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II ; well, you could wash my brain
It’s not an uncommon event for the trainees to go out without permission to grab snacks late at night. They usually elect two at a time to go and complete the mission, and Baekhyun feels extra giddy when he and Yixing are the ones chosen to go.
It’s cold out, just around November, and frost is just now starting to decorate the grass. It seems like snow is coming. It’s the time of year that Baekhyun likes the most, where he and his trainee friends can huddle around in a corner. There’s something about the warm clothing that contrasts the pitch-black night, but Baekhyun can’t put his finger on it at the moment. He settles his face into the scarf that Yixing so tenderly wrapped around his neck before they left. Their hands bump against each other as they walk, and Baekhyun even makes the move to hold onto Yixing’s fingers with his knuckles for just a second more before he lets go. Yixing takes his hand as a response, unexpected yet comforting.
The usual auntie greets them when they step inside, and Yixing is already onto the list, muttering under his breath in Chinese. Coke for Sehun, chips for Junmyeon, gummies for Chanyeol… they’ve done this so often that it’s almost impossible to forget what everyone wants to get. Baekhyun trails alongside him, their hands still together and fingers interlaced, but he holds onto whatever Yixing passes him with his life.
In just a few minutes, the couple resume their comfortable silence on the walk back to the dorms, no longer surrounded by the buzz of the lights in the store. Baekhyun can see Yixing’s breath as they walk hand in hand, plastic bags filed to the brim in their other hands. They walk in a comfortable silence, feet crunching softly against the grass.
“Baek?”
Yixing’s voice is unexpected, and Baekhyun jumps a little when he hears it. “Xing,” he answers, walking just a bit closer.
“Isn’t this nice?” Yixing sighs. “It’s nice being outside like this. With you, especially.”
“Yeah,” Baekhyun agrees, blushing slightly at the older’s words. “We won’t have much of a chance to do things like this when we’re actual idols.”
Yixing doesn’t reply, most likely lost in thought, but Baekhyun doesn’t mind. He instead looks up, observing the moon. It’s full today, some loving sign of staying together and exploring possibilities. Yixing is really into the moon and stars, which is why Baekhyun got into it too.
“Full moon,” he says, noting it.
Yixing looks up as well, nodding. “Sweet. It’s for good reason. Opportunity.”
“Ambition?”
“I’d say.”
They pause for a brief moment, just the two of them standing in the night. Baekhyun keeps his head tilted up, and it’s only when Yixing lets go of his hand that he notices his scarf has been slipping off.
“Careful,” Yixing says, only slightly scolding Baekhyun with his tone. “You’ll get a cold.”
“What about you?” Baekhyun gestures to Yixing, who only has a windbreaker on. It’s something, of course, but not the best choice for the weather. “You should put on the scarf. It’s yours anyways.”
“You look cuter in it,” Yixing argues, and it ends the discussion there. Not for lack of effort, but Baekhyun is blushing too much to say anything before they get to the dorms.
Speaking of which, Kyungsoo complains of having stone-cold ramen that will be impossible to thaw and Minseok only glares at the bags, but Baekhyun is too happy about his brief late-night date with Yixing to care.
Across the room, Yixing shoots him a knowing look, enough to let the younger drown out anyone else.
IV ; you can tear up my heart
“I don’t get it.” Baekhyun blinks back tears, looking down at Yixing’s hand. The one that he used to hold. “I thought we… I thought you love me.”
“I did,” Yixing says, voice slightly strained, and the lack of the word “do” instead makes Baekhyun want to cry. “I just don’t think we’re going anywhere. You and I want very different things, and–”
Baekhyun honestly stops listening. He doesn't hear it, doesn’t want to hear it, refuses to believe that Yixing can just let go of him so easily. It’s like they were never together in his eyes.
Baekhyun’s eyes well up with tears all of a sudden, Yixing’s face becoming a blur in front of him. The noise around stops, and it seems as though Yixing has stopped talking. A hand reaches for Baekhyun’s arm, but he shys away from it, crossing his arms over his chest protectively.
