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NB! This fic can be read on Tumblr too! Link-y thing here.
Yeah, just keep laughing
It’s hard to keep going. My body is fighting me every step of the way. The rain is pouring down around me, the droplets hitting my skin hard and fast. They feel like tiny needles made of pure ice, penetrating my skin. It hurts so much, but I still keep going, still keep forcing myself to push harder by playing the same memories in my mind again and again.
It’s Sunday, early morning. The Alpha pack has only just been defeated by one of their old emissaries turned Darach and the pack managed to end the Darach after she took care of the Alphas.
Derek starts laughing the second he sees me get out of my brother’s jeep. He asks me if such a little lamb as me should be playing with the big bad wolves while flashing his red eyes at me. I give him the finger, which just makes him laugh harder.
When I stop next to Scott, he just gives me a tight smile and a shrug, saying, “At least he’s smiling and making jokes.” I don’t know how to answer, so instead I look at Erica and Boyd, Derek’s handpicked betas we managed to save from the Alpha pack because of me and my brother’s quick thinking. If I hadn’t noticed the weird material the vault had been made off, we would probably all be dead.
I shake my head to get that memory to go away, earning a slap in the face from my wet ponytail. Just as my mind quiets, a new memory jumps up.
We’re renovating the old Hale house. I’m asking Derek were I can find a ladder so I can reach the top of the windows that I’m cleaning. He thinks for a second before grinning and then he picks me up, hands under arms-style like I’m a fucking baby. He puts me on one of his shoulders and goes over to the window I was working on, saying there you go.
When I finally get him to put me down, and goes off to rage off in the woods, Scott still just shrugs and says “at least he’s happy” when he finds me. I seriously consider slapping Scott too.
That is how I fight my way through obstacle after obstacle on this brutal obstacle-course Derek has put up for us for this week’s pack training. Motivating myself with old memories.
Derek grinning at me when I can’t reach the top shelfs. Derek holding something I want out of my reach. Derek asking again and again how Stiles can be so much higher than me when we’re supposed to be twins. Me answering him again and again that fraternal twins aren’t identical. Derek constantly commenting my height, teasing me.
Derek suddenly changing tactics. Becoming much more serious, and cruel in his comments. There’s no more teasing, just avoidance and harsh comments when I fail at doing something, when I get myself in danger.
Scott stops commenting on Derek’s behavior. He can see it for what it is too. An attempt to get rid of me. Lydia says it’s because of the monsters that have started invading Beacon Hills again because of the nemeton. It doesn’t make life easier for Scott, Allison or my brother. They were the reason the nemeton got its power back.
I shake my head again, stopping to lean against a tree I know I have to climb in a few seconds. I rub my forehead, willing the images of my brother possessed by a nogitsune away. It was one of the worst months of my life. First thinking he had the same decease as our mom had, then finding out it is much more sinister. Much more supernatural. Much more deadly.
Luckily we managed to save him, with help from Kira and her mother, but we suffered greatly for it. Allison paid with her life and there isn’t one day where I don’t regret it. Every time her name comes up I watch Scott’s face fall. My heart bleeds for him. I know he’s happy with Kira, but you never get over your first love dying.
Why am I even doing here, running around in a forest this late in the afternoon, completely soaked through to the bone? Why do I have such a need to prove myself to Derek?
I want to stay in the pack. That’s right. He is trying to get rid of me, rather hard if this obstacle-course is anything to go by. Every obstacle is too tall for me. Those that the others would just jump over I have to fucking climb, which explains why everyone have passed me twice already. I’m beginning to feel slightly pissed off, especially when one last memory pops up.
Derek has pulled me aside at a pack meeting. I’ve only just gotten out of a nasty hostage situation a few days ago, so I’m still healing from a bunch of smaller injuries. He’s staring at me, eyebrows pinched together. “You want to be pack?” he asks and I nod, “Then you need to learn how to defend yourself. We can’t keep coming to your rescue and you’re so tiny that you are an easy target for our enemies. So you train when we train. You eat when we eat, you sleep when we sleep and you listen to what I say. No exceptions.”
Right. Well, Derek could at least have made the course doable for a human, or at least just a normal sized person. I’m only 5’1. Everyone else is over 6 feet, even my own damn brother. Speaking of which, I’m sure that’s him I can see in the distance, running the opposite way of the course, probably trying to figure out why I’m taking so damn long to finish.
