Archive of Our Own ^beta

Miyuki doesn’t really remember anything before he was 4, and he doesn’t know how he ended up being under Kataoka’s care. He was told that his parents were close friends of Kataoka, and they got into an accident that took their lives. Kataoka had taken it upon himself to raise the young boy.

Blood, gunshots, fights. These were daily occurrences in the environment that Miyuki grew up in.

He was only 6 the first time he experienced losing someone close. Yuuki was pretty much Miyuki’s elder brother, watching out for him, playing with him, and making sure Miyuki never felt too lonely. The last time Miyuk saw Yuuki, his body was covered in blood, and he lying motionless on the hospital bed, no thanks to a gun shot in his chest during a stake out at a rival base. Miyuki screamed. Cried. But Yuuki never responded.

That was the first, but it definitely wasn’t the last. By the age of 10, Miyuki had seen enough to know not to get emotionally attached to anyone. They all leave. But Miyuki doesn't cry. Not anymore.

Kataoka had made it a point to keep Miyuki out of the violence as much as possible. But Miyuki was often around when the leaders of the gang had meetings. Miyuki listened in as they strategised how to expand their base and businesses. Miyuki listened in as they discussed revenge strategies. By the time he was 14, Miyuki was often an active part of the discussion.

It was clear to everyone in the gang that Miyuki was being groomed to become the next one in command. And, it was equally clear that Kuramochi Yoichi was the one chosen to be Miyuki’s right-hand man.

Miyuki and Kuramochi worked very well together — the next-generation brain and brawn of the gang. With how much they had to work together, it was only natural that they spent a lot of time together. And while Miyuki had made a conscious effort to keep a distance, he couldn’t deny that Kuramochi had become someone very important to him.

“Oi, Kuramochi. You’re not allowed to die before me,” Miyuki had once said during one of their celebratory parties, after he had a few rounds of drinks. “Even if you are about to die, you better hang on until I die before you take your last breath.”

“Don’t be an idiot,” was all Kuramochi said. Miyuki knew that Kuramochi wasn’t going to promise him anything, because on what basis could he keep that promise. They never talked about it again after that.

***

Miyuki and Kuramochi had chosen an abandoned warehouse as their base. The space was secluded enough that no one would randomly chance upon it; and it was big enough for them to practically live there. Both of them had their own rooms in the warehouse which they stay in, there was a huge common area where the other guys usually hung out, and there was a medical area which comprised a basic surgery room and some hospital beds, which was essential especially for their line of work.

“Who’s that?” Miyuki asks, when Kuramochi brought back an injured man one afternoon. One of the other gangs had raided one of their bars, and a fight broke out. That wasn’t anything out of the ordinary, and it’s normal to have people being brought back with injuries. But this person that Kuramochi brought back, Miyuki has never seen him before. “He’s not one of our guys, is he? I’m pretty sure I haven’t seen him around before.”

Kuramochi leans back against the wall, arms crossed in front of his chest as he watched the gang’s private doctor tend to the man. The man is unconscious and bleeding, but both Kuramochi and Miyuki had enough experience to know that it probably isn’t anything life-threatening. “He isn’t.”

Miyuki glances over at Kuramochi quizzically, waiting for him to explain himself. They didn’t usually bring strangers back to their base.

“I don’t know who he is,” Kuramochi sighs, slightly annoyed. “Those bastards came raiding the bar, and instead of running away like any other normal person would, this idiot shouted at them saying that it was rude to disrupt other people’s businesses. Even threatened to call the police. And, you probably can guess what happened after. We tried to get him out of the way as much as possible, but…Anyway, you know we couldn’t bring him to the hospital because that’ll probably get the police involved, so here he is.”

“Idiots exist everywhere, huh?” Miyuki scoffs, turning back to the injured man with an incredulous look.

***

Miyuki and Kuramochi had instructed the doctors to inform them when the man had regained consciousness and was in a state where they could talk. It took three days before Miyuki and Kuramochi had the chance to speak to the man.

When they enter the room, the man turns to look at them with incredibly bright eyes. He has a wide smile on his face, and a glow on his face uncharacteristic of someone who should be recovering from an injury.

“Looks like you’re recovering well,” Kuramochi starts. “Good. The doctors said you’re in a stable enough condition to head back. You just need to let your wounds heal up, it will take a couple weeks maybe. Just be careful with them, but you don’t need further medical treatment. Feel free to head to another hospital if you want though. But before that, two things from us.”

The man tilts his head slightly as he looks on at Kuramochi curiously.

“First, don’t go to the police. Not about what happened at the bar. Second, if you go to the hospital, I don’t care what story you make up to the doctors there about how you got injured and who treated you, but do not mention anything about this place.”

“But why not?” The man quizzes.

“What an idiot,” Kuramochi mutters before continuing. “Because this will make things very complicated. Now, state your side of the deal. What is it that we will need to give for you to shut up about all of these?”

The man frowns, seemingly deep in thought, before shrugging. “I still don’t get why you are not going to the police, but if it will make things complicated for you guys, I won’t. You don’t have to give me anything. After all, you saved me! It wouldn’t be right for me to make things difficult for people who saved me. This Sawamura Eijun wouldn’t do that.”

Miyuki, who had been silently listening to the exchange all this time, couldn’t help but let out a small laugh of amusement. This definitely wasn’t how he expected the conversation to go. That guy is definitely an idiot. And it seems like Kuramochi would be able to handle the rest of the conversation without issues.

“If you are sure about that. Kuramochi, I’ll leave the rest to you,” Miyuki says as he turned, ready to exit the room. “Oh, just a piece of advice from me. Maybe learn to not get involved in other people’s fights if you don’t want to die early. Good luck.” He says as he steps out of the room.

***

Miyuki didn’t think he would ever see Sawamura again. Sawamura would have left the warehouse, headed home, and they would have all carried on with their own lives. Under normal circumstances, both their lives should not have any overlaps.

So when Sawamura appeared at the warehouse the next day, Miyuki was in equal parts surprised and confused. Miyuki hadn’t heard the rest of the conversation the previous day, but Kuramochi had told him after that that Sawamura was heading home. He was sure Kuramochi didn’t say anything else noteworthy, especially not about Sawamura intending to visit again.

