Work Text:
Standing in the front of the mirror, Suki smiled taking in the woman reflected back at her. Dark eyes twinkled in a face softened and lined with age; evidence of smiles and laughter; of pain and sorrow; of a life she’d been able to live. For so long she’d avoided looking at herself. Back when she’d kept so many things hidden; pretending to be someone she wasn’t; could never be. But that had been a lifetime ago. The intervening years had passed the blink of an eye; she only wished she had a thousand more to live.
She straightened the blue dress, enjoying the feel of the soft material on her body. She’d owned many variations of this dress over the years. After her wife had expressed a particular fondness for it during one of their many late-night conversations. It had always been a special time for them; as darkness fell and the sky sparkled with stars they’d come to find each other. Stories of their day told, worries shared, dreams bought to life. They would wrap arms around each other to draw comfort; to know of the love and safety that life had finally afforded them both. And the dress. Well once it had been ripped from her body, and she’d not been able to resist purchasing a replacement, nor the subsequent replacements that followed, not when she’d seen how Eve’s eyes had lit up at the sight of her.
Slowly she turned, making her way into what had once been their guest bedroom. The room in which so many members of their family had stayed over the years. It had been the place where Davinder had relaxed during his breaks from university; where Charli had hidden herself away following her first heartbreak, where Vinny had taken refuge with his baby daughter after the death of his wife. It had been there that Nikita had taken her first steps in to Eve’s waiting arms, and where Suki had realised that for all of that good that life had given them; there was always something waiting in the wings to snatch away her joy.
“Hello my darling,” She paints on a bright smile as she steps in to the room. They had decorated it together, just as they’d done the rest of the house. She’d adored the house from the moment they’d first viewed it, but as they’d slowly transformed it in to a home her love had grown. Each room a reflection of them. Her wife lies on the bed, eyes unfocused. Fingers resting on the blanket draped over her legs.
“Do you know what day it is today?” It hurts to see her like this. After so long, she’d thought that perhaps the pain would ease but if anything, it seems to hit more acutely each time. She sees the minute changes; the little signs of deterioration and she knows that the sands of time run low. She settles herself on the edge of the bed and takes hold of one of the hands she knows so well.
“Eighteen years ago, my love, you found me at the tube station,” It feels like a dream to think back on it; like something out of those soppy romantic films that Eve had always teased her for watching, and which would always leave tears glistening in Eve’s eyes. It had been a running joke between them; how the films didn’t quite live up to what they had experienced themselves. Eve would jokingly try and act out the part of the love interest, and Suki would always dissolve into laughter; and then Eve would pretend to be hurt at receiving such a reaction to her romantic gesture. Oh, how she would love to do that just one more time.
“It doesn’t feel like eighteen minutes ago really does it?” She rubs the skin on the top of Eve’s hand, bringing it up to place a gentle kiss there. There’s no reaction of course, but she still likes to think that somewhere deep-down Eve is still aware of her and her love. Vinny keeps telling her that perhaps it is time for Eve to move in to a care home, but it’s not an idea that Suki can entertain. She’d promised her wife that she would keep her here; that they would stay together until the end of her time.
“I told you that I would shout our love from the rooftops,” She smiles as she remembers that; how it had felt to take Eve’s hand in her own. To do so out in public; exposed to those passing by had felt impossible once upon a time. She’d never dreamed that it would be such a natural action; nor that no one would really take any notice of them. They were just there. A couple. Like millions of others in the world. Nothing special.
“I never quite managed to do that though did I love?” Whenever they’d had an argument, more of a disagreement really, it was something Eve would bring up with her trademark lopsided grin in place; a way to bring levity back to the situation. ‘Where was my declaration of love from the Vic’s roof?’ ‘How come you never climbed up on to the balcony of the Albert and screamed out your devotion to me?’ ‘I would’ve accepted skywriting of your adoration as an alternative’. She always varied the statement; sometimes getting more creative. But the truth was that neither of them really needed, nor wanted, that performative advertisement of their love. Instead, it was better expressed in the hundreds of little ways that just became a part of their daily lives; a strand of hair pushed out of the others face and a hand held. Arms wrapped around each other in an embrace, rocking to music only they could hear. Kisses: butterfly light or flaming with passion - they’d experienced it all and then some.
“I suppose proposing was the closest I came to it,” She’d agonised over the decision of how best to ‘pop the question’. She’d wanted something perfect, something to symbolise everything that they had been through together and how much stronger they were for it. In the end she’d chosen simplicity. A ring she’d fallen in love with, words from the depths of her heart and the woman she adored stood in front of her. She’d seen the tremble in Eve’s lips as she’d realised what was happening, and the joyous smile when she’d answered ‘Yes’.
