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Sirius eats when he’s frustrated. He's always been this way. When he was a kid, he could run and play and his parents never bothered to stop him. Ever since Hogwarts though, he started putting on weight. He was sat in class for countless hours. The most exercise he got was walking up and down the staircases since he didn't care for flying and there was no other sport at the school.
At the start, being chubby didn't bother him. He looked just like his dad when Orion was a kid, and it stood to reason that Sirius would look like him as an adult, as well-- and while he has many issues with his father, looking like him isn't one of them.
But Hogwarts is different. People's gazes don't interact with him the way they do others. He learns to be self-conscious, and there's no escape-- not with everything else going on in his life. It doesn't help that he doesn't have any friends. The only person in Slytherin that he can stand is his own brother (and Regulus has the same problem as him that manifests in the opposite way: refusing to eat).
He likes people in other Houses, but he doesn't know how to make any of them friends. He doesn't know if any of them would even be interested in it as a possibility, what with him being in Slytherin and a Black, to boot. With the world the way it is right now, well, he can understand why they'd keep him at a distance even if he managed to give it a try. And he doesn't really have anything in common with most other students, does he? The number of fat students at Hogwarts can be counted on one hand.
He's... disgusting. His parents can say all day long that he doesn't need to concern himself with how others think of his body, but considering their other views, he doesn't believe it. When he manages to have a sense of humour about it-- something that is happening less frequently-- he jokes that between him and Regulus, they do manage to eat enough for two people; Sirius eats enough for one and three quarters, and Regulus eats enough for one quarter. It's enough to get a smile from his brother, weak and too pale though he is.
Sirius wears layers, keeps his eyes to himself, and... okay, he mostly keeps his eyes to himself. One student caught his attention back in first year, and he’s being pining from afar ever since.
James Potter. Gryffindor. Quidditch Captain. Head Boy. Confident, fit, popular.
They're in the same year. They take the same electives, so they share a fair bit of lessons. The occasional partnered assignment during class has pushed them together.
So it's not like James has no idea who he is. It's more like he doesn't care. And why would he? He's everything Sirius isn't. Back in fifth year, Sirius had thought there was something there, but it hadn't taken long for reality to slap his hopes down. James got detention for snogging McCool in the corridor two days after Sirius thought he had a chance.
James was-- and is-- perfect.
Across the Great Hall, James laughs, loud and bright. He looks so bloody happy all the time, Sirius has no idea how he does it.
James is off the wall gorgeous. Simply calling him 'attractive' doesn't feel like enough, for the way his image haunts Sirius's every step. He dreams about him more often than not, and it's never a disappointment. No one should be that handsome. His smile looks like it stole a piece of the sun, how ridiculous is that? It's absurd.
And it's not just his face and his smile and his sodding laugh that does Sirius in. No, his body had to be fucking perfect too. He plans to play Quidditch professionally-- it's no secret-- so he exercises more than anyone else on his team does. He puts in so much work and the results are obvious. Robes are good for hiding the finer details, but an accident in Herbology made his chest bare for a few glorious minutes that Sirius would never forget.
Sirius sighs, taking a few more bites of his mashed potatoes. Excellent dish, that. Regulus isn't eating it-- too heavy, probably. Sirius grabs another roll for himself and tosses one on Regulus's plate while he's at it-- bread is 'easier', he once said.
Regulus gingerly picks up the roll and takes a small bite. He chews for a long time, but he manages to swallow it. "What's got you in a mood?"
He shrugs, unwilling to disclose the details. He's pretty sure that Regulus knows he has a crush on someone, but Sirius doesn't want him to know the details, and even if he was willing to tell, he isn't going to do it during a meal, with plenty of people around to overhear.
Regulus takes another bite of the roll, larger than this time. "Tomorrow's Valentine's Day, maybe that'll perk you up."
"Why should it? I'm not dating anyone; I'm sure you've noticed." His heart gnaws against his chest and he switches to the roast that has-- until now-- been neglected on his plate.
"Someone sends you a box of chocolates each year," Regulus says. His voice picks up at the end; he's trying to cheer him up despite his own questionable mood.
"Yeah." His chest doesn't hurt as much. "I guess there's that to look forward to. Assuming they bother to send one this year."
"I'm sure they will," Regulus says, but he isn't.