Kuramochi had brought the other guys out to make their rounds, and Miyuki is currently the only one at the warehouse to deal with this unannounced visitor.

“Did you regret saying you didn’t want anything, and are here to make your demands?” Miyuki questions, raising an eyebrow.

“No, definitely not,” Sawamura replies immediately, a bright smile forming on his face as he lifts the bag of items in his hands and holds it out to Miyuki. “I bought you guys some snacks! This Sawamura Eijun is here to express my gratitude. And when I was leaving yesterday, I overheard some of the guys saying that they were running out of snacks, and so here it is. I don’t know what you like though, so I got a bit of everything…”

Miyuki doesn’t take the bag from Sawamura, simply staring at the man in front of him with a tinge of amusement in his eyes. He pauses for a split second, contemplating his next course of action.

“Hey—. Wait. What’s your name? What should I call you? The guy from yesterday, he is Kuramochi. I heard you call him that, but what’s your name?”

“You don’t need to know my name. I wasn’t the one to save you. You can take your snacks back. And, this isn’t a place that you should be coming to, and neither is this a place that you can come as you please,” Miyuki says sternly, his expressions cold. He figures that Sawamura isn’t one who could understand things unless they are explicitly said, and he needed to make sure Sawamura got the message. “Leave, and never come back again.”

“I got these for the people who saved me! And if you say you aren’t the one who saved me, then this isn’t for you, and you cannot reject it on their behalf,” Sawamura argues confidently, as he surveys the surrounding. “Where is Kuramochi anyway?”

This guy is unbelievable.

“Kuramochi isn’t here - as you can tell. And fine, if you insist, I’ll hand these to Kuramochi and the guys. So now, you can go. What I said still holds, don’t come back again.” Miyuki grabs the bag from Sawamura’s hands carelessly, as he motions for Sawamura to leave the warehouse.

Sawamura leaves, not without grumbling about how Miyuki was being difficult. He leaves, but he returns the next day.

“Oh, I thought to make sure YOU,” he glared at Miyuki, “actually passed my message on to Kuramochi and the guys.”

“I did, and they told you never to bother them again.”

“Lies! I knew it! You bastard, you didn’t pass my message right.”

And the day after.

“I thought about it, and it didn’t feel right. I still think I need to actually personally convey my gratitude to the people who saved me.”

Miyuki thought he had made it very clear that the warehouse wasn’t a place anyone could just walk in to - especially not someone like Sawamura. But there Sawamura is, standing in front of him, as if that was exactly where he should be.

“Why are you here again- do you not have anywhere else to go?” Miyuki asks. By now, Miyuki’s tone when he speaks to Sawamura is way less hostile than it used to be. There was a hint of familiarity, and Miyuki can’t deny that he was actually intrigued by this man in front of him. “Don’t you have friends or better things to do?”

Sawamura shrugs, as he casually makes himself at home on one of the couches in the common area. “I do! But this is important. It is important that I let the people who saved me know how thankful I am! But why are you the only one who is here all the time? Don’t YOU have things to do too? Or are you a bastard who leaves people like Kuramochi to do things while you stay here and slack off?”

Miyuki laughs in amusement. None of their guys would have dared to say anything like that to him.

“Bastard!! Why are you laughing? This isn’t a joke, it isn’t nice to make other people do things. Also, are you going to finally tell me your name? I can’t just keep calling you bastard even if you ARE probably one,” Sawamura said, animatedly.

Miyuki shakes his head, and in between fits of laughter, he says, “You’re such an idiot. But ahhh, how interesting. I haven’t seen such an interesting idiot in a while.”

Miyuki should have been trying to chase Sawamura out. Miyuki should have been trying to make sure Sawamura finally gets the message, and never comes back again. But Miyuki just flops down next to Sawamura on the couch and says, “Miyuki Kazuya.”

“Huh?”

“I thought you wanted to know my name.”

“Miyuki Kazuya…that is such a nice name. What a waste on a bastard like you,” Sawamura says, shaking his head in disapproval.

“I thought you were going to stop calling me a bastard.”

“I didn’t say I was going to do that, I just said I can’t keep calling you that. Doesn’t mean I will stop doing it,” Sawamura defended.

“Okay, whatever works for you. So, what is it going to take for you to leave today? And what is it going to take for you to never come back?” Miyuki asks.

“I’m going to need to at least see Kuramochi today and convey my gratitude,” Sawamura says matter-of-factly. “And, I don’t know, but why am I not allowed to come back? You never told me why.”

“Kuramochi probably isn’t coming back today, he has got stuff to deal with. So maybe you should just go home.” Miyuki groans. “And what do you mean why you are not allowed to come back? Do you just go around visiting people’s houses unannounced? And, this really isn’t a place for someone like you.”

“What do you mean by someone like me? Why is it you can be here, but I can’t? And if it is just because I am visiting unannounced…give me your phone number! I’ll drop you a message before coming!”

Miyuki rolls his eyes, “God, you are completely missing the point. Do you know who we are and what we do? This place isn’t safe for you.”

“I do! I know you are Miyuki Kazuya - even though I only found out. And I know the person who saved me is Kuramochi Yoichi. And I know the both of you are good people, and so is everyone around here. So why isn’t this place safe? And if it really wasn’t safe, Kuramochi wouldn’t have left you alone in here. So this place has got to be safe, isn’t it?”

Miyuki turns to look at the man next to him - so pure, so kind, so different from the environment that he grew up in. Sawamura saw the best in everyone. He was so bright, so bright that Miyuki couldn’t help but want to walk towards him, away from the darkness he was all so accustomed to. So bright couldn’t look away even if he wanted to. That man was not like him, not like them. Sawamura was a respite from all the violence and blood, and all the scheming and power struggles that has always been part of his life. And that’s why he needed to make sure that man doesn’t get involved with them any further. Yet, Miyuki found himself being drawn to that man.

“Hey, Sawamura,” Miyuki says, his tone while stern, had a tinge of warmth in it. It was an important message that he needed to drive into Sawamura. “You don’t know what you are getting yourself into, but trust me when I say you are better off staying as far away as possible. Kuramochi isn’t coming back today, so if you are waiting for him, you aren’t going to see him today. I’ll pass along a message, and I’ll get Kuramochi to contact you when he comes back tomorrow. So please, listen, leave, and don’t come back.”

