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Tav was lost in thought, sitting away from the others, staring at the moon. She had beaten her urge. She was free of her father. So why didn't it feel... good?
For the life of her, though, she couldn't figure out what her problem was. Everyone had seemed proud of her. But there was something...
"My dear?" Tav jumped when she heard the voice, relaxing when it registered in her mind who it was.
"My star," she turned to look at him. The moonlight shone on his hair, making it look almost translucent. He cocked his head and gave her a small grin before sitting next to her. Her heart fluttered.
"Sitting over here all by yourself, darling?" Astarion asked, humor in his voice, "What are you doing?"
"Just..." she paused, as she often did, "Thinking."
"About...?" Astarion got comfortable next to her, scooting closer until their thighs touched. Tav placed a hand gently over his, which he immediately took. She ran a thumb over his smooth, perfect skin, contemplating.
"I think..." she paused to get her thoughts in order.
When he first met her, sometimes it would take minutes for her to form full sentences, or to voice her thoughts fully. Now, after a lot of work, it took only moments. But still, it took.
At first, he had been irritated by her long pauses and forgetfulness. He felt bad about that now.
"Everyone keeps... congratulating me. They're saying they're glad I found the 'real me'. But, star..." She looked into his eyes. There was no judgement there, only openness. Something that had taken a lot of work between them, a lot of trust they had built up throughout their adventures.
"I think that before, when I still obeyed my father that... that was still the real me." Tav looked away, fiddling with Astarion's fingers.
"I was different, more impulsive, less, um..." Tav paused again. Astarion waited patiently, used to the pauses in her speech.
"I don't think I was very nice," She didn't seem to notice she hadn't finished her previous sentence. Her voice was small, and she still wasn't looking at her lover, "But I was still me. Everyone wants to act like someone else did all those horrible things but thats not true. I already know I'm worse than everyone else. I'm trying to be better, but I don't know if everyone else actually likes the 'real me'. They want to pre- to pretend I'm someone I'm not."
Astarion took a moment to put his thoughts in order. He and Tav had been very honest with each other since they found out she was a Bhaalspawn, perhaps too honest at times. He had never had anyone he could ever be honest with before. Not even before he died.
At first he had panicked. He did just tell someone his deepest secrets, his worst moments, his darkest regrets. His first instinct was to push her away. Even if he sought comfort from her, knowing what he had done, she would look at him with disgust.
But Tav hadn't judged him at all. She hadn't judged him because she was just like him. It was in that where he found true comfort. Instead of pushing her away, they had grown closer than either of them had ever been with anyone else.
"I know what you mean," he began, "You know, I've done some horrible things myself. It makes them more... comfortable, in a way. But, darling..."
He was torn. On one hand, he wanted her to rely solely on him. It would make him feel better, more reassured, if she thought he was the only one who truly liked her. She would never leave him. The impulse was hard to ignore.
However. Tav stayed with him through his darkest moments, keeping him from making a huge mistake. She defended him when no one else would have, when even he found himself insufferable. She stuck with him even after he admitted to manipulating her.
And oh, was her destroyed mind incredibly easy to manipulate. It worried him sometimes.
"They aren't pretending someone else did all of those things. They forgive you. They see the person that you've become, and they want you to get even better."
Tav was quiet, thinking. She rubbed the pad of her thumb over his perfectly manicured fingernail.
"They forgive you, too," she said quietly.
"Yes, like they forgave me," he tried to brush off her attempt to make him feel better. This was about her.
"I'm a bad person," she mumbled, "I'm worse than everyone else. You know, this whole thing is my fault. All of it. I wasn't even broken then. I was in my p- my prime. As Orin said."
"Don't forget your father's influence," Astarion added, "Gortash as well."
He didn't like thinking about what her relationship had been like with Gortash. He'd rather that part of her past stay buried in the far, far reaches of her mind.
"It would be easy to blame my father," she admitted, still rubbing his nail, "I know I was in my right mind when I did those things. I know that was me."
"And I was in my right mind when I lured people back to Cazador," Astarion said, "That was me. Do you think I'm a bad person?"
"No!" She finally looked at him, alarmed. She scooted closer, something he didn't think was possible, but she managed anyways.
"You had no choice..."
"I did have a choice though. Same as you," Astarion pointed out. Tav bit her lip.
"I know what it's like, what good people can be driven to do in extreme circumstances. I know you're a good person, same as you've convinced me I can be a good person. We can just... atone. Make it right. Together."
He felt cringey, if he had been watching this conversation from afar he might have heckled himself. However, Tav needed this. And he needed her.
Tav hugged him, climbing into his lap. He wrapped his arms around her, used to her touchy feely nature by now. She rubbed her face into his chest and stroked his back. He found himself thinking about how he would never have dreamed of doing anything like this even a month ago.
"Hmm..." she sighed, pulling back and repositioning herself so she was now straddling him. He rested his hands on her hips.
She placed a hand on his cheek, gazing at his face. It had taken him some time to get used to how outwardly affectionate she was. It would take even more for him to be able to fully reciprocate the way he wanted to.
He wouldn't give it up for the world, mind you. Not that he'd tell anyone other than Tav that.
"We will make it right... together?" she asked, leaning in. Her thumb stroked his cheek.
She then brushed her lips across his cheek, then his nose, then his forehead, her lips eventually landing in his hair. She pulled back, brushing his hair back and looking at him reverently, as though he were the only thing in the world. She did horrible things to his heart, things he would never admit to anyone else.
It seemed like he made the correct choice. She seemed happier, yet still fully focused on him and him alone.
"That's right," he managed a grin. He wished she would stop... distracting him, while they were having a moment. If he could blush, he's sure his face would he red by now.
A small, shy grin graced her face, and he would never regret having to be so open and vulnerable with her if he could stay with her forever. He must have looked more than a little starstruck, because her small grin turned into a full laugh.
"My star," she leaned in closer and kissed him lightly. He returned her kiss, his grip on her hips tightening and pulling her in closer.
"Okay," she grinned, taking his face in both hands this time, "We'll both do better, we'll make up for it. It'll probably take a long time, especially for me, but..."
She kissed him again, and again, peppering kisses all over his face. He felt that perhaps the wrong person was being comforted, here. Not that he was complaining.
"We have time, don't we?"