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Chapter Text

(This short story is heavily inspired by the Seinfeld Episode: The Butter Shave 

It had been three weeks since Steven left Beach City and Greg moved in. It is currently three PM in Beach City, today had been a mostly peaceful day, when suddenly, a pleasant scent wafted into The Beach House from outside.

Pearl was quick to notice the scent "What on Earth is that smell?" she wondered. Just then, Amethyst had came in from her room in the temple, and she was quick to notice the scent as well.

"Hey, Pearl, you're cooking dinner a little earlier than usual, not that I'm complaining! It smells so good!" said Amethyst. "That's not my cooking you're smelling, Amethyst" said Pearl.

"Then what is that nice smell? Where is it coming from?" asked Amethyst. "I think it's coming from outside" said Pearl. A sudden moaning then came from outside "Huh? Wh-what happened...? Help...heeeelp..."

"Hey, that sounded like Greg!" said Amethyst. Amethyst and Pearl rushed out the door and they saw Greg all laid out on a chaise lounge chair. His skin was all golden brown and crispy.

"Pearl, Amethyst...you gotta help me! I...I can barely move" Greg moaned. "Greg, what on earth happened to you?" Pearl asked. "I, I don't know, I used spray on sunscreen...I don't know how this happened!" 

Pearl inspected the spray can Greg was using "This isn't sunscreen, Greg, this is butter flavored cooking oil!" "So that's why he smells so good...so...delicious...like a fine roasted turkey." Amethyst commented, her mouth all watery.

"Amethyst, quit fooling around! We've got to get Greg out of the sun, pronto!" said Pearl, lifting up one half of Greg, prompting Amethyst to help.

They took Greg inside, nice and gently, and laid him on the couch, as far away from the sunbeams as possible. Pearl then took some blankets and used them to cover the windows, just to be safe.

"I'm going to call The Hospital. Amethyst, keep an eye on him and let me know if anything happens!" Pearl instructed as she went towards The Kitchen.

Amethyst sat next to Greg, the savory scent wafting into her nostrils. "Calm down, Amethyst! Remember, Greg is a friend, not food" she thought to herself "although, with his lifestyle, I bet he'd be as succulent as the finest ham...a delicious, turkey flavored, ham! NO! This is Greg, Steven's dad! I don't eat humans...except for that one time, but never again! Too many bones...NO! Greg is a friend, not food!"

"Amethyst, why are you sprinkling me with oregano?" Greg weakly asked. Amethyst then looked and noticed that while she was thinking to herself, she had been subconsciously seasoning him!

She immediately panicked and threw away the spice jar of oregano she had in her hands. "Amethyst, stop that nonsense, the paramedics will be here any minute" said Pearl.

About an hour later at the hospital, Dr. Maheswaran had just finished her examination "Well, Pearl, I must congratulate you for your quick thinking, Greg was literally being roasted alive out there. If he had been out in the sun any longer, the damage could have been irreversible if not fatal."

"Oh my goodness!" Pearl gasped. "But, as I said earlier, you got him out of the sun just in time. So recovery is still possible, though it may take some time" Dr. Maheswaran continued.

"So, what's it gonna take to get me back to normal?" asked Greg. "Well, first, we're gonna have a team of nurses remoisten your skin before it gets all dried and flaky. Then you're gonna undergo several hours of intense physical therapy to help regain movement, after which you'll have to come back here for several scheduled follow up treatments. I'll also have to sign you a prescription for...is Amethyst pouring gravy on you?"

Greg and Pearl looked towards Amethyst, who was indeed pouring gravy on Greg's torso from a gravy boat she had gotten from, well, somewhere. "Amethyst, what are you doing!?" Pearl grabbed the gravy boat from her hands.

"Get her out of here before she brings out the stuffing!" Greg pleaded to Dr. Maheswaran. "Indeed, that's something I wish not to see...alright, Amethyst! Out! If you must eat, buy something in the cafeteria!"

Dr. Maheswaran pushed Amethyst right into the hallway "Urgh, this is the fifth time this month someone's tried to eat a patient. I know there's no sign that says "No eating patients" but quite frankly, there shouldn't have to be!" 

Later, at the hospital cafeteria, Amethyst was sitting at a table, but she couldn't get Greg's scent out of her mind "Greg...turkey...Greg...turkey!" she muttered.

In the kitchen, she spied one of the chefs placing down a freshly roasted turkey. Within seconds, she began hallucinating the turkey with Greg's head on it!

"Hey, Amethyst..." said the Turkey Greg, sensually, waving his turkey wing "feeling hungry...?" "Yeah..." Amethyst answered with a watery mouth. 

"Which do you prefer....light meat?" The Turkey Greg stood up and then shook his posterior "Or do you like dark meat?" "I...I want it all!" Amethyst said, drooling intensely. 

An hour later in the recovery ward, Greg was with Dr. Maheswaran "Okay, I'm going to have a word with Pearl about what we just talked about. You just stay here and rest for an hour and you'll be free to go home."

"Thanks, doc. A rest sounds pretty good about now" said Greg. Dr. Maheswaran nodded and left the room. Greg was about to relax, when suddenly, a pair of doors opened, and there was Amethyst, with a ravenous look on her face.

"A-Amethyst?" asked Greg. "I had about all that I can stands and I can't stands no more!" Amethyst took out a carving fork and carving knife "Get over here, Greg!" Greg screamed in horror.

"Okay, so this extra strength moisturizer should get Greg's skin back to normal within two months with regular application every three hours" said Dr. Maheswaran "but for the first few days, he'll need some help applying it."

"Peeeeeaaaaaarl!" Greg called out from inside the recovery room. "H-help applying it....?" Pearl nervously responded to Dr. Maheswaran, not hearing Greg "So...just the affected areas?"

"Heeeeeeeeelp!" Greg called out again from within the room, to no avail.  "We can't ignore the unaffected areas in case the dryness spreads" said Dr. Maheswaran.

"But that means I'll have to see...have to touch his..." Pearl stuttered. "Pearl, I'm a surgeon, I've had to see and touch a lot worse over the course of my career. Just put up with it for now" said Dr. Maheswaran. 

Just then, Greg burst out of the room, hopping on one foot, as Amethyst was trying to gnaw on his other leg "GET THIS ANKLE BITER OFF ME!" 

Later that night, back at The Beach House, Garnet came home to see, crispy golden brown Greg, a traumatized Pearl who had to rub ointment all over Greg, and Amethyst in a straight jacket with a muzzle on.

"Not gonna ask" said Garnet. 

Chapter Text

Pearl was going heading into to town to run some errands when she noticed, Amethyst, Peridot and Garnet gathered in front of The Big Donut. 

"What's going on here, you three?" asked Pearl. "We're making a promotional calendar for Little Homeworld" said Garnet "we've already done pictures for January, February and March" 

"I'm March!" said Peridot. "Oh! That's a good idea, Garnet. Well, if you need someone for April, look no further!" said Pearl. Amethyst, Garnet and Peridot all looked at each other awkwardly.

"I don't really think this is your kind of calendar, P" Amethyst advised. "Why not? I love calendars! They're a great way to plan your days in advance!" said Pearl.

"But, this one in particular isn't your kind of calendar" said Garnet "You'll have to be naked." "Um, Garnet, we're gems, our clothes are just part of us, we're technically naked all the time" said Pearl.

"She means human style, Pearl" said Amethyst. "Wh-wh-what! With...private areas and everything?" Pearl responded.

"Don't worry, it's nothing sexual, or anything like that. We're tastefully covered up" Amethyst comforted. "I'm covered by my tablet!" said Peridot. 

"I knew you wouldn't go for it" said Garnet. "What! No! No! Believe it or not, I'm no prude" Pearl lied as Bill Dewey was passing by, ready to open up The Big Donut. 

"In fact, just the other day, I was thinking to myself about how great it would be for me to just get naked!" Pearl continued as Bill dropped his keys in shock and looked at Pearl with a huge grin on his face. 

"Okay, good! We'll schedule a photographer for later in the day" said Amethyst "oh! And maybe you can go around Little Homeworld and help us scout out some gems for the remaining months!"

Pearl was now in a bind! Although she told them she was okay with this nude calendar idea, she was in fact, not okay with it at all. "What on Earth have I gotten myself into?"

Not only would Pearl have to augment in her appearance to mimic human nudity, but she had to do it in front of camera. But then, she remembered she'd have to scout out for other gems, maybe one to take her place. 

Pearl started by going to the first gem she saw "Lapis, hey, I was wondering if..." "Oh, is this about the naked thing? Yeah, okay. I've done nude modeling for Vidalia" said Lapis. 

"Oh! You're okay with it?" "Yeah, okay, let's get this started, bring out your camera and I'll-" "NO!" Pearl freaked out.

"Yeah, here's no good, how about by The Greenhouse where the light's better?" asked Lapis, who's clothes were about to sparkle before disappearing.

"NO! K-keep your clothes on!" said Pearl, covering her eyes and blushing "I'm not the photographer, someone else will be doing it later today..."

"You should have spoken up earlier, Pearl" said Lapis, rolling her eyes. Pearl then went to Bismuth's forge "Oh! Pearl! I've heard about the calendar, sign me up! I think I'd be perfect for august!"

"Oh, August, huh? You look more like an April gem to me" said Pearl. "Nah, I work in the forge, the forge is hot, like August!" said Bismuth "I'm thinking of pouring the water used for quenching a finished weapon on myself, using the steam as tasteful way to cover up! Alright, Camera out, Pearl! Let's do this!"

"No! It's not me! I'm not the photographer!" Pearl averted her eyes, running out shyly. "Yeesh, Amethyst's right, she is too squeamish for this" Bismuth commented.

Later at The Beach House "Okay, we have the photographer scheduled in about an hour from now" said Garnet over the phone "and thanks for scouting out Bismuth and Lapis, they'd be perfect for the summer months. Me, Amethyst and Peridot have scouted out the rest of the year. Since your month's the earliest, we'll be doing yours first."

Pearl was panicking "Oh no! I have an hour to find a replacement for me! What do I do? Oh! I know, Steven! No wait, he's gone on his journey of self discovery, it would be wrong of me to ask him to do this...and not to mention still under the age of eighteen so it would also be illegal...oh what do I do?"

"What's wrong, Pearl?" asked Greg. "Oh, it's this calendar thing, Greg. In an hour I'm gonna have to pose...scantly clad...in front of a stranger with a camera unless I can find a replacement..." 

"Well, why don't you just say "no"?" asked Greg. "I can't, I promised Garnet and Amethyst I'd do it! They're counting on me!" said Pearl.

