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It's amazing what a child's mind is capable of. A sad fact that it could get so bad one's mind would have to go so far, but it was amazing to see it could manage something like that. At least, that was one way to look at it. To try and make a positive out of the hell.
Ryouma didn't know much. It was to be expected. But, he could remember the first time he ever met someone else who was in his head.
He had only been maybe 10 or so when this had happened. He had been crying in his small little room in the cursed child development place. It had been another horrible day of being forced into experiments.
"Don't cry. It's okay." A voice had spoken, startling the young child.
Ryouma looked around the room, but didn't see anyone. He was scared to speak. They weren't meant to make noise. He would get yelled at if he did.
"You can talk to me like if you were thinking. I think? That's what we do." The voice continued.
'Like I'm thinking?' Ryouma replied in his head.
"Yeah! Uh... I know I wasn't supposed to talk to you but... you were so sad."
'Who are you?'
"I'm you! I think. I'm confused to. There's a few of us that live here. But, I can't tell you. He'll get mad at me."
'Like... my consciousness?' Ryouma questioned. He had gotten his hands on a lot of medical books. That was something he had read about before.
"Maybe?"
'Do you... have a name?'
"Yeah, but... I don't know if I'm allowed to tell you."
Ryouma had no idea what to think about any of this. There were other people in his head? How come he never knew until now? Why was there someone trying to keep it a secret from him?
Why did it seem like he was missing so much about this? They were all interacting with each other but yet he wasn't allowed to?
It was then Ryouma finally realized he never could remember the actual experiments, just feel the residual emotions.
...
As time went on, Ryouma learned more. He figured out what exactly was going on. It wasn't something he liked, but he had to live with it.
Dissociative Identity Disorder
That was what he had found to describe his issue. There were other people, so to speak, living in his head with him. They were all pieces of the same consciousness, just fractured apart.
The part he had met back then vanished not long after. Ryouma always wondered if it was because they had told him things when he wasn't meant to know. It did feel like things got worse once he found out. His memory certainly seemed worse. Or maybe now that he knew amnesia was a big part of this he simply was able to see when he forgot things easier? It was hard to say.
Ryouma was grateful that he wasn't the one chosen to remember the bad parts of this life. He still had the ability to recall the emotions at times, but the actual events were something he couldn't bring to his mind. If he thought about it too hard, he got a bad headache and often he would come back to reality to see that hours had passed. He figured it was better to just stop digging into it at that point.
He still had little idea about the others. He was never allowed to interact with them. No matter how hard he tried to reach out, no one responded to him. He only knew that they were still there because there were many time things happened that he definitely did not remember doing.
Ryouma hoped one day he could actually get to know these others. He assumed they weren't talking to him because it wasn't safe to do so. They were all still stuck in this hell with their abusers. It made sense, as much as he wished he could know more. This was being done to protect him.
It was hard to deal with knowing all of this when he had no access to anything. Was he even technically Ryouma? What if that was someone else? Though... he could just go with it since he was the one who was forced to do the daily life stuff. At least, as far as he could tell that was what he did.
...
Ryouma finally had access to some aspects of the others when they had finally escaped from the cycle of abuse. They were free from those horrible scientists and their experiments. They still worked for the company, but at least this time no one should try to harm them again.
It was weird referring to himself in the plural, but it was the truth. They were running this body together, not just him. He was considered the host. The one who was to do the daily life chores and not have to handle the horrors of what had happened to this body.
Ryouma kept the same name as the body. While there was no such thing as an original, he did still closely identify with the body. It was easy to keep the appearance up. He got to be himself and the rest of the alters had to deal with it. That was the agreement.
There were a lot of them in the system, but Ryouma only knew about 10. He wasn't given much access to the inner workings of the brain. He was stuck just existing and then not existing when he wasn't running the body. Alters talked of an innerworld, but he didn't seem to be able to get in there himself.
This was a secret kept under heavy lock and key. Ryouma was terrified to even think of telling anyone about this. Because saying he was a system meant acknowledging that he had been severely traumatized as a child. That meant unwanted prying potentially by the one being told. Ryouma didn't want to be questioned. He didn't know anything specific.
Sometimes he wondered if any other children that survived had this disorder too. And sometimes he even dared to wonder if his abusers had some role to play in making sure he did develop this disorder.
