i just really love you

“Break up?” Chan’s voice gets higher pitched, almost hysterical with each word he says. Felix doesn’t understand why Chan looks like this is brand new information to him. “I don’t understand, Felix, help me understand, please, how could we break up if we’re not dating?”

or: Felix is happy when his best friend and roommate Chan seems to return the feelings Felix has had for him for years and assumes they're dating. Chan is a little slower getting with the program, and then it turns out they're watching two different channels.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

Felix is on the verge of falling asleep when he finally shuffles out of the bathroom, the steam pouring out into the hallway behind him. It doesn’t act as much of a shield to the air-conditioning of the apartment, and Felix is glad he had the foresight to tug Chan’s sweatshirt on while he was still in the bathroom. Speaking of which, Felix peers down the hall to see his older roommate and best friend still slumped on the couch where Felix had left him, engrossed in something on his phone. Probably work, since Chan has proven time and time again he physically cannot ignore his work when he’s left alone. Felix debates in his head whether or not he wants to go back and curl up next to Chan, but the odds of Felix falling asleep on their lumpy couch and his back regretting it in the morning are a little too high. The idea of falling asleep next to Chan is equally enticing, and thus creates a very difficult decision. Felix sighs, turning the light in the bathroom off by blindly swinging his arm behind him, hoping that will be enough change in Chan’s peripherals that he uninvolves himself from whatever is so interesting on his phone. It’s not. Felix yawns and redirects himself back to the living room.

Chan actually looks up as Felix approaches, locking his phone and smiling up at Felix. Felix smiles back, but it’s interrupted by another yawn. He’s tired from his day job and since he and Chan had already stayed up a little bit later since they’re both supposed to be off work tomorrow, his body is ready to fall asleep and not wake up egregiously early for the first time in a week. “Wow, Felix, is there any hot water left? I can see the steam coming off your body, I’m surprised you didn’t melt.” Chan’s voice holds a teasing tone, and Felix sticks his tongue out. It’s obviously impossible for Chan to see any kind of steam since most of Felix’s skin is covered except for his face and hands. He wants to say something witty back, but his brain is tired and the act of opening his mouth triggers another yawn. “Are you tired?” Chan asks, making a big deal of stretching out his arms before standing up. Felix nods, pitching himself forward into Chan’s body. Chan lets out an oof, his arms quickly closing around Felix’s waist to keep both of them from tumbling down onto the couch. “Maybe it’s time for bed, hmm?” Felix nods vigorously, feeling Chan’s chest rumble with the chuckle that escapes his mouth. He loves that Chan understands him so easily without any words being said. “Okay, little one,” Chan hums, repositioning them so that he can better support Felix’s additional weight and turning them toward the bedrooms. “Which room?”

It's not unusual for Felix and Chan to share a room after one of their movie nights, or if they happen to go to bed together, or if one of them comes home after the other one is already asleep. Or really anytime, because Felix always finds an excuse to snuggle up to his best friend and long-time crush, and Chan never seems to mind and even seems to reciprocate the desire to stay close. While Felix sometimes really particularly craves the comfort only one’s own bed can, he usually prefers Chan’s bed because the pillows smell of Chan’s shampoo and the sheets smell of a nice mix between his body wash and his cologne and maybe Felix is weird for this but the mixture of scents while being enveloped by arguably his favorite people in the world is one of the most comforting things Felix has ever experienced. Tonight is no exception to the general rule.

“Yours,” Felix mumbles, yawning again and letting his eyes droop slightly. After all, he knows Chan will get him to their destination safely. It takes a little longer than necessary for them to reach Chan’s room due to Chan mostly manhandling Felix down the hall so Felix doesn’t have to expend any additional effort than keeping himself upright. It’s getting much harder for Felix to keep his eyes open, and as soon as they enter Chan’s room, he’s more than ready to faceplant right onto the bed and not move until midday tomorrow. Chan doesn’t let him go; however, he does literally sweep Felix off his feet and deposits him gently on the bed before Felix can even react to the lack of ground under his feet. Felix rolls over so he’s all the way on the right side of the bed, closest to the wall. Chan’s blankets are well within reach, so he gropes around with his eyes closed and pulls them up when they’re in his grasp. The familiar scent of Chan envelops him and Felix hums contently. Chan putters around his room a little bit, doing what, Felix can’t be bothered to open his eyes to find out. He’s exhausted. 70 hours at work this week certainly took a toll on him, and he’d had to hear more than once from Chan that he doesn’t care what your boss says, Felix, you’re going to burn yourself out if you keep working this much. Chan probably is right, but that’s not the point.

It doesn’t take all that long before Chan’s side of the bed dips and the older man gets under the blankets as well, scooting closer to Felix until he’s spooning Felix from behind, an arm slung lightly over Felix’s waist and Chan’s nose tickling the back of Felix’s neck. Felix is so warm, so comfortable, and is perfectly happy to die in this position. He’ll sleep so deeply it’ll basically be the same thing anyways. Felix is just about to give in to the pull of sleep blurring the edges of his thoughts when Chan speaks.

“Are you still awake, Felix?”

Bedtime conversations are Felix’s favorite. They usually talk about small thoughts and feelings, or occasionally one of them will open up about something they didn’t want to speak of in the harsh light of day. Bedtime conversations are the time for secrets, for hushed words that Felix keeps tucked away in his heart in a box with Chan’s name on it. The weird thing about this one, however, is Chan using Felix’s whole name. Normally, he sticks with nicknames or even pet names that make Felix’s heart skip a beat every time Chan says one. The fact that Chan called him Felix makes Felix blink away as much of the sleepiness as he can, although he’s nearly too far gone.

“Yeah,” he breathes, and waits. Chan doesn’t say anything for a bit, and Felix wonders if he was just asking just to know and decides it’s probably nothing until Chan’s voice prods through the drowsiness again.

“I’m really happy we’re together, you know.” The simple sentence enters Felix’s brain and immediately finds the box in his heart.

“Me too,” Felix agrees, voice somewhat sluggish with the effort it takes to form words when he’s this close to dropping off into sleep.

“God, Lix, you’re like my other half I didn’t even realize I was missing all my life. Sometimes you say something, or I look at you and I just think you complete me.” Chan’s voice is low, as if he doesn’t want anyone to overhear even though it’s just the two of them in their shared apartment. His words drip with sweetness, and if Felix was anymore awake, he’d tell Chan that he feels the same, that Chan is his other half, too. “I don’t think I tell you enough. You’re really special to me.”

“You’re really special to me too,” Felix replies, although he doesn’t know if it’s even loud enough for Chan to hear because the other boy keeps talking.

“You always know what to say, or when I’m feeling down, and if I am, you always know how to pick me up. You know you’re stuck with me now, right? Because I don’t think I could live without you ever again. I couldn’t be incomplete knowing my other half is out there somewhere in the world and we’re not together.”

“Of course not, hyung,” Felix manages. It’s very hard fighting against sleep when he’s so desperately trying to wake himself up, because is Chan confessing to Felix? They’d never quite talked about their feelings, or if Chan even reciprocated Felix’s feelings, but Felix thinks he’s hinted to Chan about his feelings in the past. Never blatantly, because even the thought of saying it when he wasn’t sure about where Chan stood was terrifying. But the things Chan is saying right now, to Felix, make it sound like he might love Felix back. And Felix so desperately wishes he could be more awake for this so he could turn over and look at Chan’s face in the moonlight and tell him all the sweet things he thinks about Chan, too, about how Felix wouldn’t ever leave his side if they didn’t have stupid things like jobs and responsibilities. About how Felix loves him, and how he’ll love him openly if Chan wants him to, and how he’d do anything for him. But Felix’s brain is too sluggish to find the right words, so he settles for, “I’ll be here as long as you’ll have me.”

Chan exhales against Felix’s neck, a long breath that would probably have made Felix shudder any other time, but Felix’s body is already in the process of shutting down for sleep. “Forever, then,” Chan replies easily. And it is easy. For once, Felix feels like they’re finally on the same page, instead of Felix waiting for Chan to catch up to a chapter Felix has long passed. Felix jerks his head in his best imitation of a nod with his limited coordination of his limbs. Chan’s lips press into Felix’s neck in a kiss, and Felix feels so loved, so happy. “Love you, Sunshine,” Chan’s voice says, a lot quieter and breathier than before in a way that tells Felix that Chan is falling asleep too.

“Love you too, Channie-hyung” is the last thing Felix can mumble out of his mouth before the pull of sleep becomes too much to bear, and he drops off into sleep, surrounded by Chan and the euphoric feeling of knowing someone he loves, has loved for years, loves him too.

“You asked Chan-hyung out???” Jisung’s voice is much too loud for the very public setting of the café, causing some of the other patrons to look over at their little group of three nestled in one of the booths in the corner. Felix bows his head in a general apology, before scooting closer to the window so the other customers can’t see him anymore. Seungmin, Felix’s coworker, snickers at the two of them. “Chan-hyung, your roommate, who you’ve been wordlessly simping over for five years? That Chan-hyung?”

