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It was an unusually cold evening in BBQ on December 17th when Nate received a message.
“are you doing anything christmas eve?”
It was Buck, a strangely formal quality to his typing. Nate rolled over on his side as he replied, shuffling around under the covers of his bed.
“I’ll check with my mom. Why?”
“there’s a snobby christmas party for rich folks that goes on every year at the manor on the 24th, and dorothy told me it would be okay if i brought a plus one along”
The manor. Buck always had a way of emancipating himself from the Hazeltine name, even if the reason he was able to be talking about this in the first place was because it was directly related to him.
Nate watched three dots pop in and out of sight, until they decisively added a second message.
“and i was hoping it would be you, if you wanna”
Nate’s heart skipped in his chest at the phrasing. Buck was hoping for him to say yes.
He threw his comforter to the side, hurrying down the stairs towards the kitchen. His mother stood behind the counter, humming a tune as she prepared dinner.
“Mom.” He called her attention, smiling anxiously, socks nearly slipping on the smooth floor as he moved towards her, “Are we busy Christmas Eve?”
Her eyebrows furrowed, not unkindly, and she placed a finger to her chin.
“Hmm… We were going to have dinner together, but nothing big. Why, who’s asking?”
She already knew the answer, nodding even before she received the response.
“Buck. His family’s having a big party, and he asked me to go.”
His mother smiled, sighing against her palm fondly, reminiscent of something Nate couldn’t quite place the origin of.
“It's always that boy, isn’t it?”
Nate’s face flushed with red, swiftly avoiding her gaze.
“What’s that supposed to mean?!”
She chuckled, abandoning her position in the kitchen for a moment to come closer to him. Placing a hand to his cheek, she pressed a firm kiss to the opposite side of his head.
“Yes, you can go.” She ignored his squirming protests, holding him by the shoulder now. “Don’t be out too late, okay?”
Nate responded with his typical embarrassed mumblings of agreement, thanking and reassuring his mother that he would be back before midnight, and took off for his room. Crashing back against his bed, he began to type out his reply.
“She said I can go.” He sent, as if his pulse wasn’t already racing faster at the thought.
It wasn’t often that Nate was invited to the manor, and to be invited by Buck was even more surprising. Not in the sense that he wasn’t wanted there, but that it never naturally came up in conversation. Even when it did, Buck would dodge the idea- his smile becoming uneasy, hands fidgeting around for somewhere to put themselves, and he would pin the conversation to anything else he could grasp. Nate didn’t want to pry, but...
No, he wouldn’t ask about anything too personal. They were best friends, and with that title came a responsibility to trust that they could tell each other anything. At least, to Nate it did.
He saw another message appear.
“tell your mom thanks for letting me borrow you. things should finally be interesting with you there”
Nate felt himself smile, heartbeat quickening, but a sense of guilt remained stuck in his chest. That squirmy feeling was the first exception to the best friend rule he’d mentally established. Like an annoying bug- a fly, for example’s sake, it had been gnawing at him for months. And no matter what he did, it just wouldn’t seem to go away.
“What time?” Nate sent another message, hoping to repress his curiosity- along with the fluttery, nervous emotion.
He saw three dots appear and disappear, popping in and out of screen for a minute, before his phone finally vibrated in his palm. Buck was calling him.
The voice of a certain nekomata groaned from the floor, his nap having been rudely interrupted. “What’s all the nyoise about?”
Nate didn’t pay any mind to this, promptly ignoring him as he sat up straight. Though there was no one important to see, he played with the ends of his hair in an attempt to fix their askew placement, taking a few seconds to prepare himself before answering the call.
“Hello?” He spoke hastily, as if the word couldn’t come out fast enough.
“Howdy, Nate!” Buck’s own voice had a similarly shaky quality to it. “Party starts at 9:00.”
“And you had to call to tell me that… why?”
“Dunno. Just wanted to hear y’talk.”
Nate couldn’t keep himself from laughing, continuing to disregard Jibanyan’s comments as he leaned into the speaker.
“You’re that bored?”
“Also cause I miss ya.”
There was a silence for a moment as Nate took this in. Jibanyan mumbled something in Whisper’s direction, the latter equally occupied with the conversation.
