Archive of Our Own

The moment they were alone in the locker room, Kevin had wheeled on Neil but Neil was ready for it, his arms already crossed, his gaze steady.

“What the fuck did I say about hiding injuries?” Kevin snarled.

“Not to.” Neil said.

“You were pathetic today, favouring your left side and fumbling with so many foundational skills!”

“And what about you?” Neil asked.

Kevin stared at him.

“You’ve been the one favouring your left leg all day.” Neil said. “I was just mirroring what you were doing. I wanted to see if you’re so self entitled that you would confront me about it when it’s you who should be chewed out for not looking after yourself. I guess you are.”

“I’m fine.” Kevin’s voice was low, his fists clenched.

“And yet I’m not allowed to use those two words either. You’re a real piece of work, you know that Kevin Day? A real hypocrite too. I know you haven’t told Coach Wymack about your fall.”

“I’m fine.” Kevin repeated. “And I didn’t fall.”

“No,” Neil allowed. “You were pushed down a fucking flight of stairs. You should have never gone on the court, not without Abby checking you out first.”

“If you say another goddamn word I’ll-“

“You’ll what?” Neil challenged.

Months ago, he would have never even considered talking to Kevin like this, not just because of how Andrew might react but because Kevin himself wasn’t one to be messed with but Neil had found that the only thing that ever got to Kevin was not backing down from him whenever he got angry. And, if Neil was being honest, he was pretty fucking pissed that Kevin had been hurt at all but he was beyond pissed that he went onto the court anyway.

“I’m waiting.” Neil said after nearly a whole minute of silence.

“I…” Kevin tried. “I think I’m going to faint.”

Neil had barely registered the words before Kevin was falling forward and in his rush to catch Kevin, Neil landed hard on the ground with Kevin’s entire weight laying on top of him.

Neil’s first instinct was to shove Kevin off of him and run but he squashed that down, reminding himself that this was Kevin. Neil was not going to abandon him, not now and not ever and especially not when Kevin’s eyes were closed, his entire body limp.

The tattoo on his cheek seemed ever bolder against his pale face and when Neil readjusted Kevin so that he was laying on the ground and not on Neil, Kevin’s head tilted to the side.

“Help!” Neil called loudly.

Neil pressed two fingers up against Kevin’s throat, his own heart thundering when he didn’t feel anything for a second. Then Neil tried a slightly different angle and he was rewarded with a faint, but definitely there, heartbeat.

Kevin’s eyes fluttered. They were barely open for a moment before Kevin was vaulting up and Neil barely managed to drag him back down to the ground before he could collapse again.

“Stay down you idiot!” Neil snapped.

For a moment Kevin thrashed against him but Neil held him tightly. Kevin stiffened, terrified eyes meeting Neil’s own.

“Neil?” Kevin croaked.

“Yeah, it’s me.”

“I…”

Kevin looked around, taking in the empty locker room. Though Neil thought he might try to stand again, Kevin obediently stayed where he was and if anything that concerned Neil more. It was like the fight had drained out of him and instead of Neil restraining him, Kevin was clutching tightly on Neil’s arm.

“Where’s Riko?”

“He was never here.” Neil said. “Are you alright?”

It was obvious that he wasn’t but Kevin still nodded on instinct.

He swallowed roughly.

“Riko wasn’t here.” Neil promised. “We’re at the Foxhole Court. We were training.”

Kevin nodded again, a little more steady.

“I remember.” He whispered.

Kevin jolted as the door slammed open, a panicked Nicky coming in followed closely by a less panicked and more confused Aaron. Andrew was not with them and Neil found that he was glad. He wasn’t exactly sure if Andrew would somehow think that Kevin passing out had somehow been Neil’s fault and he really didn’t feel like being smashed up against the lockers and threatened.

“We heard a yell,” Nicky said, gasping as if he’d run hard to get here. “What happened?”

Nicky stared at the two of them on the ground, Kevin in Neil’s lap, one hand tightly holding onto Neil’s arm.

“Nothing.” Kevin huffed, shoving Neil away from him.

Kevin stood up but he staggered forward. In an instant, Neil was supporting him again but this time Kevin managed to stay on his feet, if only just.

“Aaron,” Nicky barked. “Get Coach.”

Despite his seeming apathy to seeing Kevin on the ground when he had walked in, Aaron now shot off down the hallway leaving just the three of them. Kevin tried to shove off Neil again but he was at the same time clinging to him and Neil realised that he was probably the only thing keeping Kevin upright.

Kevin was shaking, from the strain of standing or from the anger at his own weakness Neil didn’t know.

Nicky came fully towards them now, eyes flicking between them as if trying to work out what had happened and what he could do to fix it.

“Kevin,” Nicky said.

Kevin shot him a glare but it had no effect because he immediately gagged.

Neil guided Kevin back down to the ground again as Kevin lurched. He didn’t bring up anything, not yet, but Neil didn’t trust that that mercy would last very long. Even on the ground, Kevin’s shaking fist was tightly holding Neil’s shirt and while the close contact was a little uncomfortable, Neil didn’t force the hand away.

They heard Coach Wymack before they saw him, both from his thundering footsteps and from him already cussing Kevin out.

“Is this why you were favouring your left side all of practice?” Coach Wymack demanded.

Kevin’s panicked eyes flicked up to Coach Wymack and Neil was surprised by the unguarded expression.

“What? You think I wouldn’t notice? You’re dumber than I thought. So, Kevin, what the ever living fuck is wrong with you this time?”

“I’m fine.” Kevin ground out.

