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Over the time since they had met, Tatsuo and Masayoshi had become quite close. They shared a lot together: drinks, food, space, and time. They argued. Took some time away from each other. It never lasted. Not even a day later they’d be going about their lives as though the argument never happened.
Whenever they had free time, it was spent with the other. Didn’t matter whether or not it was 2pm or 2am, they always found time for each other. If someone wanted to find Masayoshi, they knew it was Tatsuo’s number they needed to call. Whenever someone needed Tatsuo, Masayoshi’s phone would buzz to life. More often than not, the detective would find himself in Tatsuo’s apartment, tucked away from the streets of Kineicho and enjoying the company of the baseball player.
Another thing they always shared was secrets. That was the biggest one. There were no secrets between the pair. Whatever was on their mind, they said - with no holds barred. There was only one secret. One that Tatsuo held close to his chest. No one else knew it.
He was open about his sexuality from the start. He knew that Masayoshi would accept it - what surprised him was the casual “Oh, yeah. Me too,” that he got in response. Tatsuo wasn’t expecting him to just nonchalantly drop that kind of information. Maybe it was because Masayoshi wasn’t as open of a person as Tatsuo was. Still, he felt happy knowing that Masayoshi trusted him with that information.
It had been months since then.
Today was a day like any other - Masayoshi had texted him, asking if he wanted to hang out in a little while after he was finished with work. Tatsuo’s enthusiastic “Of course!!!” was the last message sent between the two of them. That was a few hours ago, so Tatsuo knew that soon, the detective would come knocking at his door. Maybe I should get him a spare key, he wondered to himself from his futon. Having just woken up from a nap, Tatsuo was surprised to feel a twinge of anxiety settle at the bottom of his stomach. Well, the anxiety wasn’t a surprise - just the fact that it was near immediate.
He knew why he was nervous, of course. After months of this secret gnawing away at his conscience, Tatsuo decided it was finally time to air out his dirty laundry. After months and months of feeling guilty about not being honest, he had enough.
Before Tatsuo could get himself worked up over it the characteristic knock of Masayoshi at his door startled him, prompting him out of bed as he let in his guest.
“Ma-chan!” Tatsuo greeted his best friend, wrapping his arms around the shorter man with a bright smile before stepping aside to let him in. There was that uncomfortable feeling again. Like a bag of rocks settling down in his stomach as though it wanted to knock Tatsuo off his feet. He ignored it as best he could. “Sorry about the mess, hehe…”
Masayoshi simply rolled his eyes as he stepped inside, placing down a bag on the little coffee table. “You know I’m the last person to care about that, Ta-chan. I got some drinks and that on my way over. Figured you probably haven’t eaten yet today,” he explained, Tatsuo’s stomach answering for him as it grumbled. A light pink dusted Tatsuo’s face as he let out an embarrassed laugh and rubbed at the back of his neck. It wasn’t a lie - the last time he ate was yesterday evening, when Masayoshi had come to visit.
“Thank you!” Tatsuo sat down at the coffee table - with Masayoshi following behind - as he took out a can of beer and took a nice, long sip from it. “Ma-chan… You know how we can tell each other anything, right?”
The question caught Masayoshi off guard a little, an eyebrow raised in a silent inquiry as he settled himself down on the floor. “Yeah? What’s up?”
“Well…” Tatsuo felt as though his throat was going to close up any second, his nerves getting to him as he tried desperately to steel himself. His heart felt like it was going a million miles an hour, drumming against his ribcage with such ferocity that he was sure it was audible. Clammy hands dried themselves off against the blue denim of his jeans, and the way that Masayoshi was looking at him - now suddenly worried by the startling display of panic - was really, really, not helping. “The- The thing is…”
Masayoshi was a patient man. He never once rushed Tatsuo, instead taking out his own drink to wet his lips with. The detective had never seen his best friend so nervous, and it worried him. Still, there would be no use trying to push Tatsuo to speak. He would, in due time. When he was ready.
“I- Um. I like you, Ma-chan.” This was it, Tatsuo thought. This would be what finally killed him. Not the cigarettes, the alcohol, or the constant scuffles he found himself in. No, instead it would be this: Tatsuo finally trying to tell Masayoshi exactly how he felt about him. It was now or never. The guilt was eating him alive after spending day in and day out pretending like he didn’t want to hold Masayoshi’s hand. Didn’t want to kiss him, to run his fingers through his hair, to tell him how whenever they were alone, all Tatsuo could see was him. His every thought was consumed with Masayoshi, and he couldn’t keep that secret anymore.
“Uh… Yeah, I should hope so? I wouldn’t wanna be spending my time with someone who didn’t even like me,” Masayoshi replied incredulously, giving Tatsuo a weird look. One that was meant to say “This is what you’re all worked up for? Seriously? ” Tatsuo couldn’t stand it.
“No! I mean- Yeah, I like you as a friend , but… I want you to be my boyfriend, too.” He couldn’t look him in the eye. He felt sick. He needed Masayoshi to say something, right fucking now, before he passed out.
The only sound was Masayoshi’s can being placed on the wood of the coffee table. The silence that came after was deafening - so much so that Tatsuo decided that silence would forever be his least favourite sound.
“Oh.”
Oh? What was that supposed to mean?!
“Look, Ta-chan. I think you’re great, really, I do! It’s just… I don’t feel the same way.”
Fuck.
Tatsuo had fucked everything up. Of course Masayoshi wouldn’t return his feelings. Why would he? As far as anyone else was concerned, Tatsuo was just a lazy good-for-nothing who wrote smut for a living. It shouldn’t have been a surprise to him. Rejection was the obvious answer. Tatsuo would have turned himself down too, if he was in Masayoshi’s shoes.
“Shit, don’t cry, Ta-chan-,” Masayoshi frowned, reaching over the table and wiping away a rogue tear that had fallen down Tatsuo’s cheek. He hadn’t even realised that he’d started crying. “Look, this isn’t me completely taking the chance off the table, okay? It’s just that right now, I don’t feel that way towards you. It would have been cruel of me to say yes, even if it made you happy. We can still be friends.”
Friends. They couldn’t just go back to being friends after this, and the both of them knew that. There’d always be that awkward undertone, where Tatsuo’s afraid to cross boundaries, and Masayoshi’s afraid that he’s feeding Tatsuo a lie. For now, maybe it would be better if they just took a break from each other.
“P-Please leave,” Tatsuo mumbled, sniffling as he frantically rubbed away at any other tears that threatened to fall. He hated that fact about him. People would always call him sensitive, say he wore his heart on his sleeve. Some days, that felt like the furthest thing from the truth. Right now, though, it couldn’t have been more accurate.
“Huh?”
“I… I said leave, Masayoshi. I just- I wanna be alone for a while. Please .”
Silence filled the air once more, the uncomfortable atmosphere almost tangible. If Tatsuo had never opened his stupid fucking mouth, none of this would have happened. The next sound he heard was the shuffling of clothes, signalling Masayoshi’s movement as he stood up. “Okay. If that’s what you want.”
Despite taking care to close the door quietly, the sound felt as though it was going to rupture Tatsuo’s eardrums. Not so much as a goodbye. No hug, like usual. Just Tatsuo left in his suddenly too big apartment wishing that for once, he’d kept this secret to himself.