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“So, Dari,” Danielle said, furrowing her brow as she tried to get to the bottom of the glass she was cleaning with a rag. “Do you think it’s about time to switch back?”
Darius looked up, confused. “What do you mean?”
“I mean…” she shrugged. “You’re getting older, you’re going into high school, I figure now’s as good a time as ever to start going by Darla again, you know?”
Darius frowned, dunking the plate he was holding under the dishwater. “Not really. Everyone knows me as Darius Deamonne.”
She looked over, tilting her head. “I mean- come on, you’ve already got a bit of a chest there, people are gonna start noticing, especially if you look anything like me and mom. It’s a new year, a new school, and you can’t just keep going as a boy forever.”
“Why not?” He muttered, more of a statement than a question.
She chuckled. “Come on, Dari- uh, Darla. It's a nickname you picked out when you were five. It was a fun little phase, but you’re gonna be a woman pretty soon, and it’s gonna feel better if you just own it.” She nudged him. “Come on, I saw you eyeing those dresses the other day, maybe we can look through mom’s old clothes and see if there’s anything you like, get you a new wardrobe for the year.”
“Maybe I don’t want to… ‘own it.’” He said slightly bitterly. “Maybe I want to keep being Darius. I’ve been a boy forever, I don’t really see a point in switching back.”
“You’re already doing your eyeliner, you’re plenty feminine.” She pointed out. “What’s the issue? Is this an insecurity thing?” She asked concernedly.
“I just… I don’t want to be Darla again.” He shrugged. “It feels… uncomfortable. And, like- everyone knows me as Darius, whenever I think of myself… I’m Darius. I’m a boy. And I mean, I like the dresses and I like, I don’t know, girl stuff, I guess, but I just, whenever I think of my future… It's Darius. It doesn’t feel like Darla has anything out there for her. You know?”
She frowned sympathetically. “So you’ve spent so long going by something you’re not that it feels almost natural now?”
“No!” He said. “If anything, Darla feels unnatural! Darius is- Darius is just better, okay? I don’t want to go back to being a girl. Maybe ever.”
She shook her head. “This doesn’t sound healthy, Dar. You’re a girl, I don’t want you to be pretending to be something else.” She sighed. “And besides, look at you. You’re going to start looking more adult soon, and you’re not going to be able to pretend then.”
He recoiled. “They have potions for that. And- I can be a guy with curves.” He paused. “That sounds good, actually. I’ll just be a curvy boy.”
“You’re- Darla-”
“Don’t call me that.” He snapped harshly.
She sighed exasperatedly. “You’re missing the point. It doesn’t matter if they have potions or if you could hypothetically be a guy with curves- you're not. You gotta come around to being a girl sometime, okay? How about we take it in baby steps, you’re halfway there already-”
“I don’t want to take any steps.” He said, putting the plate on the dish rack with more force than necessary. “I want to stay a boy. I don’t want to come around at all- Darla doesn’t have anything out there, okay? Darius is the only person I want to be.”
She paused, putting the glass down. “Why do you feel like Darla- like you don’t have a future unless you’re Darius?”
“Because I hate being a girl!” He shouted, throwing his hands up. “I hate having ‘she’ used for me and I hate looking in the mirror and not seeing a man and I hate having a-” he paused, looking thoroughly embarrassed and crossing his arms. “I want to be Darius, not Darla.”
Danielle looked concerned, putting her hands on his shoulders and crouching slightly so she was down at his eye level.
“Okay, Darla, this… this sounds like a serious self hate thing. Are you… do we need to have a talk?”
“No!” He yelled, jerking away. “You need to stop trying to turn me into a girl! I don’t hate myself, I- you know what, I hate pretending I’m something I’m not!” He turned on his heel, storming across the apartment’s kitchen and living room to his bedroom, slamming the door.
***
Darius spent a while fuming on his bed, before he heard a soft knock on the wall that was touching between his and Danielle’s rooms. The walls in the apartment building they lived in were thin, you could have conversations through them if you were close enough.
“I’m sorry for upsetting you.” Came her muffled voice. He couldn’t tell if she sounded genuine or not. “I didn’t mean to do that.”
“Hm.” He said back stiffly.
“…Are you really set on this?” She asked, sounding disappointed.
“Yes. And I’m not going to go back to being a girl, either.” He said firmly.
“I think you’re going to do this for a few years before you realize it’s a phase, but okay. We can do this for a little bit longer.”
“It’s not a phase, Dani.” He insisted. “I’m really like this.”
“Okay then.” She said, and he wanted to scream from how condescending she sounded. “Just promise me you won’t do anything permanent before you’re an adult? I don’t want you realizing you were wrong after you’ve already, I don’t know… cut things off.”
“I’ve been doing this since I was five.” He retorted. “I’ve never had second thoughts. Everyone knows me as a boy.”
“It’s different when you’re a kid. Things aren’t as set in place. And this was never meant to be permanent, we were all just humoring you and it stuck.”
He know what to say to that. Everyone had thought of him as a boy for years. He refused to believe it was all just a joke.
“I’m not changing back now. Period.” He said loudly.
Danielle didn’t respond.