Nate spoke quieter than before, embarrassed. “I miss you too, Buck. It’s a miracle my mom likes you enough to let me do this…”
“I’ll have y’back by midnight. That’s about as long as I’m assumin’ we’ll be able to have fun there before it gets boring, anyway.”
Nate laughed lightly. To him, it almost sounded like he was being taken as Buck’s date.
Wait. A plus one- what did that mean, exactly? Did Buck really…?
Nate had to physically shake the thought from his head, changing the topic for the sake of his heart. “What should I wear?”
“Suit n’ tie, unfortunately. If it were my choice it wouldn’t be, but I guess they’ve gotta keep it lookin’ pretentious.”
“I think I have one of those…”
“Liar.” Jibanyan muttered. Nate frantically shushed him.
He heard a second voice call out from over the phone, with Buck sending an inaudible response to the other.
“Dorothy’s callin’ me. We’ve got a Christmas tree to decorate.”
“So, I’ll see you on Christmas Eve?”
“Mhm!” Buck chimed back, “I can’t wait.”
If his phone had been connected to a cord, Nate surely would’ve been twirling it around his finger by now. Instead, he flushed, touching a hand to his warming cheek.
“G’night, Nate.”
“Goodnight, Buck!”
Had he sounded too squeaky? Too enthusiastic? Not enthusiastic enough? It didn’t matter, Buck had already hung up. He couldn’t get too caught up in his thoughts. And more importantly…
Goodnight instead of goodbye?! What did that mean? Was it more personal? Was it something that would be said to someone being taken out on a date?
Nate groaned, tugging on the strings of his sweatshirt. He fell back against his bed, rolling over to his side limply.
Jibanyan hopped up on the mattress, poking a paw to his back carelessly. “Are you alive, Nyate? Dyon’t tell me you turned into Fuu2 again…”
He rolled over onto his face in response, letting out another strange, garbled noise of frustration.
“I must say, I’m rather worried as well.” Whisper chimed in. “You seem ill.”
Nate lifted his head weakly, “I’m fine, Whisper…”
“Dyon’t worry.” Jibanyan commented, unwrapping a chocobar from his waistband, crunching down onto the treat. “It’s his first date, of course he’s nyervous.”
Nate straightened his arms against the mattress, shooting upwards to protest. “It is not a date!”
“Your first date?!”
Whisper had completely ignored Nate, already wrapped up in an excitable stupor.
“To think… our Nate, experiencing young love!” He turned around, hunching over.
“It’s still not-! Are you crying?!”
“Nate!” Whisper ignored him again, the answer obvious in his dramatic sniffling as he clung an arm to the boy’s shoulder. His hand turned to a fist, held in front of him intently. “We’re going to make sure you’re the sharpest dresser at this party, or I’m not fit to be your butler!”
Nate chose not to respond to this. As embarrassing as it was, he couldn’t bring himself to break his friend’s spirits.
“Okay, Whisper.” He smiled, patting the yo-kai’s hand. “Let’s go shopping.”
———————
“Buck, could you hand me the end of that string?”
Dorothy held a hand out from the stepladder she stood upon, reaching towards where her brother was below. Buck followed her instruction, passing off the end of a string of lights that was draped over a branch of the tree.
Dorothy clicked the end of the lights into a separate string that had already lit up with white, their shine just barely visible in the brightness of the manor’s main hall.
“There!” She stepped down, brushing her hands against one another for emphasis. “Now we just have to add the star. You have it over there, right?”
She didn’t receive a response. “Buck?”
“Huh?” The boy had become completely spaced out for a moment, a vaguely warm smile on his face, until his head snapped up to Dorothy in realization. “Oh- right.”
He took hold of a large silver star, passing it up to his sister with an embarrassed frown.
She placed the star on the tree, adjusting it with a tilt of her thumb, and climbed down from the ladder.
“Are you alright?”
“Yeah, m’fine!” He grinned, face reddening. “Just… distracted. That’s all.”
Dorothy raised an eyebrow to him, leaning in his direction. She placed her hands on her hips, inspecting him worriedly.
“It’s Nate again, isn’t it?”
Buck choked on air.
“I knew it.” Dorothy shook her head, smiling. “Christmas would be a lovely time to tell him, don’t you think?”
“Dorothy!”