“And nothing will ever beat our wedding day,” She’d been so fearful of the day going wrong and as if the world was determined to torment her, she’d woken to find the sky grey and cloud filled; threatening rain. She’d wanted the sun to shine on them; drenching their day in golden light; in warmth. It had been hard enough waking up alone. She’d grown used to waking with Eve by her side; to soft kisses placed before they readied themselves to face the day. The bed had felt too cold, too empty without her there.
“It really was perfect, wasn’t it?” In the end though, as she’d found herself at the start of the walkway and seen Eve waiting there, desperately trying to control her nervous energy, the suns rays had blessed them. And as Lily had walked a still unsteady Charli down towards Eve scattering rose petals as they went, a rainbow had graced the sky and Suki had almost laughed. The beauty and absurdity of mother nature’s gift to them. But then Vinny had taken her arm and escorted her down to her love while Arthur and Hope walked behind. Surrounding them were people she’d once kept at arm's length but were now part of her family; people who showered them with acceptance, with love.
“You learnt to waltz for me, but somehow we ended up being put to shame by the efforts of Freddie and Anna,” It had been funny though. How nervously Eve had told her about taking dance lessons to ensure that their first dance could be perfect, and how it had been when she’d started to twirl her around as their friends and family cheered. Hope and Arthur gleefully showering them with confetti. And then the youngsters had taken to the floor; and in a moment that had shocked everyone Freddie and Anna had danced as though they were professionals. Still Suki had enjoyed the performance, and how for a moment eyes had no longer been on her.
“And then we slipped away quietly as everyone continued to party; just you and me,” It had been the best way to end the day. The sound of festivities in the background as they’d returned home together. They’d wrapped themselves up in each other and swayed to the distant music. They held each other close, whispering of their love into the others ear. They said ‘I love you’ often. The words a constant refrain. She could hear those words echo in her mind even now. Even though it had been so long since they’d been spoken aloud to her.
“Because that was all we really needed wasn’t it … each other?” They didn’t speak often of what had happened. Her trauma still haunted her; it would always exist beneath her skin, but they’d worked hard together to start the process of healing. Therapy had helped, both individually and as a couple. It hadn’t been easy. There’d been days when her fuse had been short, or her emotions had overwhelmed her and she’d pushed Eve away. But Eve was there for her; prepared to step back when she needed it but there to catch her when she was ready. There was a push and pull. She’d learnt too how to be there for Eve on her difficult days. How to be there for someone you loved. How to let someone be there for you. The give and take of life and love. She wouldn’t change a single second of what they’d built together; though she selfishly longed for more. She should be grateful for the time they’d had, and she was, but they’d lost so many years to their separate pasts. It seemed cruel that their future had also been cut short.
“Although we were blessed with a beautiful family as well,” Eve had said to her many times that she’d always craved a family but never thought it was something she’d have. She’d said it with a tinge of humour, indicating herself as if that explained why she wasn’t deserving of a family around her. But Suki had seen through it; knowing it came from a place of hurt and rejection and instead of laughing with her, she’d instead recounted all of the good in Eve. All of the things that made her special; all the things that made Suki’s heart sing. It would always lead to a comment along the lines of ‘You mean you don’t just want me for my stunning good looks.’ It made Suki sad at times how little Eve often thought of herself, but then she tended to deflect in much the same way.
“The first time Hope called me auntie, I almost cried,” ‘you did cry you mean’ once upon a time Eve would’ve retorted with that but now she remains silent on the bed. There hadn’t been anything special about that day, not until that moment anyway. Even though she was Eve’s wife by that point, she sometimes still felt like an outsider in the Slater household. It could be so loud, chaotic and there were so many inside jokes that she didn’t quite understand. But she knew how much Eve loved her found family. They had given her something she’d not had for any of her adult life. But that day they’d just sat around talking, and then Hope had appeared with her school reading book and settled herself by Suki’s side and smiled shyly up at her before asking ‘can I read to you auntie Suki?’.
“But you did cry when Davinder asked you to show him how to dance ahead of prom,” It had taken time for Davinder to adapt to his new family dynamic. With everything that had happened with his Dadaji and father, the boy had struggled hard. He’d acted out for a time. Had fought against Eve more times than Suki liked to recall, but despite her tendency towards anger issues, Eve had always remained calm in the face of it. She’d met Davinder where he needed her. He learnt to respect her, and in time he’d grown to love her. He was still a frequent visitor to their home, though she knew it killed him to see Eve as she was now.
