Archive of Our Own

Sirius knew something was wrong from a very young age. It wasn’t just that he was different from his family - that was a separate problem. It was just that… he had no interest in girls.
Occasionally, he and Reggie would play on the sidewalk in front of Number Twelve Grimmauld Place, and there was a neighbor girl next door that was about their age. They noticed her a lot.
“She’s pretty,” Regulus said once.
“Yeah, I guess,” Sirius replied. He’d never noticed. She was just a girl. Nice, but still a girl.
On his first train ride to Hogwarts, Sirius met James Potter. The Potters were one of the people his parents said were blood traitors. But James was nice and Sirius was afraid, and felt guilty about leaving Regulus behind, and he needed someone. James was kind and welcoming and friendly. Sirius decided he didn’t care if James was a blood traitor because it’s not like it mattered to him anyway. James also befriended two other boys. One was shy and spoke so quietly Sirius barely caught his name. The other had a large scar across his face and a curious, scared expression on his face. He looked around at everything both thoughtfully and in wonder. He was probably the prettiest boy Sirius had ever seen. His scars looked cool.
“I’m going to be Gryffindor,” James said to them proudly, puffing out his chest. “I hope you are all Gryffindors too. Then we could share a room together!”
Sirius had no doubt in his mind that James was definitely going to be a Gryffindor, and he wished he could join him.
“My family’s all been in Slytherin,” he said regretfully.
“Just ask the hat for Gryffindor!” James said enthusiastically.
“Can you do that?” Peter squeaked. “Everyone says I’m going to be Hufflepuff. I don’t want to be Hufflepuff.”
Peter was probably going to be in Hufflepuff, Sirius thought.
“What about you, Remus?” James asked. Remus looked in their direction from where he’d been staring out the window.
“Oh, I don’t know, really. Probably Ravenclaw or Gryffindor. My dad was in Ravenclaw.”
“Well, I hope Gryffindor!” James said.
“Was your mum a Gryffindor?” Sirius asked.
“Oh, no, my mum’s a Muggle,” Remus said plainly. Alarm bells began going off in Sirius’ head. Half-blood! His mum’s voice shrieked in his mind.
“All good, mate. We’re all wizards here,” James said, and conversation continued as normal. Sirius looked down at the floor for a second, considering what James had said. He was right - they were all wizards. And Remus was a nice, pretty boy. He hadn’t done anything. Sirius decided being friends with him would be just fine.
When the hat was placed on Sirius’ head, it hummed in admiration.
“Another Black, I see,” the hat said.
Gryffindor, please, Gryffindor, Sirius pleaded in his head as he tried to find James’ face in the line of first-years.
“Interesting,” the hat said, stretching out the word. There was a long pause. To Sirius, it felt like hours. “Gryffindor!” it declared. The hat was taken off his head, and Sirius rushed in a mixture of fear and excitement to the Gryffindor table, where people were applauding. From the Slytherin table, his cousins were staring at him - Narcissa looked horrified and Bellatrix looked enraged. Sirius gulped, staring down at the table as the nerves built in his stomach. He tried to tune out the noise around him. A girl with bright red hair sat next to him. Eventually, the hat got to Remus. It was on his head for about thirty seconds before it declared another proud Gryffindor. The table began clapping, Sirius doing the same. Remus came to sit across from him, smiling. Remus had a lovely smile. Sirius felt relieved.
When the hat got to Peter, it took over five minutes to decide between Gryffindor and Slytherin. Sirius was surprised by this - he’d pegged Peter as a sure Hufflepuff. Eventually, after several minutes of prolonged silence, he was placed in Gryffindor. Relieved, he scurried over to the table. In contrast to Peter, the hat spent barely a second on James’ head before he was placed in Gryffindor. Smiling widely, James all but ran over to the table in delight. Later that night, when Sirius was laying in a four-poster bed surrounded by all of his new friends, he felt hopeful. It would be fine, right? His parents couldn’t get too mad.
Sirius was wrong. A couple mornings later, a bright red envelope was delivered to him. Sirius was overcome by a sudden force of nausea. Seconds later, the letter began to screech at him. How he was a disappointment to the family, the only Black in the entire lineage to ever be sorted into a house other than Slytherin. How Gryffindor was the absolute worst thing to be in. How he could never make a proper heir. How he was an awful, selfish, worthless child.
Sirius tried very, very hard not to cry. From years of practice, it wasn’t his mothers voice that really made the tears flow, but the fact that it was in front of all of his classmates, including his new friends, was a new type of humiliation Sirius had never experienced before. He’d never been so embarrassed in his life.
When the letter finally exploded, leaving Sirius bright red and blinking back tears, Remus, James, and Peter were giving Sirius pitying looks. Peter looked terrified, like he didn’t know what to do, and James was seething with anger. Remus looked saddened, as though he knew what was going through Sirius’ mind.
“Ignore them,” James said fiercely. “None of that stuff is true. It’s all rubbish. You’re perfectly fit to be a Gryffindor.”
Sirius nodded, smiling at him gratefully. James was being very comforting, except for his last comment. Sirius knew he was perfectly fit to be a Gryffindor - that was the problem. He wasn’t like the rest of his family at all.
“That’s right,” Remus said. “Be grateful you’re not a Slytherin, anyway. They’re awful, just like your mother.”
Remus had some serious nerve to say this - it wasn’t often insults about other people’s mothers were thrown around so casually. But he was right. Sirius’ mother was awful. The letter just showed everyone else the same thing.
After that, everyone seemed to walk on eggshells around him. They obviously felt bad for him. Sirius hated it, hated the looks of pity and the avoidance on the subject of mothers. But he started to figure out that if he made people laugh, nobody really cared about his awful parents. So that’s exactly what he did. James was on board with this immediately, and the two of them quickly gained a reputation for being pranksters. Peter tagged along sometimes, but was usually too afraid to do the bigger things that would end in serious consequence. Remus mostly kept to himself, in his own little world, but would casually slip ideas for pranks from time to time that were absolutely genius. He’d also help them out on the more complicated tricks, but never seemed to share any of the blame. Remus was smart, Sirius realised, really smart. He studied like a madman, sure, but he was also quite clever. Sirius and James were clever enough, but not like Remus was. They also didn’t study like he did. In fact, Sirius probably never studied for a test in his life before OWLs and NEWTs. Maybe it was the studying then, Sirius reasoned. Or maybe it was just Remus.

Sometime in October of their first year, James got sat next to Lily Evans in Charms. After a few days, she was endlessly fed up with him (Sirius could hear her reprimanding him every class, despite the fact that she whispered) and he was head over heels in love.
“I’m going to marry her someday,” James declared, falling back on his bed, his hand over his heart in a false swoon. “She’s the girl of my dreams.”
Remus laughed at his foolishness. Peter was blushing.
“C’mon now!” James said to Remus, throwing his hands up in the air. “Aren't there any girls you guys like? There’s got to be someone!”
“Even if there was, I wouldn’t be telling you,” Remus deadpanned.
“I don’t like any girls!” Peter squeaked. There was a longer-than-usual pause, and Sirius realized they were all waiting for his answer.
“Uh, yeah, me neither,” he said sheepishly. “Who cares about girls anyway?”
Peter nodded in affirmation, but James flopped back on his bed again.
“Come on, you lot are so boring! Sirius, you could probably have any girl you like. I can’t believe you don’t fancy even one of them!”
“I could not have any girl I like!” Sirius said, blushing furiously. Remus was watching him carefully.
“Sure you could! Girls are all over you!”
“It’s true,” Peter said, nodding rapidly.
“Well- whatever! I couldn’t have Lily Evans now, could I, James?” Sirius asked, trying to divert attention from himself.
“Absolutely not!” James declared, rising to hit him with a pillow. “Evans is mine!”
Sirius scrambled to defend himself, and a pillow fight broke out amongst the boys. The topic of girls was abandoned pretty much until third year, save for James’ occasional comment about the outstanding beauty of Lily Evans. Sirius didn’t like talking about it, though. He still never fancied any girl. It didn’t matter, though. The Marauders - as they had quickly dubbed themselves after a particularly memorable lecture from McGonagall - were all he needed.

Lily Evans began to cause other problems, leading to Sirius’ initial dislike of her. She was a know-it-all and he didn’t understand why James fancied her. Besides that, she was muggle-born. Despite trying to bury his old prejudices about non-purebloods, Sirius still found that some habits were hard to break. But above all that, Lily and Remus had become friends, which Sirius did especially not like. He felt particularly sour whenever Remus went to go study with her. Sirius was sure that Lily was insufferable to study with.
Also, Lily was friends with Severus Snape, who was probably the most dislikable, slimy Slytherin in their year. Snape liked Lily, too, apparently, or this is what James had told him. Sirius had never taken particular notice. But Snape also hated Gryffindors, which was what really got James going. Sirius thought that Snape might have been single handedly responsible for James’ overwhelming dislike of Slytherins. Snape and maybe Sirius’ mother.
Either way, James began picking on Snape, and he usually had the power over him.
“Someday,” James reasoned, “Lily will realise what a wuss he is and see who’s really the better man.”
Sirius thought that made perfectly fine sense, and began to hate Snape as well, sending him a nasty glare every time he saw him in the corridors. He didn’t really know why he picked on Snape so much - it didn’t make him feel any better. But James didn’t like Snape, and Sirius soon learned that he would do just about anything for James. James and Remus and Peter.