Neil was still annoyed that Kevin was allowed to say those two words and he wasn’t but then Kevin was lurching forward with another gag and this one was actually successful. Nicky scrambled back a few steps from the sick but Neil found himself staring at it instead.

Kevin was too busy trying to settle his stomach to notice what Neil had but Coach Wymack was already on his phone. It wasn’t vomit, not really, but blood.

For a moment Neil could feel sand beneath his feet and smell burning flesh. He shoved away the memory, reminding himself that while his mother was dead and gone Kevin was right here with him and Kevin needed him.

Kevin snapped up at the mention of an ambulance and when he looked straight at Neil with those wide eyes, Neil felt the desperate need to protect Kevin.

“I…” Kevin tried. “I can’t.”

“Look,” Neil said. “I don’t like hospitals any more than you do but you just threw up blood, Kevin. That’s a hospital level thing.”

Kevin’s attention flicked to the red sick on the ground. His face paled a little more and Kevin gave off a quiet whine.

“I can’t.” Kevin said again. “Riko, he’ll… He’ll find out. He’ll come for me.”

“Kevin.” Neil said hotly. “Andrew will handle Riko.”

Kevin was shaking his head but that seemed to make everything worse because he retched again, bringing up more blood. Kevin was breathing too quick, a tear sliding down his face as he stared at the red on the ground.
“He will.” Neil insisted. “Do you really think Andrew will let anyone touch what’s his?”

It felt a little weird to ease Kevin’s fears of Riko’s possessiveness with the promise of Andrew’s own but when Kevin shook his head again some of the tension melted away from his shoulders.

“Exactly.” Neil said. “Let Riko come if he wants to, Andrew will beat his ass before he even steps foot in the building.”

Kevin gave off a pitiful groan but he didn’t fight against Neil’s words. His remaining energy drained from him and Kevin slumped up against Neil. His eyes were still open but barely, his breathing no longer quick but slowing almost instantly and it scared the fuck out of Neil.

During practice, Kevin had been off in his movements but even then Neil hadn’t realised the true extent of this. He had thought that maybe Kevin just had a sore leg or something, or a bruised rib from his fall down the stairs the day before.

Realisation dawned on Neil, a cold realisation that made him feel ill. There would be bruises, under Kevin’s shirt. Dark bruises because when Kevin had been pushed, his foot slipping on the top of the stairwell, he had slammed into the banister before he had rolled weirdly. Kevin had already landed hard on the bottom before Neil could reach him but it wasn’t the bottom that had hurt him so badly, it had been the banister.

Kevin’s right leg was probably sore, sure, but it was his stomach that had taken the brunt of the damage.

Nicky had begun pacing at some point, running hands through his hair as if desperate to help but not knowing what he could possibly do and Neil hated him then, truely and completely.

Coach Wymack was unflinching as always, updating 911 of Kevin’s condition and when Neil felt Wymack’s gaze on him, he dimly realised that Wymack was talking to him.

“What?” Neil asked, not knowing why his voice was cracking.

“What’s the Kevin’s pulse like?”

Neil shifted, hating when Kevin whined from the movement and pressed two fingers back on Kevin’s throat. He tried to count but he kept losing track, distracted by how Kevin kept leaning ever heavier into Neil.

“Uh,” Neil said.

He half expected Coach Wymack to storm over and take Kevin’s pulse himself, cursing Neil out all the way but he didn’t.

“Take your time.” Wymack snapped instead. “Nicky, time for thirty seconds. Neil, all I want you to do is count.”

Glad to have something to do, Nicky poured all of his focus on his watch while Neil obediently counted. After the thirty seconds, Wymack asked again about Kevin’s pulse and when they doubled the number, Wymack relayed the result over the phone.

Kevin shifted in Neil’s arms, tired eyes flicking up to him.

“Practice tonight…” Kevin said, his voice weak.

“I know, I know,” Neil said. “Raven’s drills then your drills.”

When Kevin gave Neil one of his rare genuine smiles, Neil found that his chest was all of a sudden warm. It was probably just from Kevin’s body heat and when Neil brushed away some hair from Kevin’s face, it was only to check if he had a fever, nothing more.

“Coach,” Neil said. “He’s burning up."

Kevin lent heavier into Neil’s chest.

He was barely conscious, whatever internal bleeding he had from the hitting banister only aggravated by training. Kevin’s breathing was more off than ever and it was almost like he wasn’t getting in enough air, wheezing weakly.

Kevin’s eyes threatened to close but Neil rocked him and they snapped back open, Kevin arching in pain.

“Sorry,” Neil said, not sorry at all. “But you have to stay awake.”

“Fuck you.” Kevin whispered.

Neil barely noticed when Wymack sent Nicky out to flag down the paramedics, focused solely on keeping Kevin awake. It was getting harder, even asking about Exy scores from other schools was barely getting a mumbled reply.

He was weakening, with every passing second he was weakening and while Neil had seen people die the idea that Kevin was dying sent a chill down his spine. It was stupid and naive, Neil could hardly keep Kevin alive if his injuries were so serious, and yet he suddenly wished he could take Kevin’s pain as his own.

The hand gripping on Neil’s arm was loosening.

Nicky returned, once again out of breath and after a few moments two strangers came in after him.

Neil curled around Kevin protectively, glaring up at the man and woman. This was the locker room of the Foxes, only Foxes were allowed here.

“Neil, for fuck’s sake, let them help.” Wymack growled.

Neil didn’t want to move but he did anyway, keeping Kevin in his arms but shifting so that the Paramedics could assess him. To Neil’s horror, the man tugged Kevin onto the ground anyway and Neil suddenly felt cold.

His hands were shaking, he realised, so he clenched them into fists.

