Work Text:
Workplace resources had locked the attic down few months after Jane's disappearance, but Lisbon knew that Jane wouldn't let that stop him. After overseeing Lorelei's transfer, she made her way up the stairs and, as expected, found the heavy metal door ajar, the picked padlock discarded on the floor.
When she peeked inside, she saw Jane lying on his make-shift bed like he'd never left at all. She didn't knock to announce her arrival, just stepped into the room. Even though Jane's eyes were closed, she could tell that he was only pretending to sleep, and had probably already recognised that it was her.
"Hey."
"Hey," he replied, but didn't open his eyes.
His hands were resting on his stomach, the fingers of his right hand wrapped around the left. She could still see the bandage on his ring finger where the boltcutter had nicked his skin, and she repressed a shudder, the wound a reminder of just how close they had been to a disaster.
"We need to talk."
A lazy grin spread on Jane's face.
"What?" she asked, irritation creeping into her voice.
He finally opened his eyes, his smile only growing wider. "Oh, nothing. I just- I just suddenly realised just how much I'd missed you." He sat up, stretching his neck to work out the kinks, and then swung his legs down on the floor. "I'm all yours."
He patted the mattress next to him, but she didn't sit down, choosing to remain standing so that he was forced to look up at her.
"Pat told me that you were charged with possession when you got arrested."
"Straight for the jugular," he muttered, and then shrugged, as if being accused of using drugs was something that happened to him every day. "It was just for show. I bought some pills off a guy I met at a casino to make it look real, in case Red John was watching me."
She swallowed the urge to tell him to stop lying to her, and just said nothing. It was something she'd learned from Jane years ago - Let them fill the silence, he'd said. Deep down, nobody wants to have secrets.
Finally Jane looked away. She wasn't sure if he was indulging her because he recognised what she was doing, or if he was just so out of his game that he hadn't realised that she'd played him.
"And I had to stay alert, so I also got a little something to help me sleep," he said.
She sighed. "Jane..."
She wanted to be angry at him, for not taking care of himself, for betraying her, for everything that he'd done, but deep down, she wasn't really mad at him. Mostly, she just felt pity. She couldn't even imagine what it would be like to live your life thinking that there was someone watching your every move; treating everyone you met a possible spy.
And speaking of spies... "When did Lorelei tell you she was working for Red John? Was it before or after you slept with her?"
He still wasn't looking at her. "After. She told me in the morning that our night together had been a gift from him."
"But you already knew that, didn't you?"
He shrugged again. "I suspected she might be one of Red John's disciples, yes."
"And you still slept with her." She took a step sideways, positioning herself back in his line of sight. "Don't try to tell me you just needed to make it look real."
He looked up at her, and for a moment there was something almost like defiance in his eyes. She held his gaze, her jaw tightening. If he made a comment about her being jealous of Lorelei, or something equally ridiculous, she was going to hit him. Hard.
He seemed to read her mind, because he remained quiet.
"What if it hadn't been me?" she asked.
He frowned, looking confused, but she knew he was just pretending not to understand what she was asking.
"What if Red John had asked you to kill someone else?" she continued. "Would you have done it? I'm not stupid, Jane, and neither is Red John. He knew you'd never hurt me. He wanted you to fail."
When he still wouldn't reply, she pushed on. "What if he'd wanted Rigsby's head in that box? Would you have killed him for real?"
For the first time she saw the indifferent mask on Jane's face slip to reveal some real emotion. He stood up, and grabbed her arm. "Lisbon, you know I wouldn't-" he started, but she didn't let him finish.
She took a step back, shrugging his hand away. "How about Darcy? Or Wainwright? Or just some random stranger on the street? How far would you have gone to catch him?"
He looked like she'd hit him, his hand still raised to the same position where it had been on her arm. She put her hand on his, and gently pushed it down.
"You buried a man alive, Jane. Spent six months living on the streets. You say it was all just a part of the con, but I'm not so sure. I'm not sure even you know where the line between the act and reality was, and how many times you crossed it." She tilted her head to look him in the eye, and gently squeezed his hand. "You should have trusted me, Jane. You don't need to do this alone."
He shook his head. "I need to keep you safe. He knows what you mean to me."
She was reminded his words at her office, the urgent Love you that she wasn't sure he'd meant to say, but she brushed it aside. That was the subject of some other discussion.
"I'm not a victim, Jane, and I'm not going to let either you or Red John turn me into one. You think you need to save me from yourself, but I'm not the one who needs saving here. You are." He shook his head again, words of denial already forming on his lips, and she had a sudden flash of memory, from a discussion they'd had years ago. " And I'm always going to try save you, whether you like it or not."
Jane frowned, his brow furrowing until he recognised the words.
"Well, that's not fair." His face twisted into a disapproving scowl, but she could see the hint of a smile playing on his lips. He tilted his head. "I really did miss you."
"I know." She sat down on the bed, and he followed her. "I missed you too. Turns out that having a vacation from you wasn't as relaxing as I'd thought it would be."
He winced. "Sorry."
She shook her head. "I told you, I knew what I signed up for with you. It's my choice, and I'm not regretting it." She paused, and reached for his hand, entwining her fingers with his. "Whatever happens, we're in this together."