At the beginning of second year, Sirius was glad to take Regulus with him to Hogwarts. After being sorted into Gryffindor, Sirius’ home life had just gotten worse and worse and he was happy to get Regulus to Hogwarts with him, where he thought he would be safe. Sirius imagined that Regulus would get sorted into Gryffindor too and he could join the Marauders and be happy with his friends like Sirius was.
But of course that didn’t happen. Sirius probably should have known better, but it only took about twenty or so seconds to put Regulus in Slytherin. Where he belonged, their mother would say. Sirius felt Regulus slip further away from him as he became the perfectly behaved Slytherin heir Sirius never was.
Sirius and Regulus grew even more distant than when Sirius was away and Regulus was at home, or so it seemed. Sirius missed his little brother, but Reggie was a Slytherin now, and Slytherins and Gryffindors didn’t mingle. Besides, Sirius had the idea that his parents told Reggie not to interact with him, “disappointment” and all.
He didn’t really talk to any of the Marauders about this - it wasn’t important, and besides, James hated Slytherins more than anyone. It made Sirius sad to think that James probably hated his brother. Maybe in another universe, they could’ve all been friends.

The most notable thing that happened during second year was that the Marauders finally figured out where Remus really went every month. All first year, Remus had given one excuse or another - he’d fallen and broken his wrist, or he was visiting his parents, or a sick family member. Eventually, it got to a point that the last couple months of the year, he simply left without any warning. There were only so many excuses he could give, and they eventually began to figure out he was lying.
Sirius was concerned. Every time after his monthly disappearances, Remus would come back with a fresh wound or scar that looked rather painful. At first Sirius thought he might be being hurt in some way, maybe by his parents like Sirius was. But at the end of first year Sirius met Remus’ parents briefly at the train station, and they seemed like lovely people. So, beginning second year, Sirius began to record the nights when Remus was gone. He looked for any connection between them, any indication of strangeness, when he finally stumbled upon it.
The first night Remus disappeared was always a full moon. Now, Sirius had heard of werewolves before, of course, but he’d never actually met one, or so he thought. Wasn’t Remus dangerous?
He brought it up to James.
“I think you might be right, Sirius,” James said.
“Should we be scared?” Sirius asked. James shook his head violently.
“No. No way. It’s Remus, for Merlin’s sake. He would never hurt us.”
Sirius believed him. He observed Remus carefully in the days after his revelation, trying to detect any potentially threatening behavior, but he found nothing. Remus was just the same as he ever was. In fact, all of his scars, new and old, made him look cool and handsome. Sirius didn’t understand why more girls weren't interested in Remus instead of himself.
Eventually, Sirius mustered up the courage to ask Remus about it. James and Peter agreed that just Sirius should be the one to do it - they didn’t want to gang up on Remus, after all, and Sirius was the one to figure it out in the first place. Sirius brought it up when they were alone in an empty corridor, walking back from the library together. Remus had needed to return a book and Sirius had offered his company.
“Can I ask you something?” Sirius asked, trying not to sound as nervous as he was.
“Sure,” Remus replied.
“Promise you won’t be mad?”
Remus turned to him quizzically. “Why would I be mad?”
“Just- listen. Are you a werewolf?” Sirius said, asking the question so quickly it was impressive Remus even understood him.
Remus’ eyes widened in fear, but before he could get a word in, Sirius began talking again.
“I’m not mad! And neither are James and Peter. And we haven’t told anyone. And we’re not scared of you. I just noticed that your monthly disappearances aligned with full moons so-”
“Sirius,” Remus said sharply, cutting him off. “You can’t tell anyone about this, oaky? You can’t say a single word. If this gets out I’ll be expelled.”
Sirius nodded frantically. “I won’t, I promise.”
Remus exhaled nervously. “Promise?”
“Yeah,” Sirius said. From then on, the Marauders began seeing Remus in the hospital wing after every transformation. Sirius could tell that Remus was grateful he didn’t have to hide anymore.

Sometime around the middle of third year, girls became more of an important topic. Sirius, still feeling wildly alienated whenever it came up, still didn’t like to talk about it. James was still “madly in love” with Lily Evans, which continuously irked Sirius. What was so good about Lily Evans anyway?
He never said this out loud, of course. James would despise him and Peter would just tell James what he said. Plus, Remus was still friends with her. James hated that. So did Sirius, though he didn’t really have a good reason for it.
At every opportunity he got, James would beg Remus to put in a good word for him.
“Remus, please, mate. Just drop a comment about my quidditch skills or something,” James pleaded. He’d finally made the quidditch team that year and had been absolutely insufferable about it ever since.
“No,” Remus said, plainly but not unkindly, as he packed his books to go study with Lily in the library. Sirius wished he would stay and study in the dorm with James and himself. Not that he and James would do any studying, but it would still be nice to have Remus around.
“Please,” James said again, stretching out the word. “She’s the love of my life!”
Remus looked up from his things, giving him a deadpan look.
“I’m sure she is,” he said, slinging his bag over his shoulder. Letting out a long sigh, James flopped back on his bed.
“Well, looks like Evans and I will have to wait a little longer.”
Sirius rolled his eyes.
“So what, mate? She’s just a girl,” he said.
“Just a girl? No, Sirius, Lily Evans is the most beautiful girl ever to have graced-”
“Stop.”
James sighed again. “You’re boring. Peter, do you like any girls?”
Peter looked up in alarm, flushing scarlet. “Actually, um, I’ve got a date with a girl tomorrow. At Hogsmeade.”
James, filled with a new vigor, sat up. “Well I’ll be damned! Congrats, Pete! Who is it?”
Peter, still flushed, began waxing on about some Hufflepuff girl. Sirius rolled his eyes again, looking longingly towards the door Remus had just left through. Stupid girls.
“Want to put dung bombs outside of the prefect's bathroom?” he asked, interrupting James and Peter’s conversation.
“Sure!” James said, distracted yet again. Sirius relished in his victory as the two of them rushed down the stairs of the dormitory, Peter skittering behind them.
A hand touched his shoulder as he was walking towards the door, and the strong scent of vanilla hit him.
“Hey, Sirius,” Mary McDonald said, giggling. “Where are you going?”
Sirius felt himself flush, more from shock and embarrassment than anything else.
“Um, nowhere really,” he said.
“Are you going to Hogsmeade tomorrow?” Mary asked, smiling. Sirius could feel James vibrating with excitement behind him.
“Yeah,” he said. James poked him in the back, hard. Oh.
“Um, would you like to go with me?” Sirius asked, smiling tightly. Mary blushed.
“Sure,” she said.
“Okay, um, great. I’ll meet you here tomorrow and we can walk down there,” Sirius said.
“Okay, see you then,” Mary said, blushing and giggling as she went back to join her friends. Sirius took the opportunity to escape into the corridor.
“Sirius with a girl! Who would’ve thought! I didn’t even know you like Mary!” James exclaimed., clapping him on the back. I didn’t know I liked Mary either, Sirius thought annoyedly.
“I feel like I’m going to be sick,” Sirius said truthfully.
“It’s just nerves, mate,” James said, “You’ll be fine!” Peter nodded in affirmation.
“Whatever,” Sirius grumbled, pulling a couple of dung bombs out of his robes and handing them to James and Peter. “Come on, let’s go do this.”
The next day, Sirius felt even sicker, barely touching his breakfast. Remus noticed, quirking an eyebrow at him. Sirius shrugged, avoiding his eyes. Later that morning, he met Mary in the common room. She was really pretty and smelled like vanilla again.
Their walk down to Hogsmeade wasn’t that bad - Mary was a kind girl, and really interesting. She kept trying to hold his hand, though, which Sirius didn’t really like.
They ended up having tea together as they continued their conversation. After that, Sirius took the opportunity to run into Zonko’s for some more prank material. When he came out with his pockets stuffed full, Mary was giggling at him.
“What?” Sirius said, shrugging.
“You’re just so funny,” she said. Sirius felt a surge of pride. He liked it when people called him funny.
When they were walking back towards the castle, Sirius finally let Mary take his hand. Holding hands with her actually wasn’t that bad. Her skin was soft and she still smelled like vanilla.
The next week, they went to Hogsmeade again. And the week after that. And then they started doing other stuff together, too. And then she kissed him for the first time. Sirius didn’t really like it. He could taste her sticky lipgloss and he decided then that kissing was overrated, but Mary seemed to like it, so he kissed her anyway. Soon everyone thought they were dating, and Sirius just let them think so. Mary wasn’t so bad after all, he supposed. She was a nice girlfriend.

