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She knew she wasn’t supposed to be jealous. It was nothing new, the Colonel left early one night to go pick up his date. She’d seen it a million times before and would see it a million times again. But that was at least discreet.
She didn’t need to know about her superior officer's extracurricular activities, with women far more beautiful and elegant than she’d ever be. She could simply pretend he left for some other reason or was even out with one of his friends. She could lie to herself that way.
But the photo…
It all started almost eight months ago, when they first called off their affair, for the first time. He started to date, which stung but she wasn’t surprised by it. After all, he had a reputation to maintain and they both agreed to end it. It was wrong, he was her boss and with their future goals in mind, it wasn’t right. They needed to focus on that first. Their temporary lust came second to everything.
So she stomached watching him leave early each day and arrive at the office late the next morning, looking exhausted and his uniform slightly rumpled. And she knew it was multiple women based on the rumors about him in the hallways. His dating life was the worst-kept secret in all of Eastern Command.
She got used to it… mostly. Until the photos started popping up. It started a few weeks after they ended it. She’d been walking back from lunch and saw Havoc, Fuery, Breda, and Falman all huddled together as they passed a photo around. She approached them, confused about what could be more important than their paperwork. But then she heard Havoc say:
“Where does he even find a woman like this?”
She froze.
She knew it had to be Roy, after all, he was all that Eastern command could talk about at the moment. And somehow Havoc had gotten a photo of this mystery woman, or one of them at least, and was now passing it around to everyone.
She didn’t know what to do. All she wanted to do was rip the photo from their hands, tear it to shreds, and then go throw the pieces at the Colonel before chewing him out. She wanted to scream and fight with him. How could he be so casually cruel to her? Did she not even mean enough to him to hide his new affairs? Was she that worthless?
She’d been on a few dates, set up by Rebecca to try and help her get over this relationship she would barely say anything about, and had enough courtesy to not let him know. Had enough to not bring it into their workplace and keep it separate. But he didn’t care enough to do that. Did he want her to suffer?
But Havoc eventually saw her staring and everyone quickly got back to work. He kept the photo from her sight, which was good. She didn’t trust herself enough to see a photo of whatever girl he was sleeping with.
But that was months ago, a few weeks after that incident he showed up at her doorstep and they were in her bed not even a second later. At first, she thought it was good. Maybe they’d both be able to work out some rules or system for their dynamic. But that was a naive wish on her part.
Instead, it created a viciously painful cycle for both: he’d date around for a month or two, and maybe she would too. Then he’d show up on her doorstep, looking miserably pathetic without her and she let him in without a second thought. They’d continue their affair for a month or so until one of them ended it. Saying their goals and careers mattered more than any lustful desires. Then he was back out in the world, free to all the women of Amestris.
And every time they ended it there was always a new photo a few weeks later. To taunt her or just make her feel like shit she’d never know. But it was inevitable that she’d hear and see it with how everyone gossiped around Eastern command.
That was unless it was her he was seeing behind closed doors. Then there were no photos or whispers in the hallway, even if it wasn’t illegal she was sure it wouldn’t be any different. She was plain compared to all of the other women he dated. She was nothing to him but another warm body to spend the night with while he was the world to him.
It was a cruel and twisted joke from the universe, but who was she to decide what punishments the universe decided to give to her?
Typically after a new photo would surface she’d try experimenting herself. Finding any man or woman in bars to go home with just to see what it was like, vehemently lying to herself was to spite him. But no matter who it was or what they did to each other, nothing compared to him.
Him in her too small a bed that made it impossible to share so he’d sneak out after at 3 AM… that’s what she’d tell herself whenever he’d press a soft kiss to her cheek before closing her door. Leaving her alone in the dark with her thoughts and his phantom warmth beside her.
This time though it was different. She’d actually seen the photo for once instead of hearing about it through the grapevine of gossip. In fact, she'd gotten the photo from Hughes when he dropped by to visit the Colonel during an inspection. It was left next to a pile of papers he’d given her. She was confused, at first, but when she looked at Hughes he stared at her for a moment before looking away.
She didn’t know why Hughes would give it to her for two reasons.
One, their affair was on a need-to-know basis, with only them knowing. She hadn’t expected him to be dumb enough to tell anyone about them. But Hughes was different she supposed, he could’ve also figured it out himself. He wasn’t as dense as Havoc who didn’t seem to notice the glare she had whenever he was passing around a new photo to the other people in the office.
And secondly, why would he give her a photo of his new girlfriend or fling? After all, he was usually droning on about the Colonel settling down with someone. So he should be thrilled that if he was with anyone but her, anyone but the one person he wasn’t allowed to be with for more reasons than one.
