honestly didn’t care one way or the other, as long as she was amused.
“Well,” Xavier began slowly, addressing Enid and ignoring the peanut gallery. “The first thing I have to get out there to prepare you is that you’re an idiot, and you should feel stupid.”
“You’re not inspiring confidence,” Enid told him, narrowing her eyes.
“Okay,” he nodded, leaning forward and gently cupping her hand, making sure to meet her eyes. “In Wednesdayese, romantic invitations are classified as direct inquiry situations.”
Enid stared at him for a moment, her jaw slowly starting to drop as her eyes widened at the reminder.
Then she slumped down, her head hitting the table with significant force.
“Oh!” Divina gasped, hand coming to her mouth as she realized the werewolf’s error. “Oh! But all of her previous confessions could be considered as social interactions! Without a direct request, they are subject to de-escalation, and thus not interpreted romantically at all!”
“I’m an idiot,” Enid groaned from the table.
“Wait,” Bianca began, rubbing her forehead. Gods and goddesses above, demons and devils below, she was so fucking sick of Wednesdayese. “So then the queen of the goths has a genuine excuse for misunderstanding Enid’s confessions? Like, it’s just not her being an idiot failure of an investigator who wouldn’t know a clue if it smacked her in the face?”
“I feel so stupid,” Enid continued. Like Bianca earlier, she began banging her head on the table repeatedly.
“Well,” Xavier began, still patting her hand comfortingly. “The good news is that they WERE pretty grand gestures. So, they would definitely be interpreted as congenial. Though, the bad news, is that after doing them, you never followed up with any kind of direct romantic inquiry, so based on the Protocols©, you HAVE been flirting with her, but it would appear to her like you were doing it accidentally and without actual romantic inclination, and that she had effectively been friendzoned…”
The banging got harder.
“Oh, this is perfect,” Yoko sighed happily, leaning back in her chair as the sheer amusement threatened to turn her into a puddle of contentment. “How the circle has turned. Wednesday, the unconscious seductress of men, in turn being unconsciously seduced by her oblivious roommate, forced to forever endure the unconscious tease which is Enid, pining for her endlessly but never to have her passion consummated…”
Enid let loose a high-pitched whine, very reminiscent of a sad, sad puppy.
“Er, Yoko, maybe not the time,” Divina whispered to her girlfriend, looking awkwardly apologetic as she also reached out to pat Enid’s shoulder comfortingly. “There, there,” she told the werewolf. “I mean, now you know what you’ve been doing, so all you have to do is ask her directly, right?”
“Ask who, what, directly?” a new voice cut in, and Xavier started as he realized the subject of their conversation had approached without anyone noticing. Enid froze as well. “And are the typical trivial banalities engaged in by such an insipid group truly worth the wasted air it would require to share them?”
“As worthy as any degenerate insight that you could provide!” Divina chirped happily back at Wednesday, smiling at her friend. In turn, Wednesday raised an eyebrow. Xavier had never gotten as deeply into Wednesdayese as the siren, but she seemed happy with the response, so he assumed it was a friendly exchange.
“Er, well,” Xavier began, awkwardly taking his hands back from the frozen werewolf. He honestly had no idea how to sum up the previous conversation. He was just considering if it was even worth it when Enid slammed her hands down on the table, propelling herself upright.
“Wednesday Addams!” the werewolf declared in a volume just short of a shout. “I like you! Go out with me, immediately!”
“Well, that was direct,” Kent muttered leaning back at the volume. Xavier agreed. It appeared that once the issue was identified, Enid intended to address it forthwith.
“No moss on that rolling stone,” Bianca agreed, rubbing her forehead in frustration. The pounding of her head earlier had not accomplished its task, and she still remembered everything that happened and everyone present. She was contemplating a self-administered lobotomy with some of the silverware at this point.
Xavier honestly sort of wished he had some popcorn available.
Wednesday, in response to the sudden declaration, froze. Ever so slightly, her head tilted to the right.
“Ohmygod!” Divina gushed in a happy whisper. “She swooned!”
Xavier very much doubted that on anyone else, such an infinitesimal movement would count, but agreed that yes, for Wednesday, that was probably as close to a swoon as she was physically capable of performing.
“I absolutely won’t take ‘no’ as an answer,” Enid continued, reaching out and snatching one of Wednesday’s hands. “I want you to be my girlfriend!”
Wednesday stood perfectly still.
“Oh! She’s blushing so bad!” Divina giggled.
Xavier did a double check. In his opinion, Wednesday looked exactly the same. Well, maybe her lips were turning a bit blue. Didn’t that happen when people passed out? Did that even count as blushing? Was it an Addams thing?