“Hey sis” Stiles grins at me when he reaches me. He starts jogging backwards in the pace I’m running. I hate his guts for how good he has become at this. Two years ago he could barely stand up from a chair without breaking something. Now he’s this buffed up dude that makes everything seem so easy, and it’s not like the pack didn’t have enough of those around. The nogitsune really did something to him. He has never really been the same spastic Stiles after.
“Shut up” I just tell him and brace myself for another climb over what I assume should be a hurdle. It reaches my stomach. There’s no way in hell I can jump that.
“Who pissed on your cereal this morning?” he asks.
“If I have had time to have any, you know damn well who it would be” I growl at him before I persuade my legs to keep running once the small row of hurdles are behind me.
“He’s just doing this for your own good” Stiles says.
“Yeah, well Derek needs a fucking wakeup call” I say, “How the hell am I supposed to get over obstacles that’s practically as high as me?” I stop before a network of robes hanging far over my head. I know I’m supposed to jump up to grab a robe and then pull myself all the way up so I can get over the wall of logs right in front of me, but there’s just no way that’s happening.
“Come on, let’s just go around” Stiles says, gesturing to the little trail to the left. I can see how Derek has used his claws to get rid of the thick undergrowth and I hate the fact that he knew I would never be able to do this, so he put in a cheat route for me. Bastard.
“No” I say, stamping my foot on the ground. I dry off my hands on my already soaked running tights and wave Stiles closer to me. “Give me a boost” I tell him.
“Y/n, you don’t have to do this” Stiles says, “Derek’s just being a dick. He made the course extra high today just to mess with you.”
“And that exactly why I am finishing this as legitimately as possible. Now get over here and boost me up or I’ll just climb you myself” I say, sending him one of my more deadly stares. I learned that one from mom. Stiles tries to play tough for about a minute before he deflates with a sigh and walks over to offer me his folded hands. He always lost to mom’s stare too.
Stiles pulls his hands upwards and I practically fly up to the robes. I manage to catch one of them with a hand and I struggle to cling to it. It’s wet and slippery, covered in small splatters of mud from when the others climbed them. It makes it really difficult to hang on.
I manage to pull myself all the way up to the top of the wall and then swing myself over to the wall itself. Once I’m there I have to sit down and take a minute to breathe.
The other side of the wall is not made of logs, but rather one large piece of wood with a smooth surface. It’s slightly sloped, like a really steep slide. I can see Stiles waiting for me at the bottom of the wall that suddenly seems way too tall.
“How am I supposed to get down from here?” I ask Stiles.
“Slide” he answers, “Put one foot under your butt and use the other to keep your balance.”
“Yeah, right. No problem” I say. Well at least I don’t weight as much as the others so I shouldn’t hit the ground too hard. I can possibly get enough speed to do that.
I push myself out so I’m sitting right on the edge and I’m about to do the foot trick Stiles told me to do when the hand I have put my weight on slips. I don’t register anything but a deep suction in my belly and a stab of fear before I’m rolling down the wall.
There’s a sickening crack when I land and the air rushes out of me instantly. It takes me almost a minute before I remember how to breathe again and once I have taken the first breath of air, the pain finally comes slamming into my body.
“Argh, shit shit shit” I curse under my breath. It’s differently my left foot, I can feel that much. Perhaps my shoulder too. Fuck it hurts.
“Y/n!” Stiles shouts, “Are you okay? Where does it hurt?” His hands are flickering over me, afraid to touch. I can’t help the pained smile that spreads across my face. There’s the brother I know.
“My foot” I answer him, “I think it’s broken.” Stiles curses too, ripping at his hair.
“Of all the stupid things to do, it had to be this” he scolds me, “Why didn’t you just go around it?”
“Because I needed to prove a point!” I hiss in pain when he tries to help me sit up. He quickly lets go again.
“You don’t need to prove anything to anyone” Stiles says. I open my mouth to tell him differently, but in the same instance the sound of slapping running steps rushes towards us. I can see the pack coming and within a minute I’m surrounded by wolves that all ask what happened and if I am okay.
It’s Scott that barks loud enough to get them to back up so he can check me. He leans over me, pushing Stiles out of the way when he doesn’t move himself.
“Hey y/n” he says.
“Heya Scotty” I greet him, “It seems like I have gotten myself into some trouble.”
“It seems so” he says, “Where does it hurt?” There’s a flash of something in Scott’s gaze and it changes from soft to serious in seconds. He’s in doctor mode now.
“My left foot and shoulder” I answer.
“What happened?”
“She was an idiot and tried proving a point by crawling over the wall” Stiles answer for me. I send him a glare before saying, “I fell.”
“From the top?”