During fourth year, Mary kept bringing up the idea of sex. Sirius didn’t know why, but he was extremely adverse to this. He just felt panicked every time the topic came up. After all, he reasoned with himself, if kissing was so overrated, sex probably was too. Right?
He needed advice on this. James was the most virgin virgin alive (waiting for Lily Evans, of course) and talking to Peter about it just felt kind of weird. So Sirius went to Remus. Calm, cool, collected Remus. He had to know what to do.
“Hey, Moony,” Sirius said, taking the seat next to him in the library. He had recently given Remus this nickname, and it had stuck.
Remus hummed in acknowledgement.
“Can I ask you something?” Sirius said, feeling nervous.
Remus looked up from his studying, clearly annoyed. “This better be worth it.”
“Have you ever had sex before?”
Remus’ eyes widened. “Can I ask why you’re asking me this?”
“Because- because Mary keeps bringing it up and I just don’t know anything and I was hoping you could give me some advice,” Sirius said, the entire sentence coming out in a jumbled rush. He then looked at Remus again, his cheeks flaming.
“Well, do you want to have sex with Mary?” Remus asked, avoiding Sirius’ previous question.
“I don’t know! That’s the problem!”
“Well… do you like Mary?” Remus asked. This question made Sirius feel funny.
“Of course I like Mary,” he replied. Mary was kind and funny and interesting and smelled like vanilla. Why wouldn’t Sirius like Mary?
“Well, um, do you like kissing Mary?”
“Yeah,” Sirius mumbled. Remus quirked an eyebrow at him. “I do! It’s just… everyone made kissing seem like this big thing. It’s just kissing. I think it’s overrated, kinda. But kissing Mary is really nice!”
“Okay then,” Remus said slowly, nodding. “Well, if you like Mary and if kissing her is really nice, then you probably want to have sex with her. You’re just nervous about it.”
“Were you nervous?” Sirius asked. By this point he was just assuming Remus had sex before, as he was clearly knowledgeable enough on the topic.
“Yeah,” Remus shrugged. “But I got over it.”
Sirius’ mind began whirring. Who had Remus had sex with? It’s not like he had a girlfriend…
“Did you have sex with Lily?” Sirius asked in disbelief. Remus’ face lit up in alarm.
“What? No. Lily is just a friend,” he said. Sirius opened his mouth again but Remus put a finger up. “No more questions about me.”
“Fine,” Sirius grumbled.
“Anyway. You just have to do it. That’s the only way you’ll get rid of the nerves,” Remus explained. “After that you’ll be fine.”
“How am I supposed to do it?” Sirius asked, panicking all over again.
“Just do it! It’s not that hard of a concept.”
“I know that, but-”
“For fuck’s sake, Sirius, just led Mary lead everything!” Remus said, finally exasperated. He looked at Sirius again, and his expression softened a little. “Look, I know you’re nervous, but it’s going to be fine. Besides, experience is the best teacher.”
Sirius, feeling a little bit better, grumbled at the last bit of Remus’ sentence. “Only you would say something like that, you bloody professor.”
“Is that any way to speak to the person who just gave you advice? Quite embarrassing advice, in fact, the nature of which I could probably gossip about-”
“Okay, stop. Thank you,” Sirius said, smiling at him. And maybe he was imagining it, but Remus definitely blushed a little.
In the weeks after that, Sirius, for some reason, could not for the life of him stop thinking about who on Earth Remus had sex with. It’s just curiosity, he reassured himself, but he wasn’t really curious about Pete’s conquests, or anyone else’s, for that matter. Just Remus’.
Sirius and Mary finally had sex. It was awkward and clumsy and really, really shitty. Sirius avoided the topic in the weeks afterwards. Weeks turned to months and eventually, Mary was sick and tired of Sirius being “so closed off” or so she put it.
“You aren’t even attracted to me!” she yelled at him. Sirius winced.
“That’s not true.”
“Oh yeah? Why won’t you fuck me then? And why are you so cagey about it in the first place? If you’re gay, Sirius, just say that!”
Sirius reeled back, shocked by this insult. His face burned, and his heart was pounding so loudly he could barely hear his next words. “I’m not gay!” he shouted.
“Could’ve fooled me!”
“We’re over. This is over,” Sirius seethed at her.
“Damn right it is,” Mary said, huffing away. Sirius didn’t feel as sad as he thought he would. In fact, in a strange way, he felt relieved. No more kissing for no reason or spending time apart from the Marauders to be with some girl.
The more time he had to reflect on it, though, Sirius realised he missed Mary’s company. She was a kind girl. He wished they could’ve ended things on better terms, but it was simply too late now.

