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As his alarm rang, Aine noticed his first thought of the day. What a hassle, having to get out of bed. And today was his turn to cook too. He felt that oppressive, dark force pull him down as he struggled to get up.
His mood had been low for long enough for him to know he was dealing with another depressive episode. It had been difficult to focus, he didn’t want to do anything and felt little to no pleasure. Even working on music, the most important thing to him, had become bothersome.
He didn’t know a clear cause yet. His therapist said the episode had likely been caused by several smaller factors rather than one major trigger. Life had been better than back when he was an idol, but even positive life changes can cause depression. There was also the possibility he was relapsing from working so hard on self-improvement for the last few months. The human mind tends to resist change after all.
The scent of melted butter wafted into his room. Was his uncle cooking? But Aine was pretty sure the one supposed to be making breakfast was himself. That sounded like a good excuse to stay in bed for a little longer, but it wouldn’t be right. Finally freeing himself from the grasp of his early-morning melancholy, he grabbed his cane and walked to the kitchen.
His uncle stood in front of the stove, stirring something in a pan. He looked back when he heard Aine approach. “Good morning, Aine. How are you feeling?”
“Not too awful. Wasn’t it my turn today?”
“You said it’s difficult to get out of bed in the morning,” he turned his attention back to the pan, “so I thought I should let you rest.”
Aine wanted to argue; if he was expected to do something early in the morning, that could be a motivation to get up. Also, just because he was depressed it didn’t mean he got to get away from his obligations. But he had come to realize it was better to let people take care of him so they wouldn’t feel powerless to help him. The feeling of powerlessness was something he wished for none…
“Thank you, uncle. I’ll compensate you later.” He sat at the table.
“There’s no need to. I might as well get more practice anyway since you’ve been cooking better than me.” His uncle scooped the food into two plates and brought them to the table. Scrambled eggs with tomatoes and scallions.
“Yeah, we don’t want you burning noodles again,” Aine teased.
He sighed dramatically in response. “I’m never living that down, am I?”
Aine chuckled. “No.”
His uncle also brought them two mugs of coffee. It was a simple breakfast since it was a weekday, but as always, it was nutritious enough. Aine had to eat well for his body to keep recovering from the coma after all.
Living with his uncle had been great, but Aine couldn’t help but feel like he wasn’t doing enough to repay his kindness. The professor was a busy man, but still looked after him so much. And now, Aine was having a depressive episode too, just to make his uncle more concerned.
There had to be a way to compensate for all that trouble.
-
When he heard about Aine’s depressive episode, Ai invited him to join him and his kohais going to the natural history museum on their next day off. Not isolating himself even if he felt like it was important for his recovery, Ai lectured him when he showed hesitance. It wasn’t like Natsuki and Syo would mind.
Aine was supposed to work at the lab on that day, but his uncle also thought he should go have some fun. The joys of nepotism… If that was the case, he would do his best to be productive the day before taking that break.
He started his shift with organizing the files in the lab’s local server. His uncle had let it become a huge mess in the last few years, so Aine had been chipping away at that task; checking the files one by one before moving them to the correct folder, sometimes deleting duplicates. There were articles of several areas of knowledge, digital blueprints for inventions, materials for lectures and student assignments, logs on personal experiments… That would take a while to finish.
One hour.
Just one hour had passed, and there wasn’t a single file left to deal with. No way, that was it? Aine stared at the neatly sorted folders in the home directory - finally free of any stray files- admiring his work with a bittersweet feeling. So that was one fewer thing for him to be helpful with.
He got up from the office chair and moved to the workshop, where his uncle was soldering something on one of the work surfaces. “It’s all done,” Aine said.
“Already?” The professor put the tool down and faced Aine. “Thanks, I’ll make sure to keep it organized from now on.”
“What should I do next?”
