Work Text:
Akutagawa: Did you bring it?
Atsushi: Why?
Akutagawa: Don’t you ever listen to me?
Atsushi: Of course I do.
Akutagawa: Then go on, spit it out. Where is it?
Atsushi: Calm down, it’s in my bag.
Akutagawa: Then why didn't you say so in the first place?!
Atsushi: Because I wanted to know why you needed a jar of pickles, a container of cream cheese, and sliced ham!
Akutagawa: For food, obviously! Are you stupid? Did living with those detectives somehow make you so dumb you can not even recognize food anymore?
Atsushi: What, are you just going to put pickles, cream cheese, and ham on the tables??
Akutagawa: No, you fool! You put slices of ham down, you put cream cheese on them, then roll it around a pickle and cut! Pickle roll-ups. A snack.
Atsushi: ...Oooooh.
Akutagawa: Idiot. Idiot Jinko.
Atsushi: I have a name you know.
Akutagawa: And I will not use it, Jinko suits you much better.
Atsushi: No it doesn’t!
Akutagawa: ‘Jinko’ means ‘weretiger’ and you are a weretiger, are you not?
Atsushi: I-
Akutagawa: I don't care, hand over my ingredients or I'll cut your other leg off.
Atsushi: It’ll just grow back…
Akutagawa: Don’t talk back t- Careful with those! Jars are glass, Jinko!
Atsushi: I got it, I got it!
Akutagawa: Might as well add clumsy onto Idiot Jinko. Clumsy idiot Jinko.
Atsushi: Akutagawa’s so mean.
Akutagawa: I would leave you to die the first chance I got.
Atsushi: Yeah, yeah, whatever, Aku.
Akutagawa: wh- do not call me Aku, Jinko. It is Akutagawa or nothing at all!
Atsushi: So I can't say Ryuu either?
Akutagawa: Certainly not!
Atsushi: Okay, Ryuu.
Akutagawa: What did I just say, Jinko!
Atsushi: Well, how am I supposed to call you or your sister then? You both have the same last name, if I call out Akutagawa you’ll both look at me, so might as well use your first name, Ryuunosuke.
Akutagawa: I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Jinko, But Gin isn’t here! There is no need for my first name on your tongue! Continue and I'll rip it out!
Atsushi: Then don’t call me Jinko.
Akutagawa: Absolutely not, it’s not my fault you are a Jinko.
Atsushi: Okay then, Ryuu.
Akutagawa: DO NOT CALL ME RYUU!
Atsushi: Then dO nOt cAlL mE Jinko!
Akutagawa: Jinko.
Atsushi: Ryuu.
Akutagawa & Atsushi: …
Atsushi: Go work on your weird pickle roll-up things.
Akutagawa: Go work on the decorations.
Atsushi: Fine.
Akutagawa: Fine then.
Atsushi: ...
Akutagawa: ...
Atsushi: Can I have one-
Akutagawa: Oh my lord-
Atsushi: I’ve never had one before!
Akutagawa: Do you even like pickles, cream cheese, or ham?
Atsushi: I dunno, but they sound good…
Akutagawa: What do you mean you don’t know if you like pickles-
Atsushi: I mean I dunno! I’ve never had pickles before, the headmaster at the orphanage never bought any, and even if he did he wouldn’t give me any, and Dazai always steals the ones off of my sandwiches, so…
Akutagawa: Oh my lord, here-
Atsushi: Omf-!...T’at’s pr’tty g’od!
Akutagawa: Do not speak with your mouth full! It’s unbecoming of you.
Atsushi: S’rry.
Akutagawa: Don’t speak another word.
Atsushi: …
Akutagawa: Chew.
Atsushi: …
Akutagawa: Swallow.
Atsushi: …
Akutagawa: Now you may speak.
Atsushi: I like pickles.
Akutagawa: I can tell. Now stand there, don’t move.
Atsushi: What are you doing?
Akutagawa: Making the roll-ups.
Atsushi: Oh…
Akutagawa: yes, I- Don’t eat all my pickles!
Atsushi: So’ry!
Akutagawa: You fool, now I'm not gonna have enough pickles for the rest of the rol-...
Atsushi: ...
Akutagawa: ...Atsushi Nakajima.