“And you adored Niki from the moment she was placed in your arms,” Considering how things had been with Vinny and Eve prior to the reunion, it amazed her how the relationship had developed afterwards. When Vinny had realised how much love existed between the pair of them and how much they supported each other, his acceptance had become something more. He’d been the cheerleader she needed. And in accepting her truth, he’d found something of himself as well. As though it was the push he needed to move from being a boy to a man. She’d been so happy when he’d met Hani, and she’d brought him such joy. He’d feared being a father; that he’d repeat the failings of his own dad, but she’d insisted that he was nothing like him. He was her son; not his.
“I don’t think we’d have got through that first year without you,” It had devastated them all when they’d been told Hani had cancer, when she’d been given the choice between starting treatment or carrying her pregnancy to term. Vinny had agonised over it; he’d fallen in love with his child from the moment he saw them on the ultrasound, but he adored Hani with every single atom. Hani never wavered though. She believed that treatment would fail regardless therefore her child deserved the chance. Vinny would have their daughter even if he didn’t have her. Nikita had been born at 35 weeks; tiny but fierce. But pregnancy had taken its toll on Hani, and she died when her daughter was barely six months old.
“Those tiny converse you used to buy her, always ensuring she had the next size up in reserve,” For as much as Eve adored Niki, the feeling was entirely mutual. For a child bought up entirely in London, the little girl had always had a northern lilt to her voice; something that had always bought a smile to the face of those around her. For Niki, Eve hung the stars. Their fridge had been constantly covered in artwork. The locket now resting on Eve’s table contains two tiny crayon portraits drawn so many years before. Slowly Suki picked it up, swallowing down the sob as she opened it up to look inside before resting it lightly on Eve’s palm.
“Do you remember her first word being Eve?” She looks deep into those unfocused eyes, longing to see understanding in them. Some flicker of something. Vinny had been somewhat insulted that it had been Eve that his daughter had said first. So many of her firsts being for Eve.
“She still tells our story all the time,” Niki had gone through a stage of not sleeping. They’d all been sleep deprived as they tried to battle against the strong-willed child, and her determination not to miss out on a single moment of life. So, Eve had started to tell her a fairytale about two princesses who fell in love, who eventually became queens who ruled the kingdom together. It was their story painted in bright rainbow tones. Their story hadn’t required a prince to rush in and save the day; no knights in shining armour. Just two women in love. A tale as old as time.
“You surprised me though teaching yourself to say Ika vāra dī gala hō and Khuśī nāla kadē bā'ada vica wanting to include both of our languages” The first attempts had been hesitant, Eve blushing as she’d stumbled over the words, wanting it to be perfect but struggling under the pressure. But for Suki it had brought a tear to her eye; to know that Eve had taken the time to do that. It wasn’t for Niki; she was still little more than a babe in arms babbling sounds but not yet ready for words. It touched Suki though every time Eve demonstrated her respect for her culture; how she seemed to relish learning something new. It had been her greatest fear losing that. The worst part of it all was knowing that was come.
“We really did have an amazing story didn’t we?” It became Niki’s favourite tale; repeated each night until they all had it memorised. Although the only person who could tell it exactly right was Eve. Until now that is; now it is Niki who tells it best. Niki who still believes in happily ever after; the good ones winning even against the invisible enemy inside her beloved Eve’s mind.
“She … it still ends happily ever after,” It had been so subtle at first the changes in Eve. Little things missed that they’d brushed off. Small slips. It was innocuous. She’d laughed about it in her usual way; shrugging it off as nothing. But then it had become bigger; less funny. She’d forget parts of the story, and laughing Niki would provide prompts until she recovered her place. Until that no longer worked. Until she lost more and more of herself.
“I love you, darling,” She leans forward and kisses Eve’s forehead. How she longs to hear those words from her lips again. She’d once lost herself, but she’d been lucky. The pieces had somehow slotted back together as she’d found the person she was supposed to be. She just wished there was some way of doing the same for Eve. She curls their hands together, the locket clasped between them.
“You're tired, aren’t you?” She looks at the face of the woman she loves. As familiar to her as her own, perhaps even more so. She has committed every single part of it to memory; to the very depths of her soul. It is imprinted in her heart. She rests her forehead against Eve’s as they had done so many times before; wishing she could transfer the memories from her own mind back in to Eve’s. Instead she has had to settle for painting their life together in technicolour words; hoping that it filters through and somewhere in her mind; her heart; her soul she feels them.
“You can sleep now love, I’m here,” She holds her tight. Bodies resting together.
“Sleep well,”