Sirius came back for fifth year the most joyous he’d felt in years. For one, he was away from his family home, which was becoming an increasingly more dangerous place to be. Sirius could feel Regulus slowly taking his place as the perfect heir son. Sirius felt now that disownment was inevitable; there were only so many Gryffindor and Muggle posters he could permanently stick to his wall before his parents would go absolutely berserk on him.
With all of the confinement he’d had that summer (his letters were taken, he was not allowed to talk to Regulus, and he spent many hours locked alone in the library) he’d had a chance to read some of the spell books in his family library. While most of them were on illegal Dark Arts magic, some were actually quite interesting - and useful. Sirius had learned a lot more about animagi, for one.
The first week of the year had not even gone by before Remus had left the dorm to study with Lily again. Sirius seized his opportunity.
“Guess what I learned this summer,” he said excitedly. James and Peter perked up.
“What?”
“Okay, so you know how McGonagall can turn into a cat? That’s because she’s an animagus, right? Well, this summer I spent a lot of time in my family library, and I found out how we can become animagus,” Sirius said excitedly. “And here’s the catch. As a werewolf, Remus wouldn’t recognize us as ourselves, yeah? He’d just see us as prey. But if we were animals…”
James lit up. “Sirius, that’s genius. We could turn into animagi and help him during his transformations.”
Sirius nodded excitedly.
“Do we get to choose our animagus?” Peter asked.
“No, but I’m sure we’ll get something good!” Sirius reassured him.
“What if one of us gets turned into werewolf prey?” Peter asked worriedly.
“Um, well, then they don’t have to come on the full moons then,” Sirius reasoned, nodding confidently.
“Alright then,” Peter said hesitantly. “How long is this going to take?”
Months, as it turned out. It would take them months of failed attempts and frustration and late nights but they finally managed to do it.
The first transformation was the most nerve-wracking.
“What if I get stuck with permanent chicken legs or something?” Peter, who for some reason was convinced his animagus was going to be a chicken, worried.
“You won’t,” James said. “Look, I’ll go first.”
And just like that, James was a magnificent stag. Sirius and Peter gasped in wonder.
“Woah, that’s fucking awesome!” Sirius celebrated. James turned clumsily around on all four legs to see himself in the mirror. Upon doing so, he immediately turned back into himself, punching his fist into the air as he let out a victory cry.
“Okay, I’ll try then,” Pete said, spurred on by James’ confidence. He then disappeared.
“Fuck, where is he?” Sirius cried. “Oh, fuck, Pete, I’m so sorry-”
A high-pitched squeaking then interrupted Sirius, and from under the bed came crawling a small rat.
James began laughing hysterically.
“Pete, you’re a rat!” he said, laughing as he scooped up Peter, who squeaked indignantly, to hold the rat up to the mirror.
James put him down, and Peter transformed back, sprawled out on the floor on all fours.
“I have to be a rat?” he squawked.
“Better than a chicken,” Sirius pointed out. “Alright, it’s my turn.”
All of a sudden, Sirius was down at a much lower level. The world was now painted in muted shades of yellow and blue, and Sirius could smell everything.
He trotted over to the mirror, where he could see himself as a large, shaggy black dog. He shifted back - it was easy, natural.
“Cool!” he said, bouncing on his toes.
James was grinning widely. “I can’t believe we actually did it,” he said.
“We’ve got to tell Remus when he gets back!” Peter said excitedly. James nodded.
“Yeah, that should be within the next half hour or so!” Sirius exclaimed, and the three of them began doing restless activities to keep themselves occupied. Eventually, they heard footsteps on the stairs.
They looked at each other, eyes wide.
“Just act normal,” Sirius hissed.
The doorknob turned, and Remus walked in.
“Hi, Moony!” Sirius said, bouncing up to greet him.
“Hello,” Remus responded, sounding apprehensive. Sirius tried to look up at him in the most innocent way possible - he wasn’t entirely sure if he was pulling it off. Remus looked down at him, a hint of suspicion in his gaze. Remus had grown a lot this past summer; it made Sirius feel funny when he looked up at him. Sirius was the shortest of the Marauders, though (but only by an inch!), so he supposed it was just jealousy.
“What did you do?” Remus asked.
“It’s a good thing, I swear!” Sirius said, boldly grabbing his hands. His stomach swooped. “Don’t be mad. We wanted to do it for you.”
Remus looked even more unsettled than he did previously.
“What did you do?”
Sirius took a deep breath, releasing his hands from Remus’. They burned with the leftover touch. He then turned into a big black dog.
Remus’ jaw dropped. Behind him, James and Peter also turned into their respective animagus forms.
“Oh my God, is this even legal? How the hell did you do this?” Remus said. Sirius turned back.
“I found a spell book back home! Please don’t tell! We did it for you, so we could be there during your transformations,” Sirius explained.
“Sirius, I think that’s really dangerous… the wolf might be able to tell you’re human.”
“It’s worth a try!”
“It really isn’t. I’m not myself when I’m a werewolf. I could hurt you.”
“Remus, mate,” James said, stepping forward and putting a hand on his shoulder. “Calm down, okay? We won’t do anything you’re not comfortable with.”
Sirius wanted to protest, but Peter chimed in. “Yeah, exactly! Plus, I’m a rat and all, so I could probably escape quicker.”
“Right, Pete could be our test run!” James said gleefully.
Remus shook his head, and a smile began to break out on his face. “I can’t believe you guys did this for me,” he said, hands coming up to cover his face.
“We’re friends. It’s what we do,” James said, patting Remus on the back. Peter did the same, nodding in affirmation of the statement. “Besides,” James continued, “you should be thanking Sirius anyway. It was his idea, and he’s the one who figured out how to do it.”
Remus turned to him, and Sirius grinned, suddenly filled with the overwhelming urge to hug him. But that would be weird, right? Before he could overthink it any longer, Remus was the one hugging him. Sirius carefully brought his arms around him. His heart was pounding wildly, and he leaned into the embrace. Remus smelled like chocolate and old books and home.
That’s when it hit him. Mary’s voice echoed in his mind. If you’re gay, just say that.
Alarm bells began to go off in Sirius’ head, and Remus pulled away from the hug, much to his disappointment.
“Thank you, Sirius. Really,” Remus said. His eyes looked a little watery. Sirius smiled again, trying his best not to outwardly convey his inner panic.
“Of course,” he said softly. Then James made some joke, and the moment was gone.
Later that month, Remus was absolutely clear that none of them were to accompany him.
“Look, I really appreciate what you did. Really. But it’s just too dangerous. I can’t let you all put yourselves at risk like that. If I harmed one of you…” Remus said, leaving the rest of the sentence unsaid. If I harmed you, I’d never forgive myself.
Sirius let the words sink in, and then opened his mouth to object, but he felt James give him a hard poke in the back, so he shut his mouth. Remus left for the night.
“James, what the hell?” Sirius said. “We could’ve convinced him!”
James shook his head. “You know Moony. He’d never have budged. You are right, though, it’s definitely worth a try. So we have to do something I don’t usually condone.”
Sirius lit up. “We’re joining him anyway.”
James nodded firmly. “Damn right we are. But I think we should do as we discussed and send Pete in first. He’s small. The wolf might have quick instincts, but Pete will have the size advantage. He can hide in little cracks or tunnels if the wolf tries to get him.”
Peter nodded, looking quite pale.
“Are you sure you’ve got it?” Sirius asked him. Peter’s expression hardened.
“Yeah. I think there’s a really good chance that the wolf will just see me as a harmless animal.”
“I’m sure that’s what will happen. It’s just in case,” James said.
Later that night, the three of them huddled under the invisibility cloak as they escaped the castle to finally reach the Whomping Willow. Peter transformed, pressing the knot in the tree. It stilled.
Sirius shivered as the windy night air swooped around them. Peter turned back, a fearful yet determined expression on his face.
“Okay, then. Good luck, Pete,” James said. Peter nodded, turning into a rat once again and scurrying down the tunnel. Sirius transformed also. In dog form, he was much warmer. James followed suit.
They waited for what felt like forever before a small rat came crawling up the tunnel. Pete turned back.
“It’s safe,” he said. Overjoyed, both Sirius and James turned back into their normal selves, slid down the smallest part of the tunnel, and once inside, transformed again. They then made their way into the Shrieking Shack.
They made their way to the upstairs bedroom, where they found Remus. He was absolutely massive and bloody terrifying, slashing angrily at the walls. Sirius looked down and saw one of the wolf’s back paws was chained.
Sirius whined, gently approaching the wolf. The wolf was apprehensive at first, but approached Sirius cautiously. Sirius’ heart pounded wildly. Though Pete had warned them it was safe, having a full-blown werewolf next to you was still bloody terrifying.
The wolf looked apprehensive still, but wasn’t all-out mauling Sirius, so that was a start. He began hopping around in typical dog form, hoping to initiate play. Dog behavior came very naturally to Sirius, strangely enough.
The wolf caught on, and soon began playing with Sirius. James joined in, with Pete firmly on his back. Pete did fly off a few times, but seemed alright. It was working. The Marauders had successfully kept the wolf entertained, which meant it no longer scratched itself in anger. This kept Remus safe. Next time, they should unchain him and let him roam the Forbidden Forest, Sirius thought.
When the night was almost over, the Marauders snuck out the way they came. The wolf whined when they left the room, which made Sirius feel downright awful.
The night is almost over, he wanted to reassure the poor creature, but he wasn’t all too sure about communicating in words with it quite yet.
After getting back to the dorms to get a minuscule amount of sleep, Peter, James, and Sirius regretfully dragged themselves out of bed in order to fetch a small breakfast before going to visit Remus in the hospital wing before class.
He woke up when they got to his bed, gratefully taking the toast offered to him.
“Good news,” he informed them. “I have hardly any injuries. Pomfrey can’t believe it, says it’s a miracle. She’s making me sleep all morning but says I can attend my classes this afternoon!”
“Er, about that,” James said awkwardly. Sirius and Peter waited nervously for him to break the news. They’d all agreed James should be the one to do it. “We may or may not have accompanied you last night?” He said it like a question, his voice getting higher and higher as he went on.
Remus’ eyes nearly bugged out of his head. “You did what?” he whispered angrily. “Are you fucking crazy? Do you know how dangerous that is?”
“I know, I know,” James said, trying to calm him down. “But it was fine. Everything went fine! The wolf recognizes us as animals, and we were able to keep it entertained most of the night so it didn’t scratch itself!”
“It went really well,” Peter supplied.
“Yeah,” Sirius agreed. “In fact, next time I think we should bring the wolf to the Forbidden Forest. Give it some room to run, you know?”
“Next time?” Remus whispered. “Absolutely not. You are never doing this again.”
Sirius was about to explode, but James’ soothing voice got there first.
“Look, mate, I know we fucked up. I know you told us not to do it and we did it anyway, and we’re really sorry. But what’s done is done, and you’ve got to admit it’s helped loads. We’ve helped you, Remus, which is what we wanted to do this whole time. So please forgive us. All we want to do is keep helping you.”
Sirius and Peter nodded, and Sirius shot Remus a desperate look. Remus took a deep breath, sighing loudly as he considered it. He then nodded his head in resignation.
“Fine. But you can never do anything like that again,” he threatened.
Sirius wanted to hug him, but settled for a friendly pat on the back so as not to make things weird.
“Thank you, mate,” Sirius said.
“I’m the one who should be thanking you,” Remus said, smiling as he shook his head. “So thank you. Really.”
“Of course,” Peter said.
Remus looked at the three of them warily. “Was it scary?” he asked.
It was, but Sirius didn’t say that. “No,” he said firmly, nodding at Remus. Remus smiled sheepishly. Sirius thought that was exactly what he’d needed to hear.

