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"I miss..." Jay buried his head in his hands."I miss it all so much."
"Miss what?" Heeseung asked, putting down a pint of beer before him. "Have you been seeing anyone after you broke up with Sunghoon?"
"I can't move on." Jay sighed
"It's been six months, Jay. I know it's hard, but it's time you get over him. Put yourself out there-" Jake started but was cut off by the other.
"No, I'm over Sunghoon. It's not that." Jay said, "I just really miss Gaeul." He sniffed
"Gaeul?" Heeseung raised an eyebrow, "Gaeul, as in Sunghoon's dog?"
"God, just saying her name brings tears to my eyes." Jay shook his head
"Dude, you're not already drunk, are you?" Heeseung asked, making eye contact with Jake, who made a face.
"No, I just really miss, Gaeul." Jay took a sip of his beer, "Any time I see a puppy, I think of her. I thought I could brush it off but every Friday evening I think of her because when we were dating, Sunghoon would leave her with me and go to the rink cause she was afraid to be alone in the dark."
"Then, when we started living together, Gaeul and I would always cuddle on the couch waiting for Sunghoon to get back home. God, I miss cuddling with her."
"You sound psychotic, I hope you realise that." Jake pointed out
"I just miss Gaeul! What's psychotic about that."
"Is this your way of saying you miss Sunghoon?" Heeseung questioned
"No, I don't care about him anymore." Jay scoffed."I'm over him."
"I'm over him!" He repeated louder and took a big swig of his beer.
Jay's friends met eyes again, unsure of what to do about this problem.
"Don't you miss, Layla, Jake?" Jay asked
"Yes, but I don't think you missing Gaeul is the same as-"
"And don't you miss Dongshik, Heeseung hyung?" Jay turned to the older
"Dongshik?" Jake questioned, not having heard of the name.
"That one cat I posted about after our cat café date." Heeseung clarified, "Yes, I miss him, but again, you missing Gaeul is not the same as me missing Dongshik."
"How is it different?" Jay scoffed
"Well, for one, the pets we miss aren't tied to our exes," Jake said
"You wouldn't get it." Jay sighed, "You don't know the pain of having to part ways with a precious pet all because of an ex."
"He definitely pre-gamed or something." Heeseung murmured to Jake. The Australian scoffed, rolling his eyes.
"Maybe you should have thought about how much you'd 'miss Gaeul' before breaking up with Sunghoon," Jake said, only to be elbowed by Heeseung.
"I regret it now." Jay said, "maybe. "
"Just maybe..."
Jake and Heeseung looked at each other and back at Jay, anticipating his next words.
"Maybe I should have considered that I'd never see Gaeul again before breaking up with Sunghoon."
Jay's friends deflated
"I wonder if I can get custody of Gaeul." Jay thought out loud, taking another sip of his beer.
"Did he take edibles?" Heeseung questioned Jake
"Maybe he hit his head somewhere." Jake theorised
"Guys, I'm sober and have no head injuries." Jay clarified, "Is it that hard for you to grasp that I miss my ex' dog?"
"Repeat that sentence one more time, and you tell me if you sound sane." Heeseung said
Jay sighed and dropped his head against the table.
"Would Sunghoon mind if I go see Gaeul?" Jay pouted
"Would Sunghoon mind that the love of his life who broke up with him for seemingly no apparent reason is at his doorstep to see his dog?" Jake pondered, "I don't see a problem with it."
Jake glared
"Look, we had our reasons to go our separate ways. It wouldn't have worked out." Jay sighed
"At least admit you miss him instead of saying shit about missing his dog." Heeseung rolled his eyes
"I'm not lying about missing Gaeul, though." Jay said
Jake groaned in frustration
"Let's go to the dance floor before I end up saying or doing something I regret." He said and pulled Heeseung with him, leaving Jay alone with his thoughts and a half pint of beer.