Sawamura pouts a little as he contemplates Miyuki’s words. Shaking his head, Sawamura says quietly, “Hey, Miyuki. Tell me more about your stories. Tell me why I shouldn’t come back. If it is going to be dangerous for me like you say, then I want to make sure that you will be safe too. I can’t just go on living my own life like everything is perfect, if I know that you, Kuramochi, and all the other people here could be in danger. I didn’t know before, but now I know, and I can’t leave it.”

“It’s really for the better that you don’t get involved,” was all Miyuki said before he stood up from the couch, a signal that he wanted Sawamura to leave immediately. “Please, just go.”

“Hey, Miyuki. I’ll leave it for now, but until I am convinced that I really shouldn’t be here - and that you guys will be safe - I’ll keep coming back,” Sawamura sighed quietly, before making a move to leave. Before he leaves, he turns, flashing a cheeky smile. “OH! I know what I want in exchange for not going to the cops for my previous injury. I want permission to keep coming over, and YOU can’t chase me out.”

With that, Sawamura leaves the warehouse, leaving an exasperated Miyuki behind.

***

Sawamura does exactly what he said he would do. He just keeps appearing at the warehouse, making up different excuses for his visit each time he appears, until he no longer needs an excuse.

It wasn’t like Miyuki and Kuramochi didn’t try to keep him out. They did, they tried all sorts of ways - they talked, they reasoned, they tricked him, and they even tried to threaten. But Sawamura just kept returning. Until they gave up, until they accepted that Sawamura was just going to be around.

Sawamura got close to the other members of the gang really quickly, they all enjoyed having him around. But most of the time that he was there, he would just be buzzing around Miyuki and Kuramochi, and especially, Miyuki.

Often, it is just Miyuki and Sawamura who would be spending time together, since Kuramochi was usually not around. Sometimes, they bicker - Miyuki jumping on any given opportunity to tease Sawamura, and Sawamura trying to out-talk Miyuki with his twisted logic. Sometimes, they just lounge on the couch, lazily spending the afternoon with something random playing on the television. Sometimes, when Miyuki had things to deal with, Sawamura would just quietly watch. And at other times, it is quiet conversations they have.

The playful banters, unintentional touches as they have little fights and squabbles, Sawamura’s presence. These were things that seemed so natural, it was almost like they belonged right there at the warehouse, right where it belonged in Miyuki’s life. Something inside of Miyuki was rekindled just by Sawamura’s presence — something he had felt before, except this was much more. It was a feeling that was so familiar yet so foreign. It was warmth, comfort, and something else.

“Oi, seriously. Sawamura, do you really not have anything better to do than to hang out here?” Kuramochi quips one day after he returns to the warehouse after making his rounds. Of course, he sees Sawamura sitting at his favourite seat next to Miyuki, a bag of chips in his hands. Upon seeing Kuramochi enter the room, Sawamura scoots slightly to the side, his arms comfortably pressing against Miyuki’s as he makes space for Kuramochi.

Kuramochi gladly plonks himself onto the empty space next to Sawamura, naturally reaching out to take a handful of chips, “Why are you ALWAYS here?”

“You tell him, Kuramochi,” Miyuki chimes. “I see him around here more than I see you. And I can’t ever get him to buzz off.”

“You bastard, don’t pretend like you don’t actually like it that I am here,” Sawamura glares at Miyuki, mouth full of chips. “I have other places that I can go, but I like it here best, so here I am. And you guys like it when I’m here too, so why not?”

“What. Where did all that confidence come from?” Miyuki scoffs, giving Sawamura a light nudge with his shoulders.

“I was talking to the guys the other day when the both of you were having your super serious meeting,” Sawamura said plainly. “They told me I was fun. And they liked me.”

“That doesn’t say anything about us liking you though!”

Sawamura shrugs. “They also said they haven’t seen Miyuki Kazuya talk so much before, and that Miyuki Kazuya becomes more playful and relaxed when I am around. That means you like me being around, doesn’t it?”

“Oi, Miyuki! Looks like you are…” Kuramochi bursts into laughter at that, turning to look at Miyuki. Kuramochi trails off, clearing his throat when he sees Miyuki’s expressions falter at Sawamura’s words.

Miyuki has suddenly become all too aware of the contact between their arms, and of the warmth that he was getting from Sawamura next to him. He is suddenly conscious of how alive he feels just from hearing Sawamura’s voice, and how comfortable he has been right next to Sawamura, of how he has let down his guard a tad too much when Sawamura is around, and of how he has been so attracted to this man next to him.

He never wanted to face it, but subconsciously, he knew that he enjoyed Sawamura’s company. Miyuki had made it a point not to get too emotionally attached to people, and maybe, while he was having fun with Sawamura, he had forgotten that he should not - he should never - get close to anyone.

Miyuki thought he had hid it well, but, if it was that obvious to everyone else, maybe then it means that whatever Miyuki is feeling, it is way bigger than what he thought he is. So big that he is no longer able to keep it in.

And what he just heard from Sawamura, all it did was remind him that he needed to stop.

Miyuki clears his throat, an unreadable expression plastered on his face. He turns to Kuramochi, as he makes a move to get up from the couch. “Alright, enough of this. Sawamura, give us some time please. It might take a while, so maybe you should go home first.”

“Alright,” Sawamura takes the cue to leave. “But wait, can I actually stay over today? I have somewhere to be tomorrow, and it’s nearer for me to get there from here.”

“No,” Miyuki snapped, before taking a deep breath, and continuing more calmly. “There are no spare rooms for you anyway.”

“I can take the couch,” Sawamura mutters quietly. Sawamura had picked up on the change in Miyuki’s tone earlier, and he thought this wasn’t the time to push. He hadn’t heard Miyuki speak so coldly and void of emotions in a while, and for some reason, it stung. “Alright then, I’ll head back. I might not come over tomorrow, so see you the day after?”

“It’s fine, you don’t have to come every day,” Miyuki said curtly, without looking at Sawamura. He didn’t need to look to know that he had probably hurt Sawamura with his words. Miyuki simply signalled for Kuramochi to follow him into their meeting room.

Kuramochi had quietly watched the exchange between the other two. And once they were in the meeting room, doors closed and away from everyone else, he spoke up. “What was that?”

Miyuki doesn’t respond.