"Pearl, you can totally say "no". Amethyst and Garnet are actually surprised you lasted this long" Greg chuckled. "What?" said Pearl

"Garnet and Amethyst knew from the beginning how uncomfortable you'd be with this, you don't need an out with them" said Greg "they just didn't want to exclude you because they knew how much you didn't want them to think you were a prude. So, they decided to let you be a part of it and leave you with the option to get out at any time, they had a backup plan for when you did decide to refuse."

Pearl was taken aback by this comment "Excuse me, I need to talk to them."

Pearl went to Little Homeworld, where Garnet and Amethyst were speaking to a man with a backpack. "Garnet, Amethyst, I need to speak with you" said Pearl.

"Sure, P, What is it?" asked Amethyst. "You knew I wasn't okay with this?" asked Pearl. "Well, we've known you for a long time, much longer than the average human lifespan" said Garnet.

"We were totally cool with you not being okay with it. If you don't want to do it, you don't have to. It's cool." said Amethyst.

"That is so sweet, I should have known you two wouldn't have thought any less of me if I refused. You know what? I think I can do it" said Pearl.

"Uh, Pearl, it's okay" said Amethyst "You don't have to..." "No no! Watch me!" said Pearl as with a sparkle, her clothes disappeared, she was nude, human style! Much to the shock and awe of everyone.

Garnet and Amethyst and the human who was with them were stunned. "Wow, this...this isn't so bad. It's actually kind of liberating" said Pearl. 

"The photographer called us and had to cancel" said Garnet. "Wh-what?" Pearl yelped "Then...then who's that?" "No idea" said Amethyst.

"I was just asking for the quickest route to keystone state" said The man. "You look great though" said Amethyst to Pearl. Pearl did nothing but laugh nervously. 

Chapter Text

Pearl was bringing up some soil to Steven's Conservatory. "What's that smell? Is there a skunk loose in Steven's garden?" Pearl wondered. She looked into the conservatory and noticed something.

Steven had been growing only one type of plant. A particular type of plant. "Oh dear! This is...marijuana!" Pearl realized. She looked inside again and there Steven was.

He was lounging on a beanbag chair, smoking a rolled up joint and surrounded by bags of chips and other assorted snacks. 

Pearl had gathered everyone into the living room, including Greg. "What's all the hub-bub, Pearl?" asked Greg. "Greg, you may not like to hear this but, Steven's doing drugs!" Pearl explained.

"Like, what kind?" Greg asked out of concern. "I was giving Steven some more soil but then I noticed he was growing marijuana plants!" said Pearl.

"Oh, is that all? I thought it was one of harder ones" said Greg. "What!? Your son's a junkie and you're okay with it!?" Pearl exclaimed.

"It's just pot, Pearl" said Greg "it's nowhere near as bad as the more harder stuff like heroine and cocaine. Besides, I've smoked a few joints myself in my younger days and look at me." 

"I know, that's exactly what I'm afraid of" Pearl responded. "I can't believe Steven would do this" Amethyst commented.

Pearl looked at Amethyst approvingly "Well at least someone's taking this seriously. I'm glad to have you on my side on this!"

"I can't believe Steven would grow pot and not share any with me!" Amethyst continued. "I should have known..." Pearl facepalmed "Garnet, please, I need you to be the voice of reason here!"

"Actually, Pearl, while I don't exactly approve of Steven turning to substances, it's better than the timeline where he just grows all sorts of plants. Trust me, that timeline gets worse before it gets better." 

"You too, Garnet!? Fine! If nobody's gonna take this seriously, it's up to me! Again!" said Pearl. 

Pearl stormed up to Steven's conservatory and tried to open the door, but it was locked from the inside. So, Pearl began banging on the door to get his attention. 

"Steven! OPEN UP!" Pearl roared. "Who is it?" Steven weakly answered. "It's Pearl!" she answered. "Pearl's not here" he answered. 

"No! I'm not looking for Pearl, I am Pearl!" "Who?" "Pearl! Me! P-e-a-r-l!" "Pearl?" "Yes! It's me! Now let me in!" Pearl said in a less annoyed tone. But then, he went silent.

"Steven?" asked Pearl. "Pearl's not here" Steven finally answered. "Steven! This isn't funny!" Pearl roared as she pounded on the door. 

Chapter Text

Little Homeworld has kicked off its first annual carnival, with Steven gone, it was up to The Crystal Gems to help promote human/gem relations. 

Amethyst was helping Greg set up a Dunk Tank. "So, who do you think's gonna get dunked?" asked Amethyst. "It's kind of hot today, I think I'll volunteer" said Greg. 

"Your only chance of cooling that way is gonna depend on somebody's aim" Amethyst joked. "Yeah, yeah. Anyway, we're almost done here, all we need to do is hammer in the sign" said Greg. 

Greg stood up on a stepladder to get one corner of the sign in place "Amethyst, could you hold up the other end of the sign for me?" Amethyst stretched her arm up, while holding the other end of the sign. 

Greg hammered in the top left corner of the sign "Good work, Amethyst. I gotta say, you've certainly changed a bit over the past two years" he said as he reached down for the nail for the bottom left corner.

"What can I say?" Amethyst modestly replied "I'm not the same, impulsive, easily distracted gem I used to...BOUNCY CASTLE!?" Amethyst immediately ran off, letting go of the sign. 

Because the bottom left corner of the sign wasn't hammered in, the sign swung down and struck poor Greg in the head, knocking him off the stepladder.

Amethyst ran up to Pearl, who was monitoring the bouncy castle, to make sure the children were playing safely in it. "I wanna bounce! How much to bounce? I wanna bounce!" said Amethyst.

"Sorry, Amethyst. Kids only" said Pearl. Amethyst ran towards a nearby cardboard cutout of a cartoon king, about the size of an average middle schooler, holding up his hand.

A speech bubble was included in the cutout that read "No one taller than this." Amethyst stood under the arm of the cutout with her natural height, no shapeshifting of any kind.

"I mean, yes, you meet the height requirements, but really..." before Pearl could finish her sentence, however, Amethyst had dashed into the bouncy castle and began bouncing around with glee.

Amethyst, while bouncing, pulled out a candy apple she had been storing in her hair and began eating it. "Amethyst! You can't have food in there!" Pearl scolded.

"Ah relax! It's kids and candy, they go together!" said Amethyst. "Can I have a bite?" a kid asked. "Get your own!" Amethyst answered.

Pearl placed her hands on her hips "Regardless, it's not allowed! I'm going to have to ask you to leave this inflatable bouncing castle!" Amethyst, naturally, ignored Pearl.

"Fine! If you won't leave willingly, I'll have to drag you out, kicking and screaming, in front of everyone" said Pearl. Pearl went into the castle, but she immediately lost her balance. 

All the bouncing around made it difficult for Pearl find any stable footing. "Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Jeepers! Let me stand!" Pearl said, as she tried to find her footing. 

Ultimately, all the bouncing around had forced Pearl out of the bouncy castle. Pearl's attempt at trying to drag Amethyst out of there had gathered much attention from passing by onlookers.

"What? It's pretty hairy in there!" said Pearl, defensively. Just then, Pearl got a phone call, the caller ID showed Greg's name and phone number, but it was Garnet's voice on the other line.

Pearl gasped at what Garnet had told her. "AMETHYST! Did you run off from your duties of setting up the dunk tank?" Pearl scolded.

"We were practically done anyway. We just had to put up a stupid sign" said Amethyst.

"Well, that "stupid sign" only had one corner nailed it when you left your post, it swung down and hit him on the head! Now help me and Garnet find the keys to Greg's van. We need to get him to the emergency room!" 

"If you want the keys, I got 'em!" Amethyst pulled Greg's keys from her back pocket. "You have the keys!? Amethyst! Wait! You can't have keys in there!" Pearl warned.

"What's with you and your rules?" said Amethyst, still in the midst of bouncing "No candy..." she bounced again "...No keys..."

On the way down from her last bounce, Amethyst's hands, one of which had the keys on it, landed on the bouncy castle's surface, the force of Amethyst coming down caused the keys to puncture the surface, causing a gust of wind blowing in Pearls face as the bouncy castle began to deflate.

Amethyst crawled her way our from the deflating bouncy castle "Oh...okay, now I get the whole key rule..." 

About two hours later, Amethyst found herself sitting in the seat of the dunk tank.

"Alright everyone, The Dunk Tank is open! Step right up to dunk the naughty amethyst who thinks she's too good to follow the rules" Pearl announced over a megaphone.

Pearl then handed a softball to Greg, who was wearing bandages on his head "Greg, since your suffering made this all possible, would you like to have the first throw?" 

"I'm not usually a vengeful person, but today, I'll make an exception!" said Greg as he happily accepted the ball. "Now Greg, I know it's my fault you had to go to the emergency room, but..."

Before she could finish, Greg had already thrown the ball with tremendous force, the ball hit the target smack dab in the middle, resulting in Amethyst getting dunked right into the tank. 

The crowd applauded Greg's throw. 

Chapter Text

Greg sees Steven sitting on the porch of The Beach House, looking all embarrassed, annoyed and ashamed. "Hey, what's wrong, Shtu-ball?" asked Greg.

"Yeah..." Steven replied. "Is it anything I can help with?" asked Greg. "I don't think so, this is a personal problem" said Steven.

"Hey, I might be more help than you think, you can talk to me about anything" Greg reminded him. "Alright....It's...it's Pearl" Steven admitted.

"What happened between you and her?" "She...walked in on me" said Steven. "She walked in on you?" asked Greg. 

"Well, you see, now that I finally had a full on room, not just a loft, I had more privacy" Steven explained "and well, since I had privacy I figured I'd, well..."

"No need to explain any further Steven, I was a teenager myself once, I know exactly what you mean" said Greg.

"Yeah...anyway, that's when Pearl walked in" Steven continued "she was like "Aaaah! Steven! What are you doing?!" and then she fell down the stairs and cracked her gem, I tried to help her, but my pants were down...I should have just stuck to just doing it in the bathroom...but now, I don't know how to talk to her anymore."

"Come on, Steven, I'm sure you still can. I think maybe it's time you start establishing boundaries with the gems...I probably should have this discussion with you earlier, come to think of it..." 

Greg accompanies Steven into the house and they see Pearl looking all wide eyed and traumatized, lying on the couch and looking at the ceiling. 

"Um, Hi Pearl, we need to talk about...what you saw" said Steven. "I don't understand you, Steven, I really don't..." said Pearl "you really have nothing better to do at three in the afternoon?"

"Come on, Pearl, can't we just talk for sec?" Steven requested.

"All I wanted was to come up and ask you what you'd like for dinner tonight and what do I see? You treating your body like it was an amusement park!" Pearl continued.

"Pearl..." Steven groaned. "Don't give me "Pearl", It's a good thing I fell down the stairs backwards, I could have cracked my gem!" said Pearl. "I'd have healed you if that happened" said Steven.

