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He convinced himself if Noe had not been an Archvistie, Perhaps things would have been different. Maybe then things would of changed, But now he stood, all his effort wasted, due to his brother sharing memories that should not of been his to share with Noe.
It reminded Vanitas that now all his repressed want was for not. As Noe looked at him with those knowing eyes that seemed to pierce through his soul with a single glance. All knowing and so very understanding to the point it ached. He never wanted anyone to know that side of him, Least of all Noe. Noe who was so compassionate and so stupidly optimistic and naive about the world. He did not want pity! He didn’t! But Noe looked at him not in pity but in something worse! ...understanding. He looked at Vanitas as though he would never leave him, As though he now understood why Vanitas had kept him so far out of arm’s reach. And that caused more hurt than anything else, caused his chest to squeeze in a way he didn’t understand. But that couldn’t be right. He loved Jeanne, at least...convinced himself he loved her, and yet. Just as he promised he would kill her if she ever wished it, and he knew he would. He couldn’t do the same for Noe.
He failed in that regard, where he had been selfish in his need to keep his memories as his own, he leaned over the vampire a blade squeezed between his hands and held it to Noes throat, swearing he would kill him that he could! And yet- his hold loosened so easily, as his vision blurred. The only memory remaining, of wet mud, the smell of rain, and amethyst eyes....
The frantic need to survive was a dangerous one, he was sure he could kill Noe and yet he couldn’t....he wouldn’t. He doubted he could ever live after if he ever did.
And now he sulked and brooded as it meant he had denied himself for nothing now. Every time he itched to be closer to Noe to let the other in but held back was for nothing.
Noe moved with the grace of falling snow, his steps rarely making a sound, and his smile so warm and honest that it twisted Vanitas’ gut enough to make him sick, knowing he was unworthy of this, but still he raised his hand, nails sharper than claws, but carefully pushed soft hair back and out of the sleeping vampires face.
He watched. As moonlight danced through the window and shone down on the sleeping form, how he could sleep so deeply Vanitas would never know. To test the waters, he pushed back more of the soft hair. White. A stark contrast against Vanitas glove.
The darker part of his mind wanted to grab it. To pull it, see how loudly he could make Noe sing. But he couldn’t hurt him, wouldn’t. So he simply brushed it back . Practically petting the others head as he leaned forward, looming over the sleeping form, and with his forehead bare, Vanitas spared a kiss. Allowing his lips to linger on skin for a moment before he pulled back before Noe could stir, allowing the hair to fall back into place, he wondered if he would be able to sleep tonight. Or if he would stay awake and watch as the morning changed the colors of the sky and painted Noes skin in different shades of purple , Then gold and blue, Noe and Jeanne really were too much alike, and yet....so very different.
He knew what Jeanne tasted like, most intimately. He gave and took, in hopes of forgetting this twist in his gut, this need to know Noe the same. His lips teased him. The memory of when he had teasingly brushed his finger against his companions' lips with the remark of “Are you that curious about kissing?”
Still lingered in his mind.
Had Dominque not sullied Noe? He had assumed she had at some point considering how close the two of them were and how obviously interested she was in him. Had their physical not gone past lips agaisnt skin when it came to tasting one another's blood? Was biting as far as Dominques advances had come? Noe’s shock and confusion at the idea of casual kissing revealed one thing to Vanitas and that was that, Noe remained untouched in such manners. Vanitas knew he shouldn’t feel such joy at such a thing, such delight at the others lack of experience no matter how endearing it seemed. But he did. Because he could still pretend that he could be Noe’s first, Could look at him and still hope that some how things would work themselves out even if he knew they couldn’t, That the only way he could have what he wanted could only happen if somehow time managed to turn back.... if he could do it all again, but then again... would he? Knowing what he knows now would he push and push and take whatever he wanted knowing it would all eventually end like a corridor of clearing smoke. That he would eventually leave Noe alone, thinking of what they once had? Could he do that to Noe? The dark part of him could, wanted to even. To leave such a strong impression that Noe couldn’t forget about him. Wouldn’t move on, but no matter how dark these desires were, There was still this light to Vanitas’ soul, this innocence to his affections for the vampire, one that saw him chasing this light the other had to offer.
Even if his frustration and anger over the events that led to now had soured their reltionship... it was hard to ignore this extra new layer of deeper understanding that came with now knowing that Noe knew. That he didn’t have to keep his secrets anymore, even as the choice to tell was ripped from him, Noe still slept peacefully in front of him, encased in light, the same type of light that enticed Vanitas to the vampire in the first place.
His gloved hand twitched at his side, to reach out once more, but wouldn’t. He had to stop himself. He had denied himself what could have been at the beginning, he would not fool himself into delusions of believing- it should be, now at the end.