“Did he ever lose consciousness?”

“He passed out.” Neil said tightly. “But I caught him.”

“Okay,” The man said. “Kevin? Kevin, can you hear me?”

Kevin whimpered.

“My name is Lawrence and this is Bree. We’re going to help you to feel a little better but I’ve got a few questions, okay?”

The woman, Bree, tried to cut away his shirt and Kevin panicked.

“Kevin, Kevin stop, Kevin!” Neil caught his hands but refused to pin them to the ground. “You’re with the Foxes! Stop, you’re safe!”

This wasn’t the Ravens. This wasn’t Kevin being held down to be hurt, to be tortured or worse, it was him being held to try to help him.

Kevin whined loudly but he relented. When he fell back down fully, Kevin was barely conscious. He shook a little as the last of his shirt was cut through.

Neil’s breath left him all at once because Kevin’s entire abdomen was black. Neil had expected bruises, but this? This was just… Wrong.

Nicky had stopped his pacing and even Coach’s expression had shifted into something Neil had never seen on him before, real genuine fear. Neil ignored them both and took Kevin’s hand into his own, squeezing tightly. Kevin squeezed back but it was weak.

“Severe bruising to all four quadrants,” Lawrence reported. “Bree, start an IV.”

As if realising that he wasn’t going to get any verbal answers from Kevin, Lawerence turned instead to Neil.

“What caused this?” Lawrence asked.

“I-“

Bree had finished placing electrodes on Kevin’s chest, hooking them up to a heart monitor that Neil refused to look at and set to placing an IV next. Kevin barely even flinched from the needle, too in pain to register just a little more.

“Kid,” Lawrence said. “This wasn’t some sport injury. I need the truth.”

Neil glanced up to Nicky. He was stricken, running a hand through his hair.

“I saw him trip on the stairs yesterday.” Neil said.

Nicky rocked forward, his eyes impossibly wide.

“He went down pretty hard.”

“Okay,” Lawrence said. “Thank you. Bree, prepare for transport.”

Lawrence activated his radio, talking to dispatch for a few moments.

Coach Wymack was watching Neil but he ignored the man.

Kevin’s head tilted, his lip trembling. As Bree got a backboard positioned beside Kevin, Lawrence placed an oxygen mask on Kevin. Kevin whimpered, trying to push it away, but he was too weak. His breath was still little more than wheezing gasps, the colour long since drained from his face.

“Kevin,” Neil said.

Exhausted eyes flicked to Neil. No, they weren’t just exhausted, they were scared. Neil couldn’t just promise him that it would all work out, even if such a lie was on the tip of Neil’s tongue. No, Kevin deserved better than that.

“Fight.” Neil said instead. “You’ve got this.”

Kevin hummed and when his eyes slipped closed, Neil absolutely did not panic.

When Neil went to the hospital room three days later, Kevin of course was trying to get the Exy channel on the TV.

Every time he managed it, the channel flicked to something else instead and Neil watched him struggle for a few moments, wondering how long it would be until Kevin threw the remote outright, but the thought of Kevin getting out of bed to retrieve it again made Neil come towards him.

"You know," Neil said. “Some people would kill for a few days off."

Kevin glared at him and Neil’s breath caught because Kevin was crying. It wasn't like Neil hadn't seen tears from Kevin before, his panic attacks sometimes made him cry as he clawed at his own chest desperate to breathe, and yet Neil’s chest hurt to see Kevin like this.

The silence must have gone on too long because Kevin raised a shaking hand up to his own face. When he felt the tears, he scrubbed them away but new ones fell to replace them and he just scrubbed harder.

"Kevin,"

"Fuck off." Kevin barked.

Neil couldn't leave him, not like this, but he also knew how hard it was to be vulnerable. He turned on his heel, back to Kevin, and waited.

For a little while, Kevin just took in shuddering breath after shuddering breath, ever more frustrated with himself. Eventually they evened out a little and it took longer still until Kevin cleared his throat, signalling to Neil that he could turn back around.

The tears were gone, even if Kevin was still looking impossibly pale.

Kevin tried to glare at Neil if only to make things really go back to normal but it was weak and he dropped it with a wince. Kevin shifted, arm wrapping around his stomach. He had needed surgery to get the internal bleeding under control and Kevin was still hooked up to not just a fluid IV but blood too because he was still anaemic.

Neil very specifically did not look up to see if either bag was nearly done. While he had always been fine with blood, it was somehow different when it was for Kevin. Everything felt different when it came to Kevin.

It felt weird to come by a hospital at all, his mother had made it very clear that it was never safe for them to go to one and by the time he had noticed that she was injured, it had already been too late. Kevin hardly seemed comfortable here either, even though he was surrounded by flowers and balloons, some of his history books stacked up beside his bed.
There was a little fox plush that Andrew had gotten him and while Kevin had admonished it as childish, it now sat proudly next to him.

"I'll bring your laptop later." Neil said. "Then we can watch some games together."

Neil didn't know why he said it when Kevin,'s eyes lit up, he found that he was excited too. It was nice whenever they watched Exy together, Kevin analysed them differently to Neil and it was interesting to see what each other picked up. It was also just fun to see Kevin get heated at a screen and not at his own team mates, though fun wasn't exactly a thing that Neil was used to until the Foxes.

Then Kevin readjusted again and Neil remembered all at once why he was here because Kevin grunted, arm wrapping tighter around his ribs. Kevin tried to glare at Neil for his unwanted attention but Neil couldn’t ignore that he was in pain.

“Does Andrew know who pushed you?” Neil asked.

