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I.
It starts when they’re ten and Sana comforts Jihyo on the playground after she falls and scrapes her knee. Jihyo hates to cry, hates the pinpricks of tears welling up in her eyes, hates that she can’t will them away. Just as they start to roll down her round cheeks, she feels a small hand on her shoulder. When she turns, she swears she must be staring into the warm brown eyes of an angel.
Sana cocks her head, lips pursed in concern. She points to Jihyo’s knee and stares at the girl some more, her face contorting into more and more concern the longer Jihyo doesn’t speak.
“I’m okay,” Jihyo says with a sniffle after a few moments. And maybe she really is, now that this girl is comforting her. “I’m Jihyo,” she says.
The girl reaches a hand down and helps her stand.
“I’m Sana,” she says with an accent. I’m new here. I’m from Japan.”
Jihyo can tell the lines are practiced both from how stiffly she speaks and from the anxiety visible in the way her lips tremble with each word.
So Jihyo takes her hand and leads her toward the swings.
“Sit down,” Jihyo says, mimicking the action.
Sana looks at her a bit skeptically, but she sits, hands wrapping around the chains of the swing. Jihyo grabs the chains from right above where Sana’s hands rest and pullsback, then gives her back a push and lets go. Sana giggles, laughing more when she feels Jihyo’s hands on her back, pushing her forward again, propelling her higher and higher, until Sana feels like she’s flying and Jihyo watches over her with a smile, scraped knee completely forgotten about.
II.
It’s when they’re thirteen that Jihyo finds herself on Google searching “how do I know when I like someone” and “can a girl like another girl” and “what does love feel like.”
But, she thinks, maybe she already knows what love feels like. If she is in love with Sana in the same way some of her friends are in love with boys, then she definitely already knows.
Love is the way Sana sees Jihyo’s emotions without the other girl having to say a word. It’s the way she gives Jihyo the last piece of the candies they’re sharing with a genuine smile on her face and a pout if Jihyo refuses. It’s the way Sana laughs at Jihyo’s jokes even when they aren’t very funny, and how she stays by her side through every awkward school event even though Sana has so many other people she could spend time with.
She constantly and consistently chooses Jihyo, and Jihyo chooses her back each and every time.
III.
It’s when they’re sixteen that everything changes.
They’re going to prom, but not with each other. Sana has chosen one of the many boys who compete for her attention, and Jihyo is going with a guy friend who is in the same situation as her—in love with someone he can’t go with.
Even with different dates, Jihyo assumed she and Sana would be inseparable as they prepare for prom. Yet things have been off between the two of them ever since Jihyo told Sana who she was going to prom with.
It’s when they’re dress shopping together that Jihyo can’t take it anymore. Sana has been unusually quiet—almost eerily so—the entire time.
“Sana,” Jihyo says once they’re both in a dressing room, dresses hanging from a fancy rack, waiting to be tried on. “What’s wrong?”
Sana’s eyes widen and her cheeks turn a bit pink before she schools her expression back into one of neutrality—-maybe sadness, Jihyo fleetingly thinks—before saying “Nothing.”
“I know you’re lying,” Jihyo says. And she does. How could Sana think Jihyo wouldn’t know after all this time?
“I’m upset with myself is all,” Sana says quietly, turning away from Jihyo and wrapping her arms around herself. She looks in the mirror, her eyes locking on Jihyo’s through the reflection. “I messed up, and I don’t think I can fix it, and I shouldn’t be mad—I have no right to be…” Her voice trails off as she looks down at her feet.
“How did you mess up?” Jihyo asks, voice soft.
Sana’s eyes find hers again.
“The person I like is going to prom with someone else.”
Jihyo feels her heart shatter into countless pieces, both for the sadness and emptiness in Sana’s voice, and the fact that Sana really does like someone else.
“You should tell him,” Jihyo says. “Unless he’s dating someone else?” She hates the hopeful lilt in her voice.
Sana just chuckles sadly, eyes dropping to her feet again.
“No. I just think it’s impossible.”
“Sana, everyone loves you. Everyone wants you.” Jihyo takes a step forward, wishing Sana was facing her so she could take her hands and make her feel the power and truth behind her words.
Sana bites her lip and tears gather in her eyes.
“It could ruin everything,” she whispers.
When her gaze finds Jihyo's again, tears are freely flowing down her cheeks and Jihyo hates herself for it, but she can’t help but think Sana does everything pretty—even crying.
“I’m sure it’ll be okay,” Jihyo says.
“Will it?” Sana asks. “Because I’m in love with you.”
Their eyes remain locked on each other through the mirror, and Jihyo feels the world swirl around her. Is she dreaming? Is she delusional? Is she really there, with Sana, hearing her say she loves her?
“It’s okay,” Sana says, voice as sincere as ever. She goes to grab her purse and leave, but Jihyo’s hand finds her first.
“I love you too,” Jihyo says, and she swears everything—from time to their very breath—stops.
Sana’s expression changes from despondent to confused to so full of light. The way her eyes are shining reminds Jihyo of the moment they first met on the playground years ago. Jihyo’s brown-eyed angel.
Sana pulls her into the tightest hug ever, crying a bit on her shoulder. Jihyo hugs her back, and when they pull away, she kisses Sana.
It’s everything she imagined and more. It’s electric. It’s exhilarating. It’s home.
IV.
Jihyo and Sana walk into prom hand-in-hand, smiles on their faces, and they don’t let go all night, so grateful to have found each other, to love each other.
And when Sana kisses Jihyo again, Jihyo knows the answers to what she’d asked the internet years ago:
- There are a million ways to know you like someone, but she knows she likes Sana because she feels lighter, brighter, more like who she wants to be, when she’s with her.
- Yes, a girl can most definitely like another girl—she can even love her.
- Love feels like Sana’s laugh, like their hands intertwined, like the warmth Jihyo always feels from her eyes.
They dance together, Jihyo holding Sana tightly against her, hand perched on the small of her waist.
Sana smiles at her, giggling out a content sigh, and Jihyo feels it. With Sana in her arms, everything is right.
fin.