Buck groaned, covering his eyes with his hands in embarrassment. Ever since she’d first figured out about his crush, she’d been pushing for a confession, slipping it into conversation increasingly often.
And how could she not have found out, with the way she’d been watching the development of their feelings from the beginning? The day they’d first become friends, Dorothy had been a witness to Buck coming home kicking his shoes off, going into a ramble about how much fun the new kid in town was.
“He wouldn’t…”
“Feel the same?” Dorothy finished the sentence for him. “I disagree, but you won’t know unless you try.”
Buck bit his lip. He imagined how it might go; confessing how he felt to Nate, snowflakes falling around them. Maybe a few would land in his hair, small specks of white in the dark color. He liked that thought.
But that’s all it was. A thought.
And with it, another followed. One he liked quite a bit less.
“Whaddya reckon dad would think?”
Dorothy’s speaking became inanimate. “I… don’t think that would be an issue.”
Buck stood still; his eyes fixed on the floor, hands furling into fists at his sides
“He ain’t coming, is he?”
Dorothy paused, tapping a finger to her side, a deafening silence hanging over the room.
“Well, we can hope, right?” She decided on, attempting to reassure her brother with a smile.
But Buck didn’t return her expression. He sighed, frowning as he clicked his tongue.
“I hope he misses this one too.”
His words were spat out. A father like that didn’t deserve the time of day. Not after he’d refused to give them the very same thing so many times before. Not after Buck had spent years upon years of Christmas parties talking to people he hardly knew, wondering when the gritted smiles and laughter would stop.
Especially not after Buck had been told so many times he wasn’t fit to be there; that he was an embarrassment. He couldn’t bear the idea of Nate being there to see him listening to it.
“I don’t reckon I want him to show up ever again, anyhow.” Buck spoke again.
“Don’t say that. You know he’s trying his best, he’s just…”
“Busy?” Buck’s voice cracked with an anxiety-high skepticism. “Like last year? N’the one before that?”
Dorothy parted her lips, throat dry of a response. Buck tensed.
“Like the past six of m’birthdays? Like the past five of yours?”
His words left her with nothing to argue, but the way he spoke now was defensive. He was trying to be strong, he always had, but it wouldn’t stop the fear that burned in the back of his head.
“I’m not buyin’ it anymore.” Buck shook his head, lip trembling as he bit down against it. “Him bein’ here never does us any good anyhow. I care about you, sis, so I’d suggest you don’t get your hopes up either.”
Dorothy sighed. She took her brother’s shoulder by the hand, holding him to stand side by side with her, and turned towards the tree.
“I won’t try to change your mind.” She said, “If you stop worrying about me.”
She patted his shoulder, eager to change the subject. “How about we go Christmas shopping tomorrow? I’ve been meaning to check out this jewelry shop in Northbeech.”
Buck smiled, managing to push the worry down, even if just for a moment.
“Yeah. I’d like that.”
———————
A week later, the worry was back, and god was it kicking.
Buck didn’t know if his heart could beat any faster than it was when the day of the party had actually come, fidgeting around with the collar of his shirt, pacing around an empty hall manically.
He had told Nate to arrive at 9:00. The time was now 8:45, which meant he was 15 minutes away from being exactly on time. By all logical means, it shouldn’t have been anything to stress out about.
So why did he feel like ripping his tie off, tossing it to the floor, and tearing his hair out? Why was Nate making him so nervous?
At 8:55, as the front hall’s space began to fill with guests, Buck looked for any signs of his friend through the wide windows. Music had begun to play over loud speakers, filling the space with what would normally be a comfortably warm atmosphere.
He touched the item that he’d placed in his pocket, feeling its shape to make sure it was still there. It had been an afterthought of Christmas shopping, something he couldn’t let himself leave without. Nate would have it by midnight, if Buck could work up the courage to give it to him.
And at 9:05, he finally spotted the figure he’d been looking for approaching the door. He pushed past guests, softly apologizing for bumping into them in his excitement.
The door creaked on its hinges as he opened it. Nate startled and looked up at him, having to angle his head up to meet Buck’s eyes. He wore a fairly typical suit, red tie standing out against a black jacket, and yet…
It looks cute on him.
Buck’s head was running in circles. Lord Enma save him from the mess he was becoming.
