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Joker’s hand reaches for you-you flail wildly-but another blast rips you from the port and you can feel your boots loose traction as you skid across what’s left of the bridge. The panic doesn’t set in at first-not until Joker’s pod speeds away without you and you’re drifting downward, quickly. Now is the time to act-before you go too far.
You try to suck in a breath, but your helmet is screaming at you that the line is cut-please reattach the line-your hands are frantic, attempting to reach the cord the keeps you alive, you fight the urge to pant wildly. You’re failing. The panic settles in your chest like a dull chill. Each breath is precious. Your eyes are swimming-bright lights filter through the helmet. The display is cracked-you see your ship drifting away, the pods going the opposite direction. Safe. Your crew is safe.
The heat is starting to tug at your suit-you know that isn’t good. Space is cold. So cold. It would only be hot if you were going to land somewhere-your suit isn’t made for that. You’re sure you can’t hold your breath long enough to make it. You’re starting to see things-hear things. Kaidan? Is that Kaidan? Fuck-fuckfuckfuckfuCKFUCKFUCK-
You don’t want to die. Your lungs burn, lips chapped. Suddenly Liara’s face is all you can see-her brow furrowed, a small frown on her face as you told her to leave. Will you ever see her again? Are you leaving her all alone? No-NONONONONO you can’t die-Liara, Ash, Joker, Tali, Garrus--they NEED you-the galaxy needs you-YOU CAN’T DIE FUCK NOT NOW NOT YET
The heat would cause you to scream if you had the air-as it is the blistering pain is only numbness compared to the way your throat and chest burn for air. DyingdyingdyingohgodithurtsDYINGHURTS-----DEAD-
Shepard jolts awake-lungs heaving and the sheet around her stifling. Her skin is dotted in sweat and there is something wrapped around her waist and she panics. She rips herself from her bed-fighting back the low sob growing in her throat. Alive. Alivealivealive. She takes in one, two, three breaths before collapsing to the floor by her bed, on her hands and knees, still shaking. This had been the worse one yet. It had been weeks since the last nightmare-she should have known better getting used to sleeping again.
“Shepard?”
Shepard’s head shoots up and shit-she had forgotten Liara was here. Her first official visit to the new Normandy. Shepard had begged her to the stay night, get a good night’s sleep for once. To enjoy herself. And now Shepard had gone and ruined it.
“Fuck-Liara I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you up.” Shepard’s voice is hoarse, her fingers shake as they curl over the edge of her bed. Steady, she thinks, be steady. She can’t bear to look at Liara, she’s all too aware of how small she must look, how pathetic she must seem curled up on the floor like a child. She listens as Liara shifts on the mattress, and fights the urge to run when her fingers meet Shepard’s. They curl over the whitened knuckles, warm and gentle, her thumb rubbing circles on the inside of her wrist. It is only a few moments before Shepard’s hand creaks open and Liara quietly intertwines their fingers.
“What was it about?” Liara’s voice is even-Shepard can hear the worry, but it’s buried under a resigned sort of acceptance. Shepard becomes aware that Liara must have had similar dreams in the two years they spent apart. The dark circles under her eyes would suggest as much.
“The crash,” Shepard finally admits, “It used to be Akuze-But dying-God…” she sucks in a deep breath, if only to remind herself she can, “I’ve never been so terrified in my life.”
“How long have you been having this dream, Shepard?”
There’s no point in lying to Liara, not when she’s been in her head, “I had it for the first time the first day back on the SR-2. I bugged out so hard that EDI had Chakwas come up to look at me.” A humorless chuckle is shaken from her chest as the memory resurfaces-Shepard pressed to the corner of her quarters, sobbing loudly-her room in total disarray. Confronting her first panic attack since right after Akuze.
“Chakwas gave me pills to help me sleep but…” Shepard’s eyes trail over to her nightstand, where the pills have stayed since that day, “But then I would miss the good dreams. And I-I needed those more than getting rid of the bad ones.”
Of her mother and father reading her stories as she gapes out at the expanse of space. Of graduating from the N7 program. Of Liara’s smile, her eyes, her laughter, the first time they-She couldn’t lose those. Not after losing so much else.
“Oh Shepard,” Liara slips from the bed and Shepard’s eyes are awash with a sea of blue. Blue skin, blue lips, blue freckles, blue eyes. It’s the most beautiful color in the universe. Her free hand comes to Shepard’s cheek, and her thumb trails the line where Shepard’s first scar used to sit-right over the bridge of her left cheekbone. It was erased by Cerberus, but the motion is familiar. It strikes of nights in bed where they just held each other for hours. It steadies her as Liara’s gaze keeps her own.