He was being earnest about his feelings. He truly believed it was best that he went his separate ways with Sunghoon.
He also truly did miss Gaeul. Jay pulled out his phone and looked at the time; 9:30 pm. Sunghoon would be home in about half an hour. He wondered if Gaeul was alright in the dark without her owner or his (ex) boyfriend's company.
Maybe he should go find out for himself.
__________
Sunghoon curled up under his sheets, trying to shield himself from the chill. Gaeul had been dropped off at his parents' place in time for Sunghoon's practice session at the rink, but due to some issues at the venue, he had to miss practice. He'd compensate tomorrow.
For now, he lay in bed, home usually quiet, thinking about a certain someone whose constant yapping brought so much light to his dull home.
It had been half a year, yet Sunghoon was still just as hung up on Jay as he had been when they first broke up with some half-assed reason.
It shattered Sunghoon's heart that he wasn't even worth an explanation. It didn't help that they were part of the same friend group as well. Movie nights became awkward and painful until the friend group split in two and Sunghoon, unable to take it all consumed himself wholly in his figure skating, devoting little time to his friends.
He lacked the motivation Jay offered him by showing up to every one of his competitions flowers or plushies in hand. Instead, figure skating became his coping mechanism to escape thoughts of Jay.
Six months later, Sunghoon was still picking up pieces of his shattered heart, unable to glue them together in any permanent way.
His phone pinged.
Sunghoon ignored it, knowing it was probably Jungwon or Sunoo inviting him to movie night with them and Riki. Sunghoon would refuse like he does most days.
He closed his eyes. Maybe sleep will release him from the thoughts of Jay that plagued his mind.
The doorbell rang, prompting Sunghoon to open his eyes. Sunghoon looked at his wall clock.
Who was here so late?
Sunghoon wrapped himself up in his blanket and dragged his feet over to the door, and looked out through the small peephole.
What the fuck?
Sunghoon pulled the door open with force, not believing his eyes. Jay was on the other side looking nervous.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" Sunghoon questioned Jay with a glare
"You're home." Jay said, soft. No doubt regretting his choices
"Where else would I be?" Sunghoon raised an eyebrow
"Right. Of course, you'd be home." Jay bit his lip, awkward
"A better question is what are you doing here?" Sunghoon asked, leaning against the door, arms crossed.
Jay looked away. He suddenly felt silly for impulsively coming here.
"I, um..." Jay trailed out, trying not to look at Sunghoon's questioning gaze, "I guess I just- I miss..."
Sunghoon's heart picked up pace.
"I missed Gaeul."
It fell
"You miss Gaeulie?" Sunghoon asked, "You came all the way here because you miss Gaeul?"
"It's Friday. Remember when you'd leave Gaeul with me when you're off to practice?" Jay said
"And you miss Gaeul because of that?" Sunghoon asked
Jay nodded
"Jay," Sunghoon said disapprovingly. Jay's heart skipped a beat, not having heard his ex say his name in quite some time. "Are you drunk?"
"I'm tipsy, not drunk." Jay said
Sunghoon sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Go home, Jay." Sunghoon said, "I'm not in the mood."
"Can I at least see Gaeul?"
"She's not here right now. She's at my mom's place."
"Why is she-"
"I don't want to talk to you, Jay." Sunghoon said, "Please leave."
Jay was about to walk away dejected but stopped.
"It's been so long," he said and paused, turning back around to face Sunghoon who looked away from him. Eyes downcast, trying to seem disinterested.
Sunghoon was always good at hiding his emotions.
"You weren't at paintball last week. The guys really missed you." Jay started a conversation.
"Forgive me for not wanting to be in the same room as my ex." Sunghoon quipped in return.
"That's valid." Jay said, with pursed lips.
A short, awkward silence descended between them.
"Do you think it can go back to how it used to be?"
"How it used to be?" Sunghoon blinked, "What? Do you want to get back together or something?"