“Shut up!” Felix hisses, since Jisung is really not showing any signs of lowering his voice, and Felix really doesn’t need the entire café knowing his business. Felix and Seungmin frequent the café enough, a couple of times a week for coffee or lunch during slow periods at work. Jisung will sometimes join them if he can manage to sneak out of his own job for lunch or in instances like today, where Felix wanted to tell his two closest friends (besides Chan) the good news and they agreed to meet at the end of the day. “No, I didn’t ask Chan-hyung out. He confessed to me.” The news hangs in the air for a moment, and Jisung stares back at Felix, his mouth agape like a fish. Felix doesn’t think he’s ever seen a time that Jisung was rendered speechless.

“That’s really nice, Lixie,” Seungmin says with a gentle smile, putting a hand on Felix’s shoulder. “I know how much he means to you. I’m glad he feels the same.” Felix has definitely not been shy with his feelings for Chan around his two other friends. Jisung and Felix had been friends in high school, although Jisung had run in slightly different circles than Felix. They’d gone their separate ways for university, but they’d run into each other shortly after they’d both gotten their first jobs out of university and had grown much closer. Felix had already been living with Chan at that point, so Jisung had been introduced and had immediately seen Felix’s feelings for his roommate. Seungmin, on the other hand, hadn’t been so easy to befriend due to his somewhat chilly exterior, but after a couple of late nights at work as the rookies of the company, they’d clicked quickly after that. They didn’t do too much hanging out outside of work, since they spent nearly forty hours a week in each other’s presences, but sometimes if Chan was out of town, they’d go to dinner or hang out for an evening. Seungmin had yet to meet Chan, but probably could write a biography on him based on how much Felix talked about him.

“Thank you, Minnie,” Felix says with a smile, shooting a pointed look at Jisung, because this is the proper level of response, not the level of screeching and arm flapping Jisung had engaged in initially.

“No,” Jisung cuts in before Seungmin can reply, “Nope, we’re not being casual about this at all. This is not to be a time for casual, so you—” Jisung points his finger at Seungmin, “keep your mouth closed if you’re going to downplay this.” Seungmin smiles indulgently, pretending to zip his lips. Felix had been initially nervous to introduce them, given Jisung’s affinity for dramatics and over-the-top responses and Seungmin’s ability to never overreact to anything, but Felix was happy to discover that they got on like a house on fire, and he’s kind of scared to land on either of their bad sides because he thinks they might wreck a whole bunch of chaos to whoever crosses them. “Lix, this is so exciting! You are literally living your insert Y/N here life! So are you like real boyfriends now?”

“I think so,” Felix nods. It’s so hard to wipe the smile off his face when thinking about it. “We haven’t really defined it, but hyung and I don’t really need a proper label, you know? It’s not like there’s a big difference in our interactions, either. I think we were kind of already treating each other like partners, but now we both know how we feel about each other and there’s no need to go back and do the whole asking out thing. I don’t know how long he’s felt like this, but it would probably be hard to pinpoint a start to it all anyways.” Even though he’s slightly downplaying it, Felix is giddy at the knowledge that Chan loves him back.

“Thank God, I was kind of waiting for Chan-hyung to figure it out. I was considering pulling his head of his ass soon given you two have acted like you were basically married since I met him.”

Felix wants to protest and save himself some kind of shred of dignity, but he really can’t find a good argument. Chan and Felix are pretty much joined at the hip at home. Chan does most of the cooking, and in return, Felix takes on the laundry and the light cleaning. They share the deep cleaning once a month and have an unspoken agreement on who does the grocery shopping each week. If Chan doesn’t have any meetings going on, he’ll usually drop by Felix’s work and walk him home. Speaking of which, Felix checks his phone, Chan should be on his way since Felix had mentioned he’d be a little later since he was meeting Jisung for coffee after work.

As if on cue, Felix spots Chan passing the window, completely missing where Felix, Jisung and Seungmin are sat right on the other side of it, and stops at the front door before looking down at his phone to confirm he’s at the right spot. Seconds later, the door swings open, and Chan steps inside. He’s dressed as he normally is when he comes to meet Felix out and about, baseball hat pulled down low over his eyes and a face mask completely covering the lower half of his face.

“Oh, Min-ah, look, here he is now!” Jisung’s pointing is very indiscrete, and grabs Chan’s attention. He turns to them, eyes scrunching up in a smile that Felix knows extends down past the cover of his mask. He waves and then locks eyes with Felix, pointing at the menu. Felix holds up his own half-finished tea, and Chan nods before getting in line to get something for himself.

“Wait a damn minute,” Seungmin says, looking at Chan, and then at Jisung, and then at Felix. “Holy shit. Is that Bang Christopher Chan?” His face is so surprised it’s priceless, and Jisung erupts in loud laughter that once again catches the attention of nearby tables. Felix doesn’t think he’s ever seen Seungmin’s face look so expressive over anything.

“Oh,” Felix grins, “Didn’t I mention that at some point?” He knows he hasn’t, because back when he’d first met Seungmin, Chan was just Chan, his roommate and crush. Not Bang Chan, the up-and-coming actor. As time passed, it felt weird to suddenly bring it up, and so Seungmin has always known just known Chan as Felix’s Chan-hyung. Keeping it a secret was definitely worth it to see this look on Seungmin’s face as he keeps looking between and Chan and Felix and Jisung.

“No, you did not mention that your hyung was an international actor,” Seungmin replies dryly, recovering in record time comparatively to if the roles had been reversed. “Which is shocking, considering I literally know what brand of shampoo he uses. I could make so much money selling this information.”

“You wouldn’t do that,” Jisung points out, but Felix feels the way his friend tenses up next to him. Jisung might be an overly friendly menace, but Felix is certain that if Seungmin did something that hurt Felix, Seungmin might mysteriously die in a fiery car accident. Although Felix is pretty sure that if the roles were reversed, Seungmin would make sure Jisung disappeared off the face of the Earth without so much as a squeak. Felix befriends some very loyal people, as it turns out.

“Only if Chan-hyung gives me a reason to,” Seungmin says airily, looking at Felix with more of a meaningful look. Felix understands that he’s now 100% sure Seungmin would cause someone’s disappearance if they touched a hair on Felix’s head. Jisung, also understanding, nods approvingly and reaches over to shake Seungmin’s hand in some unspoken pact. Felix should probably warn Chan of them. It’s too late to do so now, as Chan is approaching their table drink in hand, and face mask pulled down so they can see his face properly. Felix smiles up at him, and Jisung gets up to slide in next to Seungmin so Chan can sit next to Felix.

“Hyung, this is Seungmin, my desk mate,” Felix introduces them. “Minnie, this is Chan-hyung.”

“Nice to meet you, Chan-ssi,” Seungmin greets Chan formally, but Chan just smiles at him.

“Please speak casually to me, Seungmin. It’s nice to meet you too, Felix talks about you often.” As he speaks, Chan shuffles closer to Felix so that their legs are touching. Felix reaches down to take Chan’s hand, but Chan squeezes it before gently letting it drop back down to the booth. Oh, right. Chan had never been the biggest fan of PDA, but especially not in such a packed place where they could be noticed by fans. Felix redirects his attention just in time to see Seungmin’s mouth turn down and his eyes narrow just a bit, the way they do when their boss tells Felix and Seungmin they need to stay late because they’re the newest members of the team and they need to pay their dues. It’s the look that Seungmin adopts every time he wants to say something harsh but keeps his mouth shut until whoever the offending party is has left and Seungmin can say it freely to Felix. However, a quick glance around reveals no one is paying them any attention, so he can’t fathom why Seungmin would be looking like that.

Despite Seungmin’s change in mood, Chan makes easy conversation with Jisung, trying to pull Seungmin into it when the opportunity presents itself. Seungmin responds with one or two word responses, which if they were all complete strangers, would be on brand, but Felix thought Seungmin would at least be a little more conversational with Chan considering Seungmin already knows a decent amount about Chan and so it should be like he knows him anyways. But Seungmin replies in full when Jisung or Felix directly ask him a question, so Felix chalks it up to Seungmin being his normal prickly self when faced with a stranger coupled with maybe the additional nerves of being in the presence of Bang Chan the actor. He makes a mental note to apologize properly to Seungmin at work tomorrow for springing this on him, even though he still doesn’t regret prompting such an uncharacteristic response from his friend.

They don’t stay too long after that, and Felix hugs both Jisung and Seungmin goodbye. Seungmin pulls him in much closer than normal until his mouth is right next to Felix’s ear. “Be careful, Lixie. I don’t want you to get hurt.” Felix nearly jerks back to protest, but Seungmin’s arms keep him in firmly in place for another moment. Felix can hear Jisung tell Chan that Seungmin and Felix do this every time they part like they’re not going to see each other in fifteen hours, and then starts talking about something else to keep Chan’s attention elsewhere while Seungmin finishes talking with Felix. It’s sweet that they want to look out for him but Felix thinks this really isn’t necessary. “Call me if you need anything. You know the offer always stands.” He pulls back but keeps his hands on Felix to make sure Felix knows how sincere he is. “I mean it, Yongbok. Promise me you’ll be careful.”

