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Jeonghan knew Soonyoung was in love with him long before the other boy had the courage to confess. They had been friends for years at that point and Soonyoung never had a good poker face. Jeonghan had been hesitant to accept the confession at first – he was out to his family, but he knew the kind of circles they ran in. A bisexual son wasn’t exactly something to brag about at the country club over cocktails and business deals. But he knew he loved Soonyoung just as much as the younger boy loved him and the idea of turning him away made him sick.
Soonyoung came from a different world – instead of the galas and charity balls that Jeonghan was used to, Soonyoung grew up tending to chickens on his parents’ farm. Their paths probably never would have crossed if they didn’t end up at the same university, which was only made possible by Soonyoung’s scholarship that had him surrounded by the children of the rich and powerful – enter Jeonghan.
The two years they spent together were probably the happiest in Jeonghan’s life. They did their best not to let the differences in their upbringings (and wallets) get to them and for the most part they succeeded. Even their friends commented on how they seemed to made for each other and they never looked happier than when they were together. Soonyoung was his everything and Jeonghan knew from their very first kiss that he would give anything to keep the other boy safe and smiling.
He should have known it was never going to be that easy.
When his parents came to him with an arranged marriage, he fought tooth and nail against it. He already found the love of his life, he wasn’t going to marry the daughter of a potential business associate. His family knew Soonyoung and in spite of their financial differences, his family liked Soonyoung. There was no reason to even humor the idea of marrying someone else.
That was when the reality of his family’s business was revealed to him. The empire his great-grandfather had created was crumbling. Some risky deals weren’t paying off and this marriage could save them. This marriage would ensure that his family would maintain their status. This marriage would mean that his baby sister would never be put in the position that he was in. And so he accepted.
And he broke the heart he vowed to protect.
He knew Soonyoung would never accept things if he told the truth. He would do his best to try and save Jeonghan from a loveless marriage and doom himself to being miserable, watching Jeonghan and his future bride move on with their lives.
So he lied. He told Soonyoung he met someone else and it was over between them. He watched the tears fill Soonyoung’s eyes and willed himself to show no emotion. It was better if Soonyoung hated him. It would make it easier for him to move on and hopefully find someone who could treat him better.
So Soonyoung moved out. And Jeonghan got married. And his family’s business flourished. And Jeonghan willed his heart to turn to stone.
In the end, the marriage didn’t last. His wife didn’t love him either, but it turns out, she was braver than him. She was the one to file for the divorce. As their family businesses had already grown and strengthened each other, their families weren’t even that upset. Go figure.
So now Jeonghan was 29 and divorced and still in love with the boy whose heart he broke three years ago.
*
“You look like shit.”
“Gee, thanks Cheollie, you really know how to cheer a guy up.”
Seungcheol only rolled his eyes. “It’s been 6 weeks since the divorce, Han. Don’t you think it’s time you, I don’t know, left your apartment? Get a haircut? Go to work? Also, it’s filthy in here. When was the last time you cleaned?”
Jeonghan only wrapped himself tighter in his blankets as he settled deeper in the couch. “That marriage was a lifetime of work. My parents owe me all the time off work I want. And you’re mean. Where’s Shua? I like him better.”
“I’m not letting my boyfriend coddle you anymore. You’re a grown ass adult, so maybe you should act like it,” Seungcheol said, motioning the mountain of empty take out containers and beers cans that littered his friend’s coffee table.
“If you just came here to lecture me, please see yourself out. I’m not in the mood.”
Seungcheol’s eyes softened a bit as he sat down next to his friend. “What’s going on, Hannie? It was a business relationship. You guys didn’t love each other. I just – I don’t understand what’s happening.”
Jeonghan had never been able to hide anything from the other man. They met in elementary school and had been best friends ever since. Seungcheol, and by extension his boyfriend Joshua, were the only people who knew the truth behind the marriage. That it was a sham to save a family business. They were the only ones who saw how broken Jeonghan truly was after he ended things with Soonyoung.
“I saw him, Cheol. I saw him.”
