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To Jay, Yoohan wore his heart on his sleeve, despite the uninterested expression he always wore. He could usually tell what Yoohan was thinking about, could see past the stoic façade that got everyone fooled.
But there were also times when Yoohan would catch him off-guard; when he would sometimes surprise Jay with his sense of humor comprising of old-man puns, when it turned out he could stuff himself full with sweets and not eat anything else for the rest of the day.
When he would make the slightest contact with Jay, his head bowed low to hide his embarassment. Wanting to touch him but didn't want to admit it. Wanting Jay to touch him but didn't want to appear needy and desperate. Yoohan should have known it was Jay who was more desperate for him, practically thirsty for the open, vulnerable expressions he would sometimes have with Jay.
It still made his mouth water imagining Yoohan clinging to him, teary-eyed and sobbing, begging him not to let go, on that fateful rainy day. Perhaps it made him a monster for the small part of him that felt accomplished at having to witness that scene to himself, eclipsing the concern at what have made Yoohan finally break down in his arms.
After that night, Yoohan grew more receptive. He was still hesitant saying what he wanted out loud (adorable), but when he would have a particularly great day, he would stick close to Jay the rest of the night. He'd read his lines with Jay in his home office until he went to bed. He'd sit right next to him when they're eating dinner rather than sitting on the opposite side. Jay had quickly learned it was his way of allowing him to, well. Jump him. Grab him and fuck him senseless. Clean him up right after and spoon him until they wake up the next morning and go another round.
On bad days, when a shooting went wrong or the one time he had an argument with Hansoo, he'd completely ignored Jay's existence and sulked in the comforting darkness of their shared blanket. The next day, Jay would wake up to a simple homemade breakfast and Yoohan waiting for him at the dining table. He'd brushed his fingers against the back of Jay's hand when they were doing dishes together, and bump their shoulders as they stood side by side. An unspoken apology for the previous night that Jay accepted wordlessly with a kiss on his forehead, abating any existing tension between them.
On worse days when his nightmares came back to haunt him, he would text Jay all day, asking him where he was and what he was doing. If Jay was away at the time, he would insist on having a video call and refused to hang up even after he fell asleep. If he was working in the headquarters, Yoohan would come into his office after finishing his work, rather than heading home by his own like usual. His anxious gaze would follow Jay's every movement. When Jay met his eyes, he would avert it, but his posture was rigid, his face uncharacteristically nervous.
It took him a longer time to deduce what it was, but on one stifling summer night, he'd woken up to Yoohan clutching his back, tears streaming down his flushed face. Jay had hugged him close and stroked his hair, whispering comforting words to him over and over until it passed and his breathing returned to normal. He couldn't help thinking what would happen if he wasn't there with Yoohan; if he would sit up in bed panicking and alone, not knowing what to do.
It clicked in his mind then. Yoohan didn't say I'm worried about you, he demanded to know Jay's whereabouts to ensure he was safe from harm. Yoohan didn't say Don't leave me, but he would hang onto Jay tightly and didn't budge, as if Jay would even entertain the idea of leaving him behind.
What had started as amusement on Jay's behalf dwindled into quiet acceptance. He no longer teased Yoohan when he buried his face into his chest, his arms wrapped around Jay. Instead, he lavished him with attention, peppering little kisses all over his face, squeezing him back to let him know that he would always be there for him. He no longer agreed to having meeting overseas— it wasn't like he ever enjoyed long trips by himself, and being away from Yoohan.
If Yoohan ever noticed, he didn't say it, because that's just the way he was. Jay loved him all the same, or perhaps loved him more for it. He treasured the rare moments Yoohan opened himself up to him, enjoyed reading into his actions and acting on it because he knew Yoohan liked the gifts (mostly sweets) he'd buy for him. Yoohan liked it when Jay was protective of him; he'd seen the way Yoohan hide his blush when he was being downright possessive, murmuring You're mine into his ears and relishing in the way he'd shivered and grew pliant under him.
There really shouldn't be anything else that could surprise him two years into being a couple, but then came the biggest one in his life, in the form of two rings that Yoohan had presented to him on the night of their anniversary.
"Yoohan." Jay said, awestruck and staring at the silver rings glinting under the fluorescent lights. They were nestled together in a black box. "What are you—"
"I wanted to give you something too." It was a testament to how long they'd been together for Yoohan to speak about this without looking like he wanted to run away. "And you were taking too long, so I had to do it myself."
Jay's eyes didn't quite water, but he pulled Yoohan to him, his throat constricted and his voice coming out unsteady. "I love you. I love you so much."
Yoohan didn't say it back, his fingers brushing through the strands of Jay's hair, before slipping the bigger ring into his finger and wearing his own with a wistful smile. He'd never looked so at peace before, warm and happy and assured that they would be together forever.
Maybe one day in the future, Yoohan would utter those three words to him. Jay vowed to himself to make that day a national holiday if it ever happened.