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I’d rather still be in the armor!
At least I wouldn’t have to feel anything.
At least his attention would still be
On me.
I would still be the focus
Of his life, not his lust.
Did he restore me just for this?
To use my body?
Suddenly, I was angry
Angry, sad, hurt
Jealous.
I wanted to
Hit him.
A sparring match wouldn’t be enough.
I wanted to hurt Brother.
Punch him, kick him, make him cry.
Cry like I did every day.
Every time he wouldn’t talk to me
Every time he wouldn’t look at me
Every time I caught him kissing Winry
I hated him
I hated her.
But, most of all,
I hated me.
Hated myself for letting Brother do that to me
The first time he climbed in my bed
The first time he kissed me like that
The first time his hand slid down into my pants
I should have said’
“No!”
I should have pulled away,
“Stop it, Brother”
I should have punched him
Shoved him off
But I didn’t
I kissed him back.
I let his flesh hand stroke me
Let his fingers enter me
Let him fuck me.
I thought we had started something beautiful
I was convinced of it the second night
I started looking forward to our time together
Accepting, at first, his silence
His ignoring of me in daylight
No one must know our secret
I accepted that.
And, after a while, started to wonder
Why?
But
This is my own fault, isn’t it?
Because it’s not that I didn’t want this.
For so long I craved his touch
Tried to imagine it
And after I was restored
When he touched my hand,
I craved more
When he put his arm around my shoulders
I craved more
When he hugged me
More!
I wanted him to do more
He kissed my forehead,
My hands
He looked at me so
So, so
I don’t know.
Loving.
Or so I thought.
He never speaks to me now
And it hurts.
I was never prepared to feel this
Overwhelming agony
Pain is supposed to remind us that we’re alive
Unlike a wound, or a broken bone
There is no soothing this pain
No medicine, no bandages
Brother has ripped my beating heart out
And stomped on it
I know it is only a matter of time
Even though he hasn’t made the move
I know it is coming
He will ask for Winry’s hand
And I will be left alone
I don’t want to be alone
I don’t want him to leave me
I can’t stand it.
I need Brother even more now
I yearn for his touch
His kiss
The feeling of him
Inside
Of my body
I hate him!
I hate him because I am ruined
I’ll never be able to love anyone else
I feel so much
LOVE!!
It makes me want to scream!
I can’t take it any more!
Auntie Pinako found me
lying on the bathroom floor,
The shattered mirror
The shards of glass,
blood running red on her clean tiles
All she said was
“Alphonse, why?”
It was the last thing I heard.