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“Hyung!” Euiyoung bolted into Euihyun’s arms, holding him tightly. They stayed like that for a moment, breathing each other in. “I missed you so much!”
“It hasn't even been that long,” Euihyun laughed, ruffling his hair. “I can’t believe you silly. So, tell me, how was your week?”
“Well, we made star cutouts in school for the meteor shower, then, we colored big pictures of our families!” Euiyoung dropped his backpack and rustled through the contents, pulling out a big piece of paper colored with stick figures. “This is you, hyung!” He pointed to a figure that somewhat resembled his older brother, with wild black hair and pale blue eyes. “And this is Yeo Taeju hyung.” He pointed to a second figure, slightly taller than the other, with shaggy blonde hair and a sly smirk. Or, what was supposed to be a smirk. It looked more like a lopsided squiggle.
I chuckled, reaching down to see the picture better. “Well played, kid. Now, let’s get in the car.” I clicked the remote to unlock it as Euihyun grabbed his hand and helped Euiyoung into his car seat. “So, are you ready to go?”
“Yes yes! I brought a towel, some sweats, and a water bottle like hyung asked of me.” Euiyoung was practically bursting with energy, chattering nonstop. “And father asked me to bring an extra change of clothes too. He packed them into my bag.”
Euihyun smiled, a rare sight, and popped his brother's bag into the back of the trunk. “Well, it's a long drive, so I hope you're prepared. And I doubt you’ll need that towel today.” He reached in and buckled Euiyoung into his seat, kissing his forehead. “Hyung and I have some fun things planned this weekend.”
I took the door from him and shut it, helping Euihyun into the passenger's seat. “I got it Taeju,” he hissed, batting my hand away. I could see him slightly flush as he got in, avoiding my gaze. “I’m not completely incapacitated.”
“I know I know.” I leaned over him and forced a kiss onto his cheek, smiling as he snarled. “I can’t have my babies getting hurt now, can I?” I rested my head on the soft swell in his stomach, grinning like a hopeless romantic up at him. “I know you cant resist this cute face of mine.”
He scowled, but didnt push me away. I took that as a win, kissing his stomach again and again.
“Hyungs, can we leave now?” Euiyoung whined from the back, struggling to look over the car seat. “I'm going to burst over here!”
Euihyun sighed a smile, twisting to look over at Euiyoung while shoving me off of his stomach. “Yes, we’ll take off now. Taeju,” he said, pointing to the seat like he was commanding a dog to sit. “Let’s get going. Before we know it, it will be night.”
“I’m on it, my prince.” I slammed his door shut and made my way to the other side of the car, hopping into the seat. I saw Euihyun wave briefly at Euiyoung’s father who stood at the edge of the school as I started up the car, the smooth electric engine almost soundless as I pulled out of the parking lot.
I saw Euihyun tap his head against the head of the seat, a weary expression on his face. The car had started to make him sick a few days ago, I noticed, and I tried to drive as seamlessly as possible out onto the road.
“I brought some water and a bag in the side door,” I said, putting a bottle into his lap. He thanked me and downed the entire thing in seconds, looking paler than he already was. “Hey Euiyoung, how is it at home?”
The words seemed bitter on my tongue. Home. His fake home perhaps, I thought as I merged onto the highway. We drove in the slower lane as it seemed to ease Euihyun’s sickness.
“It’s fun. Dad has a hyung now too. He’s super nice!”
I faked a joyful laugh, eyeing Euihyun, whose expression was dark. “He’s nice, eh? Does he take you out to play with your friends?”
“Oh yes. He gives me whatever I need and takes me out all the time.”
“That’s great,” Euihyun said abruptly, reaching over to hand Euiyoung my iPad. “Here. Your hyungs need to have a talk, alright?” He also handed him a pair of headphones, which Euiyoung took with a bright expression.
“Can I watch videos? Like the shark one Yeo Taeju let me watch—“
“Sure thing.”
There was a click as Euiyoung snapped the headphones on, humming cheerfully. Euihyun turned back to face the front once more, holding his forehead. His phone was left forgotten on the dashboard, eyebrows furrowed in pain.
“I also have tea and snacks in the back. Oh, and here’s some gum. It’s mint and should help with car sickness.” He took the gum from my palm gratefully, bowing his head.
“Thank you Taeju.”
“It’s nothing. Make sure to drink more water.” I merged again, speeding up. “With traffic, we should be at the beach in three hours. Do you think you can make it?”
“Hmm. Maybe, but I’m not sure.” I glanced over at him again. Today, Euihyun was wearing a flowy blue long sleeve with white stripes on the cuffs, a scarf wrapped around his neck with his hair styled away from his face. Today was supposed to be freezing cold, but Euiyoung insisted we go to the beach anyway.
“Alright. Tell me when to pull over.”
We continued quietly along the road, and soon there was snoring as both of the brothers fell fast asleep. At some point, in gridlocked traffic I propped their heads up with my spare jackets. Euihyun mumbled something sleepily, squeezing my hand in thanks before curling up into the jacket with a sick expression.