“Hyung would never hurt me, Minnie. But yes,” he tacks on hastily once he sees Seungmin’s eyes start to narrow and his mouth start to open. “Yes, I promise.”

“Good.” Seungmin steps away from Felix and bows his head to Chan. “It was nice to finally put a face to the name, Chan-ssi.”

Polite to the end, Chan offers Seungmin another smile and bows his head back, clearly sensing the boundary that has been set. “It was nice to mee you as well. Take care of yourself.” Seungmin gives him a curt nod and sets off with Jisung toward the subway. Chan pulls up his face mask and tugs down his baseball hat before turning to look at Felix. “You ready to go, Sunshine?” Felix nods, and so they set off the opposite direction to start walking back to their apartment.

Felix can’t quite put his finger on what would have caused Seungmin to say all of that, or act like Chan was going to end up hurting Felix down the road. None of the explanations he comes up with in his head seem to make any sense when faced with Seungmin’s personality. It’s nice to know he has friends who have his best interests in mind, even if they seem to be confused about what those interests are. He supposes it doesn’t matter in the end, he’ll go in to work tomorrow and Seungmin will be back to his not-weird self. But Felix doesn’t want to think about work, not when Chan, his boyfriend, is next to him, chattering on about his day and the series he found that looked interesting to watch but saved it so they could watch it together tonight. “Sounds great, hyung,” Felix says when Chan pauses his dialogue for an answer. Chan ruffles his hair and Felix practically preens, looking over at his boyfriend and watching the way Chan’s eyes scrunch up in an easy smile. It quickly disappears when he has to throw out an arm to promptly yank Felix back before he walks into oncoming traffic.

“You need to be more careful,” Chan huffs, fussing over Felix to make sure he’s okay even though Felix’s foot barely toed the edge of the crosswalk. “What’s got you distracted, stuff at work?”

“No,” Felix replies, grinning over at Chan. The light turns green. “Just got distracted looking at your beautiful face, Chris.” Chan’s eyes scrunch even more and his face mask twitches with the movement of his smile. Even half covered, Chan’s smile is the most beautiful one Felix has ever had the pleasure of seeing.

The next three months of Felix’s life are washed in sunshine and Chan as the summer heat dissipates and autumnal breezes start to pick up. They continue on with their normal routines and habits, although Felix tries to make a point to plan more dates for them since Chan is usually the one making reservations and planning things. It probably helps that he has a lot more down time when he’s not shooting a campaign or a commercial, not to mention he definitely has the connections to book dates that give them more privacy, but Felix still wants Chan to know he’s putting in the efforts as well. It means he catches a few glimpses of the back of his head in fan pictures that Jisung sends every time one comes up on his socials, but no one has quite figured out who is he yet so Felix remains content. He does occasionally wonder if Chan will ever want to introduce Felix as his boyfriend, but Felix knows well enough that Chan’s career is still in the early stages and its for the best if he keeps his personal life private. Not to mention, Chan hasn’t done anything major so it’s not like he’s even had the opportunity to bring Felix along to anything anyways. Felix knows Chan is getting frustrated with the auditions he’s not passing and getting very little feedback if any, so he works harder at keeping the mood light around the house and making sure he’s showing his love to Chan in all the small ways that count, like picking up his favorite food as a surprise for dinner, running him a bath with their nicest bath bombs, or surprising him with a weekend trip to Jeju that takes Felix a couple of weeks of overtime to be able to save for.

Chan’s big opportunity comes a couple days after they return from Jeju, well-rested and Felix can already tell on the morning of the audition that he’s buzzing with energy and determination that Felix had had to watch slowly drain out of Chan with every failed audition. He begs Seungmin to cover him at work, so he can commute alongside Chan to the company building that he’s auditioning for. Chan is a big bundle of nerves, leg tapping restlessly the entire subway ride there. Felix eventually dares to put his hand on Chan’s thigh (after a quick sweep to make sure no one’s paying attention to them) to try and settle him.

“Hyung, you’re going to be great,” Felix says with as most of a reassuring smile as he can offer under his own facemask.

“You say that every time,” Chan mumbles. The words and it hasn’t helped remain unspoken between them, and Felix ignores the pang of hurt in his chest he feels for his boyfriend.

“I really feel it this time, though,” Felix encourages. “I think the trip did you some good, you were stressing yourself out too much. You’re going to nail this one, I know you are. I just want you to know it too, in here.” He taps Chan’s heart, and Chan looks up from where he’s staring at the ground to make direct eye contact with Felix. “You showed me the script, and you were basically made for this role. Or scratch that, they wrote this role for you.” It had been almost uncanny how closely the lead role’s personality matched up with Chan’s. The whole premise had to do with a man moving home to the suburbs after becoming the top man in a gang in the city. He was meant to take care of his dying mother while keeping an eye on the gang from afar, and in the process, managed to fall in love with his mother’s nurse who he ended up having to protect from the gang’s second in command who was trying to stage a coup to overthrow the lead character while he was gone. While the lead was clearly meant to be a tough guy, the script had been written to show the audience the soft sides of the gang leader, kindness and loyalty that won him the girl and the gang in the end. Felix had envisioned Chan in the lead role the whole time he’d read it, and it had fit better than any of the other roles Chan had auditioned for. “You just have to believe in yourself, Channie-hyung, because I can only believe in you so much for the both of us.”

“I love you,” Chan says immediately after Felix finishes speaking, and Felix feels his face warm up behind the mask. Chan’s hand finds Felix’s, still grasping Chan’s leg, and rests over it, intertwining their fingers and squeezing tightly. “God, Sunshine, you always know exactly what to say, it’s ridiculous. You really think I can do this?” He looks hopeful, like Felix personally has the power to make the decision on whether or not to cast Chan. He wishes he did, because he’d have written Chan’s name directly into the script instead of whatever the lead’s name was. Either way, Felix has a job to do as Chan’s supportive boyfriend and personal sunshine.

“I know you can, Chris. I told you; you just need to know it too.” Chan nods, eyes swimming with gratitude and newfound determination at Felix’s words. It warms Felix’s heart that his support means so much to Chan that he can overcome whatever mental reservations he has. Felix is so, so proud of Chan, regardless of whether or not he lands this role. The subway screeches to a halt, and Chan squeezes Felix’s hand once more before tugging him up from the seat. They exit quickly, taking the stairs two at a time before they emerge on the sidewalk across the street from the company building.

“I won’t let you down, Sunshine. I’m going to land this role,” Chan tells him seriously, and presses a quick kiss to Felix’s forehead before setting off across the street before Felix can even tell him he could never let Felix down.

“Fighting!” Felix calls after him, and he knows Chan’s heard him when he stops for a second on the other side and gives him an over-exaggerated thumbs up. Felix watches Chan until Chan is in the building and Felix can’t see him anymore. He sends a silent prayer up to the top of the building, hoping the universe can deliver it to the casting director before he turns around and heads back down into the subway to catch a ride back to work.

Felix is anxious at work all day, to the point where he has a bruise forming on his left shin from where Seungmin kicked him multiple times in an attempt to calm him down. Jisung literally refused to meet him for lunch after the café, although Felix fully suspects it’s because Seungmin warned him of Felix’s state after Seungmin refused to condone Felix consuming any kind of sugar or caffeine on the probable chance that it would completely send him off the rails. He’s checked his phone obsessively every five minutes for an update from Chan, even daring to send him one text at midday to check in, but to no response.

5:00 comes much too slowly for Felix’s liking, but as soon as the clock on his computer turns, he’s reaching up to switch it off, shoving all his personal items into his jacket pockets and jumping on his feet. He does everything so quickly that Seungmin is left gaping at him as Felix stares expectantly at him, as they usually walk down together. Seungmin hasn’t even saved his work yet, for God’s sake. But Seungmin is a good friend and makes quick work of shutting his own station down before he’s ready to go.

“I’ve been trying to save both our sanities by not asking, but what is going on with you today?” Seungmin asks once they’re both in the elevator.

“Hyung had a big audition, and I can’t figure out if it went okay or not,” Felix explains, bouncing up and down on the tips of his toes like it might make the elevator descend faster. Although, the added bouncing might make the elevator stall if he believes everything he sees in dramas. This thought makes Felix stop immediately. To his horror, the elevator does slow, but it’s stopping to let more people on.

“Nope, sorry, we’re full,” Seungmin says as soon as the doors start opening, and Felix catches the annoyed look of the group of businessmen as they catch a glimpse of the mostly empty elevator as the doors catch themselves and close. Seungmin is a good friend. “Everything’s going okay with you guys?”