“Let’s see…” He looked up at the ceiling as he thought. “We’re still waiting on those parts, so I can’t ask you to assemble that yet… You just cleaned the workshop yesterday, the cell culture still needs a couple days… I’m not done with that program, so it’s not ready to be tested yet… I guess that’s it for today, I’ll give you the rest of the day off. ”
Aine had never been so disappointed by getting more time off. Was there really nothing else he could be useful for? “But you’re already giving me a day off tomorrow, there must be something else.”
“Alright, go make me some coffee.”
“You’re already having some,” Aine noted, looking at the mug on the work surface.
His uncle laughed. “Nicely observed, I was just messing with you.”
“So there’s really nothing else…”
“Why the long face?” He raised a brow. “Did you want to work that badly today?”
“I just wanted to be useful to you…” Aine couldn’t help but look down at the floor.
“You are. Don’t worry, I promise there will be more for you to do when you’re back.” He took off the safety glasses. “I’ll take a break too, let’s go on a walk.”
Even hearing that, Aine couldn’t help but think he wasn’t competent enough for that job. It was pointless, his uncle would be better off without him around to mooch off him while pretending to be a worthy assistant. He was just a burden who didn’t deserve a second chance.
Oh joy, the depression was getting to him again. He took a few deep breaths and tried to let those thoughts drift away like fallen leaves on a creek, hoping the feelings brought by them would also pass soon.
Aine got in his wheelchair and accompanied his uncle outside. He wasn’t in the mood for leaving the lab, but it could be good for clearing his mind. The weather was really pleasant that day and the streets were quiet, but Aine could just wish he was enjoying the outing. That dark grasp over him drowned any positive emotions before they could even surface.
They stopped at a familiar park; his uncle sat on a bench under a tree and Aine stayed by his side. Since it was a weekday, nobody else was around to disturb that green place’s serenity. The air was filled with birdsong and the splashing of water from a nearby fountain.
And a few minutes later, also with coughing.
“Are you getting sick?” Aine asked his uncle.
“This is nothing.” He cleared his throat. “I’ll go to bed early and I’m sure my immune system will take care of it overnight.”
“We should stop by the drugstore on our way back.”
“I’m fine. I can handle some mild cold symptoms, I haven’t got sick once since you moved in.”
Well, that was true. His uncle had been eating a lot better since he had learned to cook for the two of them. Even if he did catch something, he would likely recover faster than before.
“I’ve been thinking,” his uncle said a while later, “I haven’t heard you sing in a few days. That’s unusual.”
So he had noticed. Aine often sang to himself while cooking, cleaning or just relaxing; it was a habit he had since he was little. He had stopped wanting to do even something that simple and customary.
“Yeah… It hurts that even music feels dull now. I’m having the worst creative block I’ve ever had too.”
His uncle nodded at his words, taking them in with no rush. “You still can’t come up with anything for your next original?”
“Yeah. I think I should cover something in the meantime, but I can’t make up my mind on that either.”
“Have your friends pick it for you, that way you just have to go with their choice.”
“That’s not a bad idea.” Aine picked up his phone and started typing on the group chat. “Quick, name a song for me to cover. First one wins”
A couple minutes later, Reiji and Kei started typing.
“Itoshiki Hito e,” Reiji sent first.
“Caramelldansen,” Kei sent right after. "Damn it”
“Thank you Rei-chan for being faster than this dingus,” Aine replied.
“Let me know if you need help with licensing,” Reiji sent. “I can’t wait! (☆▽☆)”
“Aw man, I was on a call,” Hibiki chimed in. “Is your creative block better, Aine?”
“Not yet, trying to fight it”
His friends left him some words of encouragement before going back to their routines.
“Did they choose something?” His uncle asked, noticing Aine pocket his phone.
“Itoshiki Hito e. Rei-chan’s idea.”
“I don’t think I know that one.”
“It’s one of his solos, I’ll show you.”
Aine played the song on his phone, sharing his earbuds with his uncle.
“It’s surprisingly melancholic, I had no idea he had a song like that. It fits in with your other works.”
“It does, it was considerate of him to pick this one.”
