Chapter Text
I opened my eyes slowly and tried to focus my vision, it was night and the light had not yet filtered through the curtains of our room.
Before I finished defining Ava's perfect shape in front of me, I could feel the soft sound of her breathing and the weight and warmth of one of her legs between mine, intertwined, merging with each other.
This was without a doubt my favorite moment of the day, the moment where I allowed myself to look at her carefully, and much to my regret, I would sigh and melt, slipping away between the bad memories, the obligations, the false sense of morality of my parents, my shame and my fears. I couldn't help but look at her and in a completely unconscious and automatic act, inhale until my lungs were completely filled with air sighing slowly as I exhaled.
Now her face was perfectly defined in front of mine, just a few centimeters from me. Ava would never be so calm if she was awake, and although she loved the sound of her voice, these moments turned out to be magical, if such a thing could exist.
Could she freeze time here and now? Could I stay with her forever? Knowing that she is next to me, safe and healthy, feeling the warmth of her skin pressing against mine?
It had been maybe a minute since I woke up and saw her and something deep in my mind started screaming, causing a torrent of thoughts to flood my brain, making me sad for everything it meant or worse, everything it could mean what I felt.
Something as simple and as big and strong and deep as my desires and longings could be, buried with all the rest of the things that could never come to the surface and see the light of day.
I contained my impulses, because that's who I am, a perfect evader of truths and realities. My greatest skill, so well trained and perfected through repression, reprimand and self-punishment. My worst enemy.
I should have turned around, run my legs to stop having contact with Ava and stop looking at her, but the desire to keep this memory in my mind was stronger.
This image would always be for me and only me, no one could criticize or judge it, it would be perfect, heavenly, just like she is.
My hands moved very slowly until they grabbed the edge of the blanket we used to cover ourselves and I raised it until it covered a small part of my face, being afraid that I would wake Ava and that this moment would fade away.
She pressed the side of her face gently against her pillow, settled down, moved a little closer to me, and dragged one of her hands across her mattress until she tucked it under the pillow she was using.
I smiled involuntarily, because the view she gave me was too beautiful to be able to explain in words, so much so that my mind could not make value judgments about my reprehensible behavior. An angel slept next to me, and gave me the peace that could be expected from an enlightened being, chosen to bring only goodness, love and purity to this decadent world, contaminated by Adriel's evil.
I moved one of my hands as I took her out from under the blanket and gently arranged a strand of hair that fell on Ava's face until I put it behind her ear, feeling the heat emanating from her skin. My heart swelled, imagining that I would end up breaking the chains that held me and simply resting the palm of my hand on his cheek and caressing it with my thumb, without caring about anything, without consequences, with absolute impunity, where the only result of that could be a happy moment, a soft kiss from Ava on my lips and the warm contact of her body wrapping her arms around mine.
I lowered my hand without touching it and bit my lower lip, with my heartbeat rumbling inside my chest, wanting her, feeling how my body was beginning to wake up, ignoring and repudiating an entire life of discipline, moderation and self-control.
May God enlighten me and give me strength, because I certainly no longer have it. Does Ava realize my feelings? Denying with every look I cast on her, my duties and obligations.
Maybe this was the moment where I should get up and prepare like the rest of my days to go out into the world and start running again, leaving behind everything that I cannot control, everything that is increasingly difficult for me to hide and generates uncertainty and pain.
The sound of small raindrops hitting the window glass distracted me from my thoughts. Could it be my excuse? Could I prolong this moment a little longer without being guilty of being trapped in this impossible situation? where what I want and what I should do collide with each other and leave me in the middle of crossfire, leaving me at the mercy of fate and its whims?
The rain began to fall harder and forced me to think about the outside, about the dangers that lay in wait for us and the real possibilities of losing it. What if this was all? I stretched my hand out under Ava's pillow, touching her hand only with my little finger.
Because despite any belief and certainty about my abilities, bravery and fierceness when it comes to fighting, with Ava I can't be anything more than a coward.
I loved her, unconditionally and with complete devotion, self-sacrificing, feeling on the surface the closest thing to pagan worship, denying God, while I got drunk secretly from her and kept her as my only goddess in thought.
My will was broken, ending up consuming me. I brought my face closer and rested my forehead against Ava's, absorbing her jasmine perfume, resting my hand on her cheek and wishing that no one would ever take her away from me, that everything that was ever bad would disappear and I would be allowed to pass the time of the rest of my life with her.
The rain began to fall harder and forced me to think about the outside, about the dangers that lay in wait for us and the real possibilities of losing it. What if this was all? I stretched my hand out under Ava's pillow, touching her hand only with my little finger.
Because despite any belief and certainty about my abilities, bravery and fierceness when it comes to fighting, with Ava I can't be anything more than a coward.
I loved her, unconditionally and with complete devotion, self-sacrificing, feeling on the surface the closest thing to pagan worship, denying God, while I got drunk secretly from her and kept her as my only goddess in thought.
My will was broken, ending up consuming me. I brought my face closer and rested my forehead against Ava's, absorbing her jasmine perfume, resting my hand on her cheek and wishing that no one would ever take her away from me, that everything that was ever bad would disappear and I would be allowed to pass the time. rest of my life with her.
Ava barely woke up, she looked at me with half-closed eyes and smiled happily and carefreely, she moved the hand she had on the side of her body and stretched it out to rest it on my waist.
"It hasn't dawned yet and it's raining Bea, could you stop training for today and just stay in bed with me?"