“Who, me and Chan?” Felix replies, caught off guard by Seungmin’s question. He keeps his eyes trained on the floor number, watching it continue to tick down to the ground floor. “Yeah, of course we’re okay, why wouldn’t we be?” He breaks his gaze to look over at Seungmin, who is now currently focused on the tile of the elevator floor.

“Just checking,” Seungmin says casually in a way that’s very suspicious. “Jisung and I think—well, we just want to make sure you’re okay.” Jisung and Seungmin? Felix isn’t a territorial person, so he’s not so much upset that they’re talking outside of being friends with him, but he is a bit surprised. He’d always just assumed their friendship was based on the fact that they were both close with Felix. It’s a nice thing, though, that his friends like each other enough to be friends separately.

“Wait, what do you and Sungie think?” Felix asks, but before Seungmin can answer, the elevator doors ding and the doors slide open to the lobby. Just outside, Felix can see Chan’s familiar baseball hat pacing around, and he turns to Seungmin with an apologetic smile, but Seungmin smiles back at him and waves him off. Felix will buy Seungmin coffee next time they go out and grill him about what Jisung and Seungmin apparently think about his relationship, but right now it’s much more imperative to see Chan and find out exactly how his audition went. Felix manages to wave to the receptionist, Jeongin, on his way out, but doesn’t stop to chat like usual and instead leaves Seungmin to explain why Felix is barreling out of the front doors like his life depends on it.

Chan turns around when Felix skids to a halt mere centimeters away from him, grabbing Chan’s arms to steady himself. Chan’s eyes are expressionless, mouth hidden behind the mask but Felix can almost imagine it pressed into a flat line like it does when Chan is trying to keep whatever emotion it is at bay. Felix’s heart sinks in his chest, realizing that Chan probably didn’t pass his audition. Maybe that’s why he hadn’t responded earlier because he didn’t want to talk about it just yet. But even so, he hadn’t neglected to come meet Felix and walk him home from work as normal. Felix thinks they probably still have some bath bombs at home, he can run Chan a bath and then maybe run out to the grocery store and bring back the ingredients to make jjajangmyeon.

“I got it.” It takes a minute for Felix to register the words, and he tilts his head at Chan while he tries to figure out what exactly it is that Chan got. Unless… Chan tugs down his face mask so Felix can see the smile creeping at the corners of Chan’s lips—

“Aish, hyung!” Felix can’t help himself from squealing. He throws himself at Chan, the older man laughing loudly as he catches Felix by the waist to keep both of them from falling on the sidewalk. Some of the other employees exiting the company building look at them a little weirdly, but Felix can’t be bothered to care. “You’re such a tease, hyung!” Chan laughs even harder, accepting the soft punch Felix throws to his shoulder. His hands leave Felix’s waist but move to his shoulders instead and squeezes them lightly.

“It’s all thanks to you, little one,” Chan says softly, the laughter subsiding but the wide smile doesn’t leave his face. “You’ve believed in me every step of the way. I couldn’t have done it without your support.” Felix flushes under the sincerity of Chan’s words. The two of them stand there, in their own little bubble of ChanandFelix, and Chan tilts his head down towards Felix’s… and holy shit is Chan going to kiss him? Felix can’t help but feel a little disappointed when Chan instead bumps his forehead against Felix’s and presses a light kiss to Felix’s nose before pulling away and tugging his face mask back up in one quick motion.

It's definitely a little weird that Felix and Chan haven’t kissed, given their relationship status, but Felix had already known that Chan wasn’t all that big on PDA and seemed to be far less affectionate than Felix personally was, which was fine. Chan seemed content with taking things slow, and Felix was more than happy to wait until Chan was ready, however long it would take. (Hopefully soon, though, there was only so much staring at Chan’s lips Felix could do before he would go insane.) So even though Felix didn’t receive a kiss where he was hoping, he still got a kiss from Chan and that was more than enough.

“You did it all on your own, Channie-hyung, you didn’t need me to help you do it.” Chan motions for them to start walking, and Felix turns back to the building to see if he can see Seungmin through the glass. His friend is leaned over the receptionist desk, talking to Jeongin, and both of them wave at Felix and he waves back to them before setting off with Chan. “Do you want to go out to dinner and celebrate?”

“One step ahead of you, hyung’s already booked a table, so let’s get going!”

It turns out that Chan had booked a table at Taste, a very upscale rooftop restaurant known for its more romantic setting. They’d been given a table in the back corner, semi-hidden by a lattice partition that was interwoven with ferns and flowers. It was nice and quiet, even with the noise of the other diners. Chan orders a bottle of champagne for them to share in the name of celebration. It’s not until after they’d put in their orders for entrees and they’ve both drank a glass and a half of champagne that Felix asks Chan to spill all the details of the audition.

“So they had me read from the scene where Daesong, the lead, finds out his second in command Sangwon, has been double crossing him,” Chan starts, taking another sip of his champagne. “You’ll never guess who they cast as Sangwon, by the way, when I realized I was reading with him I just about stopped breathing.”

“Are you going to tell me, or are you going to make me guess?” Felix demands. Chan laughs.

“Lee Know.”

“Lee Know? You’re going to be in a movie with Lee Know?” Felix loves Lee Know. He’d been a fan of Lee Know back in his idol days, but after his group split up a year after debuting due to ‘personal reasons’, Lee Know had started pursuing acting much to Felix’s delight. He’d dragged to Chan to every movie and made him stream every show that Lee Know had starred in as long as they’d known each other. “Hyung, please tell me you me got his autograph.”

“Oh yes, that would have gone over fantastically,” Chan teases, “but don’t worry, we’re going to be working closely together, I’m sure I can get one for you.”

“Fine,” Felix huffs, but he can’t stop the grin that appears at the thought of getting Lee Know’s autograph. “Keep going!”

“Right, right. So Lee Know and I read through the scene, and the director Changbin-nim and the producer Hyunjin-nim sent me out of the room so they could discuss. They called me in to read a few more lines, and then told Changbin-nim started clapping so much that Hyunjin-nim started yelling at him to contain himself. Either way, they offered me the role immediately! That’s why I couldn’t respond, my agent came down and we were reviewing and signing contracts for the remainder of the day.”

“Hyung, this is so cool,” Felix gushes. “When do you start filming?”

“About that…” Chan coughs and suddenly looks a little less excited. “I leave on Sunday, we start shooting on Monday.” Sunday, five days from today. That’s a lot sooner than Felix had expected. “I guess they were having trouble finding the right person to play Daesong, which is why my agent was able to get me an audition in the first place.”

“No big deal, hyung, this is an amazing opportunity for you, regardless of when it starts,” Felix shrugs, although he can’t deny he is a little disappointed knowing Chan is leaving him so soon. He’d been looking forward to spending Chuseok together, and had even been playing with the idea putting in extra overtime so they could go back to Australia and spend the holiday with Felix’s parents so he could finally introduce them to Chan. “Are you going to be close enough to visit?”

“They want to film on location outside of Tokyo,” Chan says. “I don’t think we’re going to have many breaks either, they had already pushed back the timeline and they only have the three months to make it—”

“Three months?” Felix doesn’t know why he’s so surprised, but he’d genuinely didn’t think it would take that long. A month, at the most. Felix clearly doesn’t know a whole bunch about the filmmaking process, but to be fair, this is Chan’s big break, having only done cameos or guest roles that were based in Korea and definitely didn’t last three months. The waitress chooses this time to bring over their meals, and Felix and Chan fall quiet as she sets everything down. The food looks amazing, but Felix is still too preoccupied with the idea of being apart from Chan for three whole months. He knows it’s important, knows this is Chan’s big break, knows this is going to open a lot of doors for Chan, but selfishly wishes it didn’t come at the price of their separation.

“We might wrap up filming sooner, Changbin-nim said. I might even be back in time for Christmas—” anything else Chan has to say falls into the background of Felix’s thoughts. Chan might not be back for Christmas? These are their first holidays together as ChanandFelix and he’d assumed they would spend them together. He’d already thought of buying them matching pajamas and had been looking into the best tree decorations so their Christmas morning would be just as picture-perfect as possible. “—Felix?” Felix had been so lost in thought, he’d completely zoned out on whatever Chan had been saying to him. Right. Felix is making this all about him, and what he wanted, and it’s Chan’s night to celebrate him killing the audition. Felix plasters what he hopes is a convincing smile on his face.

“Sorry, hyung, got distracted by the food,” he lies straight through his teeth, but Chan’s concerned look softens into a smile, and Felix pushes the ugly feelings away. “I’m really happy for you, Channie-hyung. You’ve worked so hard for this.” Chan’s appreciative smile is illuminated by the glow of the candles the restaurant has set up right in the middle of the table, and even now, Felix can’t help but admire just how handsome Chan is. He’s so lucky to be here with Chan, and he resolves to enjoy the last few days with Chan and wallow in his feelings later.