"Oh no you don't! I know where your hands have been!" said Pearl. "Come on, Pearl, my Dad's right here!" Steven pleaded. "Too bad you can't do that for a living..." said Pearl.

Steven threw his hands up in the air in frustration. "You'd be very successful at it" Pearl continued "you could sell out entire sporting arenas! Thousands of people could watch you! You could be a big star!"

"Damn it, Pearl! That's enough!" said Steven. "I want you to see a psychiatrist" said Pearl. "No, Pearl, I will not go to a psychiatrist!" said Steven.  

"Why!? Why not!? Why won't you go!?" "Because I don't need one" "I still want you to see someone" said Pearl. "I won't!" said Steven. "I'm just glad Amethyst or Garnet didn't see this" said Pearl. 

Chapter Text

Attempt #1

During the episode "I Am My Monster"

Bluebird Azurite flies down from above "Ha ha ha! Steven Universe! The time as come for my-" Corrupted Steven interrupts her with a thunderous roar, freezing her in her tracks.

"Oh...I see you're busy. Some other time then?" Bluebird Azurite flied away. 

Attempt #2

After Steven left Beach City in the episode "The Future"

"Ha ha ha! I have returned! Steven Universe! I know you're in there!" Bluebird Azurite boasted at Steven's front door, which was answered by Amethyst.

"Sorry, Steven's left town. You're too late" Amethyst told her. "Well, where did he go?" asked Bluebird. "Uranus" Amethyst answered. "What!? Why would he want to go there?"

"Because it's nice and tight" Amethyst joked. "Tight? It's a gas giant! He'd be crushed under it's mass!" said Bluebird, not knowing Amethyst is just screwing with her. 

"Really? Doesn't look that big to me!" Amethyst chuckled. "Well, whatever, thanks to you, I know where he is now!" said Bluebird "I will search every inch of Uranus for him!"

"Whoa! Ask me out to dinner, first! Besides, he's not in mine, he's in yours" Amethyst continued to joke. "What?" Bluebird answered, tilting her head like a confused dog. 

Attempt #3

Still on his cross country journey of self discovery, Steven is driving along the highway when Bluebird Azurite lands right on his car's windshield. 

"Ha ha ha! Now, I've got you!" Bluebird said triumphantly before getting slapped in the face by one of the car's windshield wipers "Damn bugs..." Steven grumbled. 

Attempt #4

Bluebird Azurite is now in Windy City, but she appears to have lost Steven. "Oh, where did he go?" Bluebird grumbled "there must be someplace where young humans hang out..."

Bluebird decides to check a local pizzeria and spots the back Steven's curly hair and his jacket in front of a pinball machine. Bluebird flutters in ever closer, right behind "Steven" 

"Les jeux sont faits. Translation: The game is up" said Bluebird "your ass is mine!!!" The person Bluebird was standing behind turns around, revealing it's not Steven at all.

Instead it was a goth girl with black curly hair, around Steven's age, wearing a puffy jacket so puffy that it mimicked Steven's build almost exactly. 

Instead of saying anything, she took her drink, slurped up some of it with a straw and aimed it at Bluebird, who then braced her self for liquid impact as the girl spat root beer right in Bluebird's face. 

Attempt #5

Numerous years later

Steven is now 27 and married. Bluebird sneaks into Steven's house, via an open window on the second floor. "Heh heh heh, now to find a place to hide! Hmm, this metal cylindrical object will do nicely!

Bluebird hops into to the trash bin. Not long after, the lights go on and Steven walks in with a baby "Alright, sweetie, let's change your diaper." 

After a few seconds, Steven steps on the peddle to open up the trash bin "Ha ha! Steven Universe, prepare to-" Bluebird suddenly gets interrupted by the used diaper landing right on her face! 

Steven leaves the nursery with the baby "I don't know how something so gross can come out of someone so adorable like you" he says to the baby.

Meanwhile, Bluebird remains in the trash bin, paralyzed in disgust.

Chapter Text

Greg and Steven were about to get back in the van after breaking into Greg's childhood home. "Greg DeMayo, is that you?" A women's voice asked. Greg turns around and sees a familiar woman. 

"Lauren?" "You weren't planning on leaving without saying goodbye again, are you?" said Lauren.

"Oh my gosh! It's been so long! Steven, remember when you were asking who Lauren was? Well, this is her! We lived across the street from each other" said Greg. 

"Nice to meet you" said Steven. "So, you're a father now, huh?" asked Lauren. "Yep! For the past sixteen years! How about you?" asked Greg. 

"I am, actually. Marie, come on out here. There's someone I'd like you to meet" Lauren called towards her car. Out of the passenger side seat came a young woman, a bit older than Steven. 

"Sure, Mom. What's up?" she asked. "Greg, this is my daughter Marie. She is twenty years old" Lauren introduced. "Nice to meet you" said Marie. 

"You too. Twenty years old, huh? You must have been born after I left town" said Greg. "She was. Nine months after you left town to be exact" Lauren explained. 

"Nine months after I left town..." Greg yelped. He then looked at Steven, and then at Marie. The similarities between his own son and his old friend's daughter suddenly became very apparent as he quickly put two and two together. 

"Steven...we need to go" said Greg. "Huh?" asked Steven. "No, like, right now! Come on, Steven!" Greg pushes Steven into the van and then gets into the van himself and drives off.

During the drive home in Mr. Universe.

"Steven, you're a gem! You're not like other kids!" Greg explained. "I'm a human too! I'm not like other gems!" Steven argued. "I, well, I mean, that's different!" Greg stammared.

"Different how?" "Well, I...uh...I..." "Ah, screw it. This trip was a waste" Steven interrupted Greg. "Steven?" Greg then noticed a sign coming up.

The sign read "The National Noose Museum. Free "Do it yourself" kit with admission" Greg momentarily panicked when he read that. 

"Steven, come on, I know you didn't have a traditional childhood but, I mean, yeah, I get that you can't connect with other kids your age and your only real friend your age was also your first crush, but still..."

Another sign came up that read "Jump Off Cliff: Next Exit! Hit the target and win a prize for your next of kin!" "Erm...how about some music to cheer us up!" said Greg. 

He turned on the radio. "Welcome back to KYS Radio! Music for suicidal teens!" The announcer said. "OH COME ON!" Greg shouted as he turned on the radio. 

"Alright, Steven! I admit it! I fucked up! I had no idea what I was doing! I was so wrapped up with you being part gem that I neglected your human side! But please! Don't make any rash decisions!"

Steven stops the van. "Steven...where are we?" asked Greg. "Somewhere where I can make up for lost time..." said Steven. Greg looked out the window and saw a building labeled GED Enrollment Centre. 

Greg breathed a sigh of relief "Oh thank god, I thought you were gonna kill yourself...."

"Kill myself? You know how many times I've avoided getting killed? You think I wanna do it myself? Get real!" said Steven.

"Yeah, come to think of it, you almost died several times on your adventures, haven't you? I really did fuck up, didn't I?" said Greg. "Oh yeah, big time." said Steven. 

Chapter Text

Alternate Scene 1

Dr. Maheswaran looks at the chart that Steven filled out. In the section where he was supposed to indicate his biological sex, he writes "Sorry. But I only do that with Connie"

She then glared at Steven. "What?" Steven asked. 

Alternate Scene 2

"So, are there any other symptoms I should know about?" asked Dr. Maheswaran. "Well, lately I've found that I could broadcast my thoughts" said Steven.

"Broadcast your thoughts? How so? Like televison? Radio?" Suddenly, her phone buzzed, she took it out to check on it and audio of Steven's voice began to play from it "Wow, Connie's Mom has a huge ass!"

Steven could feel the intensity of her glare "Heh heh...D-don't you just hate wrong numbers?" 

Alternate Scene 3

Steven explained everything he was put through. "Excuse me a moment, I need to make a phone call" said Dr. Maheswaran.

Elsewhere, The Gems were all talking when three men in suits approached "Are you Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl?" "Yes" said Garnet. The men suddenly cuffed them.

"Child services, you're all under arrest" said Child services. 

Also elsewhere, Greg was watching Sadie and Shep practice when men in similar suits to the child services agents who arrested The Gems approach him "Greg Universe, your under arrest for neglectful parenting." 

Chapter Text

"Thanks for helping us move in, Pearl" said Steven. "Yeah, we're really sorry to impose" said Connie. "Nonsense, unpacking boxes and putting things in their place is a hobby of mine" said Pearl.

After many years of dating, Steven and Connie had decided to find a place and move in together. Pearl had visited them a week after, she had noticed they weren't done unpacking and offered to help.

"Oh, before I go, I have something to ask. Have any of you taken up a career in law enforcement?" asked Pearl. "No, why?" Steven responded.

"Because in one of your boxes, I found what appear to be a set of handcuffs with fur..." 

Steven and Connie blushed and looked at each other in panic. "Oh, that's uh..." Steven mumbled.

"Props! Props we use for...roll play! We like to play roll playing games! Cops and Robbers is a favorite of ours!" said Connie, taking over for Steven. 

Pearl was silent for a moment but then said "Oh! Well that sounds like fun!" Steven and Connie breathed a sigh of relief. "You have to let me join sometime!" Pearl continued. 

Steven and Connie exchanged nervous looks.

Several years later, Steven and Connie are now married. They now live in a house that Greg had bought for them as a wedding present.

Even though the gems agreed that it was a kind gesture of Greg's part, they were still pretty pissed at him for violating that agreed upon spending limit for wedding presents. 

As for Steven and Connie, after only being married for five months, the two were already expecting! Steven and Connie, who is three months pregnant, are standing in a room in the house that until recently, they had used for extra storage because they used to have no idea what to do with it.

"Okay, that's it. I give up! I don't know what color to paint this room! But I can't have it just be plain white like it is now!" said Connie "babies need stimulation!" 

Connie slumped into a corner. "Are you okay, Connie?" asked Steven. "No! Because I can't decide on a color for our baby's nursery. What if I pick the wrong one, I don't even know if we're having a boy or a girl yet!"

"Well, why not just wait until we can know and then paint the room?" Steven suggested. "But, it'll be too late! We'd already have all the supplies and I'll be too far along to be of any help then!" Connie argued. 

Steven hugged Connie "How about this, we pick a color that's not exclusive to gender...maybe something like...Purple! That's pink and blue mixed together! It'd be perfect no matter what our baby turns out to be!"

"Hey...that...that could work! Steven, you're a genius!" Connie kissed Steven. Steven and Connie were back on their feet. "Now, what shade of purple?" Connie wondered.

Steven and Connie stood there, thinking about it for several minutes when Amethyst barged in "Hey, Lovebirds! Sorry I didn't knock...or call! I just wanted to see how my favorite jam buds are doing!"