Three hours (and two restroom stops, hurling included) later, we pulled into the beach parking lot. Like we had predicted, it was sub zero freezing and completely empty. Nobody was crazy enough to be here.
“Boys, wake up.” I unbuckled and gently shook them awake. Euiyoung bounced up immediately, throwing off my coat without a second thought and jumping out of the car as soon as he could. I watched him dash across the sand to the sole grassy spot a few meters out, toy dinosaurs in hand.
Euihyun however was much harder to wake. “Come on honey, we’re here.” I shook him a little more, kissing his eyelids. “Wake up.”
“…Hmm?” His eyes fluttered open, hazy with sleep. “We’re here?”
“Yes. Euiyoung is already out in the sand.”
Euihyun shifted out of his sleep, stretching his arms, letting out a soft sound as he did so. Then he gasped, hunching over with one hand grasped on the door handle, teeth grit.
“Euihyun! Are you alright? Are you going to get sick again?” My hands fluttered uselessly as I struggled to find the bag.
He shook his head, moaning. “It’s just…a cramp I think. Nothing much.”
I rubbed his shoulders as he breathed slowly in and out, until eventually it faded within a few seconds. He gulped down another water bottle, sighing. “I think…I think Euiyoung has to find out today.”
“I know.”
There was a brief moment of silence as he watched his brother; his child play carefree in the sand, unbeknownst to the life blooming in his hyung. Euiyoung noticed us watching him from the car and waved his hands, mouthing “Come on!”
I waved at him and opened the door for Euihyun, helping him into the beige coat that sweeped past his knees and a pair of earmuffs. He didn't fight me, still looking sick as I pulled on my own coat and gloves. His hands went to his stomach, which the jacket helped hide efficiently.
“Alright. I’m ready. Let’s go.” I nodded and grabbed his hand, which he took, and I helped him down the small dunes to Euiyoung.
“Yeo Taeju hyung! Look what I found!” He held up a bird feather, deep raven in color, with frayed ends and a splash of white. “Isn’t it beautiful?”
“It sure is! Hey Euihyun, do you know what bird it is?” I gently nudged him. He scrunched his nose, already turning pink from the cold.
“That is a magpie wing. Do you know what a magpie wing symbolizes?”
“I know I know! It’s the national bird of Korea.”
“Nice job!” Euihyun smiled and leaned down to his brother, dusting the sand off of the smaller dinosaur model. “What are you playing?”
“I’m pretending you and I are playing planes on the beach! I didn't want to make you run around. You seemed sick in the car.” Euiyoung sniffled, the cold air turning his nose even pinker than his hyungs.
Euihyun smiled brightly, tapping Euiyoung’s shoulder. “You're it!” And then he took off towards the tide, followed closely by his squealing brother. I stayed back, unsure whether or not I should follow. I knew Euihyun was still sensitive to Euiyoung leaving. I should stay back anyways, and let them have brotherly time.
“Taeju!” Euihyun waved over at me, a bright smile lighting up his face. I could see the glint of his canines even hundreds of feet away; they caught even the faintest of sunlight, and it was slightly cloudy today. “Are you coming?”
Heat flooded through my body, igniting some feeling I had not yet felt before. I couldn’t put words to it, but it was somewhat similar to that of ecstasy. “Me?” I pointed to myself, the biting chill forgotten at his warm tone. “You want me to come over there?!”
“Yes hyung!” Euiyoung squealed as Euihyun hoisted him into his arms, twirling in a circle. The little boy’s giggling was faintly audible against the crashing waves and screeching seagulls. Beaming, I jogged across the sand to them, puffs of freezing air icing my lungs.
Euihyun dropped his brother to the sand and tagged him, darting away from the both of us. “Catch me if you can!”
“Oh, it’s on!” I grabbed his brother and propped him on my shoulders, charging after Euihyun like a war horse with Euiyoung at the reins.
We played this game of tag and chase for a good while. I was surprised Euihyun didn’t fatigue; though he could have been putting up a front for his brother. His sickness didnt seem to return either, to my relief. Eventually, Euiyoung ran off to examine some seagulls that were picking apart a carcass.
“Hey Euihyun!” I slumped over, panting as the cold air practically froze my lungs. “Let’s…let's slow down…” Gasping, I scanned my surroundings. He was nowhere to be found. “Euihyun! Come on…gah, that little bastard…” Was he still running? I forced myself to stand straight again, chills racking my bones.
I looked over my shoulder to see Euiyoung playing with a new friend, a small girl about his age. They made small sandcastles in the sand, carefree. In fact, if I left now, I doubt he would notice. I turned to scan the other end of the beach.
There he stood; silhouetted against the setting sun, scarf and hair whipping in the breeze. He faced the ocean, bright orange light blocking most of my view of his figure. It was definitely him though.
“Euihyun!?”
