Chapter Text
„Merry Christmas.“
„I don’t think I’ll forget that one.“
„Me neither.“
Neil was almost ready for his next few days off. He was just finishing his last paperwork and giving instructions for the other doctors, before leaving for the Christmas holidays. It was the first time, since he had started as a resident at the hospital, that he had every Christmas holiday off. Since he wasn’t married or had kids, the other doctors obviously had first dips. Everyone thought that he had just gotten lucky with the roaster for once or that it had slipped through. But he knew better. It was the first year Lim had done the Christmas scheduling This was no coincidence. And he had often complained to her how sad he was, that he never got to spend Christmas with his family. He usually used to work, at least, on one of the holidays and they simply lived too far away to just join the one day he had off. Lim had always joked and said if she had a say in it, she’d make sure that he’d get to spend Christmas with his family again. Arguing that there were enough who got time off and they didn’t even like to spend time with their families. Therefor someone who would actually appreciate being with his, should have the chance to do so. Sometimes, she had even offered to cover his shifts, but he had always declined. Feeling like it wouldn’t be fair. Even if she wasn’t as close with her family and they lived on the east coast, she didn’t have the time to fly down. He knew that they sometimes came to visits her. He didn’t want to make her even more, than the workaholic that was Dr. Lim already did.
Melendez also knew her family wouldn’t fly out this year. And now she was chief, and he had Christmas off. Yes, this was as much of a coincidence as Christmas Eve falling on the 24Th of December. And as happy as he was about the opportunity to go see his family, he couldn’t really find it in him to be excited. Audrey and he weren’t really on speaking terms anymore and he had never thanked her. That wasn’t right. None of it felt right. But this in particular felt even more wrong. She had kept a promise, she had never officially made, just so he could see his family. It meant a lot to him. Melendez grabbed his bag, lost in his thoughts. Somehow, it didn’t feel right to take the time off. He didn’t feel like he earned it, even though he knew deserved it. A smile came to his face, when he remembered telling Gabby he would be there this year, when they’d unpack the gifts and she screamed in excitement.
With one last look at his watch, he finally started to get out of the hospital. Truly leaving for Christmas. He took his time to wish the staff happy holidays. When he was told to enjoy them, it felt weird. Lim had left thirty minutes earlier. Making sure to say goodbye to everyone personally and thanking each and every one, that they were sacrificing their time to work. She had been polite to him, taken her time to tell him to enjoy his off time and make sure his phone was turned off, with a teasing smile. But she had kept her distance, not walking in more than two steps into his office. That had felt weird, too. Just like every interaction between them nowadays. There was no bad blood. They said they’d stay friends. And yet, they barely talked about non-case related topics.
Neil had been told that she had scheduled herself to work, like always, but the board had stepped in. Something along the lines, that management didn’t work during the holidays, and she would make the others look bad. Apparently there had been a big fight and Glassman had offered the compromise that Lim could work the New Year’s shift and the days after the 26th, but not Christmas itself. It had been such a big fight, that Jessica had reached out and asked him personally how Lim was handling it and if she needed to step in. But to the staff Audrey had been nothing but professional, never commenting on the situation, so he had been of no help. He hated that he was just one of her co-workers now. Knowing if it had been a year ago, she would have shot him a text, telling him to meet her at Crawley’s for a beer. And then he needed to stop thinking about that. Christmas last year was something he hadn’t jet emotionally dealt with. So, while waiting for the elevator, he thought about the now. Neil knew this meant Lim would spend the holidays alone. She wasn’t one for big festivities. After everything that had happened last year, they had spent quite some time talking about how they usually celebrated and what their perfect Christmas would look like. Snuggled up in bed, with coffees in their hand. Neil had to close his eyes, the memory was too painful too - and hit unexpectedly hard. Back then, he had been so sure, they’d be together this Christmas. He had thought about how he could hide a present inside her office, so she could open it when she needed a break from the madhouse that was the ER.