My gaze met Ava's and I saw her light, that spark in her eyes that always attracted me like a moth to a flame. Ava gave a quick, slight pout, disarming me and leaving me helpless.
That feeling of helplessness and frustration invaded me without letting the only words she wanted to say and had never been able to say come out of my mouth.
¨We won't train today Ava, you can continue sleeping. I will stay here.
Ava sighed and looked at me in a way that only she did, causing every fiber of my being to vibrate in unison and shudder at the mere thought of being everything Ava wanted, everything she needed, that I was enough for her, despite all my failures, all my shortcomings.
Ava reached out and rested her head at the junction between my neck and shoulder as she snuggled into me, moving her hand from my waist and wrapping her arm around me completely, pressing her fingertips against my back. .
Such a level of contact made my skin crawl, my heart began to roar at the proximity, every time Ava caressed me, every time Ava's warm breath hit my neck. The lines blurred without being able to discern right from wrong.
"I love you Bea, I wish I could have spent more time with you."
Ava lifted her face and without further ado, she kissed me. Her lips were warm and soft, the most perfect thing she had ever tasted in her life. Because of something like this, this sensation, something as wonderful as this, entire empires once fell, prisoners of her passions, the product of inevitable abandonment to desire.
I pulled her closer to me before I could think about separating our bodies and without understanding the sudden change that had occurred between us. I couldn't resist, I gave myself over to the kiss and the taste of his tongue and her lips completely.
For a moment, I allowed myself to enjoy her, pressing her body tightly against mine, tangling my hand in her hair, consuming her, trying to imprint this memory forever and for my body to witness it. my love for her.
Realization hit me and I could see clearly. There has never been something as pure and sacred to me as Ava. She is my salvation, my comfort after so much pain and sadness. She is my world, my piece of heaven on earth.
My brain played tricks on me again, a fleeting idea appeared, a flash, the echo of a distant memory. Her words cut through me, taking me out of the moment.
I began to walk away and as I slowly opened my eyes, I noticed the faint light of the halo that flickered and illuminated our room, reflecting beams of light against the walls, bathing the outline of Ava's body in golden light.
Something deep inside me betrayed me, my chest began to close, my body became rigid, my breathing became labored. Ava remained ethereal, almost unreal in front of me, right in front of me.
In a whisper and with a growing pain in the center of my chest, I caressed her cheek and asked her.
"I love you too Ava. Why would you want more time?" Are you here. You are next to me
Ava smiled sweetly at me and made a face at me. For a moment she just looked at me, she blinked slowly and heavily and then she stretched out her hand, first she traced my freckles with her index finger, and after that, she gently traced the outline of my nose, caressing me, making me sigh for her. .
¨Because I'm not here anymore Bea, she looks where we are... ¨
I frowned, not being able to fully understand his words, we are where we should always have been, we are in the place we should never have left, we are in Switzerland, in our room, in our place in the world.
The corners of my lips lifted and a naive, unabashed happiness took over me. Ava's jokes...she had an innate ability to make me laugh, even when she was going through my darkest moments.
I turned my body and lay on top of her, resting my arms on the mattress, I smiled goofily and kissed her quickly and chastely. A complete smile appeared on my face, the one that only belonged to Ava, the one that had been born in the bar when she taught me how to drink alcohol and I was able to be myself for one night.
I raised my head and looked around the room, tall, massive stone walls loomed over us. A cold breeze hit my back and a chill traveled up my spine, giving me goosebumps.
We were in the room we shared at Jillian's house. And just like that, it all started coming back to me.
I became panic-stricken, my heart threatened to burst out of my chest and sink me into a pit full of pain and resentment, cursing the world, wishing that everything would catch on fire until nothing was left standing and it was just ashes.
Without taking my eyes off the place, I felt the loss of Ava's body heat beneath mine. Her hand grabbed my face and pulled it towards her so she could look at her again, while her pulse trembled and she struggled to stay awake.
"No... Ava... you... you're here."
My body and my thoughts shattered, Ava was breathing hard and looked at me trying to calm me down, to contain myself. I looked down and saw it, the realization finally hit me, Ava was wearing her battle gear, on her face there were traces of blood still wet.
I raised one of my arms with the sensation of the warm liquid that wet the bed and stuck my skin against the sheets. I slid my hand over the mattress, dragging away the moisture that was there, and then turned it toward me, the thick liquid draining and running down my forearm.
It was blood, my body was covered in blood, just like Ava's. Tears began to flow from my eyes, I stretched out my bloody hand and held Ava's cold face, stiff, expressionless.
“No… no… Ava! You are here, you are here with me!¨
Completely broken and dissolved in tears, I placed my weight on her body and rested my forehead on her cheek, please asking God not to take her away from me. My hand caressed her, staining her face even more, forming a red line on her face.
“Ava, please don't leave me. Do not do it¨
My chest contracted, my throat closed, I began to choke, while my body trembled. My vision became blurry and I felt like I was falling, as if something had hit me, as if it had forced me out of the trance I was in.
I opened my eyes exalted as I sobbed and took a big breath of air. My hands were clutching one of Ava's t-shirts as i pressed it against my rapidly rising and falling chest.
I tried to compose myself and focus my vision, it was night and the light had not yet filtered through the curtains of my room.
I was in the OCS, and the empty space on the mattress next to me was cold.
I sat on the edge of the bed and pressed Ava's shirt to my face, breathing in the last trace of perfume that remained hers.
She was no longer here, she was gone.