In April of fifth year, Sirius was ganging up on Snape again, as per usual. Snape, the sour little fucker he was, was bringing up Remus’ monthly absences again.
“I’m sure you beat Lupin just as much as me, and that’s why he ends up in the hospital wing every month,” Snape snarled.
“That’s not true,” Sirius said menacingly, pointing his wand in Snape’s direction.
Snape was smirking now. “Oh yeah? Prove it then.”
“I don’t beat him up,” Sirius said again, his blood boiling.
“I said prove it,” Snape replied, ganging up on Sirius' face.
“Prove it yourself. Follow him through the tunnel in the Whomping Willow tonight,” Sirius said, raising his eyebrows in challenge, confident that Snape was too much of a wuss to actually do so.
Later that night, after Remus has left to transform and in between the period the Marauders are waiting to join him, he was ranting to James about his most recent run-in with Snivellus.
“I told him to just follow Remus then. He’s too much of a wuss to do it,” Sirius said. James’ face lit up in alarm, whilst Peter looked terrified.
“What’d you do that for, mate?” Peter said fearfully.
“Sirius, he’s going to follow him. He follows us everywhere,” James said, suddenly very serious. Sirius sat up from where he’d been lying on the bed.
“He wouldn’t.”
“He would, and we’re not going to let Remus kill him,” James said, grabbing his coat.
“James-”
“No. You stay here,” James ordered. “Peter and I are going to save him. Snape doesn’t deserve to die, and you and Remus aren’t killers.”
Sirius followed them anyway, but without the invisibility cloak or the map, Filch caught him out in the corridors after curfew and sent him back to the dorm with a detention slip. Later that night, he was called into McGonagall's office, where he was informed that Snape would have died if not for James, that he has detention for the rest of the year, and that he has been kicked off the quidditch team.
“I want you to think very seriously about your actions, Sirius,” McGonagall said sternly. “You have deeply betrayed your friend and put another student’s life in danger. This is much too far.”
Sirius cried the entire night, especially thinking about the fact that Remus was suffering without them. When James and Peter returned to the dorm, they didn’t say a word to him. The next morning, he tried to see Remus in the hospital wing, but Remus refused to see him. Sirius spent the rest of fifth year in a pit of misery of his own making. The entire school tried to work out what happened, but everyone was tight-lipped about the incident. Sirius was pretty sure the only person who knew besides the Marauders and Snivellus was Lily Evans, who Remus had become even better friends with. The usual glare she gave him was amplified by ten thousand. Sirius was sure not even his mother hated him that much.
It was odd, because even after years of being surrounded by constant belittling and abuse, Sirius had never felt as ashamed as he did then, and so utterly awful about himself. It all came to a crux in early July during the summer, when a screaming match with his parents escalated into something far more awful. Sirius had never felt as much pain in his life as he did after his mother cast the unforgivable curse on him. It was like being electrified, while being beaten at the same time, and mixed with something much, much worse. Sirius felt the pain in his blood, liquid-hot, but also in his mind. He’d been fully rejected by his parents - they didn’t love him, even if they once had. At this point, Sirius doubted it. He wondered if there was anyone else in the world to love him anymore. No parents, no friends. He held onto his brother by barely a string. The physical pain eventually abated, but Sirius’ misery did not.
When he was sent back to his room afterwards, feeling the worst he ever had, Regulus had his things together and was crying.
“Sirius, you have to go to James’,” Regulus said. Sirius began to sob uncontrollably. Could he go to James’? Deep down, he knew he could, that even if they were never friends again, James wouldn’t just completely abandon him. But the surface of his thoughts told an entirely different story. James had no right to help Sirius. Besides, what about Regulus?
“I can’t leave you here,” he said, but he knew it was an empty thing to say. His heart ached with it. He’d completely let Regulus down. But Reggie wasn’t as badly off as Sirius was. They both knew that his parents wouldn’t hurt Reggie like they hurt Sirius. They both knew that Sirius had to leave that place if he was ever going to survive.
Regulus wrapped his arms around Sirius, and when Sirius was finally out of tears, he sneaked out his window. On the way to James’, the thoughts that he’d be kicked to the street again were wildly consuming his mind. Given that James hadn’t spoken a word to him since The Incident, another rejection felt inevitable. But of course when Sirius showed up bleeding on his doorstep he couldn’t say no.
“What happened, mate?” James asked as Euphemia fretted over his wounds. Sirius, tears streaming down his face, looked to the floor.
“I ran away. I had to. She Crucio’d me. I left Regulus there. Merlin, I left him there alone.”
James' mouth opened in horror, and Euphemia Potter gave Sirius the tightest, most motherly hug he’d ever felt.
“You did all you could for your brother,” she reassured him. Sirius broke down in another bout of tears. The very next day, Sirius got a letter in the mail informing him of his disownment. James wrote letters to Peter and Remus, and later that week, Remus had arrived for a visit. Peter was out of town.
Sirius was lying in bed, facing the wall, when Remus came. James left the room, closing the door behind him.
“I’m sorry,” Sirius said for what was probably the millionth time, turning to face Remus with wide, teary eyes.
“I know,” Remus said, smiling tightly as he looked at Sirius in concern. “I forgive you.”
Sirius’ lip started to quiver, his eyes watering. He’d cried more this week than he had in all his life and it made him feel as useless and as shameful as ever. “You don’t have to forgive me because you pity me,” he replied.
“I know that, Sirius,” Remus said gently, and extended an arm in his direction. Sirius fell into him, letting the tears come. His stomach churned with his proximity to Remus, and he cried harder, feeling like an utter disappointment.
“I’m such an idiot.”
“Yes, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be loved,” Remus said back, and Sirius would later go on to repeat this in his head like a mantra for many, many years.

Later that summer, after Remus had left and just before the beginning of their sixth year, James and Sirius were collapsed in the backyard after a round of flying. They lay silently next to each other. Sirius could hear James’ labored breathing. Sirius looked up at the openness of the sky, and the mood seemed to shift.
“James?” he said nervously.
“Yeah, mate?” James said, turning to face Sirius. Sirius stayed looking at the sky, too nerve wracked to look James in the eye.
“Can I tell you something?” he said.
“Yeah, of course, Padfoot. You can tell me anything,” James said, grinning softly.
Sirius gulped. “You can’t get mad.”
“I won’t be mad. Promise,” James replied, and Sirius was reminded vaguely of the conversation he had with Remus in second year about him being a werewolf. But this wasn’t like that. It still concerned Remus, though. In another, far scarier way.
“Um, I think I’m gay,” Sirius said, squeezing his eyes shut. He couldn’t bear to look at James now.
There was a silence. Sirius’ heart was pounding so loudly he was sure James could hear it. He never should’ve said anything-
“Okay then,” James replied, matter of factly.
“Okay?” Sirius said, propping himself up on one elbow to finally look at James.
“Yeah, okay,” James said, shrugging. “Doesn’t matter to me. You’re the same Sirius, aren’t you?”
Sirius nodded, worrying his lower lip between his teeth. “It’s not weird?”
James shook his head. “Not to me.”
Sirius let out a sigh of relief, strangely on the verge of tears. “Okay, then,” he said, looking down at the ground.
“C’mere,” James said, pulling Sirius into an awkward hug. Sirius, touched, hugged him back. They shared a moment before James whispered slyly into his ear, “Fancy any lads?”
Sirius shoved him off, blushing. “No,” he said firmly.
“You do,” James said, looking mischievously gleeful. “Who is it? Is it one of the Prewetts?”
“No, ew,” Sirius said, looking away from him. James thought for another moment, then gasped loudly.
“Oh my God, is it Moony?”
Sirius’ head snapped back to look at him so quickly, and it was confirmed. James began cackling loudly.
“Ha! It is, isn’t it!”
“Shut up!’ Sirius yelped, flushing a brilliant scarlet.
“Oooh, Moony,” James teased. Sirius punched him, hard. James, rubbing his shoulder, kept laughing.
When he finally stopped after another glare (and painful punch) from Sirius, James said, “All jokes aside, you should go for it. I don’t know if Remus goes for lads, but I suppose I wouldn’t be too surprised.”
Sirius’ face was a permanent shade of red. He shook his head. James shrugged.
“Well, alright then. Race you inside.”

When sixth year came about, the Marauders were as chummy as they ever were, sending the school’s rumor mill running all over again. Everything eventually went back to normal, though, except for things with Lily Evans. No matter how chummy Remus and Sirius were, she still gave Sirius stony glares whenever she got the chance.
News also went around about Sirius’ disownment. It was suddenly like first year all over again with the looks people were giving him. Looks of pity, judgement. Sirius hated it even more than the first time, and he ended up with a continuously larger stack of detentions and lectures than previously from the amount of pranks he was pulling.
After one particularly nasty one involving a head-growing (illegal) hex, he and James were to receive separate lectures from McGonagall. James had the luxury of going first, meaning that Sirius was forced to wait outside of her office. He was particularly nervous because unlike other teachers, who gave run-of-the-mill lectures that Sirius could easily handle, McGonagall was always so mushy-gushy with hers. Sirius hated it.
James came walking out, giving Sirius a pitying look.
“She’s ready for you,” he said, looking guilty. Sighing, Sirius made his way into McGonagall’s office, taking a seat in one of the two chairs before her desk.
“Mr. Black,” McGonagall began.
“Professor.”
“I don’t know why you chose such an awful, much less illegal, spell to cast, or why you chose poor Mr. Aubrey as a target, but you have detention for the rest of the term.”
Sirius wilted, but he secretly rejoiced. Detention he could handle - it could’ve been a lot worse.
“Your detentions will be served with Mr. Filch,” McGonagall stated, raising an eyebrow sternly at him. Ah, so that was the catch. It was fine. Sirius could handle that. It wasn’t forever, anyway. He braced himself for the worst part of the lecture, and winced when McGonagall got straight into things.
“I understand you’ve been recently disowned,” she said. “May I ask how that happened?”
“I ran away,” Sirius said, looking down at the pattern on the bottom of her desk.
“Why?” she asked.
“I just did,” Sirius replied. He knew this was one of her strange lecturing tactics; Euphemia Potter had probably already informed her of what happened.
McGonagall hummed in acknowledgement. “I see. Well, Mr. Black, just because people take pity on your situation and treat you differently doesn’t mean you can perform illegal curses on them. Is that understood?”
“Yes, professor,” Sirius said begrudgingly. He wanted to be out of there.
“Illegal curses are illegal for a reason,” McGonagall reiterated, and Sirius got the distinct feeling that she wasn’t just talking about the head-growing curse anymore.
“I know,” he said.
“I think you do know. I think you know a lot better than most people,” McGonagall said. Yeah, they definitely weren’t talking about Bertram Aubrey anymore.
Sirius looked up at her, unsure of how to respond. She was giving him an expectant look that was laced with something else - Sirius couldn’t tell exactly what, but he got the strange, uncomfortable feeling he often did when she lectured him. Like she actually cared about his well-being. His eyes fell back down to the floor as he nodded.
“Alright then, Mr. Black. Go straight back to your common room, and no more illegal curses. You hear me?” McGonagall said.
“Yes, professor,” Sirius said, and was finally released. He met James in the hallway and they walked back to the common room together.