Steven and Connie looked at Amethyst with utmost scrutiny, letting out a simultaneous "hmmmm..." "Uh, what? Did I do something wrong?" asked Amethyst. 

"Hey, Amethyst. We were just thinking of heading on over to the paint store. Why not come along with us?" asked Steven.

It has been eleven weeks after Steven and Connie's baby was born. They had a little girl named Rebecca. They had called Garnet over for something.

Of course, when Garnet had arrived at their house, she had split into Ruby and Sapphire as it was their date night. 

"Sorry, we forgot, it was your date night" said Connie. "Yeah, but there's something important we need to talk about" said Steven. "We have been discussing it for a while..." Connie added.

"We'd like for Garnet to be Rebecca's godmother" Steven concluded. Sapphire and Ruby gasped "We'd love too!" they said in unison.

Sapphire then elbowed Ruby "I told you they weren't going to ask us to swing with them." 

Chapter Text

Pearl calls Steven, who is currently on his cross country journey of self discovery. "So, what did you want to talk about, Pearl?"

"Well, there is something that I may have neglected to teach you. Steven, at some point, Connie might express a desire to...sleep with you. And I thought you might want to know what to do in such a situation."

"Pearl, me and Connie have already slept together" said Steven. "Well, you've slept in the same bed" said Pearl "however, the phrase "sleeping together" is a euphemism for..."

"Yeah, I know" Steven interrupted. "Oh? Y-you already know? Wh-when?" "You know that period after my huge breakdown? Everyone was trying to make me feel better? Connie wanted to make a special evening for the two of us as part of her effort? That's when it happened." 

"A-and you knew what to do?" "Yeah, Dad taught me everything when I was thirteen" said Steven.

*Three years prior*

Greg is sitting down with Steven. "It...is...awesome!" said Greg "you probably won't get it now, but believe me, when you meet the right person and you manage to get that far with them, you'll understand why!" 

Pearl is finishing up some laundry when she hears laughter coming from Greg's room (formally Steven's room) she goes upstairs to inspect Greg's laughter.

"Greg!?" "Pearl!" Pearl runs down the stairs screaming in horror. Greg comes tumbling out of the room, wearing nothing but a blanket. "Greg! Why!?" Pearl complained. 

"Pearl, it's not what you think-" "Oh, no need to be so bashful about it, Greg" said a voice similar to Pearl's. Down came Pink Diamond's Original Pearl, nicknamed Volleyball.

"It's exactly what you saw" Volleyball said with a satisfied tone in her voice "turns out me and Pink have the same taste in men!" Pearl fainted immediately.

"Oh boy, this is awkward" said Greg "aren't you two friends?" "Oh, we are. But I still didn't appreciate the way she talked down to me as if I were a child back at The Reef." said Volleyball.

"So, was all this just too..." "Oh no. Don't misunderstand! Everything that happened between us was real. This just now was just a happy accident" said Volleyball "now, come on, I believe we have a little something to finish up..." 

Chapter Text

Steven and Amethyst are conducting a field trip for Little Homeschool, it was to a local shopping mall. Greg had generously donated some spending money for each gem participating in the field trip.

He even allowed Steven to borrow the van to use as a makeshift "school bus" for said field trip. Once he reminded the gems everything he taught them about a week prior of mall etiquette and the basics of spending money wisely, not just spending it all in one place, he let the gems go free to explore the mall. 

Steven and Amethyst were currently in the local bookstore chain Pages. "Alright, Amethyst, it's almost time for us to meet up with the students at the rendezvous point at the food court before we leave and head back to Beach City."

"I'm just gonna use the can" said Amethyst. "Alright, I'm just gonna hit up the checkout and pay for this book" said Steven.

"I don't believe you, you've seen the Crying Breakfast Friends movie like 800 times, now you're buying the novelization? What's the point in buying a book if you already know the story?" said Amethyst. 

"Hey, novelizations include details that were cut from the movie to save time" said Steven. "Ah, whatever, I got a chocolate sausage to give birth to" said Amethyst. 

"Ew, too much information!" said Steven in a disgusted tone. As Amethyst made her way to the Bookstore's Bathroom, she takes a heavy looking book and brings it into the bathroom with her. 

After a few minutes, Amethyst comes out of the bathroom, book in hand, and was about to put it back on the shelf. "Excuse me, miss, what are you doing?" Asked the manager who caught Amethyst in the act.

"Oh, no thanks, I'm good!" said Amethyst. "Did you just take that book with you into the bathroom?" asked The Manager, as he pointed to a sign next to the bathroom door.

Upon looking at the sign, Amethyst read the words "No unsold merchandise beyond this point." Amethyst was stunned once she noticed it "Uh...which answer would you like to hear?" she asked nervously.

An hour later on the highway, Steven was driving the van back to Beach City. All the gems participating in the field trip were all talking about what a good time they had. 

The front of the van, however, had a different atmosphere. Steven was in the drivers seat, looking very pissed off. Amethyst, however, was annoyed "I can't believe they made me buy it!"

"Excuse me, YOU bought it. Gee, last I checked, I'm the one who paid for it. One hundred and twenty dollars!" said Steven.

"And I said I was gonna pay it back...wait, 120? I thought the book was only 105."  said Amethyst.

"That extra fifteen was what I paid for the book I wanted to purchase, the price of your book was added to my total." said Steven.

"Look, it wasn't my fault! They sell coffee and bran muffins in that store's little cafe area and we have to go past all that reading material to get to the bathroom! Without the bathroom, there would be no books!" 

"Why a big expensive Coffee Table Book About Coffee Tables, though?" asked Steven. "What? I like coffee tables, is that a crime?" Amethyst retorted.

"No, but you're gonna pay me back for this one way or another, Amethyst" said Steven

"Look, I'm gonna go back there later, when there's different staff working there, return the book and give you back the money" said Amethyst. 

Later that afternoon, Amethyst went back to the bookstore and went straight to the cashier "Excuse me, I'd like to return this book, please" she handed the book to the cashier with the receipt.

The cashier scanned the book's barcode "This book's been flagged" he said. "Wh-what?" Amethyst stuttered. "It's been in the bathroom" said The Cashier.   

"It says that on the computer?" asked Amethyst as she leaned to look at the monitor The Cashier was looking it. "Please take it home" The Cashier interrupted as he pushed the book back to Amethyst, using a ruler "we don't want it anywhere near the other books." 

Amethyst was at a loss for words as she took the book back but then, to save face, she said "Well you've just lost a lot of business, because I love to read!" 

The next day, Amethyst was sitting at the table in disbelief "I've tried returning this to every Pages I could find, this book's been flagged in each branch all across the country!" 

"What book is that anyway?" asked Pearl "Ooh! A coffee book table about coffee tables! What a novel idea! If you don't like this book, maybe I can take it off your hands! Ooh! It even has little foldable legs to mimic a coffee table!"

"Sure, you can have it...for about a hundred and five bucks" said Amethyst. "Oh, well, I do have some antiques that are of equal or greater value filed away in my gem, if you're willing to trade with me, you can have it appraised for the money!"

"Thanks Pearl!" said Amethyst. Pearl happily accepted the book "Wow! What craftsmenship! What fascinating designs! Why don't you want this book, anyway? What's the problem?"

"Nothing. Nothing at all." Amethyst lied. Just then, Steven came in "Hey guys...wait, what is THAT doing on the dinner table?!" said Steven. "Steven...simmer down!" said Amethyst. 

"I am not eating anything anywhere near that book!" Steven continued. "Why? What is the problem, Steven? I think it's a very nice book" said Pearl. "Simmer..." Amethyst said to Steven.

"You won't like that book very much if you knew what a wild ride it's been on" said Steven "Amethyst took this book into the bathroom with her back when it was still in the store!"

Pearl immediately took her hands away from the book in disgust "Eugh! Amethyst! You were gonna give me a soiled book!? Disgusting!" "What!? It's not like I wiped with it!" Amethyst said as an excuse.

"Whether you did or not is irrelevant! My hands are impure! Sanitizer! I need sanitizer!" Pearl cried out in dismay as she ran off. "Yeah, that is pretty gross" Garnet commented. 

"May I ask, what do YOU read in the bathroom?" Amethyst asked Steven. "I don't read in the bathroom" said Steven. "Well, aren't you something" Amethyst grumbled.

Amethyst later figured that if she couldn't return the book, she could donate it, so the following day she went to the local Humanitarian Armada Thrift Store. 

"So, you want to donate this book to charity?" said the kindly volunteer worker. "Yes, I assume there's some sort of write off" Amethyst responded.

"And may I ask what is the value of the book?" asked the volunteer. "A hundred and five" Amethyst answered. The volunteer worker opened the book's front cover and immediately closed it.

"Hold on a sec, this book's been in a public bathroom" "Wh-What are you talking about? Th-That's ridiculous"

"It's been flagged! I could tell! I used to work at a Pages! Ms., we're trying to help the less fortunate, here! It's bad enough that big cities try to sweep 'em aside like they're garbage!"

"I'll, uh, settle for at least fifty..." Amethyst nervously shrugged. "I'll give you a better deal, you take that toilet book of yours outta here or I'll make you!" The volunteer employee threatened.

The next day, Steven was true to his word that Amethyst would pay him back one way or another. Steven and Connie were riding around town in a carriage being pulled by Amethyst in the form of a horse. 

Connie leaned into Steven, who had his arm around her and his other hand on the reigns. "This was a fun idea, Steven! I feel like a Victorian Era noblewoman!" said Connie. 

"What can I say? I'm nothing if not a hopeless romantic" Steven humbly replied. "Hey, Romeo, am I done here?" Amethyst asked. "I'll let you know when I feel your debt is paid off" said Steven. 

Connie's phone then beeped "Oh! We'd better hurry Steven! We gotta get to the theatre before the coming attractions start!" "Not to worry! Faster, horsey! Hyah! Hyah!" said Steven as he pulled out a whip and lashed Amethyst's backside, "encouraging" her to go faster.

"Is the whipping necessary!?" Amethyst complained. "Necessary? No. Satisfying? Yes" Steven responded. 

Chapter Text

Steven and Connie were expecting! They were excited of course, but also, a little nervous, as most first-time expecting parents would be. 

One night, Steven had a dream fueled by his pre-paternal jitters. He was in a nursery, turning on the bottle warmer for the baby's milk. 

He placed the baby down on a changing table, but then noticed the baby appeared to be sliding to the right, only to realize it wasn't a change table at all! He had put the baby on a conveyor belt headed towards a table saw! 

He quickly lifted up the baby and noticed that, instead of a baby, it had been a sack of apples! Panicking, he rushed for the oven, took out the pie, dug through it and took out the baby. 

He then heard the smoke detector! The bottle heater was on the fritz! It was smoking! Steven tried to get over to unplug the device so he could put out the fire but trips!

