Chapter Text
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Sirius was going to spew all over the Black lake.
It most assuredly would not be his first time, but he had thought that those days were behind him. Aging does not guarantee maturity, it would seem. Remus would never let him live this down.
He stood perched on the shore of a dark, glossy lake, bent over and clutching his knees for dear life while his panting breath billowed from his mouth as chilled fog. Thick black hair spilled into his eyes as he struggled to suck in icy deep breaths to quell his rabid heart. Water lapped gently on his mud-crusted boots.
“I’d forgotten how impressively fast you run in dog-form when sozzled.”
Upon hearing the very familiar voice, Sirius’ eyes closed and he groaned. A heavy and hollow stone dropped to his stomach just like the way Peter had once sunk to the bottom of this lake. He didn’t need to turn to know that his best friend was approaching his side. When the sound of trainers squelching into muck ceased, Sirius dragged his face slowly towards James.
James stood before him, wild hair tangled and tousled, face red and blotchy from the bitter air. One of his dark brow's were raised and his lips were pulled upwards in mild amusement.
Sirius rolled his eyes at the sight of James and drove a hand through his mid-length hair.
“How did you even find me?” he grumbled, his gaze averting from James and back to his fractured reflection in the water.
James crossed his arms and tilted his head. “Firstly, you left me an entire trail of paw prints to follow, and secondly, this is the spot where we spent most of our time when we were outside at Hogwarts. Honestly, it was a bit obvious-–I thought you’d choose a more creative spot to chunder two full bottles of fire whisky.”
Sirius barked a hearty laugh and stood up straight, stuffing his frozen fingers into the pockets of his denim jacket. He glanced over his shoulder behind where he and James stood, towards the familiar beech tree that was currently shadowy in the predawn pale grey light.
“I honestly didn’t realize I ended up here. Must have moved completely out of habit.”
His face paled. As the adrenalin tapered off, a heaviness settled on his chest. Rolling his shoulders, he shrugged off that sensation.
James gave him a small, sad smile and clapped Sirius on the shoulder. “Let’s sit down. I’ll get a fire going before we both freeze to death here. I doubt Dumbledore would be pleased to find two of his Order members dead when the sun comes up.”
Sirius snorted and trailed behind James, his boots sinking into the watery sludge as he trekked towards the beech tree.
“He’d be more upset that we decided to go and die on Hogwarts property than anything else,” Sirius countered and James huffed in amusement as he knelt down to the cool, prickly dark grass beneath the tree. As Sirius plopped beside him, James pulled his wand out from the small holster attached to the leg of his jeans.
A frown pulled at Sirius’ lips and his brows knitted together as he observed his best friend conjure bluebell flames. James had fled from the Hog’s Head and followed Sirius out into the arctic tundra that was Scottish November in nothing but a plaid button-down shirt and jeans. His glasses were fogged, and his skin was raw and reddened. A pang burned Sirius’ eyes, quickly accompanied with a twisting sensation in his gut.
“I’m not going to talk about it,” Sirius warned him, crossing his arms tightly around his chest and cocking his brow pointedly.
“Didn’t expect you to,” James replied, his concentrated stare breaking only briefly to meet Sirius’ stony countenance. Blue flames erupted from James’ wand and hovered before them, crackling and warming their fingers.
Sirius sighed and rolled his eyes but some of the tension released in his muscles. He pulled his knees to his chest and looked over his shoulder to observe the grey-purple silhouette of Hogwarts castle looming behind them. Despite the ungodly hour, several glowing lights were flickering throughout the castle windows.
“Remember when you used to get up around this time to watch me practice?” James asked, flashing Sirius a toothy grin. “Such a dedicated best mate.”
Sirius’ lip tugged upwards into a grin, his pale grey eyes flashing, thoroughly entertained. “If we’re being honest, I was mainly trying to fuck Marly.”
“That's what we're calling it, eh?” James teased, “Not that things have changed much,” he quipped, arching a suggestive brow, which earned him a scathing glower from Sirius. Despite the murderous glare, James playfully bumped a scowling Sirius in the shoulder. Sirius gripped the spiky grass, swallowing hard.
The two sat in silence for a long moment. Sirius peered at James--half-expecting him to push him to speak, but James stayed quiet as he watched the blue licking flames. Exhaling a relenting breath, his tense shoulders eased.
“I don’t know why I took off like that…” he began carefully, keeping his stare trained to his fingers fidgeting with the laces of his boots. His throat burned. “I just…suddenly stopped remembering how to breathe and there were so many people watching me…” he pressed his fingers to his eyes, heat flushing to his neck. “I don’t understand why I reacted that way…”
“Your brother died, Sirius,” James replied gently.
Sirius’ hardened eyes flicked towards James, brow furrowed and jaw ticking. “He was a Death Eater. One way or another, this was always going to be his fate. He chose this.”
“Maybe, but he was also your eighteen-year-old little brother. Who you found out was dead on your birthday,” James shrugged. “Him being a Death Eater doesn’t change any of those things.”
Sirius sighed exasperatedly and dropped his jaw to his knees, arms wrapped around his legs.
“Regulus and I stopped having a relationship a long time ago. It makes no sense that I panicked like that when I found out that he’s gone."
James pushed his slipping glasses higher up on the bridge of his nose and placed a firm, supportive hand on Sirius’ shoulder.
“I think it makes all the sense in the world.”
Sirius' gaze drifted out towards the lake where daylight was near-bursting at the horizon, splattering the hazy grey predawn sky with striking pink. In this war there was the Order of the Phoenix and there were the Death Eaters. And Regulus had chosen his side--the wrong side. But the heaviness in his chest was trying to tell him something.
Perhaps he just didn't want to know what it meant.
Because perhaps his brother's death was more complicated, after all.
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