“Nate!” Buck ran a hand through his bangs, half pushed back smooth over the side of his head. He looked over the boy, eyes trailing slow until they snapped back upwards, realizing he’d been outwardly staring. “You- gosh, you look nice…”
Nate felt heat pool in his cheeks, having been too distracted as he did the exact same thing to notice. He thought just as much too.
Buck’s suit was a bit disproportionate at the bottom, the pants hemmed slightly too short on his long legs. It was endearing, even-
Handsome. Why was he noticing that his tie was the same pretty color as his eyes? Oh no.
“Th-thanks! You too!”
Buck grinned shyly at the reply, and Nate’s heart decided it was time to start doing somersaults. He swallowed down his nerves for the time being, entering through the intimidatingly large doors with Buck as his guide.
The ground floor had been decorated throughout, long strings of lights and ribbons wrapping over the lengths of the stairs’ banisters. People were gathered in clusters around the room, some laughing and chattering with the demeanor of old friends. Whether the relaxed behavior of the adults was due to the Christmas spirit or the expensive booze was indeterminable.
Others seemed to be staring cold, silent daggers between one another, with eyes that analyzed the every move of those around them hidden underneath cheerful smiles. Buck’s smile faltered, memories of similar years before flooding back to him.
But this time, as his eyes moved back towards his friend, he remembered that this was different.
“Buck?” Nate called his name, a soft look of concern serving as a welcome distraction from the crowd. “Everything okay?”
He nodded in response, the sight of the brunette quieting everything around him, as it always seemed to do.
“I’m alright.” He sent Nate a weak, but reassuring smile. The last thing he wanted to be doing was ruining a perfectly good Christmas. “Today’s just been a little hectic for me, is all.”
Buck knew Nate wasn’t entirely convinced, receiving a raised eyebrow and a pitiful frown in reply, but that didn’t mean he would stop trying.
“Now, c’mon! You’ve gotta try these cookies Dorothy n’me made!”
He was feigning excitement now, obviously so, but Nate had moved past the point of trying to figure what hid behind it for now. The brunette nodded, eyes examining the crowd as Buck led him to a table lined with desserts.
Lined may have been an understatement. Various baked treats were stacked beside each other, all seeming to compete to be the most eye-catching. This all made the sugar cookies off to the side stand out more, simply and thoughtfully decorated with bright colored frosting and sparkling sprinkles.
“Here.” Buck handed Nate a cookie in the shape of a star, a thick layer of red frosting unskillfully coated on top. The sprinkles fell off as he took it, so many having been piled on that they refused to stick to the substance. “Decorated this one m’self.”
Despite his fear of suffering an immediate heart attack from the sugar content, and the nerves already wracking his stomach, Nate couldn’t sour the proud look on Buck’s face. As he so often did, Buck looked at him with an anticipation Nate didn’t have the will to turn down.
So, with a cautious hand, he bit down on the end of the star that looked the least threatening. Somehow, the sweetness of the frosting didn’t overpower any of the other flavors, leaving plenty of room for the almond extract. Even with how much had been added, the frosting didn’t taste overwhelmingly sugary either.
“This is really good!” Nate took another bite, “Did you use almond extract?”
“I think so.” He furrowed his eyebrows, pointing as he recounted. “…Probably. My department is more taste-testing.”
Nate’s face was beginning to grow sore from how much he found himself smiling. “Right. You set the microwave on fire again, didn’t you?”
“I’m never gonna live that down, am I?”
A laugh bubbled up from the two of them. Neither could say when it had started, but recounting events had become easy for them. Often, their conversations became comfortably indecipherable to anyone around them with the amount of jokes they called back onto.
Buck took a vanilla cupcake from another plate, unwrapping it halfway around to take a bite. After the second bite, he’d already finished the entire dessert. That was, except for the glob of blue frosting that had been left behind on his cheek. Nate stifled a laugh at the sight.
“What?” Buck asked, smiling wider at the sound. “What’s so funny?”
“You missed your mouth.”
Buck touched his face, swiping a thumb over the side opposite to the frosting. Nate shook his head, reaching his hand upwards.
“Right…” He smoothed his thumb over the frosting, sticking his tongue out to better focus. “There. You’re good.”