The baby flies out of his hands and crashes onto the floor, scattering in a way similar to a porcelain doll!

Steven woke up with a fright, but was then relieved that it had all just been a bad dream. Unbeknownst to Steven, Connie was having a dream about life after the baby is born, but hers was of a different nature.

Connie dreamed of herself being overweight and exercising. Her mother was visiting "Well, it's good to see you exercising, Connie!" "Just trying to lose a few pounds!" said Connie.

"Well, you'll lose plenty more once the baby's born" said Dr. Maheswaran. "Oh, no. I had the baby three months ago, Mom. These are pregnancy pounds I couldn't quite shake off, but I think I'm starting to get results!" 

Of course, Connie was merely gaining more weight, not less. Just then, Steven came in with a scantly clad blonde woman wearing a toolbelt and holding a plunger.

"Hey, Connie, can't talk now. I need to show the plumber the leaky faucet in the bedroom!" said Steven. Steven briskly led the "plumber" up the stairs.

"Told you he could be resourceful, Mom. Only Steven could find a plumber available at this hour" said Connie. "Yes indeed, how phat of you to notice" said Dr. Maheswaran.

Just then, Connie went to answer the door to find a bikini clad woman "Hi, I'm here about the cable problem you've been having" "Cable problem? I don't recall there being one" said Connie.

"I'll handle this, babe!" said Steven, rushing down the stairs "cable's out in the bedroom!" "Well, let's see what you got going on in there" said the "cable technician" 

Steven took her hand and escorted her to the bedroom. "Wow, he was able to notice an issue with the cable in our bedroom right away!" said Steven "Man, Steven's been on top of things recently. And talk about that service! I guess cable companies are improving service speed in order to compete with streaming services."

"Indeed, I think I should give Steven a chance, he might surprise me. I hope he can fit me in with all the other women he's sleeping with" said Dr. Maheswaran. 

"What did you say!?" said Connie, with her body noticeably larger. Steven then came down "Have you seen Dad and The Gems?" "Steven...am I still beautiful?" asked Connie, her body now very round. 

Just then the gems came in, wearing revealing outfits, followed by a brown haired woman wearing a sleeveless white shirt and ripped denim shorts, the typical outfit of Greg.

"Sorry we're late, Shtu-ball" said "Greg", apparently. "Ah yes, come on up, the bedroom's this way" said Steven "You're welcome too, Priyanka!"

"Yes! I thought you'd never ask! Great seeing you, Connie, bye!" said Priyanka as she followed the gems and "greg" into the bedroom. 

"Steven, wait!" Connie rushed after them, but couldn't fit through the doorframe "please! Tell me you still think I'm beautiful! Steven! Answer me!" 

Back in reality, Connie was weeping in her sleep, but then scrambled awake "Steven!" "What is it!?" asked Steven. "How dare you!!!" Connie smacked Steven in the face. 

"What!? What did I do!?" asked Steven. "You know what you did!" said Connie. "I'm sorry?" Steven responded.  Connie smacked Steven again "You should be!" 

Chapter Text

It was a boring, rainy day in Beach City. It had been a week since Steven's monster breakdown. The House was mostly repaired thanks to Bismuth's effort.

Steven was in a huge depressed slump after all that happened on that day. Greg was reclining in a chair, napping with his mouth wide open. Amethyst makes herself a huge bowl of popcorn and decides to sit next to Steven when she looked at Greg and got an idea.

Amethyst nudged Steven slightly, grabbing his attention. Amethyst aims carefully and tosses a piece of popcorn in Greg's direction, trying to have it land in his open mouth, the popcorn lands just below it, stuck in his beard. 

Witnessing this prompted a snort and smirk from Steven. He then decided to take a piece of popcorn out of the bowl and decided to try Amethyst's little trick himself, hoping he could get it into Greg's gaping maw. 

He tossed it, and the popcorn piece bounces right off of Greg's nose, Steven's snort and smirk had turned into a full on snicker and it didn't take Amethyst long to snicker along with him. 

And so, Steven and Amethyst each took turns trying to toss a piece of popcorn into Greg's mouth as he slept. Greg then started to shift, Steven and Amethyst froze for a moment, worrying he had woken up.

But no, he just shifted and was back to sleeping and Steven & Amethyst continued their little game, trying to hold back their laughter. "Ahem!" Pearl cleared her throat. 

Pearl was looking over at Steven and Amethyst with what appeared to be a disapproving look, but then to their surprise, Pearl took a handful of popcorn and decided to join in on the fun. 

The game continued until Greg suddenly woke up, and noticed all these popcorn kernels all over himself, he then looks to Amethyst, Steven and Pearl. "So, what's the score?" asked Greg 

Chapter Text

Pearl and Greg receive a summons to traffic court for Pearl's reckless driving on the night of the concert. Greg's summons was due to the fact that the Dondai Supremo was registered in Greg's name. 

Greg was in line first at Traffic Court "Mr. Universe, in light of your mostly clean driving record, I am going to be lenient" said The Judge "while you may have allowed an unlicensed driver to operate a vehicle registered in your name, I will not fine you on the condition that you attend a one hour court ordered parenting class, as you allowed your own son to be one of the passengers." 

"I understand. Thank you, your honor" said Greg as he left the line. "Next on the docket, the driver of Greg Universe's vehicle, Ms. Pearl" The Bailiff called out. 

"Alright, Pearl, remember, just remain calm and...don't be yourself" Greg advised. Pearl approached The Judge "Hello, Mr. Judge. I am Pearl of The Crystal Gems. I will be appearing in Pro Se, that is to say, no pun intended, I will be representing myself!"

"I know what "pro se" means, I went to law school" said The Judge. "And yet you wound up in traffic court" said Pearl. "She's doomed" Greg grumbled in the gallery. 

"If it would please the court, I would like to make an opening statement" said Pearl.

"The Court would advise that you make it brief, as the court had a dicey looking breakfast burrito this morning and just took an Imodium" The Judge responded. 

"Very well, one brief opening statement" said Pearl "like a milking stool, my case stands on three legs. Point the first, I was around since before traffic laws, and have operated more advanced machinery. Secondly, the driver riding the motorcycle was distracting me with her looks. And finally, my rights are being violated, I am unable to confront my accuser, to wit, a police car dashboard camera. So, understandable ignorance, a fellow driver distracting everyone, and unable to confront accuser. My milk stool is complete." 

"Well, that was a well worded statement" said The Judge. "Why thank you" said Pearl. "Guilty" The Judge banged his gavel. "What? B-but my argument" said Pearl. 

"Not being aware of the law is irrelevant. It still stands" said The Judge. "But...my fellow roadster..."

"The appearance of other drivers is subjective. That argument is invalid" said The Judge. "But I...you...you're completely ignoring the law!" said Pearl.

"No, I'm following the law, I'm ignoring you" said The Judge. "How dare you!?" Pearl scoffed "I'll have you know that I saved this planet numerous times, you just reside at the kiddie table of your profession!"

In the gallery, Greg facepalmed. "Ms. Pearl, before I have you arrested for contempt, I'm gonna give a chance to apologize for that remark" said The Judge. "I am not apologizing" said Pearl.

It wasn't too long before Pearl found herself in a holding cell. "Yo, mind turning around? Need to use the can" said her cellmate, pointing at the toilet.

"You mean, that silver thing's the toilet!?" asked Pearl. "Well, it's no wishing well" said The Cellmate. "But...there's no dividers or anything" said Pearl. "Yeah, that's why I need you to turn around" said Pearl's Cellmate.

Pearl runs to the bars of the cell "Guard! Guard! Call The Judge! Tell him I'm ready to apologize!"

Chapter Text

In Little Homeworld, Lapis was putting up some canvases for her art class when she noticed Peridot giggling with mischievous glee. "Hey, Peridot, what's got you in such a good mood?" asked Lapis.

"I just heard of this wonderful human holiday that happens on this very day of April First! It's called April Fools! It's a festival where humans play all sorts of funny gags on each other! You should see the one I just pulled on Steven!"

Steven came storming by "Somebody just slashed the tires on my car!" Peridot was giggling with glee as Lapis gave Peridot a disapproving look.

Much later after Lapis's class "Peridot, that was way too mean to be a joke. A practical joke's supposed to mildly annoy" said Lapis "you know what? I'll show you how it's done."

Fifteen minutes later, Pearl hears her phone ringing and began searching around for it "Here Pearl, is this yours?" asked Peridot, handing Pearl her cell phone.

"Oh, why thank you, Peridot" Pearl than answered the phone, holding it up to where her ear would be if she had one "Hello? Hello? Hmm...nobody's there."

Lapis snickered as she hung up the phone she was calling from. As Pearl took the phone away from her head, a noticeable black mark was on Pearl's face, making Peridot laugh. 

"What's so funny?" asked Pearl. "April fools!" said Peridot. Pearl then felt the side of her cheek and noticed the black substance all over it "What the!?"

"It's shoe polish!" said Peridot. "Oh, Peridot! You got me!" said Pearl with an unexpected laugh "How did I not notice it on the face of my phone?" 

Amethyst placed her hand on Peridot's shoulder "First rate pranking, Peridot, good job!" "Um, actually, it was my joke!" said Lapis.

"Well, she did help" said Peridot "but the prank was carried out by me, Peridot, the prank master!" Lapis felt betrayed by that. She was showing Peridot how to conduct a proper prank but then Peridot took the credit for all her work!

Later Peridot and Lapis joined Amethyst at Fish-Stu Pizza. Lapis was determined to show em that she was a true prankster, much more than Peridot. 

"Yo, Lapis, why you hanging around the door?" asked Amethyst. "Oh, just for my prank" said Lapis "Oh, Kofi! It's a bit drafty in here, mind closing the door?" 

Kofi happily came out from behind the counter "Of course not! It is, indeed, getting drafty in here." As Kofi went to close the door, he found that he couldn't get a steady grip on the door.

Kofi kept trying to grasp the doorknob but his hand kept sliding off as a liquid substance dripped off his hands. "Wh-what's wrong with this doorknob!?" Kofi stammered.

"HA! April Fools! I coated it in cooking oil!" said Lapis as Amethyst and Peridot laughed. "Good one, Lapis!" said Amethyst. "

"Yeah, you're almost as good at this as me! I don't mind sharing the title of Prank Master with you, Lapis!" said Peridot.

"Hey...the cooking oil you used...it wouldn't happen to be canola oil would it?" Kofi feebly asked as he grasped the hand he was grabbing the doorknob with. "Uh, why?" asked Lapis. 

"I'm allergic to canola!!!!" Kofi panicked "Kiki! Grab the first aid kit!" Lapis suddenly felt awkward. "Whoa! Seriously, Lapis? Not cool" said Amethyst.

