Chapter Text
Thursday, 7.12.23
5th period. Religion. Substitute.
I want to die.
It’s noisy. Too noisy. But it’s often like that.
I finished the book. From German class. I liked it.
But it was only half a book. The other half was ruined. By the noisy kids.
I don’t wanna be here. I’m this noisy classroom.
6th period. Lunch break.
No. Not really.
I don’t have any food. Right now no one does. All they want is fries.
Actually I am hungry. But I don’t wanna eat. The hunger will be home soon.
I’ll just write down my thoughts. So they don’t disappear.
No one cares about me. I don’t want attention anyways.
Well I do. But not now. Not here.
After lunch break I’ll have art class. I won’t be able to write then. But to draw.
I like to draw. If only I was good at it.
I hate this life.
They talk about math. Grades. C-.
I got a C as well. Exam. I was disappointed. Others would’ve been happy. But I’m not others.
Oh how much I want to be others. Be normal.
They get their fies. I don’t want any. No food. Never again.
Or maybe… Kinder chocolate.
The last one. Poor Kinder chocolate. Delicious.
Actually I just don’t want to live.
They got fries. Not me. No fries.
She asks what I’m doing. Nothing. None of your business.
The kids are screaming. They’re noisy. But not too noisy.
My hair covers my eyes. No. My glasses.
There’s no difference anyways.
My neck starts hurting. And my leg. Doesn’t matter.
Why isn’t there another option.
After art, biology. Discussion. Vaccines.
Im more worried than I should be. I know that. I know everything about myself.
And yet I know nothing.
Why doesn’t anyone notice.
I like my blonde streaks. My hair. But not myself.
My hand is cold. My fingers. They look weird. They always do.
Thank you.
She comes up to me. She gives me a bar of chocolate. Thank you. Really.
They’re talking. I hear every word. But I forget some. As if they care.
I’m writing. The whole time. The whole break.
Announcement. Kids on the frozen lake. Don’t do that.
They start laughing. Of course they do.
I’m don’t.
15 minutes left. I wanna go home.
To my games. My children. Anniversary. Crystals.
The banner will be back. Maybe. Maybe I’ll give it a shot.
I’m not hungry anymore. As I hoped. No. As I knew.
Because I know myself. Better than I should.
Suicide. Just for the experience.
Maybe I’ll upload it. Wattpad? Ew. No. Ao3? Translation?
10 Minutes left. I like writing. Better than talking. Talk till you die.
The still don’t care about me. With their fries.
They aren’t bad people. They just don’t understand. No one does. Not even me.
Cornyyy
Who the fuck cares.
Pills? Knife? Jump?
I gotta go soon. To art class.
Motivation. It will be gone soon.
I don’t want it to. But I am sure.
We will see.
See you.
8th period. Biology.
No discussion. Got lucky. I don’t like discussions.
Annoying kids sitting next me. They talk shit about others. Shut the fuck up.
Writing. School stuff. Now I don’t like writing anymore.
9th period. Last period. Physics.
College lecture. Not literally. Just feels like it.
We’ll have an exam soon. I want an A. Unlikely. But I’ll try.
We talk about last lesson. Preparation. I got some of it right.
I am here. Part of me. The test is somewhere else. Far away.
Far away from everyone and everything.
But I won’t do it. I won’t try.
I got most of it wrong. Doesn’t matter. I got this. Let’s hope.
15 minutes left. Then to my locker. Then in the car. Then homewards.
Food. Dinner. Should I? I don’t know yet.
Delilah was here today. For a minute. When I got the chocolate bar.
She’ll be waiting at home. I can’t wait to see her.
10:15pm. Nighttime.
I’m in bed. Translating this text. Almost done.
Delilah was home. We played games. Video games.
We fed the pets. We had dinner. Noodles. Not much.
I did homework. It was easy. English homework. Future tense. I will. I’m going to.
I ate my chocolate bar. I got chocolate on my shirt. Yummy.
Why did I have to eat.
Sin was home too. He was also at school. Sitting at the lunch table. Not talking. Just watching. Me.
He’s with me pretty often. But he doesn’t do much. Just watching.
Before I went to bed he came up to me. Grabbed my arm. Till it turned red.
Then he let go. He left. No good night.
It hurts. But I don’t mind.
Night.
My witness brings me into existence.