“If he did,” Kevin readjusted again, forcing out a hot breath. “Do you really think that Nicky would still be alive?”

“No.” Neil said.

“We can’t lose any more players.” Kevin said.

Neil rolled his eyes. Of course Kevin cared more about Nicky the player than Nicky the human being but this was Kevin so at least he was consistent. It hadn’t even really been Nicky’s fault anyway, he’d just been in a bad mood, the worst the Neil had ever seen him in when Kevin said the wrong thing because he’s Kevin and by the time that Neil and Nicky even registered that Nicky had shoved Kevin, Kevin was already falling down the staircase.

Nicky had rushed down to check on him, same as Neil, sprouting genuine apologies but Kevin had scrambled up in an instant, shoving passed them and disappearing for the rest of the day. Neil had eventually found him sneaking back into the dorms a few hours later but Neil didn’t mention what had happened, he had just offered to watch some old Exy games together.

Andrew had known the instant he saw Kevin that something had happened and the only thing that had kept Andrew from attacking Neil in retaliation was Kevin’s insistence that Neil had nothing to do with it. Kevin didn’t dare lie and say that it had just been an accidental fall because he had the same ability to lie as Neil had the ability to actually tell the truth, that is to say none at all.

Everything had just gotten worse when Kevin collapsed. Andrew had been stretched out on the rooftop of the stadium, only realising something was wrong when the ambulance arrived and by the time he got down, Kevin was already being taken away.

It had been three days since Kevin had been admitted and Andrew was still fuming at practice today, even breaking a racket by how hard he’d hit it against his own goal but at least that meant he hadn’t done the same against one of his own team mates so progress was progress Neil supposed.

Kevin was fidgeting and Neil realised that he was flexing his left hand.

“Does it hurt?” Neil asked.

“It’s…”

Kevin stopped himself, realising that Neil was the one glaring now and Neil didn’t have severe injuries that weakened it. Kevin ducked his head and Neil had to wonder if there would ever come a time where he would stand up for himself.

“It’s just the usual ache.” Kevin said.

“You have chronic pain?”

Kevin shrugged, flexing the hand again.

Neil of course knew that Riko breaking Kevin’s hand had almost cost Kevin his game and in a way it had; Kevin could never again play Exy the way he wanted to, he was always going to be just not quite the level of skill he had worked so hard to perfect over the course of his entire life. 

During games, players often hit their opponents hands and arms to make them drop their rackets and given Kevin’s very public injury, the shittier type of backliners always targeted his left hand to get an advantage over him. Kevin would always have to force himself to not just keep playing, shaking out his hand in residual pain and proving to Wymack that he wasn’t going to do anything stupid but every time it happened, Neil could tell that Kevin was getting a little more frustrated.

But Neil hadn’t noticed him acting like that outside of direct hits, flexing his now healed hand.

Then again, Neil was so often trying to hide his own chronic pain from all of his past injuries that he could have just not seen the same signs in Kevin because he wasn’t looking out for it. But Kevin was an open book, his various mannerisms and expressions were wild and varied and Neil could always tell when Kevin was angry or just frustrated in the same way he could tell Kevin’s smile was fake during interviews while it was real whenever he watched the Trojan’s play a particular good game on the TV.

Kevin put his scarred hand back down.

“Why are you here?” Kevin asked.

“Coach wanted me to make sure you’re not hatching an escape plan.” Neil said.

The lie came as easily as all the others and yet it left a sour taste in Neil’s mouth. It wasn’t even a complete lie, Wymack had made it very clear that Kevin was to stay in the hospital for as long as he had to, even if that meant physically restraining Kevin to the bed if it kept him from going to the court.

“And I wanted to see you.”

Kevin seemed just as surprised with Neil’s words as Neil himself was and Kevin looked away, his face flushed in what could only be anger. When Kevin tried to say something to change the subject, he had to try again just to get any words out.

“There’s reporters out there, isn’t there?”

“Yeah,” Neil said. “I didn’t tell them anything though.”

“Coach threatened you.” Kevin said flatly.

“Yep.” Neil said, paling at the memory.

When the quiet once again came over them, Kevin didn’t bother breaking it this time. He cast a longing look at the remote and when he tried to click through to the sports channel again, the whole screen fizzled out and died.

Kevin glared at the remote, at last throwing it against the wall with a very satisfying smash. The batteries skidded somewhere beneath the bed but Neil didn’t bother trying to find them. The silence only sunk deeper into Neil without the background sound and while Neil usually liked the quiet, this one just felt wrong.

The campus was too far away from here for Neil to go and bring Kevin’s laptop today so he settled for the next best thing.

“I can try to find you a new book at the little shop. You're finished with all these ones, aren't you?”

Kevin’s glare was as weak as all the others, his temper flaring as if he thought that Neil was mocking him. Neil raised his hands in surrender, letting the offer hang in the air. After a few moments, Kevin started flexing his hand again. Neil’s gaze locked to it so Kevin buried his hand beneath the blanket.

“Go practice.” Kevin snarled. “You’re a pathetic excuse for a striker. If we’re going to face the Ravens, you can’t be wasting your time here.”

“Beat, not face.” Neil said.

Kevin breathed sharply and Neil assumed it was from the idea of facing Riko on the court again but then he did it again, tilting forward.

“Kevin?”

The pitiful whine Kevin gave off made Neil launch to his feet. The monitors had started screaming and Kevin was gasping for every breath, new tears streaming down his face. His legs kicked out beneath the blanket and the monitors alerted louder.

Neil knew he should go out into the hallway and call for help but Kevin was terrified, clawing at his chest with his left hand while his right was pushing down hard on the bed. Neil could only hope that the nurses had access to Kevin’s stats because Neil couldn’t leave him like this.

