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I didn't really know Kaori. I did my best to raise Jin well but I was never the most affectionate father. My own father wasn't either and I learned from his example. But I kept a roof over our heads and food on the table. I tried to hold us together after my own wife passed and in the process I learned the sorrow of moving on after losing the one you had imagined your life with.
When he eventually introduced me to the girl he had been seeing I was wary. He was a softhearted boy, I don't know where he got it from, and he'd had his heart broken in the past. She seemed like a sweet girl though. Serious, which I wouldn't have expected. He tended towards people as airy as he was, but she was grounded. I thought it was a good change. He needed someone to hold him down, and in my sentimental moments I thought she might benefit from his light. It's good to have a partner who balances you.
Over the next couple of years, we met several more times but after he'd graduated and moved out into the world it's not like I saw them every day. They were off starting to build their life together and I was watching from the background. I didn't begrudge them that. He still called and I was happy to see him happy. I was proud to stand with him at his wedding. And then he came to me and said they were thinking of trying for a child.
I asked if he was sure. They were still so young, why not wait until they were more established? To say a child is a huge responsibility is such an understatement as to be laughable. Here he was an adult and still I wondered what it meant to be a good father to him. Had I done enough for him before? Was I doing enough to support him now? But he laughed. There was no doubt in him. Was I so sure before? Is that the confidence of youth? In any case nothing would deter him and Kaori was just as excited. They were so happy and in love. So excited to share that love with a child of their own.
A death is always a tragedy but remembering that happiness makes it feel even more bitter. Death doesn't care whether you're young or old. Doesn't care about your dreams for the future and how close you were to realizing them. Just as they were planning the next chapter of their life Kaori took ill. We had high hopes that it would be something minor but as her stay in the hospital dragged on that hope sank like the sun over the horizon. It ushered in a darkness in my son that I thought would take him from me as well. I had already lost my own parents as a young man and then my wife when Jin was young. Now my daughter in law, the newest member of my family, was being taken from me and my son might follow her.
As her final days neared Jin fell into denial. Before he would visit her every day to try to bolster her spirits but as her health continued to decline he couldn't keep up the facade. I became the only visitor to her hospital room. It's sad that we saw more of each other as she was on the brink of death than we ever did while she was healthy. I remembered then that she had also lost her parents. She mentioned that she had no family to include in the proceedings during the wedding planning. When I asked how they had passed, wanting to commiserate as another child left alone, she was shifty. I got the impression it wasn't a simple or easy death. It gives you a different perspective, when your parents who should be your first and most consistent guardians, pass so soon in your life.
"I always wanted to have a child" Kaori said, as I walked into her room. She was propped up in the hospital bed, pale as always under the unforgiving harsh lights. "Jin mentioned that" I responded. "I didn't know he was so excited about kids before he mentioned you were trying for one". "Were you surprised?" she asked. "A little. A child is no simple matter and you're both so young". She hummed. "True, but life doesn't always wait until you're ready. I've always thought it's better to have a baby young. It gives you more time with them hopefully". Again a bitter taste rose in my mouth at the situation. Neither life or death wait until we're ready.
"It's a tradition in my community as well" she looked off to the side in thought. She didn't speak about her family much and I was surprised that she would bring them up now. "Your community?" I asked. "Was your family from a more rural area?". "Not really. We are more traditional than rural. It helps to get an early start when people often die so young". "It sounds like you're talking about the distant past. Who talks like that now? Is your family very sickly?" It would make sense with how she had fallen ill seemingly out of nowhere and come to death's door so quickly. Not that illness needs a reason or misfortune has to make sense. "Not at all!" she laughed. "If anything we're hardier than most". "And yet you tend to die quickly?" I asked. "Yes, that's our lot in life". I wondered if this was her trying to make sense of her current state. "I had resigned myself to also dying young before I left that all behind me. Before I met Jin and started to dream of something different. I still wanted a child though but one who would be raised away from that community. One who would look forward to a long life." It was maybe the most she had ever said to me at once. After finishing her sentence she seemed to sink into herself, as if getting it off her chest took the last of her energy.
I didn't know what to say and she seemed to need a minute to gather her strength. The heart monitor beeping and our breaths were the only sounds to fill the silence. When she seemed to have recovered she looked at me and asked "How is Jin?". In that moment I felt ashamed of him. He should be here not me. He should be here again to face his wife in these quiet painful moments. Then I felt ashamed of myself. Was I such a brave example of husband who faced the loss of his wife without flinching? I hadn't talked about my wife with Jin in years. "He...he is alright. That is the best that I can say. I'm sorry he has not visited in a while. I'll bring him with me next time". "It's alright. He was here so often before and trying so hard to keep things light. He must be drained now. I know how he can burn himself out". He could burn himself out. Tended to run himself ragged like an excited dog. I felt tears come to my eyes that this woman I barely knew, that I would now never truly get to know, understood my son so well. That he was losing someone who knew him so well.
"Take care of him for me?" she tried to make it a light request. "I gave him to you for that. I put in my time already!" I tried to also keep it light though I think the tears in my eyes gave me away. "I'm returning him . He's too much work!" I could see that tears had also formed in her eyes. What a sad pair we made. "Ah, I guess I can take him back then. At least I already know all his worst habits". "Thank you". "He's my son. You don't have to thank me". "Still. I can rest knowing you're watching over him. I want to see him again one day but no time soon". Morbid words but she was the grounded one of their pair and it's not like I disagreed.
She laid back in her bed and her eyelid seemed heavy. "This is more than I've spoken in a while" she whispered. "Odd to think just talking could make me feel so tired". "Sit with me, father?" As she said that I realized how long I'd been standing as we had this conversation. I felt it. My knees had locked up a little and I stumbled slightly as I walked over to sit in the chair by her bed. I was getting too old for all these tragedies. But wasn't that what growing older was, accumulating sorrow? She reached her hand out to me and I held it. Her hand was warmer than I expected for someone who looked so sickly. She got comfortable on the bed and closed her eyes. Within a couple more breathes she was asleep. I sat there holding her hand for a while longer. Eventually I heard a soft knock and looked up to see a nurse. "Hello sir, it's 8 pm and visiting hours are ending" she told me. "Okay". I looked back at Kaori and carefully removed my hand from her limp grip. As I stood up and looked down at her, I brushed my hand over her hair. I hoped she would rest easy and only have happy dreams. I followed the nurse out of the room and resolved to bring Jin with me tomorrow.
At midnight that night I received a call that Kaori had passed in her sleep.