But she wasn’t thinking too much about Hughes' mystery plans now, what she cared more about was studying the photo on the table. She’d become fixated on it, studying the differences and similarities between them both. It wasn’t healthy, she knew that, but she couldn't help but stare at whatever beautiful woman he managed to find after slumming it with her.
She took another sip of her tea before returning to the cursed image. She had beautiful blonde hair that came out in loose curls and framed her face, perfectly complimenting her long lashes and brown doe eyes as well. She knew it meant nothing that she had blonde hair and brown eyes. Both were common traits to have. But she felt a twinge of pride, that he had to find someone who resembled her somewhat. That he couldn’t escape her no matter what. Obviously ignoring how when she’d try to find a person to share her bed with she was hunting for black hair and matching black eyes.
However, it quickly faded when she thought about how she looked so much like her but wasn’t her. That was it, she wasn’t her. She didn’t have her body or a dark history etched and burned into her back. He could easily look and feel this person without having to think about their shared past or relive it every time he caressed her. He found a version of her that exceeded her in every capacity, no wonder he hadn’t been by for weeks, longer than their usual gap.
She felt jealousy bubble inside her, begging to be released. To find him and yell at him for not caring and moving on so quickly.
But she didn’t do that.
Instead, she grabbed the photo with more force than needed and moved to the stove. She quickly turned on a burner and stared down at the flame, slowly moving the photo to it until it was just a lick away from burning right in her hand.
She could do it, she could burn this awful memory and night. She could go in to work on Monday and feel just fine as she watched him look for the photo only to turn up empty-handed and confused. She could so easily do it. But she turned off the stove instead, crumpling the photo before throwing it into the trash.
She sighed and rubbed her temple. She was losing it. She needed to shower and get to bed. She still had to pack for their journey to Central for the State Alchemy exam-
Her thoughts were cut off by a key turning in her door. She froze, there was only one person who had a spare key. The one person she desperately wanted to see, but he was also the person who she was most mad at.
When the door opened he didn’t look at her, he just quickly entered and shut the door behind him. He turned toward the apartment and jumped, not expecting her to be standing at the end of the hallway.
“Hello,” he said, standing in the entryway rather lamely and awkwardly. Almost like he was waiting for her to invite him in with open arms.
And she hated the part of her that wanted to.
“Why are you here?” She tried to keep her voice as monotone and even as possible, though he could probably still hear any annoyance or pain that made it through.
“I…” he started but trailed off, they both knew any lie wouldn’t work. They’d played this game too many times now, exchanged too many excuses to even bother. They couldn’t lie to themselves anymore about why he’d come around this late. It was just easier to follow the movements and tell the truth.
She sighed, tucking her short hair behind her ear and walking back toward the tiny table she’d just been at. “Take your boots off before you sit down. I don’t like mud-“
“I know, you don’t have to remind me,” he said as he tugged off his coat and stepped out of his shoes while she went to grab him a spare mug.
He sat down as she poured him a cup of tea. She knew he didn’t like tea, it would just sit there untouched during their discussion. But it at least gave her something to do to delay the inevitable.
He mumbled a thanks as she sat back down. He stared at the liquid in the mug, running his finger along the rim to distract himself from her piercing gaze.
“Why are you here?” She asked again, though softer this time. “Shouldn’t you be out with your new girlfriend?”
“Which one?” He quipped back, a small smile on his lips while she bit her tongue.
She heard he’d been out with a few girls over the past week. He probably didn’t realize he was rubbing salt in the wound, or maybe he did. Maybe he wanted to make her upset and mad. Kick him out, like she should, into the cold night to walk home alone licking his wounds.
She should do that.
She should be mad at him.
She was mad… but not mad enough. And she didn’t think she could ever find it in herself to be that mad at him. Which was the worst thing.
He didn’t say anything for a while, trying to delay answering her question for as long as he could. She didn’t mind though, she just watched him as he played through each scenario in his head. He weighed his options like he was one move away from his king being in checkmate and he needed to get out fast.
“I…” he started before letting out a long sigh and finally meeting her eyes. “I can’t stop thinking about you.”
“Why, did you forget to do some paperwork and you’re worried about me scolding you?” She said, bringing her mug to her lips and taking a sip.
He didn’t say anything, just continued to stare at her. She knew what she needed to do. Kick him out and tell him to be at work on time.
But also…
“Alright,” she said as she stood up and started walking to her bedroom. “Let’s get this over-"
He quickly spun her around, pressing her against the wall next to her bedroom door as he pressed his lips to hers. She was too lost in the moment to remember to breathe. She couldn’t catch it until he moved his lips down her neck, feeling every searing kiss burn into her skin and make her feel more alive than she’d felt the past month without him.
God, we’re fucked.