Buck was still, gaze fixed on the other’s. His eyes had widened, pink flushing his cheeks at an alarming rate. Nate could almost hear his pulse raising in his ears as he realized how close he’d gotten.
Was that something a best friend did? Did Buck…?
“Anyway…” Nate startled back, shaking the thought and gluing his hand to his side, “What now?”
“Well… presents have t’wait for later, and I certainly don’t suppose you’d wanna dance with me, wouldja?”
Buck chuckled, the question having been presented in a way that didn’t force it to be taken seriously, but noticed that Nate hadn’t laughed with him. Instead, the boy bit his lip, a strangely focused look in his eyes as pink began to color his cheeks.
“Well- er…” Nate stumbled over his words, clearing his throat before he continued, “I mean, we aren’t doing anything else, right?”
Buck’s heart stuttered in his chest. “You…” He paused.
Nate nodded. Slowly, his hand moved from his side, palm facing upwards, fingers offering themselves to be taken.
Buck took a glance around them, a sense of paranoia still fogging over his vision. What if someone saw him? The son of the Hazeltine family- standing abnormally close to the guest he’d chosen to bring along?
But, as his eyes landed back on Nate’s, he found his head beginning to clear. He stood a bit taller, and all the fear he’d felt became something of the background. Something about this boy’s smile- facing him with such genuine kindness, wrapping around his heart in a way he was unfamiliar with- made the crowd seem a lot less important.
“I guess we ain’t.” Buck finally responded to the gesture, laughing as he awkwardly slipped his hand into the other’s.
He felt Nate’s fingers stiffen, cheeks reddening underneath the soft lights. Buck’s heart lurched as he walked forward, their eyes remaining glued to each other as Nate guided him to the center of the room.
Nate’s opposite hand lifted, unsure of where to place itself. “I don’t actually know how to do this…” He confessed, a shy laugh bubbling up.
“It ain’t hard, y’just gotta-” Buck began to explain, his own hand reaching to grab Nate’s, but hesitated before making contact. “Do y’mind if I…?”
Nate shook his head adamantly, face growing a shade even darker than before. Buck looped his thumb over the other’s, palms pressing together as he softly squeezed to secure them.
“You’re gonna have t’put this one…” Buck continued with a motion, taking Nate’s right hand to his shoulder. “Up here.”
He shivered under the contact, but he didn’t freeze up this time. The adrenaline of it all pushed him to shift his own hand that had let go, gently placing itself on the edge of Nate’s waist.
“Still alright?” He asked.
The boy nodded again. “I’m fine. You don’t have to ask.”
Something about the way he’d pronounced it made Buck’s feet feel lighter. He didn’t have to ask.
“Right.” He gulped, “N’from there you’ve just gotta get a feel for the song. It’s hard to put into words- since I’ve had it in m’head for so long, but try t’step with me.”
Buck paced back as a demonstration, and Nate followed, staring down at his feet as he did. They continued like this, taking slow steps back and forth, inching closer and farther away from each other as they went. But, as Nate took hold of the rhythm, the distance grew shorter. The music stayed slow, and his breath became even slower as he came to realize how well he’d begun to grasp the movements.
“Am I doing it right?” Nate’s head snapped back up, looking up and down as they moved. A smile was spread over his expression, a kind of excitement lighting it that Buck was intent on memorizing.
“Perfect.” He grinned back. “You’re perfect, Nate.”
His smile felt softer than normal. It felt as if his head, all of him, and all the world had calmed down in that moment- even if he had just unintentionally sent Nate into a flustered spiral.
“You always tell me things like that!” Nate protested, unable to suppress the red growing on his face once more. His voice shrank as he continued, “It’s seriously gonna be the end of me…”
“What was that?”
“I- well…”
Nate couldn’t lie to Buck. He was a terrible enough liar to begin with, and hiding the truth tonight had been hard enough. So, with a deep breath, he let his secret, or part of it, for now, out.
“You always make me feel like I’m important.”
He’d expected it to come out jumbled, anxious and insecure, but somehow the sentiment formed naturally. He ran a thumb over Buck’s hand, steps pacing slower as they spoke.
“Funny.” Buck replied. “I was thinkin’ the same thing..”