Atsushi: Uh oh, real name-
Akutagawa: Why do you have 7-, no, 8 jars of pickles in your bag?
Atsushi: Because you said you needed pickles but never said how many and I didn't know what they were for specifically and you gave me a lot of money for groceries so I just? Bought a bunch of everything??
Akutagawa: ...
Atsushi: Was I not supposed to do that?
Akutagawa: ...
Atsushi: Please stop sighing, it’s making me nervous.
Akutagawa: How much did you buy?
Atsushi: What?
Akutagawa: How much. Of everything. Did you buy? Give me your bag.
Atsushi: ...
Akutagawa: 1 2 3…6…8…15…Jinko, why do you have 45 packets of Ham, 8 jars of pickles, and 16 containers of cream cheese?
Atsushi: I just told you-
Akutagawa: You know what? I don’t care. Just hand them over, you can eat anything I have left over.
Atsushi: Who just eats cream cheese
Akutagawa: You do, don’t imply otherwise Jinko. I’ve seen you consume a cold stick of butter before.
Atsushi: …
Akutagawa: Your silence speaks volumes, Jinko.
Atsushi: S-Shut up…
Akutagawa: Hm.
Akutagawa: Here, have this.
Atsushi: it looks weird
Akutagawa: Shut up and eat it, Jinko. Maybe if I stuff you full now you won't decimate the food table as you do at every party your at-
Atsushi: Wah?! I don’t eat all the food…
Akutagawa: …why are you looking at me like that?
Atsushi: Like what?
Akutagawa: Like- that, like a sad cat who just got told the store was out of his favorite food.
Atsushi: I’m not a cat! Tiger! T-I-G-E-R!
Akutagawa: I said what I said.
Atsushi: I hate you.
Akutagawa: I hate you too, now shut up and eat the roll-up.
Atsushi: …
Akutagawa: …W- don’t groan like that, it sounds weird.
Atsushi: ‘t’s go’d! R’lly g’od!
Akutagawa: Mouth full, Jinko. Chew and swallow, I know you're an animal but you don’t have to behave like one too.
B:...It’s really good!
Akutagawa: I can tell.
Atsushi: Almost as good as Chazuke!
Akutagawa: That’s-...oh…
Atsushi: Yeah! Can I have another one?
Akutagawa: uh- yes, I suppose. Just don’t eat them all, they're for the party.
Atsushi: I won’t! Promise.
Akutagawa: I have no need for your promises, Jinko.
Atsushi: I know, but I also know you feel better when I say it anyway.
Akutagawa: Do not act like you can read me so easily.
Atsushi: But I can.
Akutagawa: No, you can not.
Atsushi: Yes I can!
Akutagawa: Prove it.
Atsushi: You hate it when people touch you because you always duck under Tachihara’s arm and shy away from Hirotsu’s touch, but Gin can touch you because she’s your sister. You use your Ability, Rashomon, to make space in between you and people by threatening to cut their legs off with it if they don’t step back, but you can’t cut down your co-workers so you stick to avoidance tactics instead.
Akutagawa: Jinko-
Atsushi: You act like you hate gifts but it’s actually your love language, you love giving people things they need or want and feel loved when someone gives you a gift back, usually preferring something practical but little useless trinkets are still kept too.
Akutagawa: Nakajima-
Atsushi: not a lot of people realize it but your ability, Rashomon, actually has a bit of a mind of its own, and also tends to react to your emotions, which is why I think Rashomon activates whenever you see small animals cause cuteness aggression kicks in and that’s basically an invitation for her to pet the animal.
Akutagawa: Atsushi-
Atsushi: You're also really nice, you're just bad at showing it, you say mean things but they actually mean different than what you say. You’d say to Kyouka “Why would I worry about you?” and everyone assumes it’s because you don’t care but i know you actually cared for Kyouka while she was still in the mafia, and you say that not because you don’t care but because you know of her skills and no she can take care of herself, so why worry-
Akutagawa: ATSUSHI!
Atsushi: Yes?
Akutagawa: Who told you all of that, because they lied.
Atsushi: Stop looking at me like you wanna cut my leg off again, no one told me any of that, I just figured it all out. We’ve spent a lot of time together lately, Dazai and Chuuya’s doing no doubt, and it’s hard not to notice the little things about you.