“Baekhyun,” he makes out from the noise in his head, but he can’t respond. He hears himself talking, but it doesn’t feel like anything.
“Yixing,” a voice– his voice– says, speaking straight from the heart and not the head. “I can’t– I don’t–”
Baekhyun doesn’t finish his sentence, running off to his room and closing the door firmly behind him. He locks it as well, collapsing onto his bed in tears. He hopes that Jongin and Jongdae don’t feel like coming in any time soon.
He cries for what feels like hours. He spends even more time sifting through the many, many photos that he has with Yixing, moving them into a hidden folder and leaving it at that.
Yixing doesn’t knock. He doesn’t check in hours later, he doesn’t even give Baekhyun a spare glance at dinner, nothing. It’s clear that the other trainee’s suspect that something’s wrong, but they don’t ask. Maybe Baekhyun’s thankful that he doesn’t have to break down over this again. Maybe Baekhyun’s disappointed that nobody cares.
Most of all, Baekhyun’s disappointed that Yixing couldn’t even pull him aside to mention that he would be leaving SM.
It’s shocking, walking into the dorm after contract renewals to see bags packed and ready to leave. When Yixing said that he and Baekhyun want completely different things, is this what he was talking about?
Each of the trainees bid Yixing farewell. When it comes to Baekhyun's turn, he presses his lips together and doesn’t try to say much, unable to do so without crying.
“Goodbye,” he forces out, voice cracking halfway through the word. He hugs Yixing, not meaning for it to last long, but he collapses into the older’s arms. He imagines that he can melt into Yixing, not going to be away from him ever, and imagine none of this ever happened anyways.
“Bye, Baek.” Yixing whispers the words into the top of Baekhyun’s head, a hand softly combing through his hair. Baekhyun grips onto Yixing’s shirt as the tears start flowing down his cheeks, the ones that he was too scared to cry in front of Yixing before. Yixing’s shirt dampens underneath his face.
“I don’t get it,” he whispers under his breath. “I really don’t.”
Yixing doesn’t respond. Ever. As he walks out the door, Baekhyun catches a glimpse of the moon outside– third quarter: finishing up old business.
VI ; but i would never forget you (ever)
Baekhyun’s debut goes exactly as SM plans it to. He promotes his title, “UN Village”, on countless music shows, even getting offered an MC job alongside BX of CIX. His extra claim to fame is “Betcha”, one of the B-sides on the EP, which he promotes on music shows and participates in dance challenges with. All in all, it seems like nothing can go wrong for him, and his debut plans look nowhere near falling through.
Which they don’t. Baekhyun, however, collapses easily. He doesn’t cope with change. He’s taken aback by quick schedule changes, and this becomes apparent when he walks into a music show lobby and nearly runs into Lay. It’s enough to make him cry.
“Sorry,” Baekhyun mutters quickly, needing to turn around right away and leave. He steps to the side to pass Lay, keeping his head down to go unnoticed, but it doesn’t work.
“Baekhyun.” Lay steps in front of him, surprised and smiling. “I didn’t even know you debuted!”
“You never tried to keep in touch,” Baekhyun notes.
Lay’s smile falters a bit. Baekhyun takes it as a chance to move, but Lay moves to stop him. “Will you film a dance challenge with me?”
“That sounds like an awesome idea.” Baekhyun’s manager appears out of nowhere, answering for him.
Lay starts off by teaching Baekhyun the choreography to “Honey”, which is an unnecessary effort, but Baekhyun won’t admit to already knowing the choreography from simply watching a few stages. He paints a smile on his face for the sake of the video, accepting multiple fistbumps from Lay with each of their takes.
Lay picks up “Betcha” quickly, thank goodness, meaning that Baekhyun has to spend less time with him than he anticipated. They get it over with in a strong three takes, leaving Lay humming the song by the end of it all.
“It’s really catchy,” he supplies when Baekhyun looks at him. Baekhyun doesn’t know how his face must look, but he hopes it’s natural enough.