An agreement. An expression of mutual feelings. If Nate didn’t know better, he’d say that meant Buck liked him.
Could he really…?
To say they were staring at each other now would be an understatement. Buck couldn’t stop himself from glancing down to Nate’s lips, desperately hoping the boy wouldn’t notice as he did.
Nate, however, was too caught up in mirroring this action to do so. It turned out the both of them were thinking the exact same thing, and from there…
Nate couldn’t believe what was happening. He stood taller, shifting his weight to his toes as he adjusted to the other’s height. And by some Christmas miracle, Buck leaned down, hand gliding up from Nate’s waist to cup his face, eyes falling shut as they inched towards each other.
Closer.
Buck’s hold on Nate tightened.
Closer.
The hand that had moved to touch Nate’s cheek was holding it in place. Just centimeters were left to distance them. For so long Buck had been wanting to close that gap, and now…
He stopped.
The air had gone cold. Buck could sense a set of familiar eyes glaring at him, unmistakably intimidating.
“Is that any way to present yourself in public, Buck?”
As it turned out, now wasn’t the time.
A voice hissed from behind him, its footsteps clicking against the floor in a ticking rhythm, and for a moment he didn’t believe it to be true. There was no way it could be, after all. Out of all the years he could have come, surely Buck wasn’t unlucky enough for it to have been this one, right?
The world had come to a screeching halt. Just now, the way a chill had creeped up his spine was a feeling too familiar to be mistaken. Buck pressed the thumb that held Nate’s cheek to his lips, the other squinting to open his eyes at the contact. As much as it was hurting him to do so, Buck let go of Nate, and with a wobbly smile he concealed their locked hands at his side.
“Dad.” Buck turned around, greeting him with a high pitch and gritted teeth. “Merry Christmas.”
Nate looked between the two, too jittery by the way Buck had left the space between them empty to be much for conversation. “You’re…” He chose his words carefully. “Mr. Hazeltine?”
The man held himself over Nate, head refusing to tilt down as his eyes shifted. Met with silence, the boy squeaked out a long-since ruined attempt at making a good first impression.
“It’s… nice to finally meet you, sir!”
He habitually nodded, having to stop himself from leaning down any further- but it seemed he hadn’t done any good. The man’s voice responded with a callous diction, every word sharply calculated to whittle at the length of the conversation.
“Polite boy.” He clicked his tongue. “It’s a shame you’re convinced this is acceptable.” He turned his attention to Buck, and despite being just an inch or so taller, he loomed over the boy. “And you… ”
He clicked his tongue, scoffing dryly.
“I’ll deal with you later. I thought I’d taught you to act better than this, but clearly outside influence is too much to handle.”
Buck wanted to tell him he was wrong. He wanted to yell that he wasn’t acting out, that this wasn’t just a common instance of misbehaving, and that he didn’t have any right to be treating it as such. He had absolutely no reason to respect him, and yet…
He glanced down. His legs were trembling. Where respect was supposed to be, he felt a cold fear unlike any other.
“It’s not what you’re thinkin’! It’s…”
He was panicking now, scraping at his head for an excuse to make him hear something- anything he had to say. But that wasn’t in the cards for Buck. It never had been. His father was already looking down at him with the guise of someone who’d already won.
“I don’t need to hear any more from you. You know what you’ve done, and you know what it could mean for this family. Honestly, I thought I’d taught you that much by now.”
“It don’t mean anything!”
The man paused, and then sighed heavily, his shoulders having grown too perpetually raised to fall far. He turned around on his heel, facing back just far enough to reveal furrowed eyebrows and a frown.
“ To your room, Buck .”
The part that may have stung the most was that there was nothing Buck could do to stop his father from walking away. Just as quickly as he’d appeared, the man faded into the crowd, a feigned smile on his lips as he greeted guests. It made Buck’s blood boil to watch; searing beneath his skin, an embarrassed flush making its way to his ears.
He hadn’t even cared enough to scold him properly. Curiosity almost made Buck wish he’d been there a bit longer. Out of the past three years of Christmas Eve parties, not once had he made an appearance. Buck hadn’t spoken to his father over the phone in months, let alone in person.
He almost wished his father had been there longer. There was something else that prevented him from thinking so. It had been the one year when everything was going so well. When Buck was finally about to…
Oh, no.