"Yeah, take it from me, you took the joke too far" said Peridot. "Peridot was just fooling around, but you triggered someone's allergies, that's dangerous Lapis!" Amethyst scolded. 

"H-how was I supposed to know he was allergic to canola oil?" asked Lapis. Fifteen minutes later "Sorry for the wait, here's your pizza" said Kofi as he placed the pizza on the table.

Lapis noticed Kofi's hand and it seemed perfectly fine "Wait...your hand, it's okay?" "Yeah, almost as if he wasn't allergic to canola oil at all!" said Peridot as she, Amethyst, Kiki, Nanafua and Kofi all laughed.

"Wh-what?" asked Lapis. "Yup! It was all an elaborate prank set up by me! I had everyone involved!" said Peridot. "Good work, Peridot" said Steven as he walked into the restaurant.

"Steven? You too? You allowed Peridot to slash your tires for a joke?" asked Lapis. "Or did I?" Steven ominously responded. "That was also an elaborate setup by me!" said Peridot.

*Earlier that morning* 

Peridot leapt on Steven's bed, waking him up "Steven! This morning, when you drive into Little Homeworld, I want you to say to Lapis that someone slashed the tires on your car!" 

"O...okay..." said Steven.

"Okay, maybe not really "elaborate" but, you get the picture!" said Peridot. "Wow...I'm not even mad at you...you really are the prank master, Peridot." "Of course I am!" said Peridot.

"I can't believe she even got you in on it, Kofi" said Amethyst.

"Yup! What can I say? I couldn't resist the chance to get in on a prank! In real life, I am not so gullible!" said Kofi. Unbeknownst to him, Steven was dialing his cell phone.

"If I hadn't been in on the prank, I'd have seen the old cooking oil gag coming from a mile away!" Kofi continued "Yessir! I am the prankster, but not the prank victim!"

Just then Kofi heard the phone ring and went to answer it "Hello, Fish Stu Pizza! How can I help you? Hmm? Okay, sure. What's their name? Oh, okay, I'll check." 

Kofi placed his hand over the phone's mouthpiece and called out "Maya Rection! Is Maya Rection here? Hey! Has anyone here seen Maya Rection!?"

Everyone except Kofi began laughing as Steven hung up the phone. "What? What's so funny? I am just looking for Maya Rection!" Kofi continued.

"Perhaps you should start taking those little blue pills then!" Nanafua called out from the kitchen with a snicker. 

Chapter Text

"So, where are we going, Greg?" asked Pearl. "Well, business has been picking up, and I noticed how lax I've been running my business, not to mention all the papers you have from running Little Homeschool in Steven's stead, so I figured, we could use a filing cabinet" said Greg.

"Oh! So your business papers won't get mixed up with my school papers! What a practical idea, Greg!" said Pearl. "So, why am I here?" asked Amethyst. 

"Well, the cabinet's gonna be pretty heavy, so i needed some extra muscle" said Greg. "True. After all, those two hundred pounds of yours definitely ain't from muscle" Amethyst joked. 

"Beginning to regret bringing you along" Greg grumbled. 

Greg parked the van as they entered the store "Oh! The Big Swedish Superstore! I've always admired the Swedish! Their architecture is simply beautiful!" said Pearl. 

Pearl, Amethyst and Greg looked around the store going through all the sections until finding the business goods section. 

"Hey! This one looks pretty good, The Fyorkenbyorken!" said Greg. "Yes, it looks good, but will it fit in the van?" asked Pearl.

"You put it together yourself. All you need is me, Allen Wrench" said a mascot of an allen key. "Heh, he's named after what he is" Greg chuckled. Amethyst knocked on the mascot's costume which made a clanging sound.

"Cool costume, man" Amethyst commented. "It's not a costume. They found me inside a meteor" The mascot whispered in a robotic voice. 

"Hey, since I'm here, I am in need of a new shower curtain, do you know where those might be by any chance?" asked Greg. "Shower curtains? They'll be to the left of here" The Mascot said in a normal voice.

As Pearl and Greg left the mascot turned back to Amethyst, resuming his robotic voice "Help! I need tungsten to live! TUNGSTEN!" to which Amethyst freaked out.

Later, after they bought the cabinet home, Greg opened the box. "Holy cow! That's a lot of pieces!" He commented. "Oh relax, Greg, you don't need all of them" said Pearl.

"You sure?" asked Greg. "Of course I am, now I believe you should get back to the Car Wash, let me put this thing together! It will be done before you know it!" said Pearl.

"If you say so..." said Greg. About fifteen minutes later, Pearl was struggling with pieces "Just where are the instructions?" "I dunno, but these cartoons are really funny" said Amethyst holding piece of paper. 

"You're holding the instructions" pearl grumbled. "Ha! The triangle nose guy can't put his furniture together" Amethyst ignored her "Oh! Now he's calling the store! Ha ha ha!"

"Gimme that!" said Pearl as she snatched the paper from Amethyst.

It was now evening as Greg came home, wiping sweat off his brow "What!? You're not done yet!?" he exclaimed. "Hold on, I'm almost finished...now, on to step two" said Pearl.

"You could build a makeshift spaceship in one day, but it took you hours to complete the first step!?" "Easy, Greg, Rome was not built in a day" said Pearl.

"I'll bet their filing cabinets were..." Greg grumbled. "Well, if you want to do it, be my guest" said Pearl as she handed Greg the Allen Key. 

Fifteen minutes later, Pearl was in shock to find that Greg had completed it "See? I knew it shouldn't have taken you that long" said Greg.

"I...well, surely there must have been some mistake you've made" said Pearl. She went over to the cabinet and pulled open a drawer "Ha! See? This piece is sliding out!"

"Uh, yeah, it's a drawer, that's kinda how they work" said Greg. "Oooh! Looks Greg outsmarted Pearl!" Amethyst taunted. "B-but, this is a marvel of swedish engineering!" said Pearl.

"Yet it's so easy to put together, even a kid could do it" said Greg. 

Chapter Text

"Greg!" Pearl shouted from Greg's room. "Whoa, what's the problem?" Greg asked running upstairs. "Greg, what, may I ask, is this?" asked Pearl gesturing towards a pile of clothes.

"Um...a pile of clothes I already wore?" asked Greg. "You know, after the work I put into doing the laundry, I expect you to put the ones you plan on wearing again back in the drawers and put the rest in the hamper over there" said Pearl.

"Come on, it can't be that big of a deal, is it?" asked Greg "I mean, those clothes are just gonna get dirty again, so why put them back in the drawers or put 'em into the hamper?" 

"You know what...you're right, Greg" said Pearl. "I-I am?" "Indeed, since your clothes will just get dirty again, why bother doing laundry at all?" Pearl continued. 

"Uh, no, that's not what I..." Greg mumbled. "It saves me an hour and a half out of the day" said Pearl "gee, why didn't I realize this before! I'm through doing laundry Greg..."

"Pearl, wait!" Greg called out, but she was always headed downstairs "Hoo boy, what have I gotten myself into?" 

The next morning, Greg was finishing up his shower and tries to reach for a towel, only to find the towel rack empty "Pearl? PEARL!?" "Yes Greg?" Pearl answered from behind the bathroom door.

"Where are the towels!?" asked Greg. "I told you, didn't I? I won't be doing laundry anymore, that includes towels" Pearl explained.

Greg was grumbling as he begrudgingly used a bath mat instead of a towel. About an hour later, Greg waltzed down the stairs and Pearl looked on in shock and horror "Oh stars..." she moaned in disgust "Greg...what is this?"

"I'm naked" he answered. "Well I didn't think you were lugging around a wrinkly old purse, I meant why are you naked?"

"Well, if you won't do laundry, I won't wear clothes around the house. I hope the view of the ol' Steven factory doesn't bother you" Greg boasted. "Nope" Pearl lied.

The next morning, Greg was about to get dressed but remembered his feud with Pearl and decided to go downstairs once he heard her voice.

"Oh Pearl, Good Morn-!" Greg suddenly paused when he noticed all these assorted gem and human friends of Pearl's were all gathered in the living room, looking on at Greg, who quickly covered himself.

"Yeah, if you're not wearing clothes around here anymore, I'm not telling you when company's coming over" Pearl said with a smug grin.

"Alright! You win, I'll put away my clothes properly!" Greg said as he rushed upstairs. "Who was she?" asked one of Pearl's friends. 

Chapter Text

Pearl decided to take part in Amethyst's job program to give gems work on Earth, which has now spread county wide and Pearl was chosen to drive the school bus for the nearby local high school, as the current one had fallen ill from a bad burrito from a fast food place that had been bribing the health department instead of keeping up to code around noon.

So, for her first day on her temp job, Pearl was to pick up the high school students from the school and drop them off at their homes

Pearl was talking with the chairman of the local country school board "Well, you won't need to worry about me sir! I've done research on Teenagers! I won't let any of those kids cause any trouble" said Pearl.

"I wouldn't worry about that too much. These kids are actually pretty well behaved" said The School Board Chairman.

"Oh you sweet, simple man" Pearl scoffed "Teenagers are animals, savage, savage, animals. Well, except for My Steven and his Girlfriend Connie...not to mention those other teens he hung out with. It'll be like that Lord of The Rings book in there." 

"You mean Lord of The Flies?" The Chairman corrected. "You bet I do!" said Pearl.

Much later, Pearl picked up the students from the school and they each took their seats on the bus. Pearl stood up from the driver's seat and addressed them. 

"Attention children, your regular driver, Clarence, is currently sick at home. I don't what you psychos did to him, but there's a new sheriff in town and her name is Yes Ma'am! And she's not going to put up with your punk shenanigans!"  

In response to Pearl's announcement, one of the students raised his hand and asked "Excuse me? Mrs. Ma'am? Could you please give us an example of a shenanigan, so we could avoid that?" 

"Well, lucky you asked, because that's a shenanigan! Nose to the window!" Pearl barked. "Wha?" asked the student. "Nose! Now!" Pearl ordered. The student then reluctantly pressed his nose against the glass.

About fifteen minutes later, while driving the bus Pearl checks her rear view mirror and sees one of the students apparently reading, she quickly slammed the breaks and approached the student. 

"Alright, let's have it" Pearl said, holding her hand out towards the boy. "Have what?" "The liquor!" "What's liquor?" asked the student behind him.

"The stuff they warned us about in church group" The student pearl was talking to answered. "Oh, don't give me that church mouse and bookworm routine! Hand it over" said Pearl. 

"Mrs. Pearl, we assure you, we don't have any alcohol or anything bad" The student explained. "Very well, then I'll take this" said Pearl as she swiped a book out of his hands.

"That's my homework!" The student protested. "Then do it at home. New rule: No reading on the bus" said Pearl. "God loves you" said the student behind the other student as Pearl was making her way back to the driver's seat. 

