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Harry did a wrong thing, he shouldn’t have called Nick in the first place, but also he shouldn’t have said things he’s said… Deep in his heart he knew exactly what he meant and why he even called, but it wasn’t something he’s proud of now that he thinks of it. He knows he’s just being selfish, wanting Nick only to himself, even though he can’t have him, because it’s too late… well apparently it was always too late.
Right now he’s out with his friends from Cali. The thing is he doesn’t let himself drink too much, because when he does, embarrassing things happen. In his life he did a few mistakes, most of them were drinking with the wrong people. Night out and the next morning all tabloids got pictures of him puking or laying on someone’s lap.
Nick was the one who thought him who to drink with, turned out it was Nick himself… Nick didn’t tell this to Harry, Harry was the one who decided that he trusts him the most and he knows that Grimmy won’t sell his drunken photos for gossip magazines.
He remembers lazy afternoons when they laid on Nick’s couch, drinking wine, snogging to the rhythm of some indie band, it was perfect, he felt safe.
It’s not like he doesn’t trust Jeff or Glenne, or Xander, they just don’t know Nick and Harry doesn’t want them to feel sorry for him if he ever gets drunk and whines about his love life. Though today he doesn’t seem to give a fuck…
“Come on Harry” whines Jeff, already dizzy. They decided to go to the club for some drinks.
“Thanks mate, but I’ve had enough” says Harry, pulling the glass away from himself before he looses the nerve and drinks all of it.
“Let’s just get smashed, c’mon little Hershel” the thing with Jeff is that he is very persuasive and insisting, while Harry is really easy to persuade.
“Leave him J, our kid is just tired-“ Glenne comes out of nowhere, but Harry cuts her off.
“Actually… well okay, you’re right Azoff, let’s get pissed, I don’t care.” Big, big, big mistake Styles (again).
*
In the end he ends up drinking way too much tequila shots, but maybe it’s not even much, maybe he just has a weak head…
After alcohol everything seems to be a good idea, even the man standing in front of him. Harry tries to ignore the fact that his arms are not bony enough, his hair is not high enough and his jeans aren’t even skinny. They grind on each other, feeling lighter and lighter, hotter and hotter, until the man whispers something filthy into Harry’s ear and then they disappear from the club. Harry gives Jeff a wink and waves him goodbye before they get into a cab. He doesn’t even know why he takes this man to his, why isn’t he the one who visits...
They kiss hungrily the whole way to Harry’s house, and then they stumble to his bedroom. The problem is, that the man’s touch isn’t as gentle as Harry would like it to be, his moves are not precise enough and his moans don’t sound right, but something makes Harry do it anyway. He lets himself to be touched, to be held and he listens to the man’s breath.
*
He wakes up in the middle of the night feeling hot all over, he feels like he’s choking, then he remembers, then he feels the press of someone else’s body against him. He shakes his head and nervously stands up from the bed. “Oh no, no” he repeats in his head. He shakes the man’s arm and jumps a little when the man grumbles something under his breath. “What the f-“
“I- you, you need to go” Harry says, not knowing what else to do. “What time is it, what the hell-“ the man looks like he’s getting angry. “You need to leave now, I’m serious” Harry repeats, trying to collect the man’s clothes from the floor and give it to him.
After the man leaves, Harry just sits on his unmade bed and stares at the wall, suddenly he just bursts out crying like child, his body shaking and trembling like a leaf on the wind. Who has he become? What has his life become? His life is a mess and he can’t take it anymore, he just needs… him, he needs Nick, to hold him, to tell him that it’s going to be okay even though he knows nothing’s going to be okay.
“You can’t fuck it up, It won’t be worse than it already is” he thinks to himself before he grabs his phone and calls Nick… again.
He waits, one signal pass, two signals pass, five signals pass and then the voicemail turns on. “It’s Grimmmeeeh, live ya message babe” it says, Harry misses the way Nick called him babe.
“Um, I- hi Nick” he sniffles, trying to calm down. “I know I shouldn’t do it, and I-I know I shouldn’t have called you last week, but- ughh, you know why I did, you know me” he says, forcing a smile on his face, even though Nick won’t see it. “I miss you so fucking much, shit- I know it’s not something to tell you like this, but it-“ he cuts himself off, tries to collect his thoughts. “Nick I know we were never officially together or anything but-but you know I wanted us to be” tears dry on his face, it feels cold. “I slept with a man, who wasn’t you and fucking hated every single second of it Nick, I literally feel like something carved my heart out of my chest and stomped on it.” his voice cracks and another flow of tears comes ot. “I’m not really sure why I’m leaving this voicemail, you’re the only one who can comfort me Nick, and now my pillow doesn’t smell like you and I miss your stupid face” he says, suddenly feeling sleepy and tired. He doesn’t remember when he turns off his mobile, he just knows that calling Nick isn’t his strong side.