“It’s not even the title track,” Baekhyun mutters under his breath. He wants to stop talking to Lay. He doesn’t want to see him anymore. He’s not his Yixing anymore.
“Really?” Lay replies. “I’ll have to give your album a listen, then.”
No you shouldn’t, Baekhyun really wants to say. You don’t deserve it. But not only is Lay a new person, he’s his own person, and whatever Baekhyun thinks and feels about events from months ago have no effect on Lay’s judgement. “If you want to,” is what Baekhyun says instead of anything he thinks of. He might as well play it up to Lay. Not like he could distinguish his feelings anyways.
Lay leaves with a fish bump that Baekhyun returns halfheartedly, already too tired to even do his stage. He does power through though, leaving the recording building at an ungodly hour of the night.
Baekhyun looks up at the moon, a habit that will die hard. It’s in waning gibbous, a phase for adventures and sharing those ventures. An aspect that Baekhyun did end up doing, but with Lay.
He doesn’t want to see Yixing again.
V ; you could change my name
Baekhyun hates to admit it, but he watches Yixing’s– Lay’s– music video. He waits until Jongdae and Jongin fall asleep before he does, showing in an earbud and watching underneath his bedsheets. He watches the debut stage too, and the next one, and the next.
Baekhyun feels jealous, undeniably so, wondering if Yixing is actually more eager and focused than he is. He wonders how much Yixing has changed in the past three months since he left SM.
Slowly, despite Baekhyun’s best wishes and attempts, Yixing starts taking up way more of his life than he did before he left. On his way home from practice, he watches the stages in the car. He leaves the interviews for the night, after he’s done his dinner, almost as if he’s rewarding himself for making it through the day but letting himself listen to Yixing’s voice.
Lay’s voice.
Jongdae walks into the room during one of these interviews, eyebrows furrowing. “You’re being weird.”
“No I’m not,” Baekhyun lies, but his lies have been getting worse and worse each day since Yixing’s been gone. And it’s like Jongdae can read his mind, because he blinks and finds that his phone is no longer in his hand.
“You’re watching Yixing’s interview,” Jongdae observes, frowning. “What happened with you two?”
“Nothing,” Baekhyun replies, all too quickly, easily giving away his lie.
“Baekhyun.” Jongdae sits down next to him. “What happened?”
Baekhyun looks away from Jongdae. “We were dating,” he admits, words that he has never said to anyone else. “We were dating,” he repeats, solidifying the words through his quickly forming tears. “A-And then he broke up with me, and he said that everything was–”
“Do you still love him?”
Baekhyun deflects. He’s opened up enough. “He said we didn’t have–”
He’s stopped. “Baekhyun. Do you still love him?”
Baekhyun doesn’t even think about it. “Yes,” he confesses. “I love him so much and I miss him twice as much as you probably do, and now I’m sitting here watching his videos because I refuse to accept that he’s gone for good.”
Baekhyun can’t even see Jongdae when he looks up, eyes covered by tears. He feels Jongdae pull him in, bringing his forehead to rest on his shoulder, and that’s all it takes before Baekhyun starts bawling.
“He thought we were too different,” he mumbles, sniffles and gasps interrupting throughout the sentence. “I just… thought we could fix it. I thought we could save it.”
The fabric of Jongdae’s shirt dampens underneath Baekhyun’s face, but he doesn’t say anything about it. Baekhyun’s thankful that he has a shoulder to cry on, but even then, Jongdae will never understand how betrayed Baekhyun feels. Yixing hasn’t even tried to keep in touch with any of the trainees. He’s happy for the older, of course, but he can’t help the hurt in his chest.
When Baekhyun looks out of the window after a good cry on Jongdae’s shoulder, he finds it’s in waxing gibbous. Learning to be flexible and keep up with changes. Yixing debuting is certainly a change, and Baekhyun will just have to learn to cope.
He wonders, just briefly, if Yixing is out there looking at the moon as well.
I ; i could make a new start
Baekhyun is many things. An ambitionist, a hopeless romantic, a dreamer. And emphasize the second one as you must, because when he isn’t practicing, all he does is sit in his dorm and think about how amazing his life would be if he and Yixing could start dating.