“Yeah.” I know better than to try and move, allowing him to do that for me instead. Scott gently supports my neck and head when he rolls me around to lie on my back.
“Okay, I can check your foot and shoulder but we have to get you to the hospital so they can make sure your neck isn’t damaged, okay?” I sigh but says yes.
Scott turns towards Stiles when he does nothing but stare at me with blank eyes.
“Stiles!” Scott barks. Stiles startles. His eyes snap over to Scott.
“What?”
“Call 911” he says, “Tell them that you have a potential neck fracture and tell them to hurry up.” Stiles quickly pulls his phone out and scrambles away to make the call. I sigh again to myself, feeling embarrassed beyond belief.
This is just another reason for Derek to hate my guts. God I’m stupid. Why do I even keep trying?
“Guys, stop staring at me like I’m gonna die” I tell Isaac, Erica, and Boyd that’s just standing with their arms around each other a few feet away. Lydia is standing next to them, looking over her nails. She sends me a smile and a wink when our eyes meet. Kira just tries to give me a genuine smile, but fails miserably.
My eyes linger a little too long on Derek, who’s standing behind all of them with crossed arms and a pissed off expression on his face. I’m not even in the mood to try and wipe that self-righteousness off his stupid face. Besides, I’m too embarrassed to even try and say something to him right now.
Scott wriggles my foot carefully and a pained yelp escapes me almost instantly. He was smart enough to keep a hand on my chest, pressing me down into the ground or I would have moved without a doubt. “Yep, that’s differently broken” he says before he rips his t-shirt off to use it as a makeshift bandage. He ties it around two small branches placed on each side of my foot to fixate it so it doesn’t get worse than it is, before he moves on to gently feel my collarbone and shoulder.
It’s sore, but not unbearably painful when he touches it. “I think that might just be a minor sprain, or maybe just a bad bruise” Scott says, “Now, did you hit your head on your way down?”
“I can’t remember. It happened so fast” I answer, “But probably. I rolled down.”
“Did you land on your head?” he asks.
“No, my foot.” To that he nods satisfied.
“Well, I don’t think we have anything to worry about with your neck, but just to be sure we have to let a real doctor take a look. So no moving!” He points a finger at my nose and poke it when I just stick my tongue out at him.
A few minutes later the wolves hear the telltale sound of sirens in the air. Two minutes later I do too.
“There is nothing wrong with your neck Miss Y/L/N” the doctor says, “Or any other part of you, besides your leg of course.” My eyes flicker down to the large white abomination that is my leg now. It wasn’t a complete break, but more a few cracks in the bones. Six weeks in plaster and a strict don’t-walk-on-it message from the doctor. Great. How am I supposed to exercise now?
Dad drives me and Stiles home, giving us the silent treatment all the way. I know he’s pissed at us. He never approved of us hanging out with the pack, but he don’t want to dictate our life either, so he’s caught in between some very difficult feelings.
I keep quiet and let him stay in his own thoughts, knowing that the confrontation will come sometime soon.
When we arrive at home, Stiles is the one who picks me up to carry me to my room. Dad doesn’t say anything but just strokes a hand over my hair, giving me a tired smile. It’s not difficult to see how worn out he feels. His smile never really reaches his eyes, but despite that I can still see the love shining in them, and the concern too. God, we bring him so much suffering. I really hate that I can’t just stop being with the pack. I know it would be a lot easier on Dad if me and Stiles just lived normal human lives.
I bet Derek would be thrilled to get rid of the two incompetent humans that slows his pack down too.
Stiles puts me down in my desk chair and not on my bed. I like that he knows I can’t sit still in my bed for hours, even if I had my laptop with me over there. “Thanks bro” I say, ruffling his long hair. I like that look on him. It’s so much better than the buzz cut he had for years after mom died.
When Stiles leaves I spend I few hours just surfing online, killing time. At dinnertime Stiles comes back to help me down and then back up again. This time I tell him to just dump me on the bed. I want to watch some Netflix before I go to sleep and this way he doesn’t have to come back to help me or I don’t have to make the awkward shuffle in the desk chair to move it to the bed and then the even more awkward flop down onto my bed.
I’m about halfway through the second episode of my re-watch of Sherlock, when I hear the telltale sound of my window sliding open. I don’t even bother with turning off my video or even acknowledging Derek’s presence in my room.
After five minutes of him just standing in the corner covered by shadows, breathing so heavily that one would think he was an asthmatic, I finally cave in and pause my video.
“What do you want?” I ask.
“Talk.” The one-word-answer treatment. I had thought Derek had evolved much more over the last two years.