Pearl paused, for a moment, she had no idea how to respond but simply says "You bet, he does." 

An hour later, Pearl was reading the book the student was reading "This title's misleading. Are they going to kill a mockingbird or not" The sound of a car honking was heard behind the bus.

"Hey! No honking! When the bus stops, you stop. Those are the rules of the road" Pearl chided the drivers behind him.

"Mrs. Pearl, you can't remain parked here all day, we need to get home" a female student told her. "Excuse me? Who's driving the bus, here?" Pearl responded. "No one right now" The Girl answered.

"Oh, a smart mouth, huh? Nose to the window!" Pearl punished her.

"If you don't get us home right now, I am going to write a stern letter to the school board! We will all write stern letters!" The Female student protested. 

"How will you write letters if I confiscate your pens?" Pearl asked "Everyone, hand over your pens and pencils. From now on, no writing on the bus!" 

"She can take our pens, but she can't take our spirits!" said the female student's boyfriend. "Spirits? I knew you had liquor on you!" Pearl accused.

"We don't have any booze! Enough is enough!" The Boyfriend declared.

Pearl suddenly found herself overwhelmed! The teens were now acting like the teens she had seen on TV. Rioting and throwing papers everywhere.

"Whoa! Hold on! I'll give you your pens back!" Pearl called out. A police officer knocked on the door, Pearl opened the door to let him in. "Officer! Thank goodness you're here, I'm in over my head!"

"Holy hell! What the heck happened here!?" The officer asked. "How am I supposed to know? I was just doing my job!" said Pearl. 

"This is certainly surprising. I've known these kids since they were in elementary school. I've never seen 'em act like this" said The officer "that one over there's in a church group!"

"It's probably all that hip-hop music that glorifies gang life or something!" Pearl guessed. "Look, let me handle this" said The Officer "these kids know me, they'll listen...

The officer took a few steps forward "Everyone! It's me! Officer Smith! Calm down and take your seats-" suddenly a book flew spine first into the officer's forehead, knocking him out. 

The students suddenly stopped as the student who threw the book was frozen and all he could say was "Oopsie..."

Later that day, Pearl returned home...fired. "And almost right after the officer knocked out, they all started crying and praying...the school board chairman was right...they were good kids" said Pearl.

"Well, just goes to show you can't judge an entire generation based on one or two documentaries. Heck, most of the research in those documentaries are localized to certain parts of the world, it doesn't apply to the entire generation as a whole" said Greg. 

Chapter Text

Peridot was excited when she was browsing the social media website, Y, formally known as Squawker until it was bought by big tech mogul Egon Dusk, who was well known for his electric car company, Edison. 

Peridot was squealing with excitement! "Peridot, I can here you from the other end of Little Homeworld" Lapis complained "what's the commotion?" 

Peridot showed Lapis her tablet "Look! It's Dick Richards! The actor who played Percy in Camp Pining Hearts!" "Uh, yeah, so? I already knew you followed him on Squawker" said Lapis.

"Lapis, it's called Y, now!" Peridot chided. "Why?" "Yes!" "No, I mean why is it now called....oh forget it, we've had this conversation before" Lapis gave up. 

"Anyway, look at his latest post! He's in Nexdover the town next over, he's planning on going to an Italian Eatery there!" said Peridot "We gotta go now and meet him!"

"Peridot, we can't just go over to where he just so happens to be eating" said Lapis. "Yes we can, it's only a hop and a skip away!" Peridot argued.

"Okay, yes, we could but that doesn't mean we should" Lapis advised. "Come on, Lapis, you know I've been wanting to start a Camp Pining Hearts convention for months now! We could ask him to be a special guest!" 

"Peridot, I know you like CPH, and so do I. But, Mr. Richards has a life outside that show, especially since the show ended twenty six years ago. I think we should respect his privacy" said Lapis.

"If he wanted privacy, he wouldn't have become famous!" said Peridot. "Alright, fine, you can go, but if it gets you in trouble, don't come crying to me" said Lapis.

Fifteen minutes later, at the Italian place, the actor who played Percy, Dick Richards, who is now in his early 40s, was looking at the menu but he felt a sudden presence as he put down his menu and saw Peridot looking at him with a fanatical grin on his face. 

Dick sighed "Let me guess, you love Camp Pining Hearts..." Peridot nodded excitedly. "You know I've been in other shows and even a few Hollywood Blockbusters?" he continued. 

Peridot once again nodded. "But you don't care about any of those, do ya?" Peridot shook her head no. The actor then examined Peridot and leaned in, inviting her to lean in too.

"I've got one thing to say to crazed fangirls like you...I like Camp Pining Hearts too! Come on, sit down!" He invited.

"Oh my goodness! Thank you! You know, my friend Lapis said you wouldn't want to be bothered!" Peridot gratefully accepted. "Well, your friend Lapis sounds like a real buzzkill" Dick responded. 

"Oh yes! Yes she is!" said Peridot in the tone of a fangirl who simps for her idol. "So, tell me, how old are you?" He then asked. "Oh, well, In earth years I am around 3000 years old" said Peridot.

"Oh, so you're legal" He said. "I don't know what that means, but yes!"

*six years later*

Lapis was sitting next to a blonde haired kid with a gem like Peridot's on his forehead who was lying in bed "And that's how your parents met, and your no good father got away scot-free" Lapis narrated.

As Lapis was about to leave the bedroom "Aunty Lapis" the boy called out. "Yeah...?" "I love you!" Lapis went back to the bed and kissed the boy on his forehead "Yeah, I love you too, you little monster." to which the boy giggled. 

Chapter Text

"Hey, what are you up to, Pearl?" asked Greg as he noticed Pearl was planning something.

"Oh, well, me and a few friends have all read this book and found that we all enjoyed it. So we decided to form a book club because of it" Pearl responded. "Oh, can I join?" asked Greg.

"Really? You would like to join my book club? You?" asked Pearl. "Yeah, I'm a voluptuous reader. Where did you think Steven got his love of books from?" asked Greg. 

"From the time we grounded him from TV" Pearl answered. "Well, anyway, have you already picked a book? Because I've been meaning to read The Saint in Empire City" Greg suggested.

"The What?" "Simon Templar, The Saint, he's a British Sleuth. It's a real fish out of water story. You see, ordinarily, he fights British crooks and scammers. But in this one, he goes to Empire City and fights The Mafia!"

"Erm, well...actually, we're reading The Life of Pi. It's similar to the book you suggested, in that it's a fish out of water story" Pearl corrected him "It's about a boy who's trapped in a lifeboat with a tiger."

"Alright, I'm game...say, will there be little sandwiches there?" asked Greg. "Well, yes, we do have a few humans in the club already, so there will be refreshments and sandwiches" said Pearl.

Pearl was suddenly regretting her decision by letting Greg join. She imagined a scenario where Greg embarrassed her by bringing up his lowbrow tastes to her book club and the friends she made the club with were looking at Pearl with disgust. 

"No, I can't let this happen...but I can't disappoint him by saying he can't join...." Pearl thought to herself "but if The Phonetician from My Fair Lady can turn that Cockney Flower Girl into a real Belle of The Ball...then I can Greg a presentable member of the club!"

It was almost time for the book club to get together "Alright, Greg, here's a synopsis of the book and I wrote down some opinions on flashcards so you won't feel left out" 

"Pearl, I read the book, I saw your copy lying around and I'm a quarter of the way done with it" said Greg. "You did? Well, that's-" Pearl was interrupted by her book club coming in. 

Pearl braced herself and hoped that Greg will not humiliate her with his usual dribble.

In the book club was, Yellow Diamond's Pearl, Blue Diamond's Pearl, Bismuth, Nanafua and a snobbish looking woman. They all discussed the book in great detail. 

"Mr. Universe, you've been quite quiet for a while, what did you think of The Life of Pie?" asked The snobbish woman.

"Um, Greg, how about you go to the kitchen for a glass of water before you answer Marie's question?" Pearl suggested, holding out the flashcards she prepped for him. 

Greg simply gave Pearl an annoyed look but then turned his attention back to Marie "I thought it was quite interesting..." Pearl then feared for the worse the moment Greg spoke.

"Like, both Pi and The Tiger found themselves whisked out of their usual environment by a storm at sea" Greg continued "and trapped within the confines of a lifeboat, they're forced to reconstruct their social reality." 

Pearl was taken aback by Greg's surprisingly intellectual viewpoint, it was completely different from the pre-written opinions she had written down for him, which she based off of Greg's usual banter. 

"Yes! Couldn't have said it any better myself. I wish my students were more like you, I teach English in High School, you see" Marie responded. 

"The whole time I was reading it, I was just hoping The Boy would be okay, that I never considered that point of view" said Blue Pearl.

"You know what book this one reminded me of? The Saint In Empire City" Greg continued, to which Pearl facepalmed "you see, in that book, Simon Templar, nicknamed "The Saint" normally fights the British Underworld, but in this book, he goes to Empire to take on The Mafia."

"Ah, so he's taken out of his normal environment" Marie commented. "Exactly" "But is he forced to reconstruct his social reality?" asked Yellow Pearl. 

"No...he just fights The Mafia" Greg admitted. "This saint book sounds good, though" said Nanafua "perhaps we can read that one next!"

"Wait, wait, wait! I thought we were gonna read 100 Years of Solitude, next" said Pearl. "I don't know, that sounds like a lot of solitude" said Yellow Pearl. 

"Yes, I've had all these intellectual stories in my usual curriculum for my classes, it'd be nice to get out of my comfort zone for a change" Marie concluded. 

"You see, The Saint in Empire City's got con men and gunfights" said Greg. "Ooooh! Sorry, Pearl, I love ya, but this sounds more like my kind of story" said Bismuth. 

A few weeks later, Pearl approached Marie in the supermarket "Oh, Marie, I need to talk to you about book club"

"Oh yes! I've been enjoying Greg's picks the last few weeks! I really loved Mack Bolen Executioner #147! As for this week's book, I've just started reading it but, I think First Blood might just be my favorite!" 

"Yes, great to hear but...I can't help but feel that we've been deviating from the type of books we should be reading" Pearl interrupted "I mean, first that saint thing and then those two James Bond books. Don't you think we should be reading books we can learn from?" 

"This must be how I sound to my students..." Marie reflected "perhaps I should change my approach to my lesson planning and be less judgmental of what they base their book reports on." 

"Hey! Marie! Pearl! I knew it was you when I heard you! And to answer your question, Pearl, I think we've been learning a lot from book club" said Nanafua "I didn't know there were James Bond books, now I've read two of them!"