“It’s a love song, though. Are you not scared of your fans falling in love with you anymore, Mr Lady-killer?” His uncle teased. Aine had expressed reluctance on singing love songs before, since they weren’t going to help break his old idol image.
“I think I’ll be fine, they haven’t been acting too parasocial.”
They stayed there talking for a while before heading back. Aine felt well enough to at least start working on the arrange for the cover on the piano and melodica. So all he needed that day was some fresh air. What would it be of him without his uncle?
-
Aine’s mood had worsened again by the next morning. He was tempted to cancel his outing with Ai and his kohais to stay home. But it was part of fighting his depression, so he forced himself to go. His body felt a bit sore, but he would be fine if he used his wheelchair.
He saw them in front of the museum’s entrance when he turned the corner. The trio of friends talked and laughed among themselves. Aine didn’t want to interrupt them, even though they were waiting for him... One of them noticed him before the others: Natsuki. The fact it wasn't Ai made Aine flinch.
“Aine-san!” Natsuki came running at him to give him one of his infamous bear hugs. “It’s been a while!”
“Natsuki, leave him alone!” Syo chided, “his body’s still healing!”
“I’m being gentle!” Natsuki replied. His arms were wrapped tightly around Aine, but thankfully not enough to hurt and suffocate him like he usually did to others. “Don’t be sad, Aine-san. Once you’re all better, I’ll squeeze you for real!”
“No no no, this much squeeze is perfect,” Aine responded, hoping that would save him in the future. He awkwardly patted Natsuki’s back in an attempt not to seem dismissive of the latter’s display of affection.
“How are you doing?” Ai asked, stepping closer. “I’m detecting subtle signs of stress in your body.”
“I’ve been coping, don’t worry,“ Aine replied, as Natsuki pulled away.
“Ai said you’ve been feeling down,” Syo said, approaching Aine as well. “You can come hang out with us when you need to get your mind out of things. You’ve known us even before we knew you.”
“Does that not disturb you?” Aine asked, not sure what to think of Syo’s eagerness. It still felt a bit strange to see those two from his own point of view rather than Ai’s. Not that it felt right before, either.
“No, it just makes me want to know you better.” Syo beamed.
“Me too!” Natsuki agreed. "Also because you’re Ai-chan’s family.”
“I told you they wouldn’t mind if you came,” Ai said with a reassuring smile. “Let’s go inside, I want to see the expression on your face when you see the new exhibit.”
So there was a new one? Aine wondered what it was like to pique Ai’s curiosity about his reaction.
Ai just led the way through the exhibits, not saying another word about the new one. His kohais also seemed to plan on letting it be a surprise, only paying attention to the preserved animals and plants in the spacious, well-lit rooms as they passed through them.
Museums were places Aine usually enjoyed visiting, but that was one more experience getting dulled by depression. The others looked so much more interested in everything. He felt like he shouldn’t be there. It didn’t help that he still felt so shy around Natsuki and Syo.
A big glass door came to sight, teasing a sunny green area behind a second one. The sign above it read “Butterfly Garden.”
“Live butterflies?” Aine asked, surprising himself with the childlike wonder in his own voice.
Ai chuckled in response. Right, he had found out butterflies and moths were Aine’s favorite animals after having a look at the latter’s folder of drawings. Of course he wanted to see how Aine reacted to being surrounded by them.
Ai opened the doors for Aine and pulled away the protective nets over the entrance; countless pairs of colorful wings welcomed him as he entered the lush garden.
There were so many, of such varied species, Aine didn’t know where to look. But that was just until a blue morpho landed on his knee; its vibrant blue wings reflecting the sunlight as they basked in it. Aine offered it his finger for it to climb on, and that allowed him to bring it up so he could have a closer look. How beautiful… The butterfly also gave him a nice view of the bold eye-like spots on the brown underside of its wings before flying away.
“You’ve cheered up,” Ai commented, coming from the side and leaning toward Aine. “I’m glad.”