Sirius isn't sure it'll happen either, despite trends that point the opposite. This 'secret admirer' has sent him a box of chocolates each Valentine's Day since first year. It would feel rather strange if they didn't tomorrow. Whoever it is also sent him a sodding present for his birthday the last three years. He only knows that it's the same person because each gift tag reads 'I hope you like it'. Sirius has a collection of 'I hope you like it' cards tucked among his belongings, a reminder he needs that someone out there likes him even though they don't have to. He's going to miss it when he graduates Hogwarts.
His eyes wander back to James at the Gryffindor table, an easy smile on his face as he talks to his friends and the gaggle of admirers that follow him.
Valentine's Day dawns, and Sirius is munching on plain toast and pumpkin juice, not feeling overly hungry, for once. He wonders if he can keep this up. Even if it's just breakfast, surely that will have some sort of impact on how his body looks? A nice, light meal to start the day and keep him energized instead of feeling bogged down the way he usually does in the morning.
Regulus doesn't show up to breakfast before the post arrives for the day.
An owl carrying a large, rectangular box approaches Sirius, swooping down to leave the package and flying away again without so much as waiting for a treat-- standard fare for this delivery.
The package is wrapped in simple brown paper, but it's tied together with a silky black ribbon to hold the note in place.
I hope you like it, your secret admirer
Sirius unties it and carefully sets the note aside. The ribbon is magically tethered to the package to keep it safe, so he cuts through it with a simple spell and rips at the paper. Part of the box is revealed through the hole, and mmm, it's Honeydukes, as usual. Why this person insists on buying the biggest box available, Sirius has no idea, but he's appreciative.
He works on getting the rest of the wrapping paper off so he can Vanish the lot of it, and something white flutters down. Sirius grabs it, curious about what it is and why it's in his present when there never has been in the past, and reads it.
Then he freezes, a cold chill working down his spine.
It's a receipt for the chocolates, signed by one James Potter. The paper crumples in his hand as a humiliated flush rises in his cheeks. James likes his pranks, and he's no stranger to cruelty, but that cruelty had always been contained to the mini-Death Eaters in Slytherin while everyone else handled the harmless ones that came to the Gryffindor's mind.
Sirius shrinks the box and shoves it-- and the crumpled receipt-- into his bag.
Maybe a bigger breakfast would do him some good. He eats until he's full, then just a little bit more so he has something to make him feel better when he confronts James about this. Regulus comes up to breakfast with dark circles under his eyes and chokes down some eggs before they're off for class.
His first class of the day is History of Magic. Dull rubbish, and they share it with Gryffindor-- something that usually enhances his mood, but not today. He listens to Binns lecture, arms crossed over his chest as he leans back in the chair, and ignores the occasional glance James sends his way. Normally, James doesn't look at him-- Sirius is all-too aware of this because he spends so much time looking. Of course, Sirius is usually in a good mood on Valentine's Day, despite him being single; the gift from his secret admirer never failed to make him happy. It makes sense that James is confused by the change today.
He sits there, miserable, and wants to eat all the chocolates because he deserves them for putting up with such abuse, damn it. They are a gift, he should be able to enjoy them no matter the motives behind the person giving it.
Throughout the course of class, he notices that James doesn't really have the look of someone waiting for a joke to land. He seems nervous, almost-- like he's thinking 'maybe the package wasn't delivered'.
If James did mean the gifts in the way all his notes said, then Sirius should thank him. If he didn't mean it that way, then Sirius should thank him anyways. If he does like Sirius (doubtful), then talking about it might lead somewhere. If he doesn't, then Sirius wants to call him out and see what he has to say for himself. James won't be ashamed because he never has been for any of the tricks he's pulled, but Sirius is confident in his ability to talk him into a corner, should it become necessary.
Despite all his reasoning telling him that this must have been a terrible joke, he can't help the nugget of hope in his belly, wishing it to be true. He's spent so many years dreaming about James Potter. Thinking that maybe those feelings are returned makes him feel better than he has in ages. It's worth a shot.
Class lets out. James usually lags behind, not in a hurry to get to his next class because it's so close. It's easy for Sirius to take his time putting away his unused parchment and quill. He grabs the receipt from where he shoved it and straightens it a bit-- it's not a good look to have destroyed it in anger. When he walks out, James isn't far behind.
"Hey, James?"
The Gryffindor perks up, turning to face him. His mates all have a different class for the next block, so they're already gone, and nobody else is close enough to pay attention.
"You left this in the package," Sirius says, holding it out to him.
James takes the receipt with a confused frown, clearly not recognising it for what it is until a second later when he gives it a closer look. "Ah." His face doesn't transform into a cruel smirk or condescending pity. His expression is rather blank, as a matter of fact, as if he's trying to think of what to say-- which Sirius takes as a good sign.