And yet all of Neil’s instincts screamed at him to run, not to the nurses but far away from this. Away from all the machines, all the bright lights, all the complications that came from realising that Neil didn’t want anything to happen to Kevin. Kevin was an absolute pain in the ass but he was the Fox’s pain in the ass and Neil was a Fox now and not just some runaway kid who fled at the first hint of danger.

Neil took Kevin’s good hand from the bed, gripping it tightly until Kevin finally looked at him.

“Breathe, Kevin.” Neil said.

When Kevin shook his head, Neil held back a new instinct, one that told him to slap the other boy. Neil just tightened his grip again, staring Kevin right in the eye. Kevin tried to avoid Neil’s gaze, never one for eye contact but Neil didn’t let him.

“Breathe.” Neil commanded.

“C-Can’t…” Kevin said desperately, clawing harder at his chest.

“You can and you will.”

It was a hedge bet that this was a panic attack and not an actual medical emergency but Neil only needed to focus Kevin long enough for help to get here. Kevin was shuddering and Neil’s head spun from the too loud machines.

“Kevin.” Neil said. “Do you trust me?”

Kevin’s eyes widened and Neil wanted to kick himself. Of course Kevin didn’t trust him. Kevin couldn’t trust anyone, even his friendship with Andrew was based on desperation and terror more than genuine trust and his growing connection to Neil was no different. He had been little more than a pet to Riko and he had gone through so much suffering at the hands of the Ravens, suffering that Neil was certain he would never know the full extent of. Neil couldn’t trust easily or fully either, he never will be able to, and it had been unfair of Neil to expect that of Kevin.

But then Kevin nodded with a whine, his chest spasming with a gasp.

Neil didn’t know what he was doing before he already had his lips against Kevin’s. Kevin jolted, eyes blowing wide, and Neil pulled away quickly, his own eyes feeling like they were bulging out of his head.

Kevin was still staring but he was at last able to in a deep breath if only to whisper;

“What the fuck.”

“I-“

Neil floundered. What could he possibly say? ‘Sorry for kissing you, don’t know what came over me?’ Or ‘I swear, I still don’t swing in any way I just wanted to make you stop freaking out?’, or better yet his own frantic and confused ‘what the fuck.’

The monitors were settling back down to their usual toning but Neil barely registered them anymore, cursing his own stupidity. It had been a panic attack after all, it just came on so quickly because Kevin was already weak.

Neil twisted on his heel and left, ignoring how Kevin was still staring after him.

When Nicky went to visit Kevin the next day, Neil made sure to get him to take in Kevin’s laptop.

“Do you wanna come with?” Nicky asked.

“No.”

Neil’s answer had been quick and to the point and he didn’t know why his face burned hot. Nicky regarded strangely him for a moment but whatever question he had on his mind, he didn’t ask it.

While Neil might have liked to watch some Exy games with Kevin, he couldn’t face him knowing what had happened yesterday, not that anything had happened. Neil had just done something dumb to shock Kevin out of a panic attack, that was all. Nothing else to it.

Kevin will be cursing out Neil’s name on the court soon enough all over again and they could forget that Neil had ever kissed him.

It wasn’t even a kiss, barely more than a-

Nicky was still watching Neil.

“What?” Neil demanded.

“Somebodies got a crush.” Nicky grinned. “Question is, on Kevin or on one of his hot nurses?”

Neil shoved him but it just made Nicky laugh.

“I don’t have a crush.” Neil snapped. “I don’t swing, remember?”

“You say that when your face is still that red? Bold words, Josten, bold words.”

When Neil tried to shove him again, Nicky ducked out of the way.

Nicky gave off one more laugh and turned on his heel to go but Andrew was standing right there and Nicky barely stopped himself from crashing into his cousin. In an instant, Neil knew what was going to happen but as he surged forward, Nicky was already on the ground and Andrew’s hands were around his neck.

“Andrew stop!”

Neil tugged at Andrew’s arm but Andrew just tightened one hand around Nicky’s throat while his other elbow jabbed hard into Neil’s ribs.

Neil balked, his breath leaving him, but when Nicky kicked out his legs Neil’s vision pulsed and he tackled Andrew to the side.

They rolled, a mess of knees and elbows and as soon as Neil was pinned to the ground he felt hands curl around his own throat, pressing down hard. Neil wheezed, eyes locked with Andrew’s own. Andrew’s eyes were completely unfocused, pressing harder into Neil’s throat.

“A… And… Drew…” Neil tried.

Nicky was trying to rise, a hand pressed to his own neck, but he was too slow and he was too uncoordinated.

Neil raised a hand, touching Andrew’s arm. Andrew growled, pressing harder. Neil let the hand drop, eyes still fixed on Andrew’s face.

“Do it.”

Neil didn’t even knew if the wheeze sounded like words to anyone let alone Andrew.

“Do it…” He said again.

The world was spinning, darkness creeping in, and Neil distantly realised that if he closed his eyes, he wasn’t ever going to open them again.

Then the weight lifted off of Neil throat and chest but before he could really register it, he was already being hauled up to his feet. Neil’s vision pulsed as hands gripped him, too many hands. There were voices too, swirling around in his head.

Andrew was screaming, thrashing against the players from other teams that held him.

“Let him go!” Neil cried out, stumbling towards him. “Let him go!”

Neil’s voice was wrecked, his lungs burning. Andrew threw off one of the smaller guys holding him but one of the big football players shoved Andrew against a wall, pinning him in place. The change was in a single instant and Neil hated it. Andrew’s arms dropped to his sides, and his expression dropped too, no longer crazed but instead just simply blank.