“I haven’t been to a butterfly exhibit in so long! Thank you for inviting me.”
Natsuki rushed to the front of both of them and snapped a picture. “You two match!” He chuckled and showed them his phone’s screen. The picture was blurry, but two white butterflies that had landed on Ai’s and Aine’s heads could be seen. Aine asked Natsuki to send it to him, what a cute coincidence.
Aine gasped as something yellow and pink with a chubby body landed on Syo’s sleeve. “A rosy maple moth! I’ve never seen one this close before!” It was his turn to take a picture.
“Wow, it’s so tiny and cute!” Natsuki gushed. “It’s just like you, Syo-chan!”
“I’m not cute or tiny!” Syo protested. “I’ve got taller, you know.”
“No, you haven’t, my measurements say you’re still 161cm tall,” Ai said.
“Don’t worry, Syo-kun,” Aine tried to reassure him, “it’s not a bad comparison. These guys’ looks have a practical utility, it’s camouflage.”
Ai nodded. “It also makes their predators think they’re poisonous.”
“I don’t get how that’s supposed to make me feel better,” Syo replied, frowning at the others unimpressed.
Aine laughed. “I was going to compare it to gap moe, I don’t know what Ai is trying to get at.”
Any awkwardness left in Aine disappeared while they all kept enjoying the exhibit together. That at the same time of warding off that abnormal apathy and negative feelings, at least in the short term.
By the time they left, it was already midday, so they went to one of the museum’s cafes for lunch time. While they ate, their talk somehow went to Aine and his uncle.
“So, are you not mad at him for how he kept Ai and you in that situation?” Syo asked, some concern showing in his face. He was referring to when the professor had refused to disconnect them from one another when Aine’s distress started affecting Ai. But they had to be discreet when talking about such a thing in a public place.
“He had to choose between Ai’s freedom or my life, there wasn’t a right answer for that. I’m just glad everything ended well.”
“The professor loves you very much, doesn’t he?” Natsuki said.
“He does, he’s like a second father to me. I feel like I don’t do enough for him, I want to do something to let him know how grateful I am.”
Ai hummed as he looked up for a second. “Are you any good at taking care of plants?” He asked.
“Plants?” Aine repeated. “That’s right! Uncle likes them, but he’s pretty bad at raising them. I used to take care of a holiday cactus at the dormitory, back when Rei-chan and I were roommates.”
“What kind of plant is a holiday cactus?” Natsuki asked.
“It’s actually a rainforest plant, it has some bright pink flowers that show up in late fall…” Aine searched for a picture on his phone and showed it to Natsuki, and then to Ai and Syo, who were sitting across from him. That moment, the phone vibrated in his hand.
“Ibuprofen?” Ai noted.
Aine checked his phone to see a message from his uncle had just popped up, asking him to buy the medicine on his way back.
“Is he ok?” Syo asked.
“He was coming down with something, but…”
Ai sighed. “There’s a high chance he waited until his symptoms got worse before checking if there was medicine available. He’s so careless when he gets ill.”
“He is, I knew we should have bought some medicine yesterday,” Aine added, as he quickly replied to the message. “Now I’m worried.”
“There’s a drugstore right next to the train station,” Syo pointed out. “What do you wanna do?”
“I think I should go.” Aine quickly finished his drink; fortunately he was already done eating as well.“Thank you guys for having me, it was fun.”
-
“I’m home,” Aine announced as he crossed the door. No response. He wheeled to his uncle’s room.
There he was, curled up under his covers in bed. Aine approached and called him softly. He was sound asleep, despite his face being flushed and his hair drenched in sweat. Aine left the box of ibuprofen on the nightstand and went to the kitchen.
He remembered how to make rice porridge. After moving from his wheelchair to a tall stool, Aine rinsed some uncooked rice and then left it to soak in a pot with water. After half an hour, he turned on the stove. It would be another half an hour until it cooked, so he went to check on his uncle again.