Living without Chan for such a long period of time is a hard thing for Felix to acclimate to. Sure, he’d done it when he was younger, but like Chan had said that night, Felix now knows what it’s like to live with Chan’s presence nearby and it’s difficult to know that Chan is out there somewhere, and not in their apartment. Not to mention, it’s Felix’s first time living alone, as he’d gone straight from his parents’ house to a university dorm with a roommate, and then in his sophomore year, he moved into an apartment with recently-graduated Chan. Chan had been the one to ask Felix if he wanted to live together, since Felix had complained incessantly about his inconsiderate roommate and he and Chan had grown closer in the one year they shared in university, having been paired up for a project in a shared elective class. Felix had agreed immediately, and they’d found a nice, small apartment that a university student and an undiscovered actor could comfortably afford. Four years later, and their apartment had become a home full of Chan’s things here, Felix’s things there, and everything else to be shared.

Now, there are holes in the closet where Chan’s clothes are missing, empty shelves in their bathroom where Chan’s toiletries used to be. Chan’s bed has started to smell more like Felix due to the sheer number of nights Felix had slept in there during the first few weeks of Chan’s absence, trying to hold on to Chan’s lingering scent as long as possible.

Felix spends more time with Jisung and Seungmin, the latter of which has adopted the receptionist from work, Jeongin. He’s funny and sweet and fits right in with their little group, joining them for café lunches and after work drinks. They don’t bring up Chan unless Felix does, since the first time Jisung had, Felix nearly burst into tears because of how much he missed Chan. It was not one of Felix’s finer moments. It’s nice to have other friends, but Felix still hates returning to an empty apartment. He makes Jisung sleepover once a week, to which Jisung has no complaints and shows up every Saturday night promptly at 3PM so they can continue binge-watching TV and play video games.

Chan’s phone calls become less frequent the longer filming lasts, but they text mostly every day and Chan still tries and calls as often as he can. Chan usually fills him in on the scenes they’re doing, or the funny stories from set, and Felix tells him about work and shares whatever stories he has from the chaotic group that he, Jisung, Seungmin and Jeongin are turning out to be. Sometimes Chan calls while Jisung is over, and Chan talks to both of them about everything before Felix inevitably steals Chan back from Jisung’s incessant questions and sneaks off to the bedroom to talk to him one-on-one. For everything Jisung teases Felix for, he doesn’t mind Felix disappearing for half an hour to talk to Chan and rarely pokes fun at Felix for it, knowing Felix isn’t having the easiest time with his boyfriend gone.

It’s one of the Jisung/Felix sleepover nights that Chan calls much, much later than normal. Felix and Jisung are already tucked into Felix’s bed. Jisung is already asleep if his even breaths are anything to go by, and Felix is on the verge of sleep when his phone starts vibrating on the nightstand. Jisung groans, but his breath evens out again, and Felix quickly answers the phone. Before he can say anything, Chan’s sniffling comes loud and clear through the earpiece, and fear courses through Felix. He sits up quickly, Jisung groaning again but turning over to look at Felix.

“Hyung?” Felix asks, heart hammering in his chest. “Chan-hyung, are you okay?” Jisung sits up too, eyes wider now, and Felix sees his own panic reflected in Jisung’s. Chan doesn’t say anything, continues to cry. Is he hurt? Did something happen? Why isn’t Chan responding? “Chris, you’re scaring me. What’s going on?”

“Sorry, Lix,” Chan says finally. “I shouldn’t have called.”

“Wait!” Felix yells, and then pats Jisung’s shoulder apologetically before he starts climbing out of bed. “Wait, hyung, don’t hang up, give me a second.” Jisung gives him a questioning look, but Felix ignores it in favor of getting out of the room as quick as possible. He heads to Chan’s room and makes sure to close the door behind him. “Channie-hyung, what’s going on?” He’s afraid that Chan might really hang up, but the line doesn’t go dead, and Felix just has to sit here and listen to Chan cry without being able to hug him or wipe away his tears and it hurts. He patiently waits, swallowing hard so he doesn’t start crying too because Chan clearly needs him.

“I fucked up.” Chan’s voice is so quiet, so muffled by his cries, that Felix almost doesn’t hear him. It doesn’t give him any more insight into the situation, but Felix is worried that if he prods harder, Chan might not continue. So he hums in response, hoping that the acknowledgement is enough for Chan to want to open up more. “Felix, I really really fucked up.”

“It’s okay, hyung,” Felix soothes him as best as he can. “Whatever it is, I’m sure it’ll be okay.” He desperately wants to ask what happened, but he feels that it’s best in this situation to let Chan control the conversation. He’s seen Chan cry before, but never has Chan sounded so hysterical and so upset. Felix almost feels out of his depth, but he takes a deep breath and reminds himself that it’s just Chan, and Felix knows Chan like the back of his hand, and he can help Chan overcome whatever this is.

“I’m really sorry,” Chan whispers. Felix kind of wants to laugh.

“Sorry for what?” he asks indulgently. Some of the anxiety lifts off his chest. Chan’s probably just having a bad day. Felix is sure it’s going to be something simple like Chan made a mistake, and feels like he’s letting Felix down, which he could never do anyways. Whatever it is, it seems navigable, and that calms Felix’s nerves. This is better than the alternative of Chan being hurt, or fired, or something equally horrifying that Felix had initially assumed would cause Chan to cry like this.

“I almost hooked up with Minho.” Felix’s thoughts of an easier conversation completely disappear as Chan’s words process in his brain. Chan almost did what? Felix doesn’t know if he feels hurt, angry, betrayed… the entire conversation being turned in a direction he definitely didn’t expect is messing with his processing skills.

“Minho?” Is what comes out of his mouth.

“Minho—oh right. Um, Lee Know.” Chan doesn’t elaborate further than this. Chan… almost hooked up with Lee Know? Felix thinks he might be in shock. A million scenarios race through his head, but Felix can’t catch any of them quick enough to make a tangible thought. Had Felix been neglecting Chan? Chan’s schedule had obviously been busy, but he thought he’d been doing the right thing by not reaching out more because he didn’t want to disrupt the older. He’d answered every phone call promptly, responded to every text as soon as he’d seen it. Felix has no idea what he did wrong for Chan to find company in Lee Know. Maybe this is what Felix deserves for dating someone who was going to meet more successful, more attractive people than him. His eyes start to sting, and he swallows through the lump in his throat.

“But… you didn’t go through with it?” Felix manages, his throat feeling like it’s closing up.

“No,” Chan replies slowly, the hesitation clear in his voice. Felix waits for him to respond. “No, I didn’t. Minho stopped it.” Felix allows the weight of the words to settle over them. Lee Know stopped it. Chan didn’t stop it. Which means… if Lee Know hadn’t stopped it, then… Chan would have gone through with it? Tears spill over Felix’s cheeks, and he can’t help the sob that escapes his mouth. “Lix, no, I’m so sorry.” Chan’s voice is filled with so much pain that Felix believes he truly is sorry, but it doesn’t erase the hurt bubbling in Felix’s own heart and he brings up a hand to wipe at his face.

“I have to go,” Felix’s brain is on auto-pilot. Chan keeps desperately apologizing, begging Felix not to hang up, but Felix doesn’t want to discuss this anymore. “Jisung is over, and yeah, I have to go.” He hangs up on Chan, letting the phone fall onto Chan’s bed before burying his face in his palms and letting the cries escape him more freely. There’s a soft knock on the door before it swings open, and the bed dips with the weight of Jisung.

“Hey,” Jisung’s voice says softly, an arm coming to circle around Felix’s shoulders. “What happened, Bbokkie?”

Felix tells him what Chan said, as best as he can through his tears and hiccupping sobs. Jisung’s face falls, and he tightens his hold around Felix and lets Felix bury his face in his sweatshirt and cry until he’s dehydrated and he physically can’t cry anymore. It’s at this point that Jisung brings him back into his own room, and disappears only to return with a glass of water that Felix accepts with a watery smile and drinks a bit of it to get some fluids back in his body. “I’m so sorry, Bbokkie,” Jisung says. “I really wish there was something more I could do for you.”

“Can we just go to sleep?” Felix asks hoarsely, wanting this nightmare of a night to come to an end as soon as possible. Jisung nods wordlessly, taking the water glass and setting it on the nightstand before pulling the covers up over the both of them. He reaches down and intertwines their hands, and Felix pretends like he’s not crying himself to sleep.

It’s difficult for Felix to open his puffy eyes the next morning, but he manages. Jisung is no longer next to him, but the sounds of low conversation trickle in from the living room. Did Chan come home? Felix doesn’t know whether or not he wants Chan to be here, but his curiosity overcomes him and he throws off the blankets and rushes out of his room to find Jisung and Seungmin and halting in his tracks. “Hey, Lix,” Seungmin greets him with a sympathetic tone, “Sungie called me. I hope you don’t mind me coming over, I wanted to be here for you.”

“No, of course I don’t mind,” Felix replies, venturing further out into the living room. It’s actually really nice that they both wanted to be here with Felix. Not to mention, it saves him the pain of having to explain what happened to Seungmin because Seungmin would have picked up on Felix’s sour mood tomorrow at work anyways. “Sungie told you what happened?” Seungmin and Jisung nod in unison. Felix flops on to the couch, deflated and emotionally worn out. “I don’t really know what to do.”

