Chapter Text
'I hurt myself and everything around me'
those are the first thoughts that run through his head at fucking 5 am he hasn't eaten, slept or even had any water
no
he's not good enough for that
he doesn't know why he's like this, he doesn't like it in fact he hates it but he can’t do anything about it he knows when he talks to his therapist today, she’s going to tell him "The only one who can change you is you, shinsou" but he can’t bring himself to do it he doesn’t know how to change he feels stuck and oddly aware of everything that’s around him the bed under him the comforter by his feet his walls and posters his stuffed animals his desk his backpack in the corner even the plants and the pencil by his dresser and everything in his dresser and closet the hangers his shirts and shoes his pants the shirt on his chest and his pajama pants, its too much he strips his shirt and pants and lays back on his back
he can feel /everything/
everything but himself
like hes not even here
it’s sickening
having these little moments of anxiety & hyperawareness where everything is so.....alive almost.
everything but him
It feels like he's spiraling in these little moments but also floating? feeling everything but nothing at least he can feel something other than the numbness the cutting and punching used to help but now it just stings it doesn’t do anything He's stuck in a downward spiral and due to hit rock bottom any day now and when he hits rock bottom he's gonna stay there cause he doesn't know how to go up he's just gonna drown in himself till he dies and when he dies everything around him is gonna burn and the world will be whole again
although thats illogical think and he knows that
hitoshi shinsou isnt anything if not logical...he tells himself
however the thought that pops in his head he's convinced isnt illogical at all. 'im miserable' he'll say 'im allowed to have those morbid thoughts'
"I could just.." he's talking out loud he doesn't know who he is talking to...maybe himself.
"The roof isn't too far...I don't have to feel this" but then again he can't bring his stupid body to move to go to that damn roof.
thoughts of his papa and dad and even his little sister who hasn't even been in his life for that long
'How do you explain that to a little girl' he thinks about how that conversation would go, how his parents would have to explain why he isn't coming home, how he's gone
'Shes been through enough heartache' he states
hours go by maybe seconds time is a construction of human imagination its not real
nothing is real
not anymore
'I don’t feel human'
he feels like he was meant to be somewhere else not cause he's special or different cause god knows he's anything but, no because he feels so fucking wrong like he was put here by mistake, he feels disconnected from his body, he feels like two separate beings like his mind and body are two different consequences, two separate beings, sometimes he can feel his body telling his mind to
Be kind to himself and take a break or his mind telling my body to shut up we have to keep pushing...its awfully annoying
but
when he feels like his head has so many different voices, not his mind his head he can feel his body his organs his bones his muscles telling him this isn’t ok this isn’t normal
‘we need help’ But he's not normal he can’t be helped and it’s not all too bad just a little annoying but
"I feel so fucking disconnected" the thought runs through his mind on repeat.
But some days it’s ok, They are both quiet these days and he feels like a whole being still not a person but he feels whole They are still there
his mind and body are still separate from himself but he still feels whole like an entirely new thing Still scared confused and sad, But whole, he wonders where he's supposed to be, Or who he's supposed to be, And if he'll be that “person” or get to that place
he can’t stop shaking his vision is flattening.
then a knock on his bedroom door "Hey Hun you ok?" he hears through his door
he doesn't say a word just lays there.... terrified
"Tosh, bud if you don't answer im gonna have to open the door, man."
he rolls over hoping he can pretend to be asleep then he feels the sting on his thighs.
'oh yea that's right last night I... oh fuck he's gonna see that' he covers his legs and rolls over to face the wall just in time, his papa opens the door and peaks his head in,
he sees Hitoshi rolled over 'he's hiding' he thinks. he stalks his way to his sons bed and sits down next to him placing his hand on Hitoshi's shoulder.
"hey sweetheart, you doin' ok?" no response he's just staring at the wall
'....one of those days'
"alright iv got you love just wait here" he gets up and walks away
'he left you' the intrusive thoughts gets louder
'he left you here to rot'
"no he didnt hes just...'
he trys to fight but..
'Your rotting your nothing but rot' the thoughts get louder and louder his head his throbbing and he curls in on himself, fetal position, holding his head in his hands and clenching his teeth trying his damndest not to cry 'i am not going to cry over a few little thoughts that mean nothing'
'you. are. nothing.'
....he starts sobbing
and holds himself and then his papa walks in, but he doesn't move he just lays there and cry's
his papa comes and lays down in between him and the wall and sets one of the family cats down between them and runs his hand through his sons hair in hopes of calming him down
"im here baby im right here" but he's ignored Hitoshi continues to sob but he scoots closer and cradles boots (the cat) in his arms as mic wraps his arms around his son and rubs his back
a few minutes go by and hitoshi as tired himself out and has fallen asleep and mic lays there with him and boots and just....loves him
giving him back rubs and a few kisses while humming lowly and waits listing to his slow even breathing and seeing his tear stained cheeks and it breaks his heart
"im got you...iv got you" he says as he holds his son tight