On the weekend of Halloween that year, the Marauders threw quite a large party. During fifth year, they had become increasingly infamous for throwing excellent parties. This largely had to do with the fact that they had managed to create the Map, which allowed their sneaking around to be amplified severely, but also because they knew every nook and cranny of the school, including the secret passageways. This meant that acquiring essential partying materials - mostly alcohol, of course - was much easier. Everyone loved them for it.
During the party, Sirius drank quite a bit, and rejoiced in the strange, carefree feeling of liveliness that alcohol induced. He did lots of dancing, singing, and just generally had a good time. The people around him shared the same energy, and the party was a blast, alight with young teenage joy. The silence charms everyone had helped to put in place also helped tremendously, as nobody had to worry about getting caught by a professor.
Remus drank quite a bit as well - Sirius liked drunken Remus. He was as cool and chill as ever but spoke more freely than usual. So Sirius really shouldn’t have been surprised when they ended up dancing together for lots of the night, or when both of them collapsed on Remus’ bed near the end.
“I love your scars,” Sirius said, tracing one on Remus’ face. Remus blushed, turning away.
“They’re just scars,” he said.
“No, no,” Sirius said, in a haste to correct him. “They’re not. They’re so pretty, Moony.”
Remus’ cheeks got even redder. “If anyone is pretty, Sirius, it’s you.”
“You think I’m pretty?” Sirius asked, and Remus turned to him.
“Everyone thinks so.”
Sirius lost all sense of self-preservation, all sense of logic. “I don’t care what everyone thinks. I care what you think,” he said. He could feel himself getting closer and closer to Remus, and something inside him screamed that it was a bad idea, but Sirius didn't care. He wanted to kiss Remus so badly.
“Well, then,” Remus replied, leaning in closer to Sirius, “I think you’re pretty just because you are. Not because everyone says so.”
Sirius couldn’t tell who leaned in first, but the next thing he knew, Remus’ mouth was on his. And it was unimaginable. It might’ve been the alcohol, but Sirius was pretty sure it was just Remus who made the experience so wonderful. He’d been wrong before, so wrong, when he said kissing was overrated. He just hadn’t been kissing the right people; not at all.
They stopped to come up for air, and both of them heard the doorknob turn. That’s when the self-preservation instincts finally kicked in for both of them, and they moved quickly away from one another as James came into the room. He was also quite tipsy.
“What a night!” he proclaimed, throwing himself down on the bed between Remus and Sirius. Sirius nodded in agreement.
“Where’s Pete?’ Remus asked.
James shrugged. Sirius couldn’t remember much after that, but he somehow woke up in his own bed the next morning.
The fuzz in his mind gradually cleared as he woke up.
He’d kissed Remus.
Holy shit, he’d kissed Remus.
Sirius snapped his head to look over at Remus’ bed. Remus was still there, sleeping as soundly and as beautifully as ever. Oh, fuck.
It’s not that he hadn’t wanted it to happen, but what did this mean? Was their friendship ruined? Did Remus want it to happen, or was it just Sirius?
Sirius groaned, flopping back down on his bed. His head began to pound relentlessly. Fuck alcohol, he thought ot himself. Fuck the way it lowered his inhibitions in a completely reckless way.
Sirius went down to breakfast before Remus woke up. It was easier that way, so he could wait longer to look him in the eyes. Soon after he’d buttered his toast, James entered the Great Hall, looking extremely disheveled.
“Bloody hell,” he said, sitting down across from Sirius. “I feel like absolute shit.”
Sirius chuckled, shaking his head. “Same, mate. Alcohol will do that to you.”
He considered asking James for advice on what he now mentally referred to as ‘The Remus Incident’ but decided against it. James was hardly in a state to give any solid advice right now, and Sirius was probably not too well off hearing it. Besides, he didn’t want to out Remus or anything. If Remus was even gay? Sirius had no idea. Fuck.
Remus came down to breakfast soon after James, seeming as cool as ever but clearly avoiding Sirius’ eyes. He sat down next to him, but at a distance that seemed further away than usual.
James groaned, looking up at Remus. Remus laughed.
“Feeling alright there, mate?”
Another groan. “I’m never drinking again.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Remus said, patting him on the back and then reaching for the eggs.
“Sleep well?” Sirius asked lamely.
“Fine,” Remus replied, sounding weirdly distant. Sirius’ heart pounded even harder.
They didn’t talk much for the remainder of breakfast, and afterwards, Remus was off to the library to do homework. Feeling awfully on edge, Sirius decided to calm his nerves by going out to the Quidditch pitch to practice drills. He wasn’t on the team anymore, but he still enjoyed flying as a form of exercise. It worked well in calming his nerves, but as soon as he saw Remus again at dinner, they peaked again. Remus seemed to want to forget it ever happened. Sirius sighed, resigning himself to do the same. In the days afterward, the subject was never brought up. Days turned into months, but no matter how hard Sirius tried to forget, the kiss still burned heavily in his mind, and his desire for Remus only grew.

