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They were feeling it again, the pain that ate them from the inside, there was no way to stop it, but they wanted it to be gone so bad. They wanted to be gone. They would do whatever it takes to genuinely feel happy, they’ve always faked their smile, they faked their happy performances, since as long as they can remember.
Since childhood they’ve always felt this pain that they can’t explain, the pain of not being good enough, the pain of being different, the pain of being unwanted, unloved, useless.
But all they could do was putting on a smile and pretend like nothing happened, for Yuta, for their fans, for everyone around them.
The only thing that could make their pain go away even slightly was their boyfriend, but he can’t talk right now. It hurts, it hurts so much. They just want to talk to him, they know it’s not his fault he’s busy.. but they want to talk to him so bad. All they could do was wait for him to be available again, its already been a few painful hours.
Their arms and hands hurt so much, almost too much to properly type a message to their boyfriend. The only thing that has kept them from doing worse was seeing themself bleed, and uselessly texting their boyfriend about how much they love him, knowing he won’t see it or respond for another few hours, and probably won’t even understand the pain behind them.
All they could do was cry. Cry and watch their own blood cover their bed sheets, the bed sheets that had just been washed, ruining all of their hard work. But they’re used to that, they’re used to all of their hard work being ruined by a stupid mistake they made, or a painful thing added on top of everything they already felt. One more word about how disappointed someone is in them or their whole life might collapse again.
Yet nobody seems to notice the pain they’ve been feeling since the very first moment they can remember.
Always trying to run away to trying and make Yuta happy, protecting him from the pain, or the amount of times Sora has hinted at “Hinata’s colors are sad and lonely, but masked by colors that don’t suit him”, or the few cuts that were still visible after trying to covering all of them when they go out or perform. None of it seemed to make anyone notice their pain.
They’re so tired, physically and mentally, they’ve been overworking themself again to forget about their pain. All they wanted to do right now is just.. fall asleep in their boyfriend’s arms, feeling his warmth and energy, making their pain go away for a split second, the best second of their life. They just wanted to see him, even if he doesn’t understand anything about what they’re going through, just seeing him, hearing him, touching him, anything… would help right now.
They fall asleep, without even realizing it. The last thing they see before dozing off completely is the bloodstains on their once white bed sheets.
The plushy they have of their boyfriend was kind of just sitting there, unable to do anything in a situation like this. They usually hug it when they’re feeling stressed or depressed but they don’t want to get it covered in blood too, so it kind of just sits there, being useless, just as useless as Hinata thinks they are most of the time.
They woke up with the clear smell of sweat, combined with a *lot* of men’s deodorant. Not yet processing what that could mean, they try to make sense of it. How long has it been since they fell asleep?
They feel warm, as if someone had wrapped their arms around them, maybe it was just their imagination, the strong desire of feeling Tetsu might have gotten to their head, it wouldn’t be the first time, and probably won’t be the last considering how busy he will be in the upcoming weeks.
They opened their eyes after another maybe 10 minutes of gathering the energy to finally do so. The concerned, yet relieved look on their boyfriend’s face was the first thing they saw. It somehow made them want to cry, mostly because he had to see them like this. They didn’t want to make him worry about a worthless thing like themself. They started crying again, almost uncontrollably, they so badly wanted to hug him back, but didn’t have to energy to wrap their arms around him.
They smiled back at him, as if nothing had happened, as if they weren’t crying, as if their whole bed wasn’t covered in their own blood.
Tetora hugged them as tightly as he possibly could while still making sure they were comfortable. He had no idea that whatever his partner was going through was this bad. He would promise he’s going to do anything he can to be an even better boyfriend from now on, to give Hinata a reason to keep going… and make them happy. But he’ll tell them once they’re properly awake, which might be tomorrow, because he knew his partner is far from well-rested right now.
It felt good to let all of their feelings out for once. They’d been crying alone for a long time, but they finally felt like someone cared now their boyfriend knows about their bad coping habits. They wanted to tell him for a while but they were scared he’d be worried, or maybe even leave them for someone better— no. No matter what they thought about themself, they somehow knew Tetsu doesn’t think about them that way, he loves them so much, more than anything, more than they could ever possibly love themself.
They were still really tired, they didn’t have the energy to be awake right now, but something about Tetsu’s energy woke them up and made them not want to fall asleep again just yet. But against their will, they could barely keep their eyes open. Tetsu kissed their forehead, which made them smile a little, and the comforting words of “I’m here for you, I love you so much.” Were the last thing they heard before dozing off again, falling asleep and forgetting about their pain for just a little while because their boyfriend was holding them.