“What? You saw him? Who - oh! Soonie. You saw Soonyoung? When? Did you talk to him?”
Jeonghan shook his head. “At the convenience store last week. He didn’t see me. He’s blonde now, you know? I always thought he would look nice blonde. Turns out I was right.”
“I had no idea he was back in town. I’m surprised no one else said anything. They must know he’s here.”
“If Jun’s Instagram is anything to go by, he’s staying with him and Jihoon.”
“I’m sorry, Hannie. I know it must hurt to see him.”
Jeonghan took a deep breath and willed his eyes to stay dry. “Ever since Miyeon left, I keep thinking…what was the point? The two of us were miserable together and it turns out, our families don’t need us to be fucking married to work together. So what were the last three years for? Why did I have to hurt him? He had to leave the fucking country because I hurt him so bad and what for? So I could get divorced and it wouldn’t even matter?” He couldn’t stop the tears, as Seungcheol pulled him out of the blankets and into his arms.
“It’s so messed up, Cheollie. All I wanted to do was talk to him, but he looked happy. Not like the last time I saw him when I ruined everything.”
“You did what you thought was right at the time. You were trying to do the right thing. I think that counts for something. But you know, Shua still talks to Hansol literally all the time. And wherever Hansol is, Seungkwan is. Maybe Kwannie would be able to help…”
“Don’t even finish that thought,” Jeonghan sighed as he scrubbed the tears from his eyes. “Seungkwan hates me now. He’d never let me in the same room as Soonie and you know it. I’ve known that kid since he was in diapers, but he always liked Soonyoung more than he liked me.”
Their friend group had unfortunately splintered after the break-up. A few remained neutral – Jun, Jihoon, Wonwoo, Mingyu, Seokmin, Hansol. A few decided that Jeonghan was the devil incarnate – Minghao, Seungkwan, Chan. Jeonghan himself. And Seungcheol and Jisoo were too busy trying to put Jeonghan back together that they unfortunately drifted away from Soonyoung.
“He doesn’t hate you,” Seungcheol assured, ignoring the pointed look he received in return. “He doesn’t. He just doesn’t understand. I don’t think any of them do, really. The picture they saw didn’t tell the whole story because you didn’t tell the whole story.”
“What would be the point in telling anyone now? It’s over.”
“The point is so they knew the truth. So they know you didn’t really have a choice. Your parents put an impossible burden on you and you dealt with it as best you could. It isn’t like you woke up one day and thought, ‘you know what, I think I’ll break Soonyoung’s heart today. Break it so bad that he runs away to Japan’. Context makes a difference, Hannie.”
Jeonghan took a deep breath and tried to clear his head of the cobwebs that had been bogging him down for weeks. “I don’t know, Cheol…”
“What are you scared of?”
“That I’ll hurt him again.”
“Han, I say this with all of the love in my heart. I don’t think anything you could possibly do would hurt him as bad as that break-up.”
Jeonghan could only laugh, but it was devoid of humor. “Yeah, you’re probably right. Okay, I guess if I can make it past Seungkwan, I can do just about anything.”
“That’s the spirit! Let me text Shua. And you go take a shower.”
*
People never understood how Seungkwan and Soonyoung became such good friends. They seemed to be at each other’s throats half the time, and they could never seem to agree on anything. But in each other, they found a kindred spirit. Someone who could see them at their worst and still love them. Someone who would go to bat for them, no questions asked.
As hard as it was to see his best friend move so far away, it was Seungkwan who encouraged Soonyoung to move to Japan when the opportunity came up. Soonyoung was a truly gifted dancer and when a choreography job fell in his lap, Seungkwan just knew he had to take it. The older man struggled immensely in the months following his break-up from Jeonghan. He struggled to sleep, he struggled to eat, he struggled just getting through the day.
Seungkwan knew a change of scenery would help. Getting as far away from the painful memories as possible. And he was right. Soonyoung thrived in Japan. The two and a half years he spent there brought life back into his eyes and a smile back on his face. Seungkwan couldn’t be prouder if he tried.
The many times he, Minghao and Chan travelled to Japan to visit, they could slowly see the Soonyoung they knew once again. He was glowing.