The tension really came to a head sometime in March, when the Marauders were running down the corridors from Filch. Breathless, Sirius shoved himself beside Remus in a small closet, slamming the door shut behind him.
“Whew, that was close,” he said, and he realised then just how small the closet was. He could feel Remus’ breath on his cheek, and he was almost pressed entirely against his body.
“How long do you think we’ll have to wait?” Remus asked.
“Not sure. Let me check the hallway,” Sirius said, and then tried the doorknob. “Fuck.”
“What?”
“It’s locked.”
“Shit,” Remus said under his breath. “Well, then, we’ll have to wait on Peter and James to save us. Why did we leave our wands behind again?”
“Seemed a good idea at the time,” Sirius grumbled. “How are they going to find us anyway?”
“Probably the map,” Remus reasoned.
“Oh, duh,” Sirius said sheepishly. “What are we supposed to do?”
“Wait it out, I guess. Why is it so small in here?”
“Beats me,” Sirius said, scooching away to try to give Remus some space. His attempt was wildly unsuccessful; they were still quite close. Sirius felt as though all of his senses were strangely heightened. Remus was so close he could kiss him again. And Merlin, he wanted to.
“Do you think they got caught?” Remus asked, clearly trying to cut through the silence, which was stuffy and unbearable.
“Probably. Idiots,” Sirius said.
“Oh, like you’ve never been caught before,” Remus said, laughing.
“Shut up,” Sirius replied, but he cracked a smile anyway. The air quieted. Sirius shifted; it sounded like an alarm bell in the fragile silence.
“Sirius?” Remus said, and Sirius heard him lick his lips.
“Yeah?” Sirius’ heart was pounding so loudly he was sure Remus’ enhanced senses picked up on it.
“Are you queer?” Remus asked. Sirius was taken aback, not having expected the question.
“Are you?” he asked back, feeling too afraid to admit the truth.
“Yeah,” Remus said breathlessly. “I like girls, too, but also boys.”
Sirius took a deep breath in relief. He swallowed loudly. “I’m pretty sure I only like boys,” he said.
“That’s fine,” Remus said. “Nothing to be ashamed of.”
Sirius felt his heart swell, and then contract again. The words were comforting and painful all at the same time.
“Any boys in particular?” Remus asked.
Sirius’ mouth felt as dry as a bone. “Why?”
“Because-” Remus hesitated, taking a deep breath. “Can I kiss you?”
Sirius didn’t even bother answering the question. He simply surged forward, placing a hand on the side of Remus’ head and moving it to cup his jaw before drawing his face towards his. After a couple seconds - it was harder to find one another in complete darkness - their lips met. It was just like Sirius remembered, if not better. Remus tasted like chocolate and home. Sirius’ heart ached with the thought of it, and he kissed Remus harder. Remus kissed him back just as fiercely - Sirius wondered if their kiss on Halloween had been as consuming of Remus’ thoughts as it had Sirius’.
They eventually broke apart, gasping for air, and Sirius leaned his forehead against Remus’, simply breathing him in.
“I’ve wanted to do that for so long,” Remus said.
“Me too. I was such an idiot after Halloween. I’m sorry,” Sirius said as Remus brushed a lock of hair behind his ear. It didn’t seem possible, but Sirius felt his face warm even more.
“I was an idiot too,” Remus said. “It’s okay, Sirius.”
Hearing Remus’ sweet, genuine tone and the crisp way he said Remus’ name made Sirius grab him completely by the face and kiss him all over again. It felt like flying. It felt like freedom.
They kissed until the doorknob jiggled loudly, and they broke apart quickly, in shock.
“Remus? Sirius? Are you in there?” Peter said.
“Yeah, we’re locked in,” Sirius called out. A moment later, the door opened, and the two of them came tumbling out.
“Damn, it’s small in there,” Peter commented.
Sirius nodded. “Yeah, thanks for letting us out, Pete.”
“Did you get caught?” Remus asked.
“Nah, transformed. James got caught though. He’s taking the blame for all of us.”
“Good lad,” Sirius said, smiling as he started walking towards Gryffindor Tower. He felt like he could accomplish anything, at that moment. Like he was on top of the world. He stole a glance at Remus, who looked like his normal self save for his slightly swollen lips and messier than usual hair. Sirius nearly swooned at the sight. Fuck, he was down bad.
In the weeks following what Sirius liked to call ‘The Closet Incident,’ Sirius and Remus snuck out more and more, snogging behind old tapestries and in the secret tunnel and even in the Forbidden forest once. There were many close calls, but they never quite got caught.
One day in late April, they were down by the lake skipping stones. Sirius sensed something different in the air, and he knew what it was immediately - real talk. Not just kissing. Remus wanted to talk about what exactly they were doing, and though it terrified Sirius to do so, he knew he needed to talk about it too.
Remus looked down at the lake. “So,” he said. “What are we doing here?”
“Snogging?” Sirius tried. An unamused look. Sirius tried to reign it in - he knew this was serious. Haha.
“Really, Sirius. What are we doing? Just snogging? Or what?”
Sirius wanted it to be more than that. He wanted it so desperately it felt impossible. For what if Remus left him someday? Decided he wasn’t good enough? Saw him for what he really was?
Sirius took a deep breath, trying to contain his fears. For Merlin’s sake, he was a Gryffindor. He’d been put there for a reason.
“I-” He paused, swallowing, “I would like it to be more than just snogging.”
Remus stared at him.
“If that’s what you want,” he said quickly.
Remus smiled. “Of course that’s what I want.”
Sirius nearly collapsed from relief. Remus gently took his hand.
“Can I call you my boyfriend?” he asked Sirius, softly. Kindly.
Sirius felt like such a girl with the way he was about to faint in Remus’ arms, so instead he just hugged him, whispering into his ear, “Yes.”
And so it was. From then on, Sirius and Remus wouldn’t just snog, but talk - they talked a lot, a lot more than they ever did as friends. They talked about anything and everything, and held hands, and did sappy couple things. Sirius had never been more content. He was pretty sure Remus Lupin was the love of his life.

In the summer before seventh year, the Marauders arranged a week-long visit at James’ house, just the four of them.
“It’ll be our last hurrah before the real world!” James had said jokingly to Sirius, implying that immediately upon graduation they’d finally be forced to grow up. Sirius knew this all too well, and dreaded it. With the war looming in the distance, Sirius was doubtful and unsure about any future career prospects. Nevertheless, he still had a year of Hogwarts to look forward to, and the fact that Remus was coming. Sirius hadn’t seen him all summer. Living with James was all well and good, and at least a million times better than living with his own family, but he missed Remus more than he’d ever missed anyone before.
The minute he arrived, Sirius grabbed him around the middle in a bear hug, causing Remus to drop his suitcase to hug Sirius in return.
“Moony!” Sirius said happily, looking up at Remus, who was a good five inches taller than him. He wanted to kiss him so badly it felt impossible to restrain himself, but James was standing right there, waiting to hug Remus himself.
Sirius stepped back, and Remus clapped him on the back, attempting to be ‘friendly’ in front of James. James, however, gave Sirius a knowing look. He still thought Sirius was just hopelessly pining after Remus. Sirius wanted so badly to stick out his tongue at James and yell that he’d actually gotten the guy, but the thought filled him with terror as well. Him and Remus weren’t ready for that yet. Or at least, Remus wasn’t, which is something Sirius had assumed. They’d never actually discussed it.
They really were shit a writing letters. Being in person was a million times earlier.
Mrs. Potter ushered Remus to his very own guest room, right next to Sirius and across from James. The boys had begged to share a room, but Mrs. Potter had put her foot down, declaring that they’d be hanging out all day anyway, and they needed their sleep.
Peter arrived later that day, and got the room next to James’.
“It’s lucky you have such a big house, James,” Peter said.
“Yeah,” James replied, scratching the bqck of his neck awkwardly. Remus and Peter shared a look that was entirely lost on James and extremely subtle to Sirius. Money was a topic that was rarely discussed amongst them, though they all knew that Sirius and James belonged to some of the richest families in the Wizarding World, while Peter was strictly middle-class and Remus’ family just staying afloat. Sirius’ financial luck had continued even after his disownment, what with a large inheritance from his uncle Alphard.
The topic changed quickly after that, though. The boys spent the remainder of the day flying about, pranking James’ parents about a dozen times, and generally enjoying the carefree feeling that came from their youth. Any negative feelings about the fragility of that youth were pushed away, lost to the sun.
At dinner, Remus whispered to Sirius, “Your room later?”
Sirius had nodded, blushing. He then caught James waggling his eyebrows at him from across the table. Sirius gave him a glare that nearly rivaled his mother’s.
Later that night, Sirius waited anxiously in his room, tossing and turning and twisting the blankets in his hands. Before long, Remus slipped in through the door, barely making a sound.
“Remus!” Sirius began, but Remus held a finger over his lips, shushing him.
“Do you want us to get caught?” he whispered playfully. Sirius grinned, pulling him down for a kiss. It felt like breathing fresh air again. Though they’d only been apart for about a month and a half, it had felt like years. Sirius didn’t know what waiting for years really felt like, not at the time.
Sirius broke the kiss to look up at Remus again, and he felt his heart swell. He would wait for Remus for a lifetime. A thousand lifetimes.
“I missed you,” Remus said shyly.
Sirius nodded. “Me too.”
“How’s summer been?”
“Good. It’s better now,” Sirius said, smiling again as he kissed Remus again, and again and again. Eventually, they’d moved to the bed, where Remus hovered over Sirius, making him reach up for his mouth. Sirius had never felt so magical in his life - every nerve was alight with sensation. He was breathing Remus in like he was heaven or holy water.
“Remus, Remus, Remus,” he whispered, as Remus moved over him, blessing them both. Sirius fought to be quiet.
Afterwards, Remus spelled them clean, and they lay there together. The moonlight streamed through the thin curtains, making the room appear in a shadowy haze.
They fell asleep there, in each other’s arms.
Sirius awoke the next morning to a loud knocking on the door. His eyes opened slowly, adjusting to the sunlight.
“Padfoot!” James called, referring to Sirius by one of the animagus-correlated nicknames they’d given each other at the beginning of sixth year. “Padfoot, get up! We’ve got to find Remus! He’s gone missing form his bed and we can’t find him anywhere!”
Sirius groaned, propping himself up on one arm. “Just a second!” he called back.
Oh, fuck.
Remus was also awake, and was giving Sirius a worried look.
“What do we do?” Sirius whispered in alarm.
“Hide?” Remus suggested, and then he hesitated for a moment before saying, “Or we could tell them?”
Sirius’ eyebrows shot up. “Are you ready for that?”
“Are you?”
“I mean, maybe, but-”
“I’m coming in!” James yelled, and Sirius couldn’t even get a word of protest in before he was barging through the door, Peter behind him.
There was a silence.
“Remus? What are you doing in here?” Peter asked, taking in both his and Sirius’ disheveled appearances and their tangled legs. “Did you sleep in here?”
“Um-” Sirius began. “Remus and I, well, um, we are, uhh-” He grasped wildly for Remus’ hand.
“We’re dating,” Remus said plainly, finishing Sirius’ sentence for him as he took his hand. Sirius squeezed it, his heart pounding.
James burst out laughing. “About time!” he said.
Peter just looked confused, but his expression started to fade into amusement. He shook his head. “I guess it does make sense,” he said, mostly to himself.
“You owe me-” James began, but Peter cut him off.
“I know,” he said begrudgingly. Sirius’ jaw dropped.
“You bet on us?” he cried. James shrugged.
Beside Sirius, Remus shook his head. “Of course they fucking did.”
James then noticed their not-so-subtle hand-holding. “You better not be all gross,” he threatened.
Sirius cupped Remus’ face in response, kissing him very passionately. James threw a pillow at them.
Yeah, Sirius reasoned as he picked up the pillow to launch it back at James, everything was going to be alright.