...
The first time Ryouma ever considered telling someone was not long after he began working with Takatora. It was ironic that he wanted to tell the son of the man who brought all of this on him. But, for some reason, Ryouma felt like maybe Takatora would understand. Maybe he wouldn't treat him like a monster for the disorder he had?
Ryouma had heard people talk of his disorder in very negative light. How he was just a monster. Someone who was dangerous. Not someone who was just horribly traumatized and trying his best to survive.
In part those thoughts started because he maybe had a crush on him. Ryouma knew if any of the others found out he wanted to tell someone he would be yelled at. Maybe even barred from fronting for a while.
Ryouma knew Takatora could tell there was something off about him. He could only play off some things so well. Acting different, he was just in a mood. Perhaps a manic episode could explain it, but Ryouma didn't want to be seen that way either. As for forgetting things, he could only forget so much before there was concern over how bad his memory was.
It was only a matter of time before he was questioned by someone. Ryouma had no idea how he would ever play it off if concerns were raised that highly. And if anyone was going to figure it out, it was Takatora. Especially as they grew closer. Especially when they became a thing.
Ryouma had been warned by one of the protectors of the system to stay out of a relationship with Takatora, but he didn't listen. He didn't initiate it. Takatora had asked him out. Why didn't he deserve some happiness? If he was the one who had to run this body all the time, then he got to choose who he wanted to date. And that choice was Takatora, everyone else's opinions be damned.
"Ryouma."
"Hmm? Is there a problem, Takatora? You don't normally visit me without warning."
"I wanted to talk to you in private."
"About what?"
Ryouma tried his best to not seem nervous. He always hated when someone wanted to talk in private. Always feared it would finally be the conversation that he dreaded. And this time, his fears came true.
"Are you okay? Your lack of memory concerns me. How can you not recall any of the meeting from yesterday?" Takatora questioned in concern.
It wasn't me. That was the answer. Ryouma just didn't know if he could say that. Would he be thrown from the front if he dared answer honestly.
"I have a memory problem. I thought that was obvious. It's not something I can help." Ryouma said, hoping that somehow that would be enough of an explanation.
"I've never met someone with this bad of a memory problem before though."
"I..." Ryouma hesitated. "I um... have something called dissociative amnesia."
"I've never heard of that before. What causes it, if you don't mind telling me." Takatora asked. He seemed curious.
This was where Ryouma had no idea what to do. Did he explain? Could he bend the truth? Leave out the whole multiple people in his head part?
"It's caused by PTSD." It wasn't technically a lie. That was part of it.
"You..." Takatora's eyes widened in even more concern. "Ryouma?"
He had dug his grave too deep. He just admitted to being traumatized. There was no going back now.
"I... yeah..." Ryouma mumbled, looking down at the ground. "It's... not something I disclose to people, obviously. I mean, I don't remember anything about it, I just know it happened. The trauma. I can remember the feelings but not the events. Even then it's questionable."
He was only allowed to feel so much. If he got too emotional someone would come into the front and steal his feelings from him. Leave him with nothing but a numb feeling. He wasn't meant to know about their trauma. Unfortunately, he was aware enough that there was no hiding all of it from him.
"Is this why sometimes you act differently? Is it a response to some sort of trigger?" Takatora asked.
Ryouma was surprised he even knew that much about PTSD. It made him more confident that he could disclose everything. But, would the others in the system be okay with that? Takatora deserved to know at least something. They were dating for the love of God. He deserved to know a bit about what the hell was going on with his boyfriend.
"Yeah. My brain is quite overreactive at times to such small things. I actually have C-PTSD. So, it's a bit worse than what you're probably familiar with."
"You... went through a lot then."
"I did."
"Do you... want to talk about it? You said you never disclose this to anyone so... have you been keeping all of this bottled up?" Takatora asked. He seemed genuinely concerned by that fact.
"I... it's really hard to explain. I don't know how to talk about it when I don't even remember the events." Ryouma replied. It was the truth, after all. He didn't remember anything specific.
"You can just talk about your struggles navigating that, if you want. I'm willing to listen."
"Why?" Ryouma said without even thinking.
He wasn't used to anyone caring about him. The people that seemed to had always hurt him. He never was able to believe someone cared until now. But why did Takatora care? Was he really that important?