*
Nick doesn’t call back, probably he didn’t even listen to the voicemail, which is kinda good, because Harry feels less embarrassed.
Life in California goes on, Harry tries not to freeze every time something reminds him of Nick. He does yoga and he eats healthy. His break is suddenly three months long, and he feels emptier every day. Fortunately he’s occupied most of the time, he’s got some shoots, interviews, he goes to studio, working on his solo songs, and he also has his friends, who make him feel needed.
He goes shopping with Glenne, finding more and more floral shirts and sparkly boots. Him and Jeff watch car races every Saturday, he also spends some time with Xander who happened to be a really nice guy. Sometimes he even goes out with his yoga instructor, Jenny.
He’s got a routine, it lasts before he has to go to London, he has to go home, because California doesn’t feel like one.
He’s been avoiding his mum’s calls, knowing she’ll make him feel guilty for not coming over. He loves his family more than anything else, but coming back to London means being in the same city with Nick. It sounds childish but Harry can’t even imagine the feelings he’ll get while walking around, trying not to bump into Nick in the middle of the street.
*
The flight is longer than he remembers it to be, he feels sick the whole way, but it’s probably because of the stress.
It’s all worth it though, because smile on his mum’s face is priceless and unforgettable.
“Oh sweetie, I’ve missed you so bad. Look at you all grown-up and fit, proper man you’ve become” she says, wiping off the tears of happiness.
“Missed you to mum” he whispers, hugging her closely.
*
When he settles a bit he remembers how you can’t hide anything from your mum, mums know everything. They sit in silent, drinking tea when she asks him. “It’s about Nick, isn’t it?”
“Mum-“
“Just tell me Harry, do you think I’m stupid?”
“It’s not about Nick mum, not everything is about him” he tries.
“Not for me, no, but we talking you”
“Leave it-“
“You won’t leave him, so why would I leave the topic? My child is so heartbroken I can see it in his eyes and you expect me to just leave it? Harry dear… I know it’s hard, but he’s a good guy, I’ve talked to him while you were gone” she admits.
“What-“
“Just talk to him Harry, that’s all I’m asking for. One talk, then I’ll leave the topic” she says finally and disappears to her bedroom, leaving Harry speechless.
*
He can’t sleep at night, it kills him to think of what did his mum discussed with Nick, it kills him to think that now they’re in the same time-zones and Nick’s probably lying in his bed with Pig cuddled by his side. He probably smells cologne and lemon shower gel, and maybe crisps because it is Thursday aka Nick’s cheat day. God he misses him so bad.
He doesn’t even register the moment he stands up and puts his clothes on. He just fucking goes out, wearing only his skinny jeans and thin t-shirt. It’s the most blurry car ride of his life, then he stands at the front door of Nick’s flat, waiting for someone to let him in because it’s freezing outside.
“I’m coming!” he hears Nick, and it all comes to him almost crushing his bones, he’s doing it, he’s about to see- “H-Harry?” Nick’s eyes are so wide they look like they’re about to explode.
“I, um, can I- can I come in?” Harry says weakly.
“Shit, yes, yes, of course, shit” he opens the door.
The awkward silence kills them both, they stand in the middle of the living room, none of them knows what to do.
“I’ve listened to your voicemail.” Surprisingly Nick’s the one who starts.
“Oh.”
“Yeah-“
“I’m sorry, that was stupid-“
“No, no, Harry don’t say that” he sighs, looking tired and sad.
“But it was, I shouldn’t-“
“No Harry.” He says firmly. “I shouldn’t let you go in the first place” this catches Harry’s breath. “Fuck, Harry I’m so sorry, this all-“
“Nick I don’t understand, you just simply didn’t want me like this” his lower lip starts shaking.
“Love please don’t cry” Nick says, but these words actually make Harry cry. He’s not prepared when Nick hugs him tightly, kissing softly his head, God it feels good, he missed it. “It was just too much for me. Harry you expected me to have a closeted relationship with someone whom I loved” Harry tries not to cry out louder at this simple way of saying I loved you, does he still love him?
“No, Nick” he breathes. “I expected you to understand” Nick holds him even stronger.
“Yeah, yeah, I know it Harry, I’ve been- I am such an idiot”
“But I still love you” Harry admits and feels Nick’s heart race increases.
“Harry I've always wanted this, but I was too scared, please give us- give me second chance, let me work on it.” He begs, they can’t get enough of the touch, still holding closer onto each other.