“We don’t actually have anything to talk about today. But you chased him away. What you want to talk about is about him, isn’t it?”

Miyuki sighs, he sometimes doesn’t know if he should be glad or scared that Kuramochi could read him that well. “It’s too dangerous for him to be hanging around here.”

“Haven’t we already established this way back when he kept coming? We tried chasing him away, until we couldn’t. Don’t we already have plans in place to make sure he will be safe - you even have some of the guys to watch him round the clock. So why now?”

Kuramochi eyes Miyuki keenly - he suspects he knew the answer, but he doesn’t want to say it until Miyuki says it for himself.

Except Miyuki wasn’t going to say anything. Saying it out meant it was true, meant he now had another weakness, meant he was now vulnerable to having someone leave him again. Saying it out meant Sawamura was different.

“Miyuki,” After a minute of silence, Kuramochi starts, quietly and calmly. “You wanted to discuss it. Nothing is going to be discussed if you don’t talk.”

“Fuck, Kuramochi, what do you want me to say?” Miyuki says, frustrated.

“You are supposed to be the brains between the two of us. Maybe start with admitting what you are thinking?”

“…We need to get him out. For real.”

“Miyuki,” Kuramochi says quietly. “We have tried it before, it never worked. And you know it is only going to be harder now. The only way we can do that, is to make him want to leave. But, maybe it is too late now. Maybe you are the only one who will be able to make that happen now. But Miyuki, can you bear to make it happen?”

When he sees that Miyuki doesn’t respond, Kuramochi continues, “You are scared. What you heard the guys say, what they see, you are scared.”

“I am. I fucking am,” Miyuki shouts. “I don’t know what I will do if I see him die in front of me. And the more he hangs out with us, the higher the chances that is going to happen.”

I previously told you that you cannot die before me, and I know that you can protect yourself enough to stay alive. But he’s not you, ‘Mochi. He isn’t going to be able to do that. And what scares me, ’Mochi, is that he makes me forget. When he’s around, I have so much fun that I forget the type of people we are. I only see him bright and glowing that I forget to watch out for potential danger. I forget I put him in a vulnerable position. And ‘Mochi, that scares me a whole damn lot. Is what Miyuki doesn’t say.

Kuramochi quietly continues, “Miyuki, have you spoken to him about it? Not about how dangerous it is for him. But, about what you are thinking. And what you are feeling? It’s something way bigger, isn’t it?”

Miyuki shakes his head silently, his voice dropping into a quiet whisper. “How could I ever?”

***

“Kuramochi, Miyuki is acting weird. Did something happen?” Sawamura says quietly, his feet propped onto the couch, and his chin resting on his knees as he sulks. “Or did I do something wrong to annoy him?”

The days following the conversation that Miyuki had with Kuramochi, he had been avoiding Sawamura. Whenever Sawamura was there, Miyuki made excuses to go away - he either used Kuramochi as a deflection, or he grabbed any of the guys who happened to be standing around. Sometimes, he even said he needed to head out to meet Kataoka and the other leaders. All of them were obvious excuses to not be around Sawamura.

By now, Sawamura already knew they were operating as a gang, but he never really knew about the intricacies of their operations. So, although Miyuki’s excuses were super lame to Kuramochi, Sawamura never really thought much about it - he genuinely thought Miyuki really did become busier.

But as oblivious as Sawamura is, it only takes that much time before he decides that Miyuki was avoiding him. Each time Miyuki made an excuse to leave, Sawamura hears a tinge of…something..in Miyuki’s voice. He can’t quite tell what it is, but something tells him that Miyuki was lying.

Sawamura didn’t know why Miyuki was acting weird, but it bothered him. And it hurt him.

That day, Miyuki had made another excuse, saying that he had some errands to run for Kataoka. It was a blatant lie, Kuramochi knew — Kataoka would never get Miyuki to run errands. He had tons of other people for that, and Miyuki’s time was better used elsewhere. But he was gone anyway, and Sawamura was left to hang out with Kuramochi, both of them sitting next to each other on the couch in the common area.

“If I did something wrong, I would rather he just told me. I would probably understand that better than…him not talking to me,” Sawamura continues, a mix of confusion and hurt in his voice. “Kuramochi, he was lying, wasn’t he? He doesn’t actually have any errands to run today, right?”

“Maybe try picking up some hints sometimes,” Kuramochi says with a sigh.

“How do I pick up any hints when he doesn’t even tell me anything? And I’m an idiot - that’s what you always say. So, maybe make it easier for me to understand?”

“It’s not my place to tell, and you guys need to sort it out yourselves,” Kuramochi laments. “Maybe think about what he has said so far, and why he said what he did.”

Sawamura furrows his brows as he goes deep in thought. “I don’t know…I only said the guys said he liked it when I was around, and then poof! He suddenly became weird and cold, and said that I didn’t need to always be here…wait, is it about that? Does he not want me to be around? He used to always chase me away, but I thought we were over that. So why this again?”

Kuramochi doesn’t confirm or deny Sawamura’s suspicions. He simply gives Sawamura a light nudge on his shoulders, “I will set something up so that asshole doesn’t run away. You have one chance at this to talk to him tomorrow. That’s as much as I can do to help.”

***

And Kuramochi delivers. The only way he would have been able to get Miyuki to stay was by force - there was no way he would have outsmarted Miyuki. He knew Miyuki was going to be pissed, but he knew also that he just needed to let Miyuki bash him up in return, and Miyuki would eventually get over it. So he bit the bullet, snuck into Miyuki’s room and pinned him to the ground, before tying up his limbs.

“What the fuck, Kuramochi Yoichi?! Are you staging a rebellion now or?!” Miyuki had protested.

“Shut up and bear with this for a while. I am not rebelling, don’t worry. Someone will come untie you soon, you can do whatever you want to me after this.”

“You sure as hell are going to die.” Miyuki snapped back, gaze burning into Kuramochi. He had never in his darkest dreams thought that Kuramochi was going to be the one betraying him.

Kuramochi doesn’t respond, simply leaving a struggling Miyuki on the floor as he exits the room.

Miyuki’s screams for help were futile. Miyuki was fast to realise that Kuramochi had probably bribed all the other guys outside, and he quickly starts to scan his room for anything that he could use to help cut off the rope tying his hands together. Whatever it was that Kuramochi was scheming, Miyuki was sure that he was going to have to pay back for it. Miyuki doesn’t know how long it had passed before the door opened again.