“If you have come here to lecture me, then you can just leave again, please” I say. I make a show out of putting my laptop down on my bed and shifting my body so I’m leaning against the headboard more comfortably.
“I just want to know why” he growls, “Of all the stupid things you could have done, why try to do something that is clearly impossible for you?”
“Because of that” I answer, “Because you think it impossible for me to do the same things that you guys can.”
“You are human!” he barks.
“I am pack” I retort, holding a finger up before he even opens his mouth to answer, “And don’t you fucking dare tell me I’m not! It’s not the Alpha that decides that!” He looks away again, clenching his jaw.
After a deep breath, he says, “It was just a joke. I was just trying to mess with you like I always do.”
“A joke?” I repeat flabbergasted, “Is my height really a joke to you?” He shrugs. It just pisses me off even more. “What the actual fuck Derek? How can you even think that? I have been living in hell for the last two years, beating myself up every goddamn night, working out so much my dad thought I had fucking anorexia, just to be able to prove myself to you!”
“Come on y/n, it was just teasing” he says with a sigh, “It never meant anything.”
“To me it meant everything!” I shout. The door into my room opens a second later and Stiles practically falls through it. “NO!” I tell him, “Not now!” He quick holds his hands up and backs up, closing the door quickly after giving Derek a pitying look.
“You need to think” Derek says, walking closer to me, “Really think, about what you are doing. Pranks and jokes aside, this exercise was still meant to show you how different you are from us.”
“You sure did a great job making sure I got that message” I snort.
“I made a trail!” he argues, “I just never thought you were stupid enough to actually try getting over that wall!”
“Oh how noble of you!” I say, “You know, this is exactly why I wanted to prove I could do that without getting the fucking red carpet lied out in front of me like some goddamn princess.”
“It’s was a trail! I removed some plants!”
“And didn’t it occur to you, for even just a second, that if I deemed the wall too big a risk, I could have figured out how to get through some plants to get to the next obstacle by myself?” I can see on how his eyes flicker away from my face that he hadn’t even considered it. Perfect. Just absolutely perfect.
“I’m not some fragile little girl that needs protection Derek all the time. I’m more than capable of taking care of myself” I say.
“Yes, I can see that” he snarks, nodding to my leg that hangs limply next to me. When did I stand up? Huh. Well how about that. I need to pay more attention to myself.
“Shut up! This is your fault!”
“My fault? I wasn’t the one who was stupid enough to climb a wall five times my size in the rain, just to prove a point!”
“No, you were the idiot that would do anything to drive me out of your pack instead of just telling me to fuck off to my face!”
“It’s for your own good!” he shouts suddenly, loud and clear in my face, “Look at you! You are so small! How can you even think you can defend yourself against a supernatural creature? Even a newly turned wolf that isn’t higher than you would rip you to pieces within minutes! You are as helpless as a fucking baby…”
I don’t even know what I’m doing before it’s too late and my fist connects with his cheek. My hand moves by itself and I only have a second to feel smug about the fact I punched him so hard he stumbled a few steps back before absolute terror rushes into my heart.
Oh my God, I just punched an Alpha werewolf in the face. SHIT.
There’s a small trail of blood running over his lip as he straightens up to look at me in surprise. I know the injury is probably already healed by the time he licks his lips, but I still feel half terrified and half extremely pissed off, because that’s just my luck. I finally get a good hit in on someone and the bastard can’t even feel the damages for more than five seconds.
“You get the hell out of my room right now” I tell him, pointing towards my window.
“Y/n…”
“No! Go creep around outside Stiles’ window instead! It must be much more interesting for you to stalk someone you love oh so much, than it is yelling at a little helpless baby in here!”
“I didn’t…”
“Save it. I don’t wanna hear your excuses right now. If it means so much to you, then fine! I’ll leave the pack! There, are you happy?” Derek doesn’t answer. He just keeps looking at me with wide surprised eyes.
“Get out of my room or I will punch you again!” I say. My voice wobbles dangerously and I hate it. Fuck, it should not be this hard to do.
Derek defiantly stares at me for almost a minute before he turns around and jumps out through the window again. I walk after him, ignoring the sharp stabs of pain from my leg and slams the window shut.
When I get back to my bed I close the laptop so I can cry myself to sleep instead. My leg pulsates in pain and it just becomes too much.
Fuck, I never believed them when they said losing a pack member was like losing a limb. But right now it feels like all I am is just a bleeding heart, desperately trying to keep beating. I just lost my pack…
I lost fucking everything.