Akutagawa: Well then clearly those detectives have taught you nothing because it’s all wrong, i’d never be caught dead giving someone a gift-
Atsushi: You got me a tiger plush that looks like Byakko for my birthday.
Akutagawa: That doesn't count, Dazai made me.
Atsushi: then what about that time you gave me another plushie, this one black and red and looking a lot like Rashomon-
Akutagawa: I found it and thought it was ugly, like you.
Atsushi: if you insist.
Akutagawa: And I don't hate touch, I just refuse to be taken advantage of. Giving people your back will get you killed, especially in the mafia, trust no one.
Atsushi: You showed your back to me the entire time you were making those roll-ups.
Akutagawa: …Don’t provoke me when I have a knife in my hand, Jinko.
Atsushi: I’m not provoking you, I'm explaining calmly. Go back to your roll-ups.
Akutagawa: …
Atsushi: …
Akutagawa: Why are you now sitting on the counter?
Atsushi: Because now that you’re aware you showed your back to me you're not comfortable doing it again, you think it’s a weakness, but the kitchen is in the corner of the room, so I’ll sit where you can see me so you don’t have to turn your back to me but can continue your roll-ups.
Akutagawa: … If you steal any, I'll have your hands.
Atsushi: Okay, Ryuu.
Akutagawa: Don’t- whatever.
Atsushi: Hey, what time does the party start again?
Akutagawa: 3 PM.
Atsushi: shouldn’t the others be here by now then?
Akutagawa: What do you mean?
Atsushi: It's 2:34, and according to the copy of Kunikida’s schedule that Yosano gave me, they were supposed to be here at 2.
Akutagawa: That is…Odd.
Atsushi: And none of them are responding to my texts…and I can’t ask Dazai, and Chuuya’s distracting Dazai…
Akutagawa: Grab my phone, message Gin.
Atsushi: Okay, uh, what’s your passcode?
Akutagawa: 0505
Atsushi: Oh, hey, that's my birth date! That’s kinda funny.
Akutagawa: …Right…what a…coincidence…
Atsushi: Okay I found Gin’s contact, uhhhh- Oh! She replies fast.
Akutagawa: I made a bet with her.
Atsushi: Oh?
Akutagawa: Mhm.
Atsushi: …Gonna tell me what the bet was?
Akutagawa: No.
Atsushi: Alright, then. She said, and I quote, “Don’t worry about us, we’ll be there on time.” with a very ominous period at the end. That's not very reassuring.
Akutagawa: Gin does not lie to me, but tell her I will cut her hair if she is late anyway.
Atsushi: Ya’know, I'm really not comfortable making threats to a trained assassin.
Akutagawa: I am, send it.
Atsushi: okay…
Akutagawa: What did she say?
Atsushi: She hasn’t even repl- Oh, she replied.
Akutagawa: Jinko, what did she say?
Atsushi: She sent an eye roll emoji then a thumbs up, then an emoticon.
Akutagawa: Does it look like a smiley face?
Atsushi: Um, yes.
Akutagawa: She will be here on time then.
Atsushi: …how did you- you know what? I don’t want to know.
Akutagawa: I understand her in the same way you understand sentences from the Racoon’s keyboard smash.
Atsushi: hey, leave Karl out of this! He’s a very intelligent raccoon, he just accidentally presses extra buttons when he tries to type! That’s not his fault.
Akutagawa: Jinko, you are defending a raccoon. A raccoon that an emo American writer taught how to type after he taught it how to wield a knife.
Atsushi: Karl is a he, and Leave Ranpo’s boyfriend out of this!
Akutagawa: What does that annoying detective have to do with anything?
Atsushi: He’s-
Tachihara: WE’RE HERE!
Tanizaki: Atsushi! Still alive? Or did Akutagawa take your other leg??
Akutagawa: It will be your leg i take next, Walmart Tachihara-
Tanizaki: Walmart Tachihara???? I’m a natural ginger! His hair is dyed! We don’t even look the same!
Akutagawa: Yes you do! And stop sighing Jinko, these are your idiotic coworkers.
Atsushi: I’m aware.