"No, I just mean... we used to be best friends, Sunghoon. Can't we go back to that?" Jay asked
"Go back to being best friends?" Sunghoon chuckled dryly, "After three years together? After we said I love you to each other? You want us to go back to being best friends after you broke up with me and refused to give me an explanation?"
"I'm sorry, hoon. I just-"
"Don't!" Sunghoon said, "Just go, Jay. You came here for Gaeul and she's not here. So just go home."
"The whole missing Gaeul thing was obviously an excuse! I miss you Sunghoon. I wanted to see you again." Jay said
"You've seen me." Sunghoon pointed to himself, "Now go!"
"Hoonhoon~" Jay whined
"Don't call me that!"
"Please! Can we just talk?"
"You had all the time to explain yourself. I'm not in the mood to listen anymore."
"I won't take long, I just-" Jay held Sunghoon's hand as he was about to walk back into his apartment and slam the door in Jay's face.
"I still love you." Jay said
Sunghoon froze
"Then why did you-"
Jay fell into Sunghoon's arms.
"Jay?"
Light snores vibrated off of Sunghoon's neck.
"Dick!" Sunghoon mumbled to himself and took a moment to relish the feeling of Jay by his side before he snapped out of it, stomping on Jay's feet.
"Ow!" Jay fell to his knees and nursed his poor foot. "What did you do that for?"
"I know you were faking!" Sunghoon revealed, "I taught you that trick!"
"Was just taking a page out of your Pick Me 101 guide." Jay said
"So not only did you show up at my house in the dead of the night demanding to see my dog, but you're also insulting me?" Sunghoon scoffed
"It worked out for me though!" Jay said sprinting into Sunghoon's house
"What the fuck? Jay get out!" Sunghoon ran in after Jay.
"This used to be my house too!" Jay yelled back and threw himself on the couch
"Why are you making my life hell?" Sunghoon asked, resigning to his fate
"That's not my intention. I just really want to make things right with you and finally explain myself to you."
"It's too late to explain yourself." Sunghoon said, "And you're drunk. I don't think you should even be here in the first place."
"You know I don't get drunk that easily." Jay said, patting the space on the sofa next to him.
Sunghoon chose to stand.
"Jay, please. I really don't want to see you right now. Not in our- my home, not on my couch." Sunghoon said
"I love you, Sunghoon." Jay blurted out, "I'm still so deeply in love with you and I know I fucked up but please just let me explain myself."
Sunghoon refused to look at him, eyes shifting. He wanted an explanation but Jay was six months too late.
"Please leave, Jay." Sunghoon said again shakily.
Jay conceded, getting up with a heavy sigh. His eyes lingered on Sunghoon who wouldn't dare to look at him.
"I'm sorry, hoon." Jay said resisting the urge to reach over and pull his ex into his embrace. Sunghoon's hugs were warm, and he missed that warmth.
"I'll leave," Jay said walking past Sunghoon who stayed rooted to the doorway. Their shoulders brushed, and Sunghoon tried to ignore the stinging in the heart.
He didn't want Jay to leave.
Jay's footsteps were fading away.
Wait
"Jay, wait!"
The footsteps halted.
"You said you still love me," Sunghoon said, "so why did you break up with me?"
Jay turned around to see Sunghoon faced away from him, hugging himself and making him as small as possible. Jay had witnessed Sunghoon like this many times before his competitions but this time it was his fault.
"Sunghoon," Jay called out wanting to pull the younger into his arms but the other stepped away from him, putting distance between them.
"Give me your explanation." Sunghoon said instead, eyes downcast and his bangs shielding his teary eyes from Jay's view. He knew Sunghoon never liked showing weakness.
"I fucked up," Jay started, "I should have just come and talked to you about it but I thought I'd save you the choice by making the decision myself but I only hurt you more."
"What choice?" Sunghoon was looking at him now, confused.