He tried to get his train of thought back on track, pushing the buttons impatiently, as if it would make the elevator get there any faster. But his brain refused to help, instead the memory kept becoming clearer and clearer as if it had been just yesterday. He could remember the smell of the room, the temperature, the feeling of the sheets on his naked body. Audrey’s head on his shoulder, her fingers tracing the line of the deer on his chest. In those stolen hours, she had told him, that she’d only spent Christmas with her family again, if she could stay for the whole week. Complaining that otherwise it always ended being more stressful than anything else. Since she couldn’t manage to see all her relatives within three days. Neil jokingly told her, he’d come with and make a schedule, so she would always have enough breaks. Fuck. No, he couldn’t forget it. Or ignore it. This had been real. Never a joke. He would have been there and happily managed to get her these family breaks. He wanted to be there. How could this conversation be almost a year old? It felt like he could remember each word they had said that night. Lim had still been weak. Her voice hadn’t fully recovered yet from the intubation. She had coughed a couple of times. He could feel the stream of air on his chest, even now. He remembered how he had held her, while she had been so annoyed the cough refused to go away.
He looked at his watch again, as he stood in the elevator. Trying to make a plan for the next few hours. His family wasn’t expecting him tonight, anyhow. They had told him, to get some sleep, before driving. Without overthinking it, he got into his car and drove to Audrey’s favorite restaurant, getting her favorite dishes. He was so focused on what she might be in the mood for, that he didn’t have time to think about what had happened a year ago. Ten minutes after paying for the food and leaving the restaurant, he parked his car in front of her building, not giving himself time to talk himself out of doing this now that he was holding the steaming hot food in his hands.
“Merry Christmas-eve eve.” Neil grinned cheerily, faking security, once Lim opened her door. Her face had been annoyed, not happy about the frantic knocking, but when she saw him, her frown had turned into a surprised smile.
“Thanks, to you, too. What are you doing here?” Audrey answered kindly, opening the door a bit further. She didn’t even try to hide her confusion, looking at him, as if she couldn’t believe he was truly standing in front of her. It had been months, since he had been at her place.
“I never got to thank you for the days off. And I don’t want you to starve during the holidays, so I got you this.” Neil offered her the multiple bags of take-out food a bit awkwardly. This all sounded way too polite. And not like them. But well, they needed to start somewhere.
“Ah, I have no idea what you are talking about. Would you like to come in?” Lim offered somewhat cheekily, still amazed by the fact of him being there.
“Yes, you do.” Neil told her with a grin on his face. This was more like them. After she had stepped aside, he walked straight into her kitchen, starting to put away the food. This way, he could make sure it was stored properly and wouldn’t spoil.
“I don’t know what you think I have planned for the holidays, but it actually hadn’t been my goal to feed a whole army.” Lim joked, once she saw how much food he had gotten her. “Also, this wasn’t necessary.”
“So, a little leftover won’t hurt.” Neil just stated nonchalantly, knowing her kitchen all too well. “I haven’t made sure you are well fed in a while. I’d argue it’s overdue. Even if you claim you don’t know about what I’m thanking you for.”
“Can I offer you something to drink? Though, my whiskey selection isn’t as fancy as yours.” Audrey tried to swallow down all the things she was feeling and just be happy that he was there. This could be a start.
“Just some water, please. I’m planning on surprising my family tonight. I told them, I’d be there sometime tomorrow, but I’d love to be there for breakfast.” Neil explained, with a smile on his face. “Thanks to circumstances, you obviously had nothing to do with, I have four days off in a row.”
“Well, aren’t you the lucky one? Have you gotten yourself something to eat for the way?” She asked, while getting him a glass of water and pouring herself a second glass of red wine. Standing with him in her kitchen again, was a mistake, though. This was too familiar and brought back memories. Memories, both tried to forget. It simply was too painful of a reminder of what they had lost. So, she put the water glass next to him and sat down on her dining table, brining some distance between them.
Neil swallowed, trying to get their banter back. “It does appear that I’m very lucky. And no there was no need to, since I’ve had lunch and dinner, like a normal person. I know, that’s a concept not familiar to you. A snack is going to be sufficient for the drive.”
Lim only laughed and took a sip of her wine looking at the food, afraid of the memoires that would come back if she looked anywhere else.