"I know you didn't mean for me to find out, but thanks. I don't know why you did it, but I guess that's got nothing to do with me. See you around." He starts to leave but stops when he feels a touch on his shoulder. He faces James once more. "Hm?"
"What do you mean 'why I did it'? I left notes."
"Ha, yeah, but that's what people write on notes, innit? It's easier to say 'from a secret admirer' than come up with something else."
"I do admire you," James says, eyes honest.
Sirius shifts his weight uncomfortably; he can't possibly mean that. "Look, we don't need to do this. I just wanted to say thanks."
"I know I'm not your favourite person in the world, but would letting me talk you into a date be the worst thing?"
"...What?" No really, what? A date? Where the hell did that come from? If he didn't know better, he'd be thinking that James fancies him.
"I think you might like me a little if you gave me a chance, is all. I mean, we get on alright when we get partnered together in class-- you never seem annoyed with me, at least, and that's a step up from how you treat most people."
Sirius blinks at him. "Do you think I don't like you?"
"You don't like anyone," James shrugs, as if it's obvious. And, well, it is.
"That's because people don't like me."
"I really don't see how that's true-" what the fuck planet is James living on? "-but whatever. Does that mean you'll think about it?"
"Think about what?" Talking to James has never been so confusing, and that's including every interaction stretched out over their six and a half years of shared classes. It's like they're having two different conversations right now.
"Going on a date with me."
"You want that?" Sirius asks incredulously, unable to keep a matching expression from his face. He doesn't mean to sound so surprised by it, but he can't help it. The idea that James, the most fit bloke in Hogwarts, wants to go on a date with him, is ludicrous.
"Yeah." He shrugs one shoulder with a sheepish smile that makes Sirius's heart skip a beat. "I thought all the gifts had sort of given it away."
"I mean, yeah, I did think that might be the case, before I figured out it was you sending them."
"Why would it be different if it's me?"
"Have you seen you? And-" he doesn't want to say it, but he feels he has to "-have you seen me? It doesn't really match up, does it?"
"Who gives a shit if it matches up? I fancy you. It should be that easy, don't you think?"
"Yeah, but..."
"But what?"
"But that's not how it works," Sirius finishes with a sigh. He readjusts the strap of his bag for something to do. He doesn't like thinking of it in these terms-- 'I look like this and you look like that, so we can't be together'. He doesn't like feeling terrible about how he looks, but ignoring it altogether in this conversation wouldn't have done him any favours. It is good that he said it, rather than accept James's offer and let the topic fester. "So maybe we should forget about this." That's where they'd end up anyways, right?
James is silent for a moment. Then, looking at Sirius like he's seeing through his eyes and right into the depths of his soul, he says, "You didn't strike me as the type to accept that. If you don't want to date me, then- y'know, say it and I'll leave you alone, I swear. But don't stand there and tell me that we're not going to just because people will think it's weird."
"Of course I want to date you," Sirius sighs, because really, doubting that is ridiculous, "but you can't possibly like me."
"Do you really think of me like that?"
"I mean... no?"
James makes a face at how thoroughly uncertain Sirius sounds. "I think you're cute, but- you know what, if you don't want to believe me on that, that's up to you, but I think you're brilliant and funny."
"What?"
"It's why I noticed you back in first year. Gryffindor and Slytherin had Charms together then, I don't know if you-"
"Yeah, I remember," Sirius says. He'd noticed James in that class too. His laugh, specifically, had been what made Sirius look over and take real notice of him amongst all of their yearmates. Then he’d looked a little longer, seen his spellwork, and that was that.
James looks, for a moment, as if he's not seeing anything in front of him. Whatever memory he has of the first time he noticed Sirius, he's lost in it. "Look, I want to date you. I like how you look, and I fancy you. I'll say it every day if that's what you need to believe it, but if you're not willing to meet me halfway, then there's nothing I can do about that."
If Sirius wants to date him, he'll have to take the next step-- and it's a simple step. All he has to say is 'yes', and that will be it. Once he gives James his answer, he'll take care of it.
"So?" James asks hopefully.
"Well," Sirius replies, smiling awkwardly, "anyone that gives me chocolate this good deserves a chance."
James beams at him.
Sirius blushes with the full force of that expression trained on him. He wishes that he'll stop blushing, but his face pinks and stays that way.
"We're both free this block. Did you want to do something?"
"Sure."