Zhang Yixing is another one of the trainees with him at SM, exactly the type of man that Baekhyun reads about in his mangas and webtoons. The type of guy that Baekhyun can imagine staying up late to text with, kicking his feet under his sheets at cheesy messages before falling asleep with him on a call. Yixing is headstrong, a true leader, but a huge softy at heart. It’s an inside joke between the nine of them– Baekhyun’s closest circle of friends that train with him– that Yixing has a soft spot for Baekhyun, if the hair ruffles and sweet talk are anything to go off of. Yixing is very much so one of those “hyung will do it for you” people, and Baekhyun doesn’t mind if the acts of service make them both happy.
“Baekkie?”
Baekkie. While everyone calls Baekhyun Baek, only Yixing calls him Baekkie. Baekhyun cranes his neck from where he lies flat on his back on his bed, seeing Yixing leaning against the doorframe with a bowl in his hands. “Hm?”
“What are you thinking about?” Yixing takes Baekhyun’s answer as an invitation to walk inside, which Baekhyun doesn’t oppose. “I know the bottom of Jongin’s bunk isn’t that appealing.”
“You” is what a suave, unrealistic version of Baekhyun would say, but he sits up as Yixing sits at the edge of the bed. “Nothing,” he starts. “Everything. Anything.”
Yixing nods, completely understanding. It’s grown apparent that the bowl in his hands is a bowl of ramyeon, and he sets it down on the bedside table. “You usually crave ramyeon around this time,” he explains. “Hyung went and made it for you.”
Baekhyun smiles, taking the chopsticks from Yixing as well. “Thank you, hyung. I’ll eat well,” he says softly, digging into the store-bought ramyeon. It tastes like home.
Yixing smiles, pleased as long as Baekhyun is.
Baekhyun looks up as he eats, frowning slightly at the open curtains. He doesn’t like it when the night seeps into the room. Yixing follows his gaze, standing up.
“Look, Baekhyun.” He points out at the moon. “The moon is in waxing crescent.”
Baekhyun giggles. “Since when were you an astronomy nerd?”
“This is astrology, actually.”
Baekhyun places down the bowl and stands up. In the back of his mind, his K-Drama infused brain thinks of the classic the moon is beautiful line, and he wonders if Yixing will pick up the hint if he uses it. “What does waxing crescent mean?”
“Planting seeds for new beginnings.” Yixing looks at Baekhyun. “Isn’t the moon beautiful?”
Though he can feel the eyes on him, Baehyun still turns his head to Yixing. He’s picked up on the references that Baekhyun throws his way. “Are you really talking about the moon or something else?”
“What do you want it to be?”
Baekhyun presses his lips together. Yixing stands, his expression patient. He’s waiting. Still, Baekhyun doesn’t think he can move at all without freezing up halfway. “Why don’t you tell me, hyung?”
Yixing takes the step needed to close the distance between them, cupping Baekhyun’s cheek and kissing him.
Baekhyun floats up to cloud 9. Exactly as he’s imagined it, countless times, this is how it unfolds. He doesn’t even need to guess the following conversation after this, because it’s quite apparent. This is his happy ending.
Well, beginning. Cheers to the moon.
VII ; and it’s kill, kill, killing me
When Baekhyun lands his first job as an MC, he doesn’t think the first person he’ll be interviewing will be Lay.
He can only stare at the older as he walks towards him for the interview segment. He’s dressed in white and silver, expected for his comeback, Honey. Baekhyun has listened to it countless times, as he always does with Lay’s music, a box of tissues next to him on the first listen as he tried not to cry.
“Baekhyun.”
Baekhyun doesn’t expect Lay to actually speak to him, so he’s actively surprised when Lay speaks to him. “Oh, hi. Congrats on… your comeback.”
“Congrats on your MC position.” Lay smiles. “I always knew you could do it, Baekkie.”