“Let him go!” Neil tried again.

The ground shifted beneath Neil and he pitched forward, the hands holding barely catching him.

“Let him…” Neil mumbled, suddenly exhausted. “He doesn’t… He can’t… Let him go…”

Neil knew no more.

Neil’s throat was burning.

There was sand beneath his feet and his throat was burning and his mother was dead and he was alone.

“Easy there, easy,” A voice said.

Neil was alone. His throat was burning and he was alone.

“Neil, it’s okay, you’re okay.”

He wasn’t even Neil. Neil didn’t exist, he was Nathaniel and he was alone because his mother was burning and it was his fault that she was dead.

Neil tried to swallow down the ash but it felt like glass instead.

“Neil,” The voice that was so like Matt’s echoed. “You’re okay.”

Matt couldn’t be here, he hadn’t even been in the same state as Nathaniel’s mother when she died and he didn’t even know Matt back then.

Neil was looking up at a too white ceiling, the lights burning almost as badly as his throat was and when he blinked he realised that Matt was hovering above him.

Neil shoved down his panic, realising that he was in an unfamiliar place and Matt’s hand was on his shoulder barely missing the iron burn scar and his throat was on fire and oh god he was going to die. He tried to sit up but Matt kept him on the bed. Bed? He was on a bed.

But this wasn’t the dorm. This room wasn’t unfamiliar after all though because he knew that sound, that steady beeping, even if now it was joined by a much faster toning.

Neil tried to suck in a breath but his throat burned too much and he coughed instead.

“Neil,” A new voice said, much harsher. “Get a hold of your self.”

“Kevin?” Neil croaked.

Just a single name and Neil was coughing again, shoving off Matt when he realised that Matt was still touching him.

Neil looked for an exit immediately, realising there was only one because this was a hospital room and it was several stories up. Just to prove it, Neil looked to the window and he found that Kevin was there, sitting cross legged on a bed identical to Neil’s own.

He was still pale, way too pale, but Kevin was looking better than he had in days and Neil found that he was glad.

“What the fuck were you thinking?” Kevin demanded.

“I-“

“Don’t talk.” Kevin snapped. “Andrew nearly destroyed your fucking throat because you’re a fucking idiot with a death wish.”

“Nicky? Is he…”

“Nicky’s okay.” Matt said. “Shaken up but okay.”

Then, more importantly.

“Andrew?”

“On a psych hold,” Matt grimaced. “They’re saying he won’t go back to jail but it was a close call. What the hell happened, Neil?”

Neil swallowed, jolting when it caught. He could feel Kevin’s steady gaze on him but he ignored him, looking instead at his own hands.

“Nothing.”

“He could have killed you, you and Nicky both.” Matt said.

Neil shrugged. Andrew was hardly the first person to try to kill him.

“It’s because of me.” Kevin said sourly. “Andrew worked out what happened, took it out on Nicky and you stupidly got in the way.”

Neil shrugged again.

When Kevin groaned for a moment Neil’s heart raced, thinking he was in pain, but Kevin was just dragging a hand down his face.

“Idiots.” Kevin growled. “Both of you!”



“Are you forgetting the part where Andrew could have killed them?” Matt asked.

Neil and Kevin both waved him off.

Matt blew out a hot breath, running a hand through his hair.

“I’m surrounded by crazy people.” He mumbled. “I need coffee. I’ll be back.”

When Matt stood, he hesitated for a moment, looking straight at Neil.

“You’re not going to do anything stupid are you if I go for a couple of minutes?”

Partly because his throat was hurting so much and partly to drive Matt insane, Neil just shrugged again.

Matt rolled his eyes and when he reached out, Neil didn’t have time to flinch before Matt was ruffling his hair. The heart monitor alerted beside him and Matt immediately backed off, raising his hands in surrender.

“Sorry,” Matt said.

“It’s fine.” Neil croaked.

Holy fuck his throat hurt.

When Matt was finally gone, Neil raised a hand to his throat, hissing when he touched the sensitive skin. He almost didn’t want to see what he looked like in a mirror, no doubt deep bruising in the shape of fingers around his entire neck.

Kevin was still watching him, scowling as always. Then Kevin looked away again, scowl dropping into more of a frown.

“Matt’s right.” Kevin mumbled. “Andrew could have killed you. Because of me.”

It was Neil’s turn to roll his eyes.

“He was just upset.” Neil said.

“You shouldn’t be talking.” Kevin reminded him.

“Fuck you too.” Neil said. “You’re the one who’s talking.”

“I’m not talking to you. You’re talking to me.”

Neil stared at him. Kevin shifted, hissing as he half laid down, his back to Neil.

“Kevin,” Neil said. “This isn’t your fault.”

Kevin didn’t deign him with a response.

“Kevin,” Neil said again, swallowing roughly. “It wasn’t your fault. Andrew flipped out. It happens but it wasn’t your fault.”

Kevin flipped over, eyes flashing in pain but at least now he was looking at Neil.

“Holly Newman.” He said.

“What?”

“Holly Newman.” Kevin said. “She was a senior before I started officially at Edgar Allan. Riko had her beaten because she accidentally knocked into me and I fell down some steps. He wasn’t angry that I was hurt, he was angry that it hadn’t been on his order.”

“Kevin,”

“I’m sick of people getting hurt because of me.” Kevin said. “I’m sick of people almost dying because of me.”

“This wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t Andrew’s either, or Nicky’s,” Or mine, Neil nearly let himself say. “It was all just a mess.”