“Kuramo-“ Miyuki starts, only to stop when he realised that the person who walked in was not Kuramochi, but instead, was Sawamura. Miyuki was smart enough to quickly understand what this meant, and what Kuramochi was trying to do.

“What the fuck!” Sawamura exclaims at the sight in front of him, as he quickly runs over to Miyuki, wanting to set Miyuki free. “Who did this to you? What happened?!”

“Kuramochi Yoichi is going to die,” Miyuki mutters under his breath as Sawamura works on the ropes that were binding Miyuki’s hands together.

“Wait. Kuramochi did this? Was this what he meant by he will set something up so you don’t run away?” Sawamura stops midway in motion. “Oh god, then I can’t untie you!!! The moment I untie you, you are going to make some stupid excuse and run away. He did this so that we can talk!”

Miyuki fidgets in position, and nudges Sawamura’s hands, asking for him to continue to untie the ropes. It was getting very uncomfortable for him. “Goddammit, Sawamura- just fucking untie me. I won’t run, I promise. I don’t know what you want to talk about, but I am definitely NOT talking with my hands like that.”

“Miyuki,” Sawamura thinks for a bit, before speaking out as he continues moving his hands to help untie Miyuki. “I don’t know if you are really going to stay and talk to me after I let you go. I hope you stay, and we talk. But I don’t know, because I don’t always know what you are thinking. Like why you are asking me to leave again. But I don’t like seeing you in pain like that.”

Miyuki stays quiet as he listens to Sawamura talk. Miyuki can’t help but notice the vulnerability in Sawamura’s voice. He can’t help but notice Sawamura’s warmth so near to him as he worked on the ropes. He can’t help but feel the sensation of Sawamura’s hands brushing against his fingers. Miyuki knows he shouldn’t - he can’t - but he can’t help but gradually lean into Sawamura’s touches.

And when Sawamura was done with the ropes, Miyuki stays. A voice in him tells him he should leave, that he should keep the distance. But he stays. He takes a deep breath, and turns to face Sawamura. “So, I’m here. What is it that you want to talk about? What is so important that you needed to get Kuramochi to tie me up like that?”

“I didn’t tell Kuramochi to tie you up,” Sawamura protested. “I only said that I would rather you tell me why I was annoying you, or why you were acting this weird. Instead of avoiding talking to me at all. Miyuki Kazuya, I am an idiot like you say, and if you don’t tell me what I did wrong, I wouldn’t know. Kuramochi told me to learn to pick up hints, but no matter how I try, I can’t quite piece them together in a way that makes sense.”

Miyuki stays quiet, watching as Sawamura talked. He notices that Sawamura had started to cry, and it takes everything in him to stop himself from reaching out to wipe those tears off Sawamura’s cheeks.

“Miyuki Kazuya, if you want me to leave, at least tell me why?” Sawamura pleaded.

Miyuki takes in a deep breath to calm himself down, to stop his voice from wavering. “I’ve told you a lot of times before, haven’t I?”

“What? That it is dangerous for me?

Miyuki looks at Sawamura, his expressions simply saying that Sawamura knew exactly what he was saying.

“But Miyuki, you have been saying that forever. And I am still here, nothing has happened. And everything was fine. We were having fun. So why is it now you are saying this again?”

Miyuki swallows down the lump in his throat, clenching his fists so tight as he tries to keep his calm. Miyuki doesn’t like being vulnerable in front of anyone. But Sawamura is looking at him with so much anticipation, sincerity, and…something else he can’t name. And the look in Sawamura’s eyes is full of determination, even if he is clearly upset, and those eyes, they give Miyuki courage. The courage to also face himself. And maybe, it is because Miyuki is in the comfort of his own room, and he knows he is in a safe space, Miyuki can’t help but be honest.

“Because I am scared,” Miyuki mutters weakly. “I wasn’t before, but now, I am.”

Sawamura slides a little closer to Miyuki, and after a brief pause, he takes Miyuki’s hands in his gently. “What are you scared about?”

“That you will die and leave me behind. Scared of you dying. And of being left behind, again.” Miyuki looks down on the floor, unable to look at Sawamura as he continues. “I don’t want you to leave. But I don’t want you to die either. And being around me…it puts you in danger.”

Sawamura gives Miyuki’s hands a light squeeze, as if to reassure him that he is still around. He bends down slightly so that he gets into Miyuki’s line of sight, flashing one of his best smiles - one so bright that Miyuki can’t help but look up at him.

“Hey, hey, Miyuki, listen. But that’s just a chance that it will happen, isn’t it? It might not happen either. But if I leave right now, it means I am gone. For sure. Would you really rather I leave right now?”

Miyuki shakes his head, his movements so slight that Sawamura thought he might have seen wrongly.

“Then that’s all that matters,” Sawamura says. “I won’t be leaving. And I promise you, I won’t die. I won’t leave you behind.”

“You can’t promise something like that. And it’s dangerous to hope.”

“I can. This Sawamura Eijun doesn’t make promises he can’t keep. So Miyuki Kazuya, stop avoiding me. And stop asking me to leave if you don’t mean it,” Sawamura says as he leans in closer to Miyuki. He brings his voice down to a whisper, barely audible as he continues, “Because I really don’t want to leave you either.”

Miyuki’s breath hitches at Sawamura’s words. It takes a moment, but he gives in to his impulses and leans in to close the gap between their lips. He was careful, hesitant, unsure even. But when Miyuki feels Sawamura move his lips against his, he deepens the kiss, gently, slowly, lovingly, as a single tear fell from his eye. He takes his hands from Sawamura’s hold, moving to loosely hold Sawamura around his waist instead and tugging the other man closer to him.

“Miyuki Kazuya, I like you,” Sawamura whispers against Miyuki’s lips when they finally break the kiss.

Miyuki doesn’t say it back. Instead, all he says is, “Stay with me.”

***

Miyuki likes the way Sawamura’s hands felt in his. He likes the warmth of Sawamura’s body against his. He likes how Sawamura curls up against his body in bed at night, right where it belongs. He likes going back home after a long day of meetings and strategising, and to see that Sawamura is there, bright as ever.