Still no answer. I wrapped my jacket tightly around myself, slowly approaching him. I didn’t make eye contact as I shifted so I stood next to him. I think we were starting to find comfort in each other’s silence, I noticed. I observed the water; gray and cold, unforgiving.
“You know, ever since I was a child, I found solace in water.” Euihyun said quietly, watching the waves crash into the shore like a raging beast. His eyes glimmered in the golden light, his nose and lips pink with the cold. “It doesn’t get me, but it doesn’t turn me away either. It’s dark and raging and wild to the eye, but down deep, there flows an undertow of life and color.”
I wondered if we were talking about the ocean.
“And sometimes…I wonder what would have happened if I had left Euiyoung.” Euihyun’s voice cracked, and he bowed his head, gritting his teeth against the tears that threatened to break. “Now…I have more to live for. Even if it's something as simple as playing tag with him.” He inhaled sharply, eyes not leaving the waves. I observed him quietly; his skin, his sharp nose, flushed lips and eyelids. The soft curve of his stomach.
“Now, with this new responsibility, I feel like the world is resting on my shoulders…like I am not good enough to raise this life.”
“Come here.” I sat down in the sand, pulling him into me. He buried his head in my chest, shuddering with unspoken emotions. “Euihyun; whatever happens, I will take care of you. And Euiyoung. And…our daughter.”
Euihyun trembled, shaking with silent sobs as I held him like that. Still. Serene. I rocked slowly, murmuring assurances in his ear. “Fear will not find us any longer. I will make sure of that. Until the day I die, you will be safe, Euihyun.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, resting my chin on the top of his head as he sobbed into me. I could feel my undershirt dampening, but I couldn’t care less as I stroked his hair, twirling the strands between my fingers. His arms wrapped around my neck, and all of a sudden I was laying flat out on the sand, Euihyun pressed against me.
And his lips were on me. Oh God, his lips. Burning hot and damp with tears. I faintly felt his lashes tickle my lids as he kissed me hungrily, soft moans escaping us as he pressed into me. Sand scratched the back of my neck, but I couldn’t care less about it as my love demanded my comfort.
“I miss my mom,” he sobbed, curling his hands into my jacket. “She abandoned me, but I miss her….I miss her so much it hurts. When my dad got remarried, I thought he would change, but he didn’t. I never had anything against Euiyoungs dad. But…I miss her.”
“Shhh…it's alright.” I wrapped my arms tighter around him, feeling his heart shattering.
“It doesn’t matter how nice she was,” he wept. “She put me through hell and back. I hate her. But I miss her, right? And now I watch Euiyoung growing more mature with every week that I spend apart from him…without me. He has everything I wanted. I couldn’t promise a better future for him…so why do I feel so lonely?”
We pressed our foreheads together, kissing again and again, reveling in each other’s company. He kissed me like I was his, and I kissed him back like he was mine. Because he was.
I was.
“Everyone goes through hard times in life,” I concluded, Euihyun still weeping hopelessly in my arms. “…but would you rather look back, or forward? Because you aren’t going back Euihyun.” I sat up with him still clutched tightly in my arms, bringing his legs over my own crossed ones. “She needs you….I need you.”
Euihyun nodded shakily, his cheeks red from the tears. “How can I even be a good parent if I could hardly handle Euiyoung? What if I ruin everything? What if something goes wrong?” His gaze returned to the ocean, so wild and beautiful and cold. “What if…I give up?”
I hushed him with a gentle kiss, tracing my tongue over his eyelids where tears turned the skin salty. “Then we handle it together.”
“Promise? Promise me you wont leave?”
I thought back to his family. They had all abandoned him, save for his brother. He had been tossed about like change his entire life, everybody throwing him to the side for their own deeds. I had been one of those people. After the rut, however, I had vowed to never treat him like that ever again, even at the cost of my own life.
“I promise.”
Euihyun kissed me yet again, biting my lips gently. I did the same, tasting the salt and musk that became my safe haven. His fingers intertwined in my hair, gently running through my scalp as I bent him down, kissing each other fiercely.
Then we broke away, a thin trail of saliva following. We shared a tired smile, pressing our foreheads together. His milky scent comforted my nerves, easing my breathing and heartbeat as I did the same for him. He breathed me in, nosing the scent gland in between my neck and ear.
“Euihyun?” I asked softly, blinking. “Why do you like me?”
He was quiet for a moment.
“You found me at the lowest point of my life. After that, I knew our relationship would be different.” Euihyun shifted to me, cracking a smile. “You got this way of chasing those shadows that shrouded my life. Whether that was by an unwanted kiss, or a pickup line. Because when I see your face…” Euihyun traced his hands along my jaw, growing more tired with every word that exit his mouth. “When I see your face, everything changes.”
And between those three seconds, I found Euihyun lacing his hand with mine, his long fingers warm and soft against my skin. I felt a tear slip down my cheek, dripping onto his nose. Soft, unspoken words rippled between us.
I love you.