“What do you mean you don’t know what to do?” Seungmin asks at the same time Jisung says, “Understandable.” They both look at each other in shock. Seungmin is the one to continue talking. “Felix, your boyfriend was going to cheat on you.” Felix winces and Jisung, who time and time again proves he shares at least one brain cell with Felix, smacks Seungmin’s arm hard. Seungmin doesn’t even flinch. “You’re not thinking about forgiving him, are you?” Felix’s silence answers the question. He’s still hurt, and Chan really has some explaining to do, but it has to count for something that Chan didn’t actually cheat on him and then called him and confessed to Felix what he’d almost did, right?

“He loves him,” Jisung points out, “maybe they can move past this?” He sounds more optimistic than Seungmin looks, and than Felix currently feels. Seungmin’s eyes narrow in Jisung’s direction, and Jisung actually takes a whole step back.

“I thought we were on the same side, here,” Seungmin hisses at Jisung in a volume that suggests Felix probably wasn’t supposed to hear it, but he did anyways.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Felix asks, looking between the two of them. Jisung and Seungmin look at each other and have a wordless conversation that Felix didn’t even realize they were close enough to be able to have. Jisung’s eyebrow raises, but Seungmin doesn’t look like he’s backing down and Jisung sighs heavily before dropping down on the couch next to Felix.

“Don’t get mad, okay? But Seungmin had pointed out something when he first met Chan-hyung, and it once he did, it like, opened up my eyes? If that makes sense? Like when you have a stain on your shirt and you don’t notice it at first but someone says something and then your shirt just turns into one big stain—”

“Jisung.” Felix really just wants him to get to the point. Jisung looks at Seungmin again, who is now watching both of them with his arms crossed. Jisung looks back at Felix nervously.

“It’s maybe… sometimes seemed like… maybe Chan-hyung wasn’t as invested in your relationship as you were.”

“What?” Felix asks, jaw dropping. He blinks at Seungmin. “Is that why you were so—in the café, that day? And you constantly asked me how we were doing?”

“Yeah,” Seungmin says. He’s peering at Felix, trying to gauge Felix’s reaction. “It’s clear you love him, Felix, you’re always talking about him and every time I see you together, it’s clear in your actions, and the way you look at him, like he’s the only person that matters on the planet. It’s really sweet, honestly, but I haven’t seen him return any of your affection or even look at you in a way that looks more than platonic.”

“So, what? You saw me with him a couple of times and decided that was enough to judge our relationship on?” Felix’s tone is sharp, and Jisung winces next to him. Seungmin looks a little more unsure than before. Even if Felix hasn’t decided what to do about Chan, he still feels like their relationship deserves to be defended. “And you agree with him?” he questions Jisung. The other boy doesn’t say anything, which says everything to Felix. “I don’t need to defend myself to you.” He shakes his head, his eyes starting to burn again. “I want you guys to leave.”

“Yongbok—” Jisung starts pleadingly, but Seungmin hauls him up. Felix shakes his head again at both of them.

“Please know this is coming from a place of caring,” Seungmin says before they both depart. The door closes swiftly behind them, and Felix is left alone to ruminate on the outcome of all of his closest relationships.

Because Felix is naturally a forgiving person, he ends up forgiving everyone. He knows logically that Jisung and Seungmin were just worried about him, and that while it was hard to hear their speculations, that it was based on their observations and that they thought they were looking out for him. Seungmin still buys his coffee for two weeks straight, and Jisung lets Felix pick out what they’re watching for the next month, even though Felix tells both of them it’s really not necessary.

Chan and Felix talk a couple days later, and while Felix tells Chan that it’s okay, that he forgives him and he really wants to move past it, Chan tells Felix he thinks they both need a little bit of space. It really hurts Felix to hear that and brings on a whole wave of insecurities. If it had been a drunken mistake or something, that would be one thing. But even though Chan maintains that he’s sorry, he still wants space from Felix. Felix isn’t stupid. He knows what usually comes in a relationship after space. They don’t really talk except for the occasional text from Chan asking how Felix is doing, and Felix always responds, but he never messages first. He wants to, multiple times, but fears that would be violating Chan’s request for space and is still holding on to what feels like a shred of hope that they might be able to overcome this. Chan’s door stays permanently closed in the apartment, and the gaping holes in between Felix’s belongings where Chan’s things should live mock him every time he opens a closet or cabinet.

The weeks pass by and it’s not until the week of Christmas and a package is delivered to the apartment with Chan’s name on it that Felix realizes Chan is probably coming back soon. He brings the package inside and sets it on the coffee table, and then sits on the couch and stares at it. Chan hadn’t mentioned when he’d be back, and Felix hadn’t asked. He doesn’t know what Chan coming home will bring. He’d thought they’d be on speaking terms again, or even would have had another discussion about what this space is accomplishing. For Felix, it’s done nothing but allow him the time to think of all of the worst-case scenarios. Maybe Felix will have to look for a new apartment. Maybe Chan will bring his new boyfriend, Minho, back with him. Felix scoffs to himself while he kicks at the rug. He’d like to think Chan wouldn’t be that heartless, but he also never thought Chan would be the person to almost cheat on their partner.

Felix’s phone vibrates from his pocket, and he fishes it out. There’s a text from Chan. He stares at it for a long moment before swiping on it and looking at it. I’ll be home tomorrow. We need to talk.

Tomorrow?

Chan is coming home tomorrow, and he wants to talk???

His phone buzzes again, another text from Chan. This time it’s an address and a time.

Jisung and Seungmin are at his apartment door in less than 10 minutes.

“Is this about Chan-hyung being back in town?” Jisung asks as soon as Felix swings the door open. He walks in without waiting for an invitation, shedding his jacket and boots on the floor before sitting on the couch. Felix glances over at Seungmin, who is technologically skilled enough that he probably could have hacked into Felix’s phone without Felix noticing. Seungmin looks back at him expectantly, so Felix could probably rule that possibility out.

“How do you know he’s coming back?” Felix asks, opening the door wider for Seungmin to come in. Jisung raises an eyebrow, waiting for Felix and Seungmin to join him on the couch, which they scramble to do once it becomes apparent that Jisung isn’t going to respond until they’re all settled.

“I saw him at the café today,” Jisung replies. “You know. Our café.” He says it like he’s personally offended that Chan would deign to enter their sacred meeting place. Felix can’t really pretend that he’s all that surprised, given that Jisung’s opinion of Chan has seemed to far decline the longer this ‘space’ seemed to last. Both Seungmin and Jisung have neglected to share their thoughts with Felix since their fight, but Felix can clearly sense that their overall sentiments regarding Chan aren’t positive.

“Yeah,” Felix sighs, holding out his phone to show them the text messages that he hasn’t responded to yet. “Except he told me he wasn’t coming back until tomorrow.” If Seungmin’s eyebrows went any higher, they’d be in his hair.

“Are you going to go?” Jisung asks, peering at the text message. Seungmin is whipping out his phone to look something up.

“I guess I have to, I mean it would be kind of awkward if I didn’t and then he came here,” Felix points out. It had crossed his mind to stand Chan up, but he supposed that didn’t really work out all that well when they were roommates and Chan was bound to show up eventually. “I just want closure, anyways. I’m tired.” He doesn’t explicitly list out the things he’s tired of, but he knows Seungmin and Jisung know anyways. Second guessing himself is tiring. Wondering if Chan is seeing Minho is tiring. Thinking about where he went wrong is tiring. Crying himself to sleep is tiring. Felix senses a breakup in his very near future, and he’d quite like to rip the band aid off instead of continuing to drag it out.

“This is a really nice place,” Seungmin says, holding out his own phone to where he’s pulled up the address that Chan sent to him. It is a really nice place, the kind that Felix would have never dreamed of going. At least this means it probably gives them a decent amount of privacy, so Felix doesn’t have to worry about anyone seeing him getting his heart broken. Chan probably picked it so no one would see him breaking up with someone, and he can keep his good reputation since his name is starting to be mentioned more as more articles keep emerging about the movie. “Why do you think he’s taking you out?”

“I don’t know, maybe he thinks I won’t react as strongly in public.” Felix wouldn’t have reacted all that strongly anyways, but being in public means Felix is definitely going to try his hardest not to cry which probably makes it easier for Chan. Seungmin and Jisung’s faces soften in unison, Jisung reaching out to pat Felix’s shoulder while Seungmin scoots a little closer to him.

“Why don’t you break up with him first, then?” Jisung suggests. Felix looks at him quizzically, and Jisung shrugs. “I mean, wouldn’t that make you feel better at least?”