But, his fears grow in proportion with how much he likes it.

Miyuki had tried to keep things discreet, but he just keeps letting slip. From the glances he steals at Sawamura, from the way he smiles when he is around him, from the way he wants to keep Sawamura close — anyone who has seen them would catch on to the fact that Sawamura is someone that matters to Miyuki.

Miyuki knows that their rivals has caught on to the fact that Sawamura exists. Narumiya Mei, leader of their rival gang, has long been trying to take down Miyuki; and Miyuki knows Narumiya enough to know that they aren’t going to let go of that fact that Sawamura mattered.

Miyuki had become increasingly paranoid and edgy, especially when Sawamura was out of sight. He made sure not to stress Sawamura out too much, he tried to keep things cool while Sawamura was around, but Sawamura could see, he could feel Miyuki’s tension.

Sawamura doesn’t know how he can help relieve the tension, to help Miyuki relax. He wonders if perhaps Miyuki might be in a better place if he had listened and left while he could. But, they are both now too deep into this thing they have, for him to just leave. He believes that with time, Miyuki will get better at coping with this fear, that Miyuki will start to also believe that everything will be fine.

Sawamura tries to stick around Miyuki as much as he can, and when he needs to leave to do his own thing, he makes sure to tell Miyuki where he is going. He also allows Miyuki to send people to protect him. It’s sometimes inconvenient, but he likes those guys enough, so he doesn’t really mind. As long as it helps take the stress off Miyuki, even just slightly.

“Kazuya, is it getting too difficult to manage?” Sawamura asks quietly one night. Miyuki had just returned from a long meeting, and tension was evident on his face. Sawamura doesn’t usually ask what those meetings are about, but he had accidentally overheard earlier when the other guys were talking that they suspected Narumiya is going to take action soon — and he is somehow involved. Sawamura can guess what the meeting was about, and why Miyuki looks so tired. But he doesn't talk about it. He simply sits Miyuki down on the edge of the bed, then kneels down on the bed behind Miyuki, and starts giving him a gentle massage at his temples. He had read in an article online that massaging the temples can help to alleviate stress. 

Miyuki lightly shakes his head, as he reaches out to hold on to Sawamura’s hand, tugging on him as a signal for him to come to the front, where he could see him. “I’m fine.”

“That’s what you always say,” Sawamura huffs as he crawls off the bed to stand in front of Miyuki, moving his hand so that he is properly holding on to Miyuki's. “But you don’t always mean it. Kazuya, it’s okay to not be okay, especially when you are with me. You know that right?”

Miyuki looks up at Sawamura — his eyes are still so bright, and they are looking at Miyuki with so much love and concern. Without breaking the gaze, he gently brings their interlocked hands to his lips, peppering small kisses on the back of Sawamura’s hands.

Sawamura takes a step closer. With his free hand, he pats Miyuki on his head, before lightly pushing it forward so that Miyuki's head is now lightly leaning against his stomach. Sawamura runs his fingers tenderly through the tufts of Miyuki's hair. “You always call me an idiot, but you are the real idiot. If it is getting too difficult, promise me you will tell me?”

“If it gets too difficult, then what? You’ll leave?”

“I told you you were the idiot. I’m not leaving, unless you tell me to. If it gets too difficult…” Sawamura hums, “I don’t know what I can do. Maybe I’ll just stomp out there and get rid of those people that are making you worry so much. Don't underestimate what this Sawamura Eijun can do!!”

“Idiot,” Miyuki grimaces affectionately, and he lets a light chuckle slip through his lips. Somehow, Sawamura always had the ability to make the atmosphere lighter. Wrapping his arms around Sawamura’s waist and pulling him closer, Miyuki mutters, “Just stay here. As long as you are here, it won't get too difficult. I will be fine. I mean it.”

They spend the next few moments in silence, just soaking in the warmth and comfort of each other's presence.

“Eijun,” Miyuki eventually breaks the silence. “Aren’t you scared at all?”

Sawamura thinks for a second, before peeling away from Miyuki. He takes a small step back and kneeling on the floor, meeting Miyuki at eye-level. “I’ll be lying if I said I wasn’t scared at all. But Kazuya, I trust that you, Kuramochi, and all the other guys here, you are the strongest people to ever exist. So I’m not scared. And actually, what I’m scared of? It’s not dying. What I’m scared of, is that you will be left alone. Is that you will be lonely like you used to be. And I don’t like that at all.”

***

Miyuki has been getting nightmares more than usual. The nightmares were same as the ones that he used to get a lot as a kid. As he grew up, he stopped getting those nightmares, but these days, they seem to have returned.

In those nightmares, he sees Yuuki’s cold blood-covered body in front of him. He sees bodies of all his friends who had left him behind. But now, in his nightmares, he also sees Sawamura’s body, cold, still, and lifeless in front of him. He screams voiceless screams, he cries, he fights, but Sawamura doesn’t respond.

But each time he startles awake from these nightmares, he sees Sawamura sleeping peacefully right next to him, arms and legs messily draped over his body. Sawamura’s warmth reminds him that Sawamura is still alive, that he hasn’t lost Sawamura, and that everything is still okay.

“One of those nightmares again?” Sawamura looks up at Miyuki with sleepy eyes.

“Sorry I woke you.” Miyuki answers quietly as he looks over at Sawamura.

Sawamura shifts slightly, reaching up to brush Miyuki’s fringe out from his face, before resting his hand on Miyuki’s cheek, cupping his lower jaw gently before leaning in for a light peck on his lips. “Hey, don’t worry. I’m still here.”

Miyuki shifts closer to Sawamura, tightens his embrace around Sawamura, like he is scared that if he didn’t do that, someone might just take Sawamura away from him.

***

Sawamura ran. He ran as fast as he could. Until he had no where else to run.

Earlier that day, Sawamura had received a phone call from the security at his estate, citing a planned routine check of the pipes and electricity cables, and asking if Sawamura was able to head back to open the doors for the maintenance people later that afternoon.

Sawamura hadn’t thought much about it. Routine checks were commonplace, especially at an older estate like his. And given how he hasn’t been home lately, he thought that he probably missed a mail informing him of the checks.