The nickname does a whole lot. The image of Lay that Baekhyun has been building up in his head for the past three years crumbles in front of him, and it’s suddenly just the two of them again, Baekhyun and Lay– no, Yixing. His Yixing.
Still, the words leave a bitter feelsweet. Didn’t Yixing think he wasn’t serious about being an idol? Yixing thought they wanted completely different things, but here they are, standing in the same room.
“Oh!” BX, Baekhyun’s co-host, looks between the two of them before Baekhyun can say anything back. “Do you know Lay-sunbaenim?”
“Yeah,” Baekhyun says, feeling like he needs to reach for some water. “We used to, uh, train together.”
“That’s awesome.” BX looks away when they get the 30-second warning, and he and Baekhyun arrange themselves on their side of Lay.
“I went farther than you thought I would, didn’t I?”
Lay doesn’t say anything, leaving the conversation there. They start filming, and BX and Baekhyun each ask their questions in turn before the interview is over, all too quickly. Baekhyun doesn’t know if he can actually face Lay after what he’s said, but he gets ushered out quickly and onto his actual stage. Baekhyun sighs in relief, but quietly, as BX seems to be absolutely ecstatic to have met Lay.
“I can’t believe you never mentioned this,” BX sighs, still dazed. “Next thing I know, you’re going to tell me you’re best friends with Chen-sunbaenim.”
Baekhyun blinks. “I also trained with him, unsurprisingly.”
“You're kidding.”
“I wish I was,” Baekhyun replies, but he isn’t talking about Chen.
By some miracle, Baekhyun manages to avoid Lay for the rest of his time at MNet, which is unsurprisingly long. He escapes the building successfully, looking up towards the sky. The moon is out today. It’s out every night, of course, but Baekhyun finds himself drawn to it after seeing Lay today. First quarter: new developments and ideas.
If there’s anything he doesn’t want to develop, especially not again, it’s talking to Lay. When he gets home, Baekhyun damn near tucks himself into bed, but he instead rolls over and queues up all of Lay’s music videos on his laptop. He knows this isn’t a good idea– and it never has been, but he still falls back on looking at what success Lay was able to achieve without even thinking about him. Did Lay even care? He clearly remembered Baekhyun and a few of those exchanges they had, but actually caring?
New developments needed to be made, but Baekhyun dozing off in front of his laptop is only proof that old habits die hard.
III ; it’s kill-kill, kill-kill, killing me
Dating Yixing is like floating in a bubble.
Not a cloud, not a star, a bubble. At first, when everything is developed, it seems perfect. You’re soaring higher than you ever thought that you could, and everywhere you turn, there’s a new colour to look at, something new to admire. It never gets old, and it never feels anything else than perfect. However, there’s always this little bit of knowledge in the back of your mind that constantly tells you at any second, you will pop.
That second is coming soon, Baekhyun can tell. He hopes it’s not what he thinks, like when the bubble wavers slightly, but it’s creeping up on him relentlessly.
The past three months have been colourful bliss. Stargazing, late night snack runs, secret kisses hiding in the dance studios, little notes to cheer each other on before vocal lessons. Baekhyun stares at his loving messages to Yixing, noting their slightly stoic responses. He has the slightest bit of doubt lingering in his chest, if the magic is dying, if the honeymoon phase is a real thing.
The door to his room opens, much like on the night they started dating, and Baekhyun looks at the bowl of ramyeon in Yixing’s hands. Maybe he still does care.
“Baek.” Yixing places the bowl on Baekhyun’s beside table, noting the sour expression on his face. “What’s wrong?”
He takes a seat next to Baekhyun, their thighs touching. Baekhyun can’t help but take Yixing’s hand into his, keeping the warmth close. He doesn’t want to let go, not ever, and he doesn’t want to say anything more.
Yixing wants him to, though. “Baekhyun,” he says, using his full name carefully. “Baekhyun, what’s wrong? You can tell me, remember?”
Baekhyun does remember. The only thing is that the centre of his insecurities comes from Yixing and his behaviour. Based on how he’s acting now, it’s clear that he’s just being paranoid. Yixing could never stop loving him.