They still saw glimpses of of the pain and heartache come through though, mostly when they tried to convince him to get back out and date again. People had always flocked to Soonyoung and his fellow dancers in the entertainment company he worked at were no different. Seungkwan immediately clocked at least three different people who were clearly crushing on his best friend.
Soonyoung, however, immediately shut down any talk of dating. He wasn’t ready, he was too busy with work, he was still practising his Japanese, he had every excuse in the book ready. Except for the real one, which Seungkwan managed to get out of him one night after a lot of drinking. He was still desperately in love with Jeonghan.
So sufficed to say, when the idea of putting Jeonghan back in touch with his friend came up, he was reluctant to say the least. Soonyoung had only been back for a few weeks and he never wanted to see him that hurt ever again.
*
“I’m still not entirely sure what you expect me to do,” Seungkwan said cooly. “As much as I think it’s a bad idea for Soonie to talk to you, I’m not his keeper. I don’t decide who he does and doesn’t talk to.”
Jeonghan’s nails were bitten raw at this point. He had always thought of Seungkwan as a younger brother, but right now, he may as well be the final boss. “I just…I thought it was time to be honest about what happened back then. I know I hurt all of you and I think at the very least, you deserve to know why.”
“Okay then. Why?”
“Wow, you’re really not gonna go easy on me, are you?”
“Go easy on you? Do you have any idea what it was like back then? You sure as hell didn’t go easy on Soonyoung. You barely gave him a reason. You met someone else? When? How? You never told him. He figured you’d been cheating him and she was pregnant or something, and honestly, considering you were married less than 6 months later, it’s a pretty safe bet.”
“I swear on my life, Kwannie, I never cheated on him. I could never. I haven’t – god – I haven’t been with anyone since him.”
Seungkwan couldn’t help the look of surprise that covered his face. “You haven’t - but your wife…”
“Ex-wife now.”
“Hansol never mentioned you got divorced.”
“It’s pretty recent. Only six weeks ago.”
“Wow. I know the polite thing to do would be to offer my apologies, but I really wouldn’t mean it,” Seungkwan admitted.
Jeonghan couldn’t help but laugh. “I figured as much. But I meant what I said. I didn’t cheat on him and I haven’t so much as touched another person since we broke up.”
“So why did you break up then? If you weren’t sleeping with someone else, why the sudden split? Why the shotgun wedding?”
“Look, I’ll spare us both going over the details, but it was an arranged marriage to save my family business. We didn’t love each other. Not for a second. And I just knew that the easiest way to make Soonyoung move on would be to make him hate me. But I never stopped loving him. I just want him to know that.”
“You know, I don’t like saying this, but I believe you.”
“Oh, thank God. You know I was ready to call Cheollie and have him…”
Seungkwan put up his hand and the older man immediately stopped talking. “I wasn’t done. I believe you, but you still destroyed him. Regardless of the reason, you weren’t the one who had to pick up the pieces of his broken heart and help him put it back together. So what is it exactly that you want?”
Jeonghas was doing his best to keep it together. He always knew he hurt Soonyoung, but hearing it from another person was more painful than he anticipated. Still, he knew he deserved to be called out. “I want to tell him I didn’t mean anything I said at the end. I was trying to hurt him, but only because I didn’t want him to wait for me. I know that I’m years too late for an apology, but I want – I need him to know that he was always perfect, and If I could take back all the hurt I caused him, I would. In a heartbeat. I should have found another way.”
Seungkwan took a deep breath. “You know, whenever I’d be bitching about you with Minghao and Channie, which happens quite often truthfully, Soonyoungie has always defended you. He always asked us to forgive and forget. That he didn’t want to be the reason we weren’t friends anymore.”
“He always was too good for this world.”
“Yes, he is. I don’t like it, but I think I get why you did what you did. Soonyoung grew up in a different world to the rest of us. In his world, love conquers all. But in our world, how we grew up, money and business is everything. He would have fought for you and it probably would have ended up hurting him more when you didn’t fight for him.”