Like always, he gave Miyuki a heads up, telling him he was going to head back for a bit. Miyuki had felt something was off, and he had offered to go back with Sawamura. Sawamura had rejected Miyuki’s offer, knowing that Miyuki had other important things to deal with that day. Instead, he told Miyuki that if he was worried, he could just have a few more guys tag alongside him that day.

Truth be told, Miyuki wasn’t entirely sure. His gut feel told him that he shouldn’t let Sawamura head back that day, especially not alone. But he also knew that Sawamura had thought that Miyuki has been worrying too much, and in turn, Sawamura has been worrying about Miyuki.

Miyuki does not like worrying Sawamura. He has been making efforts to cope with his fears, and in parts, maybe to convince himself that he was just being overly-sensitive. So, he doesn’t push. He takes Sawamura’s suggestion, sending more of his people to accompany Sawamura home.

Except, Miyuki’s gut feel was right. Narumiya had bought over the security to lure Sawamura home. And he had ambushed Sawamura when he was on his way back. Narumiya had easily outnumbered the people who were watching after Sawamura, and although Sawamura had manage to escape unscathed from where the fight broke out, he had ended up running right straight into the alley, where another group of Narumiya’s men were waiting for him.

When Miyuki received the notification that Sawamura was taken, he was in the middle of a serious discussion with Kuramochi. He freaked out. He picked up the gun from the arms room, all ready to charge into the rival base to take Sawamura back, only to be stopped by Kuramochi.

“LET ME GO, I NEED TO GET HIM BACK,” Miyuki shouts.

“WE WILL GET HIM BACK,” Kuramochi shouted as he pulled Miyuki back. “Charging in like that is  only going to get YOU killed, it isn’t going to get him back. You know that, so STOP FOR A MOMENT AND THINK.”

Miyuki continues struggling, screaming to get himself free from Kuramochi’s hold, until he hears Kuramochi quietly say, “Miyuki, if you want to get him back, we need a plan. Going in by force isn’t going to work. You are not the only one who wants to get him back. All of us here do.”

Miyuki stops. He breathes. He tries to think. He needs a plan to get Sawamura back. And if anyone is going to come up with that plan, it will be him.

Thinking. Strategising. That is what Miyuki is good at. That should come easy to him, shouldn’t it? But all he could think of now is that he needs to get Sawamura back. No feasible plan was coming to his mind.

Logically, he knows that they will not kill off Sawamura just yet. Getting hold of Sawamura was just a bait for them to get something, and they would have to keep Sawamura alive for that purpose. If they only wanted to kill Sawamura, they would have done so right there and then instead of capturing him. Miyuki knows that, but Miyuki needs to see for himself that Sawamura is still alive.

It takes a couple of hours before Miyuki comes up with something that he thinks can work. It wasn’t a perfect plan, but he thinks it is sufficient for now. And against Kuramochi’s protest, he makes sure that he is part of the plan this time. Miyuki knows he doesn’t have much on-ground combat experience, but he needs to be there to make sure Sawamura is alright.

Miyuki contacted Narumiya Mei and offered to strike a deal. Let him go, we’ll give you what you want.

Miyuki wasn’t stupid to think that that was going to work. Even if they had agreed to a deal, he was sure they would just kill Sawamura off after they got what they wanted. But Miyuki needed that to find out where exactly they took Sawamura.

“The deal is only on on the condition that he is safe,” Miyuki had said in faux-confidence. “You know you aren’t going to win if a fight breaks out. That’s why you had to take him. Your best bet to get whatever you want, is for a deal to go through. We will talk when I see him in person.”

Miyuki received an address, saying to meet there later that night. But Miyuki was smart enough to know it was a trap. If Miyuki predicted it right, what will happen is that he will see Sawamura as proof that Sawamura is alive, and then they will immediately take Sawamura away before they carry on with the ‘deal’.

From the address that was sent to him, it didn’t take Miyuki long to figure a few plausible holding areas where they might take Sawamura to. He kept a few guys next to him - Kuramochi included - and told the rest of them to split up at the different locations to prepare for an ambush to take Sawamura back.

That would have been the best bet, since most of their people would be stationed at the primary location, waiting to start a fight when the deal goes wrong. Kuramochi had also activated some of his friends - who technically are not part of the gang, but just local hooligans who owe Kuramochi favours - to help wreak havoc at the rival bars and businesses to split their resources.

Miyuki knows that it is a trap. There is not going to be a deal, and things are almost definitely going to turn violent. Keeping a few guys with him is probably not going to be sufficient. They are probably going to be outnumbered, and there is a chance he would get killed in the midst of it. But it is a gamble that he has to take. And it is a gamble that he will take as long as it meant they could get Sawamura back.

Miyuki shows up at the location at the agreed time, and as he had guessed, there Sawamura is, tied up to a wooden chair in the middle of the room. There are visible bruises and blood stains on his face and body. But Sawamura is still conscious, albeit weak. Sawamura’s eyes light up the same way they always do when he sees Miyuki, and he gives him the brightest smile he can manage. “Hey,” Sawamura whimpers weakly. “Don’t worry, I am still here.”

It takes Miyuki everything to stop himself from running towards Sawamura. How much he wanted to just run up to Sawamura and hold him in his arms.

“You’ve seen that he is safe. So we can talk now,” Narumiya snarls. If things were to go as Miyuki planned, Sawamura should be taken away now. Except things don’t always go as planned, and Sawamura was still there. They didn’t seem to be planning to move Sawamura.

“What do you want?” Miyuki replied coldly, his eyes locked on Sawamura, as he quickly thinks about possible scenarios that could happen next.

“Whoa, whoa. Is that how someone who wants to strike a deal should sound like?” Narumiya sing-songs, as he casually kicks Sawamura. “If you want to strike a deal with me, you should be looking at me when you talk, and not at him.”

Miyuki clenches his fist at the sight, turning to glare at Narumiya. He was seeing red, he wanted to just forget everything and lunge forward and attack. But he felt Kuramochi tug on his shirt, reminding him not to act rashly. Especially not when they know for a fact that they are severely outnumbered. Their guys have split into many different locations, but Narumiya Mei had all his people here. There was no way they could win this fight.

"Don’t worry, he’s not going anywhere. To show how sincere we are in making this deal go through, we will make sure you can always see that he is safe,” Narumiya continues, as he shrugs nonchalantly. “Oops, did you guess that we will take him somewhere else? Were you planning to take him away then? Ahh, sorry, I guess we spoiled your plan. I expected more from you though, Kazuya. I guess they are right when they say love makes people stupid.”