When I wake up the next morning, I’m not in my bed. Instead, I’m on my floor, lying in the middle of what appears to be a puppy-pile and a mountain of blankets and pillows. I feel loopy and kinda high, the after-effects of a pretty heavily pain-drain session with a werewolf, I’m sure. Perhaps even a whole pack of werewolves.
I’m so high happy right now that I don’t even care that it’s Derek’s chest I’m leaning against, that it’s his shoulder my head is lying on, or that it’s his arms I can feel wrapped around me, holding me up. All around us I can see the other members of the pack. Scott and Stiles appear to be spooning, drooling all over each other to my right. Kira is lying up against Scott’s front, with both Scott and Stiles’ arms around her. They are using my right leg as a pillow.
To my left, Erica and Boyd are so close to each other I have trouble finding out were each of them start and end. Isaac is sleeping with his head in my lap, lying just over the heads of Boyd and Erica, and Lydia has taken my bed, which isn’t that weird, considering her absolute hatred for sleeping anywhere that isn’t a bed.
I have no idea why they are here or how they got in, but I’m so glad they are. I felt like crap yesterday and I really needed this.
For a blessed ten minutes I get to just lie here and relax, soaking in the feeling of safe and home the pack emits. But then the door into my room opens suddenly and my dad walks through, clearly in the middle of clicking the strap over his gun to secure it. Derek tenses up under me.
“Y/n, I’m going to work. Do you need anyth…” I can see the exact moment he realizes that something isn’t as it should be. Even though my eyes are almost closed, I can see him freeze in place, hands still on his gun. I just know he is considering unstrapping it again.
“What the hell is going on here?” he hisses in a whisper.
“She was upset. We came to comfort her” Derek whisper back to him.
“And you decide to have an orgy? In my house?!”
“Dad, it’s not an orgy” I say quickly before Derek fucks up, “It’s a puppy-pile. We’re cuddling.” His eyes flickers down to Stiles who’s still snoring loudly. I wonder what thought is going through his mind right now.
“Cuddli…” He stops himself immediately, shaking his head. “You know what? I don’t need to know what that means” he says, waving his hands in front of him, “I’m going to work and you… you just keep doing… whatever you’re doing.” He turns around and walks out of the room again. Before he closes the door he looks at me with a stern look. “Just… use protection, okay?” And after another glance cast at Stiles and with another shake of his head, he’s gone. My cheeks have never felt this warm before.
I smile to myself and hide my face against Derek’s shoulder again. He’s still tensed up, I can feel that. Probably because he knows I’m awake now.
Silence stretches on between us, but I kinda like it. It one of the only times we haven’t fought when we’re together and it’s so nice.
“Y/n?” he asks carefully several minutes later. I hum to let him know I’m listening. “Yesterday… I…”
“You were an idiot” I say for him. He nods, relaxing a bit.
“I-we care about you a lot and if something ever happened to you because of us, I would never…” I lift my head and put a finger to his lips instantly, silencing him.
“Nothing is gonna happen to me” I tell him, “I got you to protect me, right?” He nods again. “Good. Then you have nothing to worry about.” I can see on the way his face just collapses in on itself that I just fucked up. “We got each other, and that’s all that matters. But you have to trust me enough to let me do my own thing. I’m not helpless.”
“No, I’m aware of that” he says. My eyes flicker over to look at the cheek I punched last night. They automatically move away quickly after.
“Yeah, eh sorry about that. I got kinda angry.”
“Don’t worry. I can handle it” he says, like it’s no big deal.
“Well you shouldn’t have. It’s not nice to hit people.” He doesn’t say anything. I let him be, knowing he just needs time to think. Instead I look at the pack, still sleeping. It’s a miracle they didn’t wake up when my dad was here.
It’s hard to understand that just yesterday I thought I had lost them. Now they’re all lying here, just to make me feel better. It warms my heart so much, and I’m sure it’s because Derek went to get all of them. Because he knew I needed comfort.
I turn my head and before I can talk myself out of it, I give him a quick kiss on the cheek. “Thanks” I say silently.
“For what?” he mumbles. He has tensed up again.
“For not giving up on me.” Now it’s him that turns his head so he can find my eyes.
“I would never. You’re pack.” All I can do is smile and nod. Yeah, I really am. I see that now.
Suddenly it isn’t hard to remember why I never gave up, why I just couldn’t leave them. I love them all too damn much. All of them. And I guess that’s why we’re pack. Not because our blood or what we are tells us to be.
We’re pack because we love each other, because we would do anything for each other. And packs stick together. No matter what.
FIN.