“What if this doesn’t work out?” He chooses to ask, the vague wording disguising his true intentions behind the question.
“Everything will work out in the end, Baekkie.” Yixing replies. “You have nothing to be worried about. You’re amazing, you know?”
“Am I?” Baekhyun asks immediately. His doubt has slowly been taking over everything– his training, his social life, and now his romantic life. If he truly has nothing to worry about, then why do his worries always return?
“Yes, Baekhyun.” And Yixing finally pulls him into a hug, that last bit of care that he’s needed before he sleeps, and Baekhyun relaxes into it with a peaceful mind. As long as Yixing still says that he’s loveable, he is exactly that. Without it, he’s nothing.
“Look.” Yixing points towards the window, and Baekhyun gravitates towards it naturally. They haven’t done this in so long, Yixing always feigning being too busy when they have the same schedule. “Waning crescent. A period for reflections.”
Baekhyun hums. Maybe he needs to reflect on what he thinks about himself. Maybe he needs to reflect on his relationship with Yixing. “Are you reflecting on anything?”
Yixing doesn’t say anything for a few moments. Usually he never misses a beat in conversation, always featuring the perfect response. That’s why it comes as such a surprise when Yixing mutters an uncertain, “I don’t know.”
Baekhyun glances at him. What does Yixing have to think about?
VIII ; that i’m still in love with you
Baekhyun promotes “Bambi” the same as he does with UN Village, Lay’s previous comeback in the back of his mind. “Joker”, as it’s called. At least it’s too late for Baekhyun to catch him backstage anymore.
At least, that’s what he thinks.
“Baekhyun!”
The voice is enough to make Baekhyun flinch, jumping when he sees Lay behind him. “Oh,” he says, dejected. “What are you doing here?”
“Special stage.”
Baekhyun knew that. He follows Lay on his burner account. He read the announcement of his special schedule and didn’t even think of the correlation or overlap between that and his own promotional stage. “Oh.”
Lay smiles, but it feels distant. It feels like he’s about to ask Baekhyun what’s wrong, and he’s right about that one. “What’s wrong? You haven’t been your usual self, at least not when I’ve seen you.”
He hasn’t been, that’s for certain. Baekhyun starts evaluating what his next words will be, but the way that Lay looks at him reveals that he’s definitely said something already.
“Wh…” It’s the first time that Baekhyun has seen Lay properly speechless. “Why? You know you can tell me anything, right?”
“I could,” Baekhyun corrects. He’s put himself out there, and there's no going back now. “I’m not so sure about that now. You’re not the same. You don’t love me the same.”
A cycle of emotions occurs on Lay’s face. “Wait, is this about… I thought we ended things on good terms, Baekhyun.”
“You thought.” Baekhyun is fighting tears at this point. “I thought that you wouldn’t stop loving me. I thought that I wouldn’t be hung up on this two years later, because we wouldn’t be broken up.”
“Baekhyun,” Lay tries to reason. “Things change. People change.”
“And you have.”
“And you clearly haven’t.”
It hits Baekhyun right where it needs to, right where it hurts. Lay is, undeniably, correct. People are supposed to live dynamic lives– changing with difficult events, reevaluating past decisions, growing from past mistakes. And all that Baekhyun has done is stand still while all of his friends, trainees, and even his ex have moved on. He’s the one watching his ex’s music videos in an attempt to make him feel better about himself.
Baekhyun freezes up. The longer it takes to react, the more Lay’s face changes to a look of pity. “Baekhyun–”
“You’re right.” Baekhyun might be crying– he doesn’t know yet. He feels numb. “You’re so right.”
Baekhyun walks out. He leaves the exact same way that he did when he and Lay– Yixing– broke up. It’s only further proof that the words that Lay has said are true.
He runs out into the night, knowing that he still has around an hour before his own stage. The moon and stars are out surprisingly early for spring, and Baekhyun stands blinking back his tears. They still fall down his face, blurring his vision.
Baekhyun looks up at the sky. A new moon. New beginnings.
He laughs to himself. Curse the moon.