“No,” Felix grumbles, his eyes falling back to the package on the table with Chan’s name on it. “I don’t want us to break up.” It’s easier to pretend his sight is getting blurry because of the sheer intensity at which Felix is staring at the name on the label instead of the real reason. “I love hyung, I haven’t stopped loving hyung. If this is what makes him happy, then so be it. I love him so much, I’d rather he be happy, even if it’s—” his voice breaks, and he swallows hard, trying to get rid of the lump that’s suddenly lodged itself in his throat. “—even if it’s not with me.” The last words come out in a whisper. The tears start swimming in his vision, and Felix blinks so they can fall.

“Aw, Yongbokkie,” Jisung says, pulling Felix closer so that he can cry into his shoulder. “You’re too good for this world, honestly.”

“Too good for him,” Seungmin adds from behind, rubbing at Felix’s back in a soothing manner. “You have such a kind heart, for you to even think that way. I’m sorry this is happening to you.”

“It is what it is,” Felix manages, voice muffled by Jisung’s sweater. “Can we stop talking about this now?”

Chan is not at their table when Felix arrives, but the host seats him anyways with a smile. A waiter brings by a glass of water and asks if Felix would like a drink, but he shakes his head and declines politely. He’s probably not going to be here for very long. Jisung and Seungmin had stayed over and helped Felix get ready, and he’d been surprised he still owned clothes that were nice enough for a place like this. They’d tried to convince him to go for some other options (“Maybe he’ll change his mind?” Jisung had tried), but Felix had been okay with a simple black suit and white button down shirt. His goal wasn’t to win Chan back over, but to get through this evening in one piece. Jisung and Seungmin were at a bar a couple blocks down, so Felix just had survive having his heart broken and go meet them.

“Hey, Felix,” a familiar voice greets him, and Felix, deep in his thoughts, startles so violently he nearly tips out of the chair he’s in. He looks up to see Chan smiling wearily down at him. Chan looks breathtakingly handsome, because of course he does, having opted for a pink glen plaid blazer over his white button down and black dress pants. Seeing Chan in person brings a fresh wave of hurt over Felix, but he smiles as best as he can and stands up to greet Chan. The older man brings him in for a hug, but neither of their touches linger, and they break apart quickly and sit down. Neither of them mention how unfamiliar everything feels. “Thank you for meeting me. It’s really nice to see you.”

“You too,” Felix replies, keeping his voice steady. This is nothing like the I miss yous of days past when Chan had been gone for much less time. This is a conversation that Felix has with a stranger that he used to know in another life. Everything about this conversation screams foreign and Felix hates it.

“You bleached your hair,” Chan points out. He looks nervous. Felix internally scoffs. Just because he was resigned to the fact that he was about to be dumped didn’t mean a small part of him didn’t want it to suck just a little bit for Chan, too.

“Yeah.” There’s no further explanation, and they fall into an uneasy silence as the waiter comes by again to bring Chan his water. He offers Chan a drink as well, and Felix watches the way that Chan’s eyes notice Felix’s lack of one. Chan says no, and the waiter offers to give them some time with the menus before he steps away. Neither Chan nor Felix touches their menus. They’re inside this time, but they might as well be outside with how cold Felix is starting to feel. He wonders if he can just tell Chan he’s going to the bathroom and sneak off to meet Jisung and Seungmin now. That would mean he’d just be prolonging the inevitable, and Felix doesn’t want to keep having this hanging over his head so he remains seated, lips pressed in a tight line. He keeps his hands under the table so Chan can’t see how badly they’re shaking.

“This place is really nice—”

“You wanted to talk, so talk.” Felix only feels a tiny bit bad for cutting off Chan when the other man grimaces. He looks around the tiny private room they’d been sat in, as if looking for other people even though it’s just the two of them. It really is all about Chan’s reputation. Felix’s heart is pounding against his chest so hard he thinks it might burst momentarily. If Chan doesn’t hurry up and just say what he brought Felix here to say, Felix might suffocate at the hands of his own anxiety climbing up through his lungs.

“I’m sorry,” Chan starts, and he sounds so earnest that Felix has to bite down on the inside of his cheek to keep from immediately bursting into tears. He just needs to hold it together until Chan gets the words out, and then he can cry in the bathroom until Chan leaves or something. Maybe he’ll leave first and cry on the walk to meet Seungmin and Jisung, although that would leave him with messy makeup that would be impossible to get rid of before walking into the bar. “I really am, Felix, I’m sorry I asked for space away from you but I needed to sort out my thoughts. I want to tell you that you’ll always be one of my closest friends—” he goes to reach out for Felix’s hand before realizing that Felix’s hands are inaccessible, out of sight, and he clears his throat and awkwardly drops his hand back into his lap. “Um. And I never meant to hurt you.” The words come out in a rush, like they’d been rehearsed, and Chan had just been dying to get through that part of the script. Felix kind of feels like laughing. This is all so stupid, and his heart hurts so so much. It feels a lot like watching a car crash in slow motion except Felix and Chan are the cars but Felix is just as powerless to stop it. “I meant what I said, you remember, about how you’re my other half and I can’t imagine—”

“Stop it,” Felix grits out, his hands balling into fists so tight he think his nails might be cutting into his palms. “Bang Christopher Chan, you stop this shit right now.” Chan looks surprised, at Felix’s rare use of profanity, or at the use of Chan’s full government name, he’s not sure. His face drops once the shock disappears, and Felix sucks in a few more breaths of air before continuing on. “I can’t—I can’t just sit here and pretend this isn’t—pretend you’re not hurting me.” He hates how his voice wobbles, and Chan’s face morphs again, this time into a look of confusion. It makes a bit of anger simmer under Felix’s skin, because there is no way Chan is dense enough to think that this isn’t the equivalent of ripping Felix’s heart clean in two with his bare hands. “Please, I’m begging you, just say what you want to say and let me leave.”

“I don’t understand,” Chan whispers, looking as lost as Felix wishes he could be. “I know I hurt you by asking for space. I’m trying—I want to explain to you—”

“God, Chan, I don’t want to hear about whoever it is that you met, please—”

“It’s you!” Chan finally blurts out, throwing his hands up. The rest of Felix’s sentence disappears into thin air, because what? Chan exhales and keeps talking as if he’s afraid Felix is going to start talking over him again. “It’s you, Felix. I missed you so much when I first left for filming, and I felt like—just like I said, like I was missing my other half. I think I started to realize I loved you more than a friend should, and I got scared and then everything happened with Minho, and I was afraid you were so mad at me that I’d lose you forever and I didn’t know how to tell you everything so I just asked for space. So I could come back and do this properly. I’m in love with you, Felix, and I’m sorry if you don’t feel the same way but I couldn’t hide it from you anymore.” Felix opens his mouth to respond, and then closes it again. And then opens it, and it snaps closed. Felix doesn’t know what to say. He feels just as confused as Chan had looked earlier.

The waiter slides the door open, takes one look at their faces, and backs out again.

“I—I don’t know what to say,” Felix admits. Chan gives him a sad, understanding smile. “I—why wouldn’t I feel the same, Chan-hyung? I’m in love with you, too. Aren’t you here to break up with me?”

“You—in love with—you said that so matter-of-fact—break up?” Chan’s voice gets higher pitched, almost hysterical with each word he says. Felix doesn’t understand why Chan looks like this is brand new information to him. “I don’t understand, Felix, help me understand, please, how could we break up if we’re not dating?”

Not dating?

Felix really regrets not talking about labels with Chan the morning after Chan had confessed, or at least, he’d thought Chan had confessed because Felix feels really stupid for thinking they were dating when Chan clearly didn’t think that. “Um, yeah,” Felix says carefully. “I thought… you knew? That we were dating?”

“Since when?” Chan asks faintly. Felix winces. He considers lying, to save himself some of the embarrassment that he can feel flushing his face and making his neck feel warm. Although, probably if they’d been more open and honest a long time ago, they wouldn’t be sitting here having this weird conversation, so it’s probably for the best that Felix is just honest with him.

“I don’t actually know,” he admits, directing his gaze to the table so he doesn’t have to see Chan’s face when he admits he’d been so deluded he’d just assumed they were dating one day. “After we had that conversation, the one you keep referring to, I assumed that was your way of acknowledging our feelings and nothing really changed, and when I thought about it, we were already basically… being domestically involved, so it was kind of hard to pinpoint a start.”

“Oh,” Chan exhales. Neither of them speak for a minute, taking in the information that’s been presented. “I’m so sorry, Felix, I really had no idea.” A thought crosses Felix’s mind, and his eyes snap up to Chan’s, so quickly that Chan flinches.

“But you apologized about Lee Know!” Felix points out. He doesn’t mean to sound accusatory but at this point he’s really looking for any sign that he wasn’t ridiculous enough to completely fabricate a six-month long relationship. Honestly, what other reason would Chan have to apologize for?

“Because you have a huge crush on him?” Chan says, blinking rapidly at Felix. “I thought you were mad because I almost slept with your celebrity crush?”

“Hyung,” Felix says, his jaw dropping. “Hyung, I wouldn’t react like that over a celebrity crush, come on.” Chan’s eyes are so wide, he looks like an owl. Felix would laugh if this conversation wasn’t so horrifying. Chan’s face contorts, and he gasps.