“Oh, by the way, I’m sorry. I’ve heard they banned you from the hospital for the holidays. That must suck, getting one of the last chances for adrenaline kicks taken away like that.” Neil said, following her to the table, after he finally finished putting away the food. Okay, maybe he had gotten a bit too much, but that would be fine.
“Thanks. It’s ridiculous, how threatened they feel and how fragile their egos are, thinking I could harm their reputation by simply working during the holidays. Anyway, I’ve managed to be on call from tomorrow noon on until the end of Christmas. Technically I’m not working. But it’s the holidays, we both know what that means.” Lim grinned at him, proud of herself to have found that loophole.
“Seriously? You’ll be working three days straight.” Neil rolled his eyes, sitting down on his usual chair. Sometimes it felt like nothing had changed between them.
“That’s great, isn’t it?” She beamed. In front of him, she didn’t have to hide her love for the work. Something others didn’t always get.
“I haven’t done three days of ER since our residency and, honestly, I really don’t plan to. You know that kind of adrenaline isn’t healthy, right?” Neil teased her, snacking some of the nuts that were standing on her table.
“Right, because fifty-hour surgeries are so great for your body. Thank you for reminding me. So kind of you.” She answered completely engaged in their banter, not hiding how much she was enjoying it.
Neil could forever stare at her grin. It was the most beautiful sight in the world. Maybe that was why he spoke his next words without thinking. “I’m glad you get to spend Christmas like this.” His voice had gotten softer and his smile gentler.
“Working myself into the ground and having to fight with the board afterwards? Yeah, me too. Wouldn’t change it for the world.” Audrey retorted sarcastically, trying to not let this become serious, but having caught his change of voice.
“Yeah, that too. But after last Christmas, this, I, it does make me happy that you are here.” Neil answered somberly. Not ready to let this chance go.
“It’s crazy, that it has been a year already, isn’t it? Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday and at other times, like it was a lifetime ago or a bad dream.” This time she looked at him, letting herself be vulnerable. There weren’t a lot of people in the world she shared this experience with.
“A lot can happen in a year.” Was all Melendez got out. Suddenly he didn’t trust his words, there was so much he wanted to say. None of it would make being friends any easier.
“That’s true.” Audrey agreed, fighting against the memories was getting harder and harder. So, she tore her eyes away from his gaze and nodded towards the fridge. “Anyway, thank you for your generous gift. I’m sorry, I didn’t get you anything.” She hoped desperately, that joking would get the banter back.
“You did more than enough. I know it can’t have been easy. Sincerely. I am very grateful.” Neil looked Audrey in the eyes again, trying to show her how grateful he was, since he doubted she’d believe his words.
“Just because you don’t have small kids waiting at home for you, doesn’t mean you should have to miss out every Christmas with your family. It’s just not fair. You deserve to be with them, especially Gaby.” Lim still refused to take credit, something that was so very her. He wanted to kiss this pleased smile on her face. “It’s getting rather late. If you want to be able to catch some sleep, before your family craziness starts, you should probably leave.” Lim stated, once her gaze fell at the clock. Neil had talked quite a lot about his family, she knew how big of a deal every holiday was at his place.
“Yeah, you are right.” Though, he didn’t make any move to get up. “I hear we’ve got stuck on the New Year’s shift together. That should be fun.” Neil commented, dragging leaving out. Gosh, he missed this so badly. Just sitting with her, talking about mundane stuff. He missed her. He didn’t want to let go it just yet.
“That’s right. And you ended up in the ER. I’m sorry, I know that’s not your favorite place. But well, having Christmas off did come with some disadvantages.” Audrey answered, with what sounded like regret in her voice. Damn, he hadn’t meant it like that.
“No, that wasn’t why I brought it up. It’s just been so very long that we worked together. Even longer sharing an ER shift. I’m looking forward to it. Even if we probably won’t have more than five minutes to ourselves.”
Without thinking he reached out his hand and stroked her arm. She didn’t pull away, just stared at the small part where their two bodies touched.
“That’s both very true. Maybe I can get you to see the upside of the ER.” She tried to joke, while choking over her words. Audrey knew she was way too affected by such a small gesture.
“The only upside about the ER is you.” Neil stated bluntly. He was too tired of this hide and seek game they were playing. It was Christmas, he was hoping for his miracle.