Something else was wrong here. Fingers loosened to let go of his own, and an empty, aching feeling was left behind in his palm.
“It… right.” Nate spoke now, voice wobbly.
He took in a deep, shuddering breath. His attempt at smiling again became contorted and strained.
“It doesn’t mean anything.” Nate repeated, barely loud enough to hear.
It doesn’t mean anything. A terrible choice of words, to anyone outside Buck’s head, and the exact opposite of the truth. Had he really said it like that?
The boy was backing up now, taking steps to distance himself from Buck. The latter held his hand out, wondering if it would quell the pain that had been left behind when Nate had recoiled.
“Don’t go, Nate… I- that ain’t-“
His words were more sudden the second time. “I can’t stay.” He took another step back, shaking his head. “I’m sorry about all of this. I shouldn’t have… I’ll just-”
Buck felt a scream itch at the back of his throat. This couldn’t be happening. Nate wasn’t leaving, he wasn’t turning around, and he certainly wasn’t walking away with tears brimming at his eyes.
Buck tried to speak, but nothing came out. Another person had gone, passing by him to the door, disappearing in the sea of a crowd, and he hadn’t been able to say anything as he did so.
But this time, something else happened.
Buck found himself following, footsteps increasing in speed as he looked for Nate between clusters of people, voice calling out his name as a plea.
“Nate!” His shouts were partially muffled by the music, but loud enough to be heard by the heads turning around him. That didn’t matter now. None of this did.
He didn’t care that his tie was lopsided now, or that his hair had popped up again, moving out of place from where it had been smoothed over. That wasn’t something that mattered to him.
Buck’s head was running in circles as he pushed the door open, barely registering the chill the air brought to his skin. His eyes flicked back and forth over the gardens, until he spotted the boy he was looking for.
That was the second time Nate lied to Buck.
He had never left. Even in his current state, shivering on the edge of the steps to the house, heart in tatters, he had stayed. All, presumably, because Buck had told him not to. It was the first time anyone had listened.
Buck patted a hand to his pocket, securing his fingers around the shape of the object within. Everything had gone so wrong so suddenly, but maybe, if he tried hard enough…
No. He was going to make things right.
“Nate…?”
Buck wasn’t sure at first, but it was really him. The boy looked up from his lap, meeting him with reddened eyes.
“Buck! I…” He glanced back to his hands, stained with even more tears than before. “This is- I shouldn’t be…”
“I’m sorry.”
Nate blinked.
“You- what?”
Buck took a seat beside Nate, being sure to leave just a bit of distance between them. Still, his pinky nearly brushed up against the boy’s, hoping to signal it was there.
“I’m sorry for sayin’ it didn’t mean anything.”
Nate said nothing, and Buck let the words spill out on their own.
“Back there- I messed up, Nate. I shouldn’t’ve let my dad talk to you like that, and tryin’ t’downplay what happened tonight, even just to soften the blow…”
Nate was staring at him now, wide-eyed, seeming almost offended at what he was hearing. Buck took his repeated silence as a means to continue.
“I acted like a real coward by saying that. More importantly, it wasn’t fair. So really…”
“That isn’t-” Nate’s hand balled into a fist in his lap. “ I’m supposed to be apologizing to you right now!”
His breath turned white in the air as he shuddered. Buck couldn’t stop himself from looping his pinky over Nate’s as his voice broke apart the tears.
“I left you alone, I couldn’t say anything when it was important.” A sob came up from Nate’s throat, choked and frustrated. “When your dad showed up- and when he backed you into a corner like that? All I could think about was myself. Me and these stupid assumptions I keep making…”
“Assumptions?”
“That… we could be…”
Nate took a deep breath, sighing it out heavily. His tears had calmed down now, but he was still just as afraid as before. No matter how obvious he knew it was, or how much he wanted to, he couldn’t admit to the truth.
The truth that he’d wanted to kiss Buck. That he had wanted Buck to tell him everything was alright, and that his feelings weren’t hopelessly one-sided. He’d thought- for a moment that maybe they weren’t, but…
Together. Nate couldn’t say it.
“Forget it. I’m sorry.”
But now, Buck could.
“Stop that. Stop talkin’ like you’re an inconvenience.”
“What?”
