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I realize that I'm not perfect. Not by any stretch of the imagination. But still, I'm human and that's what matters right? I have feelings, and emotions and needs just like any other woman...but try telling that to him.
There are some people who dream of marrying rich and powerful people, of standing by their side and smiling for cameras and then going home to a lie. People choose to live like that for either the money, or the fame or maybe some weird combination of the two. Personally, I could never see the joy in living for money, of loving for appearances, and yet that's what my marriage has come to.
Maybe I'm not starting off in the right place. After all, the nightmare that has become my life took years to develop, years in which I was blissfully ignorant.
I met him in the second grade, and even then he was dreamy. Dib. The son of the legendary Professor Membrane. I was only a kid, yet when I first laid eyes on him, I knew it was love. He was adorable, with those creamy amber eyes, and smooth jet black pointed hair- it was enough to make you want to fall at his feet, groveling for his attention. Unfortunately for me though, I was terribly shy, and was forced into wearing embarrassing braces to correct my equally embarrassing overbite soon after meeting him. I was hardly attractive enough to look in his direction, let alone start a conversation.
Still, he took pity on me I think...either that or he was looking for a friend in the harsh world of skool. I was poor, awkward Gretchen, someone to pity, but I took what I could get. Pity was more than what he gave most girls.
For a while back in fourth grade, he'd sit near me and babble on about Bigfoot while I stared at him in adoration. We had a connection. We were almost friends. But everything changed in just one lousy year.
I remembered that accursed day as clearly as I remember every one of Dib's features. The day Zim came to skool.
The instant Zim stepped into that room, Dib's eyes were glued to him. They've been there ever since, watching every move Zim makes. They spent years fighting and bickering and whining and making a scene. I remember you had to agree to Zim being an alien just to get Dib to say hello to you. Gone were our one sided conversations at skool, for now Dib had a new hobby: stalking Zim.
And it wasn't just him. No, Dib had a thing for all aliens, like that wretched Tak. Of course I didn't find out she was an alien bent on destroying the Earth until years later when I was looking through some Dib's old journals, but still. It's because of her that Dib didn't immediately see the potential I had. It's entirely her fault. I had finally worked up my courage on Valentine's Day, and spent my entire month's allowance on enough meat to fill a slaughter house, and who should show up, but that wretched Tak. Sure she was Zim's "girlfriend" but she spent hours surrounding herself with Dib, listening to him talk, laughing at his jokes...all the things that I should have been doing. Personally, I had been glad to see her inexplicably disappear the next week and though Dib seemed a little hurt by her absence he soon bounced back...right back to Zim.
Things continued like that for years, namely my unrequited crush continuing to be unrequited while Dib ran off through grade skool, middle skool and hi-skool chasing after that stupid Zim and his idiotic plans. I had long given up on him ever returning my feelings, which was why senior year in hi-skool came as such a surprise.
I had finally gotten my braces off, and thanks to years of dental work, my teeth were acceptably normal. With the absence of the embarrassing dental fixtures, I had gotten slightly more confident in myself and my abilities and was even thinking about universities and moving on away from the old familiar town...away from Dib.
Then it happened.
I was sitting at my desk, opening my English textbook up to the last night's homework when he stopped at my desk and smiled. Oh that smile! It made me want to swoon right where I was sitting; I never had a chance.
He looked in my eyes like those romantic heroes in the movies and gave me the most romantic look the world has ever seen.
"Gretchen? I know we haven't really talked in awhile...years really, but I haven't forgotten about you. And yeah, will you go to Prom with me?"
I thought I had died in my desk and gone to heaven. It didn't matter why he had asked me, or that his sudden interest in me was completely unexplained, I was too busy trying to breathe to question things. I never thought for an instant that he could only be using me for appearances.
Prom was the happiest night of my life. I can still remember the pretty blue dress I wore, and how awful it looked when placed beside Dib and his casual trench coat. Sure I spent most of the night by myself, standing against the wall while he snuck up behind Zim and threw punch on him, but the few moments that he held me in his arms and we danced was paradise. It completely made up for him forgetting me at the skool when he ended up chasing after Zim and completely forgetting to drive me home. He gave me a card the next day to apologize and I forgave him immediately. He was just too sweet to stay mad at.
A month and three dates cancelled at the last minute, Dib did the most amazing thing. He proposed. It wasn't as extravagant a proposal as some women get, or as romantic, but it was from Dib, and that's what mattered.