“Felix—you thought I almost cheated on you?” He looks horrified at the sheer thought, and Felix cringes. This whole thing is a mess. They’re a mess. “Oh my God, Felix, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. That must have—you must have thought—and then I asked for… space?” Felix nods mutely as Chan puts all the pieces together. “Let me get this straight,” Chan says, “you thought we were dating, and then from your perspective, you thought I almost cheated on you, and then asked for space and so you thought I was thinking about… about how I didn’t want to be with you and that I was coming here to break up with you when in actuality, I was having one long extended crisis about how I was going to come home and ask you to start dating me.” When Chan says it out loud, it sounds so stupid and so much like something that could have been easily avoided if either of them had communicated just a little bit more. Felix wants to redo the last six months of his life just to save them from all of the pain and confusion they’d put themselves through.

“Pretty much.” They fall silent again, mulling over the conversation. This night has definitely not gone the way Felix had expected it to in the slightest. His head feels like it’s swimming, but mostly with good things. He does feel a huge sense of relief lifted off of him now that he’s definitely not being broken up with. Which apparently was never going to happen in the first place given they were apparently never dating in the first place.

“So...” Chan starts, then stops, looking very uncertain of himself. “In case you missed it, I’m in love with you, Felix.” Felix can’t help the relieved, elated laugh that bubbles up from him. Chan genuinely smiles at the sound, his dimples appearing and the tension leaving his shoulders.

“I’m in love with you, too, Chan-hyung. Have been for years.”

“Years…?” Chan’s smile doesn’t fade, but his cheeks blush a little bit. “Years…wow, Sunshine, I have a lot of catching up to do. I hope you’ll let me do it as… your boyfriend?” He sounds a little unsure at the end, like there was even ever really a chance that Felix would have ever said no to that question coming from him.

“Yes,” Felix agrees immediately, nodding. “Yes, as my boyfriend.”

“Can I kiss you now?” Chan asks quickly, like Felix might change his mind. Felix wants to laugh at him, because Chan is going to have to quickly learn that he’s stuck with Felix and that he won’t ever change his mind. The urge to laugh is unequivocally overpowered by his desire to let Chan kiss him stupid, like he’s been waiting for for months. Really, for years. Felix nods again, and Chan is out of his seat like a rocket, striding across the table and taking Felix’s face in his hands like he’s holding something precious. His eyes search Felix’s face for any sign of refusal, but he’ll find none when it comes to Felix. Felix tilts his head up just so Chan will get the hint. The older man bends down and connects their lips together, kissing Felix so gently that Felix thinks he might have died and gone to heaven. The smell of Chan’s so-familiar shampoo and cologne clouds Felix’s senses, Chan’s hands on Felix’s face bringing nothing but warmth and fuzziness, and the feeling of Chan’s full lips on Felix’s own making everything in the room disappear but the two of them.

They separate eventually, because they are still technically in public. Chan looks as dazed as Felix feels. The two of them stay in place, taking in the other’s presence, and then Chan’s lips turn up into a smile as he reaches out to carefully a lock of hair behind Felix’s ear.

“Just so we’re both on the same page, this means we’re dating now.”

“Hyung!”

“What the fuck,” Seungmin says flatly when Felix finally turns up at the bar, two hours later, smile wider then he thought his mouth could stretch. Jisung stares at Felix like he’s looking at a mythical creature. Felix had made sure he stopped by the bathroom before he and Chan left the restaurant, but there was nothing he could do about his kiss-swollen lips or the giant hickey Chan had sucked into his neck when he’d joined Felix in the bathroom. “Lee Felix, you have a lot of explaining to do.”

“Okay,” Felix shrugs, motioning toward the staircase of the bar. “But come on, my boyfriend is getting us a table.” Jisung and Seungmin look wary, but Felix grabs them both by the hand and drags them up from the barstool. “Let’s go!” He leads the way to the roped off area where Chan had told him to meet him, and sure enough, Chan is giving his card to the staff member and smiling at Felix.

“What is Chan-hyung doing here?” Jisung whispers to Seungmin.

“I have no idea,” Seungmin replies, but he still sounds as disapproving as when Felix first found them. Felix pays them no mind and pulls them through past the bouncer and over to the table Chan’s sitting at. He slides onto the couch next to Chan, and Chan immediately leans down to press a quick kiss to Felix’s mouth before pulling him closer with an arm around his shoulders. Jisung and Seungmin sit on the other side, Jisung looking between the two of them suspiciously and Seungmin scowling very obviously at Chan. “I don’t like you, Chan-ssi.” He speaks to Chan, crossing his arms and leaning back into the couch. Jisung whacks him on the arm, but Seungmin’s scowl only deepens.

“Minnie!” Felix chastises, but Chan waves him off.

“It’s okay, baby.” Felix barely contains the squeak that almost comes out of him at the new petname. “I probably owe your friends an explanation.” Surprisingly, he’s not looking but at Seungmin but at Jisung, who sinks defeatedly into the couch. Felix tilts his head in confusion. “See, I was a little confused when I ran into Jisung-ah yesterday, and he not so subtly threatened to burn my house down. Which he clearly didn’t think through, since we live in the same apartment.”

“I wouldn’t have done it when Yongbok was home,” Jisung grumbles, but does not deny the conversation.

Chan laughs. “It’s okay, Sungie. I know you were just looking out for Felix.” Jisung offers a weak smile back, but Seungmin still looks he’s debating the best way to take out Chan. Felix elbows Chan so he’ll get on with explaining sooner rather than later so they can stop Seungmin’s train of thought before it goes on too far. So Chan explains the entire situation in a much more condensed way than it had taken Felix and Chan to figure everything out. Jisung and Seungmin look a lot less defensive when Chan finishes speaking.

“Wow, you guys are really dumb,” Seungmin says, breaking the shocked silence between himself and Jisung. “For the record, I still don’t trust you,” he points at Chan with a hard gaze, but looks at Felix tucked contently into Chan’s side and his eyes soften just a bit, “but you seem genuine. Finally. So fine, don’t hurt our Felix or I will allow Jisung to burn your house down while Felix is a very safe distance away and no one will ever recover your body. Do you understand.”

Chan doesn’t even blink.

“I understand.”

“Good,” Seungmin says, dropping his finger and giving Chan a somewhat genuine smile. “Then I look forward to getting to know you better, hyung.”

Later, when the bar starts closing down and Felix is pleasantly tipsy, Chan goes to pay the bill (but not before giving Felix another kiss, he swears he’s making up for at least six months of lost time) and Felix drops his head onto Seungmin’s shoulder. His friend reaches up to ruffle Felix’s hair, and Jisung drunkenly whines about being left out, so Felix reaches out to hold Jisung’s hand.

“Did you mean what you said? About him being genuine?” Felix asks Seungmin. It had been sitting in the back of his mind, waiting for a private moment to be able to ask. Maybe if he’d listened to them the first time, he would have caught on to the part where he and Chan weren’t dating and would have saved himself the embarrassment of having to tell Chan that he thought they were.

“I do,” Seungmin replies, patting Felix’s hair back down from where he messed it up. “I see it now, he really does care about you.”

“Does he look at me the same way I look at him?” Felix knows the way Chan looks at him now, had caught him staring a couple of times throughout the evening. Chan looks at him with so much adoration in his eyes that it makes Felix’s breath catch each time their eyes lock. But he wants to hear Seungmin confirm it.

“No,” Seungmin says. Felix can see Chan starting to make his way back to their group so they can all leave. “No, not the same. I told you, you look at him like he’s the only person on the planet. Chan-hyung looks at you like you’re the sun his planet is revolving around.”

When Chan and Felix finally stumble through their apartment door, Felix hands him the package that had arrived for him the day before. Chan finishes dropping his luggage in a heap on the ground before looking at the label and handing it right back to Felix. Felix looks down at the package in his hands, and then up at Chan questioningly. Chan smiles back at him encouragingly, shedding his coat and sitting down on the couch and waiting. Felix blinks once, and then twice, and then opens the box.

Inside are two pairs of matching red and white plaid pajamas. Felix looks over at Chan, who reaches out to take the box out of Felix’s hands so he can hold them instead. “Merry Christmas, little one,” Chan says, leaning in until his breath mingles with Felix’s. “I thought we could wear them together on Christmas morning.”

Felix surges up to connect his lips with Chan’s.

There’s a lot more last-minute purchases Felix will drag Chan out to make with him, but it seems like Felix will get his picture-perfect Christmas with his boyfriend after all.

Notes:

this is so crazy how i disappear for months at a time but this time i come back and drop two fics??? this one was also supposed to be under 10k words but also very much got away from me. took me almost thirteen hours but i got the idea right when i finished the other one and had to jump on it because my heart was craving fluffy chanlix and there was no cure but to sit down and write this whole entire thing. please enjoy, let me know if this scratched the chanlix itch in your brain like it did mine <3

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