"Because you're my closest friend, and my partner, and it worries me to see you like this. I want to help you." Takatora replied.
"Then..." Ryouma took a deep breath. "The full truth is I have something called Dissociative Identity Disorder. Have you ever heard of it before?"
Takatora nodded, his look of concern growing. "I have..."
"I... I went through hell as a kid. I can't tell you anything but... I basically went through torture." Ryouma was careful with his words. He didn't want someone else to think he was saying too much and pull him from the front.
"Ryouma..." Takatora gave him a sympathetic look.
"So that's why I act strangely sometimes. Other alters front to deal with things they don't want me to. And the whole memory issue is that I'm not the one who was there."
"I see... how can I help you with this?" Takatora asked.
Ryouma's eyes widened at the offer. "You... want to help me? You don't think... badly of me for this?"
"No? Why would I?"
"Because a lot of people make this disorder out to be something evil when I'm just a traumatized kid trying to get through life..."
"You're not evil."
"Thank you..."
"So, what can I do to help you with this?"
"Um... no one wants to be seen as an individual for safety reasons. So just keep referring to us as Ryouma. Uh, just act like it's normal when I act weird. Don't let anyone else know about this. And just be patient with the whole memory issue stuff. I get it's frustrating but... I can't help it and when people get mad it makes me worse." Ryouma answered. "If you're ever unsure just ask me, I guess. I've never uh, told anyone about this so... I'm also winging it."
"So are you Ryouma or someone else?"
"I identify as the body. So, yes, I am Ryouma. I'm the one you're dating, if that was what you were asking."
"I see." Takatora nodded. "I'll do my best to help you with this. I promise."
"Thank you..." Ryouma cracked a smile, but then it quickly faded. "Um... one more thing..."
"Yes?"
Ryouma took in a nervous few breaths. "There are some... alters who are quite... bad. But like, to the system, not to other people. At least, that I am aware of. If you ever notice behavior that seems like it could end in harm to the body... it's one of them. I... we haven't found a good trigger to get someone in front to stop them so um..."
"I'll keep an eye out. I promise. Do you intend to try and have me stop them or do I just mitigate as little as possible?" Takatora replied.
"If you can somehow get someone else to take over please try. Or at the minimum make sure they can't cause harm..." Ryouma tugged up a sleeve of his coat. "They've gotten the body good many times before."
Takatora's eyes widened at the sight. Ryouma's arm was littered in cuts. They ranged from small to almost deadly.
"I... I'm so sorry you have to deal with that..." Takatora whispered. "Why do they... do that? Do you know?"
"They're mostly trauma holders. It's... the memories they hold are too much and... they just want to stop existing, the rest of us be damned."
"I see... do you... have any alters that are evil or is that completely wrong?"
"We... do? I think. I'm not really allowed to know much but I've overheard talks about some pretty messed up alters. Actually um... this is gonna make everything sound even worse but I think our abusers may have intentionally created this system and well... they made some alters who will do really bad things if we step out of line." Ryouma said quietly.
"That's... possible?" Takatora seemed concerned and also angry at the thought.
"Yeah. You can mold a mind if you know what you're doing..." Ryouma nodded.
"I... I don't know what to say."
"I know it's a lot... and like I said, I'm probably the worst one to be talking to. I was created to just be the normal one who knows nothing."
"Well... if you do start finding more out or anyone else wants to tell me, I'm here to listen." Takatora stated.
"They might tell you to not tell me what they say." Ryouma warned. "Can you handle knowing what we went through and keeping a secret from me?"
"I... I can." Takatora promised. "I want to keep you safe so if it means keeping your trauma a secret, I'll do it."
"Thank you..." Ryouma smiled. "I'm glad I finally can have someone support me..."
He just hoped things would turn out okay. He knew there were reasons to not tell people. He knew the warnings that he had been given. If Takatora dug too deep himself, it might cause harm for the both of them. But, Ryouma was certain he could do this. He wasn't losing the first person that could support him as he was so easily. They would navigate the ups and downs of this mess together.
And maybe one day the rest of the system might actually be comfortable enough to exist as their own people. Ryouma knew they all hid behind a mask due to the trauma they went through. Maybe one day they could work through it and get to all exist as they want instead of being forced to act as one person. It would be nice. They deserved a chance to be themselves after the hell they had bee through as a kid.