“I’m so sorry. If I had known…” Liara’s voice is tainted with guilt.
“What could you have done?” Shepard shoots back softly, no bite to her tone, “You were busy. I was busy. I don’t think me admitting to having nightmares in your office would have helped either of us.” Her hand comes up to cover Liara’s, engulfing it.
“You may be correct,” Liara gives Shepard a rueful smile, “No use for tears then. I certainly shed enough when you walked out of my office the first time.” She taps their foreheads together, “I certainly wouldn’t have been able to do anything then, you’re right. I was too swept up-even for you.”
Shepard nudges Liara’s nose with her own, a weak grin on her face, “You came back though, right? That’s all that counts.”
“You came back, Shepard,” Liara’s voice is fraught with emotions, and her hand tightens around Shepard’s, “Goddess I...I almost lost you again from having such tunnel vision.” Her eyes close for a moment, “I let my own nightmares get in the way of remembering you were right there in front of me.”
Shepard remembers the haunted look in Liara’s eyes. Her cheeks, gaunt when she smiled-smiles that never reached her eyes. The tension in her shoulders. The cold cut of her voice. A reminder that Shepard had failed to come back. Shepard leans in the remaining distance, pressing a small kiss to Liara’s lips-sighing against them as she pulls back, “Well, as far as I can see we’re both right here.” She resists the urge to ask about Liara’s nightmares-she’d gotten a look in Liara’s eyes when she’d snapped on their way to the Shadow Broker.
Liara’s low hum vibrates in Shepard’s skull, and her smile is achingly beautiful. “There any way I can convince you to jump the O-4 Relay with me?” she whispers even though she already knows the answer.
“Are you planning on going back on your very new promise, Shepard?” Liara answers, her eyes bright with humor that Shepard hadn’t seen in ages.
“No. I just thought I’d give it another shot. I trust these guys with my life. But you…” Shepard places another small kiss on Liara’s lips, “I know you’d bring me back from anything.” Shepard watches as a flash of pain passes over Liara’s face as she shakes her head.
“I’d tear apart the Milky Way for you, Shepard.” Liara whispers, her voice heavy with the truth of her words. Shepard’s heart flutters in her chest. She surges forward, her lips slanting against Liara’s with reckless abandon. One of her hands grips behind Liara’s crest as Liara’s fingers curl in her hair, pulling her even closer.
As they break apart, Shepard does not let Liara go far, pressing a smattering of kisses across her cheeks and nose. Liara’s giggles warm her heart. She breaths in Liara’s scent-fresh and clean-always so distinct against the clinical air in her cabin. Shepard chuckles, locking eyes with Liara, mirth in her eyes.
“They’d have to blast me to another universe to keep me from coming back to you, Liara.”
“Well then, let’s hope they never send you that far,” Liara’s quiet huff of laughter brushes against Shepard’s cheek, “I love you, Eliza Shepard.”
Shepard’s smile nearly splits her face, “And I love you, Liara T’Soni,” she chuckles a little as she looks around her dark cabin, “I’m sorry again for waking you up, I know you don’t get much sleep on your monster ship.”
“Well, it would seem you don’t sleep that much either, Shepard.” Liara’s thumb swipes under one of Shepard’s eyes, tracing the dark circles underneath it, “And there is nothing to apologize for. Nightmares are not a weakness, we all have them.” She places a small kiss on Shepard’s brow, smiling against her skin, “Let’s just go back to bed. I’ll be right there when you wake up.”
Shepard has to resist coming back with something depressing-knowing that Liara will leave in the morning and the Normandy will fly away towards the breach. Instead she shoves that thought to the back of her mind and allows Liara to take her hands and lead her back into bed.
The sheets are pulled back over them, and Liara settles in the crook of Shepard’s neck, letting out a low sigh of content. Shepard’s arms wrap around her almost the instant she settles, and she pulls her closer.
“Goodnight, Shepard.”
Shepard pecks a light kiss on the top of Liara’s crest, burning the moment in her mind-the feeling of Liara’s arms around her back and waist, her nose pressed in the skin of her neck, the warmth of it all.
“Goodnight Liara.”
When Shepard closes her eyes her dreams are awash in shades of blue.