“Ugh…Miyuki Kazuya is…NOT stupid,” Sawamura groans from where he was seated.

“Eijun, shut up,” Miyuki growled.

“Wow, wow, wow. What’s this I’m seeing. You’re like that you still can think of defending whether or not Miyuki Kazuya is stupid?” Narumiya breaks into a cynical laughter, giving Sawamura a swat on his head.

“Mei, enough. Let’s stop wasting time. What do you want?” Miyuki snaps, his voice ice-cold. He really just wanted to get this over and done with, and to take Sawamura back with him. If he could, he would give Narumiya everything he wanted— except he couldn’t. He couldn’t just betray the trust Kataoka had in him, he couldn’t simply let all the guys who have been following him down, he couldn’t even if he wanted to.

“Patience, Kazuya,” Narumiya pulls out a gun from his pocket, fiddling with it idly. “Kazuya, let’s play a game. It’s not fun if I tell you straight out, isn’t it? Why not you guess what I want? If you guess it right, we can talk. And if you guess it wrong, I don’t know, maybe my hand will slip and some bullets may fly?” Narumiya places the gun to Sawamura’s temple and smirks, “Our dear boy here said you aren’t stupid, so you can’t disappoint him, can you?”

Seeing a gun being pointed at Sawamura like that? That’s the last straw for Miyuki. Whatever was left of Miyuki’s rationality snapped. He doesn’t care that he is going to be outnumbered. He doesn’t care for a plan. All he wants, all he needs, is to get Sawamura back right next to him. No matter how. No matter what it takes.

“NARUMIYA MEI!!!!” Miyuki bellows as he charges towards Narumiya. “LEAVE HIM ALONE. DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH HIM.”

Miyuki ran before Kuramochi was able to stop him. The abrupt action had everyone in the room charging towards each other, up in arms.

Kuramochi had to pick his battles. They were outnumbered. He knows lives are going to be lost, but his priorities were simply to make sure Miyuki and Sawamura were not part of those lost.

But, even if he is Kuramochi, there is only so much he can do. He fended off anyone trying to get to him, all while making sure that no one is getting near Miyuki. But, as he is holding back the attacks from behind, Miyuki is charging towards Narumiya — the Narumiya who has a gun in his hand, the Narumiya who has been waiting for a chance to take down Miyuki.

All Kuramochi hears is a gunshot, Sawamura’s exclamation, “KAZUYA!!!!”, and the sound of someone collapsing on the floor. And Kuramochi knows it is too late.

***

“Kazuya, I promised I won’t leave you.”

“You did.”

“You are always worried about me dying. But for all that you say this is dangerous, you don’t ever talk abut what will happen to me if you die. So I decided that hey, if you are going to die, I’ll follow closely behind. I said I won’t leave you. That means I can’t leave you alone even if you’re dead.”

“Don’t be stupid. If that day comes, don’t come after me. I’m not worth it.”

“But you are.” 

“Don’t do it.”

“Kazuya, then, don’t die.”

***

Sawamura, still tied to the chair, uses whatever remaining energy he has to lean over to the side so that he can fall over onto the floor. He wriggles using his entire body and inches his way towards Miyuki, dragging the chair along with him as he moves. His movements are restricted, but he manages by sheer determination.

He wants to hold Miyuki in his arms, to let Miyuki know that he wasn’t alone, to tell Miyuki that he was right there, that they will be fine, but he can’t do any of those. All he can do is to get as close to Miyuki as physically possible, his vision clouded by a mixture of blood and tears.

“Miyuki Kazuya, I didn’t know…” Sawamura manages between sobs. “You bastard. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. If only I listened, then you wouldn’t have…”

Miyuki reaches out slowly, expending any remaining energy he has left. His bloody hand holds on to Sawamura, as he gently runs his thumb across his cheeks in an attempt to wipe off the tears, only to replace the tear-stains with blood-stains. “Eijun, You kept your promise. I’m sorry you have to see this. I’m sorry. I should have made you leave. But Eijun, I can’t. I couldn’t. Eijun…”

There was so much Sawamura wanted to say, so much he wanted to tell Miyuki. He wanted to tell Miyuki to stop talking, to stop wasting his energy, to stay alive. But all he could say was, “Kazuya, don’t. Don’t. Please, please Kazuya. Please don’t. I’m begging you. Kazuya.”

“Hey Eijun, I…love…you…”

***

“Eijun…do you regret staying?”

“No, I will never.”

“I hope you won’t hate me for keeping you around because I was selfish.”

“I wanted to stay.”

“…"

“Hey, Kazuya, you know I love you right?”

“Mmm.”

“And I know you love me too. Even if you won’t ever say it.”

“Mmm.”

***

Narumiya Mei had retreated with the rest of his people after Miyuki was shot. They had accomplished what they set out to do, and there really wasn’t any other reason to stay around.

Kuramochi had rushed over to where Miyuki and Sawamura were lying, and helped to untie Sawamura. The moment Sawamura was freed, he had crawled over to hold a motionless Miyuki in his arms, crying and shouting for Miyuki to wake up.

By the time the ambulance arrived, Sawamura had passed out from crying too much in a weak body, while still holding Miyuki in his arms. Miyuki, on the other hand, had lost too much blood to be saved.

When Sawamura woke up in the hospital, he saw Kuramochi waiting by his bed. It strangely felt like the first time he met Kuramochi and Miyuki, except this time, Miyuki wasn’t there. Sawamura doesn’t ask.

***

“Ahh, I really owe Kuramochi so much. First, he saved me. Then, because of that, I met you. We really got him to thank for this, don’t we?”

“Mmm, yeah.”

“And, I’m so, so, so glad Kuramochi has been here with you all this while.”

“Yeah, I owe Kuramochi a whole lot.”

“Kazuya, we should do something to repay him!!”

“The best way to repay him, is to be alive and not leave him behind.”

***

Sawamura still hangs out at the warehouse even though Miyuki isn’t there. He hangs out with Kuramochi a lot. They bicker like they always did. It is as if nothing has changed, except Miyuki isn’t there. And Sawamura no longer has a glow in his eyes.