“Enid,” Wednesday began slowly, voice low. “You wicked girl. These past months have been the most exquisite of agonies. The torture of wanting but never having have driven me from sleep, I have barely been able to consume any food, and even the delight of torturing Thing has turned the most agonizingly delightful lackluster. How many nights have I altered between wishing for the end of this suffering, or the end of my life? I would have accepted either, but now, finally, you have deigned that it is my suffering to end?”
“You haven’t said ‘yes’ yet,” Enid told her bluntly. Immediately, Wednesday’s other hand came up to join where her others was grasped by Enid.
“Yes,” Wednesday deadpanned.
Enid’s immediate squeal was earsplitting. Xavier doubted it could be made through normal human vocal cords. Judging from the way some of the furs in the quad started wincing, he suspected there might be some subsonic frequencies at play here. Several random sirens gave impressed glances in her direction.
“Guys! Guys! She said YES!” Enid immediately turned to the table, beaming as she babbled excitedly. “Wednesday Addams is now my girlfriend!”
“I had no idea,” Bianca deadpanned. The lobotomy just seemed SO tempting. Who really needed a frontal lobe these days, anyway?
“Mozal tov?” Kent offered, rubbing his ear to clear it.
“You go, girl!” Yoko cheered. “You get your lady!”
“Oh! Congratulations,” Divina seemed to be tearing up. “This is the most wretched development in the history of horror!”
“I’m a little afraid,” Xavier admitted, pursing his lips as he considered. “I mean, maybe before today I might have hoped that maybe Enid would be a moderating force on Wednesday’s… Wednesdayness. But after today’s conversation, I’m worried she might be an enabler.”
“I must confess,” Wednesday ignored them, and Xavier glanced over to find that she had seated herself at the table, Enid’s hand still holding hers. “I had never anticipated the shear sadism of your courtship, Enid. The way you would toe the line, leaving me certain of your intentions, only for you to pull away before ever confirming them was artistic in its depravity.”
Enid paused, glancing away as she cleared her throat.
“And this is something you approve of, right?” the werewolf ventured cautiously.
“It often left me torn between despair and ecstasy,” Wednesday sounded both satisfied and impressed. “Epics could be written of the cruel tenderness of your courtship.”
Xavier assumed that meant Wednesday approved of the werewolf’s accidental inability to seal the deal.
“Then yes, that is exactly why I did it,” Enid shamelessly ignored the fact that nothing Wednesday was praising her for was intentional and immediately took credit for it.
Xavier sighed, and decided that all of this was now officially ‘not his problem’.
“All of your grand gestures, only to be scorned afterwards,” Wednesday continued, “combined with all of your subtle flirtations and erotic seductions have had me on the edge of madness for months. For instance, the absolutely callipygian sight of you in your new sleep shorts has haunted my very dreams.”
“Oh. Oh!” Ajax immediately perked, and started to grin. Xavier blinked, unsure of just what had caught the gorgon’s attention. “That’s how you use the word in a sentence! Guys, I’ll be right back. I gotta record a video!”
Oh, right, Xavier realized. They still hadn’t finished that challenge from earlier.
“I will murder you, and everyone you know, before going underground and developing a cult dedicated purely to the eradication of everyone who ever issued a TikTok challenge,” Bianca promised him.
“I knew you loved those shorts!” Enid squealed happily, blushing slightly. “Right after I started wearing them, you changed to that absolutely pulchritudinous chemise! I knew it had to mean something!”
“Still,” Wednesday pressed on, leveling a smoldering gaze at her new girlfriend, “I feel much like Odysseus of old must have after his katabasis, as though I have escaped the land of the dead to return to the land of living.”
Xavier sighed again, and wished that the day was over.
“Are they even speaking English anymore?” Kent wondered, staring at the two carefully as they continued to wax entirely too poetic for a pair of high school girls who had finally gotten over the useless lesbian phase.
“I can’t tell if I want to die, or if I want everyone else to die instead,” Bianca muttered, rubbing her forehead. “This will require further thought."
“Ah yeah,” Yoko pumped a fist in the air. “Time for double dating! Babe, you have to use only Wednesdayese when go out all together!”
“That would be dreadful!” Divina beamed happily.
“Everyone else,” Bianca decided. “Definitely everyone else.”
“Except the bees?” Eugene asked the siren cautiously. Bianca considered, then nodded.
“You may live,” she decided. “You're too adorable to die. But only you and your bees.”
“Er, Xavier,” Kent began nervously, eyeing Bianca carefully. “How serious do you think she actually is?”
“On a scale of one to ten, I think she might be at ‘katabasis’,” Xavier offered. He had no idea what katabasis meant, but then again, he wasn’t actually certain how serious Bianca was at this point.
“Oh, dude,” Ajax cut in, hunched over his phone and typing quickly. “So, like, I totally just looked up ‘pulchritudinous’ right now. I’m going to issue a challenge now that I have ‘callipygian’ done!”