It happened quite unexpectedly, almost as if he had thought of it as an after thought. We were outside Zim's house, watching and recording the things in Zim's trash. It wasn't what I had expected as we were supposed to go see a movie that day, but Dib had caught something interesting in one of his many Zim cameras and had run off to check on it. I had followed him blindly, desperate to share an interest. It was while I was writing down that Zim's dog, GIR preferred cherry slushees to grape that I caught Dib staring at me.
"You're...helping me," he had exclaimed in awe. "I don't have to do this by myself anymore. You could do this with me. Write things. Record things. Type up my memos for my next conference on my findings."
I had smiled sweetly for I was young and stupid, not realizing that this was one of the many mistakes I would make regarding Dib.
"I'd do anything for you, Dib," I had replied, to which he responded by grabbing my hand sweetly.
"Marry me," he'd pleaded. "Marry me and become my partner against Zim! We could set up our own house with our own defenses and a satellite system...maybe an infrared network...."
"Yes!" I had exclaimed, interrupting his ramblings. "This is the greatest moment of my life! Oh, Dib I love you so mu-"
I had leaned closer to kiss him, but ended up falling flat on my face as he had heard a noise and reassumed his defensive position behind the garbage can. I was eighteen, I was happy, and I had walked myself home that day, covered in garbage. I had told myself that day that Dib was just busy and determined, too busy to walk his own fiancée home. It was an excuse that I'd repeat many times to myself over the next few years.
Then there was the wedding. I had planned the whole thing out myself, since Dib was too busy planning our "base" together, equipped with the finest technology his father could invent. His father also paid for our fancy wedding. I had never even met Membrane until the actual day that I married his son, but every week, a new check arrived in my mailbox, stamped with the professor's signature and a number to call if I needed more money before the next check arrived.
I picked out my own gown, and Dib's tux, and made all the arrangements for flowers and a reception by myself. Dib promised he'd come with me to put his thoughts into things, but each time I always got a hurried cell phone call, explaining that Zim had stolen a nuclear warhead, or tripped an old lady, or left stupid messages on his voicemail again. And each time I forgave him, because he was Dib and he was going to be my husband. Marriage would change him, it would settle him down and put Zim out of his mind. Once we had our own place and maybe a kid or two, Zim would finally be a thing of the past...or so I hoped.
The day of our wedding was beautiful. The sun was shining like it did in the movies, all the flowers were perfectly aligned, and every inch of the church had been decorated the way I had wanted it to be. The music played in key and in perfect timing, and I walked down the aisle with my father...to see an empty altar. The entire wedding was placed on hold as we frantically searched for the missing groom, and finally after almost half an hour of me sobbing, fearing that Dib had left me at the altar, my husband burst through the doorway of the church, his beautiful tux torn and tattered, and his hair smelling of charcoal.
"Sorry I'm late," he'd apologized weakly, walking up to his place at the altar. "I was on my way and Zim threw a rock at my head, and well one thing lead to another and, well, the world is safe once more!"
My parents and most of the wedding party looked at him like he was the lowest form of scum imaginable, but I saw only my intense love for Dib. And while most other women would have turned their backs on him, I married Dib. I walked out of that church as his wife, and without realizing it, walked into world of issues I never expected to find.
Firstly, there was his sister. Even though I'd send her several invitations to our wedding, she'd returned all of them, with the word No written in red across each one. You'd think I would have got the hint, but I was still hurt when she didn't show up to the wedding. I tried befriending my sister in law as any new wife would, but each time I tried, she'd just drown me out with a video game. I suppose that was her way of politely demanding that I cease my efforts to get to know her.
My father in law wasn't much help either. I'd often call him, looking for Dib at late hours or to ask his advice on how to fix the appliance I'd asked Dib to fix that he hadn't. Each time, I got the distinct feeling that he had no clue as to who he was talking to, despite the fact that I was married to his son. For that matter, I doubted that he'd even be able to recognize his son on the street so at least I wasn't alone in my neglect. All of our conversations ended in a reference to either toast or the glory of Real Science! anyway. I was convinced that I had married into the most dysfunctional family on the Earth.
But while it was dysfunctional, it had its moments of greatness. There was no denying the pride I felt when standing beside Dib as his father revealed his newest invention to save the world, or the surge of joy that ran through me when I read an article on the supernatural that Dib had gotten published. To any outsider, I had the perfect life: I was married to a gorgeous man who had a rich parent and a successful job, and I lived in a house on the cutting edge of technology. Still...my life felt empty.
I took this emptiness to mean that I wanted children and even went as far to suggest it to Dib. All I got was a nod in return as Dib scheduled my request into his hand held time table.