"I love how you can use your imagination to make any James Bond you want" Marie concurred "I combined Roger Moore's accent with Sean Connery's good looks"

"And what about Piers Brosnan?" asked Nanafua. "His ass" Marie answered. "Ah! Perfect! See you at Book Club." 

Next week, they were discussing First Blood "What I really enjoyed about First Blood is the psychological complexity of John Rambo" said Yellow Pearl. 

"Indeed, Rambo's journey says a lot about society and how we treat people who perform unpopular but arguably necessary tasks" Marie agreed. 

"I like the part where he knifes the guy!" said Bismuth. "Yeah! Ha ha ha! That was awesome!" said Greg. "That was cool!" said Blue Pearl. 

"Oh enough!" Pearl complained "there is more to literature than detectives, spies and mercenaries!" "Hold on, Pearl! John Rambo isn't a spy or detective!" said Marie. 

"He's just an ordinary man who was drafted into the army and sent into battle with impossible odds" said Yellow Pearl.

"If you didn't read the book, fine. But don't belittle it because you didn't do your homework" Nanafua scolded. "I...I" Pearl stammered. "At least read a synopsis" said Marie. 

"I...I read the book!" Pearl argued. "Maybe Pearl would like to go to the kitchen and get some water" said Greg using her own words against her. 

"Oh stop this! If we're gonna read books like this, we might as well sit around and watch movies!" said Pearl. "You know, she makes a good point" said Greg. 

"You're absolutely right, Pearl..." said Marie "we should just watch the movies!" "Indeed, I'm getting kind of tired of using my imagination" said Bismuth. 

"Then it's decided, from now on, we just watch movies!" said Blue Pearl. "Then we'll shoot pool!" said Yellow Pearl. "How about this for a first movie? Delta Force!" Greg suggested.

"Good idea!" said Marie. "Oh, I give up..." Pearl groaned

Chapter Text

Peridot and Lapis were hanging out in their home on Little Homeworld when Peridot noticed it "Hey, what's that?" "What's what?" asked Lapis.

"There it is again! It's a mouse!" said Peridot. "We don't have mice here" said Lapis. "I know what I saw! It was a mouse! The biggest one I've ever seen! It was as big as a gopher!" Peridot argued.

"If it was a big as a gopher, then you know what it might have been?" asked Lapis. "It wasn't a gopher, it was a mouse! And I'm gonna catch it!" Peridot declared.

"Oh father..." a cartoon cat on TV said. 

Fifteen minutes later, Peridot was setting up some mouse traps when Steven came over to see what she was up to "Hey Peridot!"

"Hey, Steven, I am about to catch that mouse!" said Peridot "I baited the traps with hard candy. Most people use cheese but most people are stupid. Mice like candy!" 

Steven examined the traps and gasped "Those are the traps that kill them!" "Yes, and?" "You can't kill the mouse, he's cute!" said Steven.

"You haven't seen it" Peridot argued. "Don't have to. With it's little ears, little nose, tapping the keys on its small piano" Steven said. "Right, I forgot you were an animal lover" Peridot rolled her eyes.

"Yup, why just last month, I nursed an injured owl back to health" said Steven.

*last month*

Steven had a special glove on with an owl perched on it. "Well, as much as I hate to do it, your wing's all better so it's time to let you go. Fly away, Hooty" said Steven.

He thrust his arm forward, encouraging the raptor to fly off "Go Hooty Go!"

"Hooty did one majestic loop in the air and screeched goodbye...maybe I should have called him Screechy" Steven recalled. "Bird lover..." said Peridot.

"I've got more humane traps you could use. Use the catch and release method" Steven suggested. "I prefer your Uncle Andy's kill and flush method" said Peridot.

"Alright, fine. But if you use your traps, here's what will happen to your mouse" said Steven as he picked up a bread stick. "That's a bread stick..." "Pretend it's a mouse"

"Alright kids, I'm off to get some food" Steven said in a high pitched voice, as he took out another breadstick. "try and get us some hard candy" "Who's the other breadstick?" "His kids"

"Oh, so other breadsticks" "Let me get back on topic" said Steven as he cleared his throat and continued his shtick "okay...It shouldn't be hard, what with me being five days away from retirement, whoo hoo!"

Steven then moved the breadstick as if it were walking, right onto the mousetrap, which snapped and split the breadstick clean in half "The end..." "Oh no!" Peridot exclaimed.

"Yeah, it's horrible, isn't it?" said Steven. "No! While I was watching your silly puppet show, the mouse took all the candy!" Peridot pointed to all the untriggered mousetraps, all missing bait.

"Good job, Squeaky!" Steven commented.

Much to Peridot's protests, Steven replaced the mousetraps with a box and a string and placed jellybeans under it. "That trap is so privative, it could never..." Peridot got interrupted by the collapsing of the box, with the mouse inside.

Steven slid paper under the box and lifted it up "There he is, we got 'em!" said Steven "isn't he cute." "Okay, I suppose he is...but I want him run out of town" said Peridot "but I'm only being kind because he was a worthy adversary...and so close to retirement."

And so, Steven and Peridot took the box with the mouse into a field and let it go "Goodbye Squeaky" said Steven. "May the wind be always at your back" said Peridot.

Suddenly, a screeching of an owl could be heard from a distance, one that Steven immediately recognized "No Hooty! No!" 

But it was too late, the owl swooped down and took the mouse away. "Ah! The Circle of Life Method! I like it!" said Peridot. Steven, however, was traumatized. 

Chapter Text

Greg was finishing up messaging Steven who was on a date with Connie. When he was finished, he decided to take a bath. He picked up a small bar of soap but stubbed his toe on the bathtub 

In the shock of stubbing his toe, he dropped the little sliver of a soap bar "Darn soap!" he went around to look for it, but slipped on it, loosening his grip on the phone, the unintentional sliding of the finger accidently activating FaceChronicle Live.

At the restaurant where Steven and Connie were dining, Steven notices a notification on his phone "Huh? Dad's gone live" "Let's see what it's about" said Connie.

They both looked at the screen of Steven's phone "What the? This is...the ceiling of my bathroom?" Steven wondered.

"Oh where is it?" said the audio of Greg's voice "Aw man, It's gotten so small I can't even find it anymore" Steven and Connie had equally stunned expressions on their faces. 

"Whatever this is...it better not be genetic..." Steven grumbled. 

The next day, Greg woke up and went about his day as usual, but noticed the gems giggling while looking at Pearl's phone, they looked at Greg and snickered again.

"What's gotten into them?" Greg wondered. When he went to The Big Donut for his morning coffee, he noticed all the patrons laughing.

"What's so funny?" Greg asked. "You really don't know, Universe?" asked Bill Dewey "you're the newest viral sensation!" 

He showed Greg a clip of his unintentional livestream, the part where he says "Where is it!? It's gotten so small, I can't even find it anymore!" 

Greg panicked once he realied what had happened. That's when he noticed a bunch of attractive young woman pointing at him and laughing, whispering amongst themselves and making clear emasculating gestures.

"I WAS TALKING ABOUT SOAP! I WAS TALKING ABOUT SOOOOAP!" Greg shouted. 

Chapter Text

It had been a week since Steven left Beach City to find his calling. At first, Pearl was unsure of Greg moving in, as he was a bit more slothenly than Steven was, in terms of appearance.

But to her surprise, Greg had been very respectful of how Pearl liked to keep the house.

"You know, Greg, I had my doubts about you moving in here, but things have been nice so far" Pearl complimented. 

"Thanks, Pearl, that means a lot coming from you" Greg answered.

"And I must say, the bathroom has never been cleaner. Less empty bottles of lotion lying around" said Pearl. 

"Lotion?" asked Greg.

"Yes, I don't know why, but Steven would frequently buy, like, practically a box load of this hand lotion and then he spends practically five hours in the bathroom going through like, ten of them! Greg, you were his age once, what would a sixteen year old boy want with all that lotion?" 

Greg put his hand on Pearl's shoulder "Pearl, trust me, you don't want to know." 

Chapter Text

Greg was coming home when he saw all these dolls everywhere. "Oh, Greg, sorry! I forgot to tell you, today is day 1 of reorganizing everything I stored in my gem, today is my doll day" said Pearl "I do this every now and again, I collect things like Amethyst does...accept I like to keep things organized. So, I hope you're okay with it."

"Ah, don't worry, Pearl, this is nowhere near as bad as my storage locker was-GYAAAH!" Greg suddenly recoiled at the sight of one doll in particular at the breakfast table.

The doll had brownish yellow hair tied in a bun, and narrow exhausted looking eyes. "What? What's wrong, Greg?" asked Pearl. 

"That doll...that doll on the table...it looks like my mother" said Greg. "Oh, don't be silly, I got this doll in Germany in the 1850s" said Pearl "I doubt your parents were born yet."

"I know, but, the doll looks almost exactly like her" said Greg "The resemblance is uncanny..." "It's a doll, Greg" Pearl rolled her eyes.

Greg flashed one uncomfortable look at the doll before going upstairs.

Later on, Greg made himself a hot dog for dinner when he suddenly heard the voice of his mother in his head "Hot dogs? Really? You know those aren't good for you, especially at your age"

Greg tried ignoring her as he reached for the ketchup bottle and began applying ketchup. "And what's with all that ketchup? What do you need all that ketchup for!?" 

"I bought this ketchup, specifically so that I could use however much of it as I want!" Greg answered his hallucination as he picked up the hot dog.

"Don't eat with your hands, Greg, you're not a gorilla!" The hallucination of his mother's voice continued, as Greg began frantically eating his hot dog "and why are you eating so fast? You can't even taste it!!!"

"Don't tell me how to eat!" Greg fumed. "And what's with that shirt?! You've had it for twenty years. WHY DON'T YOU BUY A NEW ONE!?" The hallucination continued. 

"I happen to like this shirt!!" Greg answered the disembodied voice of his mother as he looked the doll in the eyes.

"It's always the same with you, no sense of style, no sense of direction, no common sense" The hallucination continued "this is why you failed as a musician, you know."

"Shut up! Shut up!! SHUT UP!!!" Greg snarled as he got up, picked up the doll and twisted its head off and slammed the head on the floor, shattering the porcelain it was made out of.

Pearl gasped in shock. "Eh, it was an ugly doll anyway" Amethyst shrugged. "Well, Greg, I hope you're happy. I was going to sell that at the antiques roadshow" said Pearl "just stay away from my ventriloquist dummies."

Pearl lifted up a dummy with a moustache, glasses and a balding head. Greg immediately noticed the resemblance to his father as he heard his father's voice 

"That you could get away from me, did ya, moron? Ha! Ha! Ha!" the disembodied voice of Greg's father mocked. "AAAAAAH! NOOOOOO!" Greg dashed out the door in a panic.

"Perhaps we should call Dr. Maheswaran and ask what the early signs of dementia are" Pearl wondered.