It was time he came clean
"I heard you talking to Jungwon about how if it came down to it you'd give up figure skating for me." Jay admitted.
"You were going to Bejieng for that special training programme but you were concerned that you wouldn't have time for me." Jay continued
"So you broke up with me over a one-year training programme?"
"It's more than that! I heard you'd skip practices to come see me. To go on dates, to be with me. I didn't want you to give up any of your dreams because of me. I didn't want you to fail because of me." Jay said
Sunghoon stared at Jay for a ming moment, shocked and then his face morphed into something akin to anger.
"So you chose for me?" Sunghoon asked
"Only because I didn't want you to give up something you love." Jay said hoping Sunghoon would understand his rationale.
Only, Jay's explanation fueled Sunghoon's anger further.
"Jay, I've been miserable the past six months." Sunghoon admitted, "After you broke up with me, it seemed like nothing else mattered anymore."
"I'm sorry-"
"Loving you or choosing figure skating, that choice was mine to make." Sunghoon said, "You had no right to choose for me."
"I truly am sorry Sunghoon." Jay apologised
"Do you even fucking realise how much it fucking hurt when you broke up with me for seemingly no reason at all? Do you know how much that hurt?" Sunghoon was on the verge of breaking and Jay could only watch, flabbergasted as the sacrifice he thought he made for his lover's good only hurt him.
"When I lost you, I lost everything and you didn't even bother to give me an explanation when you left! I thought I was worthless to you!"
"No! Sunghoon, you're my entire world!" Jay was quick to deny
"Why didn't you just fucking talk to me?" Sunghoon asked him.
"I was afraid." Jay admitted, "I was afraid that if I talked to you, you'd realise that I was holding you back and you'd leave me."
"I thought it would be easier for both of us if I simply left you alone." Jay said
"Easier," Sunghoon scoffed, "and how did that work out for us? Six months later you're knocking at my door at 1 am, and I was just about to cry myself to sleep on what used to be your side of the bed."
"We're idiots," Jay said
"You're an idiot." Sunghoon corrected
"I guess I am." Jay smiled bitterly. "I'm sorry, I'll go now."
"I don't have to show you to the door." Sunghoon said
"You don't." Jay said, taking a moment to look at his ex. Sunghoon stared right back but all too soon reality hit him and he shuffled past the other to get to the door, taking in the look of disappointment on Sunghoon's face.
"See you around." Jay said
"I hope not." Sunghoon responded
Jay was taking his sweet time with the door, not wanting to leave. Sunghoon's disappointed gaze was haunting his mind.
He didn't to mess this up again a second time. This was his chance to act.
He turned around much to Sunghoon's surprise and stalked over towards the other.
"What are you-" Sunghoon asked confused by the close proximity.
"I know I fucked up but I still love you, Sunghoon and my feelings for you have never changed. In fact, over the last few months, they've only grown. I miss you so much and I hope you can forgive me." Jay said
"What are you trying to say?" Sunghoon blinked
"You're my one and only so please will you be my boyfriend again?" Jay asked
Sunghoon didn't answer. Jay looked at him pleadingly, heart beating faster with every moment of silence that passed.
Instead of giving him an answer, Sunghoon leaned in and captured Jay's lips in his. Jay was quick to reciprocate, holding Sunghoon close like he'd longed for six whole months. Jay finally felt like he was at home.
Sunghoon pulled away too soon, Jay chasing after his lover's soft lips but the other chuckled, eyes fluttering open and looking back at him with so much warmth. The warmth that Jay missed.
"Take me to that nice Italian place we went to for our one-year anniversary, and I'll maybe think about being your boyfriend again." Sunghoon joked
"So you only love me for my money?" Jay played along.
"Be glad I still love you after you showed up at my house missing my dog." Sunghoon said
"So you still love me!" Jay smirked
"Just shut up and kiss me." Sunghoon rolled his eyes.
"Gladly," Jay said, closing the gap.