Neil felt dizzy, his throat screaming at him to just shut up already.

Kevin shook his head strongly and realisation dawned on Neil.

“You knew.” Neil whispered.

Kevin’s lip wobbled.

“You knew you were hurt.” Neil said. “That it was bad. But you never said anything. You were going to let yourself die.”

A single tear rolled down Kevin’s face but he made no attempt to wipe it away.

Neil should get angry. He should scream at Kevin for his stupidity, he should remind Kevin that Riko had to pay and that he couldn’t just give up like that. Neil should be furious but he wasn’t.

Kevin was an absolute pain at the best of times but he was still Kevin. He spent time that he would have done his own training in to make Neil better, he loved learning history and he always watched Trojan games when he could, more so than any other team. This was Kevin. The broken lonely Kevin who was an absolute asshole.

Neil peeled off the electrodes on his chest, ignoring when the monitor alerted. Kevin’s expression twisted, briefly glaring at Neil when he went to take out the IV he hadn’t even realised was there until now. Neil huffed a laugh but there was no humour to it. He left the IV in, his legs shaking beneath his weight when he stood, tugging the IV pole after him.

“What are you doing?” Kevin hissed.

Neil ignored that too, padding over towards Kevin.

“Don’t you fucking dare.”

Neil fucking dared, crawling into Kevin’s bed and for a long moment Kevin just stiffly lay there on his side, staring at Neil and Neil in turn just watched him.

“It wasn’t your fault.” Neil mumbled. “None of this. None of it.”

“You don’t know me.” Kevin sneered.

“Don’t I?” Neil challenged.

Kevin floundered, breathing hard, but Neil refused to look away.

They laid there, staring at each other, for a long time.

“My name is Nathaniel Wesninski.”

Kevin blinked. He opened his mouth, closed it again.

Neil’s throat burned not just from the burning but from the name. He didn’t know why he was telling Kevin this and yet in a way it was a relief too.

“But…” Kevin whispered. “But you can’t be. You can’t be him.”

“I am.” Neil said. “I was. But I don’t want to be Nathaniel anymore. I’m more than that now, just like you’re more than Riko’s plaything.”

“But,” Kevin said again. “You can’t be him. I thought you were dead. They told me you were dead.”

“I know you.” Neil said. “More than anyone.”

Kevin’s shaking hand hovered just above Neil’s cheek, searching his face for the boy he once was. For the boy that Kevin had been in love with, if only for a summer.

It had been more than a summer for Neil. It had been his life up until now, memories of the boy with a drawn on number two holding his hand whenever Riko wasn’t looking.

“You can’t die, Kevin,” Neil said. “You mean too much. To Andrew. To me. If not to yourself, you need to stay alive for the rest of us.”

“I didn’t want to die. I just… I’m tired, Neil. Tired of people getting hurt, tired of thinking at any moment Riko’s going to call me back because if he does I know I will go to him. I don’t want to go back there, I want to be a Fox.”

“You are a Fox.” Neil said.

“And you are a fucking idiot.” Kevin said.

And then Kevin closed the distance between them and their lips were pressed up against each other. The kiss was gentle, barely more than a moment, but it felt so right all the same.

Neil fought back a cough, not wanting to ruin the moment but Kevin must have noticed all the same because he rolled his eyes and nudged Neil’s shoulder. 

“Idiot.” Kevin declared.

Neil’s throat burned as he laughed. He wanted to kiss Kevin again but Kevin pushed the little fox plush Andrew had gotten in between them instead.

“You,” Kevin said. “Need to stop fucking talking.”

“I’m not talking.” Neil said.

Kevin huffed his own shaking laugh and when he broke it off, he looked utterly exhausted.

“You could have died today.” Kevin mumbled.

“Oh, so only you can have life threatening injuries?” Neil challenged.

“I hate you so much.”

“That’s what Andrew keeps telling me too, but I know he’s lying.”

Kevin’s expression twisted.

For a moment Neil thought he was going to turn back around and pretend that none of this had happened. He didn’t. He just took in a deep breath, eyes not meeting Neil’s.

“You’re together, aren’t you?” Kevin asked.

Wasn’t that the thousand dollar question.

“Andrew is… Andrew.” Neil said.

“You love him.” Kevin said.

“Not exactly.” Neil said.

Why was he admitting to any of this, he should just listen to Kevin for once in his life and just shut up. But this felt important.

“Because Andrew’s Andrew,” Kevin muttered. “And you’re you. You’re fucking though at least.”

Neil’s face burned and he spluttered for an answer but none came.

Kevin’s lip twisted into a weak smile.

“You think I wouldn’t notice?” Kevin said. “Trust me, I’m never going up to the roof again.”

“We’re not a thing.” Neil said quickly.

“It isn’t just the blow jobs.” Kevin said. “There’s something more there even if it’s not quite love.”

“We’re not a thing.” Neil repeated.

“You and Andrew?” Kevin whispered. “Or you and me?”

“Kevin, I… When we were kids, you were everything to me. I only love Exy so much because I remember playing it with you. But things are different now.”

“I know.” Kevin said quietly. “It can’t be like that again. None of it can. Too much has happened.”

“To both of us.” Neil agreed.

They laid there for a little longer, simply breathing each other in. Simply remembering the boys they once were, the men that they were now, the men that they were becoming. They had both done things they weren’t proud of, they had both had terrible things happen to them and wether or not it was their faults it still felt that way anyway.

It was Neil who bridged the gap this time, cupping Kevin’s cheek and making him look at him.

“But maybe this can be something different.” Neil said.