It hadn’t even been a week since Sirius returned to Hogwarts for his seventh year, and the rumor mill was running wild.
About Regulus, specifically.
Sirius was sitting in the dining hall for breakfast, a few minutes ahead of his friends, when he heard a couple of sixth years whispering a few seats away from him.
“Did you hear?” One of them asked, his eyes bugging out. “Regulus Black has got the Dark Mark.”
“You’re kidding,” another one said, staling a glance at Sirius. Sirius continued on pouring himself some pumpkin juice, acting as if he hadn’t heard a thing.
“Yeah, and he’s not the only one. Apparently a bunch of other Slytherins have it too.”
“Are all of the Blacks loyal to him?” One of them asked, lowering their voice quite a bit when they said it. Sirius, however, had gained a slight hearing advantage since becoming an animagus, and picked up every word.
“No, you idiot,” another one hissed. “Sirius got disowned, remember? He’s not a Black anymore. And he’s a Gryffindor anyway.”
It was at that moment when Remus sat across from him, startling Sirius.
“You good?” Remus asked, giving him a look. Sirius nodded, but perhaps too fast. Remus raised an eyebrow, but dropped it.
Later that day, Sirius made it his mission to track down Regulus, no matter what it took. He was just about to head to Transfiguration when he saw him walking right past one of the tapestries with a hidden alcove. Sirius moved swiftly, grabbing his arm tightly and sweeping him behind the cloth, Transfiguration be damned.
“What the hell?” Regulus said loudly. Sirius muttered a silencing charm.
“Show me your arm,” he demanded. Reggie’s face went cold.
“Sirius-”
“Show me,” Sirius said. He said it harshly and loudly, sounding exactly like his father. Sirius winced when he realised it, breaking his firm exterior.
“You know what’s there,” Regulus replied, sounding strangely unemotional. Sirius, tired of the back and forth, grabbed his arm and pushed the sleeve up.
There it was. The Dark Mark, just like the sixth years had said. It sat motionlessly on Regulus’ arm, looking as sick and as evil as Sirius imagined.
He felt like he was going to be ill. It was Regulus. His little brother. The one he was supposed to protect.
“Tell me you’re not really loyal to him,” Sirius begged, gripping Regulus’ arm tighter than ever. “Please tell me.” His throat was tight, and he sounded raw and broken. He could feel tears slipping out of his eyes.
“I needed to do this,” Regulus hissed, wrenching his arm out of Sirius’ grasp. “Don’t you see? I’m the heir now. This is our legacy, Sirius. This is who we are.”
Sirius shook his head wildly. “No, Regulus, no. It’s not.”
“Yes, it is,” Regulus said, sounding as if he was pleading with Sirius. “It might not be who you are anymore. You might’ve moved on with your Gryffindor friends and happy-go-lucky life, but I stayed behind. You left me there, and now I will carry on the legacy, not you. And this is it, right here.” He thrust his arm at Sirius. “This is proof of my loyalty. Because I was strong enough for it.”
Sirius’ lip quivered. “That’s not fair. I was fucked from the start and you know it.”
“I don’t care,” Regulus said, baring his teeth at Sirius. “You’re not the one living in that house with those people, carrying out those family traditions. I am.”
“I’m sorry. Please,” Sirius cried. He felt like he was losing it. The guilt was overwhelming.
“It’s too late for you to protect me,” Regulus said, sounding resigned as he slid his sleeve back up again. “This is who I am now.” He turned to leave, but Sirius grabbed his arm again.
“Regulus,” he said brokenly, and pulled him into his body. Before Regulus had time to react, Sirius was crushing him in a hug. He sobbed into Regulus’ shoulder, mourning what could have been. The shame was crashing through him in waves, and the water flowed mercilessly from his eyes. What he could have done for Regulus, and how that could’ve saved him from the evils of his parents.
Deep down, though, Sirius knew it was too late. It was just as Regulus himself had said: this was who he was. He was a Slytherin, and a Black, and all of the things Sirius never was. He was a walking reminder of Sirius’ failures.
Sirius let out another sob as he let Regulus go. He wanted to hug him forever, to protect him, but it was far too late now. Regulus gave him a resigned look that was endlessly sad. He then nodded tightly, pulling back the tapestry and continuing down the hallway.
Sirius didn’t know what to do. The guilt overwhelmed his body, causing him to sink to the floor, gripping his knees. Reliant on the silencing spell, he allowed himself to cry. He cried loudly, into the emptiness of the stone alcove. Not even his disownment had made him feel so alone. He’d lost all of them now: his entire family, to one man.
And Merlin, Sirius hated him.
Eventually, he stopped crying. He didn’t know what time it was, or how long he’d been there. A logical part of his brain knew he should leave, walk back up to the common room, to dinner, to somewhere, but he couldn’t move. He felt Regulus there, as he had just been. He couldn’t leave this place now - the last reminder of their frail connection. A connection that was now severed for good.
After what could've been a few moments or hours on end, Remus pulled back the tapestry, a concerned and angered look on his face. Upon seeing Sirius, his features softened.
“Sirius?” he asked quietly. Sirius lifted his face from where it rested inside his arms upon his knees. When he saw Remus, he let out another sob, and then burst into tears all over again.
Remus sat behind him, letting the tapestry fall to cover the two of them. He had the map in his hand, but he tucked it into his back pocket, circling his other arm around Sirius.
“Regulus,” Sirius managed to get out, and Remus nodded in understanding, rubbing gentle circles into his back.
“I was supposed to protect him,” Sirius finally said, when the worst of the sobs had faded and he was just sitting there with tears running down his face.
“You did the best you could,” Remus said softly. Sirius shook his head.
“No I didn’t. I should’ve done more.”
“It’s not your fault, Sirius,” Remus said, giving him a kind yet pointed look. “Do you hear me? It is not your fault. You did everything you possibly could, but you were in an awful place, and Regulus made his own decisions.”
“But he wouldn’t have-”
“Sirius,” Remus said firmly, cutting him off. “What’s done is done. It’s not your fault. Alright?”
Sirius nodded, wiping the tears off his cheeks. He didn’t believe a word Remus said, but he could lie to himself for now. They sat there for a moment, and Sirius relished in the feeling of Remus’ arm around him, making him able to breathe.
Finally, just as Sirius’ body was feeling the uncomfortable effects of being curled up on hard concrete for hours, Remus asked, “Do you want to head to dinner?”
Sirius nodded, and they exited the alcove together.

The last weeks of school were upon them. It had all gone by so quickly, and with it, the looming war. Sirius wasn’t going to worry about that now, though. He had three weeks left of his childhood, and then he’d start thinking into the future.
Remus was worried about it, he could tell. The only thing both he and Remus could be sure of was the flat they’d be sharing. Miraculously, James had finally bagged Lily Evans, thereby crushing James and Sirius’ plans of sharing a flat after Hogwarts. Sirius wasn’t terribly torn up about it, though. James was just a simple apparition away and he and Remus could finally have some privacy. They’d begun haring a bed in the dorm, much to the dismay of James and Peter, but it had been a blessing to wake up to Remus every morning. He was achingly beautiful.
Sirius turned to look at that beauty now. He and Remus were stretched out on a patch of grass by the lake, soaking in the sun. Sirius felt as happy as a cat in the warmth, and Remus looked just as content. Sirius grinned to himself. Finally, Moony was ridding himself of those foolish anxieties.
Sirius glanced around, but nobody was about, so he curled into Remus’ side. Remus hummed, wrapping an arm around him. Sirius felt something rising within him, a force so strong he was powerless to quell it when the words came slipping out.
“I love you,” he said quietly.
Remus propped himself up on an elbow, giving Sirius a look. Sirius got really nervous all of a sudden - was it too soon?
Instead, Remus smiled, teeth and all. It was like a ray of sunshine, or maybe gentle moonlight.“I love you too,” he said. Sirius felt like he might burst. He hugged Remus around the middle, tightly. Like he was gripping on for dear life. He felt strangely like crying.
“Shh, love,” Remus said, coating Sirius to lay on top of him. He then hugged him back. Sirius buried his face into the crook of Remus’ neck, smelling parchment and ink and woodsy cologne. He’d never felt so loved in his life.
After a long moment, Sirius lifted his head up again. Remus was giving him a tender look. Sirius felt a tear slip out as he kissed Remus. It was salty-sweet.
Sirius rolled off Remus afterwards, curling into his side again. Remus ran his fingers through Sirius’ hair. Sirius sighed, content.
He could do this forever.