"Hmmm...well if everything stays quiet in March, and I can expose Zim's latest colony of killer ants before they DESTROY humanity!....then we could try for a baby...how about Tuesday next May? I'm booked solid for the rest of the week with interviews...and Monday's our annual visit with my father. Does that sound okay?"
I nodded glumly, thinking about just how similar Dib was to his father. He only saw his dad once a year, and it seemed like that was how often I saw Dib back then. If ever I needed him, I had to be scheduled in, along with work and any random person who wanted to see my husband. I was nobody in Dib's eyes; I just hadn't realized it yet.
The final straw came at long last the sunny, peaceful day of our annual dinner with his father. It had been a gorgeous day, one that Dib had spent bickering with his father over the several aspects of paranormal studies that made it a legitimate field of study. His father hadn't been persuaded, as I hadn't each and every time I heard it before bed. Dib was redundant, simply repeating the things he believed over until I acknowledged him. I wasn't his wife; I was just someone that would back up his ranting. I was a step up from being his personal assistant and yet all those long years that I adored him, I never once considered the possibility that Dib didn't return my feelings, at least not in the way husbands were supposed to.
If he hadn't been groggy from drinking the wine his father had provided us with at dinner, would I have ever guessed the truth? I'd like to think so, but I'm not so sure. I can be a little dim-witted at times, and slow to catch on, and my devotion to Dib had spanned a great many years. I had driven us home while he sat in the passenger seat next to me, scribbling madly in his day planner about upcoming television appearances and making small talk. I figured since I was actually alone with my husband for once, that this would be the perfect time to bring up the subject of our upcoming (and carefully scheduled) plans for a child. It seemed innocent enough.
"Dib? Honey? What do you think is a good baby name? Personally I'd like a boy. Does Jonathan sound okay to you?"
Dib never once looked up from his intense scribbling, instead training his eyes boredly on what he was writing.
"Whatever, Zim, I'm kind of busy at the moment."
Taking my eyes off the road for a dangerous amount of time, I stared at my husband in a silent awe. What had he just called me?
"Dib, I-"
Dib only scribbled harder into his day planner, a look of irritation on his face.
"I told you already! I need to concentrate! If I accidentally double book myself this week, I won't be able to talk my way out of it like last time, Zim. You remember."
"No," I whispered, though I'm sure Dib had stopped listening, "I don't remember. Somehow I think you forgot to tell me."
I wanted to step on the brakes, send the tires squealing and cause a car accident that would stretch for miles at his words...but I didn't. Instead, I frowned as the tears brimmed in my eyes, blocking my view of the road with wet, sticky lashes, and kept on driving until we were home. If Dib noticed his mistake, or my emotions, he didn't show it. I guess even his heart was alien now, given over to the Irken Empire to do with what they pleased, even at the cost of our marriage. Our sham marriage.
We arrived home that evening and I immediately flew up to our bedroom, sniffling as the emotions that tore through my soul broke through the walls I had tried to erect around them. Dib sat down on his laptop in his office and once again was oblivious to my suffering. I locked the door to our bedroom, not that my husband made any attempt to enter the room. Dib slept on the couch that night. And the next night. And the night after that. In fact he slept there every night until the memory of him even sleeping in the same room as me were all just a distant blur.
I'm not even sure that he slept on those nights, as I occasionally heard the sounds of Tak's old ship starting up in the garage as the unmistakable sounds of a Voot Cruiser hummed outside.
He left me at night for Zim, just like he did in the day. I was at home weeping into my pillow while he was out gallivanting with Zim, the one who really had his heart. Zim had been the one Dib had really spent prom with, and the one he had spent the better part of our wedding day chasing around, so why was it such a surprise to me that Dib still chose Zim now, even as an adult? He was married to me, but he was in love with Zim.
I write this now on one of the many nights of solitude that I've become accustomed to. Dib is gone, he has been all day, supposedly on some hunt for a legendary demon that appears once every hundred years. When he gets back, it'll be Zim he rushes to see, and Zim who he confides the details of his day, not the wife who stays at home waiting for him each night.
I wonder who will read this letter once I'm gone. Certainly not Gaz, who could care less about anyone in her family; Membrane probably won't even remember where he knows me from when Dib tells him. If Dib tells him. If Dib notices I'm gone.
I'm leaving tonight. Leaving Dib and his stupid alien forever. I'll run into the waiting arms of all the people who frowned at our wedding, who predicted the end of our marriage before it even began. Because they were right.
And if by some miracle you read this before you crumple it up and pretend it doesn't exist, Dib, then know that I'm not sorry. I just wish that I had the courage to do this sooner.