“Your voice sounds like shit.” Kevin said and then he kissed Neil again and Neil kissed him back. “And now we’re down half the team so we’re going to have to forfeit the next game. I expect you to win the next one or this thing is never going to be a thing.”

“Just kiss me Kevin Day.”

Kevin’s face lit up and something warm swelled in Neil’s chest. When Kevin lent forward once more, someone cleared their throat and Neil scrambled back from Kevin so fast that he fell to the floor with what was definitely not a weird gasp scream.

Matt was at the doorway, the hand not holding a coffee cup raised up with his phone, apparently filming.

“You just made me so much money.” Matt said.

“Get the fuck out of here.” Kevin snarled.

“Absolutely not,” Matt grinned.

He brought his phone down, typing with one hand and Kevin’s phone toned on the bedside table. Neil’s own phone was apparently sitting beside Kevin’s, someone having not only found it but charged it up because the last that Neil knew of it was that it was buried deep and dead in his bag.

Neil didn’t need to check the notification to know what Matt had down so Neil just pushed himself up off the ground, crossed his arms and glared at Matt.

Matt’s grin widened and he took a new photo, no doubt of both of them glaring at him.

“Also,” Matt said, taking a sip of his coffee. “Andrew’s out. I wouldn’t be surprised if he-“

For all of Matt’s talk, he still yelped when Andrew surged past, going straight for Neil.

Neil tensed but only for a moment. Andrew wasn’t going to hurt him, throat not withstanding. Kevin was definitely still tense behind Neil but Neil ignored him.

Andrew gripped onto Neil’s chin, tilting his head up to inspect the bruising on his neck and Neil tried not to wince.

Andrew’s jaw ticked.

“I’m fine.” Neil rolled his eyes.

If it was possible, Andrew looked even more furious when he heard Neil’s voice. Neil sighed, exhausted, and let Andrew finish his inspection.

Andrew didn’t let go of his of his chin.

“Yes or no?” Andrew barked.

Neil blinked. Not only was there Kevin behind him on the hospital bed but Matt was still by the doorway. Anything they did together had very specifically been done in secrecy and when they were alone.

Andrew took Neil’s hesitation as answer enough and he let go of Neil’s chin.

“Wait,” Neil said, barely stopping himself from reaching out to touch Andrew’s hand. “Yes.”

Andrew stared him down, looking to see if it was genuine consent. Neil met his eye squarely, standing tall even if his body was hurting.

"Yes." Neil said more firmly.

At last Andrew came closer to him, kissing him only once but it was deep and it was everything. Andrew pulled away again, whirling on Kevin.

“You haven’t done anything stupid?” Andrew demanded.

Kevin was sitting up again even though he too looked exhausted and when he glanced at Neil, Neil realised that the fucking little shit was considering throwing Neil under the bus as doing something stupid.

“I’m being released in a few days.” Kevin said instead and Neil found that he was relieved. “And I kissed Neil.”

Neil’s whole heart seized.

“Fair.” Andrew shrugged.

Matt made a spluttering sound in the doorway and Neil wondered at what point Andrew was going to break Matt’s phone.

“Kevin,” Andrew said. “Yes or no.”

“Yes.” Kevin said.

Okay, Neil had definitely died after all because Andrew lent down and actually kissed Kevin Day as if it was nothing and everything all at once. It was different from how he kissed Neil, like he knew that while Kevin was hardly fragile, he preferred to be kissed gently.

When Andrew at last pulled away, he turned to Matt and Neil thought that if he was going to ask Matt yes or no Neil was actually going to die.

“If you take one more photo,” Andrew said. “I will kill you with your own phone.”

Matt was still grinning as he ducked away and out of the room and Neil wondered if this was all just some weird dream.

“Kevin.” Andrew growled suddenly. “How the fuck did Nicky get the drop on you?”

“It was an accident.” Kevin snapped back. “Why the fuck did you nearly kill him without asking what happened first?”

“No one gets to touch you.” Andrew said. “No one. Not without you saying so.”

“It was a genuine accident.” Neil said.

When Andrew turned on Neil, he knew he fucked up.

“You were there.” Andrew accused.

“Yes,” Neil said, refusing to back down. “And I saw that it was an accident. Nicky didn’t know how badly Kevin was hurt, neither of us did.”

Neil wasn’t going to be the one to admit that Kevin had known at least in part that he had been severely injured in the fall because that was Kevin’s business alone, especially since Neil already chewed him out over it.

When Kevin did not demand for Andrew to apologise to either Nicky or to Neil, if anything that convinced Neil even more that the shared kiss had that Kevin and Andrew know each other truely. Neil had thought that he had been the one to initiate something with Kevin and Andrew first but now he realised that it was him who had actually been the third. Neil found that he didn’t actually mind. Besides, this wasn’t a relationship, not exactly. Neil had only kissed Kevin a few times in the last two days and while he had been active with Andrew for a few months longer, a relationship wasn’t something that Neil needed or wanted.

But Neil did want to feel Kevin’s lips against his own again, just like he wanted the rooftop rendezvous to keep happening.

It wasn’t a relationship, not really, but it didn’t need to be.

When Andrew perched on the side of Kevin’s bed, tugging Neil down beside him and commanding him to let his voice rest, Neil found that in their own little messed up ways that maybe this was okay.

They let Kevin rest when his pain got too bad while Andrew and Neil talked for a little while through text, Andrew had insisted it be through text because Neil’s voice sounded like fucking shit and it was annoying.

When Neil himself drifted off, he dully wondered just when he had become close enough to sleep so close to someone else, let alone two someone else’s.

He found that he didn’t care, not when it felt so warm beside Andrew and Kevin.