“Tonight… Y’didn’t have to show my dad any respect, but y’did- even when you were just as frustrated as I was.”
Buck was looking back at Nate now, eyes shining with admiration, speaking more earnestly than he knew was possible.
“Because y’knew I was scared. Y’understood that, and did somethin’ selfless in actin’ respectfully for me.” His voice broke. “Even if it didn’t work out- that somethin’ meant a lot to me.”
He took a deep breath, finally finishing what had begun to unravel that day.
“ You mean a lot to me, Nate.” He breathed out, taking the rest of the boy’s hand under his own and giving it a gentle squeeze. “An’ I’m sorry if I made you doubt that tonight.”
“In fact…“ Buck stopped himself.
Was it really okay to say out loud?
He wouldn’t know unless he tried.
He took a deep breath in and out, speaking quieter now.
“I’ve been meanin’ to tell y’something like that for a while now.” He held Nate’s hand tighter, eyes squeezing shut. “‘Cause I like ya.”
“Buck…”
“An’ I’m sorry if this makes things weird. I get it if you wanna go home.”
“Buck-“
“I’ve just been feeling all worked up around you all the time, and I couldn’t-“
“Buck!” Nate shouted, clasping both of Buck’s hands in his.
The boy’s eyes shot open to see that Nate wasn’t crying anymore. Where his tears had been, he was now smiling up to his eyes; and laughing as he did, soft and sweet.
“Everyone told me it was obvious- and all night I’ve been so scared that they were right. I like you too.”
Buck’s eyes widened, and the words sunk in. Nate liked him.
“Me?” Nate nodded. “Y’really… oh jeez. Hold on a sec.”
Nate raised an eyebrow as Buck pulled one of his hands away, shuffling around in his pocket, cursing under his breath before his fingers brushed metal.
“I’d meant to make this more… y’know… romantic, but I can still try. Can y’close your eyes a minute?”
Nate nodded, and did as he was asked. He felt Buck’s hands move up past his shoulders, connecting behind his neck with a small click.
“There. Y’can look.”
Where his hands had been, Buck had left a necklace. Nate held up the pendant it carried on its chain to admire it, a small silver star with lettering engraved on the back.
He held it closer. 7/16
“July 16th… that’s the day we met, isn’t it?”
Buck was blushing now, eyes flicking around as Nate leaned in closer.
“I get it if y’think it’s corny, I just-“
“I love it, Buck.” Nate reached for Buck’s hand again with both of his, holding it close to his heart. “It’s perfect.”
But Nate’s smile began to fall again, one worry still left unresolved.
“What if your dad finds out about this again- about us? Will you be okay?”
“If it means I get to be with you?” Buck’s hands cupped Nate’s face, rubbing a thumb against his cheek. “He can bite it. He ain’t really care enough to tell me off, anyhow.”
Nate smiled again, and they moved closer. This time, it happened suddenly. Nate let his eyes fall shut, taking hold of Buck’s collar to pull him in, and pressed his lips to the other’s. It took Buck a moment to lean in, but before long, his startled hum turned into one of pleased surprise.
Nate spoke first when he pulled away, forehead resting against the other’s.
“In that case… how would you feel about spending Christmas at my house? We can invite Dorothy over, too.”
“Y’sure? Would your parents mind?”
“We always have too much to eat, and my mom loves having you over.”
Nate’s mom. Buck remembered something.
“Shoot. What time is it?”
“Last time I checked it was a few minutes before… oh no.”
“Midnight.” Buck shot up, holding a hand out for Nate to grab onto. “C’mon, we can still make it!”
The two ran down the stairs as fast as they could take themselves, knowing all hope had already been lost. Nate could already imagine the wrath of his mother, but maybe having Buck in tow would make it a bit better.
In fact, he thought, as he watched the boy race ahead of him, all in an attempt to seem more responsible to his family, maybe Buck made everything a bit better.
That Christmas, and for every Christmas that followed, this remained true. As Lily scolded Nate for being so late, as Buck apologized and took the fall, as they took each other's hands once more, laughing, he knew Buck could make anything better.
And, from the way the boy smiled as they settled into bed that night, huddling against each other to keep warm, he hoped that he’d been successful in making Buck’s Christmas just a bit better in turn.