“Neil, nothing has changed.” Audrey looked at him, tears in her eyes. Obviously fighting against her own demons.
“I disagree. Look at us, we are able to talk. I’ve gotten over my ego. We get along greatly at work. Something that hasn’t been easy. As if it was easier for you to decide over ex-boyfriend’s cases than over your boyfriend’s. It really pains me, how much you have pulled back, because you are too afraid of not being enough. But I know you still care. You’ve done a better job at proving that than me.” His voice didn’t waver. He had thought about this for months now. Maybe it was his turn to take the first step.
“I’m sorry. I’m not yet over the first heartbreak. I don’t think I’m ready to try again, just with the hopes that it has been enough.” This time, Audrey did pull back her arm. She needed to stand her ground.
“I hear you. I’m not saying we have to jump straight back into a relationship. But, Audrey, we used to be best friends above our rivalry, our jobs, everything. Can’t we try to get that back? Once we’ve got that back, maybe we can revisit the thought about a relationship.” Neil offered, still letting his hands on the table, trying to find her eyes.
“I don’t know. I haven’t broken it off, because the feelings were gone. I’m not like you, I can’t just ignore them and continue pretending like nothing is wrong. I can’t move on like you.” Ouch, that hurt. Melendez flinched at the words, but knew where she was coming from, even though he didn’t agree.
“Aud, I can promise you, I have not moved on. I know how things with Claire look like, but I swear to you that there is nothing on my side. I’m here with you tonight, before going to see my family. There is no one else I want to spend my holidays with. I just, I needed a friend to fill the void you left. I’m not too proud of what I did. My feelings about you haven’t changed either. But I won’t force you into anything. I just, I miss you. And I want you to know, I’m willing to do whatever it takes to have you back in my life as more than just my Chief. I miss being in your company.” Neil told her, being honest, not hiding his feelings. His eyes never leaving hers.
“I miss you, too. Not having you by my side, it’s been really hard. Being chief is hard. I miss being in the ER, being a trauma surgeon first. I don’t feel like a real doctor anymore, but also not like a good enough chief.” Lim admitted, biting her lip. Trying to show him, that she wanted to fight, but sincerely was at wits end how to get out of where they were stuck.
“I’m always by your side. If you need me, I’m just a call away. And you’re doing a fantastic job as chief. I couldn’t do it any better.” Neil reminded so very gently. There were things that wouldn’t change. He could see this was a bit too much for her for the night. So, he just nodded, brought some space between them and put his glass into her dishwasher. “I should get going. But I meant what I said. Whenever you feel ready. Just call me or text me.”
Meanwhile, Lim had gotten up as well, looking small with her sweater pulled over her hands. She looked undeceive, as if she wanted to say something. So, Neil waited for her, not moving. He couldn’t help but hope. After looking at each other for a couple of minutes, he could see how something changed on her face. And suddenly she was in his arms, hugging him fiercely. It took Neil mere seconds to hug her back and kiss her head. He had no idea what this meant, but he didn’t want to let this moment go. Screw Christmas with his family. He'd stay right here forever.
“Maybe we could try having dinner together, once you get back? Just see how it goes?” Audrey whispered into his shirt, allowing herself to feel the warmth being in his arms.
“I’d love that.” He squeezed her for emphasis, hugging her a bit tighter for a moment. Relishing the feeling.
After hugging for a little while longer, Audrey took a step back and smiled at him softly. Her eyes shining with hope, which in turn made him grin. They continued to stare at each other for a few moments longer. Neil had to force himself to leave. Though, this time he decided, he wouldn’t push it and rush things. They could take it step by step. Start with dinner in a couple of days. Text her merry Christmas tomorrow. Small stuff like that. Be by her side, when it got hard at work. And when the moment presented itself, take it further. For now, this was more than enough.
Neil had just arrived at his car when his phoned vibrated.
“Thank you for making Christmas better, two years in a row.
Merry Christmas. I don’t think I’ll forget that one either.”
He couldn’t keep the grin off his face, and he didn’t even make it ten minutes before he called her. They spent the most part of his drive home on the phone, talking about everything they had missed in each other’s lives. This year, he truly was in the holiday spirit.