He was still sleeping, but his expression looked so uncomfortable. Aine wondered if he should wake him up and have him take the medicine. He had heard about smokers being more prone to gastric irritation from taking ibuprofen on an empty stomach, and he didn’t know if his uncle had eaten recently…
“Aine…” The professor mumbled in his sleep, “sing that song…”
“What song?” Aine asked in a hushed voice, but his uncle didn’t reply. He was still asleep after all. Would singing help? Aine would have to guess the song.
The last song they had talked about was Itoshiki Hito e, on the previous day. Could it be? It was worth a try.
When he finished singing, his uncle looked a lot more relaxed. Aine was about to leave the room when he got another request.
“Sound of Revival… please…”
Well, he couldn’t say no when someone requested one of his originals. He stayed and also sang that one as his uncle continued to sleep. Before he knew it, his body felt lighter and his chest was warm. He was enjoying singing. Fully enjoying it! He had to keep going while his mood allowed him; he would sing some more.
A few more songs later, his uncle stirred in bed. Aine froze as he opened his eyes and looked at him. Suddenly, singing to his uncle as if the latter were a little kid sounded weird.
“Aine…?” He grabbed his glasses from the nightstand and put them on, sitting up with some difficulty.
“Hey, uncle…” Aine started. “I brought the ibuprofen.” He nodded to the box of medicine.
“Thank you. You were singing, weren’t you?”
“Yes,” Aine replied in a weakened voice, feeling his cheeks flush.
His uncle smiled at him. “It was nice. I should get something to eat before I take that…”
“I was making rice porridge, it should be ready by now.”
Aine brought his uncle a bowl of the food and a glass of water. After eating and taking the medicine, he seemed to have recovered some of his energy already.
“I made you come back sooner, didn’t I? I’m sorry about that.”
“It’s alright. You always take care of me, so it was the least I could’ve done.”
His uncle had a pensive expression. “Aine, you can be honest about this… Do you feel like moving back with your parents or living at your own place?”
“No, I like being here. I mean, of course I’ll find somewhere for myself when it’s time, but I’m doing well here in the meantime. Why? I’m not getting in the way, am I?”
“Oh no, I love having you around. It’s just that I worry I pressured you to stay by giving you a job.” He cleared his irritated throat. “A sensitive person like you needs to live in a comforting environment where they feel free to express themselves, so I was wondering if you got depressed because this isn’t enough for you.”
“It is enough! My parents mean well, but they’re not that good at being comforting.” Something Aine hadn’t thought about for a while came to mind. It was a bit embarrassing, but he wanted his uncle to know. “I haven’t told you what my oldest memory is, have I?
“I was still a toddler and you were babysitting me. I don’t even remember why, but at some point I threw a tantrum. Instead of scolding me or ignoring me, you crouched down to my level and hugged me. That made me go from feeling like the world was ending to feeling like everything was going to be alright.“
“Oh yes, I remember doing that. I just wanted to test something I had read about in an article.” His uncle showed a bitter smile. “I kept using you as my guinea pig… It was the same as the times I tested your object permanence when you were a baby, and with the marshmallow test, and when I connected you to Ai… You deserve to be treated better.”
“I’ve learned that to deal with one’s own or someone else’s emotions, it’s important to approach them with curiosity rather than judgment. And you’re all curiosity and no judgment, uncle. That has only benefitted me. I got scared that time with Ai, but you still saved my life. I don’t mind being your guinea pig.”
“You shouldn’t say such a thing to a mad scientist, you know. I may try to clone you for real next time,” the professor played.
“Good, I’m looking forward to getting another little cousin.” Aine took the empty bowl from the nightstand to bring it back to the kitchen. “I’ll let you get more rest now, call me if you need anything.”
“Aine…” His uncle called when he was about to step out of the room. “Thank you for sticking with me.”
Aine spent the rest of his afternoon researching about plants to choose the best ones for the lab. He didn’t feel so much like a burden anymore, but his gratitude was still too overwhelming not to do anything about it.