“I should have fought for him. That’s all I think about. I should have fought for him.”
“Will you fight for him now?”
“I would do anything for him.”
“Alright then. But fair warning – I know you thought I was going to be the tough one to deal with, but you’re wrong. If things work out in your favour, if Soonie wants you in his life again, I’ll learn to deal with it. It’s Minghao who may try and kill you in your sleep. And Channie will help him hide your body. Just some food for thought.”
*
Jeonghan was exhausted when he got home. Seungkwan agreed to broach the subject of seeing him again with Soonyoung and really that’s all he could ask for. But for the time being, all he wanted was a shower and his bed.
So by the time he was in comfy sweats and about to get under the covers, the last thing he expected was a frantic knock on his door. Thinking it must be Seungcheol who was always forgetting his phone in other people’s homes, he shook his head and pulled his front door open.
“You’re not Cheollie.”
And suddenly he had an armful of the boy he hadn’t stopped thinking about in three years. And the boy was sobbing into his chest.
“I saw you too,” Soonyoung mumbled through ragged breaths. “In the convenience store, I saw you too.”
“Soonyoung…” Jeonghan was stunned beyond words, and for a second he forgot how to breathe.
“I saw you too” Soonyoung said again.
“Come on, Soonie, let’s get you inside.” Jeonghan managed to maneuver them fully into his apartment and over to his couch, which was not easy considering Soonyoung still had a death grip on him and his face buried in Jeonghan’s neck. “Deep breaths, there you go.”
“I saw you in the convenience store,” Soonyoung repeated, finally looking up at Jeonghan. “I pretended I didn’t because I was scared. I thought it would be easier if I acted like I didn’t see you.” His eyes were red and puffy and his cheeks were splotchy with tears, but he was still the most beautiful person Jeonghan had ever seen.
“But you’re here now?”
Soonyoung nodded his head. “Kwannie told me he met you for coffee.”
“What else did Kwannie tell you?”
“He wasn’t going to tell me anything, I promise. He just said I might feel better about things if I talked to you. He said I should hear things from you. But I begged him to tell me.”
Jeonghan nodded, not sure what to say. If Soonyoung already knew everything, and he was here, that had to mean something, but he was terrified of being wrong.
“Is it true? You didn’t want to get married? You didn’t want to leave me?”
Jeonghan tentatively reached out to brush the tears from Soonyoung’s face. His hands were shaking, but just being able to touch the other man again felt like something out of a dream. Something he had been too scared to want the last few years. “It’s true, Soonie.”
When Soonyoung began to sob again, Jeonghan wasted no time pulling him back into his arms. “Agreeing to that marriage is the biggest mistake I ever made. I have spent every day since then wishing I could take it back. Wishing I was brave enough or strong enough to make it up to you, to make sure you knew that I never stopped loving you.”
Soonyoung looked up at him with wide eyes, and Jeonghan could see the fear in them. “You still love me?” the younger man asked hesitantly.
“More than anything in the world.”
“I still love you too.”
Jeonghan couldn’t mask the surprise that must have covered his face, but he was glad because it caused a small laugh from Soonyoung.
“I know Kwannie thinks I’m an idiot for pining after you after…well, after everything that happened. And I might be. But from the moment I met you, it was only ever going to be you, hyung.”
Jeonghan rested his forehead against Soonyoung’s and released a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “Let me make it all up to you. Whatever it takes. I’ll earn your trust again, Soonie. Please.”
“I’d really like that.”
*
The news that Jeonghan and Soonyoung were trying to work things out spread quickly among their friends. As Seungkwan predicted, Jeonghan did receive multiple threats from Minghao and Chan that he might wake up missing valuable body parts. If he woke up at all.
He took them in stride.
And Soonyoung was still the Soonyoung that Jeonghan remembered, albeit a little more cautious in their relationship. He was still clearly nervous about being left behind again, so Jeonghan never missed an opportunity to tell him how much he loved him. How wonderful he was. How special he was. And how badly he wanted to spend the rest of their lives together.
Jeonghan knew not everyone had a second chance to make things right. So he wasn’t going to waste his.